Work Text:
She furrows her eyebrows at the screen in front of her. The form in front of her clearly states, Name:, with a box to input her name.
See, there's the problem right then and there. It's not like she can't read; she can read perfectly well, thank you very much!
The problem is that she hasn't come up with a name yet.
All she really knows is that the name her parents gave her isn't actually hers, and that she's a she.
Other than that? Well..
Then again, you can't give a name to someone who doesn't actually exist.
Don't get her wrong, she absolutely exists. And she'd love to be unapologetic about it, to prance around in the streets and be unapologetically herself without having to worry about anything else.
But [REDACTED] isn't her name anymore. That's not a person. There's no problem with her using that name, but it's just not her name.
She's looking for a new one, something that screams her so badly that she'll know that it's her name.
And that she'll know that it's her.
hello o/
my name's josie, but most people call me JC, so you can call me that, too! i use they/them pronouns. welcome to the server. :)
its nice to meet you!
oh um
hi, yeah, thank you.
actually uh, i... i haven't come up with a name yet, so... all i have are my she/her pronouns.
ooh, still coming up with one? that's alright. do you have something you'd like us to refer to you by?
ahaha honestly? no
i only recently discovered that i'm not... who i thought i was. and i'm not ready to come out because... reasons. but i do want to have a space to explore myself, so i thought, maybe...
you don't have to explain yourself, i get it
it took me a while to get where i am now. so, you're not alone.
it's really nice to hear that
most people name themselves after things that mean a lot to them, like an older family member, something like that. even video game characters. i cannot tell you how many times i've met someone named after the MC of a video game
i digress though
no pressure to stick with it, but, if you have something that means something to you, that could be a temporary thing.
uhm, yeah i guess i could
uhh, i guess someone i look up to is cara? well her name's actually caroline. that doesn't really fit though.
cara/caroline? are you talking about captainpuffy omg lol
oh um. yes actually haha.
i mean. saaaame. hard same. she's cool and spunky. love that
i dont think it's a name that works with me though. i've been having this problem for weeks lol
well, i'm sure you'll figure it out.
nothing wrong with going with a name for now until you find something you like
yeah, um.
i think i'll go by um...
E
no, Em. or M. that sounds alright for now.
Em or M, got it
people can use multiple names too
all the names
anyway, welcome, Em.
let's be friends:)
It's not going to be fine.
If chat doesn't stop telling her that she's a lesbian or an honorary lesbian, she's going to lose it. She stumbles and stutters her way through the response, wondering if she's being outed because there's no way that they'd know. No way. No, no way.
you can't be a lesbian lol
Oh. Yeah. Right.
She tries to not let it affect her. It's okay. This is what you wanted right? For it to stop? For them to stop asking about this. It's like them continuously asking about boundaries, like stop it! I've already spoken about it! Everyone's already spoken about it! Just stop asking me!
... They're right though.
How can you be a lesbian? You're not even--
... Ridiculous.
Then why do you feel phantom tears streaking down your cheeks at the thought of it?
"[REDACTED]."
"[REDACTED]."
"Hey, are you alright, man?"
"What? What? Yes. Yeah, I'm just doing stuff."
"I called your name several times though. Are you sure you're doing alright?" Philza's starting to sound concerned and now he's going to play parent and she's not really ready for that right now.
"I'm alright, yeah. Just distracted," she says, continuing to play bedwars without paying attention to her surroundings. As a result, someone jumps down on her and knocks her off the wool bridge.
"With what?" Philza chuckles. "I can try my best to help."
She looks at the screen, waiting to respawn.
What good is it? What good is all of this? She doesn't like that name. She doesn't really like Em either. It just sounds weird.
If she can't even choose a name, then she might as well not even do anything about it.
