Archive of Our Own

So here’s how it goes: Edric Tosser and Baby “Ruthless” Triumphant meet for the first time in the roiling blaze of a Great Fire, and hate each other from the first words they speak to each other. Edric is far too high-strung and self important for Baby, and Baby is far too careless and dismissive in return. So when they have to be pulled apart by Tyreek Olive in the dying embers of the city, it isn’t a surprise, really.

So here’s how it goes: Edric Tosser, prophesied son of Joliet, failure only to themself, gets replaced 4 seasons later by a flame-stoked firebug with rage on a hair-trigger and Baby, full of regrets xe’ll never admit, thinks Now here’s a chance to start over and xe’s only half right.

So here’s how it goes: It all starts one drunken night in Baltimore during the back half of season 10 when Bertie goads the three of them into a haphazard game of spin the bottle. Baby and Declan have already been dancing around each other for months in the year or so after whatever the fuck happened with Tillman, and Edric has made out with Declan at least twice this season, though they’ll never admit it with a straight face. So it’s Edric and Baby and a bottle pointed between them; and maybe it doesn’t quite fit, but maybe it doesn’t have to.

So here’s how it goes: The three of them move in together over great siesta; and it isn’t great and it isn’t bad but it is something. Declan cries far more than he’ll ever admit and Edric goes through a pack a day some weeks and Baby takes too many walks in the bone-numbing cold, but they try and they try and try. The bed they share feels claustrophobic sometimes, a pile of bodies strung together too tight, and in the back of Edric's mind there’s a ticking clock that they can’t seem to stop.

So here’s how it goes: Everything falls apart.

Baby starts reverberating, and xe can’t explain the way xe suddenly feels claustrophobic in xir own body, the way it hurts to try and make sense of the way it ripples through xem.

Declan has an allergic reaction on the field again and is so tired he could cry. It’s painful, all of it, and he can’t explain the way exhaustion becomes deep-rooted in his bones, the way it burrows in so deep it seems like it may never leave.

Edric is pitching and hears the keening of the feedback and finds themself in blue instead of red. Somehow it’s scarier than a new universe was, and they can’t explain the way the dread in their stomach mixes with relief, the way it almost feels like the new beginning they never really got.

So here’s how it goes: Declan gets shadowed and Declan starts working on himself and Declan grows up and Declan moves on. Baby is almost jealous at the way he gets to be a firefighter and nothing more, that he gets to leave blaseball behind. (Xe knows this isn’t true, not really, but if there’s one thing xe’s always been, it’s bitter.)

Edric makes a friend and then watches them die right in front of him, and they can see the disappointment in their teammates at every game they lose, so it’s almost a relief when they get shadowed. So, he works. He works in the pit, helping backstage, and works at the smithy, blackened fingertips that remind him a little too much of the mines he worked in as a teenager. And he doesn’t call home to Chicago, because maybe it’s a little too much to have gone from a disappointment with at least a purpose to one without; so when the phone rings he lets it, and tries to build a new life.

And Baby? Baby plays, because xe has to.

So here’s how it goes: They haven’t spoken in at least a decade. But Edric gets brought out of the shadows for the first time in ten years, and Baby starts to think. Because, before all of the fights and the drama, they were friends of some kind, and xe misses them, desperately and fiercely. So it’s a slow process, but they’re both building a bridge, brick by brick until they’re sitting on top of it, sharing a pack of cigarettes. And they’re both older and they’re both wiser and it feels like it could be something real if they both just try.

So here’s how it goes: They’re rapidly approaching the end of the world, and two blaseball players make a promise. It’s a promise to answer when the other one calls, no matter how late or how long. It’s a promise to check in and keep each other sane and it’s a promise to not lose the tenuous ground that they’ve made.

And that’s where our story begins.

-BEEP-

“Hey Eddie- just wanted to call to say I'm sorry. I know how excited you were to actually be active this season. If it was anyone else I'd probably say some bullshit about how it's probably safer in the shadows, but you don't need that patronizing shit. So, uh give me a call when you get this, I guess. Or don't; I can't imagine I'm the first person you want to talk to right now, but I'm here if you want. Uh, bye, I guess.”

Edric shakes his head. Of course it doesn't feel great to be shadowed again, and realistically, it's something Baby will probably never have to experience, but only someone as self-deprecatingly idiotic as Baby Triumphant would turn that into him not wanting to talk to xem. That won't do, not in a season like this.

“Hey idiot, you really thought I wouldn't want to talk to you-”

-

-BEEP-

“Hey, uh, I know service in the shadows is spotty at best but, uh, please call me when you get this? I’m sure you’ve, well, seen what happened by now and we’re all kinda freaking out over here. Declan’s not taking losing Atlas particularly well–I mean, not that any of us are but–I figure you can’t be handling it that great either. God, it’s times like this I wish you were still here, it’s just– Her window showed up before we even heard the news. And the fact that it was a whole fucking team, just like that– I’m scared, Edric. So yeah, call me when you get this, I– I need to hear your voice, I think.”

He sees the pictures of the burnt-out husk of the Meadow, and thinks of Atlas, his oldest friend in this world and his own, and how she spent far more years in the shadows than she ever did playing. Even back then, she never returned back to Chicago much, and he can’t blame her, not now that he’s felt the distinct absence of the dispatch, how empty it feels to be in the city without it in the back of your head. And still, even with the magnitude of losing an entire team, the only thing he can focus on is Atlas. It’s all a little bit too much like Morrow for comfort.

