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Nile loved Andy. She really, really did. Nile didn’t know she could love anyone this fiercely outside of her family. But, of course, these people were her family now, too. So Nile’s daemon, Jordan - Nile’s soul - loved every one of theirs just as strongly.
That didn’t mean Andy wasn’t the most frustrating person Nile had ever met.
“I said, I’ll take first watch.”
Nile stared at her. Then, she stared at Andy’s thoroughly fucked-up leg. It was still attached, thank god, but extracting the bullet had been a bitch and a half, and a fun combo of pain and exhaustion was practically radiating off of her. If Andy were a sane human being, demanding that she was taking first watch could be a joke. And yet, Rex, her leopard daemon, was practically waltzing up to the window to do just that.
“You almost lost a leg today, Andy.” Nile’s voice was tight but authoritative, and Jordan immediately conjured the image of their mother in his mind. “Joe’s still regrowing a goddamn arm—”
“I’m fine,” Joe interjected, his good arm thrown dramatically over his face, and even Nicky rolled his eyes for a moment before he went back to carefully watching Joe’s bicep blossom bright pink muscles over magically but slow-growing bone, a process that Jordan had no interest in watching for stomach-churning reasons.
Joe’s proclamation was a bit shaky, considering that his daemon was currently getting cuddled by Nicky’s daemon, who had taken the form of a maned wolf for said-cuddling purposes. Nile was sure they could also take watch if they really needed to. But why should they have to, when Nile was there?
“—so, obviously, I’m taking first watch.” Nile’s tone didn’t brook an argument. But Rex positioned himself by the window now, getting comfortable and crouching, just like he would for a long stake-out.
“That’s not how this goes,” Andy said in that infuriating matter-of-fact way she had of speaking when she gave certain orders, which only made Nile clench her fist.
“Don’t be a dumbass,” Jordan said, headbutting the giant leopard who seemed determined not to rest. But Jordan was only a bobcat, Rex’s huge leopard body didn’t budge an inch.
Nile looked to Nicky, obviously trying to get some support, but he just shrugged at her as if he’d been in the middle of this argument a thousand times. As far as Jordan knew, maybe he had, and he finally just decided to stop trying and let Andy do what she would.
But Jordan, he wasn’t going to let this shit slide. Andy was mortal now, so however bullheaded she was in the past didn’t matter: it had real consequences now. Potentially fatal ones.
Joe’s condition could have been Andy’s if she had only walked a few paces in front of him, and Andy wouldn’t have survived that kind of carnage. After dealing with the shoot-out, she had been unconscious for almost an hour as they tried to stop the bleeding. The entire time, Jordan kept casting terrified glances at Rex’s unconscious form, expecting him to disappear as soon as he wasn’t looking.
Andy had come incredibly close to dying, but here she was, refusing to step down and let anyone else cover for her. Jordan knew not to take it personally by now, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating. Andy needed rest, and as long as Rex was restless, Andy would be, too.
Unfortunately, Nile wasn’t sure how to best combat this dumbassery. Jordan audibly hissed out his annoyance, until a memory came out of nowhere:
Nile shielding Andy with her body, the bullets from Merrick’s goons ripping through her back. Nicky meeting her eyes and realizing what they were trying to do. And finally, Nicky’s daemon, usually a swift hawk, transforming into an enormous bear in that tiny hallway, just so they could shield as much of Andy and Rex as possible.
Their mother had taught Nile and Jordan how to love. It was an unyielding kind of love, stubborn and unafraid. Jordan felt a fire light under him: he wasn’t going to watch Rex disappear tonight.
Before Andy could keep arguing, Jordan headbutted Rex again, harder this time. Then, Jordan bit Rex’s ear, not hard enough to pierce the skin, but enough to annoy him. That had the intended effect, and Rex growled and got back onto his feet, initiating a proper tumble between the two daemons.
Jordan was quick, but so was Rex, barely hindered by Andy’s exhaustion, and between the leopard and the bobcat, the former was always going to beat the latter when it came to brute strength. They could hear the others protesting beyond their own growls and hisses, but Jordan ignored them, finally positioning himself for his last move.
