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Songhwa takes in the scenery in front of her, basking in the quietness of the cool April air. Her mind is completely at ease as she takes another long sip of her mug of warm chocolate, eyes trained on nothing in particular. The canvas of the night sky looms above her head, bright stars littered across in mindless patterns.
It is peaceful. A feeling she hasn’t felt in a long time. There is just something about being surrounded by mother nature that Songhwa has an affinity of appreciation for. The calmness, the serenity. How it simply takes away any worry swirling in her mind. It is why she enjoys camping so much, and treats that as an act of self love.
It could be that. This time she is spending and making for her hobby. It could also be because she isn’t alone today, remembering the merry laughter of the seven year old, the clumsiness of his father who did not know how to fix their tent properly. It could be both, honestly.
She hears him before he makes any sound. Feels the warmth of his presence as he casually drapes a jacket — his, around her shoulders before sinking into the empty seat beside her.
Songhwa looks at him in appreciation, drawing the jacket closer around her body, his scent comforting. “Has Uju fallen asleep?”
“Yeah.” Ikjun nods with a smile. “Probably dreaming about Mone as we speak.”
She chuckles. Silence lapses between them as Songhwa puts her mug down, retrieving her thermos from the ground. She finds an empty mug, pours the steaming liquid into it before handing it gingerly to Ikjun.
He accepts it with a thanks, even letting out a groan of satisfaction after taking a sip. “Ah, this is really great.”
“The chocolate?” Songhwa queries, nearly adding that it is instant and made with barely any effort, but he interjects with a simple gesture to their surroundings. “I mean this. Camping.”
She arches an eyebrow in mild surprise. “Really?”
He looks at her bemusedly. “What’s with that tone?”
“You, liking camping? A city boy like you?” She asks, her tone more teasing than anything.
“Hey, I’m from Changwon, have you forgotten?” Ikjun argues softly. “Anyway, this is surprisingly calming. I see now why you like it so much.”
She hides her smile behind her mug, stalling a response by taking a slow and long sip of her drink. When she invited him for camping, she told herself it was due to the promise he had made for Uju. She had told herself that since she was going to come camping, why not invite him as well, right? It didn’t have to mean anything.
But now that her invitation had turned into a reality, now that she had spent hours sharing her favourite hobby with him and his son, and actually enjoying every second of it, Songhwa is starting to acknowledge that her intention from the start may already have been tainted with another underlying reason.
She puts down her mug again, starting slowly. “Ikjun-ah,”
“Hmm?"
“One year went by quickly, didn’t it?” She muses out loud, well aware of the time that had passed between them.
“Eo, it did.” Ikjun says nonchalantly.
Songhwa pauses, remembering bits and moments of the year that had gone by. How, among all the boys, she had kept in touch with Ikjun the most. How natural that had been, with all their messages to each other and calls at random hours of the week. Sometimes, Ikjun had gone down to Sokcho to visit on her invitation, even bringing Uju along a few times.
And every time he had to leave, she felt something stirring in her stomach, gradually and steadily. It made her think.
She continues slowly, “You know…during this one year, I realised quite a number of things.”
“You mean other than the fact that your mother will always treat you like a child by sending you all those containers of side dishes?” He jokes easily.
She laughs, shaking her head. “Well, other than that. In that one year that went by, I reflected a lot. Things I’ve said, decisions I’ve made. And I realised that I don’t always have the answers to everything.”
He raises an eyebrow slightly. “Sounds like you had some sort of epiphany…”
“Honestly, you could say that.” Songhwa agrees with a nod, then casts a glance into his direction. “Distance truly does wonders to a person, you know.”
Ikjun furrows his eyebrows together, not quite understanding her vague statement. Songhwa shifts her gaze, pausing slightly before continuing in a whisper, “That I’ve made a mistake, after all.”
“A mistake?”
She nods. “A lapse in judgement,”
Ikjun shifts in his seat slightly, still a little confused.
“Ikjun-ah, in that one year I was in Sokcho,” She glances to her side again, meets his gaze. “I’ve missed you.”
He stills, eyes widening ever so slightly — if it isn’t because they are holding their gazes, Songhwa would have missed it; that flicker of surprise in his eyes.
