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It’s been two weeks since you went missing. At first I was not that worried because it was exam week, I'm assuming that you were busy with exams so you didn’t reply to my text. But after the exam week finished, you still hadn’t replied to my message. Things are going weird.
A lot of thoughts are raging in my head. Did you purposely go missing? Did you purposely run away from me? So you don't have the same feeling as mine?
Or what?
But ‘Me Too’ you said, does it actually mean another way?
Evening breeze gently passed over my face. Birds chirping, flying across the orange colored sky. I was walking alone to my house, eyes on my shoes, hood covering my head. Earphones plugged in my ear, your playlist is always on loop. It’s been three weeks now, where did you go?
I miss you, please come back.
“He still didn’t answer your call?” Sasha whispered as we were still having class. She is my seatmate this year or probably forever.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Then you have to find him. It’s been three weeks, there must be a reason why he went missing.”
“Yeah. I will ask his classmates later. Hope they know something.”
“Things are somehow weird,” she said, frowning.
Class dismissed.
I walk fast to the other building, where your class is at. The building is not that different from my building. The interior, the paint, everything are almost the same. But still i’m looking confused cause i have never been in this building.
“Hi, do you know where accounting class is?” I asked a random man in the hallway.
“It’s on the fourth floor, the one and only class there,” he said.
So I took the elevator to the fourth floor. It took only a few minutes to arrive in the class. It’s a huge class, more like a hall with bleacher type seating. No one was there except this brown haired girl who is busy writing something in her notebook.
“Excuse me, I’m sorry for bothering you. I’m looking for Yoon Jaehyuk,” I said, to the point.
She looked me in the face, probably observing me. “Yoon Jaehyuk? He dropped out a week ago.”
“Dropped out?”
Oh shoot, for real? I was dumbfounded for a while. This doesn’t seem like you. The Yoon Jaehyuk I know will never give up his college like that. New facts, new information, new confusion.
She nodded.
“Thank you so much.”
“No problem.”
What the heck, Yoon Jaehyuk? This is definitely not you. You dropped out from college without even telling me. You always get good grades and are surrounded by good friends, but you dropped out? Why? Your college life seems so fine -- at least that’s what I know.
“Oh. Do you know where his house is?” I said, two steps away from opening the door.
“I don’t really remember but it’s an apartment on Marine Street.”
“Okay. Thank you so much.” I give her a little bow and walk out of the classroom.
Woah. Never been this worried before.
I know we just knew each other for about a month and I don't even know your house, your family or who you really are. But you cannot just leave after telling me you love me too.
I sped up my pace to the bus stop, hoping it wouldn’t be too crowded. Marine Street , I told myself, so you’re just two bus stops away, huh?
The bus arrived at such perfect timing. I hop on the bus and sit at the back, near the window, your favorite seat. And that was also where I met you.
A boy with a green hoodie looking outside the window while grooving to a song he played through his earphones. I sat beside him, no choice, all of the seats were occupied. I wipe my sweat and sigh deeply.
“Bad day, huh?”
I glared in surprise. “How do you know?”
“I’m just guessing.” You smile playfully. “Music is a healing for a bad day. Wanna hear my playlist?” You said, handed me your right earphone.
I didn’t reply but took your earphone and plugged it into my ear. A song from Before You Exit was played. I glance at you for a while, a perfect side profile from a perfect stranger.
I looked down to my shoes, pretending you’re not beside me. Because if I do, it just makes my heart pound even more. And that was… weird actually. We just met not long ago but this kind of weird unknown feeling filled my heart already.
I felt warmth.
The next day I saw you there again with that green hoodie again. Later I learned that it is your favorite hoodie. It gives you warmth in this cold world, you said. I was laughing at you that day, but when you lend me your hoodie I learned that your words are true.
I don’t know why but sharing earphones is becoming a habit between us. It was always a random playlist of yours until a few days before you went missing ‘Is This Falling’ from Charlie Bennet was played twice everyday. I looked at your face for a while and all I could see was a little smile on your lips. That’s when I realised something. I was overjoyed for a while. So you feel that too? That weird unknown feeling? The butterfly in your stomach? The blooming flowers around us? The warm air around us?
So I pushed myself that night. Stringing words to say, gathering all the bravery that I have. Then your gaze destroys it all. Your eyes are too beautiful to face. My mind went blank, all I could think was just a simple ‘I’m in love with you’.
“Me too,” you said.
I… I stoned for a few minutes, not sure what I felt. Emotions are mixed up. The warm touch of your hands. The galaxy in your eyes. The waves in my veins. Everything is… indescribable. A warm hug as a gift for being brave. Tears falling to tell a story of bliss.
Now I'm here wrapped in loneliness. Playing the songs in your playlist. Mind empty looking outside the window.
“Next station, Marine Station.”
I get up from the seat, put my phone in my pocket, put on my hood and walk calmly to the door. An old lady gets in as I get off of the bus. Evening breeze greeted me wildly. Feet walking confidently in an unfamiliar neighborhood. There is only an apartment on this street, I guess that’s where you live. I went straight to the receptionist and mentioned your name.
“Yoon Jaehyuk?” The receptionist repeated. Then he checked something in a book, tracing his finger on a page.
“Mr. Yoon Jaehyuk moved out a month ago.” He shook his head.
