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"It followed me home! Can we keep it, Hannibal? Please? Please? Please?"
"There's no way that thing just followed us home," BA growled, looking suspiciously at Murdock. "This fool snuck it onto the plane!"
Hannibal looked at Murdock. "Is that true?"
"It followed me onto the plane!" Murdock protested.
"'It' is a girl," Face informed them.
The team crowded around the dog and looked. She was, in a word, the ugliest bitch that any of them had ever seen. She was clearly a mutt -- a pitbull cross, most likely. One ear was mangled, her tail had been either shoddily docked or torn off, her jaws were huge and her chest was like a barrel -- good for fighting, not so good for aesthetics -- and she was positively covered in scars. Of course, seeing as she had come from the dogfighting ring the team had just successfully busted, that wasn't surprising.
"She's probably dangerous," Hannibal began gently, trying to let the pilot down lightly.
"She's not dangerous!"
"And how do you know that?"
"She told me."
Face blinked. "She...told you?"
Murdock nodded. "She also says she likes bacon."
"Are you hearing this, Hannibal?" BA growled. "This crazy fool thinks he can talk to a dog. A dog!"
Hannibal sighed. Of course this decision would be up to him.
"Please, Hannibal?" Murdock begged. "I'll love her and feed her and groom her and teach her to sit and roll over and play fetch and she can sleep on my bed and-"
"Murdock," Face interrupted, "we only have one bed."
Murdock stopped his rant. "Oh." Then he brightened up. "I can make her her own bed!"
"What do you think, Face?" Hannibal asked.
"Heck, I'm down for it!" Face grinned. "I love dogs."
"And BA? What do you think?"
The big guy sighed. "Can't it go somewhere else?"
"A shelter, maybe," Hannibal told him. "But I would say her chances of adoption are on par with our chances of being reinstated in the Army. And after awhile, they would have to-"
"I won't let them kill you!" Murdock informed the dog, squeezing her closer. Miraculously, the dog didn't rip his throat out. "I won't let them get you, girl. We will flee into the wilds! We will fight to the bitter end! We will-"
"You'll shut up, that's what you'll do," BA told him.
Murdock turned towards BA. As if the actual dog's puppy eyes weren't bad enough, Murdock had to go and make them too. BA sighed.
Then Murdock held the dog up in front of his face. "Please don't kill me!" he said in a remarkably high-pitched voice. "I'm cute and cuddly!"
"All right, all right!" BA cried, exasperated. "We can keep the damn dog!"
In a swift move, Murdock put the dog down and flung himself at BA, wrapping him up in a giant Murdock-hug, which was a little bit like being hugged by an amorous octopus.
"Thanks, Bosco!" he grinned. "You'll love her, you'll see! And she loves you too!"
"Did she tell you that too?"
"Yep."
"Great," BA rolled his eyes. "Okay, get off me, you crazy fool. I'm not carrying you inside."
"But you're so comfortable!"
Face and Hannibal looked at each other, and then down at the dog, who wagged her tail happily.
"So...who's going to go shopping for dog food?" Face asked.
The two looked at each other, and spoke at the same time.
"You!"
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"Princess?"
"Yep."
"You want to name this dog...Princess."
"She is a princess!"
"She is?"
"She was the princess of the dogs. She-"
"Let me guess. She told you."
"How did you know?"
Hannibal rolled his eyes. Well, at least that explained the tiny plastic tiara that Murdock had brought back from the store. A larger version was sitting on the pilot's head.
"Hey, Murdock, if she's Princess, does that make you a queen?" BA chuckled.
"Good sir," Murdock replied with his favorite English accent, "how darest thou impugne my noble name!"
"You're not one to talk, BA," Face said, looking up from his book. "Remember last week?"
"Shut up, fool, I was drunk on the good stuff," BA growled. "Those Russians know their way around a bottle of vodka."
"They know their way around other stuff, too," Hannibal said absentmindedly, zoning out. The other three exchanged glances, and immediately placed the new bit of information into two categories: "Hannibal's Mysterious Past" and "Fantasy Fuel."
"Did you remember dog food, or did you just get jewelry?"
"I got plenty of dog food!" Murdock sounded almost offended. "And some stuff for dinner, and some dog grooming supplies, and some of that shampoo you like, Face."
"Thanks!" Face grinned, rooting through the grocery bag. He paused. "Wait. Didn't I just buy a new bottle last week?"
Murdock and Hannibal exchanged a very shifty glance.
"You did," Hannibal confirmed.
"It smelled really good," Murdock nodded.
Face rolled his eyes and took the damn shampoo. He was going to have to start hiding it. Again.
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Princess situated herself into their little family rather quickly, and, much to the surprise of everyone except Murdock, she wasn't as messed up as they had expected. Sure, she really didn't like other dogs, but other than that, she was fine. Ate normally, slept well, was apparently house-trained -- and god only knew how that had happened -- and, most importantly for them, had no problems with guns, Murdock's cooking, or suspicious noises coming from upstairs.
Their current house -- which they had held onto for six months, and were hoping to get to have for an entire year -- was close to the Oregon-California border, right in the wilderness, with no neighbors for miles and a big, big backyard to run around in.
