Work Text:
Before the shoot starts. Patrick Stump (PS) is putting on the white coat over his shirt.
PS: Wow. (straightening the coat) Is this, like a real white coat?
STAFF 1: (O.S.) Yeah, it’s borrowed.
Pete Wentz (PW) shows up in his patient gown, looking a little uneasy.
PW: Hey, is it supposed to be this short?
PS: (turns to look at PW) I think it’s fine.
PW: Really? It isn’t even down to my knees. (Looks down at his legs) What size is this anyway?
DIRECTOR: It looks okay.
(cut)
PW sits on the exam table with hands on the table edge. PS nervously stands behind him with hands behind him, ready to support him if he falls backwards. STAFF 2 stands on the other side of the table, one hand on PW ’s back and the other on his near shoulder.
STAFF 2: Okay let’s get you to lie back all comfy…
PW: (shifts on the table, half lies down slowly with elbows supporting him) Wait, wait. (Stops) Am I supposed to put my leg first-
STAFF 2: (hastily) No, no it’s okay, we can help you later-
PW: (interrupts) Wait. Sorry. Do-do I keep my shoes on? Or do I take ’em off…
DIRECTOR: (O.S.) Uuuhhh… leave them on, Pete. Leave the shoes on.
PW: Okay. Um. (Lies down slowly until his back touches the exam table) Okay, now I’ve gotta put my legs… (lifts his right leg first but kicks the leg support by accident, and growls in pain) Ow! Okay, wait. I’ll just get my legs-
STAFF 2: (lifts PW’s left leg up to the leg support and guides his foot into the foot rest) There. Is that okay? (Adjusts PW’s left foot a little)
PS helps secure PW’s right leg in the same way.
PW: (laughs quietly and awkwardly) This feels weird.
STAFF 1 brings PW a blanket.
PS: You okay, man? (Leans in to look at PW and helps pull the blanket over his lap)
PW: (nods) Yeah.
(cut)
DIRECTOR: (O.S.) -3, 2, 1, action!
PS: (pulling a glove over his right hand) Okay, let’s just take a look.
PW: (cracks up) pfffha.. Sorry, sorry! okay, try again. (straightens face)
(cut)
PS: Okay, let’s just take a look-
PW: (laughing even before the line finishes) Oh my God, sorry,
PS: (frustrated laughing) Pete!
PW: (uncontrollable laughing) We can't even get past the first line, Jesus. Oh my God. Sorry.
PS: (breathes in deeply to resume a serious expression)
(cut)
DIRECTOR: (O.S.) Hey Patrick? Try looking into the camera a bit when you say the first “here”.
PS: (pauses with his right hand under PW’s blanket and looks up) Really? Just the first one?
DIRECTOR: (O.S.) Yeah, try that. Aaaaaaand, action!
PS: So… (appears to be examining between PW’s legs) if you were a woman, some politicians would like to control your body here,- (raises his eyes to look at the camera) -and here…(looks back down, shifting his hand) right here, aaand, here.
PW: (flinches a little)
DIRECTOR: (O.S.) -And cut! That was a good one, Patrick! (sounds impressed and excited) We’re doing just one more. It was good.
PS: (Looks apologetically at PW) Sorry, man. You Okay?
PW: (Smiles) Yeah, I’m fine. (Grimaces) Your hands are actually really cold, though.
PS: Urh, Sorry. (makes a sympathetic face)
(cut)
PW: (grave expression) No no no, your hands are cold.
PS: (pauses) Oh. (chuckles) Sorry. (Withdraws his hand)
PW: You’re very gentle, though.
PS: (smiles) Well, I’ve been told… (cracking up) -wait! Sorry!
PW: (burst out laughing, and slaps the exam table with his left hand) Goddamn it! That was so close!
The entire crew is heard laughing.
PS: (fiercely laughing) I am so, so sorry. Your face was so serious!
PW: (Laughs and half yells) It’s a serious line!
PS: I know- I know! Sorry! Do it again!
(cut)
PW: -Very gentle, though.
PS: (smiles awkwardly) Well, I’m told that, yeah. (nods and smiles)
PW and PS gaze at each other smiling. In Silence.
Then after a few seconds, both burst into laughter again.
Laughter of the crew fills the room.
PS: Where’s the cut! I was waiting for the cut! (exasperated)
DIRECTOR: (moves into the frame and bends over with laughter) That was really awesome, guys. Well done!
STAFF 1 and STAFF 2 rush to PW to help him lower his legs, while PS hurries behind him to help him up into sitting position.
(cut)
PW: (standing, still in the patient gown, saying to the camera) And that’s a wrap for us. (shrugs, and then gives two thumbs up to the camera)
PS: (standing on PW’s right) It’s gonna be a great ad. (raises eyebrows and smiles sweetly)
PW: (turns to PS and grabs his left arm with both hands) Dude, you nailed it!
PS: (smiles excitedly) Aww you too. (pats PW’s hands) That was awesome!
Both look at each other and laugh, yet again.
(end)