-

-BEEP-

“Uh, I don’t really know what to say other than I’m so, so sorry. It’s a hard blow after yesterday for any of us but you… I know you didn’t technically grow up together but all I’ve got running through my head are those stories you told me about the two of you as kids, and those damn nights we spent in their apartment back in the day. I’m so sorry, Edric, I really am. No one deserves this– I mean, not any of us, but least of all you. So uh, let me know if there’s anything I can do, and I’ll damn well try my best.”

Bertie is the day after, and even though they didn’t technically grow up together here, they’ve always been so similar to the one he did grow up with that it stings in a million different ways. That, on top of the dozens of years he spent camping on Bertie and Brock’s couch in between games, has him splitting at the seams a little. There’s no time for a funeral, not during a week like this (not during a season like this either, it seems), so instead he sits, hunched over, in the locker room as he tears a hole through his uniform, right over his heart, and tries not to let the sobs overtake him.

(In a year, he’ll light a candle for them both. In a year, he’ll say the prayers, whispered into the void around them, even though in that time he’s technically died and seen them both. In a year, he’ll cry and wish he was home, but in a year, he’ll also feel a little more okay, the wounds less fresh, less raw.)

“Hey, sorry– I just saw the news, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. I should have called you, it’s just– things have been so hectic here, not surprisingly.”

“God, I can only imagine. Is ve– is ve okay? Mullen was saying ve was looking pretty roughed up by that last game in New York.”

“It’s not…” Baby can still see the way Agan looked stumbling out the Secret base like it’s painted on the back of xir eyelids, the way ve was sopping wet and still covered in blood and like a drowning man alive. “It’s not great, but I think ve’ll be okay? We looked vim over and patched vim up, so, you know, just gotta rest at this point.”

Xe doesn’t mention the 45 stitches xe helped Lou give vim, the way both their hands shook as the needle passed through and through and through; the way the blood was still soaking through the gauze even after all of that.

“How are you feeling about all of this?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, fire protector and all…”

Oh, the part xe was trying to avoid. “It’s uh– I don’t know, it feels complicated, you know? And I have a feeling our lady might have a little something to do with this, and I don’t know how I feel about her intentions here.”

“Oh?”

“Let’s just say I have a hunch and leave it at that for now.” If it’s what xe thinks it is, some kind of twisted penance for the hell they’ve been through, it’s a gift xe doesn’t want. But Edric hasn’t heard her call in almost two decades, hasn’t heard the way it’s stretched and strained and so xe’ll stay quiet for now.

“Well fine, be like that.” Edric pauses and it’s like xe can hear the debate over what to say going on in their head. “Make sure you get some sleep, yeah?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah? When was the last time you slept, seriously? If I know you, and I think I do, you volunteered to take first watch over Agan. Am I right?”

Shit. “...Guilty.” It isn’t worth trying to bluff this one, not when Agan’s sleeping form is across from xem and xe’s going on hour 32 of no sleep.

“So yeah, please get some sleep, Baby. I know taking care of yourself has never been a strong suit, but please? For me?”

“Well, if it’s for you…”

“Good night, Baby. Don’t make me sell you out to Justice.”

And that’s enough to make his heart drop. Maybe he has a point.

Edric’s last two days in the shadows are tense, an unknowing anxiety building in him until he soundly finds himself on the field of the Pocket and finally knows why. He watched the video of Baby breaking xir bat against a consumer almost incessantly since yesterday, worry building in his stomach as he tries to avoid thinking about the Fridays (how Sutton must have felt as the sand turned to glass) and the Crabs (the ache of instability in the corpse of a rotting god).

As he reaches the dugout, his phone is already ringing, and he slides it open without a second thought.

“So you broke back out already? That didn’t take long.”

He can’t help rolling his eyes, even though he knows xe won’t see. “You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

“Oh, good! Glad to know it’s working.”

“What’s working?” He sits back on the bench, watching the rest of the team filter out, not wanting to deal with the disappointment he can feel residing in their eyes.

“Oh, you know, my undeniable charm.”

“Ha.”

Baby seems to pick up on the tiredness in his voice. “Everything okay? I thought you’d be more excited about this, given that well, you’ve never been one to deal well with being idle at times like these.”

“What can I say, it’s the adhd!”

“Edric…”

He sighs. “God, okay, it’s just that– well, it’s not like my teammates are particularly thrilled to see me.”

That seems to give Baby pause. “…What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s no secret that I keep replacing people everyone actually likes. First Agan, then Lancey, now Dervin… I’m better off in the shadows, I think.”

“They like you, Edric.”

“Combs liked me. Pothos likes me. Mikan, on a good day, maybe. Everyone else, I’m not so sure.”

“I just–” Baby pauses in a way Edric has come to recognize is xem thinking through what xe’s about to say, and oh, isn’t that a difference. “I just wonder if you’re not giving them enough credit.”

And the thing is, Edric knows xe’s probably right, that he’s letting his own fears of rejection get in front of him, but there’s part of him that’s righteous and bitter that he still sometimes feels on the outskirts of the team this many years on.

The words are spilling out of him before he can stop them, hot and angry without a target. “You would take their side, wouldn’t you.”

