Chapter Text
I knew this was coming.
It was so obvious - from the first time I fainted to the first time I felt sick to my stomach after walking up a flight of stairs.
It’s not something I’m proud of for hiding. It’s not something I’m proud of, full stop. But I also didn’t want my brother to worry. I didn’t want my friends to worry. I deserve it in a way. The longer you leave a chore, the harder the chore is to complete.
The longer you leave a kidney problem to grow, the harder the kidney problem is to solve.
- i know i love you -
It’s February.
The waiting room is dull. A plain white settles over everything - white curtains, white sheets, white walls. My eyes hurt everywhere I look.
Yeonjun and Soobin sit in the seats either side of mine, holding my hands and whispering reassurances to me as if I need the comfort. I guess it’s more for them than it is for me. At least I’ve had time to come to terms with what my new life will be like - white rooms with white doors that are never closed fully and constant check ups. Sounds enticing.
My friends had only noticed the changes in me after I fainted twice in less than half an hour. I felt guilty for scaring them like that, but I feel even guiltier for making them find out the hard way.
The door is opened and a doctor walks in, clad in white. His lab coat blinds me as it reflects the lights in the room. A name tag is pinned to the upper left of his chest. It reads “Kim Yoojun”.
His expression is completely unreadable, but I already know what he’s going to say; what I have known since my first black out. He grabs the attention of my friends, who perk up and give the doctor pleading looks of “say he doesn’t have it. Say it’s just iron deficiency or something!” and face Dr. Kim as if he holds my life in his hands. Which is quite funny to me because he kind of does.
“We’ve looked over the tests and did multiple repeats for accuracy. The biopsy results were revised as well. You don’t have anything like cancer-”
There are two shouts of joy and a small part of me smiles inside, warming up with the relief of not having such a deadly disease.
“-but we did another test to be sure and it seems you have acute kidney failure. I’m sorry.”
The shouts of joy become pitying looks that are sent my way before Dr. Kim has a chance to finish his explanation and I let a small grimace of guilt flash across my face before slipping my emotionless mask back on. The doctor doesn’t say anything else. He knows that we know.
“How bad is it?” Soobin asks and Dr. Kim is bowing his head in regret. I want to be mad. Here is a man, all he is meant to do is relay the results and advise us on how to go forward. But here he is acting like one of my close relatives and this development in my health moves him to tears. No, I take that back - I am mad.
“We need to find a donor soon. It’s quite serious actually. I’d say you have about two and a half years.”
And my anger dissipates so fast it leaves my head spinning. The world I thought I once knew crashes from the inside out because even though I knew, even though it shouldn’t be a shock to my system, I still wasn’t ready. There was - is - this small part of me that wanted to believe I was just being paranoid and there actually nothing wrong with me, but I guess that’s what happens when I let my emotions take control of my decisions. I thought I had learnt from all those years ago, but I guess I’m learning again.
Soobin has tears of guilt and regret streaming down his pale face. If anyone was to walk in, they would have thought Soobin was the one diagnosed, and not me. Yeonjun’s eyes hold nothing but pity. The walls of the white room suddenly feel too white, and I think about what is going to happen to me in the small amount of seconds, minutes, hours- time that I have left.
- in this world of zero, i know you're my one and only -
I was once told the sky is the limit. It's a constant presence in every human’s life. From the day they were born, the sky is there in all its glory until the day they die. The sky will be a forever thing. It will love us and it will be there for us because no matter how lonely we are, the sky is always there.
I’m starting to think that’s complete bullshit.
I look up at the sky now and all I see is time. The seconds, minutes, hours that are counting down until I take my last breath and don’t have my own place on earth anymore. The sky doesn’t love me, it loathes me to the point of a word stronger than utter disgust. Because to it, I’m nothing more than a piece of gum stuck to the sole of its shoe.
“Taehyun!”
And back to reality I come, moving my head from its lifted position facing the sky and meeting the concerned stare of Yeonjun who sits opposite me. “What?”
“I’ve been calling your name for the last minute and a half. What’s up?” He asks as if it’s a simple problem that he can fix. As if the kidneys in my body aren’t slowly failing to function. As if I am not slowly dying.
