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The disappearance of white, downcast flowers concluded the ending of the funeral.
It was a long, long time ago but he could still feel the lingering wails of the people previously close to him. The ground, black chairs and the bright, sickening skies. He remembered everything like it happened yesterday.
The pinkette painfully felt his heart clenched. He wanted someone to tell him everything would still be okay. That he still would be fine living his life all dull and alone. He wanted someone to embrace him and hear his cries—let someone hear his regrets. He wanted to be comforted by his voice while he told him everything's gonna be alright.
But the calls never reached him. It never did since they grew distant from each other and fell apart. Yuuji missed him.
Yuuji tried typing the number once again before his breath suddenly hitched, halted and everything went black.
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It had been 41 years since the grand Megumi and Yuuji wedding.
Exactly 38 years have passed since Sukuna decided to stop communicating and cut everything that tied him with his one and only family—his brother. Without wasting another breath, the oldest Itadori left the country and completely disappeared from anyone's radar.
No one thought of visiting him every once in a while, during weekends or even during holidays because they knew Sukuna wouldn't want to talk to anyone related or remotely connected to his brother. But when someone finally did, it was already too late. It took everyone a month before they realized that Sukuna had gone missing.
He didn't even leave anything—not a note, a souvenir nor a goodbye. Anguish, pity and guilt washed over the bystanders as they re-observed what they did, what they did not do, and watched Yuuji fall down on his knees, crying. He was hysterically screaming and angry—a feeling he hadn't felt with anyone before, not even with his own husband.
He was mad at what happened. At their relationship. At himself.
Sukuna is missing.
Sukuna left.
Despite doing their best to reach and search for Yuuji's brother, a clue about his whereabouts was never given. They never found out what happened with Sukuna and simply let time healed the anguish they felt inside their chest.
Something different shifted inside Yuuji when he realized there was no hope left: his friends might not have noticed it, but Megumi did. Yuuji changed.
And no one ever brought up the name Sukuna Itadori since then.
29 years later, Megumi Fushiguro died.
On the other side of the world, Sukuna was diagnosed with pneumonia and a terrifyingly weak heart. He wondered if that was the reason he was so broken that he fell in love with his own blood.
He could still converse properly but there would be times—often times, that he'd be out of breath. With his old age, he needed the support of an oxygen tank and a permanent hospital room to check and stay in. Hence, with proper care and continuous therapy, the doctors said his weak system could get better and the symptoms could occur less.
Sukuna was told he had to go back to Japan to get himself treated if he wanted to live a long life. The professionals assured him that not only would the process be the same in his own country, but the facilities would make him more relaxed and comfortable too. And as much as Sukuna didn't want to, he really didn't have a lot of choice. He needed to get treated and at the very least, improve. He won't let his emotions blind him again, not then when no one even thought about him anymore—he had to go back there. Back to where it began and tragically all ended.
Once Sukuna made up his mind, he didn't hesitate to pack everything he needed inside a bag and went off. The tall pinkette was immediately admitted to Tokyo Central Hospital upon landing and stayed there. He was told to wear the custom hospital uniform and had to sport a nasal cannula at all times. It itched his nose at first but he soon got used to it.
Every Tuesday would be his check-up, then Thursday to Saturday would be his therapy. Sukuna never noticed that he was getting old, he didn't even feel as accurately sick as the professionals said so, but he still let the doctor do what they needed to do in his body. He didn't have anything to lose anyway.
In just a short amount of time, Sukuna made a home out of his excessively white-painted room.
Sukuna was clear on transforming his surroundings into something more lively. It irked him to see everything around him colored too clean. He personally never liked white. It made him remember something he didn't want to, so Sukuna did everything a patient was limited to in their room and renovated a few things.
He put up a wallpaper above his bed to cover up one tedious part of the room. He asked a nurse to change the window curtains into something more vibrant and requested a yellow vase to be placed on top of his side table. Every once in a while, with Sukuna's senior pension from the government, he would order a fresh bouquet of carnations and place it in the vase. After everything was done, albeit finding it lacking, Sukuna made do to persuade himself he was satisfied enough.
