Chapter Text
The era when Xu Xilin was born was a dark one. Where many human rights were lost. It didn't matter if it was an adult or a child, a woman or a man, as long as they were slaves, prisoners, paupers, they would become targets for inhumane experimental subjects.
The development of the medical field and technology over time, does not always produce something good. With human's boundless curiosity, sometimes it leads to extreme experiments. Whether it's creating a race that is superior to other races, achieving the perfect physical endurance to create a strong army in enemy attacks on the battlefield, or even using the subject to make weapons of mass destruction. These are the things that the country's government do not hesitate to do.
Of course, all of that was done behind closed doors and hidden from the outside world. They're just pathetic people who keep all their complaints to themselves and can't do anything about it. The gap in social status here is clearly very visible. This era is truly hopeless for those who suffer the loss of family members one by one until those who remain are also victims.
Xu Xilin still had his luck. He was born into a fairly influential family when he was a teenager. His mother is a lawyer. However, when he graduated junior high school, his mother died. So, he decided to enter a military academy reluctantly in order to protect his family from dangers. The mother who was the pillar of protection has left, he must become someone strong enough to support his grandmother, the only family left. And his low profile life started from then on.
Then, fate brought them together in the infantry. Xu Xilin at that time had just been promoted.
"Colonel Dou, you put the beans aside again, was that for me?"
"Mn, eat."
Xu Xilin smiled, picking up beans from Dou Xun's food for himself to eat. "You don't have to leave that for me. I'm... not a greedy person."
In fact, this "not a greedy person" still quietly ate beans whenever Dou Xun put them aside. While chewing, his gaze fell on the vast expanse of desert in front of him.
Year after year, from the inside out, their country is getting more and more dilapidated and chaotic. Inside, those high-ranking and inhumane scientists were intense and busy with their experiments. Outside, the invaders who are greedy for territorial expansion continue trying to break into their country's defenses. This country, which had long isolated itself from the outside world, that believed in their own abilities, was finally on the edge.
Xu Xilin had graduated from the academy 5 years ago and had been an official soldier ever since, with his current rank as captain. As for Colonel Dou, Dou Xun is the son of one of his country's top brass who was transferred to guard the post in the north with him a year ago.
And they are friends... to this day.
But the friendship, gradually did not make the young soldier Dou feel satisfied. From time to time, strange feelings and obsessions with having Xu Xilin as his partner just keep popping up. Like an unstoppable flood of water, flooding his heart and mind.
He thought, he had turned gay and fell in love with this person.
.
.
At the beginning of the second year that Dou Xun knew Xu Xilin, he heard that Captain Xu would be reassigned to the South and leave in the next 5 days.
Dou Xun pursed his lips tightly. Thinking in his head, 'Can I ask to be transferred along with Xu Xilin too?'
He was so annoyed with the policy that had been announced, but the man didn't seem to have anything bothering him. He was still cheerful as usual. Just when, Dou Xun was about to open his mouth to express his disapproval of the policy, Xu Xilin suddenly spoke.
They were sitting on the sand. The night sky in the north was quite beautiful. The stars were scattered and the moon is hanging beautifully. For the hearts of the soldiers who had a lot of stress, living in an environment like this where there was only sand wherever the eyes looked, the sight of the stars was their only natural consolation.
"Dou Xun, it's been a while since I've been here. Maybe almost 4 years? This is my second territory in charge. I once thought, given the situation that occurred at that time, maybe I should be prepared if I die in a year or two. Who would've guessed that now I'm still surviving the war and will be transferred in this situation?"
Calling his name without a title meant that Xu Xilin was in the mood for a serious conversation. Sure enough, he started it off with a deep talk.
"Are you feeling grateful?"
"Hey, how could I not, you know, the situation in South is better than here. At least there are plants and flowers that I can see there. Not just the desert you see day and night."
Dou Xun was silent.
