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“Summer is over and no one knows what to do
touching your skinny shoulder, inside your room
now it’s getting colder, the only warmth I have is you
you might think it’s pneumonia but that just isn’t true
no, it’s not that at all, it’s my heart, it’s turning blue”
Sylvie had been on the run for almost her whole life. She remembered every single place she visited but, paradoxically, she didn’t remember her own home. She had flashes of memories, of course. She knew the color of her mother’s hair was light-blonde, her eyes were deep blue and she was kind, and beautiful. But she didn’t have any memories with her, she only knew this because her father told stories about her. She did remember the last time she saw Thor, her brother. They were fighting about something silly that she had no memories of anymore and their father yelled, trying to fix things.
«I hate you!» she shouted, at both of them.
That was the last thing she said. And after that, the chaos. The day the TVA took her was the day she remembered the most in her childhood. But mostly she remembered the terror she felt, the fear of being apart from her loved ones, well knowing that she would’ve never been able to see them again.
“I’m sorry, Thor” she whispered to herself right before Ravonna took her. Her brother never listened to that phrase. But she hoped that, deep down, he knew she loved him fondly.
That was Sylvie’s past. Nothing but sorrow, regret and blurry memories of her quite happy childhood. After some time she became used to hiding herself. Apocalypses and chaos became her home. She always left everything behind, everywhere she went. Every person she liked, or even fell in love with, was destined to die in the apocalypse she was hiding in. And the worst thing was that she knew it but she couldn’t do anything about it.
There was one girl, Natalie. She was just a young, farmer girl, living with her dad in their farm in Weymouth, in England, a quite small city forgotten by the world. It was the beginning of autumn of 1824. Natalie had smooth, long, brown hair and a soft smile. Her eyes were dark and glowing at the same time. She was no one. Nothing important. Her life didn’t have any impact on the future. And the universe wouldn’t have remembered her. But Sylvie did. She remembered the moments they spent together, swimming naked in the sea at night in the beautiful beaches of Weymouth. She remembered their first kiss — Sylvie’s first kiss ever —, exchanged under the stars.
«You look beautiful» Sylvie whispered, caressing her cheek.
Natalie smiled. And Sylvie felt a weight on her chest thinking that in a few weeks, that nice face and that soft smile wouldn’t have existed anymore. They would’ve been torn apart from the hurricane that was about to come, the Great Storm of 1824. And even though Natalie didn’t know about that, Sylvie could still see some sort of melancholy in Natalie’s eyes. Maybe because she knew that Sylvie was evasive, mysterious and she would’ve never stayed with her forever.
One day, while Natalie’s father was away, they sneaked in his room.
«Let me try something!» Natalie had said. And Sylvie just let her do whatever she was planning. She knew that Nat was a curious girl full of surprises.
She took some of her father’s clothes from his wardrobe and looked at them. It was a grey shirt, with a pair of brown pants and a jacket. Nothing special, very simple. But it sure would fit well with someone light-haired.
«It would suit you a lot. I’ve been thinking about this for days!» she was smiling widely. «What do you think? Do you want to try it?»
Sylvie wasn’t completely convinced, but seeing Natalie so happy and cheerful about it, she just decided to give it a try.
She got undressed and felt a bit embarrassed. Not because she was naked in front of her, they had already seen each other naked, but because there was something very intimate about letting her touch those parts of the body she didn’t like, like the chest, especially that.
«It’s okay» Natalie said, caressing her cheek. She took a large tape and started binding Sylvie’s chest, trying to not make it too tight. She took the shirt and buttoned it up. Sylvie stood there, letting Natalie do it all. The young girl decided that she would even look better with a waistcoat and a tie. When she finished, she took some of her hair and tied them in a half-up bun.
She looked at her and smiled widely.
«You look amazing» she said. «Take a look.»
She brought her near the mirror and Sylvie could look at her in that moment.
Wow.
She looked good, she really liked it. Actually, she loved it. Because she never thought about any of it. She always felt different, even when she was just a child. But she never tried to question her identity. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she was just too little to realize. And after all the time spent hiding in the apocalypses, she always felt like she didn’t have time to think, just to act.
«I look good.»
Natalie smiled and kissed her softly on the lips. «You do.»
They put her father’s clothes back on his wardrobe. But Natalie told her to keep the tape. Sylvie smiled. She smiled because she knew that she understood she had loved it.
That night, they made love in the hayloft, trying to not be caught by Natalie’s father. They laughed slightly after that, with a typical awkwardness of a first love.
Natalie put her head on Sylvie’s naked chest and closed her eyes while listening to her heartbeat.
«If you could go anywhere in the world, or in the universe—» Sylvie said. «Where would you go?»
Natalie stayed silent for a few seconds, thinking about it. «In the whole universe?»
Sylvie nodded.
«I would go anywhere. I would want to visit every place that exists» she said with an excited voice.
That excitement made Sylvie’s heart break.
«And I would— I would go to a place where this » she gestured to the two of them. «Where being us is normal» the joy in her voice was gone and there was just a sort of bitterness.
