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Somebody once told him the world was gonna roll him, and the big green ogre Kern wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
And then a magic talking watermelon rolled into his swamp, bringing its magical watermelon friends with her. So the big green Kern had to yell at the idle watermelons that somehow littered around his swamp, “GET OUTTA ME SWAMP!”
The big green Kern found out to get rid of the magic watermelons, he had to save the blueberry princess who was trapped in the highest tower, guarded by a great big dragon named Alfred, and demons called "Lauren's Trauma" or "Lauren's Crippling Depression".
When the big green Kern got to the tower, he saw the blueberry princess and said, “How are you the blueberry princess when your a redhead officer?”
And the blueberry princess replied, “How are you a big green ogre that saved me and will make me swoon in the future when you got no cake, you lowly subordinate.”
“I got cake,” he mumbled. And to prove it, he pulled his pants down and shoved the flat green cakes to her. “I know, it’s lovely. A lot of my fans think so too.”
The big green Kern carried the blueberry princess back to his swamp...and then he ate her. She tasted like a blueberry.
He also ate the watermelons in his swamp for the next three months. He got tired of eating watermelons so he tried eating some sandwiches he stole from a wandering piano boy, followed by a snake.
The sandwiches were actually poisoned meant to kill the piano boy and instead killed the big green Kern. It did piss the hot and attractive snake, but she decided to run away with her equally hot and attractive princess.
The end.
Moral of the story: William lives.