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“Eren.”
“Wait— give me one more second.”
“You said that one minute ago.”
“Then give me another minute.”
“Why are you even doing this?” Levi sighed, leaning back against the chair heavily, hooking an arm over the backrest. “It’s not as if it’s a special occasion or a fancy meal.”
Eren looked up from the viewfinder with his tongue poking out between his lips. “Because I realised that we never take photos.”
“That’s not true. We have that photo album.”
“Yeah, but I want to take photos of all the in-between moments too!”
Levi clicked his tongue, picking up the cup of water nearest to him. “And while you do this, the food’s getting cold.”
Eren looked down at the spread of food on the table. There were the two plates of hamburg steak and fries, lovingly cooked by Levi, and the small portion of salad contributed by Eren. And really, it’s not as if Eren wasn’t hungry and eager to dig in either, but there was also the fact that Levi never took any photo that wasn’t a special moment. But to Eren, it was precisely the culmination of all the small moments that were special.
And then there was also the fact that he bought a disposable film camera just this evening.
“Okay, okay, just one more.” Eren laughed, bringing the camera up to his face again, squinting into the viewfinder. Levi said nothing but put his cup down where it was before, just to complete the picture. Eren’s tongue sneaked out between his lips again as he tried to find the best angle for the photo.
Click!
“Finally.” Levi said, grabbing his knife and fork immediately. Eren watched him do this, trying to bite back the mischievous smile growing on his face.
“No! Wait! Don’t do that yet!”
Levi looked up sharply, wide-eyed. “What?”
Eren looked between the knife firmly lodged in the steak and Levi, looking panicked, and waited a moment before saying, “Just kidding.”
Levi narrowed his eyes. “Shitty brat.” cutting into his steak with vengeance.
Eren grinned, settling into his chair opposite Levi. He was about to put down his camera to pick up his fork when he snuck another look at Levi again, noticing the slightly annoyed line between his brows that Eren had become so familiar with and grown to love. It was the look he now knew Levi wore when he wasn’t really angry or annoyed. Quite the contrary, actually.
Eren smiled to himself. This was an expression he wanted to capture. Levi would have the honour of being the first person he took a photo of with this camera.
Eren turned the scroll wheel all the way to the right as he lifted his camera up again, and as he looked through the viewfinder, expecting to find his annoyed-looking boyfriend chewing on his food—
Eren froze. His smile fell off his face.
Huh?
Levi looked up, sensing a change in Eren’s mood. He raised a brow. “What is it?”
Eren continued staring blankly at Levi with his camera lowered. Levi huffed. “If this is another one of your jokes, cut it out. At this rate, your food will collect dust.”
Eren looked down at his camera wordlessly, lightly running his thumb across the wheel as he tried to process what he saw. Then, just to make sure that he was seeing things correctly, he lifted it up again, closing an eye as he looked through the tiny rectangle.
His hair was styled just like Levi’s. The shape of his face, his nose and his jawline were identical to Levi’s. Even the little worry lines creeping along his forehead, between his brows— they were all Levi’s. But instead of a long sleeved cotton shirt that Levi always wore in autumn, the man in the camera was dressed in a weird military-style uniform. A formal shirt with a cravat and a brown jacket, with weird straps snaking down his torso. And when the gaze of the man in the camera flickered up, meeting Eren’s eyes..
Those eyes— those eyes were Levi’s.
“Eren, what—”
“—are you looking at?”
Eren jerked away from the camera. When he looked up, Levi was already standing up, leaning towards Eren with worry etched onto the lines of his face.
Eren’s breathing was uneven, and his fingers had grown sweaty. He hadn’t even realised it until now, but he wasn’t the only one who did.
“Ah, I—” Eren stammered, putting away his camera hurriedly. He wiped his palms down his pants, trying to shake away the uneasy feeling gripping his chest. “I just— I thought that I saw.. it’s nothing. Nothing. It’s nothing.”
Levi frowned at him for another moment before retreating to his seat. It was obvious he didn’t believe Eren, but he was better at picking his battles than Eren was.
