Chapter Text
It was a very dark night, colder than usual. Kaeya was wandering on the streets of Hamburg alone, trying to find the right place to consider what he should do next. These days weren't his best. Worried about his finances, love life, family, and friends, he just felt worse and worse every day. Lonely and hollow—like everything was falling apart, and he couldn't do anything about that. He wanted to try and find a way to fill the hole in his heart so many times.
Sometimes Kaeya drinks too much, thinking that it's an adequate way to dream about a different life somewhere else. He knows perfectly that it isn't a direction to forget anything because people like him can't forget. There's no possible path for him to choose from—it's only fate driving his life to places he hates the most. Maybe he should go on a trip? Find a new house? Runaway and make everyone think he is dead? The one thing he wants for sure is not to be a burden to the people he loves.
He likes smoking really strong cigarettes. When he coughed, he believed that he could actually feel something but quickly got used to them anyway. Everything felt too fast and annoyingly easy for Kaeya—like it didn't mean to be for him because the right way is always hard.
Kaeya stopped walking. The man covered his bare arms with his hands, and his body was shaking from the cold. He saw water under his feet and felt uneasy. The silent wind reminded him of his existence on this violent planet.
I made everything fall apart, he thought, it's my fault. Everything is always my fault.
There was a moment of realization that he forgot after a few seconds when the cool breeze touched his body once again. He knew it was wrong and that he shouldn't leave them all, but he couldn't stay either. There was no place for him in this huge world full of accidents and unhappiness. Whenever he felt like his life was stable, he reminded himself of how bad it truly was—like there was no point in living after all.
The long and cheerful nights with friends and alcohol, the sunsets, the songs he loved, and the movies he wanted to watch—it wasn't worth it for Kaeya because the world wasn't going to change after having these joyous moments. Completely meaningless.
"I am scared," he whispered to himself, trembling. "I want to be saved. I'm so pathetic."
He couldn't cry. Tears were empty for him after all these years of sorrow. Kaeya only waited for the right moment to move his feet over the edge, but he was too nervous. "What is going to happen to me?", "Will I really die?", "Am I going to be happy after doing that?"—were only a few of the questions wandering on his mind that evening. The darkness before him made him shiver.
"Or maybe not."
The unknown was always too much to take for him. It was the unknown of life and death that made him stay there. Kaeya felt like there was a thick fog in front of him. The smell of the lake stuck in his nose and throat. It was crushing him. The large lantern on his right side was sometimes flickering, living misfortune after every shadow. The cold from the metal railing pierced through his body.
The walks after him were slow. He didn't do anything—just waited for these light and concerned steps to stop right behind him. Police? A pedestrian? Someone from the car saw him?
He felt someone's gentle hand on his arm and didn't even try to shake it off. The feeling of warmth it left comforted him; he craved it more than anything at that moment. The breathing next to his ear was heavy and nervous. He knew that somebody behind him wanted to speak but was more concerned about his life than Kaeya himself really was.
That stranger's voice was soft and calming. So perfect…
"Sorry…" the man almost cried, trying to hold him firmly. "Can you go… Can you go over the railing? It would be helpful. Please. Please…" He whispered the last word a few more times, struggling to ease his mind.
When Kaeya saw the stranger, he seemed like he truly was saved. By an angel, even. The owner of this beautiful voice was prettier than he imagined. His red hair was brushed and pulled back in a ponytail. Scarlet eyes were full of tears, begging him to live. The tiny hand on his arm, striving to make him stay…
They sat on a wooden bench in front of a nearby church. The man who stopped him was still shaking, folding his hands for prayer, and closed his eyes. He sometimes murmured to himself in a language that Kaeya thought was Latin. Alberich could easily see that the stranger was wearing a cassock. It made him realize who he was actually talking to.
Kaeya could only hear the crickets somewhere near them.
"Father," he said after a while of silently staring at the stranger, "I will go now."
Their eyes met again. The priest placed his hands on his thighs and opened his mouth, shivering. Kaeya couldn't move. The feeling of making someone so worried and scared made him regret it even more. It was a moment, and he didn't even think before doing it. He wishes he hadn't done so many things in his past…
Kaeya is only twenty-six, graduated university, and his life is a journey full of wrong choices. The last thing he remembers before the priest took him at the back of the church was him crossing himself and looking at the sky, thanking God for "saving the man on the bridge".
They were in the sacristy, sitting in very comfortable chairs. Kaeya has never been to another place in church than where everyone always sits.
The priest wanted to speak but just realized that Kaeya has a medical eyepatch. He didn't know if he should look at Kaeya's eye or not and ended up wordlessly gazing at his face. He didn't want to disrespect him in any way. His life must have been tough anyway.