"Nah, I'm fine," she lies.
what if i never find a name
what if i never come out
maybe this was a mistake
aw, em...
i don't think i
want to be this anymore
it took me this long to realize this
maybe it's better buried?
like i don't
i think that hiding yourself will just cause more pain down the line
i know it feels helpless right now
you're not out at all, right
no
i'm just on this discord on an alt account
an alt, hm.
it's serious then
is it?
you put work into being here
and i know you're afraid of being yourself
but with us, with this group of lgbt people
with me, i hope
you can be yourself
i know it's scary
but we keep each other's secrets here
and i promise that you're safe here
even if it takes me forever to figure out?
even if it takes you forever
even if you never figure it out
some people never stop figuring out new things about themselves
some people keep changing over time
and that's okay
thanks, JC
it's what i'm here for, em
i know what it's like to be in your shoes
i know how scary it is
but i promise it'll be okay
"How did you discover you liked all pronouns?" Eret hums as they build... whatever they're building. She's just there to cause problems, but Eret's elected to pay attention to their chat. Which is probably the right move.
"Well," Eret says, humming. "I think they're all nice. I don't really think of myself as a person who can be misgendered. When I think of gender, I think of something incomprehensible to me."
"Incomprehensible, huh," she mumbles, mostly to herself, but Eret catches it anyway.
"Yeah, I don't really know her, you know?" They joke. "They, he, she, even xe, um... they're all cool. As long as I know you're referring to me, then I don't care."
"That makes sense."
"And some people just feel comfortable in their pronoun set that society assigned them. That's fine and all. I feel comfortable in he/him. But I also feel comfortable in others. That's really all there is to it."
All there is to it, huh?
He/him was never really something she felt an attachment to. People used it for her all the time, and she just lets it happen. But she saw someone use she/her pronouns for her once, and something just clicked.
Something felt right, for once, when someone used those pronouns for her.
And she's not sure if she ever wants to go back, even if it's the easiest option. It also happens to be the hardest option, in terms of self-inflicted pain.
... She's kind of afraid, but she's getting used to feeling that.
hey, Tubbs, do you want to do me a favor real quick
depends on what it involves. if it involves causing chaos on the dsmp then no
Wow OK how boring
i'm not near my computer right now [REDACTED]
oh uh
actually okay so
i want you to type something for me
uhhhhhhh ok
can you type 3 things about me
????
like, uhm, using he, she, and they
oh uh. okay sure
like, since eret mentioned it. i just wanted to try it. for science obviously
nothing else
that's really it
nothing weird happening here
it's okay you don't have to justify yourself to me, man
it's not weird to want to try them out
i don't think you're weird for this
i think you're weird for a lot of things
but not this
never this
thanks tubbo
okay so
I think she's really cool because she's my best friend and I care a lot about her.
He's kind of a jerk at times, but I know he's like that and I forgive him.
I know it's not been that long but I miss being able to hug them tightly and spend lots of time with them in real life.
wow okay you clingy sap
i take it back
wait wait iwati
okay okay im sorry
thanks
Okay, so she definitely knows now.
He's not... bad. Like she doesn't really hate it, but it doesn't quite fit her. Same with they. They is a cool pronoun, but there's some sort of ... disconnect there.
She, though...
Yeah, she's the right pronoun. She makes her feel validated. She just makes everything make sense.
"What's up?" Wilbur's voice comes through, low and casual. "Need something?"
"Uhm-" She begins.
She didn't really think this out. Not really. But she had just thought...
i think i'm going to come out
oh !!! really
just to one person but yeah
he's um. my brother, basically
like not by blood
but still in a way that matters
and i think he should know
aw thats sweet
i think he'll be cool with it
he supports lgbt stuff so
it'd be weird if he didn't support me
well i wish you good luck
im kinda nervous about it
i know he won't hate me
but what if he does
like that little voice in my head
like it tells me hey, doubt everything you know
yeah i understand that, em
i think you're going to be fine
unfortunately coming out is always going to be scary
at least in my experience
but i believe in you
and i'm here for you, okay?
thanks jc
appreciate it
no problem!
"I kinda need to, sorta want to, tell you something?" It comes out more as a question, but she can't help it. "It's important."
"Of course, [REDACTED]," Wilbur says, trying to be reassuring, but the sound of her deadname doesn't make her feel any better. "Anything for you."
"So, you know how, like," she begins, taking in a deep breath. "I kind of have this thing with people, where fans call me a lesbian?"
"Yeah?" Wilbur hums. "Is that bothering you? Do I need to yell at your chat?"
"No, no, no," she says quickly, waving her hands in the air as if he could actually see that hand movement in real life. "I just thought, you know, well..."
