Work Text:
Is everyone happy except me?
I'm so curious about it
Or am I the only child who doesn't know how to hide it yet?
Everyone hides their inner self behind their masks
So I got used to the word ''loneliness''
ㅤㅤStray Kids - 일상 (Another Day)
ㅤ02:24 ───────────●─ 02:47
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ⇆ㅤ◁ㅤ||ㅤ▷ㅤ↺
There were days that Jisung wished that he would stop existing. Where he would like to remove himself from existence and delete all traces that he has left behind.
Those days were becoming more frequent than usual. It didn't help the fact that his anxiety had been spiking at the most inconvenient times and it was getting in the way of living.
Then again, did he care about living?
The days ticked away and he was left overwhelmed by how quickly everything went. He was reminded that he doesn't have the time to stop and think even for just a little while.
Every request given to him, every subtle little thing that left him deprived makes him want to burst into tears and curl up somewhere in a little corner.
Everything is too much for him.
The world has become too big for him. He tried to reach out yet he couldn't even let the tip of his fingers reach to the top for anyone to see.
He was too far gone into his thoughts that it truly stopped him from living. He didn't have the energy to do anything, it was as if there were hands that were caging him to lie down on the bed all day.
He didn't want to eat, he didn't want to pursue his dream, he didn't talk to anyone. He was reverting to his old habits of withdrawing himself from everything.
Nothing could even make him happy. He couldn't even feel an ounce of passion that he once had when dancing and singing. He couldn't even use his coping mechanism of making music as he felt too overwhelmed to do so.
He didn't know why he is beginning to lose himself more as days pass by. He's falling even deeper and deeper.
Before he knew it, he clutched a cutter in his hand.
He hesitates. Closing his eyes, he placed the cutter down on the table with a loud thud.
No. He promised himself that he would never do it again. Even when his depression acts up just as before.
Then there was a painful tug on his chest as if his heart was being squeezed tightly. He raised a hand to clutch his chest, shutting his eyes tightly as the tears that had been gathered fell out of his lashes.
He needed to tell someone before he digs himself even deeper into the rabbit hole. He has to reach out even if it's against his will.
When he reached out for his phone, his anxiety spiked up. What now that he has his phone in his hands? What will he tell them?
His thumb hovers over the keyboard, the chat bubble open and waiting for him to chat but he hesitates.
He didn't dare to type anything and instead closed the app and threw his phone aside.
In the end, he couldn't do it. He'll lose himself more and when the time comes that he's in a deeper state, they'll be too late to realize.
He wants to cry. He wants to cry so bad and he doesn't even know the reason why.
Today they were given time for themselves. The manager never told them the reason why but it may have something to do with him. He could constantly see the way the members tried to cheer him up and make little things easier for him.
Still, it didn't help the ugly feeling that clenches inside of him to devour him whole. He didn't want to worry anyone, he never meant to do so. Yet, he couldn't eat a decent amount of food without wanting to throw away everything, he couldn't move the rest of the day from his bed or even think of detaching himself away from his jacket that serves to be his best comfort even if it's molding hot, and he bursts into silent tears whenever he is expected to do something.
Everything is just too overwhelming and he doesn't even have the time to himself.
He couldn't go on a day where he could just stop existing in everyone's mind. He couldn't have a day for himself without having to be expected to do something.
No, he can't. He has to work, he has to pursue his career, he has to make music for his fans even if it meant draining himself even further.
God, he even despises the way his voice sounds when he plays them after recording.
But he has to. He has to be active and be constantly in an 'okay' mood every single time. He doesn't have the time to sob on the bathroom floor. He can't do anything without wanting to explode.
He couldn't even speak out his problems to the members. Not when they have their problems voiced out, he couldn't even think of telling his own until all of them are happy.
How long will that take? He doesn't know and he couldn't care because, in his mind, it's about the worries for his members. He pushed aside his feelings to help them rather than facing his own.
Until everything is just too much... Too much that he wanted to stop existing, that it hurts to even see himself in the mirror, that it frustrates him to do music.
It's a never-ending loop of staying up all night, staring at the ceiling with his thoughts running wild. He could vaguely remember crying every single night and having to wake up with red puffy eyes and a running nose.
He hates this feeling.
But he hates living more than ever.
He just wants to disappear.
The first one who has noticed this recent development is Chan. Of course, he would notice it quickly as being the one who has been with Jisung the longest and as the concerned dad leader that he is.
It didn't take him long to realize that Jisung had been bottling up whatever had been troubling him, and it made him hesitate to talk to him in fear of being shrugged off.
But he couldn't let it sit for too long. He has to have a conversation with Jisung concerning whatever that he is going through.
So, the day that he manages to convince Changbin to leave him and Jisung alone in the studio was the day that he got to ask Jisung.
