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Dream doesn’t remember a part of his childhood that he thinks could’ve caused the way he coped now as an adult. Before he had actually known what it was he had just internally described it (if he even did describe it, most of the time he had been pretty oblivious to the fact that it was even happening) as a soft feeling, warm in every sense of the word.
When he felt stressed about college work he had felt that same fuzzy feeling creep into his mind, things felt simpler, like black and white.
But then he found the word for it. Age regression. And suddenly it wasn’t just warm.
Because now it had a word, a meaning. And Dream wasn’t just stressed about college work, instead he had so many things to worry about. The overwhelming job of being at the popularity he was, cancel culture terrifying him into believing that all of this hard work could go down the drain in a second.
He liked being Dream, he loved the friends he had gained, the financial security.
But this also meant that the stress he felt before couldn’t even compare.
The warm feeling he felt when he felt smaller, softer, also made his emotions expand larger. Thoughts felt smaller, sure, but sadness felt like an ocean, anger felt like a war, and anxiety felt like a tsunami.
But.
But happiness felt like the sun, something he couldn’t describe as delicate, because it truly pushed his whole mind over in it’s tide. And when he woke up from the feeling he felt at peace.
That’s why he didn’t stop, even when he felt ashamed of it, even when he had to lock his door, give a lame excuse to Sapnap, hide away and look at a fun cartoon and play with his soft animals.
Dream wishes he could tell Sapnap, because Sapnap loves him. Had been his devoted companion since they were young, since this all started. Had gone from defending him from a stray bully here and there in school, to defending him publicly in front of millions. Because he believed in him, trusted that Dream told the truth, that he would do the same for Sapnap.
So why was it so hard? He knew it was a healthy coping mechanism. But he also knew that he was terrified of Sapnap leaving him, terrified of him seeing Dream in a different light. Dream didn’t have a problem with being vulnerable, especially not in front of Sapnap. But this was different, this was something that affected him more than he could admit. This was deeper.
So he didn’t bring it in up, just let the months pass as he grew his collection of stuffed animals and kept the lock on his door turned.
One day, he felt especially young. It wasn’t for a specific reason, just a buildup of frustration in general. He usually kept to his room when he felt like this, but he really wanted a Capri sun, like, really badly.
He had paused his episode of My little Pony, (he never thought he would be watching that as a, well, physically 21 year old) and crept in his own damn house like a thief.
Maybe he was. Stealing from Sapnap’s endless supply of trust for him. Dream knocked away the guilt like a bug on his shoulder before it could escalate.
When he got to the kitchen he opened the fridge and grinned at the sight of the juice. Peach? Yum. He was fully prepared to scurry back to his room when he hears the telltale sound of sapnaps footsteps, coming to the kitchen.
A handful of anxiety and handbook of curse words shoots through his mind. This was ridiculous. They were grown adults. But the thing is, he didn’t feel like one. Instead he felt like he was getting caught with a hand in the cookie jar.
“Dream?”
Confused and a little surprised, Sapnap stood in his tired looking glory by the doorway. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a soft looking hoodie. Not much unlike Dream’s own outfit.
His tongue felt like goop, like useless weight in his mouth.
“You hungry? Was thinking of making some noodles or something.”
Sapnap either didn’t notice the lack of response, or assumed Dream had nodded in one while he was looking away towards the clock on the wall.
Dream should’ve just walked back to his room, should’ve unpaused the episode he was watching and sipped his damn juice, but he also kind of felt like being around his best friend. He’d been so caught up in keeping his regression secret that he’d forgotten to relax around him.
The unfortunate side effect of his age regression was his lack of rationality. So even though he should’ve went back, he wanted to stay.
So that’s what he did. He sat down in one of the chairs by the kitchen table.
“Sure.”
Dreams voice was soft, not unlike the one he had when he was tired.
Sapnap smiled at him, or at the accepted food offer in general. And got to boiling the water.
It was silent, aside from the ac whirring from somewhere in the room. Dream was suddenly glad he put on the warm hoodie. He rubbed his arm at the thought. Soft, and nice.
It didn’t take long for Sapnap to cook the noodles, adding some basic spices fo it. He was obviously looking for something filling rather than a five star meal. Dream thought about Sapnap as a chef, maybe with a big chef hat on. He giggled.
Sapnap turned around.
“What’re you laughing at, man?”
He was smiling at him though, like he knew the joke would be funny before he even heard it.
Dream smiled back automatically, couldn’t help it. Sapnap’s smile was always warm like the sun. Always felt like his sun-ray energy forced him to smile as well.