“I told you it wasn’t a good idea to watch that ghost movie last night.”
“That’s what you say about all the movies I pick.” Eren chuckled weakly, picking up his fork and knife. And while his focus should’ve been on the food, his eyes kept straying to the little plastic camera sitting on the edge of the table. Levi gave him another look before picking up his food to eat.
Dinner passed without any other incidents. Although Eren wanted to pick up the camera, he squashed down the temptation out of respect for Levi’s time and effort. But now, with Levi’s back turned to him while doing the dishes, Eren found himself holding the camera again.
Just one more look wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?
With just another second of hesitation and trepidation squeezing his stomach, Eren aimed the camera at Levi’s back and looked through the transparent rectangle.
Even their freshly shaved undercut was the same. It was like looking through a screen where the only difference was Levi’s attire. But instead of the weird-looking uniform Eren saw earlier, the man’s brown jacket was gone, and now he could see that the straps were attached to some sturdy looking pieces like a spider web criss-crossing over his back.
It should be foreign and extremely confusing to Eren, seeing all these for the first time. But that wasn’t it, was it? For some reason, Eren didn’t feel like it was his first time looking at it. Instead, it felt like he was trying to shovel something up from his memories. The feeling of looking at something and knowing that he’d seen it before, a long time ago.
And what was even more unsettling was that the longer that Eren stared, the more right it felt to see Levi in those clothes. For a moment, Eren thought that they fit him better than the suits he had to wear to office.
The tap turned off. Levi dried his hands on the towel hanging on the cupboard, looking over his shoulder at Eren. A look of distaste crossed his face when he noticed the camera.
“What’s with you and the camera today?”
Eren lowered the camera, looking at Levi over the top. “It’s the trend now. Everyone’s taking photos on film again.”
“That’s stupid.” Levi grumbled, walking over to wrap his arms around Eren. Levi hid his face in the crook of Eren’s neck. “And it’s environmentally unfriendly.”
“But the pictures are so pretty. Have you seen them?”
“I can’t see them until you develop them, idiot.”
“Oh, right.” Eren blinked, wrapping his arms around Levi’s shoulders, happily caressing Levi’s back muscles. “I suppose you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right,” Levi snorted, pulling away just enough to lock eyes with Eren. There were the beginnings of a fond smile on the corners of his lips as he brushed away a stray hair from Eren’s face.
“But it’s really fun.” Eren chuckled, bringing the camera back up again. “You should really try it one day.”
Eren looked through the lens, expecting to see the impeccably dressed man from earlier. Instead, Eren found the man with blood splattered across his face and the wind rustling his hair. He was looking at Eren with the same love in his eyes as Levi, but with overwhelming relief mixed in that affection.
Eren blinked, and that man was gone, along with the smile on Levi’s face. Levi’s gentle fingers held onto his chin, guiding Eren’s head down to look at him.
“You’ve been spacing out a lot today. Is everything alright?”
Concern swam in those soft grey irises. He made Levi worry again.
“I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about it.”
Eren cupped Levi’s face and leaned down for a chaste kiss, eyes fluttering shut as their lips met. When Levi broke the kiss, his thumb brushed down Eren’s nose. He still looked unconvinced, but at least some of the worry in his eyes had faded.
“Let’s go to sleep early tonight.”
There was a pressure exploding in his head with the sound of bone snapping, of a desperate animalistic roar and a stampede, footsteps thundering on the ground.
And then the warmth and safety of strong, muscular arms enveloping his limp body, speeding away with the wind whipping at their faces.
And when he finally opened his eyes with his limbs feeling as fragile as glass, he found his hand clasped in a much larger, much rougher hand. Despite the calloused fingertips and scars running along the back of his palms, the hand in his was gentle.
And when the owner of that hand stirred, blinking blearily at him—
Eren’s eyelids fluttered open slowly to find Levi already watching him quietly. It was in the early hours of the morning with the pale sunlight barely grazing the wall through the gap in between their curtains.