"Jisung." Chan called out, "Can we talk?" He pretended not to notice the way Jisung tensed upon hearing him and proceeds to softly smile when Jisung's wide eyes meet his.
"What about, Hyung?" Jisung asked, voice soft and weak that it clenches Chan's heart.
"I wanted to ask if you have been doing well lately?" He trudges on carefully, scanning Jisung if it's okay to continue.
"What do you mean by doing well, Hyung?" Jisung tries to laugh it off but he could see the panic that rises in his eyes. He flapped his arms around, probably trying to distract Chan from possibly having to know anything. "If you mean in making music or dancing, I mean I'm doing pretty well if I say so myself. I've been doing great in creating lots of beats-"
"That's not what I meant, Jisung." Chan cuts off, "You know what I mean. I don't want to force it out but I've been noticing how you're pushing yourself even more, and it makes me worried sick that you're hurting-"
"Hyung." He stopped, staring at the vulnerability in his eyes. "I'm working it out myself. I'll get better." Chan didn't even have the time to grab Jisung before the latter ran out of the studio, leaving Chan to follow after him.
He wasn't able to get a secure time to talk with Jisung and he would never stop trying to reach out. He tried to do subtle things to make him feel better, like minimizing the time that they work in the studio and placing more food on his plate. Heck, he even gets home early just to check if Jisung had been sleeping.
Yet, he still doesn't know how to help.
The second that had noticed was Hyunjin, his ex-arch nemesis. He seems to have some radar that tells him whenever Jisung is hurt or troubled about something. He had picked up the habits that showed whenever Jisung's anxiety had been acting up.
But this time, he didn't know how to help. He was sure that it was his anxiety with the way his eyes shifted everywhere in the room and his jaw clenched tightly. He knew exactly that he's anxious with the way that his body language shows.
"Hey," Hyunjin greeted, plopping down beside Jisung. "Don't make your brain overwork itself with how hard you're thinking." He lightly poked Jisung's cheek, frowning when he saw his lips trembling.
"Go away." He tries to grumble, yet with the way that tears gather in his eyes, it wasn't enough for Hyunjin to listen to him.
"Jisung? Are you okay?" He couldn't help the worry that bleeds out in his voice. He shifted to gently make Jisung face him, thumb caressing his cheeks to remove the tears that began to fall.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm crying." He sniffled, lifting his hands to push away Hyunjin, and used the sleeves of his yellow hoodie to wipe the tears.
"You know that you don't have to apologize." Hyunjin didn't give him the time to comment on it as he is already wrapping his arms around Jisung, pulling him to his chest and lightly caressing his fingers through his hair.
He may not have known the real reason Jisung cried that day, and he couldn't face Jisung without the latter avoiding him like a plague. But he knew that he had to be there for him and ready to listen.
Minho has speculated that there is something that Jisung is hiding, he would have let it off but lately, it had become noticeable. Of course, he would. He spent too much time with Jisung not to notice the way that he seems more closed off than before.
It was when they were about to sleep. Minho had finally coaxed Jisung to let him sleep in his bed together, it's common for them to cuddle up after a long day of work but lately, Minho has noticed that Jisung rarely goes back to his bed.
"The bed's too cold without you." Minho watches Jisung through the mirror as he dries his hair off. "Have you been sleeping?" Jisung shrugs, lying down on the bed with a heavy sigh.
"I think I catch enough sleep." He scoffed, throwing his towel at the table, and sat down next to Jisung.
"We don't need another Chan-hyung in this household. We could barely even bring him back, how much worse if we try to bring your stubborn ass back." He flicked a finger at Jisung's forehead, eliciting a yelp of pain and a slight glare before it dispersed back to the vulnerable ones that Minho hated to see.
"I don't know. I've been doing well just this past week, it just suddenly spiraled and I couldn't bring myself to sleep." Jisung confessed, "I want to sleep, but I can't even of how exhausted I am."
"Oh, Hannie." Minho shifts to lie down beside him, pulling him close to make Jisung rest on his chest. "You know that you can always come to me when you feel like this, right? Does cuddling sound nice?" Jisung nodded and it made him feel light at finally seeing his eyelids close.
Still, he couldn't help but worry for Jisung.
The next to have noticed is Changbin. He did say that he looks out for Jisung a lot more than the other, and it pained him that it took him long to realize that something was troubling Jisung.
It was when he had finally gotten Chan to sleep after a night of producing, he went to take over Chan's usual way of checking in on the members to make sure that they are tucked into their beds.
What he had noticed is Minho is sleeping in his bed without Jisung and that Jisung's bed is empty and not to be seen hugging any of the members.
Now that worried him. He checked all of the rooms in their dorm to see if Jisung might have snuck somewhere but he was still nowhere to be seen.
He tried his best to stay calm as he dials Jisung's phone, only for it to go to voicemail. His panic is slowly rising, but he still has a location to check.