That's right, why would one feel displeased when they're about to be transfered from this cursed wasteland. Their current location is an area prone to enemy targets. This became the vital point of their country. The war just ended 2 months ago, and they can relax a bit. However, who could have guessed when the enemy would return? This made them unable to lower their guard, the battalion's strength had to be continuously increased.
"Can we meet again?"
"Hmm?" Xu Xilin turned his head, furrowing his brows for a moment. Then he smiled gently.
"As long as I'm alive, I'll definitely meet you in the future. So you have to stay alive here."
Dou Xun felt his heart grow bitter and pitiful. He lowered his head.
Alive, right. The south is quite safe compared to the north. Xu Xilin might be fine, but if he died here, wouldn't the one who was at a loss from not being able to meet him himself?
"Back then, when there was no war, I had been to the South once. I kept this."
He took out a dried flower stem that was far from its original shape. However, it still doesn't shatter as it's protected by the plastic clips that clamp it down.
"What's that?" Dou Xun asked.
"Marygold." Xu Xilin said, looking nostalgic.
Dou Xun stared fixedly at the dried flowers. He thought, What's the value of that?
"Someone gave it to me." Xu Xilin added.
Dou Xun's heart tightened. A sour taste filled his chest with jealousy.
"Your girlfriend?" He asked in a flat tone.
Xu Xilin chuckled. "I wish so. How nice would it be if I have one. But no, a boy gave this to me when I saved him."
He didn't tell what kind of saving it was, but Dou Xun already had a tacit understanding.
The corner of Dou Xun's lips twitched. Thinking of this, it seemed that he had just been jealous of a child.
"Back then, it was so beautiful and bright. I didn't understand the language of flowers, and had no interest in learning it. But the boy told me that it meant the beauty and warmth of the sun, and also symbolizes success."
Xu Xilin's eyes were dreamy, flipping through the dried flowers in his hands. Dou Xun was still listening and did not speak.
"Then I started to hope, maybe in a few years I'll be successful by getting promotions and recognition, so I can protect my family."
Dou Xun thought, 'You deserve it.'
"However, before I was promoted, my only remaining family died first. Even so, I actually got promoted after that."
Suddenly that brown dried flower flashed within Dou Xun's sight. At some point, Xu Xilin's hand had already reached out to him. He said slowly and softly, cutting off his own words about his family.
"You haven't been to the south, have you? This is for you. Aiya, although I don't know what's good about this and for what reason I kept it for such a long time. Maybe.. because I know it's in the north, we won't be able to see flowers.."
He ended the sentence with a small laugh. It tickled Dou Xun's heart.
"Next time, you'll have to come yourself to see something fresh, Colonel Dou."
For a soldier, accustomed to a rough life and rarely seeing beauty before his eyes, a flower in Xu Xilin's hand, even though it was dry, was still an indescribable thing. It left Dou Xun speechless.
What should I say at this point?
After all, he never knew that Xu Xilin had a sentimental romantic side that overwhelmed him.
How many sides of you do I not know, Xu Xilin? If we could be free and see the world casually, would we have a normal life like ordinary people?
His heart was beating fast. It was as if what was in front of him was not a dried flower, but a red rose that people usually use to propose to their lover.
Stiffly, Dou Xun grabbed it and stared at the flower in his hand for a few seconds. Before looking back at Xu Xilin and saying, "Mn, thank you."
He thought it was too stiff, so he added. "Maybe.. I'll also get a promotion after having this."
Xu Xilin laughed heartily at that.
'You can definitely become a General one day, Dou Xun. And make those people get their rights again.' Xu Xilin kept this hope in his heart.
That night, they talked about many things. Until the moon in the sky slowly sinks, until a speck of light dawns. They stayed up all night.
.
.
In the next two days, Dou Xun could not find Xu Xilin's whereabouts. Where he patrolled, no one knew. It was as if in this vast desert, Xu Xilin had completely fused with a mirage. Even when there were no trees that could hide a person's figure, he still couldn't see his whereabouts.