"Come on! Bet you can't get this! Bet you can't get this! Oh, you got it!" Face laughed wildly and dove to wrestle the frisbee from Princess. The two were running around the backyard like idiots while Murdock was barbequing and Hannibal and BA were trying not to look at what Murdock was doing with the grill. Sometimes, his food tasted better if you didn't know what went into it.
"Why did we let him keep the damn dog?" BA grumbled good-naturedly.
"Well, for one thing, neither of us could resist the puppy dog eyes," Hannibal replied. "And for another, well...now Face has a running buddy."
As if on cue, Face whipped off his shirt and whirled it around his head, before throwing the frisbee again.
"Murdock's damn begging eyes and Face's damn chest," BA sighed, taking a leisurely swig of beer.
"It's a hard life," Hannibal agreed.
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"Hannibal! Hey, Hannibal! Is that you?"
"Hmmm?"
"Oh, I guess not. Sorry."
"What? What is it? Something wrong?"
"No, no, I just keep hearing these panting noises. You think Murdock's having one of those weird dreams again?"
"Wha' 'bout me?"
"Sorry, Murdock. Go back to sleep."
"Hannibal? Face? Why are you guys awake?"
"Face said he was hearing noises-"
"Oh, that's Princess."
"What?"
"What?"
"Where is she? I thought she was sleeping downstairs!"
"She got lonely!"
"Where is she? I can't see her!"
"That's because it's dark, and you're squished between Murdock and me."
"Heh."
"Yeah, I know."
"But seriously. Is she on the bed?"
"Technically, yes."
"Is she...oh. Oh, boy."
"Yep."
"BA is not going to be happy."
"But look! He's cuddling her!"
"Murdock, man, don't you know that dog morning breath is the worst morning breath in the world?"
"You're right!"
"Ow!"
"What the-"
"Wha' you crazy fools doing now?"
"Nothing, Bosco. Go back to sleep."
"Stop spooning me."
"But I'm too tired to fork!"
"Then you better shove over, because if we're gonna do this, then I'm gonna be the big spoon."
"Ow!"
"Sorry, Face."
"Everybody shut up and sleep."
"Hannibal? Hannibal, the dog's on my feet."
"Shut up, Face."
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He was getting a bit too old to be jumping out of burning buildings.
"Hannibal? How are you doing?"
"I'm fine," he growled. "It's just a little sprain."
"It doesn't look so little, boss," BA said worriedly, who was supporting a good deal of Hannibal's weight.
"I just need to sit down and get some ice on it," Hannibal told him as Face opened the door to Princess' ecstatic barking.
"Hello, you gorgeous girl, did you miss your daddies?" he grinned, reaching down to rub behind her ears.
"You stole my line," Murdock complained.
"Get out of the way, fools," BA grunted. Together, and with much blustery grumbling from Hannibal, they maneuvered him onto the couch.
"It looks kinda like a grapefruit," Murdock observed.
"You're gonna have to stay off that for at least a week," Face told him.
"Thank you, Doctor Face," Hannibal grumbled. With bluster.
"We can take care of the rest of the job," BA said quietly. "It's just clean-up. We already finished the legwork."
"We can totally handle ourselves," Face said. He paused, and then added a big grin for insurance.
Hannibal sighed again. "You leave tomorrow at five in the morning. BA, you're in charge."
"I am?"
"He is?"
"Does this mean no chopper?"
"Hell yeah, it means no chopper!" BA informed the pilot, grinning.
Hannibal sighed. If he could, he would make the damn dog leader. Unfortunately, as Murdock was the only one who talked to her, there was bound to be some translation problems. "Would someone please get me some ice and a goddamn cigar?"
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Two hours after the other three had left, Hannibal found himself fluctuating between being bored out of his mind and worried out of his mind.
"Well, now Murdock isn't the only one out of his mind," he told Princess, who had curled up next to him and was providing some sort of soothing, snuggling, hairy company. Not so different from his team, really.
"And now I'm talking to the dog. Great. I really am turning into Murdock."
He shook his head and looked down into Princess' big brown eyes.
"They're good boys, you know," he told her, scratching behind her ears. She panted happily. "Yeah, I know you know. BA slips you bacon, doesn't he? I can see you getting fatter." It was actually sheer muscle growth, but the dog was still widening. "Good girl, Princess. Good girl."
Hannibal sighed. It could be worse.
At least he wasn't talking to the toaster.
Yet.
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"Hey, Hannibal! Check out this trick I taught the dog." BA grinned and crouched down next to Princess.
"Murdock's flying us!" he said, and the dog immediately rolled over and played dead.
"I taught her one too!" Face informed them. "Hey, Princess! BA's cooking!"
Princess whined and covered her snout with her paws.
"Real cute, Face," BA growled. "Real cute."
"Aren't I just?"
"What about you, Murdock?" Hannibal asked. "Did you teach Princess a trick?"
Murdock nodded, smiling.
"Can we see?" Face asked.
Murdock shook his head. "It's not time yet."
"Well, when will it be time?"
"You'll know when it's time."