He went to JYP and straight towards the studio. He let out a sigh of relief when he heard a piece of distant music playing from the studio and it was enough confirmation that Jisung may have gotten carried away with making something.
He expected Jisung to be there. However, what he wasn't prepared for is to see Jisung in the corner, curled up into a ball and trembling badly with a choked sob trying to be silent.
"Jisung!" Changbin gasped, hastily making his way towards Jisung and crouching down in front of him. "Take deep breaths, listen to me, okay? Listen to Hyung's voice." He didn't touch Jisung, scared that it might overwhelm him and make everything worse. Instead, he counted to let Jisung follow the sound and calm down.
"Hyu- Hyung." Jisung glanced, suddenly throwing himself towards Changbin's arms. "Hyung... Hyung, I can't do this. I can't do this anymore." Changbin hugged him, whispering his reassurances and rubbing his hand up and down at his back as comfort.
"You'll get through this Jisung. I'm here. We're all here for you." That was enough for Jisung to hear as he cries himself in his Hyung's arms.
Even after the breakdown, Changbin walked up to him and asked him what caused it. Jisung didn't say anything. He told himself that Jisung will tell them eventually, that maybe he needs more time to compose himself.
But, he took a closer look at Jisung than usual. He must be having it tough after a breakdown such as the one he witnessed, and he couldn't let Jisung bottle it up and destroy himself any further.
The rest of the maknaes were pretty quick to catch on to the way that their hyungs are acting. Seungmin had been decently observing everything and he had come up to the conclusion that Jisung may be having some kind of problem.
Seungmin had let the topic be brought up when he, Felix, and Jeongin were the only ones in the living room. Felix had gotten a little sick and had to rest for a little while Seungmin and Jeongin had been let off from their vocal practice much earlier than usual. So it had been the three of them alone at their dorm.
"Is it just me or the hyungs are babying Jisung a lot more?" Seungmin suddenly asked out of nowhere, making Jeongin halt on playing the game on the computer.
"My twin says that he's going through something." Felix sneezed, "I was awake at 3 am when I heard someone in the bathroom. As the curious person that I am, I checked it out to see Jisung crying, trying to be silent about it as well." He frowned at remembering the memory. He couldn't fall asleep when he suddenly heard doors being opened and closed, he saw a light coming from the bathroom and he had to check it out as he heard something inside. He wasn't expecting to see Jisung crying silently and glaring at his reflection.
"Sung? Hey, hey, what's wrong?" Jisung looked at him through the mirror.
"I hate how I look. I can't stand myself." Those words shocked Felix, stepping up to back hug Jisung.
"No, you're really beautiful Sungie. You may not see it but every single bit of you is something that we are fond of." Jisung looked down at the sink, unable to look at himself. "Your cheeks are the cutest, your eyes are expressive, your smile is always shining and just... Everything about you is beautiful."
"Thank you, Lix..." Felix knew that Jisung wanted to say something else, but he swallowed it and pushed himself away. "I'm going to sleep."
"We're going to discuss why you were awake at 3 am next time." Seungmin pointed out, "Yeah, I have also noticed how he was pretty down. Especially since the hyungs seem to have taken notice of it as well, it didn't take long for them to be very obvious of it."
"He seems really troubled," Jeongin muttered, audibly speaking up. "I could hear him crying every night and I would always go to his bed to hug him. He would just cry until he falls asleep. He told me that he'll be fine, that he'll work it out but I don't believe it with the way his mind works."
"What can we do? It seems like trying to cheer him up isn't enough..."
"The only thing that we can do is to be there for him. Just make sure that he doesn't do anything that will hurt himself... And just be understanding to him." Their eyes turned downcast, hoping that they could do something more about it.
They all worry.
They did everything in hopes to cheer Jisung up but it didn't seem to do anything. They brought him cheesecake, cuddled with him, and gave him time to rest.
He had been showing them more and more of his fake smile that they often ask if he mistakes it to be real from how believable it is if they didn't put too much attention to it.
He had also grown quiet. Gone were the days that he would suddenly let out an outburst and be loud for the sake of annoying everyone. He wouldn't start a conversation without any of them initiating it themselves.
Were they doing it all wrong? They already gave Jisung the idea that they will be there to listen, and they promised that they will always be available when they are needed.
"Jisung?" Minho knocked on the door for what felt like a hundred times, calling out worriedly as Jisung had not been replying. He could hear the shower running, but Jisung would have responded by now. He also caught the way that he is taking way too much time to just be showering.
"Jisung, you better answer me or I'm trespassing on you." He warned. It wasn't unusual for them to be walking in on each other while showering. They never even lock the door, but Jisung did so and that was the last straw for Minho to make sure that he's alright.
