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Jisung doesn’t know how it exactly happened or how it all had started. He was just a kid with an obsession with skating, he wasn’t expecting the colors surrounding him to suddenly be replaced with black and white.
He remembered going home and running towards his mother, abandoning his skateboard by the doorstep. He fell on her arms, hiccupping and stumbling over his words as he told her that he can’t see the other colors like before.
Her mother could only smile, gently tilting his head up to look at her. “You see colors when someone that loves you romantically looks at you.” She explained, “That’s how I know that your father loves me. You’ll understand what I mean, darling.” She patted his head, leaving a peck on his forehead.
He couldn’t understand what his mother was saying. He was scared, confused, and in fear of what had just happened. So then, he grows up having to see black and white.
That is until he met Minho.
The first time that they met, they had coincidentally bumped into each other. Jisung was about to apologize until their eyes met and all the colors around him appeared.
He blinked, a look of confusion on his face as he looked around his surroundings before landing at Minho. He wondered why Minho had fallen in love with him at first sight. It seems unrealistic, it was like a dream.
They had become friends. Jisung was the one who approached him, wanting to see the colors over and over again. Minho had never admitted anything to him, he could catch him sending fond looks once in a while, and it made him happy to be with Minho every time.
It felt ethereal, having to see the colors bloom right in front of your eyes. He was happy to have that.
They were sitting on the park bench, looking over at the sky and they would talk about what is happening in their lives, looking back at some memories, and sharing some moments with each other. Minho randomly started pointing and shouting out the colors of the object, like it’s a game of ‘I spy.’
“Minho,” Jisung called out, receiving a hum in return. “Can you look at me?” The black and white faded into a colorful combination. His vision filled with bright objects around that he could feel himself tear up.
It never fails to make him feel emotional. It made him so happy, so free, so alive, so normal, and so… so loved. The colors are the constant reminder that someone loves him, that there is someone who has fallen in love with a mess like him.
“Why are you crying, you dummy.” Minho softly cupped his cheek, holding him as if he was afraid to break him. His lips curled up into a wide smile, raising his hand to place it on top of Minho’s.
“I’m just overwhelmingly happy,” and I don’t ever want this to end. He thought silently, gazing at Minho with so much love in his eyes. I love you and he wishes that he could have said that out loud.
It was beautiful even if it never lasted.
Jisung wasn’t expecting anything to change over the past two years since he had met Minho. Minho hadn’t confessed his feelings yet but Jisung could still see the colors whenever he looked at him. They continued to spend their time together as friends without saying the words they desperately wanted to say to each other.
So, it broke Jisung when he greeted Minho with his heart-shaped smile only for it to drop down when he couldn’t see the color he had been waiting to appear in his vision. Minho is looking at him with a small smile, greeting him before he turns his attention to the phone.
“You took so long, Sung.” Minho complained, typing something in his phone before he discarded it into his pockets, a fond smile dangling on his lips. One that used to be directed at Jisung.
“Minho…” He blinked away the tears that were threatening to escape from his eyes when none of the colors still appeared in his vision even when Minho glanced at him.
“What’s wrong?” Minho asked. This. This whole thing is wrong. Jisung wanted to scream, ask him why he couldn’t see the colors anymore, why he had fallen out of love.
Minho saw Jisung struggling to speak, he tried to reach a hand out to Jisung but he had flinched away before he could even touch. He retracts his hand, blinking in surprise at the reaction before worry washes over him.
Jisung closed his eyes, not wanting to see Minho… He didn’t want to believe that the only person who had been patient with him, the first person who had made him see colors again, the person who had fallen in love with has… He choked out a bitter laugh. He truly didn’t want to believe it.
“Nothing,” Jisung answered, forcing a smile that contrasted from the tears that had rolled down his cheeks. He opened his eyes, facing Minho. He wanted to believe that it’s just a dream, but as Minho stared him down, no colors appeared and that’s when he knew… He just knows that Minho had finally fallen out of love, and had given up on him.
“Nothing?” Minho hissed, “Nothing? Jisung, you’re cry-”
“Hyung.” He cuts off, his voice breaking as he holds in a sob. “Please, don’t ask. It’ll- It’s going to break me even more.” He looked down at his fidgeting hands, more tears cascading down his face.
I hope that you’re happy with the person you have fallen in love with . He knew he was being petty when he stood up abruptly, muttering a small apology and bidding him goodbye then walked out of the cafe as if he didn’t leave Minho hurt and worried.
He wonders again if he’ll ever see the colors the same way he had seen them when he spent his time with Minho. Every memory that comes up was with Minho and it just felt like a fever dream. No one had ever made him feel so important and loved like Minho, no one made him feel like… like he is worth loving.
