Chapter Text
He gets the call on a Friday.
He’s just arrived at the airport so he can get on an eight hour flight just to fuck number 10 on the list. It was important before since he needed it to beat Brandon. The kid who thought he could take his place by getting sucked off on the dance floor, the fucker. But after Justin left him, he became a bit obsessed with it. He had tried to convince himself that it was for the best that he and Justin were over because this is who he is meant to be. Brian Fucking Kinney. Top stud of Liberty Avenue who fucks his way through gay Pittsburgh without any attachments. So he swallowed down the pain of his heart ripping in half when Justin backed his stupid duffle bag. It had hurt worse than when Justin had left him for the fiddler. At least then it had ended on bad terms and once the hurt feelings got out of the way and they started talking again they found their way back to each other. But this time Justin had hugged him before he left. It had felt so final. Brian had tried to pretend everything was fine. He tried to go out the door and go turn some tricks at Babylon. He didn’t even make it to the elevator before he turned around and went to bed where he clutched onto Justin’s pillow like a lesbianic moron. At least he didn’t cry. Much.
But fuck, he feels like crying now. He feels like his heart has been ripped out and thrown on the ground but it couldn’t have been because it starts beating so loudly in his chest and he’s holding his breath as he makes out Jennifer’s words through her sobs. Words like “Religious nut with a gun attacked us at a protest” and “Justin’s been shot” and “doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.” Brian finds himself running. He gets a taxi to the hospital because even though Justin’s going to be fine he has to see him anyway.
He makes it to the hospital. He knows he looks like a mad man. He finds his friends sitting in the waiting room crying and clutching onto each other and he fears the worst. What if they had gotten bad news while he was on his way here? He starts shaking and gasping in breaths and he finds Jennifer.
“J-Jennifer? Is Just-“ Brian asks but breaks off as his face crumples. Jennifer comes up to him and places her hands on his arms.
“We haven’t heard anything else. As far as we know, he’s still alive. He’s in surgery and will be there for a while. The bullet at least grazed his heart and they’re trying to help him. His…his chances aren’t good though. But he’s still alive. We’re just all upset, worried, and shaken up. Brian? Oh…oh, honey…”
Brian feels Jennifer bring him into an embrace as he collapses onto her shoulder and weeps. He’s making these embarrassing high pitched keening noises that he doesn’t want anyone to hear but he can’t control them. Distantly, he feels Jennifer’s hand rubbing his back and hears her say, “Shhh, I know. I know it hurts. I know you’re scared. It’ll be alright. Just let it out.” And it does. It does fucking hurt. Nothing she can do or say will make him feel any better. Only one thing will. He needs to see Justin. But he can’t because he’s fighting for his life. Even though Justin left him, Brian still considers him his partner. Logically he knows that they aren’t together anymore but his feelings for Justin have never been logical. They always went against everything he stood for but he ended up acting on them anyway and all it managed to do was hurt him four times now. But he can’t lose him. Even if he would never get back with Justin ever again, he still can’t lose him. The thought of living in a world without Justin in it was absolutely unbearable. It was even worse now since he didn’t even have Mikey and Debbie had more or less taken her son’s side in the whole rift between them. The last few weeks had been really fucked up for him and this had probably been building up for a while because he can’t stop crying.
“Come on, Brian, let’s sit down. Come sit next to me and we’ll wait, okay?”
Brian manages to nod and calm himself down enough to lift his head off of Jennifer’s shoulder. He can feel the gang’s eyes stare at him with pity and surprise, as though they are so fucking shocked that he’s fucked up over this but feel sorry for him anyway. Fuck them. He may have refused to enter Stepfordville but he made his feelings for Justin pretty fucking clear. He could admit out loud that he cared about him. He could show the gestures like having him move in with him and buying a plane ticket to L.A. to visit him. In his head, he could admit that he loved him. A lot. He had gotten to the point where he could admit to himself that he knew why his pulse quickened and why he got butterflies in his stomach whenever Justin walked into a room. He was in love. He knew that. He wouldn’t have let himself be heartbroken by Justin twice if he weren’t so fucking gone for the kid.
He knows how he feels and that’s enough for right now. So he ignores his friends. He ignores Ted and Emmett’s looks of concern and Mel’s shock and Michael pretending like he isn’t there while he walks away with Ben in tow from the waiting room.
“Was anyone else hurt?” Brian quietly asks Jennifer.