She gives him this soft smile that she wonders if he could discern, surely he could read her thoughts at that very moment, right? It’s Ikjun, after all, Ikjun who knows her best.
But in case he doesn’t though, from the way he is still staring at her with a blank expression, Songhwa continues slowly, “That friend you liked a year ago, do you still like her?”
Ikjun opens his mouth, then closes it. For the first time in a long time, he is rendered speechless. It’s like all the words have decided to leave him at such a pivotal moment, one that he assumed he would never hear of ever again, but he couldn’t help it. His heart races in a turmoil of mixed emotions, his thoughts suddenly jumbled in incoherence.
He finally finds his voice, the second he realises that she is still staring right at him, patiently waiting. There is a calm resolution in her expression and Ikjun could tell almost at once that this Chae Songhwa isn’t going to back away. She isn’t going to be running away. Not this time.
“Yes,” Ikjun exhales, sees the tinge of pink blossoming across her cheeks at his answer. He swallows the lump in his throat, firmly repeating, “yes, I do. I still like her. I…”
“Why?” The question slips from her lips gently. Songhwa tilts her head to the side, her smile small with genuine curiosity. “I never even asked you last year. Why do you like her?”
There’s a short pause as Ikjun gathers the words in his mind. Words he knows as heartfelt and true. “She reminds me of everything good in my life. She provides me with…this sense of comfort I cannot even begin to describe. When I’m with her, I’m happy.” Ikjun pauses, eyes searching hers for any sort of reaction. “When I’m with her, I feel completely at ease. She’s my strength.”
No sooner had the words left him that Ikjun felt a sense of numbness gnawing against his mind. It takes him back to that fateful evening more than a year ago, taken place in his office with his best friend pressed against his cabinet, a distance so large between them that it had gutted his stomach in regret.
He is suddenly fearful of the words he'd just uttered. Are they something she is ready to hear, or would they put another wedge in between them that he wouldn’t be lucky enough once again to mend—
“Good.”
Ikjun nearly stops breathing.
Songhwa looks ahead, finally tearing her gaze from him. Her cheeks are glowing with heat when she finishes her sentence, “Because she likes you too.”
His heart is roaring in his ears, as if in disbelief to hear those words from her. “She…does?”
“It has taken some time for her to realise it, to truly gauge how she feels for you. But,” Songhwa nods firmly. “there is no doubt in this world that you make her happy. You make her laugh. When she is with you…she realises that she wants to be with you for a long, long time.”
Ikjun couldn’t respond to that. He wonders if he could even count that as a form of confession from her - he couldn’t bring himself to hope, couldn’t dare to even wish that her words meant something more than they should.
But Songhwa continues, as if understanding why he had gone mute.
“You are her precious person, someone extremely important to her. Ikjun-ah, the possibility of losing you if things went wrong scared her.” Songhwa looks at him once again, this time, her eyes bear a different type of emotion. “That was the reason why I rejected you last year. Because I cannot afford to lose you.”
The change in pronoun strikes an instant chord in his heart, and Ikjun softens his expression. “I cannot lose you too, Songhwa-ya. Never in a million years.”
She nods, her eyes somewhat glassy. “Do you know how much I feared that rejection? I contemplated for hours in the car, I rehearsed those words in my head over and over again.” Songhwa could feel her chest constricting. “I ran as soon as I finished because I couldn’t bear to see your expression and I…”
Ikjun places his hand over hers carefully, as if trying to calm her. It is then she realises that her hands are trembling. “I hurt you,”
“Songhwa…”
“I hurt you that evening and I thought that was it. That I’ve ruined us,”
“Don’t say that—“
“But then the next time we met, you…you went back to being the exact Ikjun I know. It was like nothing even happened,” She bit her lower lip in pent up frustration. “I knew what you were trying to do, Ikjun-ah. Part of me was relieved. But part of me sometimes found myself wishing that you would resent me. Because you’ve found the courage to confess but I turned you down without even giving you a proper answer. I would have understood if you were mad at me, but you never once faltered,”
Songhwa feels the tears welling, and she immediately lowers her gaze. This prolonged guilt that had lasted for too long, because she never had the courage to address it openly, thinking that it would simply go away one day if she didn’t.