Eren’s hand was tucked away under Levi’s pillow, fingers intertwined with thicker ones. Levi was staring at him like he was trying to memorise every inch of his face.
Just like the man in his dream.
“Stop doing that,” Eren croaked, burying his face in his own pillow. “It’s so creepy.”
“You were drooling, and now you’ve wiped it all over your pillow. That’s disgusting.”
“So what? We always wash the sheets every weekend anyway. And it’s not like you were complaining about my saliva last weekend.”
Levi kicked Eren lightly. “Go back to sleep you little shit.” he said, ruffling Eren’s hair.
“Haven’t you taken enough photos of me yet?”
“What? No way.”
The city was winding down for the night. Despite the traffic noises filling the air, the streets were largely empty save for the leaves cascading down increasingly barren trees, ushered by the wind to journey elsewhere. The night always brought with it crisp, cold air with a hint of cigarette smoke.
Eren slipped his hand into Levi’s cold one.
“It’s been a week since you bought that, how many photos do you have left to take anyway?”
Eren looked at the number on the top. “Twenty-six.”
“Didn’t you say you could take twenty-seven photos with that?”
“Yup.” Eren grinned at Levi, waving his camera next to his face. “I only took one photo so far.”
“One photo—” Levi paused, “Don’t tell me the only photo you’ve taken is of our dinner last week.” When Eren’s grin widened, Levi rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable. Why do you keep carrying that thing around when you don’t even use it?”
Eren bumped shoulders with Levi. “Because it’s fun.”
“It’s fun to look at me through that camera?”
“Yeah.” Eren brought the camera in front of his face with his other hand. “This camera lets me see special things, you know?” and then he looked through the viewfinder, finding a differently dressed Levi next to him.
The man in the camera didn’t always wear the same thing. Mostly, the man wore his uniform with his brown jacket. Sometimes that jacket was missing and the cravat was slightly undone. Sometimes the man wore a green cloak with a unique design on its back, like a pair of wings where one side was white and the other was dark blue.
There was even once when the man was half-naked with his chiseled body on display, but that was when Levi came out of the shower and called him a pervert after spotting Eren with the camera. Eren had been so embarrassed that he never did it again.
And now when Eren was looking through the small screen, the man was wearing his uniform with the brown jacket as usual, looking up at him with a fond curve to his lips. Eren pulled the camera back to find Levi wearing the same smile.
“Special things.” Levi said flatly, “Like ghosts?”
“Why do you always talk about me like that? I enjoy horror movies but I don’t see the supernatural.”
“You’re the one who talks like that.” Levi teased, poking Eren’s cheek with a finger. Eren huffed.
“Now I’m not telling you.”
“Tell me.”
“No.”
“So it is ghosts.”
“No, it’s not.” Eren sighed, exasperated. “But even if I tell you, you’ll judge me. You’ll judge me and then laugh at me for it.”
“Eren, I already judge you and laugh at you—”
“You’re mean.”
“—But these are all parts of you that I wouldn’t change for anything.”
Eren stiffened, looking down at Levi. Heat rushed to his cheeks as he averted his gaze, covering the bashful smile on his face with the camera. “Since when do you say such things so casually?”
“I like watching your reaction.” Levi shrugged, squeezing Eren’s hand. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t mean it. So tell me.”
Eren put his camera in his pocket before squeezing Levi’s hand back. He kept his gaze on the floor in front of them. “Do you believe in reincarnation?”
“Reincarnation?”
“Yeah, I..” Eren took a glimpse at Levi before looking down again. “I see you in the camera, but it’s not you. It’s a different you.” Eren bit the inside of his cheek, pondering for a moment. “He looks exactly like you, but he’s dressed differently. There are scars on his face and his body, too. Sometimes he wears weird gears that look like boxes on his hips. And I know it sounds crazy, but it feels like I know him, even if I’ve never met him in my life. I think that— maybe, I knew him in a past life or something.”