Sylvie took her face between her fingers and kissed her passionately. They smiled between the kisses.
«What about you?» Natalie asked. «If you could go anywhere... where would you go?»
Sylvie smiled bitterly and lowered her head. «I don’t know...»
She had already seen all sorts of places in the universe. «I guess, if I could, I’d go home. I’d go somewhere and find...» she closed her eyes and shed a tear. «Peace.»
Without even realizing that, some part of her face started to become blue . Literally blue. She looked terrified when she saw that Natalie froze.
«It’s— it’s my skin, I just— when I get cold my skin just does that, it’s not pneumonia, it’s just...» None of it was true, but she didn’t know what to say, how to explain it all.
But Natalie probably believed it, or maybe she didn’t want to know. She saw Natalie smiling, drying her tears with her fingers and squeezing her cheeks. And as soon as Natalie’s hands touched her face, she became pink again.
«I know you don’t want to talk about your past and I respect that» Natalie said, laying down on Sylvie’s body again. «I don’t really know who you are nor where you come from or where you’ll go. I don’t care if— when you’ll leave me, because...»
She got up just to look at Sylvie in the eyes. « I love you » she said, shedding a tear. There was so much sadness in her voice, because it was like she knew . Maybe she didn’t know she was destined to die. But she knew that Sylvie couldn’t say she loved her back. Not because she didn’t, because she did love her, but because if she said those words out loud, it would’ve been a lot more difficult to leave. So she just smiled and kissed her softly.
Natalie put her face on Sylvie’s chest and Sylvie hugged her tight, as if something would’ve made her slip her away if she didn’t hold her enough.
«You’re the first person...» Sylvie said. «The first person I care about in a long time. That’s all you have to know about me.»
Natalie smiled and she started to caress her hips with her fingers. «You know, Sylvie, I don’t even care if you’re a woman or a man. I wouldn’t have cared if your name was Thomas and had beautiful short, blond hair» she said laughing and Sylvie laughed too. «I would’ve loved you anyway. You are an incredible person and that’s enough for me. You gave me the best time of my life.»
Those words, even though Natalie couldn’t know at the time, stuck with Sylvie forever. And, suddenly, it was like a huge wave just hit her in the face. Because it was the first time someone saw her not as a woman, but as a person . Long hair, short hair, chest or anything at all, that didn’t matter to Natalie because she loved her unconditionally for who she was — not a woman or a man, not a variant destined to be pruned, not even a frost giant, just a person. And that was the first time she — or they — started to think about that.
The day after, Sylvie was gone. They didn’t say farewell, no goodbye kisses were exchanged. She left everything behind. Just a short note stayed with Natalie, that was all Sylvie left.
When she read it, she cried. Because she knew she would’ve left her, but she hoped Sylvie would’ve taken her away with her anyway. But she didn’t. So she took the note and squeezed it tight to her chest, because the only thing that was left of Sylvie was that note. And she thought that if she held that piece of paper tight, she could’ve still felt her presence. She sobbed uncontrollably for the rest of the day. And even the days after that.
When the Great Gale came, it was the twenty-two of November 1824. Nothing was spared. The little bay in Weymouth was razed to the ground. And the little note of the two lovers flew away with the wind.
Natalie didn’t exist anymore. But her memory stayed in Sylvie’s mind for the rest of her life. And that mattered, didn’t it? Humans are mortal, they live and they die and they are forgotten. But when they’re gone, someone will remember them and that memory will keep them alive.
But all the sorrow, the pain, that stayed alive too. So Sylvie ran, they ran as far as they could, as fast as they could. As if she could leave her sorrow behind too. But she couldn’t. Something they were never able to run away from, was themselves.
Because when you’re on the run, hiding yourself in apocalypses, you know that everything you become attached to will one day disappear, but not her, not them. And that was the worst part, not leaving the people you start to love or the places, but being stuck with yourself.
They started binding their chest like they did the first time with Natalie. Not because it reminded them of her, well, not only because of that. But because they liked it, because they felt good in it. They never questioned it much, even because she didn’t even know what question she should ask herself.
Who am I?
What am I?
Those were questions they stopped asking themselves a long time ago, when the TVA took them as a little child and treated them like some sort of criminal. And after some time, after all the grief, it became okay. It was still difficult and they were never good, but they were okay. And that was enough. Because she didn’t want peace anymore. She needed revenge, she needed to know who made her life the way it was. Peace could only come after that.
When they first met Loki, it was like looking at themselves in the mirror. Not because they looked alike in some ways. No, they had different hair color, different shapes and eyes. But she could see herself in him. And she guessed that Loki could see themselves in her, too. Loki called her the “female variant” multiple times. And that pissed her off so much. But when she asked them to stop using that term, they actually did. Was it because he could understand her in that way too? She kind of knew that Loki got her. They still couldn’t trust each other, because Lokis can’t trust, but they try to, at least.