“Nothing. I’m just stuck in my head a little bit.” I wave his question away like a mosquito trying to bite me, and I go back to my sandwich which I’ve not even touched. My barely-there appetite had been demolished in mere seconds.
“Is it about Soobin?” He wiggles his eyebrows. I know it’s a joke to lift my mood from the news we received less than three hours ago, and I have half the mind to reach across the picnic table and slap him across the face, but I don’t. Instead I give an incredulous stare and help him dig the grave he has already started on for himself.
“No.”
“Are you sure? It would be absolutely valid you know. I wouldn’t be surprised anyways. Have you seen how good-looking he is and- wait. Why are you smirking?”
And it’s true. I can feel the smirk on my face because a certain 185 centimetre boy is standing right behind Yeonjun as he babbles on about Soobin and his dimples and his hotness. The boy smiles and decides now is the perfect time to make himself known, interrupting Yeonjun’s speech on why Soobin is the best person to ever exist.
“Careful, Yeonjun. With the way you talk about me, people would think you have a crush on me.” He says nonchalantly, sitting down next to the oldest and watching the realisation appear on his face. I burst out laughing.
Yeonjun blushes as I try to calm myself and my laughter. I love the irony of this situation. At least I don’t have to think about the sky and all its imperfections anymore.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Soobin smile in an accomplished sort of way, silently praising himself for making me smile, for making me laugh. A frown finds its place back on my face.
We sit and we talk and the sun is at its peak, shining brightly. And yet again, I am reminded of the time I don’t have and the mountain of secrets that I have mounted myself on.
Yeonjun forgets his question, deciding that Soobin’s face is way more important than how I feel. And for the first time since I met the two of them,
I’m so grateful that it is this way.
- in this endless darkness -
The butterfly effect is a funny concept to me. The smallest thing that happens now, today, in the present could be the cause of the biggest thing in the future. Maybe that’s what happened with me.
My family tree is practically empty of people with diseases. Only one person in my family tree had had leukaemia - my great great grandmother and she survived. She fought it and managed to live a good twenty eight more years before dying at the age of ninety five. My parents had told me the story a thousand and one times before they died. It was one they always used as an analogy.
“Always fight your way through it.” My father would say before tucking me into bed after a horrible nightmare. So if it meant going to hell and back to pay for the mistakes I’ve made in my life, I’ll do it. For him. For them.
The more I think about it the more my brain hurts. I’ve gone through nineteen years of my life leeching off of my parents and all they have provided. I have always wanted to repay them for every opportunity they gave me. I wanted to graduate university with that shiny piece of paper that really doesn’t mean anything to me. I wanted to make a difference in a world where differences can’t be made. It’s suffocating to think about the fact that they didn’t live long enough to receive all I wanted to give. But it doesn’t really matter anymore.
It’s not like I’m going to be able to find a donor to keep me alive long enough to fulfil the dream anyway.
- like oh my god, so holy -
Two days later and I’m packing my bags for the hospital. I don’t have much; my first year in university didn’t really give me much time to get anything. Halfway through my second year and my side of the dorm still looks bare. It makes packing easier I guess.
Yeonjun wraps himself around me, successfully cutting off the circulation to my neck. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“If you don’t let go of me in the next two seconds, I’ll block you from my visitors’ list.”
That has Yeonjun off of me in record time. He pouts, standing in the corner of the room and I send him a small smile of compensation. He knows I love him, he’ll be fine.
My bags are finally packed and I grab the one teddy bear I have, sitting next to the pillow on my bed. I breathe a sigh of relief as I place it on top of the duffle bag on the floor. I flop down on the bare mattress I used to call my bed.
Yeonjun sits down next to me and smiles pityingly and I have had enough of this already. I hate - that in itself is light - pity. It makes people do dumb, stupid things, thinking they can fix all your problems when in reality, they really can’t and it’s none of their business anyway.
“Stop that.” I say. He knows what I mean, knows I hate pity, knows those looks make me feel weak. The same looks I got from the police when they came to my front door last year-
But Yeonjun doesn’t need to know about that. Yet.
