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Ladybug’s lies have always been out of necessity. He knew that. He isn’t mad at her for that, he couldn’t be. Adrien can admit it, he’s done the same; lie to the love of his life.
It’s funny how things like that can happen, falling in love. Does love exist without doubt?
But it’s different this time. He can feel it. Something important is being kept from him. As much as he wants to, he doesn’t question it. Never questions it, not with the miraculous, not his schedule, definitely not Father. That’s what he’s learned. Ladybug knows what she’s doing. As long as nothing between them changes. It won’t change, can’t change.
-
The rift between him and Ladybug is stronger than he remembers, and Adrien would've never thought of being confronted by Nino with the possibility that Alya is in love with Chat Noir. Adrien can’t help but laugh. It seems outrageous. It is outrageous. He decides he needs to go and see Alya tonight. He’s not taking any chances, no risks tonight.
Visiting Alya confirmed what Adrien thought to be true. Alya is still very, very in love with Nino, despite his dramatics. No reason to worry.
“How can you love someone you don’t know?” Alya says flippantly. Her words make Adrien’s heart sink.
He tries to message Ladybug that night, just to talk.
She doesn’t reply.
-
Adrien didn’t expect to be dragged into a boiler room by a seemingly heartbroken Nino. He also didn’t expect to learn that last night while he was visiting Alya, Nino was spying from the shadows. He tries to argue with Nino, tries to give enough to prove Nino wrong without compromising his identity.
“Were you there? Are you involved in this?” Nino questions Adrien with an intensity he hasn’t seen from him before.
Yes, Adrien thinks. He doesn’t want to lie to Nino.
“No. Of course not. All I’m saying is that Alya and Chat Noir barely even know each other.” Adrien isn’t even sure if Alya has talked to Chat Noir before last night. He can’t remember. It’s gotten hard to keep track at this point.
“They know each other better than you think, Adrien.” What is Nino talking about? Alya doesn’t know, does she? Is this a confrontation? Adrien doesn’t think he can handle that right now. Doesn’t know what he would tell Ladybug.
“What do you mean? No one knows Ladybug’s or Chat Noir’s secret identities. Alya can’t fall in love with someone she doesn’t know.” He’s pleading. Either his identity or his best friends feelings, and as much as he’d like to choose the latter, his secret identity comes before anything. “Alya is a reporter, she’s always searching for the truth. She wouldn’t lie to you. You can’t assume anything from just one video, Nino.”
“There’s something you don’t know, Adrien. This isn’t about the video. I shouldn’t be telling you about this, but Alya is Rena Rouge.”
“What?” Is all Adrien can say before Nino cuts him off. This doesn’t make sense. How does Nino know? What about Rena’s identity?
“I know you’re wondering, ‘how do you know that, Nino?’ It’s because I’m Carapace.” No, Adrien thinks, tries to deny it. He'd rather accept the fact that his best friend is a liar than the fact Ladybug is keeping incredibly important information him. This is the last thing he would’ve expected from today, finding out Rena Rogue’s and Carapace’s identities.
“That’s impossible. What about your secret identities? Ladybug wouldn’t approve of this, Nino!” He told the wrong person. Besides Shadow Moth, Adrien was probably the worst person to tell.
“What?” Adrien could tell by the look on Nino’s face that he was getting agitated at how obtuse he was being. He didn’t care. “Ladybug gave us our miraculous at the same time, she knows that we know, dude.”
“Nino, that’s impossible.” Adrien says, still trying to process what that implies. She couldn’t have. She couldn’t have known that Nino and Alya were a thing before she gave them their miraculous, right? She couldn’t have known that and still done it in good faith, right? Right?
“What are you saying? I’m not lying to you, Adrien.”
“I know you’re not.” He wishes Nino was. “I’m just trying to say…” What he wants to say will compromise his identity, and he’s not exactly sure if he’s in the safest spot to do that. “It doesn’t matter. You are Carapace, Alya is Rena Rogue and you guys know that. And Ladybug is okay with that. That still doesn’t mean Alya and Chat Noir are..”
“You don’t know what Chat Noir is like!” Nino exclaims, his frustration with the situation seeping into his words. “He’s always confessing his love to Ladybug, but she always rejects him because of how annoying he is!”
Adrien stops listening after that.
-
Ladybug doesn’t trust him, not enough to tell him about Carapace and Rena Rogue. He needs to find out in different ways. When would he have discovered this if this hadn’t happened? Would he have? His best friend is Carapace, who thinks that he is annoying, who said that Ladybug thinks he’s annoying. Adrien thinks of the patrols that he’s missed, needing Carapace or Rena, or both, to cover for him. Did Ladybug say that, or was that only because of Nino’s rage?
And even though Ladybug potentially thinks that he is annoying, a bad partner, Adrien can’t help but feel betrayed for her. Ladybug’s careful secrets, now in the hands of careless people. Nino let it slip to the wrong person, didn’t know how seemingly small words could lead to the worst possible outcome. He didn’t want to be angry, not at his best friend. How could Nino be so careless? Let not only his, but Alya’s identity to a civilian?