“Babe,” –And if it was any other time, his heart would flip at that– “I’m not trying to invalidate how you’re feeling or anything like that, just that there are two sides of every story, yeah? We, of all people, should know that.”

Baby’s reminder of the fights they used to have, hurt cloaked in barbed words, is enough to make him deflate. “Yeah.”

“Is it my turn to tell you to get some sleep?”

“Probably, yeah.”

“You’ll feel better for it. Good night, Edric.”

He sits there for another minute, head leaned back against the wood of the dugout, as he tries to simmer some of the rage he didn’t even know he had boiling in him, before heading out on the trek back to his apartment.

Maybe he can rope Pothos into finding some crops in need of a burn.

“Jesus fuck, Baby, are you okay?”

Baby winces as xe shifts xir phone to the other side, pulling at the freshly done stitches on xir torso.

“I take it you saw the video?”

“Yeah, Ruthless, I fucking saw the video. You still haven’t answered my question.”

Xe looks down at the blood seeping through the gauze and tries to decide how honest to be here.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong; it really fucking hurtd. Turns out getting chomped by a consumer sucks ass–”

“Ruth–”

“–But I can handle it. At least I’m not Socks right now.”

Edric quiets. “…How’s she doing?”

Xe looks up from where said cat is sleeping on the counter. “Resting. Stupid damn cat kept deciding to jump in front of me. I didn’t even think she liked me before this!”

“Well, stranger things have happened, I suppose.”

The line goes silent for a minute, just echoed breaths across state lines.

Edric coughs. “Seriously though, are you really okay?”

“I’ll be fine. Can’t get rid of me that easy, I’m afraid.”

“Hey, not to be like this but I’m actually worried about you? I tried calling earlier and nothing went through and I know we’ve both been having trouble with signal this year but I saw what happened on the news so I kinda don’t think I'm overreacting here. So yeah, you better call me when you get this, or else; and if you actually forgot me I’ll kill you, asshole. God, you better be okay.”

Him and Baby have been keeping up their promise, some days talking for hours on end (catching up for lost time, it sometimes seems), some days a five minute check-in just to make sure the other is still there.

Day 53 is different. Day 53, he sees the news and already has a sinking pit in his stomach.

(It isn’t unexpected, though, not when last night’s conversation went a little like this:

“Are you sure about this? Really sure?”

“Listen, Edric. We’re so close already, and Sandy called and asked– We can’t let them go into this alone, not when we have the chance to help. We just can’t, you know that.”

“Yeah, I do.” Silence echoes on the line. “Just, you know, don’t forget me or anything like that.”

“Of course.”)

The team is Scattered, and he doesn’t know what that means. Of course, he’s seen Scattered up close, with Steph and Lancey and both of their glazed-over looks. Seen them forget, and forget, and maybe get something back with a letter in turn–he doesn’t know what to expect here.

And even with all of that, when he picks up the phone to utter, deafening silence, it still breaks him a little.

He thinks a lot these days about what it means to watch. What it means to witness, and how Tyreek there and Josh here had both sat him down on his first day to tell him the importance of Never Looking Away. And even after almost 40 years, it’s still ingrained in him to the bone.

(It’s a contract he didn’t know he signed, all those years ago. So he is learning the totality of this, what it means to bear witness, even in the face of the unknown.)

It isn’t until a few days later when he’s finally able to get through, even though Baby’s voice comes through distorted from the other end of the line.

“Oh thank god, I’ve been so worried! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the past 2 days straight, Ruthless, you can’t just leave me hanging like that. Are you okay? Are you all okay? All I’ve been able to see is the news reports and we all know they’re shoddy at best–”

“Edric.” Baby’s voice stops his spiral in its tracks.

“Sorry. Seriously though, are you okay?”

“We’ll uh, we’ll be fine, I think. It’s not like normal scattered, with the memory shit and everything, it’s just that kind of brain fuzz you get late at night, like that liminal space between sleep and not sleep…”

“Look at you, using big words.” Baby’s laugh on the other end is strained, and he winces. “Kidding. So everything’s okay, then?”

“Not exactly. It’s, well…” The silence speaks louder than any words ever could.

“There’s something you’re not telling me,”

“It’s another Great Fire, Edric. Three deaths on my shift last night, and another two on the one before that. We probably should have seen it coming, but there’s so much happening, and it snuck up on us too fast. We need to start evacuating, but the chief has to sign off on it first, and well– you know how that goes.”

Edric wasn’t there for the last one, not even the tail end like he knows his counterpart was. So he’s heard lots of tales about the roiling flames that take over the city in times like these; times of great pressure and change and renewal. It’s the city’s way of taking control, of forcing her hand when things get too rough, when stagnancy has taken root and needs to be purged for new things to grow. But he’s never actually been there for one, and part of him is glad. There’s a part of him, deep in the dark recesses of his chest, that finds it all a little too close to home, too close to the version of him that would light a fire just to watch it consume every little bit of wrongness, every little mistake before him. So though he’s still a firefighter in a way that’ll never leave him, it’s a relief to not be in the city right now, it seems.

“Have you guys decided where you’re going yet?” Baby’s voice draws him back out again.

“Uh, not yet, no. We’re pretty torn between the Hall and the Vault at the moment.” Torn, he thinks, is a nice way of framing the full-blown arguments that have been popping up in the past few days. He shudders thinking of yesterday when he had to pull Riley off of Steph, and god it’s times like these where he misses being part of a team where all it took was a friend asking for help to make a quick decision.

