Work Text:
The content of the handbag got spilled on the bed for the fifth time. Tina checked the pockets, turned them inside out, looked in every crevice. She had already checked all of her clothes in the laundry basket, the seal of the washing machine and had even disassembled the pipes in the kitchen sink and the bathroom. Nothing. It wasn’t on the counter, nor in her box with everything else or in a drawer.
“Shit shit shit! Fuck!”
She wasn’t one to curse usually but this, this was a disaster. She was in such deep shit she didn’t know how she could handle it. Tina sat on the bed and put her head in her hands. All she needed to do was retrace her steps. When was the last time she had seen it? What were the places she had visited? The café near Sunset Boulevard, then Alice had dragged her to a bookstore, then—
Her phone buzzed loudly on the comforter. Tina crossed her fingers for it to be a text, but when it continued insistently, sweat broke down her back. Let it not be Carrie, please, she prayed to whoever was listening to her in that moment. She was such a bad liar, her fiancée would know something was up immediately. One look at the caller ID and her heart sank. She would have preferred it if it was Carrie.
“Hi,” the warm voice greeted her.
Tina closed her eyes for an instant, the distant flutter of something she was trying to ignore taking her by surprise. She could almost see Bette’s smile in her tone. Going back to the art world had done something to her. She had gotten her swag back, but ten times over and her alluring charisma had struck her full force the night before for the grand opening of her gallery. Now was not the time to flinch.
“Hey, Bette. I’m a bit busy at the moment, so—
“I found your ring,” the other woman interrupted her. “Someone found it in the restroom and brought it to me.”
“Really?!”
Relief washed over the blonde and she put her hand over her hammering heart as she fell over on the bed. The cosmos didn’t hate her after all. It was clear suddenly. The night before they had all gone to the gallery for the opening. The place was packed, but she could always spot Bette in the middle of a crowd. Seeing the brunette in her element… it had unsettled her. She had taken a trip to the restroom and the ring must have fallen then.
“Thank God, I thought I had lost it.” She heard the chuckle on the other end and corrected herself. “Well, thank you I mean.”
She pushed on her abs to sit upright and started putting stuff back in her bag distractedly. Something was bothering her. By principle, Bette and her avoided awkward discussions, but this, she needed to know. Tina worried her lip and decided to go for it before the brunette hung up on her.
“I didn’t know you knew what my engagement ring looks like.”
“It’s on your finger,” Bette replied simply.
The implication was clear. Her ex-wife was still observing her. She was still looking, taking in the details, longing. A weird feeling settled in Tina’s stomach and a sudden case of vertigo brought her back down on the bed. The blonde breathed deeply and tried to focus on a stain on the ceiling to stop the spinning. She hadn’t anticipated what Bette would say next.
“It’s a nice ring. The diamond is not too big. She knows your taste.”
Tina could imagine Bette twirling the white gold engagement ring around. She had been to her office. She drew the perfect picture in her mind and it made her sick. The dark-haired beauty in a power suit, looking like a million bucks. She would leaned back in her chair and swivel lazily, in part to catch the different angles of the light on the ring, but also to occupy her body while the cogs in her brain turned wildly.
When Tina didn’t say anything, still attempting to calm the uneasy feeling, she heard Bette straighten up and the little clink of something metallic against her glass desk. Knowing that she was so close to that piece of jewelry… God, she couldn’t pretend to understand how it must feel for her ex-wife.
“Anyway, Angie is supposed to come by after school. Do you want me to give it to her?”
“No, I’ll come and get it myself,” Tina answered quickly.
She hated herself for the desperation in her voice. More than that, she hated herself for wanting to see her. It wasn’t her right anymore, she had made a choice. Yet, she couldn’t fight it. That need. It had started when she had moved back to New York. She had thought she would feel relieved by the distance, but it only grew worse. It was bigger than her, consuming her every thought, all the time, all day long. Bette Bette Bette. She didn’t know how to make it stop, wasn’t sure she wanted it too. Tina had to bite on her hand to stop herself from crying out in anguish. When would she stop feeling that way?
There was a sigh on Bette’s end, then: “Well, I’ll be at the gallery all day, so you know where to find me.”
She was trying to sound casual, but Tina knew better. The dial clicked and silence filled the room once more. The smartphone dropped from her hand, but she lay there a long time. Her mind flashed with memories of another engagement ring, when she had believed it was forever.
