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twenty-one
Akito sees her reflection in front of the mirror. The plains of her skin, pale and alabaster– no blemish to be seen. She notices the ripples of bones on her torso. The breasts on her chest. Naked, she sees herself for who she is.
Regardless of what Ren has told her and what she’s grown accustomed to, here she is, a woman.
In front of her, a set of clothes she did not think she could wear in her life. She has only seen them worn in the women of her household. Upon looking at it, it was hard to feel nothing but disgust.
A white women’s blouse and a long plaid skirt taunted her.
She could feel the bile in her throat. Akito felt ill. The garments were nothing but expensive. She reached down to touch the silk of the blouse, soft to the touch. They were beautiful. What disgusted her was the thought of wearing it. Akito specifically wearing a skirt.
She swallowed down and began to dress. Akito was expected soon in council with the elders in the Sohma family. The curse was gone, but her responsibilities as head of the family did not disappear with it.
Decidedly, she fastened the skirt around her hips. The plaid skirt flowed gently on her legs. It was new. It was unfamiliar, and Akito did not know how to feel about this change.
It had been three weeks since she’d revealed herself to the jyuunishi. It has been three weeks since, but she still could not grasp the meaning of becoming Akito, the woman.
She had spent her life becoming a man, that she did not know anything about being a woman.
Shigure, who frequently visits her, reminded her that she had time to figure it out.
“I have time,” She murmurs as she looks again into the reflection in the mirror. Her in a clip, a blouse, and a skirt.
While she did not completely feel comfortable, it was a start to finding herself once more.
---
Akito laughs.
It’s so easy to do these days. To laugh and smile. To have fun. It’s so easy.
Once, when Shigure had slipped onto the koi pond near their home and she had laughed her heart out at her husband’s clumsiness.
Shigure then had laughed as well. Akito had extended a hand to help him out but in turn pulled her in as well.
He had said, “Did I ever tell you I love your laugh?”
Akito had hidden her face, “No one has ever told me they love my laugh.”
She didn’t want to say, the years have been so drowned with sadness and loneliness that I have forgotten that I even can, but it’s a near thing.
---
twenty-three
She does know who to talk to about this. She does not have many people to talk to. The only people she can call friends are Honda Tohru and Hanajima Saki, all of which she feels that her issues would be trivial.
One particular afternoon in spring when the snow has melted. Ayame visits the house that she shares with Shigure (it is an exhilarating thought, to be able to share a house with someone who loves her). Ayame only sends his respects to her as she is still head of the family, but there is little to be had for a conversation between them.
Ayame asks, “Is Shigure in, Akito-san?”
“You may find him in the office.” Is what she offers to him, “Would you like me to send someone for tea for both of you?”
“That would be most kind.”
---
She can hear Shigure’s laughs as Ayame has undoubtedly made another crude joke as she passes the doors that lead to the office to get to the kitchen. She is glad that Shigure seems to be enjoying himself here.
Before she had worries that Shigure would want to leave and go back to the house nestled in the mountains but hearing Shigure like this, her worries have significantly subsided.
On her way to the kitchen, she stumbles upon a woman in a beautiful ruffled dress. Glasses are framed on her face caked in light shimmering make-up. Her lips are pink and plump, eyelashes are beautiful flutter-like butterfly wings. Akito can only look in awe at the woman in front of her. The woman is being led by another servant of her house. The servant bows in greeting and respectfully says, “Akito-sama.”
The woman bows as well, “Akito-sama, hello.”
“Hello,” She says in lieu of an introduction.
Her companion explains the woman’s presence, “She is here to look for Ayame-sama.”
“Ah,” The woman laughs softly, “I hope you do not mind; I came to pick him up for work. We are behind, you see.”
“Behind?” Akito asks, interested. While she particularly didn’t care before what Ayame did–quite frankly she found his babbling a nuisance sometimes, the gods know how Hatori managed between Shigure and Ayame in their youth (even dealing with the troubles her past self has caused), she found that she didn’t really know what Ayame did for a living.
Last Akito had heard, he was running a quaint little clothing store in town.
The woman in front of her nods, “Oh, where are my manners, my name is Kuramae Mine, I am Ayame-san’s assistant.”
“Nice to meet you, Kuramae-san,” Akito nods her head and pays respect as well.
The woman–Kuramae Mine, she adds mentally, shakes her head.
“Please, call me Mine instead. ‘Kuramae’ sounds way too stiff.” Mine chuckles, “You are Sohma Akito-san, correct? Ayame-san has told me much about you.”
She can only guess what Ayame had told her. To stay out of her way, how cruel she was–is, how undeserving she is.
“He tells me that you have the most beautiful ebony hair that he has ever seen. That your complexion is clear of any blemish. Sometimes he exaggerates but what I see from here, is true.” Mine smiles at her.
Akito is left flabbergasted. It was not what she was expecting if she were being truthful. She was ready for a few choice words with a knife laced in them. She expects the whole world to swallow her whole, and she has made peace with that. She was expecting disdain and disapproval, not this, whatever it was.