He pounced on Rex’s back, and as soon as he made contact, he willfully transformed himself into a massive brown bear, pinning Rex helplessly underneath. Rex could transform, too, of course… if he wasn’t too exhausted. Jordan felt a snide sense of pride as Rex struggled underneath his weight, before deflating with an audible huff.
Suddenly, Nicky started laughing uproariously. His cackles were louder than Jordan had ever heard from him before, and they mingled with the squawks of his hawk daemon like a delighted and diluted symphony.
“I am injured, I need peace and quiet!” Joe announced to the room at large, but the slight grin hiding under his arm gave him away, as did his wolf daemon literally barking with laughter.
Nile didn’t quite succeed at keeping a smug look off her face, then offered Andy her hand. And Andy – haggard and clearly pissed Andy – took it anyway, and let Nile shoulder her weight as they walked to the nearby bed.
Jordan finally transformed back into his bobcat form, and Rex growled as he kicked him off, but not as ferociously as Jordan knew he could have. Rex moved away from the window, and Jordan couldn’t tell if his slow movements came from exhaustion or reluctance.
As Jordan crouched to get into position, he called out to Rex. “Hey!”
The leopard turned around, and Jordan stared at him resolutely, and promised: “I’ve got this.”
Rex huffed, but something soft reflected in his eyes. “I know you do.”
The howl that pierced the night was desponding and desperate, and Jordan would know it anywhere.
By the time he and Nile reached its source, Joe was leaning over the body of a boy with a gaping wound in his chest. Even though the gauze around it was drenched red, Joe was still trying to staunch the bleeding with shaking but determined hands.
In contrast, Zeineb was incredibly still. Zeineb was never still. If she wasn’t running or hopping about, her nose twitched and her ears flickered back and forth. She even pranced, when she felt particularly happy or energetic. Jordan always found it incredibly endearing.
But now, she was curled up in a ball, and Jordan could make out some Portuguese she was gently murmuring: words of comfort. It seemed as if she was speaking to herself, but when Jordan walked closer, she noticed that she was wrapped around a tuft of brown fur, its large ears twitching frantically.
Nile moved to help Joe, but Jordan was transfixed by the tiny hare swaddled in Neppi’s golden fur. Nile radiated a single-minded focus as she worked with Joe to try and save the boy’s life, all desperation and despair put aside for Jordan to hold, and Jordan… did nothing. Because there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could offer this trembling soul in its final moments because as Joe and Nile still pushed and tried to save the boy’s life, Zeineb and Jordan both somehow knew it was too late.
Suddenly, Jordan wanted to howl, too. But he swallowed the urge, because even if he couldn’t do a thing to help, he refused to subject this tiny daemon to any more anguish.
Neppi paused her quiet reassurances for just a moment. Just long enough for her eyes to tilt up and see Jordan standing there, trembling, useless.
The wolf’s long hind legs shifted backward, careful not to jostle the creature she was cradling, but the invitation was evident.
They couldn’t offer this child’s daemon anything but a soft space to disappear from.
Jordan tucked himself carefully around the twitching ball of fur exposed side, shielding them with her frame, as Neppi started to groom the fur between their two long ears, licking tenderly and carefully.
“What’s your name?” Jordan whispered in Portuguese.
Through Nile’s eyes, he could see her bloody and trembling hands, Joe’s tear-soaked face, and the wound that refused to close for this innocent boy. Their own skin had stitched together so many times, so why not him, why not him -
“Ines,” the tiny hare whimpered. Neppi tucked the little thing closer against her chest.
(“We’re losing -- not stopping -- we need -- he needs--”)
“Beautiful,” Jordan exhaled, as reassuring as he could manage.
And on his next breath, the tiny hare was gone. Only specks of dust remained.
Tucked around an empty space, with only dirt under their paws, Jordan felt Neppi start to tremble. She had been so still for the young daemon, so steady and reassuring. Distantly, Jordan felt Nile sobbing. Jordan didn’t need to see through Nile’s eyes to know that Joe must be falling apart, too.
But there wasn’t time. A deeply ingrained instinct took over in place of their grief and their terror, something more detached, something necessary for survival. They had to move quickly and purposefully before the enemy noticed them lingering. The grave they dug was too shallow, but it was all they could do.