When they were in the Void and as soon as they were alone, Loki showed her something. He moved his hands and after a glowing green surrounded his body, there was no Loki anymore.
Well, there still was, but it wasn’t as Sylvie used to see them. They had long, dark hair and a beautiful red lipstick. Her dress was green and gold, the usual colors of Loki. Sylvie was amazed. They smiled at Loki.
«Wow. You look really good as a girl.»
Loki smiled and they shapeshifted into their original form. «I was not a woman before, and I am not a man now. I am both, or neither. It depends.»
Sylvie nodded. «Sorry» they replied. She wasn’t used to all of that. She didn’t know all the things Loki did. «So you can shapeshift» they said, with amazement in their eyes.
Loki smiled. «Well, you’ve got your enchanting tricks and I’ve got mine.»
Sylvie smiled back and lowered her head. Loki could feel a sense of melancholy in her look. Maybe regret? Or envy? He put a hand on their back and she thought he wanted to comfort her, so she got away instinctively.
«It’s okay» Loki said, putting his hand on her back again.
After a few seconds, that pressing weight she had on her torso was gone. They didn’t feel any difference immediately, but when they touched their chest, she saw that the tape she used to wrap and tighten her chest was gone. And, big surprise , even though the binding wasn’t there anymore, their chest stayed flat.
She looked at Loki with a surprised look on her face. He smiled gently.
«You looked like you needed a break.»
Sylvie smiled and looked away, her eyes became wet but she tried not to cry. They felt as if a huge weight was lifted from their chest. And it wasn’t just because of the binding that caused her difficulty to breathe. It was as if they were breathing for the first time in their whole life. They took some of their hair and tied it as a half-up bun, the way Natalie liked it. And it felt good again. It felt so good and so right.
And even though Loki didn’t want to let her know that he saw her crying, they lowered their head and said: «It’s not about shapeshifting, you know?» he said. «It’s about who you are. Even when I don’t shapeshift in a woman, I still feel this way. I am still that Loki. Every version of myself is Loki.»
«I am not a Loki» she said.
«I know, you’re Sylvie» they smiled at her. « And you can be whoever, whatever you want to be. »
He smiled wider, thinking about his old friend who told him the same sentence. Because Mobius saw something in Loki, he knew him well, maybe better than anyone ever did. And Loki wanted Sylvie to know that he got her, that they could see each other as a friend who got them.
In that exact moment, Mobius passed by, waving at both of them. Sylvie let their hair down, trying to cover their chest. She was afraid to be seen like this. She didn’t want anyone to look at her that way. They didn’t want people to despise them anymore.
But Loki stopped her and fixed her hair. «He knows who you are just fine. Who we are. And you look pretty.»
Loki shapeshifted, turning again into a long, dark-haired person with a beautiful lipstick on their lips. She waved back at Mobius, trying to prove to Sylvie that Mobius did know this part of them too. Mobius smiled and looked at her while blushing. He got away just after that and Loki shapeshifted.
«He likes you» Sylvie said.
Loki smiled.
«Oh God, you’re blushing!»
«I’m not!»
They started laughing and nudging each other, like two siblings arguing and fighting for fun.
«Thank you» she said, sniffing.
She looked away, at that desolate landscape they were looking at. She smiled. It was desolate and void, but they had seen worse. She had seen apocalypses everywhere she went. They had seen death and destruction. But for the first time, maybe in a while, even in a desolate place like that, they felt hope.
Loki looked at her with a confused face, noticing her big smile.
«What are you so happy about?» they asked.
Sylvie smiled bitterly. «There was a person, she—» they stopped for a second, trying not to break at the only mention of her name. «Natalie . She would’ve loved to see this place. She would’ve liked you» they said, smiling and lightly nudging him.
Loki smiled, too.
«She would’ve loved to see me like this» she said, looking at herself. «The real me.»
For a second, she closed her eyes and it was like they could see her smile again. She remembered the swimming, the laughs, the love. They never opened up with someone after that. At the time she was still young and too naive. And for a second, it seemed like she could see again the note they wrote to her a long time ago, the day she left. She remembered every word. Just like she remembered every detail of the person she wrote the letter to.
She brought her hands to her chest, feeling tears shedding through her cheeks. They had to destroy the TVA, they had to find who was behind it all. Because if there was a universe where Sylvie stayed with their parents, maybe there was a universe where she wouldn’t have had to leave Natalie.
And she would’ve found it. They wanted to find that universe. And tell Natalie the words they never had the courage to say out loud.
“I wish I could take you with me. I can’t. But you made me so happy like no one else will ever do. I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. I’m a coward. But I wanted our last moment together to be beautiful, not sad. Remember me. I will remember you.
And if you’re wondering... I do. I love you too, Natalie.
Goodbye.
Yours, Sylvie.”
“Summer is over and no one knows what to do
touching your skinny shoulder, inside your room
now it’s getting colder, the only warmth I have is you
you might think it’s pneumonia but that just isn’t true
no, it’s not that at all, it’s my heart, it’s turning blue”