When he asked the other soldiers, they said Xu Xilin was at a certain place, but when he came to the designated place, there was no trace of Xu Xilin at all.
Until finally on the night of the third day. Dou Xun went back to looking for Xu Xilin to say about his feelings. As long as he didn't meet Xu Xilin in these few days, he had a great fear. He had to tie that person up immediately, no matter what happened in the future, that person just had to come and go because of it. The man had made him aware of the responsibility he had to bear, he could not leave the post because of his selfishness and feelings alone. There was someone who believed in him, so he had to stay here. So, even if he had to die in this place before meeting Xu Xilin in the south, he would not die regretfully keeping all his love and feelings to himself.
However, he never expected to see this scene. In the darkness a little distance away, near the tent, he saw the person hugging a man so intimately. It was Sergeant Cai, Cai Jing who was one of their fellow soldiers. And Dou Xun remembered, it seemed that this person was a close friend of Xu Xilin.
From where Dou Xun was, he could see that Xu Xilin's head was tilted to the side, as if about to kiss him. What kind of ambiguous position is this?
Immediately, fire smoldered within Dou Xun's chest. The heat was so intense that the blood in his body churned. His hands were clenched into fists, but what could he do? Go to those two and beat them up?
That night, as they sat down to chat, Xu Xilin said, "In this life, I'm not sure if I have the chance to love or even marry. Dou Xun, weren't we born in unlucky era?"
In return, he only thought of this sentence. 'I just know I love you. What does all that have to do with the time in which we live? Anytime and anywhere, one can fall in love.'
However, Xu Xilin made him sink back into those thoughts with these words, "But I'm happy to be with you right now. It already makes me feel a little lucky."
And Dou Xun, in the end, didn't have the chance to speak those thoughts. Xu Xilin's ambiguous words, had soared his hopes above the horizon to rely on the shining moon that night.
He was foolish enough to accept Xu Xilin's words without confirming what his words meant.
Now, rather than calling it anger, Dou Xun felt it was more of a disappointment.
Liar, even with all the convincing words you just said 3 days ago? What's with all this now?
Dou Xun turned around unsteadily, wanting to hate the man to death.
Fuck you, Xu Xilin!
Two days remaining, Dou Xun was crazily patrolling non-stop. He is like a thirsty traveler with curiosity in exploring. Go to who knows where, to replace Xu Xilin, who has been missing for the past few days.
Xu Xilin asked another soldier the same thing, and got the same result. Even until the day he brought his things and was about to leave, Dou Xun didn't show up at all.
So, he simply went south after patting Cai Jing on the shoulder and getting into his pick-up.
Dou Xun was on the other side of the desert, sitting on the edge of the oasis. He purposely didn't come back and avoided seeing the man leave. His hand held Xu Xilin's dried marygold.
His gaze was blank, and he didn't know what to do. The thought suddenly came to mind after contemplating for a long time.
Should he give up on his love now? Before he even had time to start?
Dou Xun stood up, turned around and hurriedly ran to meet Xu Xilin.
However, he was too late. The man is gone. He asked his fellow soldiers if Xu Xilin had left him a message, only to be disappointed that he didn't leave any.
Do I mean nothing to you?
.
.
Eight months later, the south was attacked. Many soldiers died in that intense battle. The other three corners were attacked simultaneously not long after.
North, which should have been the fatal point, only became a decoy. The real target is the south. And when Dou Xun's battalion troops reached the South, it was too late.
Two months later, the South was conquered. Followed by the east, west, and north.
Xu Xilin, the young captain, who said that the south was safer, was included in the ranks of the dead in the field.
However, there was one thing that made Dou Xun unable to believe in reality. Word of mouth, from compatriots filled with anger or enemies laughing proudly triumphantly, Xu Xilin's name was mentioned over and over again.
Xu Xilin, did not die as a martyr. He died as a traitor.
Dou Xun felt that the air in the south was definitely colder than the north. Otherwise, how could his heart be this cold?