“Nothing!”
His voice was higher, and his left leg jumped out in pure energy. Sapnap snorted at him, but played along. Dutifully turning around to rip open the noodle packages. He poured them all in, and turned down the heat.
He went to the large fridge and got himself a coke, turning around towards Dream he asked while biting at a nail,
“Want a coke? We have some energy drinks as well.”
“I already have a drink!”
Dream grinned as grabbed his Capri sun and proudly showed it. Sapnap looked at him blankly, but nodded anyways.
Dream ripped off the straw on the back, but had a hard time putting it in the little plastic hole. He felt frustrated, and his eyebrows furrowed in response.
Sapnap couldn’t help but ask,
“Do you need some help with that, buddy?”
The buddy wasn’t said in a way you would say it to a child, more of a pal, bro, kind of way. But to Dream it was a little embarrassing how affected he felt by it. Brain cells huddling closer, packing their bags, and taking a private plane out of his existence for the moment.
He nodded hazily, shoving his both hands, one with the juice pack and the other with the straw towards Sapnap.
“Yes, please.”
It was unusual behaviour, but Sapnap was endeared enough to comply.
He easily took out the straw of it’s plastic (Dream had been too nervous and small to even notice he hadn’t taken it out) and shoved it in.
“There you go.”
Dream smiled brightly as thanks.
Sapnap went back to the pot of steaming noodles to take them off the heat, and then put them into two bowls. He walked back to the table and sat them down. He had grabbed a few extra napkins for himself because he knew he, embarrassingly, was a messy eater when it came to food like this.
Dream was in a bit of dilemma, the smaller side of him was excited to eat, but the big, very frazzled side of him that was slowly getting choked out knew that this couldn’t end well. Dream wasn’t a messy eater when he was big, but unfortunately he couldn’t even open a damn Capri sun right now.
Dream childishly thought to himself that he was kind of a super spy right now, on a secret mission to not get found out.
He grabbed the fork and dipped it into the noodles, spun it and brought it to his mouth.
He immediately flinched away though, because it was hot. Very hot.
“Ow!”
Sapnap, spooked out of his thoughts, looked over to see Dream holding his hand to his mouth.
“Dumbass, it’s still hot.”
Dream knew Sapnap didn’t know. He knew that. But at the same time he selfishly hated that Sapnap could say that to him when he was so clearly not ‘big guy’ Dream right now.
He considered himself a freakin’ trooper as he fought back tears. He took a second to pull himself back to earth to think clearly, it was hard, but Dream firmly reminded himself that he had to blow on the noodles, and take a sip of his drink to cool his tongue. So that’s what he did.
He thought he was doing well eating slowly and like an adult until he heard Sapnap chuckle.
“You got something on your face, little man.”
And there was a joke in there, some sort of sarcasm because Dream was actually the big man here, but he couldn’t feel that. He just felt himself go deeper and deeper into the dizzy warmth.
He didn’t go to remove it, instead stared at Sapnap with big eyes, so Sapnap grabbed one of his unused napkins to wipe away the sauce around his lips.
It was then that Sapnap realised that something was…wrong. He had been so caught up in the paternal feeling that he was just now thought about the fact that it was weird that he was feeling that way. Paternal. Dream was grown, so why was he acting so…
Small?
Dream knew he was doing something wrong, he just couldn’t figure out what. All he knew was that he wasn’t supposed to be like this around Sapnap, and he should go back to his room. But then he felt the feeling of a napkin on his face, a loving face staring back at him, and god, he was weak. Weak and lonely.
But Sapnap put the napkin down. And looked Dream right in the eye clearly.
“Dream, what’re you doing?”
He blinked, and suddenly he was crying. Crying like a baby as his best friend stared at him with something like horror.
“Hey! Hey! Dream, dude, buddy, whats wrong?”
He went around to Dream, put a hand on his back and rubbed is to comfortingly and so so sapnap of him. He craved it, needed to be grounded.
“I’m sorry! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”
Hysterical and unsure. Child-like and devastated. There it was, the deepest thought he held about it. Because what was wrong with him?
His hands were shaking as they raised to rub at the tears running down his red cheeks.
Sapnap felt helpless, this wasn’t normal. Dream was sobbing like a child, was curling in on himself like he was being scolded. Unsure, he kneeled infront of Dream, and softly grabbed his hands down from his face.
“Dream,”
It was a whisper, something opposite of strong, but it spoke volumes. Sapnap sounded scared.