Not a few seconds later the doors open, and voices tumble out. She can make out the timbre of Shigure’s voice mixed with the melodies that one could attribute to Ayame. They are walking down getting closer to both Akito and Mine.
Upon seeing Mine, Ayame shouts, “Ah! My lovely Mine! You are here!”
Akito shuffles to the side to avoid Ayame’s body.
Shigure strides next to her, his arm around her shoulder, he grins and places a kiss on her cheek. “Hello, Akki.”
Akito’s cheeks heat up at the sudden display of affection. That damned dog. She thought silently and embarrassed.
“I see you have met Mine,” Shigure comments loud enough that Mine can hear and the woman, in turn, nods her head in enthusiasm.
“Yes, I was about to fetch Ayame-san when I happen to run into Akito-sama.”
“Akito,” She corrects, “Akito is just fine.”
Akito can see the way that Ayame’s eyes widen mirrored with Mine’s.
“Akito.” Mine settles, “What a beautiful name.”
Beautiful was never a word she has attributed to herself. So many times she has been god, monster, heartless. She, for as long as she has lived, has never been called beautiful other than Shigure.
Blushing she buries her head into Shigure’s frame while the other man chuckles delight, “Isn’t she? I always tell her but my lovely Akito will not believe me.”
That’s how Kuramae Mine becomes a friend.
---
twenty-five
Akito is inside Ayame’s store.
For the past two years, she has been admittedly trying to escape a visit to Ayame’s store. Akito’s always cited that she has immediate family business to deal with whenever Mine asks her to come.
Really, she didn’t want to visit because that was Ayame’s space. It’s a space for him and she didn’t want to contaminate it with her presence. That was something that she had come to realise in the years after the curse broke.
She could apologise for what she did, but she could never take back her actions. The things that she had done are inexcusable. She didn’t hold her victims accountable to forgive her. This was the best thing that she could do for them to heal. She could stay away from them.
She has acknowledged that the healing process of her victims does not need to include her and her meaningless presence.
But Mine had been insistent.
Today, the entire clothing store had been booked off, even to Ayame. It was just her and Mine.
Shigure had dropped her off giving her a kiss on the forehead before he drove off.
“Have fun.” His parting words were, but to Akito it seemed useless really. She wasn’t one for clothes. In the years she has started wearing women’s clothes, she has started to become more comfortable with long skirts and cotton blouses, but dresses with straps or heavily printed clothes were out of the question for her.
She sighs.
It’s all about trying new things. She reprimands herself. You are free to do what you would like. You are allowed to be happy.
The bell chimes as soon as she opens it.
“Akki!” Mine enthusiastically greets her.
“Mine,” She smiles, “Hello.”
“Oh, none of that!” Mine wraps her arms around hers and leads the way in, “How is everything?”
Honestly, “It’s been well, Mine. Thank you for asking. How are you?”
Mine beams. Akito marvels at the way Mine lights up. She’s beautiful. With the way she smiles, the way she laughs, her hair.
Growing up, it wasn’t disgust that Akito felt when she saw the women of the jyuunishi. It was envy. Envy of being able to wear what they wanted, the envy of being able to be a woman when she herself couldn’t.
“I wish I was more like you, Mine.” She doesn’t mean to voice it out loud. She doesn’t mean to think that at all, but it still comes out.
Mine looks flabbergasted. Gods, Akito is so terrible at this.
Then Mine, “Is that so?”
Seeing as though there is no way she can take back what she had said, Akito replies, “I wish I was more womanly, just like you. I wish I was brave enough to wear what you wear. To grow my hair.”
Mine lets go of her arm and stands in front of her. Gently, Mine cups her face with her hands, they’re soft. This close, she can smell the sweet scent of her perfume, candy apples and cinnamon “Can I tell you a secret?”
Akito tilts her head curious, “Yes?”
Mine smiles, “There’s no right or wrong to becoming a woman Akki. I think that you should be able to wear what is most comfortable without thinking. There’s no rhyme to it. You wear what you like!
“If you would like a skirt, then so be it, if you would like to wear pants, then do so. That is the beauty in clothes, Akki. It makes you want to express yourself.”
Akito stares at Mine.
This is what it means to have love in your life.
It is liberating and free.
Akito can count the number of people that truly care for her with her fingers.
Mine is one of them.
---
thirty-three
They were both naked, their legs entangled with each other. Shigure’s arms wrapped around her body. She could feel his steady breaths on the nape of her neck. She opens her eyes to the feeling of being ill.
The bile rising up to her throat, she disentangles herself from Shigure’s octopus-like arms and makes haste towards the bathroom where she promptly sits on the tiles and empties out her stomach into the toilet.
Akito heaves until her stomach is empty. She didn’t notice the presence of her husband next to her, rubbing small circles on her back.
“Akki,” He says gently, “Are you sick?”
She thinks she might be. “I think it might be because of the weather. You know how I get once the weather drops.”
“Maybe go visit Hari?” Shigure suggests, “You look clammy.”
“Gee, thanks.” Akito rolls her eyes and as if on cue she feels a wave of nausea go over her. She dry heaves for a couple of seconds before groaning, “Yeah, okay, I’ll visit Hatori.”