Eren snuck another look at Levi, who was frowning in confusion.
“And— and recently, I’ve had these weird dreams, too.” Eren said in a rush. “I dream of a world where there are titans that eat humans. And in my dreams we were in the military, fighting these titans, and you were my Captain. But— I know that these dreams aren’t just dreams. I think they’re memories.”
“Memories?”
“Of my past life.” Eren explained, “They’re too vivid to be just dreams. And it’s chronological, too. Like watching a movie. It’s been coming back to me slowly. Faces of people and places that I shouldn’t know about.”
Levi stopped in the middle of the empty sidewalk, prompting Eren to stop too. He held out an expectant hand.
“Let me see that camera.”
Eren fished it out of his pocket and put it in Levi’s hand. Levi let go of Eren’s hand to inspect the camera, looking at Eren through the small rectangle. Eren swallowed thickly.
“Do you see it?” Eren asked, heart racing.
There was a tense moment of silence before Levi pulled the camera away from his face and shook his head. He returned the camera to Eren. “No. I don’t see anything unusual.”
“Oh.” disappointment coloured Eren’s words. He lowered his hand with the camera as he looked at Levi’s indifferent eyes. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
Levi ran a hand through his neatly styled hair. It always amazed Eren how neat and put together Levi managed to look even after a long day at work.
“Even if I did, I don’t remember anything. I’m not that man you see in the camera.”
Eren’s heart clenched. “.. Yeah. I know.” He nodded sullenly. He felt like a fool, for telling Levi everything and expecting Levi to believe him.
“But stranger things have happened, haven’t they?” Levi put a hand on Eren’s face, urging him to look at him. Eren looked up tentatively. There was an upward tug on the corner of Levi’s lips as his expression softened. “That someone like me managed to be with you, isn’t that one of the strangest things to happen in this world?”
Eren gasped softly, wrapping his fingers around Levi’s hand. “No,” Eren disagreed, “I’d like to think that we would’ve met and fallen in love in every possible world.”
Levi’s smile broadened just a bit. “Were we in love too? In your dreams?”
Eren leaned into Levi’s hand, nodding with his eyes turning into half-moons. “Yeah,” Eren whispered, “We were.”
He was sitting on the bed with his legs to his chest, curled into a ball. The door opened with a loud creak before it closed with a softer cry. There were quiet footsteps that stopped in front of him before the mattress started sinking.
“You’re supposed to be asleep.”
“I can’t sleep.”
There were some shuffling noises before a hand came around the back of his head, fingers carding through his hair tenderly.
“There’s no point worrying about tomorrow. You’ll seal up the hole and we’ll get to that basement of yours.”
“But what if something bad happens and—”
“There’s nothing that you can do right now, but sleep.” the man turned to him, offering a faint smile. “And if something bad happens tomorrow, we’ll deal with it.”
“But what if—”
The hand in his hair stopped its ministrations. “You’re still a brat.” the man sighed, “You’re not going to lose me, Eren. I’m going to come back to you, even if it takes me a long time.”
He felt all the fight leave his body. He relaxed against the man. The man moved him so that his head was on the man’s lap, with his hand still nestled in his hair, fingertips grazing his scalp lightly.
“Sleep. Get some rest.” the man murmured, “I’ll wake you up when it’s time.”
He turned so that he was lying on his side. With the soothing feeling of the man’s fingers against his head, he felt himself drift away.
It was raining as if all the rain in the world decided to pour over their city. Thunder echoed across the jet black sky briefly illuminated by sharp lines of lightning, splitting the sky into multiple parts.
Eren was walking out of the kitchen with a mug of tea and a cup of hot chocolate. Levi was lounging on the sofa with a novel in one hand and the other over the armrest of the sofa, leaning his weight on a pillow under his back.
There was something about the relaxed line of Levi’s body, the focused look in his eyes as he went down the page line by line. Eren couldn’t help but smile to himself. He loved to cuddle with Levi whenever he was reading. But looking at how peaceful Levi was now, the tranquility radiating from him, was something different.