"What?" Kaeya chuckled. "Do I look like a pirate?"
"No!" he yelled, surprised. "Of course not! I'm sorry for staring at you."
Kaeya laughed at it and apologized for joking stupidly. He said that he didn't need to pay any attention to it.
The only light in the room was from two sconces on a white wall in front of them. Kaeya could see some objects used in masses and things that he didn't recognize. He isn't a religious person; since a very young age, he has considered himself an atheist. Being in church with a priest was the last thing he thought about doing that day. It was too abstract to understand at that moment.
"What happened?" the stranger asked first. He couldn't look at him from the embarrassment. "No, wait. My name is Diluc," he fixed his sentence choice. He realized that they didn't introduce themselves.
"I am Kaeya. Sorry that I'm bothering you, Father."
They shook hands, and both looked very much distressed about the whole situation.
"You aren't bothering me, no, no," he answered hurriedly. "Please, let me help you… Do you have a place to live? We might find you a room at the presbytery. Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you need money?"
Kaeya could easily hear the nervousness in his voice, and he knew that Diluc clearly cared about him. The bright light in his red eyes made him forget why he was there, and he let it embrace his restless mind.
"No, Father, I should go now. Thank you for everything. Truly."
"Is it really alright?" he asked. "I don't know… You can tell me about your problems if you need to. Of course, you can always go to the church any day, and you will find me there, okay? You can talk to God if you feel that way. I will close the church later…"
The right sconce blinked a few times. While Diluc was talking about God, he looked directly at Kaeya and seemed pretty serious. The smell of incense from today's masses was still somewhere in the air.
"To God?" Kaeya tried not to grin.
Diluc nodded and looked down at his polished black shoes. "To God," he repeated.
"I prefer talking to someone I can see."
"Oh…" Diluc was confused. He realized that he started blushing and tried to hide it with his ponytail.
"Sorry, I didn't…" he hesitated. "I just… I'm sorry. I shouldn't say that. I'm not the right person to be there. I only cause problems. Sorry, Father," he stood up. They both could hear the squeaking of the dark wooden floor.
"It's okay. You are right." Diluc tried to stop Kaeya from exiting the room and grabbed him by the material of his white shirt. "I'm just concerned about what you are going to do…"
Kaeya felt terrible. He hates it when people who don't even know him want to listen to him speaking about his life. It was like they expected full answers to everything. He despises it when strangers everywhere want to be "the ones who you can always talk to". In fact, the thing about talking to God didn't look that bad to him at that second.
"And what?" Kaeya finally burst into tears, "you think that God is going to help me? That it's your duty to help me? What do you really think, Father?"
Kaeya, more than anything, hates it when he can't control his words. He feels like he is always hurting everyone around him by just being near them. He yearns to disappear. The priest only wished to help, and he hurt him too.
Diluc immediately started looking for tissues in the drawers everywhere in the room. He was talking to himself, quietly saying "it's okay" over and over. Kaeya wanted to speak, but he couldn't stop sobbing while standing at the entrance of the door. He just tried to endure everything in front of the stranger, watching him being so nice to him. He didn't deserve it.
"Here, tissue…" Diluc said, giving the pack of them to him. "It's late. You can sleep at the presbytery. If you want, of course."
Kaeya wiped his eyes, and the priest grabbed his left hand to help him calm down. The soft "thank you" came from Alberich's mouth.
"Forgive me again, Father."
"You did nothing wrong, Kaeya," he said, stroking his hand. "Please, sit with me in the nave."
The priest turned on some of the lights. They sat on the first bench and looked at the altar of Saint Mary. Behind himself, Kaeya saw the impressive and rich pipe organs, about which shining silver he couldn't forget even when they walked out of the building. He was wondering how beautiful they must sound.
Kaeya always hated these stiff benches—everyone could hear you moving, and they were very uncomfortable. They hadn't renovated them in a long time, so their color wasn't pleasant. Most of the things there reminded him of his teenage years when his father forced him to attend masses every Sunday. It was making Alberich anxious, and he truly wanted to go but concluded that it's the best occasion to talk — the place he looked for was right there. He believed that he should explain everything to Diluc after worrying him.
Diluc changed the position of his feet. Kaeya perceived his sitting posture as uncomfortable but guessed that it was probably just a priest thing. The blue-haired coughed a few times. The cold breeze from the outside was still somewhere there, bothering him.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" The priest broke the silence.
"I don't know."
Their voices were easily heard in a room, echoing.
"I can give you food, water, a place to sleep, my time. And God is also there for you."
"God is also there for you."