Shigure nods and smiles. He goes out of the bathroom, Akito can hear a rustle in their room and Shigure is back with a loose haori. He lifts Akito’s arms and slips the sleeves in.
“You are so beautiful, my wife,” Shigure says before he kisses the top of her forehead.
“Beautiful he says as I retch my guts into the toilet.”
“Always beautiful Akito-sama.”
---
There were no more episodes after that morning. Although, Akito has to note that she has begun to feel hot flashes. Her body is in constant discomfort. She doesn’t want to bother Hatori if it’s just one of her episodes due to the weather. He needs none of that. Akito is a grown woman and she can take care of herself.
She is in her office, signing papers for the council. She notes on her calendar a date where she would have to meet with an investor. Then she realises something.
She hasn’t bled for three months now.
She has always been irregular with her cycles. She’s had spotting in the past, but her cycles have never skipped for as long as three months.
There is a sense of foreboding gnawing in the pit of her stomach. She unconsciously reaches out to feel the flat surface of her belly.
She swallows tensely and stands up.
Akito leaves her office in a flurry, hurryingly walking towards the entrance where she asks her driver to take her to the nearest pharmacy.
She needs to make sure.
---
Five pregnancy tests later and a mental breakdown in the bathroom, she feels thankful that Shigure is not home.
All five are positive.
There is a bottle of shampoo on the floor resting next to the soap. The mirror is shattered from her throwing the bottle.
Akito Sohma is pregnant.
She is pregnant and she has no idea what to do next.
---
Shigure finds her amidst the shattered mirror and the mess in the bathroom. He doesn’t question, he’s known to navigate around her temperaments being married to her, being in love with her for so long.
What he does instead is to sit next to her.
Akito’s arms are clutching around her legs, her knees pressed to her chest, her stomach folded. She’s in denial at the whole ordeal.
The tests are littered everywhere for Shigure.
The truth laid bare, just like her.
There are times where– in a bout of self-pity and self-deprecation that Akito thinks that Shigure will think that she is not worth the effort of loving. That Shigure only loves her out of a twisted makeshift bond or a duty to the no-good god that she is, she was. She thinks, if Shigure were to leave her, then she would swallow down the heartbreak and the pain. It is her compensation, her karma, for all the things that she has done in her life; for all the lives that she has broken, and for all the people that she has hurt.
Years pass and Shigure does none of this. What he does is; he keeps loving her.
He keeps whispering sweet nothings to her. Like the poet that he is, he whispers promises in when the dawn arrives. He voices his love for her in the way that he kisses the plains of her skin.
I love Akki like she is the sun which is sure to rise every day. I will love Akki even in the days where the skies are grey, when she thinks a storm.
“I will love Akki even in the skies are grey, when she thinks a storm.” Shigure is sat next to her, he is there, barely touching. It is enough. A mantra now to remind her that Shigure is here and he will not leave.
Akito can’t help but voice, “What do I do?”
Akito finds herself helpless at this point. There is a human forming inside her, the thought alone scares her more than it should.
All her life, all she has done is hurt and damage.
She is terrified.
“It’s up to you Akito,” Shigure says in a low voice, “If you do not want this child, then it’s up to you.”
She thinks for a moment, does she want this child?
Akito is indecisive.
“It is your body and you can choose how to live. You are free to choose Akito.”
---
Akito sits recluse in Hatori’s office. Her hands are folded on her lap and she is biting her lip. She sees Hatori’s worried eyes but only waits patiently for her to start talking.
“Are you feeling ill Akito?” He inquires and stethoscopes ready.
“Hatori,” She starts and gazes down to her still flat stomach, “How did you feel when you found out that you were going to be a parent?”
Akito watches as Hatori perks up from his seat.
Hatori stays silent as Akito’s vision blurs. Her eyes are so hot, her throat feels like a hand is lodged in it. She wants to hurl, the bile rising up on her throat. The dread and sickness settling deep in her stomach.
“I’m so scared Hatori.” She whispers, she pinches her fingernails one by one. Something to keep her calm, “When I found out, I was alone. Just me and this.”
Akito points to her stomach, “Then I reached over to throw a bottle at the mirror. I wanted it gone. I wanted it away.”
“Akito,” Hatori reaches out to hold her hand.
“I could've done it. Oh gods, it would have been so easy. But then,” She looks up to see Hatori, “But then I thought, it would be so nice to care for someone. To love someone. This person, inside me, they’re a part of Shigure and myself.
“I don’t love myself Hatori. I know I don’t deserve this. A scum of the Earth like me doesn’t get to have beautiful things like love and a family.”
There are more tears, Akito has always been an ugly crier. She sobs like a child with a tantrum, that’s one of many things she hates about herself. She heaves for a breath, one, two, three.
“But I want them!” She shouts.
Akito cries and cries until she’s exhausted and out of breath. She cries like a newborn, wailing.
Through it all, the only thing that Hatori says is, “You are allowed to have beautiful things too, Akito.”
---
Much later, Hatori is able to persuade her to go to the clinic to take some blood tests.
“Just to make sure,” Hatori reassures.
She nods, her heart sinking down to her stomach. Akito feels like crying again. Of course, she wouldn’t be trusted with her own baby.