“And you? Where do you want to go?”

“I mean, if I could pick, I’d probably go to the horizon, I think. Not just for the Crabs–” Though he’d be lying to himself if that wasn’t at least part of it. “–But, I don’t know, you know me, I’d rather face an unknown than the past, I think.”

“You sure you don’t want to party it up with us in the desert?” He can hear Baby’s smirk over the phone as if xe was right there.

“Nah, being stuck with you for maybe eternity? I think I’m good.” Oh, he hopes xe can tell that they're joking, because he would give almost anything to make that the case right now.

Baby sounds almost genuinely offended. “Hey! I’m not that bad.”

“Oh, you say that now but–”

He’s interrupted by an insistent knocking on his door, followed immediately by Pothos bellowing.

“Team meeting, Tosser, let’s go! You got 3 minutes!”

The groan escapes him without even thinking. “Sorry, I–”

Baby is laughing, even though he can tell xe’s trying to muffle it. “That bad, huh?”

“It’s the third one today. If I have to sit through another goddamn debate about what we’re going to do, I’m going to scream, I swear to god.”

“Well, I’d wish you luck, but instead I’m just going to tell you not to kill anyone!”

“Yeah, yeah… I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”

“Bye, Edric.”

He takes a minute to flop back onto his bed before grabbing his keys and heading out. Pothos is waiting outside his door like a cat ready to pounce, and it takes him by surprise enough to make him jump.

“Jesus, Pothos. Give a guy a break huh?”

She ignores him, poking his side as they begin to take off towards the Pocket. “Was that Ruthless again? You guys sure have been talking a lot; you sure you don’t got anything to share?”

He gives her his patented dagger glare. “I’ll kill you–”

Her cackle echoes across the valley.

The smoke in the city is as thick as it was the day xe first came to Chicago. Flames lick the corners of the brick and ash lines the street like blackened snow. Evacuation was yesterday, managing to clear out most of the city before the collision, and now it’s eerily silent; just the crackle of flames against a backdrop of pounding footsteps and the slight hum of the dispatch. Every station in the city is working ‘round the clock, the Firefighters pitching in when they can between games, which is as exhausting as one would imagine.

Baby Triumphant is still at bat; a bastion of a million things xe’s never believed in, but someone has to be.

It’s strange, being torn between two planes at once. Because as much as the smoke fills up xir lungs and the ash stings xir eyes, xe can feel the rattling of the bus as it careens towards the empty expanse of the desert, the feeling of the steering wheel beneath xir hands as tangible as any burning building.

So here’s how it goes: They’re playing against each other in Breckenridge, and it’s the last series they have against each other for the season or maybe ever, and Baby doesn’t know how to feel about it. The Firefighters are racing back to the desert and the Jazz Hands towards the hall and it’s all very metaphysical because xe can feel xir feet steady on the ground of the stadium but also their back against the vinyl of the bus but the bottom line is– this is the last time they’re going to see each other for a long, long time.

So here’s how it goes: It’s day 78 and the game finishes, and part of Baby wants to walk away without even saying anything, but the far bigger, braver part of xem reaches for Edric after the crowds file out but before either of them can leave the field and pulls them into a tight embrace. The kiss is desperate and panicked and full of mourning for what could have been, but it’s a million times better than the last one they shared, a similarly desperate affair to mend a bridge that was already broken. If it wasn’t the end of the world, there would be jeering from both teams, but instead they’re allowed the privacy a last moment deserves.

So here’s how it goes: Baby goes back to the burning embers of Chicago, and the next day, the Jazz Hands enter the hall and die.

Xe doesn’t know what any of this means, not really, but xe does know that kiss is something they don’t regret.

The hall is well– it doesn’t matter because the moment he sees Atlas he nearly bows her over. Josh too, and he’s crying harder than he ever has before, tears running down his face, soaking into the shoulder of her shirt as she holds on for dear life.

It’s not the Atlas he joined the Firestarters with, the one he grew up with all the way back in the day. They’ve talked about it, but it's the closest either of them are going to get to that, and none of that matters because he’s holding her again, his hands cupping her face.

“It’s you.”

Tears are running down her face too, and he wipes a stray one away. “I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t know why you’re here, but I’m fucking glad you are.”

“I was so damn worried about you–”

“–Bitch, me too! What the hell is going on out there?”

“Well, looks like the Tigers are about to kill the Coin if they keep steady, for one thing.”

“Good riddance.”

He looks past her to Josh and Goobie and José, Bertie and Brock just a little further back, and then back to her. “Sorry, I–”

“No, no, go!”

Even further back, he can see the lot of them; Tamara, Bauer, Combs… He wants to run to them so desperately it’s only Atlas’s touch that’s keeping him grounded. The rest of the team is crowded there though, and so he lets them have their moment and turns back to the firefighters.

When he hugs Josh for the first time in over two decades, something breaks open very deep inside of him, and then he’s crying even harder, which he didn’t even think was possible, and then Goobie is there too, and oh, it’s such a mess but just for this moment it’s all worth it.

In the thick of it, Josh leans in even closer, whispering in his ear, “I know you’re not going to be here long, but let's talk before you go, yeah?”

So that’s how he finds himself walking the long, twisted walls of the hall with Josh by his side.