Eren crept back into the kitchen to put down the cups and dig out the camera he kept on him all the time now. It was more convenient, being able to take it out whenever he had an urge to see Levi as the Captain over the past two months. While Levi never said anything about his new habit, he never made any attempt to indulge Eren beyond listening to Eren’s stories about another world inhabited by titans, a world where they kept their relationship a secret.
But even that was nice. Eren was surprised that Levi even bothered to listen to him since it was clear that he still didn’t believe that such a world existed.
Slowly, stealthily, Eren tiptoed out of the kitchen, raising the camera to his face with his tongue peeking out of his mouth again.
When he looked through the screen, the man on the sofa was reading the book the same way that Levi was, except that he looked more tired than Levi did. His cravat was fully undone around his neck with the first few buttons undone, offering Eren a glimpse of his chest. His normally combed hair was mussed up, swept to the side as if the wind had been blowing against him from the front.
Even when he was tired, the man looked effortlessly good.
“Still not going to take a picture?”
Eren startled, hiding the camera in his pocket. Levi was still reading his book, eyes never straying from the page.
“How’d you know?” Eren asked, placing a hand over his chest.
Levi flipped the page. “Subtlety doesn’t exist in your dictionary.”
“Ah.” Eren scratched his neck, ambling towards Levi. He kneeled down in front of Levi before worming his way under Levi’s arm. Levi sighed, adjusting them together so that Eren could lie back comfortably without being at risk of falling back onto the floor.
“What did you see this time?”
Eren glanced at Levi before holding onto Levi’s arm around his torso. “I saw you reading with your uniform slightly undone. Kinda like the way you loosen your tie and unbutton your shirt after work.”
Levi hummed. His fingers began sneaking under Eren’s shirt, scratching against the sensitive skin there. Eren shivered, looking up.
“Does my appearance change?” Levi asked, still reading his book. “Your hair’s grown really long in the past year.”
“No,” Eren shook his head. “You look the same as always. Maybe a little more tired on some days, but you look almost the same.”
“Hmm.” Levi’s eyes wandered to the ceiling before he slid his bookmark into the book and set it on the coffee table, turning his attention to Eren. “You dreamt of him again today, didn’t you?”
“I dreamt of you.” Eren corrected.
“What did you dream of this time?”
Eren was quiet for a long moment. Levi tightened his arm around Eren, pressing a fleeting kiss into the crown of his head encouragingly.
“A bad memory came back to me this time,” Eren confessed quietly. Immediately, Levi’s body went still under him, fully listening to him. Eren shifted slightly, pulling Levi’s arm up to his chest to hug like a bolster. “We were in a war against titans led by titan shifters. And almost everyone died in order for the handful of us to survive. They willingly charged towards someone who was throwing rocks like a meteor shower, and it pulverised so many of them. They were just— decimated.”
His voice was oddly calm, detached. Levi remained silent, but the warm hand on Eren’s chest grounding him to the present was his way of showing support.
“I saw you holding a needle that could only save one person by turning them into a titan shifter. And I saw myself— I was threatening you to save my best friend over yours. And you— you were—” Eren stopped abruptly, throat constricting unbearably. Eren cleared his throat and blinked back the tears. “I saw you choose my friend, and then I just— I was so overwhelmed with guilt, I couldn’t look you in the eye for days. I just kept thinking that I made you do it. That I forced you to let your own friend die.”
Eren closed his eyes. “And I’m sorry that I did that to you.” he sniffled.
Levi was silent for a brief moment, tilting his head back as he ruminated. When he looked back at Eren, he brushed away the hair falling into Eren’s face, tucking it behind Eren’s ears.
“Eren,” Levi began seriously, but his voice was gentle, like a feather dancing in the air. “I may not be this person from your dreams or memories, but if we were truly the same person, I know that he’d want to tell you that you couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to even if you tried.”
Eren choked out a laugh that sounded more like a sob. He rubbed his eyes.