We lie together on the bare mattress in silence, not awkward, but not all that comfortable either.
- from the tip of my fingers -
I’m going to have a new home. I’m going to be monitored. I’m not going to leave the life I’ve known and enter one of dullness. I have come to terms with that and accepted my fate.
My friends, on the other hand, have not.
“Don’t forget about us.” Soobin wipes away a fake tear in his dramatics. God so help me if I don’t slap him now-
“We’ll visit everyday!” Yeonjun exclaims in determination. I roll my eyes, but my face betrays me, slipping them a grateful smile.
Control your emotions, Taehyun.
“Well. I guess I gotta go.” I say, acting all regretful. If I want them to leave me alone, I’ve got to play along with their game. It’s fitting really. If you can’t beat them, join them. I pull my suitcase behind me as I try to look for the doctor’s office. I can hear Soobin and Yeonjun still talking as they leave the ward.
I stand outside Dr. Kim’s office and knock lightly, waiting for a signal to enter. I can hear footsteps shuffling around before the dry, wooden door is opened and the doctor stands before me.
“Ah. Taehyun, glad to see you made it here safely.” I nod to signify that I was listening. “First things first, we need to find some relatives that we could find a donor in.” I break out in a cold sweat, but quickly take control of my body and offer a small smile. “I don’t really have any family.” I slowly rub my arm, calming my racing heart and not letting myself lose to emotions. Not again.
Dr. Kim bows his head in sympathy. “I see. Well until we do find a donor, I suggest you stay in bed for most of the time to avoid any accidents. We need to run extra tests to make sure we know of your condition. We don’t want you to get worse. I’ll lead you to your room.” He leads me out of the office, closing the door behind him.
I walk behind him, leading me to my room. The fluorescent lights hang above, the walls forever white and I feel my insides twist the deeper I get into the ward. My hands are sweaty and my eyes are slowly losing focus. Death is everywhere I look and I feel myself getting dizzy.
Control your emotions, Taehyun.
“This is it, Room T5. You’re going to be sharing with someone else. His name is Kai.” Dr. Kim informs me. The door is opened and instead of the room I had expected - white curtains, white sheets, white walls - I am greeted with an array of colours. Hues of all colours of the rainbow assault my eyes as I look around the room. Yellows, burgundies, violets, roses, lilacs - every gradient of every colour was there. And my eyes were nowhere but there.
“Ah, yes. I forgot to mention that Kai is well known in the ward as an artist. He’s really good.” Just ‘really good’? Understatement of the century.
Dr. Kim turns, ready to leave. He has a pitiful smile on his face and my insides twist at what I know is definitely circling in his brain. “Rest up. You’ll meet your nurse shortly. And I’m sure Kai will come back from...wherever he went.” He rolls his eyes, but I can see the small smile of fondness on his face. Kai must be special.
He leaves and I find myself flopping onto the bare mattress on the other side of the room. The side of the room that I had been prepared for - white curtains, white sheets and white walls. The bed feels cold even though there are blankets stacked upon blankets. I curl my feet in as I finally start to understand the actual seriousness of this situation.
I could die. I could die and never come back. Never accomplish what I wanted. Never see my friends again. Never see anyone again. Because I’ll wake up from the dream that is life and open my eyes to the sound of nothing.
And that scares me.
It scares me so much, I find myself shaking, terrified of what’s to come if a donor isn’t found in time.
“Um...hi?” A boy, slightly taller than me, comes into view. He sits in a wheelchair near the not-fully-closed door (another one of my assumptions I had been right about). He wears grey sweats and his hair is wet and I can feel my heart start to beat a little faster in my chest.
Keep your emotions under control.
I school my facial expression and stand, lifting a hand up to the boy so it can be shaken because if there’s anything my mother had taught me before she died is that I should always be polite. “Hi,” I greet hesitantly. I can see his gaze shift between my hand and my face, taking me in. Assessing me. “I’m Kang Taehyun. I guess we’re sharing this room now.”
The boy stays where he is for a second before wheeling forward in his chair. It seems to be the slowest pace I have ever seen in my life. He lifts his arm slowly too and shakes my extended one. Then he smiles.
