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It was one of those nights where Katsuki couldn’t sleep. His thoughts were racing and his brain decided to do that thing where it would loop memories that he wished to forget. This sucks.
Feeling restless and irritated, he decided to get out of bed. He wasn’t sure what he needed to do, but he felt like staying in bed wasn’t going to help him. He got up, sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the floor contemplating if he should go for a run or if there was something else he could do to keep himself distracted from his own intrusive thoughts.
Just when he thought he made a decision, zzt, his phone vibrated and the light on his screen illuminated.
“Who the FUCK is texting me at this ungodly hour?” Katsuki muttered to himself. He peers at his phone and it’s a message from Deku. Shitty Deku. He also notices that it’s only 11pm and maybe it’s not a terrible time to receive a message, but it felt like he had been trying to fall asleep for hours .
What in the world could Deku want? It’s been three years since they last talked to each other. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that it’s been three years since Katsuki got dumped by the beautiful fucker and they haven’t talked since. What does he want?...
It’s one thing to not be able to fall asleep because your mind decided it didn’t want to shut up. It’s another thing to not be able to fall asleep because you remembered how you screwed up your last relationship with the most precious person in the world and those thoughts are on replay AND said person is now contacting you in the middle of the night.
It’s 11pm. Deku messaged me. Deku. Night time. Booty call? NO. WTF. Goddamnit horny brain, please shut the fuck up. There is no way Deku would want to sleep with me, let alone have anything to do with me now. Stop playing with the idea that he’d ever want me back. Please…
Katsuki hadn’t even opened the message yet and his thoughts were already creating scenarios in which Deku was contacting him just to break Katsuki’s heart all over again. He sighed and grounded himself by remembering the facts:
I’m having a hard time sleeping. I was thinking about the past. Deku is messaging me. The worst thing that could ever happen to me already happened - losing Deku. Opening this message from Shitty Deku... what could he possibly say that could be worse than what he said three years ago?
Putting everything into perspective, Katsuki takes a deep breath, swipes his phone and reads the new message:
Uh…. hi Kaachan. It’s been a while. Can we talk?
Katsuki reads the last three words again and again.
Can. We. Talk. Can. We. Talk. Can. We. Talk.
There’s nothing objectively wrong with anything in that message, but he forgot how his stomach dropped the last time he heard those three words. Because those were the last three words he remembered before getting his heart broken by the conversation that followed. Screw anxiety. UGH.
He stared at the message and tried to think of a reply. He types, then deletes. Types something again, then deletes part of it, revises the message, then holds the backspace button down to delete the whole message. Why is it so hard to reply to a yes or no question?
He ends up replying:
Sure.
When and where?
After Katsuki hits send, he realized that there was nothing in Deku’s message that implied he wanted to see Katsuki, Deku only asked to talk to him.
Fucking damn it. Why the hell do I always screw things up when it comes to this bastard? It’s all Deku’s fault for texting me when I should have been sleeping and. Wait no. This is one of the reasons why he dumped me. I kept blaming him for everything and I was too stupid to articulate my feelings. He always makes me - ugh. There I go again, blaming him for my feelings. Why does he make me so crazy? He’s the only person capable of evoking -
Zzzt zzzt zzzt. Zzzt zzzt zzzt.
Before Katsuki’s anxiety could go further down the rabbit hole of racing thoughts, his phone started ringing. He picked up the phone call without even thinking.
“Kaachan? Kaachan? Are you there?”
Crap. I’m not prepared for this conversation.
“Yeah, I’m here, Deku.”
“Oh hi Kaachan. I’m sorry for calling you so late. Actually, I’m surprised you were awake? Don’t you normally go to bed earlier? Or were you having trouble sleeping agai-“
“What do you want, Deku?” Jeez, I don’t know whether to be happy or creeped out that he still knows me so well.
“Right, sorry. I didn’t mean to ramble like I used to. Umm… how do I say this.”
“I don’t know what you want to say. How do you say what? You’re the one who called me.” Katsuki didn’t mean to sound snappy, he just felt so caught off guard. Also, he can’t help but sound irritated when it comes to Deku.
“Right, sorry Kaachan. I just - “
“And will you stop apologizing.” Gosh he’s the same as ever.
“Right, sorr- I mean. Okay. So the reason why I wanted to talk is… Uhhh… actually since you’re awake, can I see you? I can meet you at the park outside your apartment… that is, if you still live in the same apartment?”
What. He wants to see me? Am I hallucinating?
“Yeah, sure. I moved, but I still live really close to that park.”