It was forever.
Bette would always be there, whether as a memory or as a friend. And Tina wanted her in her life despite everything. You can’t erase more than twenty years of life together and pretend you can move on just like that. She was moving on, but Bette… Bette would always be a part of her. Their story was ingrained in her brain, the passion they once shared was pumping in her veins, all that was Bette was part of her DNA.
Her balance had returned to a stable state and Tina sat up gradually. One pm. She would have to go soon. Carrie was due at four and she didn’t want to have to explain where she had disappeared to.
The blonde producer touched up her makeup and drove to Bette’s gallery. Fate had it that she had renovated an old warehouse in the Arts District. It was fitting. The outside was all brown brick, with a giant mural adorning one of the two sides of the building that faced the street. It was a stylized version of a black woman with an afro singing in a Super 55 microphone. The likeness with Kit was uncanny. Bette had commissioned it to a New York street artist who had the privilege to know her. The other visible side was sober, if not for the elegant sign that read ‘Porter Gallery’ in thin white letters.
By habit, Tina parked her car next to the Tesla. She let herself in through the glass doors and as if on cue, her pulse started quickening. Her body was aware that each step was bringing her closer to Bette and it did a good job at reminding her of it. She barely glanced at the colorful artwork on the walls, a solo exhibition by Trudy Benson. Bette had presented the work along with the artist, whose name Tina was already familiar with thanks to her ex-wife. How weird the things she remembered now when she believed then that she didn’t care… As much as she had tried to remain interested the night before, Tina had found herself looking at her Bette instead of listening to her. That she hadn’t noticed her ring falling off yesterday didn’t come as a surprise.
After a right turn, Tina saw her again, behind the glass partition that marked her office. She had ditched her jacket carelessly on the anthracite couch. The sleeves of her black button-down shirt were rolled up to her elbows and even from where she stood, Tina noticed the black Omega watch that she had gifted her for their fifth wedding anniversary. It never left her wrist it seemed, from the moment she got ready for the day to the moment she took it off to shower.
Her ex-wife seemed focused on a spreadsheet report. She hated staring at a screen for too long—always had, really—so she would print them and make notes with a black marker so she could check on the inconsistencies later. It wasn’t efficient in the least and Tina would often joke that she probably lost seven hours per week with that method. Bette would ignore the snark or tickle her until she would apologize for mocking her. Tina smiled at the memory.
Whether she cast a shadow or Bette sensed her presence, the brunette looked up in that moment and smiled a small smile before gesturing for her to come in. Tina walked awkwardly along the glass wall until she reached the door. She felt Bette’s gaze on her all the way.
“Hey,” she said as a way of greeting. “I’m so sorry to disturb your work."
Wordlessly, Bette stood up from behind her desk and Tina’s mouth went dry. The brunette opened an envelope and retrieved the jewel before moving slowly around the desk. There was something about her that was almost feline like.
It brought Tina back to another time in another place, when she had felt the same anticipation mixed with fear, when she had to lean on the desk just as she was doing now because her knees felt like they would buckle. She could still smell Bette’s perfume, see her short bob, the dark turtleneck shirt. She had been so tall, so impressive! She could remember how her smile had been both smug and uncertain. She didn’t know it was possible. No, not smug, Tina corrected herself mentally. Seductive.
There was no smile on Bette’s lips now. Not even the trace of a smirk at the corner of her lips. Her lips, God her lips! They were standing so close now. She could smell Bette’s new perfume, her hair were so curly, the triangle of skin revealed by the collar of her shirt… Tina swallowed painfully and returned her gaze to the chocolate brown eyes.
“You should be more careful,” the dark-haired woman said not unkindly.
She opened her hand palm up between them. There, against the skin she knew was oh so soft, laid her engagement ring. It hurt her physically to have Bette touch the piece of jewelry. She wanted to spare her the experience somehow, as if the other woman would get burned if she held it for too long. Agonizingly slow, Tina put her hand over Bette’s and closed her fingers around the ring.
She looked up at Bette. This was the moment when she was supposed to trap her hand in hers and lean in for a kiss. Nothing wild or passionate, just a kiss in its purest form. If someone spoke to her now, she wouldn’t be able to hear anything over the pounding in her ears. But Bette’s lips were unmoving, she was just staring. Tina felt a quiet panic creep in. She had come here for that, she realized. She could have gotten the ring from Angie, but she had come herself and now it wasn’t happening. Of course it wouldn’t happen, she was the one that had left. She was… something rushed in Bette’s gaze. She had attempted to stay composed but Tina could see now. There was a fire there, a desire so fierce it threatened to overcome her.