“So, how has it been? Did you end up settling in okay? I’ve heard bits and pieces from some of the others, but I want to hear it from you.”

“Oh well, you know… I ended up shadowed for a while. Went in season 15 and only came out last season.”

Josh nods. “So I heard. How was that?”

“I mean, it was good at first; gave me a chance to try and figure out who I was outside firefighting, who I was without Chicago, I guess. But you know me, I don’t do well without things to do; the more restless I am…”

“...The worse it gets, yeah, I remember. They find things for you to do?”

“Mikan taught me to use the smithy? That was good, got to fix stuff up and feel productive, I guess. It’s just not the same, though.”

“I mean, it was never going to be, right? That’s the whole thing about going somewhere new.”

“No, you’re right.” Edric sighs, shaking his head. “How are you still so infuriatingly right all the time?”

Josh grins. “It’s a specialty, what can I say? And don’t think I haven’t noticed you escaping the question, you’re dancing around what I asked; so, how did you settle in Breckenridge?”

“How honest do you want me to be?”

Josh shoots him a look, and he can’t blame them. This is a road they’ve walked many times before, as hard as he tries.

“Okay, okay. I mean, I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy…”

“But…” They urge him on.

“But… I don’t know, I still feel out of place far more than I’d like. It’s like I’ve never really found my footing, and I’ve been there longer than I ever was in Chicago.”

“And why do you think that is?”

“How is it that we’re having our first conversation in like twenty years and you’ve already turned all therapist-y on me?”

They’ve come to a fork in the hall, and Edric waits for Josh to point them before they start walking again.

“Someone’s gotta do it.”

Edric scoffs. “Oh, don’t give me that. You know, if Justice was here, she’d tear you a new one for how much you were taking on without any of us knowing. When we figured that one out, it was not pretty, let me tell you–”

“You’re still avoiding the question.”

He sighs. “Okay, listen. I don’t think they all like me very much, and that’s fine! I know I’m abrasive and a little bit of a shit and besides, no one’s going to be liked by everyone. And when I keep replacing people other people actually care about, well, I'd probably feel the same way.”

“Edric…” Josh has stopped walking. “Do you really think the team doesn’t like you?”

“I mean, I don’t know if I would if I was in any of their positions, so why should they?”

“All I’m saying is that I’ve only ever heard good things about you from the ones around here. Bauer, Tamara, Combs; they all loved you from what I can tell.”

Edric starts walking again. “Yeah, well, of course Bauer and I were going to get along, have you seen the two of us? And Tamara was the de-facto captain by the time I was there, ze was like, legally required to like me. Combs…”

Josh waits patiently for them to continue in a way that he’s missed so desperately, not prodding but allowing him to gather his thoughts in his own time.

“Combs was Combs and Combs was absolutely brilliant and Combs was a little too much like Morrow for me to deal with, so of course we got along like a house on fire.”

And he doesn’t have to say anymore than that, because Josh knows the whole story of Doc and the way he fell in love with his childhood best friend and barely released before it was too late, and oh, that’s sounding eerily similar right now.

He shoves that thought to the side when Josh pipes up, “Do you want to know what I think?”

“Of course.”

“Listen, you’ve always had pretty thick walls up, yeah? We can both admit that, right? And it took me, what, almost a year to get you to actually talk to me about stuff?”

“Yeah.”

“So, the way I see it, there might have been a lack of work put in on both sides. Probably due to timing, honestly. From everything I’ve heard, season 13 was as bad for you guys as season 12 was for us, and you know as well as I do how things can get lost in the frey during times like that.

Edric sighs. “Yeah, I do.”

“You’re kinda like a scared cat–”

“Hey!”

“It’s true! You need to be coaxed out of your shell with patience and you’ll scream and bite until you are. But Edric, you gotta give them and yourself some grace. These are the people you’re about to spend the end of the world with, it’s never too late.”

They’ve reached back to the front of the hall where they started, and he can see the rest of the team waiting for him. Josh grabs him in for one last hug.

“You’re always right. It’s infuriating, you know that?”

“I do. Be more kind to yourself, Edric. You deserve it.”

He pulls back, still holding onto their arm, not quite ready to let go.

“I love you so much.”

“Love you too. Now go on, get out of here!”

Edric takes one last deep breath, and steps back into the fray.

Baby has been driving for what feels like 20 hours but is more like 6 as they continue into the darkness, the ever-expanding maw of the black hole stretching across the sky, blocking out any of the light that was once there. Lou sits in the seat next to xem, legs drawn up onto the seat so she can rest her chin against them, head leaning against the cool glass of the window. Everyone else has fallen asleep in the back, and xe can hear the gentle snoring from Geepa and Caleb, background like the rumbling rocks of the gravel road.

“Ruthless?” Lou doesn’t lift her head, keeping her eyes fixated on the road in front of them.

“Yeah?” Their relationship has always been a little off, ever since that first siesta after coming back. A five-minute-fling turned to strained locker room talk, and still she might as well be xir best friend at the end of the day.

“Bear with me; end of the world and all, but– do you ever feel like you have any regrets?”

“Of course I do.”

“Care to share? I don’t know, maybe trade off, you know?” Baby’s known Lou long enough to tell that there’s something she wants to get off her chest, but xe’s willing to play along.

“Sure, yeah. I regret not punching Knight when I had the chance, for one.”