He took a deep breath, hoping to calm his nerves as he called out for Chan.
"Hyung! Chan-hyung!" There was slight distress in his voice that alarmed everyone in the dorm. "Can someone grab the keys to the bathroom?" Felix, Jeongin, Hyunjin, and Seungmin who had been hanging out in the living room shared looks before scrambling on their feet.
Chan appeared after the third time of being called, "What's wrong?" He asked. Minho pointed at the bathroom door, explaining that Jisung hadn't been answering him and that the shower had been going on for far too long to even be considered as showering.
"Hannie? Can you open the door?" Chan knocked, seeing the others crowding to see what's going on. Seungmin poked Chan, giving him the keys to the bathroom. "I'm coming in, okay?"
The sight that welcomed them made them pale and almost sob out. There he was, Jisung, on the floor with a lot of blood surrounding him.
"Jisung!" Chan rushed forward, "Jisung, Jisung wake up!" He lightly slapped Jisung's cheeks as he moves him into his arms, Minho had slipped in to place a cloth on top of the wounds to stop him from bleeding out. In the background, Changbin had reached out to the phone and dialed the ambulance. They all had tears running down their faces, their hearts pounding at the situation that they are in.
Jeongin buried his head on Changbin's shoulder, sobbing and clinging for dear life. Seungmin is beside him, his cries silent but loud enough to know that it's bad. Felix and Hyunjin have their arms wrapped around each other, crying out to Jisung to wake up.
They are all terrified of what they have seen, especially that it is their beloved brother lying on a cold tiled floor with blood surrounding him.
When the ambulance came, Chan was reluctant to let go of Jisung. All of them were. They worry that he's going to disappear in front of them. They all went to the hospital, waiting for any news after a rush of scattered nurses and urgent calls upon arriving at the hospital.
It was frightening. Hearing that Jisung is losing blood, that his pulse is slowly dying down, that they have to keep his heart from beating. It scared them badly that they couldn't help but sob at the mere thought of it.
They had to wait for hours until the doctor came out of the door. He removed the face mask, smiling lightly at them despite the exhaustion lining his features.
"He's alive."
They teared up, bursting into tears and hugging each other tightly. Chan smiled in relief, stepping towards the doctor to ask a few more things.
"Is he doing well?"
"A little sore and in pain due to the injuries inflicted. We have injected him with some pain reliefs and bandaged all of the injuries that we have found."
"How severe was it?" Changbin perked up from where he is standing, "The injuries... How bad...?"
The doctor pressed his lips in a thin line. "There are a lot of cuts in his wrists, thighs, and some on the hips. There are also scars in between, some just a little recent and some are old." All of them looked close to letting out a sob upon hearing the information. They didn't know that he had been doing it for so long without anyone noticing.
"But... But he's okay, right?"
"He will be." The doctor smiled as comfort, "He will be physically fine soon but, in concern of his mental health... He has to talk to a therapist to help with his mental health, he is also under supervision due to the attempt." Chan nodded, chest still tight at thinking that Jisung had to go through all of this.
"Can we see him?" Jeongin spoke up, hands still trembling at the reminder of what he had seen. Seungmin caught it and intertwined their fingers together.
"Of course, he had been looking for his brothers and I assume that he's talking about all of you."
"You idiot!" Hyunjin ran up to Jisung, taking everyone off guard at the first words to greet Jisung. "You moron! You- You!" He broke down, lightly punching Jisung in the chest before falling on his knees with his head on the bed where Jisung is lying.
"Jinnie..."
"Why would you do that?!" He cried out. Jisung teared up, moving his bandaged arm to pat Hyunjin's head.
"I'm sorry..."
"You- You better be!" Hyunjin hiccups, "I'm the only one who can hurt you, don't... Please don't ever hurt- don't ever hurt yourself." Jisung bites back the sob threatening to claw out of him.
"We were scared." His eyes trailed towards Felix. "I was scared."
"Lixie... I-"
"Why? Why would you- Why do you do this to yourself?" Tears started to run down continuously on Jisung's cheeks, seeing the fear and vulnerability running in their faces.
"Why didn't you tell any of us?" His gaze moved towards Chan, who seems to be torn between having to worry or cry at the sight of Jisung. "You know that we'll always be here, right?" He grew closer, wiping the tears that continue to trail down his face.
"I just... I... Why is this so hard?" He sobbed. Then there he felt the warmth that his brothers provided him, hugging him in their arms.
"Let it all out, just let it all out." He cried, and cried until there were no more tears but they waited. They kept him in their arms, knowing that he's safe and away from danger.
It'll take a lot of time for him to recover. It might take him weeks, or months, or even years to heal from the damage he dug himself into. There may also be days that are too overwhelming for him, which is too much for him.
But he trusts that they will catch him when he falls. That their arms are open for him to run into and he can always rely on them.