“I think we need to talk about this.”
And Dream felt like he was drowning. Like he had a fever; dizzy, warm, and so, so out of place in his body.
“Okay.”
It was a tiny thing, but it was something.
Sapnap ended up leading Dream to the couch, the other was almost falling like bambi on his shaky legs, and Sapnap felt so sad for his best friend, because surely something horrible was happening for his brother to be breaking down like this?
“Okay, so, I’m a little lost to be honest. But I need to ask, are you on drugs?”
Dream gaped at him, and the offence was clear in his voice, “No! I’m not on drugs!”
“I’m sorry! I didn’t think so, I just needed to ask. Sorry.”
He bit his lip, looking ever so lost. Dream needed to give some sort of response.
“Sometimes I..sometimes I feel…different.”
It was a start. Sapnap could’ve weeped in relief. He offered some support to his words.
“Different?”
Dream nodded almost clumsily.
“Yeah, like, small.”
Dream was torn, he was in a half state of regression. Sapnap still looked confused.
“Like, small how?”
Dream realised that Sapnap didn’t know the short words in the agere community, he barely did himself. He didn’t consider himself in it as he didn’t particularly involve himself in it besides being a regressor himself. The screamingly pastel colours and the rare case of seeing the ddlg community pushing weird things into it had made him unable to regress out of pure shame in the beginning of his discovery.
“Small as in, sometimes I feel younger.”
Saying it out loud made him nauseous almost, in fear, in relief. In realisation that this made it more real than it already was.
“Is it a kink?”
“No!”
Dream was quick to deny it. It wasn’t, he hated that there was people that thought it was. Sapnap looked a little relieved.
“Alright. Okay. So why does it happen?”
Dream didn’t notice how his tears had slowed down. He was shaky, sure, but he was responsive.
“It’s a coping mechanism, I think. Sometimes when I get stressed, it just happens, I guess. It’s like a fuzzy feeling that takes over me, well, not like, being possessed or something. It’s just a…feeling. Like a state of mind.”
Sapnap nodded attentively, and there was a desperation in his need to understand. Despite the situation Dream couldn’t help the momentary warmth he felt.
“Is that what you’ve been doing for the past months?”
Dreams eyes went wide, he blinked in disbelief,
“You knew?”
“Well, not exactly. I was gonna borrow your charger since mine was broken that one time. Saw a few cooring books, and like…ten stuffed animals on your floor.”
Dreams face felt hot with humiliation.
“Oh.”
Sapnap reached over for his hand, and rubbed it comfortingly. He seemed to hesitate a second, before he slowly embraced Dream. His hand went to the back of Dreams head to push it into the crook of his neck.
“You know I love you, right?”
And Sapnap could feel Dream tremble with the force of his quiet sobs, could feel his tears slip down and make a sweaty mess against his neck.
“If you’re not hurting yourself, and not doing drugs, why are you so upset, Dream? I’ve known you for years, and no goddamn wonder you do this. You’re under so much stress. If anything I’m happy you found a way to cope, sometimes I,” Sapnap felt himself get a little choked up, had to force away a burn in his throat, “sometimes I feel so…helpless. That I can’t help you. So many people shit on you. I wish I could protect you against everyone and everything.”
Dream held Sapnap close, and he was more big than he had been all night. He was so tired, tired of feeling ashamed, tired of hiding from Sapnap.
“I don’t know where I could’ve been without you, Sapnap. I love you so much.”
His voice broke, and it felt like they were talking to each other in a real way they hadn’t before.
“So..what do you do, when you’re like, small?”
Dream let go in surprise, “uhm, I just like, watch cartoons or something.”
Sapnap grinned, “That’s cute, dude.”
Dream grimaced lightheartedly. But it turned into something shy as he looked down to pick at the thread on his pants.
“You can see my things, or whatever. If you want to.”
Sapnap wanted to, he wanted to see that part of him. His voice was quiet, he didn’t want to accidentally push him into backing out.
“Of course I do.”
Dream stood up first, and something in him; under the anxiety and fear, felt excited. Giddy. He was surprised when Sapnap grabbed his hand he didn’t even know he was holding out towards the raven. They walked together. And the hallways felt taller with his hand gripped in Sapnap’s.
When they got infront of Dream’s room Sapnap stopped, and instead let Dream take the lead in. It was something simple that spoke of how much Sapnap understood that this was difficult for him. It gave him the space to make his own choice. He grabbed the door knob with little to no hesitation. And that spoke of meaning as well.