It feels so surreal to say it even if it’s just her mind for now. She’s pregnant. There’s a baby inside of her.
“I won’t do anything.” Akito says out loud, “I haven’t been drinking either.”
It sounds pathetic coming out from her own mouth. Like she has anything to prove. Akito is nothing but a speck of dust to the other Sohmas. She’s no longer god. All this, she knows, she deserves. There’s no need to defend herself from, all the blows are warranted.
“I’m not worried about that Akito,” Hatori kneels in front of where she’s sitting, he meets her eyes. It feels like he’s speaking to a child, explaining, “Akito, you’ve always had a frail body. You know that extraneous activities will get you sick, what more that you are with child now?”
Hatori continues, “Akito, for you to have this child, you must be at your healthiest. And that is what I am here for. I have an oath as a physician and that is to keep you healthy. I will do my best to support you in this time, do you understand?”
Hatori ruffles her hair.
“Congratulations, Akito, I’m happy for you.”
In spite of everything, she gets to have this.
---
thirty-three ( 21 weeks and three days)
Shigure and Akito decide that they will only be telling their closest friends and family about her pregnancy.
Decidedly, she tells Tohru first who has just come into town with her own husband and a young toddler in tow; then Tohru tells Saki, who then tells Mine.
Upon hearing the news of her pregnancy, her friends Saki and Tohru come to visit. It was truly an unexpected sight to behold when she welcomes the two of them in her home.
“Akki!” Tohru hugs her as a greeting. She leans into the warmth of her very first friend, “How I have missed you!”
Tohru smells like fresh spring flowers, familiar, and safe. She feels warm and full of love. How Akito loves her so as well.
“Akki,” Saki greets joining their hug. Akito is filled with warmth all over, and she feels the tears once again.
The hormones are really getting to her.
When they pull out of their group hug, the two of them hold onto a hand each inspecting her from head to toe.
“Let’s see you!” Tohru as enthusiastic as ever.
Saki is smiling as well waiting patiently.
She sighs but Akito can feel her lips curving up into a shy smile. Akito looks down. She’s far along enough that she’s starting to show, but her loose clothes have drowned her stomach out. It’s still easy to ‘pass’, but her knees, as well as her back, have become sore.
“They’re pretty small,” Akito cups her lower stomach.
“Are you excited?” Saki asks.
Akito has to think about how she can express what she’s feeling in the best way possible. She says truthfully, “I’m terrified Saki, but I want to meet them soon.”
The mood shifts to a more sombre tone. Her mind begins a war with her, see you shouldn’t have said anything! It yells at her, look what you’ve done.
Tohru always surprises her with her infinite patience and kindness only says, “Thank you for being truthful with us Akito-san.”
Her friends help her sit down on the tatami mats while they situated themselves around her. Tohru holds her hand in a sign of support, “Akito-san, I will always be here for you.”
Her first friend.
Always here for her.
Who would have thought? Her, Akito Sohma, having friends.
This gives her the courage to tell Tohru everything.
She tells her how terrified she was when she first found out that she was pregnant. How in the days to come after she knew, she had to think long and hard about what she had wanted for herself as well as what her child needed from her.
That’s when she had made the decision, “For the first time Tohru, someone needed me. Not because of a damned curse.”
Her child had needed her, and she wanted this child in return.
“But I’m so scared at what might happen next,” Akito tightens her fingers around Tohru’s, “I’m not a good person Tohru.”
Tohru stays silent for a while. Her eyebrows are furrowed, she’s fishing for the right words to say, Akito knows this.
Akito looks at her, “I don’t know anything of the world. What if I– What if I mess up?”
Tohru smiles bright and just like that, Akito darkness ebbs away slowly, “When I first found out about Hajime-kun, I was terrified too!”
“You?” Akito could not believe it at all. Brave Tohru? Terrified? Out of the people she knows, it’s been set in stone that Tohru Honda is the best of them all. The best of women, the best of mothers, the best person. Akito knows that many people hold Tohru in great esteem. To hear this? Tohru being afraid of being a mother of all things?
“Of course!” Tohru leads her down to sit at one of the cushions, Saki leaves, sliding the doors close, “I was so scared that I couldn’t amount to a mother like my own! She’s the best you know?”
Akito knows of course. Of Kyoko Honda. The story of a brave woman raising an equally as brave of a daughter. Akito only regrets that she didn’t get to meet the woman whose praises are sung.
Akito can only nod in agreement.
“But then,” Tohru has a fond look on her face as she holds Akito’s hand. She pressing on Akito’s fingers in a calming gesture. Akito can feel herself exhale, “Kyo-kun reminded me, oh you know how he gets sometimes, he’s so cute when he furrows his brows.”
Akito laughs at that. Even if Kyo never visits often in the main estate– Akito has made peace with this, the healing of her victims should not involve her, it is their freedom to visit or not, she has seen him a handful of times to know which expression it is.
“He reminded me that I only ever needed to be myself.” Tohru looks at her, she leans in and her forehead is touching hers, “You only need to be yourself Akito-san.”
