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Being friends with him felt like hope.
Tommy had been alone for so long that he was beginning to wonder if he was just designed to be left. To be people’s awakening that they deserved better. In the real world, friends were hard to make and even harder to keep, which was why Tommy always naturally gravitated towards the warmth of online friends.
They were always way more supportive and easy to talk to for some reason. Perhaps it was the comfort of knowing they were probably just as lonely as him or that they would only ever be able to see what he showed them. Tommy liked being able to be vulnerable on his terms, and never experiencing the panic of oversharing.
Tommy was at his lowest when he met Wilbur.
The pair met through a group chat of mutual online friends but never really spoke to one another privately until Tommy expressed to the group chat that he was particularly struggling one day. Not even an hour later, he looked down to see an abundance of private DMs from Wilbur. He didn’t know what he was expecting to see, but at least 10 photos of a dog was probably at the bottom of the list.
The dog was clearly old, with a long grey beard almost as long as the dog itself. Along with the photos, Wilbur had enthusiastically typed messages clearly intended to cheer Tommy up (they didn’t fail)
4:47pm Wilbur Soot
He thinks you should have something to eat if you haven’t already because you deserve it! (he said this!) He also said he wants nothing more than for you to be okay and that he’s proud of you for surviving so much of today.
Tommy replied straight away and their friendship blossomed from that moment. Even now, words failed to describe how happy he was that Wilbur reached out that day. He probably wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t.
Their friendship was fuelled by comfort and kindness. The pair both struggled immensely with their mental health and that was clear from the beginning. To be perfectly honest, the group chat started as an eating disorder group chat formed on Tumblr. Sue him for the stereotypes, Tommy couldn’t be bothered to care. They all mutually agreed that it was a place of understanding, and no judgement would be given.
Sure, most group chats formed similarly easily become toxic. But this one remained a place to relate to others and to be heard when the rest of the world dismissed them. It was nice to have people to talk to when his parents shrugged him off time and time again. And as much as he appreciated every single person in that group, nobody compared to Wil.
Their bond was undeniably special.
Tommy was the reason Wilbur got out of bed on his worst days. When anxiety pulled him one way, Tommy pulled harder towards him.
Wilbur was the reason Tommy ate at least once a day. He was the reason Tommy never listened to the voices telling him to leave in a way he couldn’t be brought back from.
He remembers one day, when the voices were so strong that Tommy had gathered every box of over the counter pain medication on his bed, staring with a vacant look in his eyes and an overwhelming heaviness in his chest. He didn’t know when he called Wil, but he definitely remembers his voice filtering through the cotton wool in his ears in that calming, loving tone he only ever heard from Wilbur Soot. Tommy remembers vividly what Wilbur had said to him that day.
“I can say wholeheartedly that you deserve the entire world and ALL of its contents and I wish I could give that to you. I know you, Tommy, and a future with things working out may seem out of reach and that’s okay.
I just want you to know that I believe in you.
I am holding out hope for you in case you can’t do that for yourself.”
Tommy had never felt comfort so strongly before that phone call. He didn’t speak once, just calming down whilst Wilbur sat in an encouraging silence on the other end of the phone. When they ended the call, Tommy threw the medication as far away from himself as he could manage and went to sleep. The heaviness was still there, and he’s certain it wouldn’t go away for a while. But it felt better knowing someone was there holding part of the weight.
It didn’t take Tommy long to feel secure enough in their friendship to tell Wilbur everything. He reached new levels of vulnerability, but this time it didn’t feel negative. In fact, it relaxed Tommy in ways he never knew possible. They made plans to get him away from his toxic household with the promises of moving in together. Wilbur wouldn’t let go of the idea of a platonic coffee date no matter how much Tommy insisted he didn’t like coffee. He was even the one that made Tommy change his hairstyle. Wil gave Tommy things to look forward to.
He never explicitly told him, but Tommy is 100% certain that Wilbur was the reason he was still alive. And for the first time in years, he was living as well as surviving.
Which is probably why it hurt ten times worse when Wilbur Soot left.
At first, Tommy dismissed his absence as Wil taking a mental health break, as they both often did. Those few days where they wouldn’t speak were always filled with despair and loneliness, but both knew how necessary they were. As healthy as their friendship was, listening to your best friend (and yes, Tommy considered Wilbur his best friend) struggling took its toll occasionally. It was more than natural to need a break sometimes to focus on yourself, especially when your mental health is suffering too.
For the first few days of zero replies, Tommy still sent messages to him about his day, or about his most recent topic of research as he always did. Wil would reply when he was ready, and Tommy would be okay until then.
When it got to 5 days of radio silence, Tommy started to get worried. A downside of being online friends with struggling people was that the other was plunged into a state of worry and unknowing if anything happened to their friend. Tommy had no contact with any of Wilbur’s friends or family other than the group chat. None of them had heard from him either. After hearing Tommy constantly express his worry, people started to leave the group chat and block him. Which, okay. That hurts. But his mind was occupied with Wil and what had become of him.
A week. A fucking week.
Tommy was doing worse than he had in a while. He hadn’t left his room in days and his hands shook in a way that only happens when you haven’t eaten for a long time. Truly, Tommy felt like he was going to die.
His heart constantly pounded as if he was under attack and his stomach clenched with nausea and anxiety every time he did anything. It didn’t help that his parents were starting to notice. They chimed in with their usual remarks about him being useless and wasting his life, which only threw him further into his spiral.
At two weeks, Tommy left his room. He made his way up to the clearing near his home, his special place, on weak legs and sat there. He cried for hours. When his eyes were puffy and sore, he opened the door to his parents screaming at each other.
It was almost laughable, the state he was in now. His hair is matted and greasy and his eyes have never looked more sunken. His skin is pale and fragile and his scarred arms are patterned with a visual of his distress. He needs Wil back.
A part of him knew that Wilbur was gone. Or at least, gone from him. It was inevitable. No one sticks around Tommyinnit and his selfishness. They grow tired and fed up of him and walk out without a second glance. It’s the way it is and Tommy just has to accept that. He doesn’t want to, not yet.
His fears were confirmed as Wil’s status begins to show Online more often than not. And still, Tommy receives silence. He ignores the pang in his heart at what that really means. He’s not just taking a break, he’s ignoring Tommy. He doesn’t want to speak to him anymore. It’s comforting to know that Wil is safe and happy. It really is.
As long as he’s okay, Tommy doesn’t matter. He suddenly regrets clinging to Wil like a lost duckling and pulling away from every other form of support he had. Or did they pull away from him? It’s.. hard to tell. All he knows is that now, he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. He watches as every single one of his in-person friends abandons him without as much as an apology. Maybe he’s the one that needs to apologise to them.
Truthfully, he’s angry. He’s angry and sad and betrayed and-
“I am holding out hope for you in case you can’t do that for yourself.” What a load of bullshit. Tommy is filled with a burning rage at the thought of his past self believing an obvious lie.
What made him think anyone would want him. He’s a mess. A selfish, useless, broken mess. And that’s all he’ll ever be. He’s designed to spend day after day staring at his ceiling and letting himself float in the familiar realm of dissociation. Tommy doesn’t care now.
He has nothing to bring himself back for.