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He found himself collapsing again. Tears streaming down his eyes. His head hurt so much everything seems so blurry. His heart felt so empty yet so heavy. He just saw a self harm content with a trigger warning. He thought it wouldn't be a problem but and anxiety rushes in him. He felt so competitive with it.
'This cant be it. I need more scars i need more bruises. I fucking have to do it' But he can't take it. He's not addicted to self harm like before. He used to escape his mess with cuts or beating up himself. Now that he's slowing down there's nothing in his mind to distract him off the pain. It hurts when it bleed but he just can't stop. He needs to add scars. It hurts so bad that he start to beat himself up. He just wanted to die. He just wants to die.
His knees felt so weak. His mind got so loud. The voices telling him to continue. He got so stuck between his conscious mind and mental state. He cover his ears. Unable to take the overwhelmed feelings he started to scream. Either the scream is in his mind or head it didn't matter anymore. Then a pair of hand taking his hand away from his ears. Tapping the thumb at the back of his hands. Slowly a soft sweet hum heard. The slow rhythmical hum start to focus on his messed up minds. He slowly calm down. Eventho it takes about more minutes for him to be completely calm, it works.
He still won't open his eyes. It felt heavy and he didn't want to see his unpleasant bloody wrist.
"Beom.. Beomgyu.. Gyu ah.. " faint soft voice that he recognizes calling out his name. That voice somehow make him feel safe. He slowly open his eyes. Its a bit blurry because of the tears. He can still see. The pretty face. Pretty and comforting smile. "Taehyun ah.. "
He start to feel anxious again. Never in his mind he wants this friend of him to see him in such a mess. He started to loose his hand from Taehyun's grip and find something to cover him. He can't let Taehyun see this mess. Shit its over. He's gonna think im weird shit.
"Go away. Im such a weird bloody mess get the fuck away from me" He felt so anxious. His stomach felt so much like he's gonna throw up anytime soon.
"Beomgyu listen to me i don't care okay?!"
"NO!"
Taehyun grab a close blanket behind him and wrap around Beomgyu. He then hugged him forcely.
"Its okay i can't see you now. Its fine. Its gonna be okay. You're okay now. Im okay with it too. Listen to me Beom"
Taehyun starts to hum again. Hugging the wrapped Beomgyu and rest his chin on Beomgyu's head. Tracing a circle at Beomgyu's back to help him catch the rhythm and calm down.
Beomgyu push him lightly. "Close your eyes" Taehyun just did what Beomgyu told him to. Beomgyu stand up and sit behind Taehyun. He rest his head on the shoulder of the younger. Feeling exhausted after realising his bottled up emotions.
"How long has this going on? " Taehyun speak up.
"Pretty long. Im sorry "
"No why would you-"
"I shouldn't let you find out "
"Then how long have you been planning to keep it in"
"Forever" "Until i die"
"Until you die or until you take your own life and die?"
"Taehyun what.. "
"No? Am i wrong? It must be in your head for so long. Why hyung ah why don't you just open up. Why keep it that long. Is it so hard to walk up to me and rest your head on my shoulder. If its not me then you can go tol Yeonjun hyung. Or even Soobin hyung there's so many choice why the fuck you have to keep it in" Taehyun's voice begin to crack.
Beomgyu startled at the sudden rant. "im sorry.. "
"No stop that shitty apologize. You did nothing wrong. I should've been more aware of you. We all love you. Why don't you get that. Okay we love you I love you hyung ah.. Please" Taehyun starts sobbing.
Beomgyu felt. Nothing. He wants to comfort Taehyun but nothing comes in mind. He just let the younger sobs. His mind went blank. He just sit there. Empty. Soulless. As if all of his emotions earlier disappear in the thin air.
"Let's go" Taehyun stands up.
"Huh? "
"Let me clean you up yeah? "
Taehyun with puffy eyes and a smile plastered on his face. Taking the other hands forcing him to stand up.
Taehyun let Beomgyu sits on his bunk. He grab a tissue and wet it with water and begin to wipe the dried blood off his hands.
"How do you usually take care of these"
"Shower"
Taehyun sighing again. Feeling bad for his hyung. 'how come i never know about this'
He wrap it with a thin bandage just to cover the fresh cuts. Beomgyu just stare at Taehyun. How come this man so clam when he first saw him. What did he feel when he saw Beomgyu so messed up like that. He feels a little glad. Glad by the way Taehyun handle him so calmly. The first time people saw him cuts he receive an embarrassing reaction. The person scream at why did he do that. Beomgyu's hand reach Taehyun's hair that shorter than him. Caressing it softly.
"You don't have to worry though"
"Why wouldn't i"
"I have you now? "
A small smile formed on Beomgyu's lips giving Taehyun the reassuring looks.
'So he will be fine again right' Taehyun thought. Yeah that's what Beomgyu wants him to believe. There's no way he will ever let Taehyun see him in that state again.
'Now that you notice i can't let my guard down anymore. Let's pretend im okay now. Taehyun im okay now yeah? ' Beomgyu thought. A pain smile formed on his lips again. Pulling Taehyun into his arm and hug him. Taehyun felt so warm. Has hugs ever feel this warm? He never notice it until now.
"I will never leave you hyung" Taehyun said. Burying his face in Beomgyu's collarbone as he's shorter than him.