Akito stares for a moment, then her throat feels tight, suddenly her vision blurs and she’s crying. A steady stream of tears flowing down without any indication of stopping.
It’s okay right? she asks herself. It’s okay to become my own person. It’s okay to just be Akito.
Saki comes back with a tray of tea and snacks a few moments later, trust her to be so at home. Akito muses at the thought.
Akito is thirty-three and she is still surrounded with love that she can hardly fit it in her heart.
---
thirty-three (34 weeks and 5 days)
She should have expected this sooner or later.
Her mother bombards her while she’s walking down the halls of the main house by herself.
Ren Sohma’s hair spills like ink. It shines in the sun, black like an oil spill in the sea. When Akito was younger she had tried to touch her mother’s hair. Akito thinks she was around three then. She was curious to see who her mother was. To know more about her.
Shigure had come by with children’s books. He had read to her about mothers who cared for their children, who tucked their children in their beds with a kiss goodnight, and a promise of a brighter tomorrow.
When she was three, she had thought of mothers like those in her storybooks were fiction. Ren certainly never tucked her in her futon, nor did she kiss her goodnight. She was more like a wraith her shiny black hair trailing behind her.
She found Ren sitting in the garden, her back turned. Like in the storybooks, she ran towards her mother and tugged on her hair. She expected smiles and a warm welcome.
That did not come.
Akito is thirty-three now and thirty-four weeks pregnant and her mother pulls on her hair, hard.
Ren’s longs nails dig into her scalp. Akito’s heart is beating in rapid succession. Oh, gods above. It hurts. All she can do is to let it happen, she wraps her arms around the swell of her stomach.
“You whore,” Her mother spits in disgust. Her nails dig further and further as she tried to drag Akito on the wooden floor, “You should grovel where you stand.”
Akito can’t even focus on the pain. All she can think of right now is to protect her unborn child. She prays and prays and prays as her mother tugs and tugs and tugs. She is dragged across the floor, Akito can feel her knees begin to blister from the friction.
“You think this is over?” Ren yells, her voice hoarse like the sound of nails against a chalkboard, “You think this is all over now that you have a devil spawn of your own?”
Then a hand lets go from her scalp and there’s a smarting pain across her cheek. She tastes iron in her mouth, but for the life of her, she can’t think of the pain.
“This will never be over, you absolute trash,” Ren squeezes her cheeks with her hand, her red long nails digging into her skin, “I should kill you where you stand.”
Akito shakes her head to get out of her mother’s grasp but Ren’s grip on her hair makes it almost impossible. She can’t even kick, her legs are swollen and heavy. It’s so hopeless, all Akito can do is to pray that someone will take notice and pray for her own child.
Please, she pleads, Please, I know I have no redeeming qualities, but please save my child.
She doesn’t really believe any gods (because look how she turned out), but if there was a divine power out there, let it all be used to protect her child.
Then, nothing.
The tugging is gone. She crumples on the floor gasping, eyes closed.
There are yelling voices all around her.
Akito flinches at a touch, so different to Ren’s clammy cold hands. This one was warm.
“Akito.”
Oh. It’s Haru. Her mind supplies dumbly.
She keeps her eyes closed. She doesn’t want to see what’s in front of her. A childish thing really. Like closing your eyes will take all the pain away.
The yelling and footsteps fade.
“Akito,” Haru coaxes gently, “Open your eyes. It’s okay.”
Slowly but surely she opens her eyes, she blinks away the tears that have formed. Her heart has yet to settle. She can taste the iron in her mouth. Her cheeks sting. But her eyes land on Hatsuharu.
“Sensei and Hatori-nii are coming,” Is all Haru says in lieu of a hello.
Haru gather’s her into his arms and lifts her. They don’t go too far, just close enough to settle her back on the wall.
All Akito can do is stare as Haru extends her legs. One of the maids has come with a white box.
Akito cries.
“Who would have thought,” Haru says dabbing the copper-coloured antiseptic on her scratched knees, “Akito Sohma a mother.”
Akito laughs despite the heavy feeling in her chest, “I know. It’s unbelievable.”
“Not exactly,” Haru replies unwrapping the paper with gauze inside, “I just didn’t think you would stay with sensei long enough to have his kid. We all know he’s a sneaky dog.”
Strangely enough, that makes Akito feel better.
“Someone’s got to love an old dog.”
There’s a silence that settles between them while Haru cleans her knees.
“I’m sorry.” Is all she can offer.
“No need.”
But there is, her mother is right, no amount of grovelling on the ground will make it right. She can apologise all she wants but it doesn’t erase what she’s done.
“Do you know if they’re a boy or a girl?”
“A boy,” Akito replies stroking her stomach.
“Nice.” Haru finishes up taping Akito’s knees, “Then Sora and Riku will have a little cousin to play with.”
Akito is left winded with that, “What?”
“What?” Haru questions back, “Did I say something wrong?”
Akito shakes her head, “No, but you’ll do that? You’ll let my kid play with yours?”
Haru shrugs nonchalantly, “Why not?”
“Why though? After all that I’ve done? You’d let my kid play with yours? What if—” What if they hurt your children? What if they repeat the same mistakes that I have?