Hours later, in an old apartment building that was abandoned by war, the careful numbness finally threatened to break apart under a cascade of hopelessness and despair. Nile sat leaning against a dirty wall, and finally, Jordan ran into Nile’s arms. The dam between them broke wide open. Nile held him and cried into the folds of his fur, and Jordan struggled to breathe under the weight of their despair, mewling pitifully. They were trained, they were soldiers, but this was new. New, and horrible, and impossible to live with, Jordan was sure. How could anyone?
By the time Jordan finally opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Neppi pacing the floor. Any pretense of stillness was now abandoned, and she was jittery and frantic in every little turn of her head. Her whines were low enough that Nile couldn’t hear them, but Jordan still could.
Jordan looked around the room for Joe, but he wasn’t there. Sloshes of water could be heard from behind a door, their makeshift bath. Jordan knew better than to think that Joe was trying to ignore his daemon half, but their ways of grieving still sometimes seemed complicated to Nile.
After they escaped from Merrick and recovered in the Alps, Neppi would spend hours, even days sometimes, wandering the mountains alone. All they could hear from the golden wolf were distant howls. Until now, Jordan figured that Neppi simply liked to process things by herself, like Jordan used to avoid seeking comfort from even Nile. But unlike Jordan, Joe himself was never distant, never closed off. It didn’t make sense, but they accepted it as a part of who Joe was.
But here, Neppi had nowhere to go, no room to process her grief. Instead, Neppi laid down and ducked her snout into the fold of her leg, and a low, restrained wail rumbled in her throat. It was probably as quiet as she could manage without it echoing throughout the entire town. It made Jordan’s entire being ache.
Then, their eyes met, and Neppi must have seen something in Jordan’s expression, because all of the sudden, she lowered her ears and got to her feet. Her skinny limbs were clearly trembling as they climbed up towards the window, a flimsy fire escape her only possible destination.
Jordan didn’t understand, until suddenly, he did. Neppi had never hidden her feelings for her own sake. She was doing it for everyone else's. She was doing it for them.
“Wait,” Jordan croaked.
Zeineb paused, then looked back at them with those big, golden eyes. Even now, she trembled. In the air, there was a yearning so thick, Jordan could practically taste it, and it took Jordan more than a second to recognize that the feeling was his own.
Jordan’s deep voice was so, so fragile when he begged: “Stay.”
Suddenly, Zeineb’s nose was pressed against his neck, and even though she was still trembling like a leaf, to Jordan, it was as if the earth had finally settled underneath his feet.
Jordan squeezed his eyes shut and let Zeineb’s vibrations ground him, let all her whines and low howls wash over him, and he let out his sounds of distress in return. Two creatures leaning into each other for comfort in the darkest of nights. And for a little while, their grief was mingled and made one, and made lighter for it.
Jordan watched as Joe cleaned the blood from Nile’s hands and her hair. His tears fell the entire time, but he was still gentle and precise when he pressed the cloth to her fingernails, handling her more carefully than anyone had in years, and Jordan pressed his forehead to Zeineb’s in thanks.
Then, he watched as Joe wrapped around Nile the same way Neppi was wrapped around him, and even though his horror and grief still threatened to drown him, he also knew, unequivocally, that he was not alone in this. It was still new to him, relying on another so openly, but with Joe and Zeineb, it was almost easy.
“We will be okay,” Joe whispered, and even in this desperate scene, Jordan believed him.
“Can’t sleep?”
Nile groaned and pushed the pillow further into her face.
“Jordan hasn’t stopped pacing all night,” Nile admitted.
“Hey!” Jordan protested, but the fact that he was currently pacing the kitchen floor didn’t do much in his defense.
Nile sighed, then sat up on the couch. This wasn’t the first time Nicky, Nile, and their daemons had shared bouts of insomnia. But while Jordan paced, Nicky’s hawk daemon, Cia, was notably absent.
“I can’t believe you can do that,” Nile complained, gesturing towards the book Nicky carried with him into the room. The amount of concentration it took to be reading while your daemon was off somewhere else was… well, Nile once would have considered it impossible. But regardless, even after all these years of learning all their skills, Nile couldn’t divide her attention that seamlessly.
“You’ll get it eventually,” Nicky said with a small smile, not looking up from the page.