“If we were the same person, I know he’d want you to know that he was never angry at you.” Levi wiped away the unshed tears in Eren’s eyes, offering him a crooked smile. “And I also know that he’d want you to move on.”
“You really think so?” Eren laughed wetly, red-rimmed eyes searching Levi’s. Levi nodded reassuringly, cradling Eren closer to him.
“We’re supposedly the same guy, right? Then I wouldn’t just think so, I’d know so.”
“God, that’s such a cheesy line. Right out of a movie script.”
“Oi. I’m trying to be nice to you, or are we back to the original program now?”
“No, it’s just that— I’m surprised that you care so much about it. I mean.. you’ve never acted like you cared about it. You don’t even believe it happened.”
“Yeah, but I care about you, and it’s obviously causing you distress.” Levi said softly.
Eren looked away, trying to hide his face. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I feel like such a child, always worrying you with my stupid problems.”
“I’d rather you worry me with them than keep them to yourself.” Levi replied. “At least this way I know what’s bothering you, even if I can’t always fix them.”
“You do so much for me, I wish I could do the same for you.”
Levi exhaled heavily, running a hand through Eren’s hair. “If you think that you’re not doing at least the same for me, then you’re even stupider than I thought.”
“Then maybe I am.”
“No, you’re not.” Levi flicked Eren’s forehead lightly, causing Eren to wince and instinctively try to swat Levi’s hand away. “But if you’re feeling good enough to start your self-pity party, then you can get off of me so I can get our neglected drinks from the kitchen.”
“Shit!” Eren said, climbing off Levi clumsily, nearly tumbling down the sofa. “I totally forgot about it. Let me get it—”
“It’s fine, I’ll get it.” Levi said, pushing Eren down with a hand as he got off the sofa. “Your hot chocolate won’t be so hot anymore, though.”
And as Eren watched Levi walk to the kitchen, back facing him, he could imagine a world where Levi wore the same green cloak as the man from his previous life. Eren could imagine a world where Levi was leading him somewhere with that cloak fluttering in the wind, and he wondered just how many times he had followed Levi in that world. Following him without question, following him with nothing but trust that Levi would protect him from whatever befell them.
Turns out that that number wasn’t infinite as Eren thought it was.
Eren woke up with tears running down his face. The sun was already halfway down its descent as snow flickered down from the sky.
He touched the wet tracks on his face gingerly with his throat closing up and his stomach twisting itself into impossible knots. His heart was thumping and pounding violently, almost as if it wanted to burst out of his chest. Everything was strangling him, everything was suffocating. Then there was a sudden lurch from his body.
Eren ran to the toilet and fell on his knees just in time to throw up into the toilet bowl.
Flashes of civilians screaming in terror as they fled with debris shooting around them, images of a horde of the biggest titans walking across the world, crushing everything under them. Big footprints stamped onto the earth where bodies and lakes once stood, all reduced to dust and red stains on soil.
He remembered walking among those people and basking in the lively atmosphere, he remembered the hospitality of a young boy and his family, and he remembered seeing that same boy’s skull crack under the force of the titans he commanded.
His throat burned as he heaved again, tears and snot mixing in the vomit.
He remembered his friends reaching out to him. He remembered—
“Hear that, Eren? Stop now and I’ll let you off with an ass-kicking.”
Why didn’t he stop?
“Hey. Why don’t you speak up for a change?”
Why didn’t he stop?
His most important person was there in spite of all the injuries he sustained. His most important person was pleading with him to stop. All along Eren thought that they had always fought together. He never imagined that there would ever be a day that they were standing on opposite sides. But that was what happened, and it was all his fault.
What kind of expression did Levi have when he realised what he had done? What kind of pain did Levi experience when he realised that there was no going back?
Why didn’t he stop?
“Ngh,” Eren sniffled, wiping away the fresh tears with his sleeve. But they kept rolling down his face. He curled up into himself, palms against his eyes as he sobs wracked his body.
How could he face Levi anymore?
Eren threw his clothes into a bag and left a note on the table with his keys.