“Rue, come on…”

“What? It’s true. I should have punched them when we got into that fight during that wild card series…” Xe trails off seeing the disapproval on Lou’s face.

The cab goes silent, xem refusing to continue until Lou pokes him with their shoe.

“Ugh, fine, I guess.” Xe glances out the window like the darkness can rescue him from this conversation. “I regret not sorting my shit out with Edric earlier. It took like, what, 3 years max to get my shit with Declan figured out? And in retrospect neither of us gave him much grace for something that wasn't his fault. So instead we lost like a decade of stuff that could have been something because I couldn’t get my head out of my ass. That good enough for you?”

Out of the corner of xir eye, xe can see her mouth agape. “Damn, you really actually like him, huh? This isn’t just a second try kinda deal, you really actually care! Who knew, Baby Ruthless has a heart after all–” She’s cut off by xem slapping her leg.

“Cut it.”

She gives a typical Lou-type laugh, loud and bright, before remembering the truck is filled with a bunch of sleeping firefighters. “Okay, okay, enough teasing.”

Xir right hand starts fiddling with the air, trying to relieve some of the heat that’s been creeping in the further they get into the desert. “Come on, your turn.”

She tucks back in against her knees, saying in a whisper so quiet xe almost misses it, “I think I should have asked Rivers to marry me.”

Xe tries not to let the shock show too heavily on xir face. “Oh?”

“Yeah, you know that she actually asked me a couple years back? It was right after she got shadowed, and, you know, me being me, I couldn’t actually say yes because the idea of proper commitment gives me hives–”

“–You and me both–”

“–Right. So I just didn’t answer. But now everything is falling apart, literally, so…”

“Nothing like the end of the world to make you hear some hard truths, I guess.”

She sighs. “Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”

The sky is just so inescapably dark and god xe wishes xe could see the stars in a moment like this.

“Well, you know, at least the Tacos are heading to the Desert too? They should make it in time and as long as they do you can always ask again. At least it’s not like…”

Lou’s hand creeps across to cover xirs and gives a light squeeze. “You’re right, I should count myself lucky. He’s gonna be okay though, he’s gotta be.”

Ruthless can count the number of times xe’s cried in front of a teammate in one hand, so it’s to absolute horror that xe realizes there’s tears running down xir face.

“Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself too. Just gotta keep believing it, I guess.”

This time the squeeze lasts longer, and even though xe wants to shake her off, xe doesn’t.

“We’re all gonna come out of this, one way or another. Hopefully it’s just in one piece.”

Day 97.

His voice is muffled on the line, barely legible, but still–

“I don’t think we’re gonna make it, Ruth. We’re too far away and there’s not enough fuel and–” Edric’s voice distorts even more, but Baby can still hear it crack, even as he lowers to a whisper. “–I’m just so scared. I need to– I need to be here, I know I do, but god part of me wishes I was home.”

Baby’s heart is caught in xir throat, and there’s a million things xe wants to say as xe looks up at the smoke-tinged sky, trying to blink the tears away. Xe wants to say “I love you, I’ve loved you since we were 23 and stupid and before you were even this you, I think,” or “Sorry we’ve always been such a mess, I don’t know what the fuck we’ve been doing or what we are right now, but it’s something and I want to try,” or “I still think about that fight we had one year where I broke that glass and didn’t speak to you for a month, and I’m sorry,” or “I wish you could be here in my arms right now, I just want to be able to know that you’re real, that we’re both real,” but xe doesn’t. Instead what comes out of xir mouth is:

“Have you talked to Declan yet?”

Xe can feel Edric’s surprise from the other end. “What? I’m sorry, it’s just–”

“The world’s about to end, Eddie. We all might die, and you’re technically already dead. I don’t know about whatever the fuck ended up going down between you two, but don’t you want to at least be on decent terms when the world ends?”

The line goes silent, and for a moment xe thinks this is it, that their tenuous connection has finally gone down, but a cough brings xem back. “I… you might be right. God, I hate it when you pull this shit. End of the world and you’re still trying to mediate our shit while avoiding your own.”

That draws a laugh out of xem. “It’s a specialty. Want me to track him down?”

A sigh. “Can you?”

So xe flags Declan down, and watches as their face turns from confused, to angry, to somber, and looks away as they start crying, because then it’s like xe’s intruding on too private a moment. Leaning against the brick and picking at his thumbs while trying not to choke on the smoke, xe waits until Declan gently touches his shoulder, handing back the phone.

Xe stands up, brushing off xir legs, and he takes in how Declan’s breathing is off, red-rimmed eyes to match. Placing a hand on their shoulder, xe leans in, “You okay?”

Declan shakes his head but there’s warmness to it, and nods to the phone. “We’ll talk about it later. Go do what you need to, we’re almost out of time.”

Baby sighs, takes a deep breath and then brings the phone to xir ear. “So, was I right?”

Edric gives a broken laugh. “Of course you were, dumbass.”

Baby pauses, mulling over what xe’s about to say. “Is this a bad time for me to say I think I might love you?”

“Only if it’s a bad time for me to say it right back.”

“You know, I wish we had figured this out sooner.”