Suddenly, Tina couldn’t resist anymore. She leaned closer and tilted her head up, helped by her heels. Her eyes shut on their own accord when she felt Bette’s shaky breath on her lips, then nothing as her ex-wife sucked in a breath in shock. After that, she only felt softness. Full, perfect softness as their lips sealed in a kiss.
Tina felt it like a jolt of electricity that spread through her. Her body was more alive than it had been in the past three years, the blood pumping faster to and from her heart, the little hair on her arms and the back of her neck standing at full attention, some parts of her body reacting like they only ever reacted to Bette’s presence… She wanted to whimper, but she was scared it would drive her away. And for the longest moment, the dark-haired woman stood frozen, she wasn’t answering her plea. She pressed her lips harder and she sensed it finally. Those delicious pouty lips pushed back against her.
She shut her eyes tighter, willing the moment to last. She didn’t force more than a closed mouth kiss. She just wanted to feel and she felt everything. Their lips and their joined hands were the only parts of them that were touching. It was almost too much, yet not enough. Tina wasn’t sure how long they stayed like this. When her neck started to strain, she pulled back gently and stood on her own two feet again, having not realized that she had risen on her tiptoes.
She opened her eyes but Bette’s were still closed, brows contorted almost as if she was in pain. The chocolate brown orbs came into view once again. Tina would have rather been hit by a truck than to be a witness to the confusion mixed with desperation that faced her.
Tina took a step back to clear the daze. She needed clarity and being that close to Bette wasn’t helping. She had wanted this to happen, had made it happen. Now, she had to say something, do something. She felt the ring between her fingers and it registered. Guilt. Fuck. How could she have done that to Carrie? To Bette?
Bette watched the emotions flicker at full throttle behind the hazel eyes with a racing heart. Some kept coming back: regrets, guilt, distress. A side of her brain couldn’t comprehend what had just occurred. That kiss… Fuck but she had forced herself to keep their first kiss out of her mind when her ex-wife had told her she would pick up her engagement ring herself. She would have never expected in a million years that Tina would kiss her, then. Never.
“I’m sorry,” Tina said in a small voice. “Automatism, I guess.”
Bette frowned and opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
“Bette?”
Her head snapped in direction of the door. Her assistant had found her way in with the shittiest timing ever. She wanted to say something, but the words stayed stuck in her throat once more.
“I have to go,” Tina declared.
Bette turned back around only to see her ex-wife scampering out of the office without looking back. She blinked at her retreating back. What had just fucking happened? She closed her eyes to attempt to make sense of her jumbled thoughts. Tina had kissed her. Tina, her ex-wife, had fucking kissed her while being engaged to another woman. Tina had found the lamest excuse she had ever heard in her life to justify it. Bette opened her eyes again and looked through the glass at the blonde, all but running in the gallery toward the front door. Fuck no!
Without thinking more, she snatched a leaflet a volunteer had given her on the sidewalk about some obscure rave party. She turned it on the other side, the ugly shade of pink that printers loved glaring back at her. She grabbed the black marker and scribbled furiously on the paper before folding it in four. By now, her assistant had started babbling about an issue with the lamps in one of the showroom and was placing sheets of paper on her already crowded desk. Bette wouldn’t have it.
“Not now,” she cut, already on her way out.
“But, Bette! We need to sign the quote tod—
“I don’t care!” She barked behind her shoulder.
She hurried after Tina, even jogging when she couldn’t see any visitor in some of the sections. This couldn’t end with her running away again. Tina didn’t get to kiss her and make her want to rip her heart out of her chest to offer it to her only to leave without giving her a choice. Bette was getting angrier by the minute, the unfairness of Tina’s behavior making her want to scream. The feeling in her chest grew impossibly and when she spotted the blonde in the parking lot, she lost it.
“What was that?” She shouted loud enough to startle a few pigeons.
Tina had the respect to at least stop as she was about to get in her car. Bette marched toward her in big strides. Her ex-wife turned around slowly and put her foot back on the ground. Thank fuck the parking lot was empty. She wasn’t sure she would have cared if a hundred people were there anyway. Once she reached her, the dark-haired woman slammed the door firmly and kept her hand there for a second, warning Tina already that she wouldn’t go anywhere. She used the support of the car to push herself to her full height.