"Father," Kaeya hesitated, "do you really think that God is waiting for me? That he wants to "talk"? Is he going to help me?" He couldn't believe any of his words. These sentences were like a mockery to him.
"You are here with me, Kaeya," he looked directly at him, smiling softly. "Isn't that already a miracle?"
His voice was sweet, his skin was pale, and his petite hands were smooth. Words coming from his mouth sounded like an angel's song. Yes, for Kaeya it was a miracle—meeting someone like Diluc was a hope for a new, better future for him.
Kaeya took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do anymore, Father. I have everything and nothing at the same time. My life is a never-ending nightmare. My family cares about me, I have a house, food, and a job. I know that it sounds weird. The only bad thing that happened to me today was breaking up. I don't understand my way of thinking. My life is terrible, but I have everything. Maybe that's the real problem here? Maybe it's the past reminding me of itself? The answers are somewhere there, but I can't reach them. I don't have the power to do that. I'm too weak."
Diluc put his hand on Kaeya's arm. He glanced at him and made sure that he was comfortable. The red-haired nodded his head to show him that he can tell him more. He wanted to indicate that he was there next to him.
"I—," Kaeya paused, "Father, I don't recognize myself. I can't find that part of me that would tell me what to do. I always do everything as an impulse. I hate it, and I'm disgusted with myself. Everything is always my fault. I should have ended it there... No, I'm sorry for saying that."
"Kaeya," he started calmly, "never say that again. Nothing is your fault. You are here, it's okay. You don't even know what a blessing it is to meet you. I'm grateful that you wanted to tell me how you feel."
Kaeya's eyes watered. Everything he heard from that man's mouth was like a gift from heaven. It wasn't anything special, and it didn't make Alberich forgive himself, but it made him want to see him again. He became addicted to this sound, and overdosing on it was his only goal now.
"It's a blessing to meet you too, Father Diluc."
"Don't you think that it is a beautiful thing that God connected us today?" he chuckled.
"It really is, Father."
The delicate smiles on their faces didn't fade even a bit that night.
Kaeya woke up in a room that the priest gave to him. It wasn't anything expensive. The walls were beige and had some brown and golden ornaments. There was a comfortable bed with white sheets, an oak table with tulips in a see-through vase, and a chair in the same color next to that table. There was also a small oak wardrobe. Beautiful paintings with the sea and lakes were decorating the walls. One Kaeya liked the most had a small wooden house near the lake, and the trees were everywhere. The huge window on the man's left side was in front of the doors and had yellow curtains. There wasn't anything else other than the entrance to the toilet because no one was living there.
The sun coming from behind the curtains left marks on the floor, sometimes changing places with the curtains moving.
Kaeya knew that he couldn't stay there any longer. He washed his face fastly and came out of the presbytery unnoticed. When he stopped at the gates of the church, he started thinking about how absurd last night was.
I should get a gift for him, Kaeya thought. Can they accept gifts? Is it legal? What if I say that I'm a friend? Maybe he had enough of me, and I should just go home? No, it would be plain rude…
"Oh, Kaeya!" he heard a familiar voice behind him. "I was looking for you! How are you? Are you okay? Do you want to attend a mass today?"
Kaeya couldn't concentrate on any of the questions he was attacked with and only murmured:
"Good morning, Father."
"Oh, yes, God bless you!"
There was a big smile on Diluc's face. He surely loved helping people. Kaeya thought that he was "one of the good priests". He reminded him of the sun at some point.
"Thank you again, Father. I'm really glad that you helped me there. How can I repay you?"
"Oh! I wanted you to ask me that!"
Kaeya squinted his eyes in concern, waiting for the priest to tell him more.
"Will you be at a mass today? We can sit together. Some other priest is going to conduct today's mass."
It wasn't a question that he expected. Maybe he should since it was coming from a priest. Kaeya wanted to see him again that day, so it was better for him. The idea of sitting next to the priest again was making him nervous because of a reason he didn't fully understand. And, of course, there is no harm in attending that mass. It was Sunday, and it was Alberich's free day.
The priest made Kaeya go for a walk with him. He started asking about his favorite types of tea and coffee. Sometimes about TV series and movies. He even asked for his phone number and started talking something about God again.
"I remember that you have a job," remarked Diluc, "what are you doing for a living?"
"Oh, I'm just working at the publishing house."
"You must certainly like books!" he chuckled, "I love reading. Do you have any favorite titles? Authors?"
Diluc seemed like he was genuinely interested, and Kaeya started to like it. He wanted to know more about such a strange priest like him too.