When his phone started buzzing with Levi’s name lighting up the screen, Eren turned it off as he wandered aimlessly around the city at night.
Eventually, Eren found himself standing outside Armin’s door. He didn’t remember how he got there, but Levi must have called Armin because Armin rushed out the moment that Eren knocked on his door.
“Eren!” Armin cried, throwing himself onto Eren. When Eren didn’t respond, Armin stepped back, patting down Eren’s arms. “Where have you been? Levi’s so worried about you.”
Hearing Levi’s name brought a stab of pain in his chest. Tears began to prick Eren’s eyes again as panic washed through him.
“I can’t—” Eren began, taking quick and uneven breaths, shaking his head aggressively. “Armin, I can’t— I can’t see Levi.”
Armin’s face crumpled in bewilderment. “What do you mean? Did you break up? Did he break up with you?”
“No, I just—” Eren sobbed, covering his face with his hands. “I can’t see him anymore.”
Armin’s bewilderment turned into a mix of confusion and pity as he watched Eren burst into tears, distraught.
“Oh, Eren,” Armin said as he leaned up to hold Eren’s head as he hugged Eren. “It’s going to be okay. Everything will be okay.”
Eren didn’t know if he believed Armin.
Eren wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, but he supposed it wasn’t too unreasonable given how exhausted he was from all the walking and crying. As he lay in Armin’s bed looking up at the ceiling, eyes adjusting to the dark, Eren wondered what he should do now. Going back to his parents’ house wasn’t an option since it was too far from his university, and going back home to Levi wasn’t an option either.
Where would he go after this? Where would he stay?
He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even heard the faint voices outside the door until the door was opening silently with warm light pouring into the darkness. Eren turned his head.
“Armin?” his voice cracked. The door closed slowly, cutting off all the light.
“No. Just me.”
Eren froze. Suddenly he was unable to move, unable to put distance between him and the approaching man.
“Levi..?”
The mattress started sinking next to him as heat radiated off another body. The man moved closer to Eren, close enough for Eren to get a whiff of that familiar scent.
“What’re you doing here?” Eren asked in a faint voice.
“Waiting for my partner to tell me why he broke up with me by leaving me a barely legible note.”
Eren winced inwardly. He didn’t think it was so bad until Levi said it like that.
“Why did you do that?” Levi asked in a level voice. There was no hint of emotion in his voice. For the first time, Eren realised that even when he thought that Levi never showed much emotion before, he never sounded as devoid of anything as he did now, and it scared him.
“Levi, I..” Eren trailed off, unsure what he should even say. How— no, where— should he even begin?
Eren looked down and pursed his lips. What would Levi think of him now?
“I can’t tell you.” Eren said at last.
“Why not?”
“Because I.. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“Eren,” Levi sighed heavily, “I meant it when I said that I’d rather you bother me with your problems than to let it fester like this. I don’t like seeing you hurt like this.”
Eren screwed his face, trying to blink away the stinging feeling in his eyes. Even after he hurt Levi, Levi’s priority was still to make sure that he was okay. And it hurt to know that he didn’t extend the same courtesy to Levi, that he’d chosen to run out of the door and leave instead of talking about it with Levi. It hurt to know that he was undeserving of Levi’s love.
When Eren didn’t reply, Levi added quietly. “I won’t hate you. I could never hate you.”
That did it. Even if Eren didn’t want to talk, even if he was undeserving of anything Levi gave him, how could he leave Levi in the dark?
Eren nodded but kept quiet for another long moment, trying to summon the courage to speak. Levi waited patiently next to him. Even without saying another word, Eren could feel Levi’s love pouring out of his silence, and it made him feel even worse about it.
Eren rubbed his nose, looking down again.
“I killed a lot of people,” Eren admitted in a small, trembling voice. “Before.”
Silence cut through the room. Eren didn’t dare to lift his head. In the darkness of the room, he felt slightly comforted that he couldn’t see Levi. He didn’t want to see the kind of expression that he put on Levi’s face.