Katsuki doesn’t tell Deku that he moved out of his old apartment because he couldn’t bear the thought of living in the same place where he and Deku would spend so much time together. It was so painful. So painful to constantly be reminded that he and the best thing that could ever happen to him was no longer a thing. Katsuki couldn’t say all that.
“Oh you moved! I wonder if Kaachan’s new apartment is still ridiculously clean haha… You were always such a neat freak.”
“And what of it? What’s wrong with being clean? I have standards with my home hygiene, unlike you, slob.”
“Hey! That was uncalled for! I’m not a slob!”
“Sure, slob.” Goddamnit. It’s been three years, but it feels like no time has passed since we last talked. Why is it so easy to talk to him? Why does this still feel so natural? I miss this nerd.
Katsuki can hear Deku audibly sigh over the phone.
“Anyway, if it’s not too much trouble Kaachan, can we meet at that park in 20 minutes?”
“Alright. I’ll see you there.”
“Okay, see you soon Kaachan.” The phone clicked as the call was hung up, and that concluded the phone conversation that felt too short and an eternity at the same time. Sure, Katsuki might have sounded calm over the phone, but he was internally freaking the fuck out. His chest felt heavy and his stomach was up in knots. He couldn’t tell if he was excited or if he was terrified at the idea of being able to see Deku again. The blonde realized that excitement and feeling terrified were two sides of the same coin, so it made sense not to be able to discern the two feelings from each other.
When he took a deep breath, Katsuki was able to realize that he missed the cute nerd’s gentle voice. He felt like a complete mess after being able to hear it again, but it sounded as sweet as ever. He kept a bunch of old voice messages from his ex-boyfriend and would randomly listen to them to purposely torture himself, but he didn’t think he’d be able to hear that wonderful voice talk to him again.
What would I do to be able to hear that voice again everyday.
Before Katsuki could slip into some fantasy of getting back together with Deku, a fantasy he completely shut off and refused to entertain after not talking to Deku for a year, he realized that he needed to get ready to meet the stupid nerd at that park. That stupid park that was a constant reminder of all the nice dates they had gone on. That stupid park where they first kissed each other. That stupid park where they made so many memories. That stupid park where - Jeez. The racing thoughts are strong tonight.
Okay, just fucking dress up and show up. This isn’t a date. We’re not getting back together. He just wants to talk. What does he want to talk about? Ugh. Doesn’t matter. You already said you’ll see him there. Just get ready and go.
Katsuki quickly went through his closet and decided to wear his black tank top and black plants. It’s not like he needs to think very hard about what to wear. Although, subconsciously, Katsuki chose something that showed off his arms and would tease the viewer with his chest because he knew his pecs were something to brag about. He also remembered how Deku was weak for those things about him. Not that he cared what Deku thought. Actually, that’s a lie. He cared a lot about what Deku thought and he just really wanted Deku back in his life again.
——————————————————————————————
The park is quiet. Of course it’s quiet, who would be at this park on a Tuesday night at 11:45pm? The cool air wrapped around Katsuki’s skin and felt really nice. He might have needed to just step outside for a breath of fresh air. He’s early and he’s okay with that. Until he’s unable to get his mind to shut up again.
When was the last time I felt this nervous? Why are we meeting up again? Is this a good idea? Ugh… probably not. When is it ever a good idea to just meet up with my ex-boyfriend at a time I should be sleeping after we haven’t spoken to each other in years. I could have just fucking said no? But could I really have said no? I mean who could say no to that voice, those eyes, and that ass - GODDAMNIT. Why can’t I stop thinking about his ass. I need to get laid. Or do I? When was the last time that happened? Ugh… it probably sucked and made me more miserable because it made me miss him more. What am I -
“Kaachan, hi!” Izuku greets timidly. “It’s been a while.”
Katsuki’s mind goes blank. No thoughts, just Deku. All Katsuki is thinking about is how pretty Deku is. Those big beautiful emerald eyes. Those lush pouty lips. His soft, curly hair that manages to wrap around the edges of his face so perfectly and in all the right places to accentuate his gorgeous facial features. Is it possible for someone to become prettier when they were already so beautiful to begin with? Fuck.
“Hey Deku.”
“So how are you doing?”
Katsuki doesn’t know how to answer that question. If he was being really honest, he could tell Deku that he’s completely miserable and how it’s been even harder to sleep since they broke up. He could tell Deku that there was a long period of time when he felt so numb and empty that nothing phased him. He could tell Deku that he purposely pushed all the people dear to him away - hurt people and made them cry, and Katsuki felt nothing. It was as though the world stopped turning when Deku was no longer in the equation.