He wiped his tears with the sleeves of his jacket, the tears blurring his vision once again. He ran, blurring the world around him. It felt so dull having to see the black and white color once again, knowing that he can’t look forward to the next day to see the colors again. That there won’t be anyone to make him see the colors.
How he wished he could have told Minho how much he loves him so much. Would it be too late to tell him now? Jisung remembered seeing him smile at his phone, he shook his head. He seems happy enough to text the person he may be in love with. He found someone who he deserves to be with, and who is he to get in between that?
When the next day arrived, Minho barged into his apartment, dragged Jisung out of his bed, and forced him to shower. He managed to convince Jisung to go with him to the park, so that “we can have a relaxing view and get your mind away from the things that are killing you.” Minho has said, flickering him on the forehead but otherwise worried sick of Jisung.
It made him smile bitterly, Minho doesn’t know that he’s the reason why he’s hurting, he’s the one that is killing him. The thought crosses his mind once again, one that says that no one is loving him like before.
They sat at the park bench. Minho was trying to get his mind away from his thoughts, but it didn’t help as it reminded him how they would always hang out like this. However, today is different and he knew that. He knows it all too well.
“Minho.” Nostalgia washed over him, it has been years yet it felt just like yesterday, “Can you- Can you look at me?” Minho looked at him with a silly grin on his lips.
“You always say that.” He laughed, just as he was about to ruffle Jisung’s hair, he took notice of the tears gathering in his eyes. “Why are you crying, you dummy.” He teased, cupping Jisung’s cheek and that was the last straw as a sob racked out of him.
When Jisung slowly calmed down, he whispered so softly that Minho almost missed it, “I had hoped for it to never end.” Jisung looked him in the eyes, “I would have never thought that I would be too late to say those meaningful words.” Minho tilted his head in confusion, wanting to ask Jisung what he meant by that.
“Jisung…” Jisung smiled, ending the conversation by wiping his tears and changing the topic. He is aware of the burning gaze of worry and concern directed at him.
He’s a coward for running away. Would have anything changed if he dared to hold onto something special? He lost him already, and he knows that there is nothing that will make him fall in love with him. He can\t force love, he doesn’t have the power to do that.
He was selfish and greedy for using Minho to see the colors. He took the love for granted and looked where it landed him. Honestly, he should have seen it coming. He knew no one would be patient enough to love him, to stay until the end. Two years is a pretty long time, and he wanted to ask Minho why he had fallen in love with someone like him.
A year passed by, he had grown accustomed to the monochrome colors around him. He and Minho had drifted apart and it broke him completely. It was his fault, he was the one who had pulled away completely from him, as it pains him to see Minho smiling over another man that’s not him.
But, he’s happy for Minho. He even congratulated him and gave him a beaded bracelet as a gift for being in a relationship with the man he is in love with. He doesn’t know if Minho will wear it, he doesn’t want to know as well.
Christopher Bang, or Chan as he likes to call himself, is the kindest and nicest person that took Minho’s heart completely. He can’t be angry with him for that, Chan is an amazing person and he has a caring nature. He knew Minho would be taken care of.
So, he watched them fall in love right in front of his eyes, sadly smiling at the fact that he will never get to experience anything he has Minho with anyone. That he would never have something like that.
Minho found love even if it isn’t with him.
“Sungie, join us on the movie night.” Minho sulked, convincing Jisung to join them. “There won’t be many people, Chan and I will be there together with five other close friends.” It wasn’t like Jisung can deny Minho but he doesn’t know if he could take seeing him with Chan being lovey-dovey.
“Those five people may be strangers though.” He pointed, “What if one of them is a murderer?”
“I’m close friends with all of them! None of them are murderers.”
Jisung narrowed his eyes, “Hyung, your choice in friendship are… either they are the kindest or they are the dangerous people that you are working with. Knowing you...”
“Yah!” Minho playfully glared through the phone screen, “I will poke your eyeballs out.” He shifted to let the camera see the chopsticks in his hand.
“More reasons not to come then.” Jisung shrugged.
“Sungie, Sungsung. Suuung. Jiji. Jisuuuung.” Minho trailed off, “Hannie.” His heartbeat picked up on the mention of the nickname, a hurt look flashing in his eyes before he composes himself.
“Okay. Fine.” He wanted to end the call badly before he burst into tears again. He still isn’t over at the fact that no one will call him Hannie and let him see the brighter side of life. Maybe he belonged to this dull world due to his selfishness and greed, where he knew that no one would love him.
“Yay~ See you!” He ends the call, throwing the phone on the bed and plopping down with his face buried in his pillow. That night, his sobs and cries went unheard from the empty room.
The night had come by way too fast, and he found himself entering the living room with Minho guiding him inside. Five pairs of eyes landed on him as Chan stood up to greet him with a hug.