“I.. I used the power of the titans, of the most powerful titan. And I almost killed everyone on earth. Everyone was crushed. And I was going to kill everyone if I wasn’t— if I hadn’t been killed.” Eren put his head between his hands, rocking his body back and forth as his voice hysteria crept into his words. “And I remember how it looked and I— it comes back to me. The way that they screamed and I—”
A warm hand gripped his wrist. “Eren,” Levi said calmly, “calm down.”
“But I—” Eren shook his head, trying to wrestle his hand away from Levi’s unrelenting grip. “How can you even— I killed people, Levi. I killed so many people. How can I face anyone now? How can anyone forgive me for this? How can you even stand me when I— I betrayed you, Levi. I left you and—”
“Eren.” Levi let go of Eren’s hand to cup Eren’s face. Eren let out a quiet gasp at the soft touch, hands flying up to hold onto Levi’s hand. It had been just like this too, in their previous lives. The touch of Levi’s hand, even if it wasn’t scarred in the same places as before, brought the same kind of comfort that it did all those years ago.
These hands that always reached out to him no matter how bad things got.. How could he let go of them so easily?
“I don’t know what happened in the past, and I don’t know how to comfort you.” Levi said, sounding slightly regretful. There was a brief pause. “But you’re not the same person that you were in the past, just like I’m not that person you see in your memories. You don’t have to carry the weight of those sins in this life.”
“Levi—”
“Isn’t this your chance to start over?” Levi continued as if Eren had never spoken, offering Eren a small smile as he wiped away the tears rolling down Eren’s face. “If we had a bad ending in our previous lives, then isn’t this our second chance to be happy?”
How was it that Levi was always able to do things like this? To dive into the stormiest of seas, against the roughest waves, to grab onto Eren’s hand and pull him out of a drowning nightmare?
How was it that Levi was always able to bring Eren back without fail every time?
“You’re not going to lose me, Eren. I’m going to come back to you, even if it takes me a long time.”
Levi kept his promise after all. Two thousand years later, in a different lifetime.
Winter was finally letting go of the city. The sun was up earlier than it had been in recent weeks and the cold wasn’t so biting anymore.
Eren stirred, eyelids fluttering open languidly. His body was tangled in Levi’s with Levi’s breath fanning against his face and a thin line of drool disappearing into his pillow, chest rising slowly with a little whistle every time he exhaled.
Their hands were intertwined under Levi’s pillow.
Eren stared openly, marvelling at the extremely serene look on Levi’s face as he slept. This was one of the rare times that he was awake while Levi was asleep.
When Eren fell asleep, Levi was always awake, partly because of his insomnia, partly because he was busy doing something, whether it was his work or busy with housekeeping. And when Eren woke up, Levi was usually already awake, either reading his book in bed or preparing breakfast for them. But now Levi was asleep next to him now, and he wished to capture this moment forever.
His eyes wandered over to the disposable camera on the nightstand behind Levi.
Just one photo wouldn’t hurt, would it?
Eren leaned over Levi carefully, making sure not to accidentally jostle the sleeping man or let go of their hands under his pillow. When he grabbed onto the camera, he was about to lift it to his eyes and look through the tiny viewfinder when a distant thought occurred to him and he suddenly hesitated.
Why did he want to look through the camera again? Why did he keep looking back on something that no longer existed?
Wasn’t this enough? To be here in this life with the only man he would ever love, to have this second chance at happiness?
Eren glanced at Levi’s sleeping face again before putting back the camera and slipping under the covers again, snuggling closer to Levi. Instinctively, Levi pulled Eren closer to him with a hand on his lower back, slotting their bodies together like fitting pieces of a puzzle.
Another soft whistle escaped from Levi’s parted lips. Eren smiled to himself, brushing the back of his hand against Levi’s face before pressing a light kiss there. As he closed his eyes, listening to Levi’s regular breaths, feeling Levi’s steady heartbeat against his own chest, Eren felt himself drift into another restful, dreamless sleep.