It's fine. Nothing's wrong. This is perfect enough. I don't need more. I don't need anyone to make this room lively. This is all and everything I will ever need.
Please, don't remember him . Yet no matter how much Sukuna convinced himself to stop remembering, everything still made him think of him.
Still. Still. It was so exhausting.
How many years have passed now?
Sukuna carefully laid on his back, wandering his eyes around the work he did in his room, and sighed. It never happened before but looking at the carnations passionately swaying in the air now made him hear a fragment of Yuuji's laugh.
The way it would ring in his ears like a soft breeze of nature and the splash of sea.
Sukuna clenched his fist and unconsciously pushed the vase away. The glass cracked harshly on the ground, but at least the laughing inside Sukuna's head stopped. A nurse was alarmed by the noise and hurriedly barged in to check on the patient. She couldn't find anything wrong. The monitor said his vitals were fine but inside, Sukuna felt scared. The same way, the same emotion he felt, when he realized he was harbouring feelings towards someone he shouldn't be harbouring to.
"Itadori-san, are you okay? How are you feeling? What was that—" the nurse inquired but stopped when she noticed the vase gone from the side table.
She walked around and to the other side of the bed and saw the pot broken into pieces, smashed and shattered, along with the beautiful petals of carnation.
The nurse softly looked at Sukuna's cold and ignoring demeanor. His head was turned away but she knew the man was probably thinking and feeling guilty by himself. She expectantly knew that the patient's actions were done for some private reasons, hence she avoided any further search for an explanation and silently worked on her own.
The nurse kneeled down and began picking up the glass pieces of what became broken.
"Do you want another vase, Itadori-san?" The nurse asked without looking up.
The nurse waited for an answer. Waited. Then waited. And waited. Before she finally heard the old man sigh and drag his voice.
"No."
Once the nurse was done cleaning the splintered shards on the ground, she left and let Sukuna sink on the comfort of his bed—leaving the latter in his own hunting thoughts once again.
If he could stay inside the guard of these lonely walls forever, he'd happily do so rather than go out and remeet the world. Even after so many years of tricking himself to forget, he wasn't ready to see and feel the sun shine again.
What he really did forget though was how the universe liked to spit at his face and his whole existence. The same way the shy twinkled bright and laughed at him the night of his brother's wedding.
Sukuna had a great life in Argentina. At first, of course, he was a disaster. He kept drinking, actually sleeping on the cold, freezing streets, and fucking foreign people left and right. His first four months were consisted of planning how to execute a murder, suicide and confess to his faraway brother. All the things he knew he couldn't possibly do.
The only time it got better was when he miraculously got a job as a teacher in an academy. He met the academia's chief principal in a bar one night and talked it out. Instead of insisting to make his life horrible, Sukuna agreed to work and became a science teacher. The kids did their job to distract him from miserableness and he soon forgot to yearn for his body, his alluring scent, his enchanting smiles and to go back to Japan.
Then in just a single blink, Sukuna's life began to shift from square one.
One day, his personal doctor just suddenly said that a relative of his was assigned to move to his room. They both didn't have any family left so the head officials intended them to meet up and get better in one place. Sukuna didn't even have enough time to process it before someone he wasn't prepared to meet joined him in his room. Yuuji Fushiguro—his brother.
"Don't worry, this room is wide enough for another bed. The LR said he'll move here tomorrow."
Sukuna felt like he was being played with. Whatever and whoever was watching him at that moment must be enjoying the resolution of his fate, while he suffered and ached from the sudden rush of fragile memories.
After so many years of rebuilding himself and his life, it just really all had to crumble back down. Just from the sight of his loved one laying silently on his bed, as if he was dead, it crumbled down.
Allegedly, Yuuji was in a light coma after he underwent a mild heart attack at home. There was no one with him nor around the latter so the ambulance horrifyingly came a day too late. Yuuji slept through the night unattended and was already on the verge of extreme concussion. Thankfully, one of his neighbors visited that day and found the pinkette laying on their carpet, unmoving, with a phone in his hand.