Another day, another surprise. For the thousandth times I asked myself, where are you ?
I walked home with a lot of negative thoughts in my head. I’m trying to clear my mind by playing cheerful songs you like, but in this situation, it’s hard to keep a positive mind. I hug myself tightly. This weather kills me outside, my mind kills me inside.
For a few days I sat in your apartment’s lobby. I did questioned myself for doing this stupid thing. I knew you’re not coming. But deep down in my heart, I hope you come back. I called you at least ten times in a day just to hear a voice of a lady saying that your number is inactive. I feel so dumb and hopeless.
Then a light of hope suddenly came. A girl from your accounting class came to me. She said that she has known you since highschool. She knew your house, where you spent eighteen years of your life. It’s in another city, your hometown.
The next day I took a bus to your hometown. It takes two hour to arrive in your hometown. Again, I feel so alone, sitting in the corner seat beside the window. Your hometown is so beautiful. The Cherry Blossoms are blooming on the side of the road. Sun set down while pinkish twilight started to rise.
At this point, everything reminded me of you.
I write everything the girl said on a piece of paper. She didn’t remember your address but she knows your house, she said she’s been there twice. So I just followed what she said. Hoping every step I take really takes me closer to you.
A white painted house with a small garden in front of it peeking behind the cherry blossom tree. It closely resembles the girl’s description. I knock on the door twice, feet trembling, sweat pouring. I don’t necessarily this nervous, right?
A girl in her pajamas shows up. Hair up in a ponytail, right hand holding a cup of tea.
“Excuse me,” I said, shaking. “Is Yoon Jaehyuk here?”
She gives me a weird look, thinking. “Who are you?”
“I’m Asahi. Hamada Asahi.”
She glared widely as if I was someone who rose up from the dead. Not a common reaction from a stranger on the first meeting.
“Jamie, did you finish cooking?” A soft familiar voice echoing in the background.
“Wait, wait. Yoon Jaehyuk?” I said in a loud voice, almost screamed.
“He’s not Yoon Jaehyuk and you better get away from here.” Voice shakes as she slammed the door. Everything seems suspicious. She’s definitely hiding something, maybe someone. The soft voice in the background is you indeed. A hundred percent sure.
I feel so helpless. Then there’s this kind of explosion in my heart signaling my mind to cue my mouth to utter sentences. The bravest and longest sentences that ever come from my mouth.
“Hey! Yoon Jaehyuk. I know you’re inside. Why did you go missing without even telling me where you went? You said you love me, what’s that for? Fooling around with me? We’re not kids anymore. It’s not funny when you’re suddenly playing hide and seek while I'm here thinking of you every night and at some point I thought you might be dead?”
“I love you,” I whispered to the cold air.
I wiped my tears away then cursed myself for yelling words that should’ve stayed in my mind. Letting out emotions is not my thing. I should've kept it inside my heart.
Door creaked open all of a sudden.
“Hey,” a gentle female voice whispered to his ear. “Jaehyuk is in his room. You can come in,” she said. That really startled me so I slapped my face twice to assure that this is not a dream.
I walked in excitedly. Your sister, I suppose, led me to your room. I knocked twice then gently opened the door. Aromatherapy scent sneaked into my nose. Peaceful atmosphere wrapped around.
You sit on a wheelchair, smiling. “ Hisashiburi. ”
Small pale face and teary eyes greeted me. I gasped as tons of questions popped up in my head. I hugged your thin body real tight as if you may disappear anytime soon. You hugged me back, patted my back, “I’m sorry for leaving you, I'm sorry,” you murmured. Tears start pouring.
“No, no, no. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say hurtful things like that.”
“No. If you’re not saying that, I might not let you in. I’m sorry for being selfish.”
You cupped my cheeks, finger wiping off my tears. You smile even brighter than usual. “I miss you so much.”
Again, I fall to your embrace.
“So may I know what happened?” I kneel down. Hands holding yours, caresses the back of your thin hand. I look into your nervous eyes, “don’t be,” I said to myself.
“My feet… they will never be the same. I’m sorry, I was hiding because I was too scared to show up like this in front of you. I can’t even walk with you, have fun with you, drive late at night with you. I can’t make your biggest dream come true. We can’t go stargazing together in an empty grass field, listening to an old song and dance to it like you said.”
You sighed. “ I’m sorry. I’ll only be a burden for you, please find another guy. You don’t have to date a disabled man like me.”
I glance at your feet for a while. They do look weak and thin. But then i catched your gaze. “Hey, look at me,” I said with a very delicate voice. I look up for a while, trying my best not to tear up.
“Who needs stargazing when I have you in front of me?”
Then you smile. A smile that somehow told me how lucky I am to have you. Stars in your eyes are indeed the best scenery ever.
“It’s okay, Jaehyuk. If you sink, we can sink together. Even if the water is cold,” I said.
“No, no, you have to pull me up.”
“I can’t swim.”
Both of us were laughing. For the first time in a while, I feel blessed by your laugh. For the first time in a while, this room filled with laughter.
“Remember that you always have me by your side and that you shouldn’t be fighting on your own and i.. uh… yeah… I'm not good with words, you know-”
“I love you,” you cut.
Words have always been my enemy so I pressed my lips to yours as an answer. Warm and soft. The best gift after this empty three weeks.
--fin