“You can’t go around kissing people and say that it was ‘automatism’,” Bette air quoted the word like it was an insult.
Up until then, there had been fear in Tina’s stance, but when she crossed her arms over her chest and arched a brow, Bette wanted to shake her for her defensiveness. She was wearing heels too and her ex-wife took advantage of it to raise her chin proudly.
“I recall you did the exact same thing right before you ran after Jodi to Washington,” the blonde drawled.
“And look how that relationship went?” Bette argued, throwing her hands up in the air. “The minute I kissed you, everything changed.”
If she was being honest with herself, everything had changed before that, when Tina told her that she missed their life together. It was months before she gave in and kissed her at SheBar. It had began with lingering thoughts, then lingering stares. She had tried to fight the feeling for months but it had been too much. When she had needed more than looks from afar… Bette searched Tina’s eyes desperately, stopping herself short from shaking some sense into her.
The blonde swallowed and averted her gaze to the right. “It won’t change anything.”
Bette clenched her jaw so hard they both heard it. Those words hurt as much as if Tina had said what she really meant, what she was trying to mean: “I’m not in love with you anymore”. Too fucking bad Bette wouldn’t have it.
“Really? So should I expect you to kiss me more often once you’ll be married? Since it doesn’t mean anything to you apparently.”
“It was an accident!” Tina shot back.
Beyond the anger, Bette saw equal hurt that she could believe that this kiss didn’t mean anything to Tina. The irrational part of her almost laughed triumphantly. Instead, the dark-haired woman took a step forward in the narrow space between their cars.
“Sure it was,” she mocked. “An accident is when you bump into someone by mistake because you were in a hurry. An accident is when you spill coffee on someone because you got clumsy. Standing inches from another person for ten seconds before you kiss them is not an accident, Tina.”
With each example, she had taken a step closer until with that last step, she was flushed against Tina. The blonde’s body was pushed up against the side of her car. She had spread her arms on each side of her, eyes darting around, looking for an exit. No escape this time, T, Bette thought to herself.
She leaned in slightly and felt Tina's warm breath against her chin. She would never do it if her ex-wife looked that terrified by their proximity. But even though she could easily struggle to get her off, Tina didn’t put up a fight. When after a few seconds glaring at each other, her arms slid to her sides once more and her body relaxed, Bette was confident she had her.
She captured Tina's lips in a searing kiss. From the moment they touched, she knew she wouldn’t be content with a closed mouth kiss. She wanted everything. Bette buried a hand in the blonde hair with a moan. She pulled a little and Tina gasped in surprise—Bette would never hurt her. She slipped her tongue inside, granting herself permission. Tina allowed it anyway and caressed her tongue with hers, engaging in a sensual dance like they hadn’t done in years. She felt an arm circle her waist; the car keys were jabbing her back but she couldn’t care less. With her free hand, Tina took hold of her shirt and pulled her closer. Bette gripped her hip tighter in return.
It felt so good, she smelled so good. Bette whimpered and pressed her hips closer against the blonde, earning another moan. Every time they parted for air, she was persuaded Tina would push her away, but every time, she came back hungrier, to the point where they were almost humping each other against the car. When Tina moaned loudly as she ground her hips up against Bette’s thigh, they broke away, but remained close, their foreheads touching gently.
“Why did you do that?” Tina panted with her eyes shut.
Bette put some distance and pushed the rogue strands of hair away from her ex-wife’s face lovingly. “I’m proving you it wasn’t an accident.”
She felt for the leaflet in her pocket and licked her lips, the taste of Tina making her groan. The sound attracted the blonde’s attention and Bette watched as the shorter woman eyed her lips. She wasn’t persuaded that she would reject her should the brunette try to kiss her again. Tina was strangely relaxed, she even leaned into Bette’s touch when she cradled her head carefully. Bette move closer to her ear, but kept an eye on the open handbag beneath. She sneaked her note inside.
“You and me, it was never an accident.”