“It wouldn’t be us if we had, I think.” And on that, xe can agree. ”I just know that it’s you and me at the end of the world–”

The line goes dead. Baby knows that xe was lucky to have connection this long in the desert at all, especially with Edric as far as he is, but xir heart still stops for a second. Because this might be the end, might really be the end, but xe can’t let xir mind go there, not now. Not when xe still has a team to keep together and a city to keep from burning, so xe just has to hope that he knows. Xe’s gotta believe it counts for something.

Baby can’t stop looking at the sky. The darkness is all consuming in a way that’s overwhelming and subtle all at once, and there’s a part of xem that could look at it forever.

(When Baby was a teenager, on nights xe couldn’t sleep xe would crawl up onto the roof and let the stars sing xem to sleep. Their place in the valley meant that the sky was full of them, bright and shimmering for as long as the eye could see. This was before the sun was gone, or the moon, and so the sky was pure, nothing artificially forged, just dying stars shining bright.

Some mornings, usually when xir parents were gone on business trips, xe would wake up to find a blanket over them that had definitely not been there the night before. Xe never talked to Knight about it, but maybe xe should have.

Too late now.)

Part of xem can feel the grainy sand of the desert floor as they lean back, staring at the sky, and the part can feel the rough brick of the roof of the firehouse. In any other situation xe would probably be concerned, but xe doesn’t think it matters anymore.

“Hey.”

Xe can tell just from the voice that it’s Declan, and that’s the only thing keeping xem from snapping as he sits down next to xem.

“Hey.”

The silence is almost as overwhelming as the sky in the way it stretches between the two of them; drawn out, expansive, and cold. Xe can feel the earth shift a bit as Declan lies down to match xem, staring at the sky instead of each other. When it becomes clear he’s not going to say anything, xe takes a deep sigh and starts.

“So?”

“Do you ever feel… I don’t know. So like, the thing is, we all might die tomorrow, right?”

“We might, yeah.”

“And the thing is, I can’t stop thinking about all the ways I’ve fucked up, you know? And I’ve grown up, hell, we all have! We’ve all grown up so much. But still, I was so selfish for so long, and I don’t know… part of me’s wondering if there’s some karmic bullshit out there waiting for me or if the karma’s just that, you know, I’m thinking about this at the end of the world.”

“Is this about Edric? Because I literally just had this conversation with Lou two days ago–”

“No! Well, yes,” Even though they’re both still staring at the sky, xe can hear the grimace in his voice. “But it’s not just that. There’s the way I treated everyone after the peanut and all that shit that went down with Tilly–”

Baby finds xemself giving an involuntary growl. “I hate that fucker so much, he was never good enough for you, and out of the the things you have to feel sorry about that sure as hell isn’t one–”

Declan reaches his hand across to grab xir arm and pulls xem back down. “And that’s an argument I didn’t mean to reignite. Point being, full of regrets at the end of the world and wanted to check I wasn’t the only one.”

Baby sighs. “Yeah, no, I don’t think you’re alone on that one. Did talking to Edric help, at least?”

His voice brightens. “It did, actually! He was my best friend before anything else, and I think I needed to be reminded of that, you know?”

“Yeah,” And Baby finds xemself giving a light chuckle. “Yeah, I do.”

They fall back into silence again, but this time it’s not nearly as oppressive. Instead, it’s almost like a comfort blanket, the way their breaths fall in sync with each other, even all these years on. They stay like that for what could be a moment too long if it was anyone else, but Baby can find solace in this one, xe thinks. Finally, xe tears xir eyes away from the sky, turning on their side to look at Declan.

“So you’re, like, not upset that I’m actually considering making this something real with Edric, right? If we all get through this, obviously.”

Declan rolls over to match them, and it’s the first time all night they’ve met eyes.

“Why would I be? You’re both people I care about a lot, even if I haven’t been showing it lately, but, I mean, if it makes you happy…”

“I just–” Baby sighs. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I just didn’t want you to feel left out or some bullshit like that? Because at one point, it was, you know, the three of us, and if the two of us are going to do something I don’t want you to think it’s a reflection on you or anything like that–”

And then, Declan honest-to-god laughs, and if this conversation wasn’t already confusing enough, Baby would be in shock.

“Sorry, no, I promise I’m not laughing at you, it’s just–” Declan takes a deep breath, getting it under control. “–None of us are the same people we were during grand siesta, right? That relationship was gonna fail because none of us were in the right place. It was a fucking mess, and so everything that happened, you know, the feedback and shit, just put pressure on something that was already going to crumble, and I already had all that shit with Tilly I ended up needing to work through– Bottom line, I’m not in a position to be with anyone right now. I don’t want to, and I’ve got my own shit to work through; but if the two of you are at that place after all the time you’ve spent trying to become better people, then who am I to be upset? I don’t see my two exes getting back together again without me, I see my two best friends deciding to love each other at the scariest possible moment, so you know, same shitty timing as always, but if it makes the two of you happy, then I’m glad.”

Baby grips Declan’s arm like it could give the reassurance xe needs itself. “You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Xe flops back down on xir back, letting the rough earth cushion xem. “God, we really have grown up, huh. Who the hell let us be like, actual functioning adults–”

“–I don’t know if anyone would ever describe you as functioning or well-adjusted–”

“Hey!” Xe slaps his arm. “I might deserve that but– Just, damn. Guess it only took us 50 years or so, huh?”

“Something like that.”

The stars still don’t shine, but xe thinks xe can imagine it, in a dream.

Day 98.