That’s when his vision changed right in front of him, his surroundings being bloomed with colors. He blinked, rubbing his eyes as if he’s just dreaming. In awe, he looked around the house with a soft smile playing on his lips.
It has been a while since he had seen colors and he thought that he will live like this forever, it made him giddy and happy inside. Until the color vanishes.
He would have tried to reach out or chase after the vanishing colors if it weren’t for Minho snapping him out of his daze. He looked back at Minho, he’s already out of the list of possible people that are in love with him.
Turns out, when he had observed the people around the room, he was familiar with all of them. He isn’t close with them since he keeps to himself most of the time, but he does talk to them before.
Jeongin, the fox-eyed as Jisung likes to call him in his head, is a junior student, studying education. He had seen him hanging around in classrooms as a student assistant in their university. He is already off the list as he had made eye contact with him earlier.
Seungmin, the serious-not-serious puppy, is a senior just like him, studying psychology and photography. He has been partnered up with him in group projects, but they haven’t talked all that much. He had waved at Jisung, a little dismissively but he didn’t spare a look towards him yet.
Felix, the brownie-angel savior, is his classmate in music class. Felix would always offer brownies to his seatmates which happened to be him and had lent him notes whenever he was absent. However, Felix is easily distracted and he may have gotten distracted by the movie to look at Jisung as he greets him.
Hyunjin, his arch-nemesis, is studying dance. They are never on good terms with each other so it was a shock that Minho would be friends with him. They argue over simple things though when they entered their senior year, they realized how ridiculous their arguments are. Still, that doesn’t mean they’re friends. This is why he didn’t take a second glance at Jisung when he plopped down beside him.
Changbin, his I-like-darkeu, and producer friend. He spent a few times producing with him, they hang out a lot in their free time. They have made music together, but their schedule doesn’t match lately which is the reason they haven’t talked to each other for a while. He, too, didn’t spare him a glance as he greeted him.
Well, he thinks that this would be easy for him to find out. He just has to attract their attention and see who the person that fell in love with him is.
And this time, he wants to take the opportunity. He doesn’t want to experience the same thing as… He took a deep breath, yeah, he wouldn’t be able to handle it.
His eyes slowly move towards the couple. Minho is comfortably leaning his head on Chan’s shoulder, and Chan’s arms are circled around his waist. He shot him a smile when Chan caught him staring at them, receiving one in return.
Yeah, he can’t handle going through another heartbreak, knowing that he had let go of someone so precious to him. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake as before, he will do it right this time.
That’s why he made up a small plan to get them to look at him even for just a few seconds. It’ll be easy since no person avoids looking at another person.
The first victim is Felix, he’s affectionate and would never turn down the reason not to look at him. He just called Felix softly, enough not to disturb anyone watching the movie, then nudged him lightly before he received a ‘what’ from him.
“Can you look at me for a second?” Felix removed his eyes from the television, glancing at Jisung in confusion and a raised eyebrow. Jisung waited, but none of the colors appeared. “Okay, I just wanted to see your freckles.” Jisung giggled at the red flush that appeared on Felix’s face, he elbowed Jisung as a response then turned his attention back to the movie.
The second victim is Seungmin, now it was rather easy for him to make Seungmin look at him since they don’t know each other much. He was about to go home as he has some ‘duties’ to do, and what he meant by that is schoolwork. He bid his farewell, only Chan and Jisung got to hear him as the others were too entranced by the thrilling movie playing on the screen.
Jisung stood up from his seat, careful not to disturb Hyunjin beside him, then jogged after Seungmin. “Seungmin.” He whisper-shouted at him. When Seungmin turned around, his vision suddenly filled with colors and that made him halt in his steps.
“What?” Seungmin asked, confusion traced in his face. His eyes slid over somewhere behind him before it landed on Jisung. All the colors around him disappeared even if Seungmin was looking at him.
“Oh.” He blinked, shaking his head. “Can you look away then look at me again?” Seungmin is a bit concerned by the request, still, he did as he had been told.
No colors .
“Okay, okay.” Jisung nodded, “I just wanted to see something, Thanks.” He waved at Seungmin then left him dumbfounded by the door. He shrugged and left the room before he could think anything of it. (He thought too much of it that night)
The only people remaining are Hyunjin and Changbin. Now, this was a shocking reveal. He hadn’t expected to be between these two which is why he made them last on the list. Besides, Hyunjin doesn’t like him and Changbin had told him before that he’s like a hyung to him. It was weird.
“Hyunjin, psst.” He poked at Hyunjin, receiving a grumble. “Can you look at me-”
Minho giggled in his seat, turning to look at Jisung. “Yah, Sung. You’re still asking for that?” He might have forgotten that Minho was sitting beside Hyunjin and would have heard their conversation even in their hushed whispers.