Katsuki could also be honest and tell Deku that he’s fine now that Deku is there. He could say that Deku’s presence is enough to keep him calm and his thoughts are no longer out of control when Deku is around. He could say that everything just makes sense now that he's seeing Deku again, but instead, Katsuki's emotionally constipated self responds, "I've been better."
It's not a lie and it's actually an improvement from saying something like, "It's none of your goddamn business, Shitty Deku." Thank goodness he didn't say that. Katsuki would probably just run back home and curl up in a ball and regret ever agreeing to meeting up with Deku had he said that instead. Katsuki was saved by his own attempt at muting his overwhelming feelings for Deku.
"Oh, are you okay, Kaachan?"
That's an even harder question for Katsuki to respond to. What does being okay even mean?
"Damn it Deku. What do you want to talk about? Why did you want to meet up with me?" Katsuki lost his patience. His thoughts were starting to race again with every question that had been asked.
I miss you. I want to be with you. I see you again and all I want is for you to be mine again. Won't you take me back? Actually, don't take me back. You'll probably just dump me again.
Deku looks down and then slightly peers up. He was always so good at looking so innocent with those puppy dog eyes, but Deku wasn't very innocent and Katsuki knew that. It was one of those things that Katsuki wished he could forget, but also sear into his memory after they broke up to savor one of the things Deku only revealed to Katsuki when they were together.
"Kaachan… please don't get mad at me, but I actually don't know why I called you or asked you to meet with me."
"HUH? Are you being fucking serious?"
“Umm… yes. Yes, I am.” Izuku responds with no hesitation. Izuku might not know why he asked to meet with Katsuki, but he’s never ashamed to admit his true feelings - something Katsuki always struggled with, something Katsuki admired and eventually realized he grew jealous of. Izuku continues to speak, “I just had this gut feeling that I needed to talk to you at this very moment. I know it’s been a long time. I know we didn’t end on good terms. Honestly, I’m surprised you agreed to meet with me so quickly, let alone respond to my message and phone call. Something was just telling me that I needed to talk to you right now. Please don’t get offended, but it’s like… something was telling me that you needed help, but didn’t know how to ask for it… so here I am… offering to help you if you need it?”
Katsuki’s eyes widened. He stared directly into Izuku’s eyes knowing fully well that he wouldn’t be able to resist them.
“You’re looking down at me again, aren’t you? If I needed help, why in the world would I ask you?” is what Katsuki probably would have said three years ago, but instead of reacting in such a way, Katsuki continued to stare at Izuku without saying a word, unable to respond.
Looking at Izuku for a long time made all the good memories flood back. All the memories that Katsuki had tried to shut away insisted on coming back. The memories of Izuku just being there for him even when he didn’t ask him to be. The memories of them going to the beach and eating ice cream. The memories of going over to each other’s apartments. Every memory that felt good back then had hurt Katsuki intensely at the present moment. It felt like all his emotions were pouring out of him.
“Kaachan? Are you crying?”
Shit. What the fuck is happening right now.
“Kaachan, it’s okay. I’m here.” Izuku said with the most gentle voice possible. Without thinking, Izuku wrapped his arms around Katsuki.
“I’m here? I’M HERE? Why are you saying that like you’re some kind of stupid hero… Where were you these past three years? Why now? Everything fucking hurts and I want to say it’s your fault, but it’s not. I’ve been an anxious mess since you’ve left and my head won’t stop replaying all the memories… I feel so empty, but I don’t deserve you. I kept wondering what I would say to you if we ever got to talk again, but now that you’re here… Now that you’re here, I can’t help but remember that I fucked up. I fucked up my one chance of being happy and I’m scared of being with you again because you’ll probably just dump my stupid ass because you’re Mr. Perfect and you somehow managed to become an even better person than you already are while I managed to continue become an even more garbage person than I already was and- ”
Katsuki felt something warm on his lips which interrupted his thoughts that wouldn’t stop spilling out of his mouth. Soft, luscious, and salty? Izuku was kissing Katsuki and Katsuki was crying so much that he was tasting his own tears.
The kiss was brief, but it felt so good. Izuku took a step back, and when he opened his eyes, Katsuki noticed that Izuku was also crying and the saltiness was actually coming from both of their tears spilling into their kiss.
“Kaachan, I missed you too. I’m sorry we haven’t talked in three years, but we always kind of sucked at communicating with each other, haven’t we?”
Katsuki somehow manages to chuckle. Feelings are stupid. They’re so unpredictable because one moment he’ll be an anxious, angry mess spilling his guts out to his ex-boyfriend and the next moment he’ll be letting out a small laugh because he doesn’t know how to emote any better.