It’s a wide, bright, breath taking smile that has my breath catching in my throat. I have to do a full circuit reboot to start functioning again. Our hands stay intertwined for a beat (or two) longer than they should. My heart skips a beat (or two) more than it should.
“I’m Huening Kai! But Kai is fine.” He smiles wider, if even possible and his eyes become lost in the lids and yet again, my breaths are struggling to escape and I have to make sure my facial expression doesn’t give away too much.
“I’m excited to be roommates! It’s been so lonely on my own.” His smile dims to a smaller one. The sadness behind it, breaking my heart right into two perfect pieces. My brain decides now is the perfect time to ask different questions about- Here. But I don’t ask them because I have to keep control of my emotions.
They’ve broken me once. They won’t break me again.
- everything runs far away -
The sun is setting. A raven flies past the window. I see the room in a different light. My side anyway.
It’s no longer white and plain. Instead, it’s a deep hue of yellow mixed in a golden orange. I find myself taking out my camera - the last gift from my parents - and taking the cap off. I angle it towards the window, capturing different snapshots of the beautiful sunset sky.
I’ve always loved photography. Behind every picture, there’s a story. Every photographer has their own story and I want to create mine. That’s why I always take my camera everywhere I go. It’s why I made media my major after last year. It’s my way of letting out small bursts of emotion without getting hurt. Without letting myself be vulnerable again.
“The sky is so pretty.” Kai says from his side of the room. He’s sitting upright in bed, plushies surrounding him in every form and shape. I wonder to myself what happened to bring on that addiction. A table sits in front of him and I can see a sketchbook page open. The start of a drawing of the sunset in front of us. His eyes sparkle in a magical sort of way and I have to use all of my will strength to tear my eyes away from him.
“Yeah. It really is.” I reply, taking a picture (of the boy on the other side of the room).
- my life before you was a mess -
The next few weeks are spent like that - I take a compilation of photos during the day, piecing together my story of the hospital more and more while Kai draws and sketches and paints and his side of the room fills with more colours. More violets and mustards and sages and peaches. More browns and blacks and turquoises. And I find my heart beating a little faster and my body getting a little warmer the more time we spend together, the more we get to know each other.
Yeonjun and Soobin visit as much as they can and slowly, like Kai’s side, my side of the room is filling with colours too. They’re fainter and duller and aren’t as captivating as Kai’s colours, but they are telling the story that I want to share and that is already the most I could ask for.
One day, another day that Soobin and Yeonjun have come to visit, I notice that they seem...closer. Less confined. I look up at the ceiling of the room and thank whatever supernatural being out there that finally - finally - the two are getting closer.
If there’s no hope for me, then maybe there is hope for the love blooming in Yeonjun and Soobin’s chests.
- couldn't win one round of this chess -
The next day, I’m woken up by a call from Yeonjun. Curse him and his ungodly hours of talking to people. “Hyung. It’s one AM. I swear to god, this better be good.” I groan, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and sitting myself up in bed.
“Soobin has-” He stops abruptly. I can hear the strain and disbelief in his voice and I’m awake quicker than I thought.
“Hyung, what’s going on?” I’m slipping out of bed before I can process it. I put my shoes on and make my way out to the ward waiting area. Different sizes of balls are hanging from the ceiling, illuminated by the bulbs inside. I admire them while taking a seat on an empty red chair placed beneath the glowing orbs.
“Soobin has a boyfriend.”
Then Yeonjun breaks out in sobs and I feel a little piece of my heart break for the older. I know how much he has been crushing on Soobin. How long he’s been crushing on Soobin. He’s hurting and no matter how annoying he can be, he’s still my hyung. And I love him a lot.
“Yeonjun hyung, please breathe.” I don’t comfort people. Not because I don’t care about them or anything else like that, but because I don’t know how to. I never know what to say and I never know how to be there for people like that. Being over the phone does not help that fact. I can hear the laboured breaths of Yeonjun and I can feel panic slowly making itself at home inside me. “Hyung? Junnie hyung, please.”