His room wasn’t particularly messy, the tv that was mounted on his wall showed a paused imagine of pinkie pie. He cringed a little in embarrassment, but Sapnap only smiled softly when he caught Dream looking at him.
He made his way to the bed with an uncountable amount of soft animals, an open colouring book open with a few well used crayons scattered across. The picture in it was of a cat, half finished.
“Pretty drawing.”
Dreams ears were on fire, “Thanks.”
Sapnap sat down next to him and picked up a (more than the others) well loved pony plush.
“Who’s this?”
Dreams eyes lit up at the sight of it, and he shuffled in excitement where he sat.
“That’s rainbow dash. She’s really cool.”
Sapnap gave it to him, but not without giving it a playful pat to the pony’s head.
“Really? We could watch some of the show, if you want to. I’m getting kind of tired.”
He wasn’t, a little sandy eyed, yes, but the reason he had been up in the very first place had been because he couldn’t sleep.
“Sure!”
Dream was more excited than he could let show, except Sapnap wasn’t an idiot and Dream was grinning widely as he pushed his drawing things onto the floor with loud clanks.
“Buddy, don’t push things down.”
Sapnap scolded him lightly. He instead demonstrated by picking some crayons up in his hand and laying them neatly on the bedside table. Dream thoughtfully looked at him before doing the same. Sapnap felt proud.
“Good job.”
Sapnap didn’t know if he had crossed a boundary by not asking first, but it had slipped out quickly and proudly. He was about to not take it back, but rather explain himself.
But Dream only almost knocked them both over with the force of his hug. Sapnap interpreted it as some sort of second thankfulness, but from a younger, more vulnerable Dream. There was a pause before Sapnap spoke up.
“Who takes care of you when you’re..”
“Regressed.” Came a muffled response.
“Regressed. Does anyone help you, like, not fall down the stairs or something?”
Dream giggled at the very real possibility, but fell silent at the question.
“No. Jus’ lonely when I’m small. But I have rainbow dash, and all the other ponies.”
Sapnap held Dream impossibly closer. That burn was back in his throat. Dream, so incredibly kind, generous and loving. So vulnerable and willing to extend his kindness to any lengths; was alone. When he was finished helping others he had to lock himself away to take care of himself, because he was too ashamed to even consider that he didn’t have to be.
“I can take care of you, Dream. You know that right?”
Dream looked at him with stars in his ocean of green.
“Really?”
If Dream had felt bigger, he would’ve told Sapnap that he didn’t have to put that responsibility onto himself. That Dream was fine with being alone. But regressed Dream was a bit more truthful. He wanted a caregiver, wanted to be cared for.
And Sapnap wanted to care for him. Because he knew that he couldn’t just continue to let Dream be all alone when he was a perfectly available person to help. And maybe a part of him felt happy with the idea of caring for the other.
“Yeah.”
He wanted to say that he would support Dream through anything, would defend him to the ends of the earth. Fight for him. Love him with every cell of his existence.
But that was a lot, so instead he said yes to taking care of the most vulnerable part of Dream, it was the least he could do for him.
Dream looked up at him, and he looked like he didn’t know what to say. Big thoughts in a small state of mind. Instead his tears said enough as they forcefully made their way down his cheeks.
“Oh god, um, sorry!”
Sapnap held him tighter again and carded his hands through blond locks soothingly. Dream wasn’t angry, or anything like that. He wanted to say so much, but could only push out a,
“I love you!”
And Dream would have said thank you. Would’ve said that he wouldn’t let just anyone take care of him. He could’ve said so much more.
There was a silence now, and Sapnap doesn’t think they’ve ever hugged this many times since they met for the first time when he arrived in Florida.
“Can we..can we watch My Little Pony?”
A tiny whisper comes from below his chin, and Sapnap kisses Dreams forehead softly in response.
“Of course, little guy.”
It’s so easy to let the nicknames slip, so easy to hold Dream and kiss his forehead. So easy to love him.
He reaches for the remote thankfully next to him and unpauses. Dreams head turns to the sound and grinds his head against Sapnap’s chest as if to come as close as possible. Sapnap strokes meaningless patterns onto his hoodie clad back.
There’s nothing more to say. Dream doesn’t have a lot of words in him. Tomorrow, he thinks, tomorrow he’ll say all those things he isn’t able to word right now.
Dream falls asleep like that. With clouds swimming in his head and a warmth in his body coming from the very core of his heart. He thinks it’s a beautiful thing, the ability to love. And even more beautiful to be loved, fully and unapologetically.