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It started over a stupid letter. Actually, it wasn’t that stupid, it held a lot of important information. Which is why Tommy was absolutely enraged when his mother lost it and then didn’t even try to help find it. She didn’t even need to take it from him in the first place!
Hurtful words were exchanged between the two, which Tommy ended up apologising for immediately despite not receiving one back, and that was that.
Except Tommy’s father heard the disruption from downstairs and began charging towards him, his footsteps not at all quietened by the carpeted stairs. No one noticed the way Tommy flinched. His father immediately raised his voice, demanding to know what had happened in a harsh tone.
Tommy began calmly and quietly explaining the situation in the hopes that his father would recognise why it was a big deal that his mother had lost something that meant a lot to him without even sparing a second thought. How naive to think that he would side with anyone other than his mother.
And seriously, he could not keep up with his parents. One minute they were screaming at each other, divorce threats flying around the air and the next they were suddenly in perfect unison to scream at and belittle Tommy.
His dad immediately started screaming at Tommy for being immature and disrespectful to his parents, continuing despite the way Tommy was obviously curling in on himself in a weak attempt to self-soothe.
Usually, Tommy would reply with a snarky comment as teenagers normally do, but recently he just couldn’t be bothered. No matter how many times he tried to defend himself, his parents would always throw it straight back in his face and honestly, he was sick of it.
The thing is, if the argument would have stopped there, it would have been perfectly okay. Everyone argues with their parents from time to time.
Not like you do, Tommy, this is a daily thing now and it’s killing y-
But, of course, it didn’t stop. His dad became aggravated by the lack of response and started spewing insults. Tommy had learned to block it out by now. Staring at the wall with tears in his eyes had become a regular thing as his father broke him completely threw harsh words around.
“Fine, Tommy. Go back to your room and carry on wasting your life”.
And oh. That one stung. His father knew how hard it was for Tommy to do anything productive recently, being in the middle of a pandemic and all. Not to mention the steadily declining mental health. Weeks of depression where he can hardly even look after himself enough to stay alive, never mind do anything worth celebrating.
He’s tried everything to get his family off his back: applying for more jobs than he can remember, keeping his room tidy, even offering to help out a little more than he usually would with extra time on his hands now that he’s finished his exams. And it still wasn’t enough. Tommy’s starting to feel as though he could take over the entire world and it still wouldn’t be enough for them.
Tommy realised he was yet to respond, only irritating his father more.
“You know what, kid? All you’re good for is causing problems and rotting away in your bedroom.”
He closed his eyes, choosing to ignore the tears that steadily fell from them, and took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with his father who was stood in his doorway. Oh, when did he get that close?
He knows it’s wrong to speak to his parents in such a way, but he couldn’t help the quiet, defeated
“Fuck you” that tumbled from his lips.
His dad visibly tensed as if this reaction wasn’t exactly what he was trying to provoke from the teen. His lips curled into an eerie, twisted smile as he began to step closer and closer to the trembling kid.
“Who do you think you are speaking to me like that, huh? You pretend you don’t care about anything but I know better. It’s a shield because you’re nothing more than a scared little kid who thinks he’s worth more than he is.”
That was enough for his vision to start fading out as if he was staring straight through a rain cloud. Everything around him was a blur, and Tommy could barely register his hands stuffing his phone, wallet and his headphones into a bag. Very distantly, he could still hear his dad speaking in a tone only spoken when trying to cause harm.
He could feel his feet walking swiftly along the pavement and the windy UK weather all around him. Tommy’s whole body was moving on autopilot to the clearing near his house he found himself at when being at home was too much. So more often than not these days.
And then, all at once, all movement around him stopped. That’s when he realised he was already sat down at his bench.
Everything came flooding back at an alarming pace, and Tommy barely had time to recognise his breathing picking up to a concerning level. His hands were shaking as they gripped tightly onto the seat of the bench - thoughts entirely consumed by his father’s hurtful words.
Tommy just didn’t understand what he did to deserve this. He knows he’s not an easy kid: always too much and not enough. But aren’t parents there to love their kids? Maybe Tommy’s just not worthy of their love. Or anyone’s for that matter.
He’s thought about how little he has way too much recently. Sure, he has some good friends online but none of them really care about him right? I mean, wilbur has talked him down from several panic attacks without realising it, and tubbo (his best friend since birth) has been one of the only constants in his life, but is that enough to make them stay?
Tommy used to think that his parents would always love unconditionally, no matter how much he screwed up. Because that’s what parents do, right? They’re there for their children because, after all, it was their choice to have them. It wasn’t Tommy’s choice to be born, and quite frankly if it was he would’ve declined in an instant.
He knows he can’t keep living there for much longer. He’s also painfully aware that he has no other choice. He only has one low paying job, and he’s not willing enough to burden his friends with the idea of moving in with them. Tommy knows, deep down, that nobody would want him. It’s a fact he’s come to terms with as a result of being warned indirectly from his parents.
He doesn’t know when he started crying, but all of a sudden his eyes are stinging and everything is just too much too much too-
There’s a bridge not even 20 metres from where he’s sat. He could just go and end it. It would be quick, and he’d have no regrets. It would be over and he could finally stop bothering everyone. He could finally “waste his life” in a way that would leave him in peace, and not in a constant state of judgement from his parents and peers.
But he couldn’t do that to wil, or even tubbo and Ranboo. He couldn’t be selfish and put them through the pain and guilt of losing someone they spoke to every day.
So for now, after sitting on his bench in the freezing cold for hours and hours, Tommy walks back to his house.
He knows it’s destroying his mental health even more than life in general already has, but maybe he was destined to suffer.
And with a sharp pain in his chest, Tommy starts to think out his apology to his parents for being a burden. Until the next argument continues the hopeless cycle he seems to be trapped in.