Seconds pass. Then minutes. Yeonjun sniffles, but his cries eventually calm down and I feel the panic dissipate from my body. “Can you explain what happened?” I ask softly. As softly as I can. Yeonjun hyung needs me and I need to be there for him. I want to be there for him.
“I-” A deep breath. I wait. I can wait forever. “Soobin called me and- and said he wanted to meet me. I, of course, wanted to because duh...” A sad, pitiful chuckle leaves his lips and I feel more small pieces of my heart breaking. “So I met him there and there’s this guy and he looks beautiful- No.” The line is silent for a second as Yeonjun tries to find the right word. “Ethereal. And Soobin - shy as ever - announces that the guy is his boyfriend. His name is Choi Beomgyu.” Then it’s silent.
“Yeonjun hyung, I’m sorry-”
“The problem isn’t that he has a boyfriend, Taehyun.” And now I’m confused. Yeonjun was here crying his eyes out because his crush is in a relationship. How is that not the problem? Why is that not the problem? “The problem is that I think I like them both.”
“Huh-”
“I stayed and we all sat and talked and I got to know him and I want to get to know him more. I want to be near Beomgyu more. I need to be near him more. There was something there, but I don’t know how to even begin picking it apart and my brain is a mess. That’s why I was crying. Not because Soobin is taken and wouldn’t want me.'' He lets out a breath.
“But because they’re both taken and wouldn’t want me.”
I sit there on the red chair, underneath the glowing balls of light in a hospital for a disease I might not survive and I’m trying to understand Yeonjun. I’m trying to piece together all of the information he’s giving me and I don’t know how to help him. I berate myself. My thoughts are interrupted by Yeonjun.
“Tyun. I know what you’re doing. I just wanted to talk to you. I’ve been here all afternoon and most of the night trying to...I don’t know. Figure out my thoughts? I know how you are with comforting people. It’s okay, I promise. You're listening to me and that’s already way more than I could ask for. I have to go now, but I’ll come see you after my last class.”
“Hyun-”
“Bye, Tae.” The line goes dead.
My head is spinning. Yeonjun didn’t just sound upset, he sounded resigned. In my year and a half of knowing Choi Yeonjun, he has never given up on anything. When he failed his biology test, he continued to study as hard as ever to retake it and pass with flying colours. When he broke his leg and couldn’t compete in his dance competition, he still practised and came back, better than everyone at the choreography. I have never seen anyone more confident and resilient than Yeonjun and yet...his voice.
“Taehyun?”
I turn and Kai is sitting there, in his wheelchair, clad in a penguin onesie and holding a giant molang doll. “What are you doing up?” I ask and Kai smiles.
“I was going to go say hello to the moon.” And my confused face must’ve been on show because Kai giggles and pulls me up from my seat in the red chair. My phone is being slid into my pocket and I am being dragged to the elevator. It opens rather quickly and Kai wheels himself in, waiting for me to join him. I take a tentative step forward.
No longer than two minutes later, we are standing on the roof and looking up at the moon. The city lights are sparkling dots in the distance and the chilly air of March is gentle and hugs us. I’ve never felt this calm before and I find myself wanting more. Wanting to feel more. The moon sparkles too. The city glows brightly in the distance, but the moon shines brighter. Glowing almost as if in competition with every other light source in the world. And if I were to be a judge of said competition, the moon would definitely be winning.
“It’s been a while.” Kai’s voice is a whisper next to me. He has a smile on his face. Although there is a sad tilt to it that I want to know more about. I want to delve deeper and know more about Kai.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t been able to come up here as often as before. My heart really hates me.” A choked chuckle leaves his lips and I don’t know if my heart can handle anymore breakage. It looks like everyone around me is hurting and I don’t know how to help them - Yeonjun’s heartbreak and Kai’s backstory that I still know nothing about.
“I’m getting weaker. Nothing’s come up and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be on the earth for so I think this won’t be visiting often anymore. At least until I’m fixed.” I can see the unshed tears pooling in his eyes and I’m about ready to risk everything for him. I don’t care if I just met him almost a month ago now. I don’t care if I barely know anything about why he’s here.
He needs someone and I'm going to be there for him.