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Hannibal was woken from a dead sleep in the middle of the night by a loud, harsh, persistent noise. He sat bolt upright, adrenaline pounding.
Princess was barking, and it didn't sound like anything they had heard before. It sounded frightened and angry.
"What is it? What's wrong?" BA mumbled as the others woke up. Murdock scrambled over him and onto the floor, peering out the window into the dark, crouching close to the ground.
"It looks like we're going to be forcibly evicted, gentlemen," he informed them.
"All right, boys, we planned for this.. Move!" Hannibal ordered, leaping out of bed and sticking the emergency cigar he kept on the nightstand between his teeth. Sneaking up on them while they were sleeping. The new guy assigned to their case -- Decker -- was good, but not the best.
Like lightning, BA went for the weapons cache, Face grabbed their fake IDs and incriminating papers, Hannibal collected their few personal belongings that went everywhere with them, and Murdock sloshed gasoline all over the most flammable parts of the house. The military police, while they must have noticed the barking, would still be trying to sneak up on them, maybe even get inside the house before they woke up. Well, too late for that.
"That damn fool dog is earning her keep after all," BA grunted, chucking a pistol at Hannibal before pulling on the camouflage coat and climbing out the west window, his predetermined exit. Murdock went through the east window, Face out the back, and Hannibal through the basement trapdoor.
They had a car in the driveway and a Jeep in the back, but what they needed to get to were the ATVs, hidden in four separate locations in the woods.
"Move, guys!" Hannibal ordered again. "We go hot in thirty seconds!"
"We're always hot!" Face cried, gleefully leaping out the window and running off into the night. Hannibal waited three seconds.
"That's one of them!"
"That's Peck!"
"Shoot him!"
"Not if I shoot you first, suckers!" came the adrenaline-crazed cry. Then gunshots. "Outta my way, I got a hot date!"
"Show-off," BA grumbled, taking advantage of the distraction Face created to crawl his way through the underbrush that led into the woods.
Two safe. Hannibal waited by the basement entrance, cloaked in darkness, surrounded by the smell of gasoline, straining his eyes for a glimpse of the pilot, trying to discern whether or not he had got into the woods yet. The military police were shouting now, yelling orders to enter the house and to tighten the ranks so that nobody else would slip through.
"Can't do both, lads," Hannibal chuckled around the cigar, holding the lighter and waiting...waiting...waiting....
Uh-oh.
"There's another!"
"Take him down!"
"Sic him, Princess! Kill! Kill!"
Hannibal stopped his frantic run towards the back side of the house. That didn't sound like a military order. Sure enough, there was growling, a snapping sound, and suspiciously human yelps.
"Beware the dog!" Murdock shouted unnecessarily, laughing like a hyena.
That would do for a cue.
Hannibal lit his cigar calmly, took a drag, and tossed the lighter into the puddle of gasoline a few feet away before running like hell for the woods. He didn't look back, but he could hear the first crackling flames running up the walls, before reaching the tank of heating oil in the basement.
Boom.
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"That was a nice house," Face commented, pulling the ATV up next to Hannibal and BA's at their designated meeting point, an auto shop owned by a guy who owed them a few favors. "Shame we had to blow it up."
"I'm thinking we should head a little farther south this time," Hannibal said. "Maybe try L.A. again. Hide in plain sight."
"Right under their noses," Face grinned, still on an endorphin high from the thrill of a narrow escape -- although, to be honest, the escape had been exceptionally wide.
"Where's Murdock and that fool dog?" BA grumbled, not very happy to have had his sleep interrupted.
Almost on cue, a rumbling sound was heard from the woods behind them, and out came Murdock on his ATV, clutching Princess to his chest. She was wearing the helmet. Both were covered in leaves.
"Sorry I'm late, chaps!" he greeted them. "Got caught up in a little snag."
"Nice to see you," Face said. "Glad you grabbed that fool dog." He looked at BA.
Hannibal did too. "That fool dog saved our asses."
"Princess makes an excellent guard dog," Murdock agreed.
BA sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, maybe having her around was a good idea."
Murdock grinned maniacally. "Did you like the trick I taught her?"
Hannibal winced. "Murdock...she didn't actually kill anybody, did she?"
He shook his head. "No way, boss-man. She just snuggles them into submission."
"Death snuggling," Face mused. "I like that."
"It was a very good trick," Hannibal told his pilot. "BA, did you get all the arms?"
"And the ammo."
"Face?"
"All of the IDs and papers. Oh, and our cash."
"Good. Cash is good." Hannibal paused and looked down. Under their emergency-exit camo, it was very clear that all of them were still in their pajamas. Unfortunately, the only person who that actually looked good on was Face, whose sleepwear consisted of a leopard-print banana hammock. "By any chance, did anyone grab actual clothes?"
BA shook his head and looked slightly guilty. Face shook his head and unzipped his camo jacket a little more, preening.
Hannibal turned toward the pilot. "Murdock?"
Murdock reached into his pocket and pulled out two sparkly plastic objects. "I got Princess' crown. And someone else can wear the big one, if they want."
Hannibal sighed. It was going to be a long night.