The hospital did their best to put Yuuji in a better situation. After a while, he was left in a state of coma and was bound to wake up a few weeks or a month later; however, since his condition was still apprehensive (it could still change and suddenly turn critical), the doctor in charge found a problem.
They found out that there was a hole in Yuuji's form that needed to be filled, one way or another.
The bill nor the location was never the issue but the officials decided and intended to find any living relatives of Yuuji's and contact them for support. The doctor tried calling the latter's previous job, his emergency contact number and even a number written on his wallet, but nothing worked. When they looked up the internet, through social media, for any connection—something clicked.
Sukuna didn't have the will to refuse after knowing what his brother had gone through.
It had been a week since Yuuji moved into Sukuna's room. The latter had been quieter since his brother's arrival. The only time Sukuna had the courage to look at him was when he suddenly woke up on his side and accidentally glanced at Yuuji's peaceful figure with tired eyes.
Just like him, Yuuji's skin that used to softly glow under the rays of the sun became creasly. There were now wrinkles adoring his gentle, bony face. Yuuji was motionless and had changed so much over the years but once Sukuna had laid his eyes on him, it was still hard for him to look away. Yuuji was finally beside him but he couldn't even take care of him.
It was bad for Sukuna's health to shed even a single tear but at that moment, he couldn't help but cry for his brother. If only there wasn't a dextrose and pins enveloping his body, maybe it would be easier for him to abandon his piteous sentiments. Yuuji looked so frail, weak and boring. Knowing the latter never did so in the past made Sukuna want to make his wrists bleed.
Sukuna never minded the sound of his heartbeat on the screen but now that it was beating, synchronized with Yuuji's, he wanted it to stop. He hated it. He hated everything.
If only they had met during a different circumstance, Sukuna might have had the courage to go beside him and apologize. If only the timing was different, Sukuna might have been the one looking after Yuuji, fondling his white hair that used to imitate the color of a pink orchid. If only they were born separately and in different terms, Sukuna would have the chance to kiss him silly. But all of those were out of reach. Their present wasn’t made up of ‘if’ scenarios but a life they could never revert back and change.
He knew he didn't have the right to look at him in that state. To melt in sadness as he imagined Yuuji waking up, seeing his long lost brother now so close to him, and hugging him. He didn’t have the right to even think of him anymore. He knew that. Not after he left him and especially broke his vows and promises.
Sukuna remembered the first time Yuuji brought someone home and introduced his brunette boyfriend named Megumi. To say that Sukuna felt mortified and instantly lonely was an understatement. He wanted to physically hurt the guy, punch him, and let him know how daring he was to try to take his brother away from him. But the moment he saw how carefree Yuuji had become when he was beside Megumi, putting his head on the latter’s forehead like Megumi was the safest person he’d ever be in the world, Sukuna knew he had to shut his feelings out.
“If he hurts you, come to me. If he leaves you, call me. If he makes you cry, run to me. I’ll protect you and personally hunt that asshole down.” Sukuna bent his knees and looked his brother straight in the eyes, unwavering. Despite seeing Yuuji eager to get out of the protective reminders of his older brother, Sukuna knew he was listening. He knew Yuuji would remember his words, and that was enough.
“I’m here. If you need me, reach out to me. I’ll be here.”
Later that day, Yuuji didn’t come home and slept over at his boyfriend’s home. Sukuna wasn’t dense. He knew and could feel what could happen at Fushiguro’s residence. He saw how Megumi looked at his brother bewitchingly and with the intent to devour. Sukuna knew that yearning. He knew that look the most. He wondered what words and sounds would escape Yuuji’s lips as he got fucked by that stony brunette.
Without another presence inside the house, yet with a pinkette family member inside his mind, Sukuna touched himself and came abundantly in his own room.