She kissed Tina’s temple with her eyes closed, knowing that it might be the last time she ever did, but wishing it wasn’t. She took in the smell, the soft skin, the tickle of the blonde tresses against her nose… Before she could change her mind and retrieve the piece of paper, Bette tore herself away and hurried back to the building. There were tears in her eyes and her shirt was creased from Tina’s death grip but it didn’t even register. What her brain focused on was how no one ran after her in the gallery. She looked behind her, but the door didn’t open.
After a trip to the restroom, where she realized how much of a mess she was, Bette returned to her office. On her way, she found her assistant, Heloïse, beside herself. The young woman apologized profusely and it took a few moments for Bette to understand. The quote for the lighting, the anger. Fuck her life. She had snapped at her for no good reason.
“Don’t apologize, it’s my fault. I’ve received some upsetting family news,” she twisted the truth.
“Will it be okay?”
“I don’t know,” Bette answered sincerely.
Concentration eluded her for the remaining of the afternoon. At some point, Bette stood up and toured the gallery, hoping that the artwork would help soothing the ache in her chest. It did, for a while, but it didn’t last. Angie’s visit provided a nice distraction and the teenager asked to be entertained as they toured the gallery together. They went out for coffee and waffles and after she left, Bette felt in a lighter mood. By six pm, her focus had come back and she was able to work on her report. She worked uninterrupted for an hour and a half. Only Heloïse announcing that the security guard was closing down and that she was going home put her out of her trance of sort. Bette thanked her and put her marker down finally. Her back hurt from being too tense but she couldn’t bring herself to head home. Angie wouldn’t be there. No one would be there.
Her phone rang loudly in the silent room and Bette cursed. Fuck, why did she ever put it back on sound was beyond her understanding. The piercing ringing could wake the dead. She noticed the caller ID and froze. The ringtone repeated itself a fourth time and Bette jumped on the phone to pick up the call, afraid that Tina would hang up.
“Hi.”
Her voice seemed weary on the other end.
“Hi,” Bette replied in a measured tone.
“Are you at the gallery still?”
“I told you I would be here all day.”
Technically, it was evening now, but Tina didn’t correct her.
“Okay. Well… don’t leave.” A beat, then: “Please.”
The exhibition room had been plunged in the dark, only the exit signs glowing in the night. Bette’s office lights struggled to keep the shadows at bay, she could barely make out her assistant’s desk outside. But in the deafening silence of the gallery, she heard it. It was distant at first, a staccato beat echoing in the emptiness. It got closer, the click-clack of heels making itself recognizable. She thought Heloïse had forgotten something at her desk—she had left barely two minutes ago—but her heart was racing in her chest and it only ever raced like that when… Bette exhaled loudly, forcing the hope down.
The sounds of the heels amplified in the dark, the echo disappeared; Bette held her breath unconsciously and squinted her eyes to discern a form. Any second now. A denim clad leg appeared at the cusp of the darkness, then another. The face emerged from the shadows, but she had guessed already. Tina.
Bette stood up slowly from her desk. She circled around it and came to a stop in front of the glass, right in front of Tina. The blonde seemed distressed, in a different mood than her already upset state when they had kissed on the parking lot. She observed her appearance, the same blouse she had been wearing earlier, but more rumpled, the hair that had been messed over one time too many. Her gaze dropped and she sucked in a breath when she realized what it was about. Clutched in Tina’s hand was the pink leaflet she had used to convey her thoughts. She noticed the uncertain hazel eyes and made a decision.
Bette took a step to the left and waited for Tina to follow on her right. She took another step and Tina followed. They walked like this, unhurriedly, almost side by side if not for the glass between them. Thirty feet had never seemed so long to Bette, but she kept her gaze on Tina’s the whole way. The blonde didn’t waver either.
Eventually, they reached the open door and the jasmine scent invaded her senses once more. Bette tilted her head to the side and waited for Tina to speak. She put all her gentleness in her gaze. She didn’t want to assume anything after she had been so wrong about so many things for so many years. Her ex-wife seemed to understand it.
“Hi,” Tina said for the fourth time that day. “I got your message.”
She lifted a trembling hand to show the piece of paper. Bette kept her eyes on Tina, trying to decide if her heart had a good reason to beat so damn loud. She read Tina’s expression and felt hope spark inside. Maybe it had. Bette took the leaflet from Tina’s hand and pushed herself to the side, inviting her in with a shy smile. The note found its way on the desk and neither of them looked at it again that night. Bette didn’t need to see the words to remember them.
It’s all coming full circle.
xoxo Bette