“Yeah, I really suck at communicating.” Katsuki responds.
“I said *we* suck at communicating. That includes me too, Kaachan.” Hearing Izuku admit to the same faults gave Katsuki mixed feelings. Actually, what’s really giving him mixed feelings is the fact that they kissed.
Oh my fucking GODS, THE STUPID FUCKER KISSED ME. AND HE’S SAYING HE MISSED ME. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. AM I HALLUCINATING??? Wait, if this is a dream then… there shouldn’t be consequences if I also…
Katsuki went for it. He decided to get a taste of those sweet lips again. And again, and again. Everything felt good and his mind went blank. He tugged at Deku’s bottom lip by sucking on it just a little, then decided to bite it like how he used to when they were together.
“Ow, Kaachan that hurt.” Izuku pushed Katsuki away.
Oh fuck. This is real life. WAIT. I’M STILL CONFUSED.
“Kaachan, I think we should talk things over before we do something stupid.”
Katsuki hesitates, but ends up agreeing reluctantly, “Right… that’s probably a good idea.”
“I miss you and I think I want to be with you again, but I’m scared.”
“You’re scared? YOU’RE scared? That’s my line. If anyone has anything to lose if we get back together again, it’s me. You’re the one who dumped my sorry ass and decided to leave my life completely for the last three years. Do you know how much of a mess I’ve been without you?”
“Kaachan. It’s not fair, you always blamed me for all your feelings when the reality was that you always misunderstood me and took out your frustration on me. I’m allowed to be scared too, and who says I wasn’t miserable these past three years as well?”
That’s true. Who am I to tell him he’s not allowed to be scared? If there’s anything I learned in the past three years it’s the fact that I don’t know how to communicate when I don’t understand something and Deku by far has constantly baffled me and is someone I could never understand.
“You were miserable? Without me? Without my garbage ass personality in your life?”
“Yeah, of course. I thought what I was doing was healthy. I thought breaking up with you was the right thing to do for me. I thought a lot of things actually, but in the end, what I learned after not being with you for so long is that I thought about you everyday. I feel like we constantly challenged each other and we understood each other on a level that I don’t know I’ll ever be able to achieve with another person, and I guess I just felt really lost without you in my life.”
Why the fuck didn’t we talk to each other for so long? I’m so fucking mad at myself because this is so fucking stupid. We were both miserable for how long? When we could have just…
Katsuki lets out a big sigh. A sigh so loud that Izuku isn’t sure what to make of it. It seems that Katsuki just needed a moment to gather himself.
“Stupid nerd. This is so fucking dumb. I missed you so goddamn much and if I had known that you had felt the same this whole fucking time, maybe we wouldn’t be torturing ourselves by not being in each other’s lives.”
“Haha… that’s one way to put it.”
“Not a day went by when I wasn’t thinking of your stupid smile and your dumb laugh. Deku, I promise I’ve been working on myself. I promise that I’ll be accountable for my own feelings. I promise that I won’t do things to purposely sabotage our relationship because of my fragile ego. I promise I’ll be better, so if you’d take me back, I promise to make you the happiest person in the world.”
Did that all just come out of my mouth? Ugh… that is the cheesiest shit I’ve ever said. Fuck. This stupid nerd makes me act like an idiot.
“Yes. A thousand times yes. Kaachan, I love you so much. Please go out with me again?”
But if acting like an idiot means I get to be with him again, I’ll act like the biggest dumbass to possibly exist.
“I thought I was the one asking you to be my boyfriend again?... I love you so much too. Come here, you big nerd.” And with that, Katsuki and Izuku sealed their relationship with a kiss.
“Goddamnit, I miss making out with you. It’s also really fucking late. Is it possible for you to come by my new apartment right now so that we could catch up on three years of not making out with each other?”
Izuku smirks at Katsuki’s request, “Is it possible for me to come by your new apartment so that we could catch up on three years of not having sex, Kaa-chan?~”
Katsuki short circuits. The way Izuku teases him by asking such a question and saying his name in a seductive way does something to Katsuki. Especially after not having a good lay in the past three years. He thought he was being forward by asking Izuku to come over and make out, but Izuku always has to one up him, not that he’s complaining about it this time.
“Okay, that’s it. You know what you’re getting yourself into when you talk to me like that, you little slut.” Katsuki retorts.
“Oh no, I’m so scared~” Izuku taunts back. Katsuki grabs Izuku by the wrist to drag him to his new apartment to make new memories with his boyfriend. And to catch up on three years of missing each other.