The Sukuna now couldn’t help but feel remorseful from the memory. Not only did he wank off from the obscure fantasies he had with his brother uncountable times, he also deserted his promises to Yuuji and left him behind. It was the very least Sukuna could do as a pillar supporting the latter yet he abandoned it too. He let him deal with pain on his own. He let him yield an ocean of tears and get mad at himself. He left Yuuji with no one to run to and caused Yuuji to grow old on his own.
“I’m sorry, Yuuji. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Sukuna’s voice was faint but he knew his messages were not. He couldn’t perceive how many days they had with each other was left but Sukuna finally wanted to unfold and tell Yuuji about the horrible secrets he had been keeping inside.
“I have loved you since the beginning of our time. The-The moment I saw you, you were so small and you kept crying, I already knew I’d sacrifice myself for you. I didn’t know it would come to this. I didn’t notice that it’d grow into something I couldn’t control. I wanted you, Yuuji. That’s why I left. I wanted you to be close to me no matter how weird it would look like in our parent’s eyes. I loved you.
Then you found me again. You saved me. You didn’t even give me a chance to seclude and remind myself it should be different this time. I couldn’t help but relive the feelings I had with you in the past. You made me insane and then… and then you told me you have a boyfriend. You-You never thought of my feelings. You never considered me the same way I saw you as my other half. I tried to bottle everything away but my love was too much to contain. And when you said you’ll start a life with him and marry him, I screamed in my mind, ‘Why not me? Why not with me? What does he have that I goddamn don’t?’ Fuck, Yuuji, I loved you, and I hated you. I loathed your happiness and the memories you began to build with him so I left you again.
I told you to be happy but when you never did with me, I couldn’t take it. I had to leave you. I had to forget, Yuuji. I had to free you. I was only weighing you down and I knew Megumi would do all the right things with and for you.”
A nerve in Sukuna’s chest seemed to harden as another tear cascaded down his eyes. His legs felt numb while he stayed in the same lying position, looking at Yuuji on his side.
“Were you happy, Yuuji?”
But Yuuji kept silent. He couldn’t satisfy Sukuna by giving him an answer. He was only asleep.
Sukuna whimpered, his voice hoarse, as he continued to confess the things he never told his brother. From the things he did when they were kids, the times he wasn't beside his brother, until the day of his wedding.
His whole speech was a lie. He didn't deserve to be the best man. He didn't want to be the person watching and sitting somewhere in the crowd, spewing words that he knew he never sincerely meant. He shouldn’t have changed what he wanted to say. He shouldn’t have come and smiled at their special day. Everything he did--all was a cowardice deception.
Sukuna wanted the spot in front of the aisle, standing tall on the stage and beside his brother. He wanted his name laminated on the scented invitation card. He wanted to be the one exchanging vows with Yuuji and placing a ring around his fingers. He wanted to be the one to kiss the pinkette in front of the public’s eyes and the whole wide world.
Yuuji was wrong to think he understood his brother the most.
He never really knew his brother.
Sukuna wanted to be the groom—his groom.
Itadori’s thoughts came to a halt when the ringing in their room suddenly changed. The immobile figure of Yuuji suddenly yanked; his body heaved. His chest beated drastically and the beeping on his monitor increased. Sukuna’s soul almost left his body. Something was happening to his brother and he wasn’t sure if he could do anything about it.
With shaking limbs, Sukuna pushed himself up to closely investigate the shaking of the bed. He couldn't get a sight of blood nor any other liquids flowing out of Yuuji's delicate body, but if the latter was uncontrollably quivering, there must be something wrong right?
Find it.
Search for it. Mend it.
Don't let him go through this pain again.
In spite of endless anxiety and worry, Sukuna did his best to observe every intravenous medication and other supportive care pinned in Yuuji's skin—then something caught his eyes. The long oxygen tube supporting the pinkette had gone bent. The airway had been congested and Yuuji couldn't even voluntarily open his mouth.
His brother was suffocating.
"Fuck. Fuck. No—Yuuji."
Sukuna's body hurted. It ached everywhere and his joints began to sting, but he had to move. He had to do something to save him. The way Yuuji did, twice, when he saved him.