“Someone died on scene. Four others were injured. The shooter killed himself. Debbie got shot. Not badly. A bullet hit the edge of her arm. She’ll need some stitches but she’ll be alright. Michael came out to see if we heard anything and to get Ben.”
“And he left because of me,” Brian points out bitterly.
“Brian, no. I’m sure that isn’t it. He’s probably concerned about his mother.”
And yeah, he probably is. But it hurts that Michael still won’t speak to him now even when Brian is so fucking distraught.
They wait for a little while longer and why the fuck haven’t they heard anything? What surgery takes this long? Okay, he’s aware that a lot of them take several hours but it isn’t fair. It’s been a couple of hours since he arrived and he hasn’t heard shit.
“Brian?”
Brian looks up to see Ben standing over him.
“Debbie wants to see you. She’s going to be discharged soon but she wants to talk to you anyway.”
Brian doesn’t want to leave. The doctors could come out any time. But Debbie was the closest person he had to a mother and he wants to make sure she’s okay so he gets up.
“Which room?”
“107. Down that hall over there.”
Brian gets up and his legs feel so heavy as he walks. He makes it to room 107 and sees Debbie on the stretcher and Michael in a seat next to her. He walks in and Michael looks up and sees him.
“What are you doing here? It’s family only.”
Brian just stares at him.
“Michael Novotny! I know you two are on bad terms for whatever fucking reason but I asked Ben to bring him here.”
“When?”
“While you were in the bathroom. Give him a break, kid. Look at him. He’s a wreck over Justin.”
“Don’t excuse him for that! He isn’t even with Justin anymore!”
“That doesn’t mean he still doesn’t care.”
“All Brian cares about is himself. Justin deserves his real friends here, not the guy who constantly pushed him out of his life.”
Debbie is about to argue on Brian’s behalf again (which is a shocker right there) but Brian’s mouth opens before she has the chance.
“Real friends, Michael? Is that what you are to Justin? Does a real friend say that I should have left him there to die on the concrete floor just because he’s young and he screwed up by cheating on me? Does he still let people believe that I punched him for no reason at all? Is that what a real friend says and does? Not surprised if you do think that, considering you haven’t even shown one ounce of concern for me today even though the only man I have ever loved is probably going to die. Oh I forgot, you dumped me due to our differences in lifestyle so you don’t have to show concern for me anymore. I’m glad you weren’t hurt, Debbie. I really am. I’m so happy about that. But fuck you, Michael.”
Brian walks out of the room before he can be spoken to again. He can hear Debbie’s voice calling out for him and then yelling at Michael, “Did you really say that?! Is that why he hit you at Lindsay and Melanie’s party?! How could you say that about someone who had been through something so horrific?! How could you say that to the man who witnessed it?! Go fucking apologize to your oldest friend!”
“Ma, I already apologized to him about that!”
“Then go apologize to him for being such a little asshole!”
Oh hell no.
He walks quickly to the waiting room and is a few yards away from the seats when he feels Michael’s hand grab his arm. He can’t fucking deal with it right now so he might flip out a little.
“Don’t touch me! Let go of my arm and get your hands off me!” Brian shouts at him as he turns to push Michael away.
“Brian, look, I’m sorry.”
“Bullshit! You are only apologizing because your mommy told you to! I can’t fucking deal with this. I have too much to think about so just don’t push it right now! I am this fucking close to losing my shit, alright?”
He doesn’t expect what he just said to work with Michael because if Michael’s anything, he’s persistent. But for some reason it does. Maybe Michael is pitying him. Maybe he can see how much of a wreck Brian is. Maybe he just sees something in Brian that is about to snap since they have been friends for so long but he does end up backing off.
“Okay, Brian. I really am sorry, okay? I am sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry for pushing you away this last month. Let me know when you are ready to talk.”
With that, Michael goes back to join his mother in her room. Brian lets out a shaky sigh and sits down by himself. He thinks his friends get the point but obviously one of them doesn’t.
“Hey, sweetie.”
He knows that Emmett calls everyone that but he thinks this is the first time he’s call Brian that. Jesus, he probably really does look pathetic.
“I just wanted to say that we’re here for you. Don’t pull away from us.”
“I’m not-“
“Brian, you are sitting on the other side of the waiting room. Come on. We need to face this as a team, alright? We care so much about both you and Justin. So let yourself lean on us.”
He actually follows Emmett back to where everyone else is and goes back to his seat by Jennifer. She gives him a watery smile and he takes her hand to give her some form of comfort. And then they wait.