“Doubt it,” Nile muttered, “Not when my daemon refuses to sit still for two goddamn seconds.”
“Again: hey ,” Jordan reiterated, nose held high.
Nile peaked her head over from the pillow she unsuccessfully tried to smother herself into sleep with. “What has Cia been doing, anyway? I’ve never seen her out this often.”
Before Nicky could respond, though, Cia flew in from the tall window of their living room and interjected herself into the conversation as if she had been there the whole time. “You could join me and find out, if you’d like.”
The idea made Jordan’s ears perk up, but there was also a strange twinge of guilt about Cia accommodating them like this. The only reason they had been in Chicago for the past few months was because Nile requested it. Being in a city had always been good for her when her mind got particularly oppressive, and even half a century later, Nile didn’t know any city the way she knew her first home. But no matter the country they were in, in every city, there were ridiculously loud transit lines and indistinguishable conversations from strangers passing on the street: familiar rhythms that Nile took comfort in.
Andy used to hate cities. It was only when Nile forced her to come visit that she started to show some appreciation, though what she appreciated the most seemed to be Nile’s passion for the Cubs, since she’d gone with her to Wrigley Field more times than they could count at this point.
A bittersweet wave rose in Jordan’s chest at the thought of Andy. It had been a while, but they felt the sting of grief just the same. Just like when they thought about their mom and dad.
The grief never dissipated completely, and even now Nile was struck with the urge to cry. Immediately, Jordan jumped into Nicky’s lap and let his long fingers soothe his quiet whines away.
“Have you ever seen your city from the sky?” Cia’s lilting accent was quiet. It could almost be a lullaby. “I think that you would love it.”
And how could Jordan say no to that? They had dreamed of it when they were little, when the farthest Jordan could fly upward was a few feet away from Nile. Now, they could fit so much of the world between them. And Jordan had learned to stop fearing that distance a long time ago.
So, Jordan transformed himself into a barn owl, and followed Cia out into the night air.
It was heaven. Jordan knew that even with Nile’s feet still on the ground, she could feel the wind in his feathers and see the distant, bright lights of the city below. He caught sight of an L train going north, and the two daemons followed it from above until they could see the curve of the lakeshore, its giant lit carousel standing out prominently against the dark waves below.
Clouds of memories formed around him and inside him. Looking at art deco glass at Navy Pier, holding her mother’s hand and dragging her around to point out the differences in all the stylized glass, mesmerized by the trick of colors and light. Andy’s short hair, a windswept mess as she scarfed down the hot dog Joe had bet that Andy wouldn’t eat, and hearing their laughter travel on the high winds.
Jordan felt Nile smiling. It was just like they had imagined it would, and it was nothing like it at all. For a moment, Jordan felt their grief float on the breeze beside him instead of carrying it on his own.
Cia seemed content to follow Jordan’s lead, but when they perched to take a proper break, it was clear that Cia still had a goal in mind, her sharp eyes still peering into the night.
Then, without warning, she took off again, and Jordan followed. She traveled closer to the ground now, and Jordan could make out some dimmer lights that framed a lush park down below. Cia swept downwards at a tight angle, then landed on the padded grass.
“What are we looking for?”
“Flowers,” Cia explained simply, then started pecking at the nearby bushes and creating a pile of what she found in them. It was as if she was finding kindling, but instead of branches and twigs, she found delicate plants and flowers to make a nest out of.
Jordan blinked, but followed her instructions, finding some bursts of plant life that were small enough to carry back to the apartment. Cia talked the entire time they scavenged, pointing out the history of each plant or flower they saw, no matter how small. As weird as the situation was, Jordan still found her lilting and informative speeches soothing, in that odd way that Cia’s voice always was. Tugging the delicate plants up from the earth took careful precision, and Jordan let his bigger feelings fade to the background in his concentrated effort. He didn’t really get why Cia was doing this, but he had to admit that this gave him the peace and contentment that pacing the floors never could.
In the end, the two of them had bunches of flowers both in their talons and between their beaks, looking like overgrown statues in an abandoned garden. It was tricky for Jordan to get his bearings when he took off, but by the time they made it back to the apartment, he hadn’t lost too many petals in the wind.