"It's not like I love books that much. I just wanted to make money, and my father worked in the industry. But I read and have some authors I like. You know, Masteron and stuff. Horrors are interesting."
"I see. I'm not really into horrors. Mystery and crime are more of my thing. Poetry is good too..."
"Yeah, poetry is nice," Kaeya muttered. He thought about asking one specific question and tried to make it less inappropriate in his mind. Talking most of the time was a hard thing for him. When he wants to joke, he always needs to think twice. Even when he speaks about something that's not important or silly, he is still nervous. "Father, can priests read erotica?" He grinned and scratched his neck.
Diluc laughed with his hand covering his mouth. "Well, maybe some of us do."
"Sorry for the stupid question."
"It's not stupid. You were just curious like everyone probably is. Abstention from sexual intercourse is required from us, and we can't get married. Of course, I don't know if there are priests who aren't obeying the first thing, but it happens. Some people leave the church to get married because they fell in love."
"Would you?" asked Kaeya. He felt his heart racing. "Would you leave the church to get married?"
"That's a hard question, Kaeya."
"Right..."
"You know, it's hard because I'm here. I chose God over all of this, and leaving it behind would be very hard. But I can't say that it's not possible. God has many plans for us. Just like our meeting."
"Just like our meeting."
"Thank you for answering, Father."
They were walking on the path near to the brick walls of the church's possession. It was a sunny day in contrast to the night they met on the bridge. Kaeya can still hear the waves under his feet and his breath becoming heavier, but the view is all gone. It was a new day like nothing really happened. The priest was wearing his cassock and beautiful rosary, and Kaeya was wearing his white shirt and black jeans—just like the day before. It was so much peaceful there than at Alberich's apartment.
Kaeya was living alone, but he always felt like his place was noisy. He couldn't bring himself to calm down his thoughts, and the things he was burdening himself with were crushing him one by one.
The mass was at twelve. Diluc guided Kaeya to their seats; it was the first bench again. There were mostly old ladies in the church, two families, and a few kids somewhere behind them. The nuns were standing next to the benches, sometimes helping some of the vicars.
The man heading to the pulpit was wearing a green chasuble with golden ornaments in the form of flowers. Alberich guessed that he was going to conduct the mass. The priest stood before them, and when Diluc saw him, he vigorously stood up, and his eyes sparkled. It was the first time when Kaeya saw him so happy. He felt jealous.
The strange priest had short, curly blue hair, red eyes, and had a scar on his face. He was way taller than Diluc. They seemed like they knew each other very well, and the red-haired priest definitely looked up to the other one.
"Oh, Father Dottore!" he said, and the man touched his head, stroking his hair, "God bless you! How are you today? I haven't seen you all morning. I was looking for you because I wanted to tell you something important."
They exchanged smiles, and Diluc looked like he completely forgot about Alberich being behind him. Dottore answered him, saying that he felt unwell when he woke up. The red-haired started asking more and more questions, very energetically and way happier than an hour before with Kaeya.
Dottore changed his focus on the shortest priest's guest. He eyed him from head to toe. The man resembled a very judgmental person, especially by how harsh he looked at Kaeya. They both realized that they weren't going to like one another.
"I haven't seen you there before," said the man. He put his arm around Diluc, which made the red-haired instantly blush. Kaeya crossed his arms and tried not to laugh at how overprotective he looked. "I can see that Father Diluc made a new friend when I wasn't around. What's your name, then?"
"Kaeya Alberich, sir," he said, "and you?"
Fuck, thought Kaeya, did I disrespect him by calling him "sir"? God knows... I hope so, of course. And I hope that Father Diluc hasn't noticed that. That guy is weird. He shouldn't put his hands on everything like that. What a prick. Why am I even envious?
"To you—Father Dottore, my dear Kaeya Alberich."
Dottore exchanged smiles with Diluc one more time and went to the pulpit. The mass started, and the only thing which Kaeya could focus on was the pipe organs playing behind him. He knew that they sounded the same everywhere, but it was too enchanting for him. The red-haired priest was sitting next to him, and they were sometimes catching eye contact.
When Kaeya touched his knee with Diluc's, he felt butterflies in his stomach. The priest was the first to immediately whisper an apology to him as if something really big happened.
Through the whole mass, Kaeya was copying Diluc's moves. When he crossed himself, Kaeya did the same. When Diluc kneeled—he kneeled too. Alberich remembered some of the things from his past, but it wasn't enough. He only knew that he couldn't take the Eucharist because he wasn't given absolution yet.