Or maybe, secret identities weren’t as important as they used to be. Maybe Ladybug just used them to keep her distance from him.
-
Plagg’s reassurances don’t help much, Adrien realizes.
“Of course Ladybug trusts you,” He knows when Plagg is lying. It comes out awfully forced. “She’s just stressed. Once she gets the hang of being the guardian-” Adrien cuts Plagg off, he can’t bear to hear this mantra again.
“She will talk to me,” Adrien sighs. It hurts too much. “You’ve sung this song before, Plagg.” He’s not patient enough for this. It’s all too much. Plagg looks sympathetic, but it’s not enough. “I think I need to take a break,” Plagg’s sympathy turns to confusion.
“From what?” Plagg questions.
“I’d like a break from it all, mostly, modelling and stuff, but that’s not really an option. So superhero stuff, I think.” He knows that’s a lie, Plagg knows that’s a lie. He’s lying to himself and he knows it. Both Adrien and Plagg know Chat Noir is his only escape. He doesn’t want to tell Plagg that he just wants Ladybug to miss him like he misses her.
-
He hasn’t spoken to Ladybug, really spoken to her, in weeks. Most Akuma's are either defeated before he arrives, or he’s forced to observe from the sidelines. Nino is quieter, doesn’t text him as much. Adrien doesn’t know if it’s a by-product of him telling Adrien his and Alya’s identities, but he secretly hopes it is. Ladybug doesn’t trust Adrien much either, he’s noticed.
“How can you love someone who you don't know?” Alya’s words still echo. She’s right. How can he love Ladybug?
The secrets are necessary, Adrien reminds himself. But it still lingers, they weren’t his words yet they leave a bitter taste in his mouth. How can he love her when he doesn’t know her? Not anymore. It’s a scary thing, to fall out of love, he realises. Has he been falling out of love? All Adrien knows is that their team isn’t how it once was. Their relationship has changed, it’s been changing, and Adrien would be a fool to not recognise that. Has Ladybug?
-
He’s sitting in the garden, looking at Mother’s statue. It’s a nice day- would be a nice day to patrol, if he had gone. He hears Father walk up behind him, hears the footsteps that remind him to pull himself together.
Father sits beside him, and he has that familiar, brooding look on his face. “Adrien..” Father pauses and looks around, searching. “There is… there is something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Adrien hears no sincerity in his father’s voice, it’s just not there.
“I am Shadow Moth, Adrien.”
Adrien feels like he’s watching from outside his body.
Father is Shadow Moth. Father is Shadow Moth, and it outweighs everything else, but not really. Is it the same hurt? He doesn’t know. Father wants his help. Father needs his help, and somehow he wants to. Father knows he’s been hurting, he tells him, that he knows his secret. Adrien can feel Plagg’s sharp teeth bite into him. “Don’t do this”, it tells him, “You know what you should do.”
Adrien knows what he should do, he should play dumb. ‘What secret?’ He should say. “You know I’m Chat Noir?” Is all Adrien can manage. His voice is shakier than he’d like to admit. A telling, grim smirk grows on Father’s face. Adrien wants to crawl out of his skin, wants to transform and run for his life, screaming, crying for Ladybug. He can’t seem to move. He’s been caught. How could he have been so careless?
“Yes,” Father didn’t know, not for sure, but he didn’t need to. Adrien told him. “And I want you to help me.” Plagg’s small, sharp teeth bite down harder. Hard enough to draw blood. He’s telling Adrien to get out. To put as much distance between him and Shadow Moth as possible and go and find his lady, find Nino, find Alya.
“Help you with what?” He doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to know what Father could possibly need his help for. What Adrien wants is to run. Wants to run away from this large house, from his Father, from the fame, from the miraculous. He never asked for any of this. Who was Fu to choose two children to fight his war? Who was Ladybug to choose two more?
“You love your mother, right Adrien?” Father seems to struggle to find the right words, but it all makes sense to Adrien. Poor Adrien, who was already struggling to keep his head above the water, but is now drowning. It seemed so hard to keep fighting, keep swimming. He doesn’t know if he has any fight left. “With the miraculous-” He talks like he assumes Adrien doesn’t know. But he does. He cuts Father’s monologue off.
“We can bring her back. I know,” Father looks as if Emilie were already brought back from the dead. Adrien’s mouth is dry, and the only thing he can think about is his mother. Of course Father would do all of this for Mother, not for Adrien. Would never even think about doing this for Adrien. He’d never wreck havoc across Paris and leave children to clean up his mess for Adrien.
He knows it’s selfish. He’s selfish. He knows that the right thing to do would be to tell Ladybug and never look back. But he won’t do that. He’s tired of Ladybug, tired of being left in the dark. “Okay.” His breath is shaky, and for a moment he thinks he might vomit on his Father’s shoes. “Okay, I’ll help you.” Father has tears in his eyes, but he’s looking at Adrien like he used to, when Adrien was still small.
“And with your miraculous,” Father chokes out. He doesn’t finish his sentence. Adrien doesn’t know if Plagg is still biting, but if he is Adrien can’t feel it. Father pulls Adrien into a tight hug, and it makes him feel sick. Adrien whispers a silent apology to Ladybug.