They didn’t fly in the kitchen window, like Jordan expected. Instead, they flew into the adjacent window, into the room where both Joe and Neppi were fast asleep. A nightstand light was still on, and that was where Cia carefully arranged the flowers she’d gathered.
Jordan transformed back into his bobcat form, and then watched and Cia sorted through the flowers with her beak. As she flew back and forth to gather from Jordan’s collection, he noticed there were even more flowers on the ledge of the second window of the room. Six piles of them, to be exact.
Cia noticed Jordan staring at them. Then, as delicately as she could, she gathered a few identical-looking flowers, then placed them carefully on the first pile.
“Scabiosa,” Cia explained, arranging them without breaking a single stem, before turning back to Jordan. “For Andy.”
For peace , thought Jordan, remembering Cia’s earlier explanations. His chest felt both remarkably heavy and impossibly light. He hadn’t felt that way in such a long time.
Quietly, almost reverently, Jordan watched as Cia placed each flower, and thought of their mother lighting a candle for their father every Sunday at church.
It was obvious that the white jasmine was for Joe as Cia laid it out next to his roses. The pale lavender malva was for Booker’s protection, and the daisies, a symbol of rebirth, were for Quynh. Neither of them was here, but Cia had pulled the flowers for them, anyway. Next, he put the goldenrod onto the pile that seems to solely be made of beautifully smelling ferns and herbs, the yellow of its petals the only splash color among the green. Cia didn’t have to say that those flowers were for Nicky: they both knew. Jordan purred at the sentiment of loving your human counterpart enough to go out into the night and pick flowers for them.
Finally, Cia placed the last flowers on the last pile. “These are for you.”
A bright, pink chrysanthemum was the largest of all of them, but it was surrounded by bunches of lavender. Their scent was pervasive and overwhelming and wonderful. Jordan recognized their meaning. Clears symbol of Cia’s devotion to Nile. And to him.
“Thank you,” were the only words Jordan could manage to get out past the lump in his throat. “For… thank you, Cia.”
Cia fluttered her wings as she landed next to him. Then, she leaned in, pressing their foreheads together.
The next room over, Nile leaned into Nicky’s warm side, wiping away her remaining tears, and smiled.
The sun was still setting by the time Nile and Jordan made it to the pier. With the sun reflecting off the ocean, it took them a moment to notice the long, grey shape drifting just below the surface. A round, black spot sat just to the right of its back, and that’s how Jordan knew that it was Huy.
But as Quỳnh’s daemon circled in the water, over and over, Quỳnh herself was nowhere to be seen. This wasn’t surprising, but a deep sense of sadness came over them all the same.
“I thought they were getting better,” Nile whispered.
“Me too,” Jordan admitted, sitting rigidly as his eyes traced the ripples in the water. “But… shit, Nile. Five hundred years.”
Quỳnh’s daemon had been a snake before she was locked in an iron coffin and thrown into the sea. Now, her daemon was a shark. Permanently. Quỳnh only recently could stand to walk up to her ankles in water, but her soul was now tried to the thing that she feared the most.
(“I changed for you!” Huy’s voice was desperate and angry and hurt. “I transformed the lungs in my body so you could breathe! All I became, it was for you!” The sound of smashed glass and a voice just as sharp: “I never asked you to.”)
Jordan couldn’t imagine what he would do in Huy’s situation. All he knew for sure was that he’d never seen a daemon and their human so at odds. And that this whole situation wasn’t fair, not for either of them.
All of their daemons have learned how to travel a distance away from their humans, but Quỳnh’s absence still felt gaping. It was different: Quỳnh was choosing to stay away. Jordan couldn’t even imagine how badly that hurt them both.
Nile took off her sandals and sat on the pier, letting her feet dangle over the edge, toes barely touching the water below. She swung them about absently, as she and Jordan thought about what their best course of action was.
The safer bet would be to leave Huy alone. In Huy’s trauma and Quỳnh’s fury, they’d done horrible things to the rest of their family, inflicted hurts deep enough so that they might match the scars they carry. It had been decades since then, yes, but what were a few decades to thousands of years?
“We’re stalling,” Nile said matter-of-factly. Jordan lowered his ears, but silently admitted as much.