Haru moves to face her. Their eyes meeting. Haru ruffles her hair. It’s so different from her mother’s touch.
“Here’s the thing Akito,” Haru starts, his voice low and soft, just above a whisper, “We’re not our parents. Our children do not have to carry the burdens that we carry.”
Whoever said that the ox was the most foolish of them all?
“Our kids can start anew, let them form their own bonds.”
---
thirty-three (thirty-eight weeks and four days)
Following the incident with Ren, Shigure takes Akito to the summer estate. Akito tries to tell Shigure that it’s too much, that taking Akito to his own residence would have been sufficient distance from Ren, but Shigure was adamant.
“I don’t want her coming close to you.” Shigure had said as he traced over the healing scratches on her cheek, “Or our boy.”
Shigure is out at the post office today. He’s mailing his newest manuscript penned in a different name of course. A decent one this time around, Akito has had the privilege of reading her husband’s many literary explorations. She thoroughly enjoys his poetic writing but turns a cheek on his more vulgar ones.
(Shigure’s love for Akito may encompass him, but he would never really truly forget his first love, novels.)
This time around, it’s a fantasy novel centered around a heroine whose life has had many twists and turns, but nevertheless conquers all.
(“Taking notes from experience?” Once Akito had finished reading it, Sayuri is very reminiscent of one of their closest friends.
“Oh,” Shigure shrugs, “Life makes an example of you, my dear, it’s my job as an artiste to weave words together.”
Akito scoffs, “You’d better give Kyo and Tohru their cuts for using them as reference.”
Shigure hugs her tightly cuddling in her arms and resting his head on her watermelon-sized belly, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them, and I’ve got to make money somehow. I can’t let my wife do all the work.”
What dramatics. They have no need for so much money.)
She hears the sound of the doorbell ringing. Weird, she wasn’t expecting anyone.
Akito waddles to the front door, at this point of her pregnancy, she can barely see past her belly, let alone walk straight.
When she opens the door, she does not expect to see Momiji, Kisa, and Hiro.
The two boys (they will forever be boys to her no matter how they age) tower over her in shorts and a simple tank top. While Kisa is smiling with her pretty yellow sunflower dress and straw hat.
“Akito!” Momiji greets, “Wow, look at the sight of you!”
Kisa is reluctant to greet her with the same enthusiasm that Momiji does, but nevertheless, she looks happy, healthy. Hiro is the same, he has a small blush on his cheeks, averting his eyes from her stature completely.
“You’re so big now!” Momiji beams as he hugs her, “The last time I saw you, I had to ask Hari if the news was true.”
Akito laughs at this, decidedly, her child had not manifested his size until she was seven months in.
Momiji with all his energy twirls her around. She has to be careful with how she balances, the boy laughs brilliantly at her pathetic excuse for a twirl.
“Ah!” Shigure peeks out from one of the rooms, “I was wondering what ruckus I was hearing. Lo and behold!”
“Shi-chan!” Momiji exclaims as he runs over to her husband.
She watches fondly as Momiji talks about certain books he’s read recently with her husband. Then with a startling realisation, she remembers Kisa and Hiro.
She glances back at the two, Kisa is smiling at her while Hiro is fidgeting with his fingers.
“Let’s go in, shall we?” She says in invitation. The two startle for a second before removing their shoes. They stalk forward as Akito gestures for them to follow her. She makes her way to Shigure and Momiji who are at the end of the hall.
“I’ll make us something to snack on,” Akito announces.
“What no!” Momiji cries horrified, “No way! We’re the one intruding, and we can’t possibly make a pregnant woman wait on us.”
“I’m pregnant, not invalid,” Akito says nonchalantly heading towards the kitchen.
“No, no,” Kisa’s voice speaks out, “We’ll do it Akito-san, please sit and relax.”
She heads them no attention, they will not make her sit. She has been sitting for the most part of this trip. There’s really no need to fuss. Her husband looks as if he’s about to complain, his mouth opening complete with a finger up as if he could ever nag her. Akito sends him a look herself and immediately his lips close.
Little victories.
As she walks there’s the sound of another set of footsteps that walk alongside her.
Akito glances to her right, and sure enough, Kisa is there.
“Let’s go?”
---
thirty-three (thirty-nine weeks and one day)
Akito’s stomach is the size of a watermelon.
She can barely see anything past her stomach.
She hasn’t had the luxury of tying her own shoes.
Her hair is a mess.
She has stretchmarks.
Akito’s back is so sore that she can’t even sleep at night.
She cries all the damn time.
Through it all, Shigure is there.
It’s as if Akito is a god once more. He sings her praises. He sings songs of adoration.
“My Akki, my beautiful Akki,” He sing songs as he massages her sore feet.
“My love,” Shigure says as he kisses the marks that map on her stomach.
And in the days where she thinks of storms. When there are squalls, when there is nothing but lightning and thunder, he will sing, “I will love Akki even in the days where the skies are grey, when she thinks a storm.”
She gives birth to a son.
It was a long labour, lasting over fourteen hours. It felt as if she was being ripped in half. There was no pain that could ever be a comparison. But for her son? She'd gladly do it all over again.