She realises that it wouldn’t. No matter the time that had gone by, it would always be at the back of her mind until and unless she addresses it. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for hurting you, for not even explaining to you why,”
Ikjun edges closer to her, braves himself to place one hand against her cheek. His gesture is enough for her to find his gaze once again, and when she does, he continues, “Songhwa-ya, listen…”
Her breath hitches in her throat.
He continues softly. “You don’t owe me anything. You had every right to reject my confession, and I would never hold that against you. Yes, it did hurt. But I could never resent you. To me, I could live the rest of my life without changing our status quo if it means being with you always, even if it is only in the capacity of your best friend. I’m fine, and even if I’m not, I will be fine.”
Hearing that only makes her heart clench even further, but this time, Songhwa wills herself to say what has been running through her mind for days, weeks, now.
“Ikjun-ah, confess.”
He stares at her. She leans into the palm of his hand. “I’ve changed my answer to you. I think you should confess to your best friend.”
Ikjun inhales, then exhales. She gives him a small smile of encouragement, intertwining their hands on her lap and—
“I love you,” Ikjun whispers, then shakes his head slightly. “no, I’m in love with you, Chae Songhwa. Please don’t feel like you have to say this back, or that you have to feel the same way—”
“I love you too.” Songhwa exhales calmly, her expression at complete ease and acceptance. As if she has come to term with this for a long time now. “And…I think I am in love with you, too.”
Hearing those words from her sends a wave of ardent happiness crashing into his heart, words he knows to be sincere and true. A grin breaks across his face even before he could stop himself and Ikjun quickly reminds himself to stay grounded.
He assures, “We will make this work no matter what, Songhwa-ya. No matter what challenges or situation we face, I promise you, I would never give up on us,”
Songhwa nods, her face brimming with happiness and relief. “I know,”
They smile, continuing to hold their gazes. There’s unabashed shyness in her cheeks that he sees, just as how he is certain his ears had gone completely pink at this sudden turn of events.
“Can I ask you a question?” Ikjun breaks the silence after a few more seconds, and Songhwa nods.
“Did you really come to this conclusion from the months you were away in Sokcho?”
“Didn’t you realise I called you more than ever while I was there?” She arches an eyebrow in amusement. “I had plenty of chances to figure out that my missing you was not in the capacity of mere friends. That I longed for something more, something only you could provide, ever since I started seeing you as a man rather than just a best friend.”
“W-what?”
“It’s a long story, but let’s just say that someone shed some light into my mind.” Songhwa shakes her head, “Gosh, I even broke into a song in public because of you—“
Ikjun straightens his back. “Wait, you mean…that time you randomly started singing Couple? That was you trying to tell me something ?”
She chuckles lightly. “It wasn’t very effective I would assume…”
“I couldn’t think of anything beyond how emb—“ Ikjun stops himself sharply the second he sees her glowering, “— unique your voice was.”
She dismisses his words with a wave of her hand, not at all offended by his implication. “I was just testing the waters, then.”
He frowns a little, understanding her sentence. “Is that why you kept asking me out for coffee and walks after that?”
Songhwa nods, albeit shyly. “I…wanted to see if…spending time with you alone would make me feel differently than before your confession.”
“Did it…?”
“Are you seriously asking that question?”
Ikjun chuckles. “Okay, no. But can I ask you another really important question?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I kiss you?”
Caught completely off guard, the heat returns to her cheeks and Songhwa is momentarily at a loss for words. Her heart begins to pick up speed, but even so, she doesn’t turn away, doesn’t falter. Ikjun waits, as he always would, for her answer. That gentle smile on his face, the warm ambience enveloping them — Songhwa doesn’t say anything. Instead, she shows him.
Songhwa leans forward, her eyes flutter shut as she presses her lips against his. If Ikjun is surprised at her forwardness, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he shifts in his position, pulling her closer into his embrace. He returns her kiss gently, softly, treating her with all the care in the world until she draws back slightly. Ikjun sees the look of shyness in her eyes, one that is filled with fondness as she whispers belatedly, “I’d like that.”
Hearts drumming in unison underneath the night sky, all distance erased between them. Ikjun merely chuckles, before leaning down to find her lips again.