The remaining tears spilled out of Sukuna's eyes when he forcefully pushed himself up to rise from the bed. His bunk created a horrendous creaking sound as Sukuna tried to stretch his hands and reach to the other side.
But it wasn't enough. He had to stand up. This time, he had to reach him.
He’d burn the whole world before he’d let Yuuji tremble his way to death.
Sukuna’s body felt heavy but he persistently drove his feet to reach the floor. He hurriedly waved his blankets away and stood up. Sukuna wasn’t even aware he was shuddering from panic; that he was moving so fast that he didn’t notice his own nasal cannula tugging out of his snout, and his nose bled. The blood started dripping from his philtrum, to his mouth, clothes, and down to the floor. But Sukuna couldn't find it inside him to care--not when the heart line on Yuuji’s monitor kept singing like a flock of wild birds.
"Haauuhh…." Sukuna breathed but the air came out harsher than it used to.
He had one job to do. He had to fix the tube and everything would be okay. He could do it. He could make it right. He would try.
After 38 years, Sukuna finally had the chance to see his brother up close again. Everything about Yuuji looked old and different yet felt the same. He was still so, so beautiful in Sukuna’s eyes.
When his hand at long last came in contact with the plastic tube, he immediately plucked it and fixed it. He straightened it accurately the way he knew it was supposed to. But the moment he was done, his knees suddenly gave up and Sukuna fell on the deck. His eyes widened in surprise from the impact and he got dizzy. He tried to get up once again but… he couldn’t move his legs. Everything happened too fast-too soon.
He needed someone… anyone. Sukuna turned to his left and saw the nurses’ button, but it was too far. He didn’t have the capacity to ring it anymore.
“Haaauu-ng-ha… haaa…”
Sukuna wasn’t crying anymore but the way his heart cramped made him feel out of breath. Without anything else worth looking at, his eyes insisted on staying focused at Yuuji until everything slowly churned and began to blur.
He could still hear the fast beeping of a monitor but he couldn’t identify if it was his or Yuuji’s anymore. Sukuna wished it wasn’t his brother’s. He begged and begged, and begged that it was his. He wasn’t sure if he managed to stop his brother from shaking because his torso and arms became numb too.
Ahh…. I don't know if I did it right.
Something shiny glistened against Sukuna’s pupils when he attempted to blink his petrified eyes. Sukuna wanted to smile but he couldn’t anymore. He wanted to thank Megumi for giving Yuuji such a beautiful ring he could never give him. That despite the wrong feelings he felt for his husband, Megumi would still hear his words and forgive him.
Sukuna was losing his ability to grasp reality. Everything he confessed earlier started coming back to him, hunting him. For the very first and last time, he wished Yuuji had heard him—even in his dreams—but he knew the latter didn't have the ability to. No matter how much he pleaded, he knew Yuuji wouldn't magically move and wake up.
Rather, the pinkette pulled his limited strength to raise an arm up and placed it atop of Yuuji's statue hand, feeling the little warmth oozing off the skin of his brother.
Sukuna's eyes were beginning to drop and his chest hurted like hell, yet he still managed to caress Yuuji's skin like it was made of marble. With all his love and the little time he had left, he softly pinched Yuuji's thumb, hoping that when the latter woke up, he would see their hands intertwined and know Sukuna never gave up on him. He wanted to, but just couldn't ever do.
In hopes Yuuji knew that if he'd be given a chance, he'd never make the same mistake again.
In hopes he'd realize that the physical intimacy he did in the past was unforgiving but the solely—only thing true.
In hopes he could feel that Sukuna never stopped thinking of him and loved him until the end.
“Your head’s all right now. Just make sure to take your-”
“Who was on the other bed?” Yuuji cut her off. His eyes remained glued on the bunk beside him: sheets cleaned, a pillow on top, and the blanket properly folded.
It was the question he’d been asking everyone who’d come inside his room but could never get a proper answer. No one wanted to answer him. No one knew why he felt lonelier than he ever did in his life before.
“Who was with me?”