Kaeya waited for Diluc to come back. He rested his elbow on the arm of the bench and observed him carefully. Watching him kneeling before the priest who conducted the mass and seeing him almost eating from his hand made him awkward. He felt bad about seeing a priest "that" way, and he didn't even understand why he was that jealous of him. At some point, Alberich thought of him as his friend and a savior now.
When it all ended, Diluc quickly went to the sacristy and told Kaeya to wait for him. He probably wanted to talk with Dottore about the "important" stuff.
Kaeya came out of the church and sat on its stairs. They were cold and looked like they were made out of marble. Every church he saw always looked wealthy and majestic, and this one was no exception. He was wondering how expensive it was and who built it.
He had a pack of cigarillos in his jeans—the berry ones. When he put his hand on the lighter, he heard someone's sweet voice:
"What are you doing?" said the nun standing before him. She had blue eyes and pale skin and had a broom in her hands. "You shouldn't smoke!"
She stared at him, concerned, and Kaeya only smirked. "Why not?" he asked her, standing up. He was ready to leave the church's property if that was the reason.
"Smoking is unhealthy, and you can also hurt someone by secondhand smoking! It's a sin!" she looked genuinely worried.
What a joke, he thought.
Before he answered her, Kaeya saw Diluc walking down the stairs and immediately headed to him too, leaving the woman. The priest heard some of the words they exchanged and immediately started walking faster.
"What's happening, Kaeya?" asked Diluc, tilting his head.
"Oh, nothing, really."
Kaeya hid the pack behind his back, grinned, and started talking about a place they should go to.
"He is smoking cigarettes, Father Diluc!" yelled the nun behind them.
"Cigarillos," corrected Alberich, "is that a problem?"
"Kaeya..." the priest rubbed his temples, "you shouldn't smoke."
"Is it really a sin? Oh my..."
"I'm glad that you didn't end your sentence," said the nun. She held the broom close to her body and seemed more annoyed than before.
Diluc smirked at them. Kaeya was wondering if he is always that happy and ready to help anyone.
"Sister Barbara, please, let me introduce Kaeya to you," gestured Diluc with his right hand, "Kaeya, this is sister Barbara."
Barbara eyed him and stuck her hand out after a second of thinking. They shook their hands, which Diluc concluded by saying "very good." She was curious about how they met, so they talked for a minute, and then Kaeya could finally spend some time alone with the priest—just like he wanted.
"Where do you want to take me to?" the red-haired asked.
"Anywhere. Let's just find a quiet place."
Kaeya thought it was best to relax in a spot where no one would see them, so he finally sat somewhere on the rock behind the bushes and the trees. The church's property was big, so it was easy to be alone. Diluc wasn't sure about staying there, but lastly, Kaeya convinced him to sit together. There were some mosquitos and bugs, but Kaeya was warding them off.
He again took out the pack of cigarillos, took one of them to himself, and gave it opened to the priest, telling him to take one.
"Kaeya, you know I shouldn't..."
"I can see that you want one. Come on, sin or not, you will just go to the confessional, and it will be okay. I can buy normal cigarettes if you want, too. No one will see you there."
Diluc was glancing, sometimes at the pack, sometimes at Kaeya. He looked worried, but it seemed fun for him. He was young, and he knew that there are worse people than him in this profession. God will definitely forgive him.
Kaeya lit one cigarillo and told Diluc to put it in his mouth. The other one he put in his own mouth and got closer to Diluc with it to light it from his cigarillo. They made eye contact and were so close to each other that they forgot about the cigarillos between them.
Kaeya wanted to focus on lighting the other cigarillo but was constantly looking back at the priest, staring at his embarrassed and red face. Alberich finally sat straight but didn't look back. He was watching the other man struggling with smoking.
"First time, dear Father?" Kaeya chuckled, shaking off the ash.
"Well, yes..."
"Take it easy," he said, getting closer to him, "look at me."
Diluc tried to do it the same as Kaeya, but he was always beginning to cough and just decided not to inhale the smoke like him. They spent a few more minutes there, sitting in silence, sometimes laughing and awkwardly looking at each other.
"Who is Dottore?" asked Kaeya, exhaling a cloud of smoke from his second cigarillo that Diluc wasn't really happy about.
"Me and Father Dottore were studying at the same university. Well, it was his second university. He is a few years older. He wanted to become a doctor but changed his mind."
The priest was looking at the ground, making a hole in it with his shoes.
"Why did he do that?" Kaeya was surprised. "It's weird. He wanted to become a doctor and decided that being a priest is better? No one would do that."
"Father Dottore is a specific person. Some things happened. I don't really know if I can talk about it."
"I see."
"Please, be nice to him. He is not a bad person. Okay?"
Was there a thing Kaeya couldn't do for his savior?
"Sure thing."