All ten fingers and ten toes.
A tuff of black hair. Shigure says that he looks so much like her. But in the quiet, when Shigure is asleep beside her, she studies the plains of her newborn son.
It’s too early to tell, but her son has his father’s nose. He has his father’s lips. His father’s lungs, she muses, with the audacity of his cries as he wailed to make himself known to the world.
He seemed to announce, Here I am! Look at me!
Akito, a mother.
Shigure, a devoted husband for a once-god.
Akito, a devoted once-god for her son.
Her son, her sun.
The sunshine to her squalls and thunderstorms.
Shiki.
Another one to add to the people she loves.
---
thirty-six
Akito decides to wear a dress today. The leaves have turned yellow and red. Some have fallen.
It was a mild day and it was a perfect day for a walk.
“Say, Shiki,” She and her son are sitting in front of the sliding doors that overlook a garden. Shiki is sitting on her lap as he stacks a block on top of each other, “Why don’t we go on a walk? Since it’s just you and me.”
Shiki looks backs, eyes wide, “Without Papa?”
She smiles, “Without Papa.”
Shiki has never been a mischievous child, but his smile then is a near thing, “Okay!”
---
thirty-six
It’s the start of the New Year.
“Will you join us this year Akito?” Hatori asks.
He knows the answer as it’s been the same for almost two decades now.
“I hope everyone has a fun time,” She says, “Please send everyone my regards.”
“And Shiki will be joining?”
The answer is the same as always.
(Her sins are not for her son to bear. It’s for her alone to atone for them.
Akito is thankful that despite what she has done in the past, they have it in them to let Shiki in their circle. That they love him happy and whole. That’s all that Akito can ask for.
You see father, she thinks one day as she’s listening to Shiki talk about the fun he’s had with his cousins, No one needs to be a god to be loved.)
---
thirty-seven
The three of them are lying on their futons. Their blankets are over their bodies.
Tonight, Shiki has asked for a sleepover.
Happily, Akito complied.
"Well," Shigure says giddily, "I think it's time for some stories? What do we say, Mama?"
Akito laughs, "Of course, but only two."
"Three!" Shiki holds, three fingers up, "Please."
"My, what beautiful manners," Shigure laughs. The three of them settle comfortably. Shiki snuggling close to Akito.
A story about a mother who conquers all for her child.
At the end of the night, after two stories, Shiki's eyes get droopy. Akito tucks him in and places a kiss on his forehead.
"Good night, my love." She whispers, "I'll see you in the morning."
"I love you, Mama."
Shiki falls asleep.
Shigure, "I love you Akito."
No longer fiction, but this is her reality.
Akito Sohma is a mother who kisses her son goodnight, with a promise of a bright tomorrow.
Akito Sohma is a wife for a husband whose love encompasses all.
---
forty
Akito can say that she has never loved anyone more than she loves Shiki. Her husband will always worship and shower her in grace, but it’s Shiki who is the most beautiful.
Akito thrives in the way that Shiki will laugh. Akito’s heart fills with so much love for her son that she cannot contain in her small body.
Though it is not without faults. Shiki came to her one day to ask about simple hand games, but for the life of her she did not know how it was to be played.
“I’m sorry,” Akito apologises for her incompetence, the gap of the world that she knows and what she needs to know really shows in these moments, “I don’t know how to play.”
“It’s okay, Mama,” Shiki says with his infinite patience, even for his age, “We can learn together.”
They say that parents will be their child’s first teacher. That a child will follow the ways of their parents.
Akito hopes that she never becomes like her father, as much as she has loved him in another lifetime. Akito prays that she never becomes her mother, who despised her child for breathing. Akito prays that she is a new woman.
Seeing Shiki grow up as he is, she can hope for the better.
She teaches her son to love as she has been taught by Tohru Honda, by Shigure, by all the others who continue to love her. Her son teaches her how to be patient.
---
forty
There are good days.
There are bad days.
With Ren in the estate, there could be terrible days.
There’s a loud bang, like a vase knocking over. Then loud footsteps marching inside the hallways of her own home. Then screaming, the timbre of a woman’s voice, deep with hoarseness and terrible.
Her body freezes over and the hair on her skin prickles with fear.
Shiki.
“This thing gave birth to this repulsive thing. What a repulsive little monster!”
Shiki.
Akito stands up as fast as she can and opens one of the sliding doors. At the very end of the hallway, she can see her son standstill.
In front of him, a monster. Her mother. Ren and in her hand is a sharp knife.
Akito has many fears in the short life she has lived, but it is not tantamount to the amount of alarm and terror as she feels now.
Ren, “This filthy creature, the face, the eyes–it looks just like its mother!” Ren raises her hand ready to strike, “Don’t think she can get away from this hell just because she gave birth!”
Akito’s body moves before she can even register what’s about to happen. She pushes her son out of the way. Safe and sound.
Warm liquid runs from the left side of her cheek, she looks back at her son. Shiki is startled. She smiles and holds up a hand to inspect her son.
“Okay?” She asks running a finger on his cheek.
“Mama?” Shiki stutters, “I–“
“Ah, the monster is here,” Ren seethes a familiar taunt, “Here to grovel I presume?”