The hole is so close. It’s so close that as Edric stares out the window of the ship, he feels like he could touch it in all its glory; the wide expanse of space mixed with unknowable future.

He can hear Steph slide up next to him, can see them in the reflection of the window, but he doesn’t turn, too fixated on the vast emptiness.

“We’re not going to make it, are we?”

“I mean, there’s always a chance, but no, I don’t think so.” Steph starts. “So…”

“So?”

“Combs may have torn me a new one when we were in the hall.”

“Oh?” He still doesn’t turn, and it isn’t out of malice and it isn’t out of hurt, he is just so, so tired.

“They pointed out– well, they might have pointed out that we may have been giving the wrong impression.”

They wait for him to respond but he doesn’t, because this isn’t a conversation he’s particularly keen on having the day before the world ends.
After a moment, Steph continues. “No one here hates you or anything, just to be clear. Let’s just get that out of the way.”

“Never said you did.”

“Edric, come on. Work with me here.”

He sighs, breaking away from the window and crumpling down to the floor, sitting with his back against the wall. After a second, Steph joins him.

Edric’s head is in his hands, trying to hide how embarrassed he feels. “Look, I never thought anyone hated me, okay? I just see the difference in how everyone reacted when I came out to how y’all did for Lancey or Zippy, and like, I get it! Me replacing Agan wasn’t exactly starting with the right foot, and I know I can be abrasive and keep things close to my chest, it’s just that I’ve been here for 20 years at this point, and it’s hard to see that and not get these thoughts running around in my head.”

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Steph looking a little shocked, like they’re not quite sure how to proceed. Slowly, gently, they reach their arm over to place it on his, and he lifts his head just a fraction of an inch.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s me as much as you. I haven’t exactly been putting in the effort I should have been either, so this is all just as much my fault as it is any of yours. My brain can just, well, amplify things sometimes, I guess.”

Steph still seems to be a little bit at a loss, but eventually shakes their head.

“Well, it’s the end of the world, so no time like now to start over, I guess. They steel up, holding out their hand for him to shake. “Hi, I’m Steph Weeks. And you are?”

Edric laughs a little more brokenly than he’d like, but grabs their hand and shakes. “Edric Tosser at your service.”

“Tell me about yourself, Edric.”

And so he does. He tells them what it was like to be torn from a world so much different than this one and what it was like to have to adapt to a whole other set of expectations. He tells them about Morrow, how he fell so deep after so many years, and how that only compounded the grief that came with losing your entire world. He tells them about Baby and Declan and their mile high list of regrets, and how if they somehow make it out of this, there might just be a chance.

And he cries. He cries, and Steph doesn’t do anything other than nod and hand him a cloth. It’s a different type of comfort than what he would get from Josh, or Justice, or even Pothos, but they’re there and he can’t find himself anything other than grateful.

They talk into the night, but in the end, something unlocks in his chest that he didn’t even know was closed.

Day 99.

“Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail of Edric Tosser! If you’re looking to book an appointment for a stick and poke, my time is limited now that I’m playing again, but if you leave your name and number, we can make it work. Otherwise, leave a message, and I’ll get back to you when I can! If I like you, that is. Byeeeeeee!”

“Hey so, I know it’s like the end of the world or whatever and we’re all about to be wiped out by this goddamn black hole, and you’re technically already dead, whatever the fuck that means, but I feel like I’d regret it if I didn’t say it, so here goes. Uh, I know we really fucked up back then but I’ve kinda fallen in love with you this past year, I think. Something about the way we reconnected and came back together just– I don’t know… I guess what I’m trying to say is I love you. A lot. And I know I never actually said that the first time round, but hey, we were all emotionally stunted back then right? Which is– Never mind. But yeah, what I’m saying is if we both manage to get out of this, which might just be wishful thinking, but still–well, I’d like us to try. Like actually try. And I know we’re cities and planes apart, but like, I’d like to make it work, or at least give it a shot. I think we both owe ourselves that. And this might all be one big if, but if that’s the case, I’d at least like to go out knowing we tried, you know?

Anyways, I hope you get this, somehow, and I love you.”

-

“Hi, this is Ruthless. You know the deal, leave your name and number and I'll respond if I feel like it. Oh, and if this is Knight; just lose my number already, it's just kinda sad at this point. I reserve any right to say fuck off.”

“Jesus, Ruth, I can't believe you still have that message, it's been like 20 years… Anyways, I got your message. Might be something weird with the service out here, I don't know. But my answer is yes. Yes, if we get out of this, I'd like to try.

You know, I spent a long, long time being bitter. Because I didn't just lose my partners, I lost my best friends too. And I was so scared back then- Being separated from the one home I'd known was the most terrifying thing in the world. But I needed that space, I think. I needed to figure who I was outside of us, figure out who I was outside of the firefighters. And it's been so good getting to know you as we are now, after all that we’ve grown- it's really nice. So yeah, let's try, because I think I might love you too.

I'm staring out at this damn black hole, and it's so close. Can you see it too? Maybe we're looking at it at the same time, I don't know. Like two kids being connected by the moon. Do you remember the moon? I do. I remember kissing you for the first time underneath it and feeling like maybe I could be okay one day. And I still feel like that, I think, like anything is possible if we just try. So let's try, and if it falls apart again, then at least we'll know. But I'd rather that than not trying at all.

I love you too, and I really, really hope we get through this.”