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It had been about six months since they’d seen each other last. Charlie had pulled up to Knox’s lakehouse with an overnight bag. He didn’t bring much; he never did. One thing that he had neglected to bring that always stayed in his car was his gear for ice fishing. He’d never gone ice fishing a day in his life, but his wife was happy to see him off for it every winter when he and Knox holed up together for it. Now, he didn't have to lie about that any longer. They wouldn't be married much longer.
“Charlie!” His grin was infectious, the boyish glint still in Knox's eyes even though he had both just recently turned 30.
Charlie tried to smile back just as warmly, hug him just as tight. But the looming over his head was there, no matter how much fun he was going to have for the three days he was here.
“I brought wine.”
“Get inside. I’ll grab some glasses.” Knox ran off to the kitchen, and soon they were sitting by a warm fire, their jeans a little crinkled from the driving and the tension rising. They made mindless small talk, catching up on what they already didn’t know. It was a little while later before Charlie let go of what was eating at his mind.
“My wife wants to get a divorce.” He said after a lull from Knox telling him about his daughter’s first grade class woes.
“What?” Knox’s head was spinning from the stark change, and it wasn’t form the expensive wine he was drinking. “Why?”
“She says that I’m too distant.”
Knox’s stare was hard. Charlie’s gaze focused into the ground. “Bullshit.”
“It’s not. That’s what she said. Plain and simple.”
“You’re lying.”
Charlie’s silence gave him the answer, clear and bold in the cold room. They were at the house that Knox used in the summers to take his family and make memories, smiling widely for the camera. In the winters, it felt cold. Too cold, unless you were pressed a little too close or had the fire burning a little too brightly. Normally they could sit and talk for awhile, progress a little further. But one thing they never did was lie (at least, to each other).
“It's complicated, alright?” Charlie drained the glass he had, his eyes wandering out to the falling snow.
“Charlie…”
“You’re gonna hate me. I can’t say why.”
“I’m gonna hate you?” Knox was baffled by that response. “What the hell do you mean I’m gonna hate you? Didn’t we get over that like… twelve years ago? Charlie?”
And then, Charlie was crying. Big, walloping tears streamed down his face and he felt like he couldn’t get any air. Of course, Knox was there at the moment it started, his hands on his knees, his own knees on the floor as he crouched beside him.
“Why?” Knox asked, his thumb running along Charlie’s knee.
“It’s all my fault. Everything. I don’t—I can’t believe she let me come out here. I’m just glad that Parker was at your house that night with Anna. Because if he knew… if my son knew, then Anna knows. And if Anna knows, then your wife would know. And Knox, Knox, Knox. You’ll never forgive me for what I’ve done. It’s not like when we got married. This is different. This is worse. Much worse.”
“What do our kids have to do this? My wife?”
Knox was buzzing with confusion. He and Charlie were always careful. When drunk, when sober, when together, when apart. The only time they weren’t careful was at the lake house. The lake house was for long nights and old memories. Kissing and trying new things. Forgetting that they were getting old and feeling young again. Why wouldn’t he forgive him? Charlie had gotten married first. Knox had been quick to follow, reminding himself that the romance he was wishing for could never be. They had to keep appearances, after all. Knox would forgive him again and again and again. Their hearts had been broken by each other time and time again. Whatever Charlie wasn’t saying couldn’t wait any longer. A lot more was at stake than just their personal lives. Charlie was a successful lawyer. Knox worked at the largest bank in the city.
“Well, Ellen wants another kid. A girl. So we’ve been trying to—“ He had to catch his breath. The speech was coming out too hiccuped. “We’ve been trying to have another kid, cause that’s what she wants. And she’s my wife, and I—I want her to be happy.”
“Of course. I want Peg to be happy too. I love her.” Knox nodded immediately.
“And I love Ellen. It’s just…”
“Just not the same. I know, Char. You don’t have to justify it to me. We’ve had this talk before.”
“I wasn’t drunk. I don’t even know where it came from. But I— fuck . I said your name instead of hers.”
Knox’s grip on his thighs tightened, and Charlie watched him as he stood up, the color from his face draining slowly.
“What would you go and do a thing like that for?” He asked, the sound quiet.
“I didn’t mean to. You know I would never do a thing like that.”
“How did it slip out? I don’t even…”
“I don’t know, okay?”
“What did she say? Should I go home? Should we even be out here?”
“That’s just it, Knox. She didn’t say anything. I was the one who stopped everything and fucked it all up.”
“What happened?” He looked like he was getting sick.
“We stopped, obviously.” Charlie wiped his face, hoping the few tears would go away. “And then she got angry. I mean, I had to tell her. I had to tell her what we are, Knox. I love you and you know that, but I couldn’t lie to her. Because I love her too despite… and I can’t lie to her. I can’t.”
“Is she going to tell my wife? She's Peg's best friend! What about your job? What about my job? Charlie !” Knox had begun to cry, unsure of everything that was happening and especially about his carefully created life.
“She didn’t say anything for awhile after I finished. I’ve never told anyone about what you mean to me. And I guess I couldn’t stand it anymore. I mean, you saw what happened in Greenwich a few years ago. People aren’t being quiet anymore. We’ve been silent for years. I guess I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told her everything. That I love you. That I always have.”
“Oh my god,” Knox sat on the chair aside Charlie, putting his head in his hands.
“So, she said she wants to get divorced.”
“I’ll be next, then.”
“She said she isn’t going to tell Peg. She said that’s up to you. If you’ll do it.”
“If I was ten years younger…”
“She didn’t think you’d say anything either. You don’t have to worry about it. She’ll keep her word.”
“I feel like I’m going to be sick.”
“I’m sorry.”
Knox looked over at him, a few lone tears built up in his eyes and a forlorn glaze over him.
“What are you gonna tell Parker?”
“That we’re getting divorced. If he wants to know when he’s older, I’ll tell him.”
“What about Anna? I mean- if you get divorced… Peg is Ellen’s best friend. Parker is Anna’s. Kids talk. And especially our kids. Especially our wives. They're all best friends.”
“And I’m still yours, last time I checked. Unless you don’t want me around anymore.”
“Why would you say that?”
“You’re acting… well, I don’t know. Everything’s confusing.”
Knox was silent, standing up and going over to look pensively out the window for a few moments. The snow was falling slowly. It would probably cast a few inches overnight, hugging the world in that beautiful afterglow. He wrapped his arms around himself and spoke as softly as the snow.
“We have the weekend still, don’t we?”
“Yes.” Charlie answered immediately, on edge. He knew that what he’d done could have ruined everything, and might still.
“It’s snowing. We should put more wood in the fireplace.”
“Knox?”
He’d ruined it.
“We should mend it. It’s barely flickering.”
And maybe, just maybe, as Knox turned around, he hadn’t. The kindles at the bottom sparked and flickered slowly, coming back to life with another log.
Flicker, flicker, burn. Brighter, brighter, brighter.
Knox sat next to him after he had finished, saying nothing but slipping a hand into Charlie’s own, running his fingers across the palm. “You’re my best friend.” He said, not accompanying it with anything else. He simply snuggled closer to Charlie, the heat from the fire turning their cheeks pink. "Even if my life is ruined." He said finally, looking over at him in a way Charlie had never seen before.
Perhaps he hadn’t ruined it after all.