"Lesbians are cool." Wilbur pauses. "I believe you have to be female to be a lesbian though. Or, well, I guess nonbinary people can be lesbians too, right? So you'd have to be... not a man? To uh. Like people that are women. Or, well, I guess that'd-- A lesbian has to be a person who isn't a man, that... likes people that aren't men? I think. I'm trying. But anyway, I don't think that you can really be a--"
"I'm Em!"
A beat drops.
"You're... what exactly?"
"I'm..." Well, Em's a temporary name. "Well, not [REDACTED]."
"What??"
"No, I mean..." She groans. "I'm not-- I'm... I'm a girl. I think. Well, I use she/her pronouns. And I like... the idea of being a girl? Not sure more besides that but..."
She lets out a long breath.
"I wanted you to know."
There's a large moment of silence. She can feel her hands sweating. She knows Wilbur loves her. She knows she does. She knows he's been there for her more times than she can count, when she really needed it. It'd be ridiculous to think something like this would ruin everything that they have together.
... Right?
"Well," Wilbur finally says, voice deep with seriousness. His voice is unreadable and it makes her nervous, though Wilbur hasn't immediately denounced her, so that's something. "I'm... thank you for telling me."
She just nods.
He still can't see it, but it's fine.
"Two questions. First, who else have you told?"
"Uhm," she laughs nervously. "Just... a few people, kind of. Not really. They're strangers on the internet. They don't know who I am."
"Ah, I see," Wilbur says, just what he says when he has no idea what the hell to say. She's in the same boat, really.
"Yep," she says awkwardly.
One hell of a conversation, huh.
"Second question... do you still see me as a brother?"
She swallows thickly. She's.. she...
"Because," Wilbur starts, and he finally breaks, as she hears the way his voice goes hoarse. Is he crying? "Because I still see you as a sibling. I'll always see you as a sibling. And if you're comfortable with that terminology, I'd love to see you as my sister."
"W-wait, really?" Her heart feels like it's floating away. "Do you mean it?" She asks softly.
"Of course," he mumbles. "There's nothing in this world that could make me turn on you. I'm so lucky to know you, my beloved sister."
If she wasn't sitting down, she'd fall onto her knees and sob into her hands. If she wasn't sitting in front of a computer screen talking into her headphones, she'd want to be sitting right in front of Wilbur. If there wasn't this computer screen between them, she'd collapse into Wilbur's arms out of love and relief.
"T-thank you, brother," she gasps out.
"I will cry," he begins, then lets out a small laugh. "I'm already crying. I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and give you a big hug right now."
"Yeah," she says, wiping away a few tears of her own. "Me too."
"So, what's your name?"
"Name?"
"Since I'm assuming you don't want to go by your old name anymore. Maybe I shouldn't assume. Some people keep their names, right?"
She shakes her head. "Well, I don't want that name."
"Okay..." Wilbur says, clearly not understanding. She just laughs, rolling her eyes.
"I actually haven't... come up with a name yet. I've been going by Em online, but I don't particularly care for it."
"Em... like the letter?"
"No, Em as in E-M."
"Ah... names, names, names..." Wilbur thinks for a moment. "What about... Clementine?"
And then something just... clicks.
it went well
oh congrats !!
and also
uh
my brother just thought of something and
he's a genius
i think i found
well i guess we found
i think i have a name now
oh?
yeah, um.
i'm clementine
after the moth?
the thereotical moth, yes
sick, well, nice to meet you clementine!
<3
Clementine...
Okay, it's... not bad. It's not what she was expecting, but the name Clementine has always had a nice, soft ring to it that she's always liked. It's not strange for her to want to take the name for herself right? It's not stealing from the hypothetical moth that she would have named...
Well, the moth doesn't exist, and names aren't unique, so really, it's perfectly fine.
Clementine Innit.
ClemInnit.
She smiles.
This is going to be just fine.
She can do this. She knows she can do this. She has people who understand. She knows there's more to do, and she's still afraid of what's to come.
But that's okay.
Because she's Clementine and she's fine. Because she's Clementine and everything's going to be fine. Because she's Clementine and no one else is. Because she's Clementine and she's not anyone else.
She's just Clementine.
And that's okay.