His ears turned red when all attention dropped to him. “It’s nothing! I just wanted to tease.” Minho and Felix don’t seem convinced by the reason, Felix had dropped it but Minho has his eyes on Jisung, he knew all too well that he doubts Jisung’s words.
He let out a sigh, slumping down on the couch in defeat, Maybe, he can continue this tomorrow. It would be easy for him to check in on Changbin despite their busy schedule. He would probably be in the studio.
His eyes narrowed at Changbin, thinking that he’s the one in love when he realized that the colors haven’t left his vision. Changbin is not looking at him, and that means…
His widened eyes snapped towards Hyunjin, getting him caught off-guard at the sudden action. Hyunjin frantically moves his eyes off of him, pretending to be immersed in the movie when he isn’t.
This is the weird part, and it’s crazy for him to believe. Hyunjin, Hyunjin , is in love with him. This is not what he was expecting.
He can’t get it out of his head. He wasn’t able to grab Hyunjin before he left while avoiding Jisung on the way, he rushed too fast for him to catch.
A smile forms on his face, raising his hand as if he wants to catch the shining stars in the sky. He had gone to the park after they all left Minho and Chan’s apartment. Jisung let out a laugh, remembering how he could see the colors again.
“I know you’re crazy, but… you’re laughing by yourself.” He jumped in his seat, scrambling to the side until he saw Minho standing with his big coat hugging him and his hands stuffed in his pockets.
“Hyung!” He said out of shock, “What are you doing here?” Minho tilted his head, walking towards him. Jisung thought he would sit at the bench. But, instead, he stood in front of him.
“You’ve been acting weird, weird.” He looked down at Jisung, “You asked the question to them, why?”
“Question?” He parroted.
Minho sighed, “Can you look at me?” His lips formed in a thin line as he remembers saying that to Minho too many times at the very same park that they are in. “It hurts me that I’m not the only one privileged to get that question.” He joked.
“Do you… Do you really want to know, hyung?” His vulnerable eyes met Minho’s. “I was terrified to say it before but I- I think that I moved on.”
“Moved on?”
“I was in love with you.” He whispered, looking down at his lap and played with his fingers. “And… And I knew you were in love with me too.” He took a peek under his lashes, seeing Minho opening his mouth to say something but nothing came out.
“Jisung… I- I don’t…” He struggled over his words. He hesitantly reached out, pulling him up on his feet and into his arms. Jisung was shocked by the action, leaving his arms hanging by his side as Minho hugs him. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m not…”
“You’re not in love with me anymore?” Jisung laughed humorlessly, “I know… I know already, that you fell out of love with me and you fell in love with Chan.” His eyes watered at finally letting his feelings be heard.
“Sung… But, how…?”
“I have this condition.” He pulled away from Minho, rubbing his eyes, “That when someone who loves me looks at me, I will see colors. I have only seen black and white and… for two years when I’m with you, I could see the colors.” Minho processed the words, looking at Jisung with wide eyes.
“You…”
“Remember when I cried at the cafe? That’s the first time that I didn’t see the colors. I was… I couldn’t believe it at first.” He let out a shaky breath.
“I’m really sorry, I could have…”
Jisung shook his head, smiling. “You couldn’t have, hyung. You can’t force love. It just, it hurts that I was too late to have you but you’re happy with Chan.”
“You’re an idiot.” Minho pulled him into a hug once again, stuffing his head in his neck, “An absolute idiot.” He muttered.
“Yeah, yeah. I am.”
Jisung felt a lot lighter when he finally confessed everything to Minho, there are no more secrets between them. It was freeing to let someone else know about what he’s going through.
He and Minho may have ended up just as friends, and he might have started a new chapter with someone else but that doesn’t mean Jisung had been left behind. He’s also starting to begin a new chapter with someone else.
“Would it be crazy to tell you that I’m totally in love with you?” Hyunjin stumbled in his feet, slapping Jisung in the arms as his face reddened at the sudden words.
“The hell is wrong with you, you dumbass.” Jisung smiled, knowing that Hyunjin isn’t picking a fight with him. Not when the colors vibrantly surround him every time that his eyes are on Jisung.
“You heard me, you moron. Now, accept my hug!” He opened his arms to catch Hyunjin, but he was already running before he got to wrap him. “Yah! Come back here!”
“You stink!” Hyunjin laughed, turning around to poke a tongue out to provoke Jisung. His smile was bright, his eyes turning crescent, crinkling with laughter while Jisung chased him around campus.
The colors are so beautiful. He may have lost it before due to his carelessness, but this time, he wants for it to stay. He’ll protect it, he’ll protect him.
The colors may be beautiful, but the feeling of being loved and being in love is much more pleasant.