Jordan had never liked the water, either. They knew how to swim, because of course they had to learn to become a Marine, but their mother’s hesitance always left them feeling uneasy about it. Their people had a history that had banned them from learning the most basic tools of survival, with segregated and regulated public pools, and it took more courage than they thought it would to overcome that gap in their knowledge.
And, of course, there were the slave ships.
As Huy’s fins emerged to skim the surface like a razor, Jordan thought about the traumas they had both inherited.
He took a deep breath, then dove head-first into the water below.
Jordan had only transformed into a water-dwelling creature a handful of times before, and it took him more than a moment to properly adjust to having fins and gills. But when he did, Huy was right there, floating in front of him.
For a second, neither of them moved. If Jordan had been in his usual form, he would have been holding his breath. Not even he was sure what he was expecting Huy to do. Chase him away? Ice him out? This was so new, for both of them.
Huy swam closer, and Jordan braced himself -- but all he did was gently bump his snout against Jordan’s side. Then, he started to swim. Jordan wasn’t sure if he was meant to follow, until he saw Huy turn back and stare at him.
So, under the cover of the sea, the two of them swam in the low tide of the pier. Jordan lost track of time, and instead let himself float easily under gentle, invisible currents, following Huy’s repetitive motions. For a while, the outside world was kept at bay, and the prospect didn’t frighten him. He could only hope that Huy was getting something out of his company, too.
Back on the pier, Nile started as someone sat next to her. The shock was almost enough for Jordan to go back up to the surface, but Nile recognized their companion before he could, and mentally urged him to stay with Huy in the water.
As Jordan and Huy kept their gliding, swirling motions in tandem, Quỳnh and Nile sat quietly.
Then, just as the sun was about to disappear completely over the horizon, Quỳnh placed her hand on top of Nile’s.
“I miss her,” Jordan heard through Nile’s ears. He swam up close enough to slide against Huy’s side.
“Me too,” Nile whispered, watching the last shades of warm hues disappear into the night.
“You remind me so much of her.” Quỳnh stared off into a sun that was no longer there. “Lykon, too.”
“Andy used to say that Jordan had Adwoa’s ears,” Nile said, and Quỳnh laughed. It was rough like sandpaper, worn down and used, and it was beautiful.
“No one’s ears were as big as Adwoa’s,” Quỳnh quipped, speaking with evident fondness about Lykon’s fennec fox daemon. “But I can see what Andromache meant. All of her senses were so sharp, and she delighted in taking in the world around her.”
Nile didn’t know what it was like to be the only one left to tell someone’s story. She knew she would, in time.
When Quỳnh finally looked at Nile, her eyes had unshed tears, but she was smiling. “There is so much of her in you. And there was so much of you in her, too. I wish I could have been there to see the transformation.”
Huy and Jordan swam side-by-side, as Nile tangled her fingers with Quỳnh’s. And together, they breathed.
A hundred years ago, Booker’s daemon had molting feathers everywhere. Now, her coat was shiny, its bright shades of blue almost luminescent in the morning sunshine. It made for a nice change.
After the reunion, everyone else had apparently been up all night. In the morning, they were right where Nile had left them when she’d gone to bed, huddled around the coffee table. They sipped their coffee, dark circles under all their eyes, but there were a few lingering smiles there, too.
Now, it looked like Booker’s daemon needed a breather, as she flew up to sit next to Nile on the balcony. Jordan was lying in the corner, perfectly balanced on the edge of the railing. His eyes opened at the interruption. He had been listening to the morning songs from the birds on this side of the mountains. He loved that he could recognize them now, after a hundred years of practice.
Of course, he hadn’t memorized Marguerite’s morning calls yet, but that was okay.
As Jordan hopped down from the ledge and stretched out, Nile took a sip of her morning coffee. Mags looked at them expectantly, but unlike the rest of their family, they had nothing to say to her, in condemnation or otherwise.
Instead, Jordan walked up to Mags and said: “You ready to get to work?”
The chirp that Mags made might have been a laugh or a sob if it had come out of her human’s mouth, and Jordan wasn’t sure which it was. That was okay, too. They would figure each other out, just like they had with everyone else in this family.
Jordan closed his eyes and felt the sun shine on his fur. They had time.