Akito doesn’t engage, her first priority is to get Shiki out of here. Out of Ren’s reach.
“Monsters need to stay together.” Ren spits, “Monsters don’t need to live. Let me put your monster out of its suffering!”
She moves to strike again, but before she can there are people rushing to apprehend Ren. One being Yuki, followed by Kyo and three other maids. The knife is knocked out of her hand. This falls on the wooden floor with a loud clang.
“Let me go!” Ren screams. Kyo is pulling her away. Yuki is holding onto her hands.
Akito pays her no attention, as she engulfs her son in a tight hug. Akito makes sure that she’s blocked this terrible scene from his eyes. She moves to sit, her back against the wall.
This is one of the things that she’s never wanted Shiki to witness.
She feels like a failure.
She can’t breathe.
Her world is spinning, and a heavy blanket of darkness is engulfing her.
“Mama?” She hears Shiki say, “Mama, please.”
There is a hand that touches her shoulder. Soft and warm.
“Akito,” It’s Yuki. Akito doesn’t open her eyes, holding onto Shiki for dear life. She will not lose him too, “Akito, it’s okay. She’s gone.”
“Akito,” Kyo this time. He taps her fingers that hold onto her son, “Hatori’s coming. You can let go. Come on, me and Yuki are gonna help you.”
Kyo and Yuki.
It’s Kyo and Yuki.
Ren’s gone.
Slowly, she looks up. Half of her vision is red. She can feel the blood running on her face and onto the cloth of her dress. What a sight she must be.
Kyo lifts Shiki into his arms while Yuki has positioned himself in front of her.
“There’s a cut on your temple.” Yuki observes there’s a handkerchief in his hand and he presses it on her temple right above her eyebrow, “We might have to go to the hospital for this one.”
“I’ll let Hatori know,” Kyo says, “Say Shiki, why don’t we go and see Hajime and Mutsuki?”
Kyo looks over where Akito is sitting as if asking for permission. She nods, it’s best that Shiki’s away right now.
“Mama?” Shiki says again. She wants to reach over and hug him again, but she smiles as much as she can.
“I think both Mutsuki and Hajime have been waiting to see you.” She placates, “I’ll be okay.”
Kyo nods and starts to walk away leaving Yuki with her.
“Sorry,” Is all that she could say.
A terrible day, indeed.
---
forty
Shigure says that she doesn’t have to say anything.
Hatori says that maybe it’s best if they left it alone.
Tohru says that she’ll support her to whatever she decides.
Akito decides to tell Shiki the truth.
It’s a long winding truth. She tells Shiki the story of an eternal banquet.
Once upon a time, there was a god.
Akito tells Shiki about the Sohma curse. She tells Shiki about the years of abuse. She tells her about the cat’s confinement. Their dark history.
“Shiki, you are more than your name.”
Akito tells Shiki that she’s hurt so many people. She tells him that she can never take those things back. The awful things that she did. That Ren was right to call her a monster. That Ren was right, that no amount of grovelling can undo the sins she has committed to the members of their family.
“I do what I can,” She breathes in deep, “That means not being in their presence.”
Akito acknowledges the abuse, she acknowledges that for her to atone for sins she needs to start with her actions. That there needs to be a reckoning in the Sohma family.
And so, she doesn’t attend the New Year banquet. She doesn’t attend any family gatherings. She doesn’t make her victims forgive her. They don’t owe her anything.
“I want you to know that they love you,” Akito says confidently, “Not out of obligation to do so, but because you are a beautiful person Shiki, you are given love because you love them back. I want you to know that you are not me.”
She looks over to watch her son, her bright seven-year-old son, “I want you to know that these burdens are not yours to carry. That they’re mine and mine alone.”
Akito reaches over and ruffles Shiki’s hair, “I also want you to know that I love you more than life. That I would do anything for you.”
She moves closer and engulfs him in a hug, “And if you think that it’s best not to have a mother like me, then I can do that. You won’t have to see me. I don’t deserve you Shiki, for all the love and life you give me. I love you, but just because I do, that doesn’t mean you have to stay.”
Shiki flinches and Akito resigns her heart and her fate. It feels like the end. Maybe it’s written in the stars that she will be left alone. It hurts, yes, but for her son, she will move heaven and earth for him. She will live with this pain all her life, but she will not blame Shiki if he decides to leave.
“No.” Shiki says with defiance, “No, mama, I want you here with me.”
Once upon a time, there was a god. This god did a lot of horrendous things. She has hurt many. She has broken so many.
But then she chose to love.
And love chose her back.
Look father, Akito hugs her son tighter, there are tears in her eyes, look, no longer a god, but still I’m loved.
---
onwards
The years pass.
Shiki grows up.
Soon he begins his life.
She and Shigure grow older.
Still, Shigure chooses her to stay by her side.
Still, Shiki chooses to be her son.
The days are beautiful and tough. There are good days and the bad days are long in between.
Akito starts to live her life, as hard and as painful as it is.
Even if things aren’t what she had hoped they would be. The once-god that she was, the woman that she is starts living the life she wants step by step with a heart-fluttering feeling.