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Getting the pills had been the easy part.
People who had never actively searched for narcotics would be surprised by how simple it was to get them. A nice smile here, some practiced hand movements there, and you got yourself a recipe for disaster. TK felt a pang of something close to remorse when he thought of Nancy, so excited to be included, when he’d only struck up a conversation to swipe something from the ambulance. It washed over him, and just added to the overall sense of bad he’d been feeling for quite a while now.
He wasn’t sure how it had happened, really. One moment he’d been fine, more than fine even, and the next he was just… not. It was like a switch had been flipped, as if someone had simply turned off the light in his head. And no matter what TK tried, he couldn’t snap out of it.
TK felt something wet on the top of his head, and as he looked up he was greeted by some true Texan storm clouds. They’d had bad weather in New York, sure, but TK had never quite experienced rain like in Texas before. All he could do was cover his head with the hood of his hoodie and burrow his hands in his pockets. He told himself that his sharp intake of breath had nothing to do with his fingers grazing the familiar plastic and metallic strip.
It’s not like something had happened, not really. Work had been fine, things with Carlos had been way more than fine, and yet he didn’t feel any of it. It was like there was this void inside of him, sucking up every single positive emotion one by one until it had consumed them all. He was just going through the motions. All that was left were the constant thoughts. TK really couldn’t stand himself in times like these.
They’d be out on a call, coming out of a burning building, and everybody would be celebrating because they’d successfully pulled all the victims out. Marjan and Paul would fist bump, and TK’d want to join in, but all he could think was See? They don’t need you. They’re perfectly fine without you. The thought would stop him dead in his tracks. Logically, he’d know that the thought made no sense. That it was intrusive, and he had no business listening to it. But as he’d make his way over to his team, putting on a smile to join in the celebrations, it’d play like a broken record in his mind.
If he was being honest, TK couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt well-rested. He would sleep seven hours, eight, on the rare occasion that he could even nine, yet somehow he always woke up more tired than when he’d gone to bed. It was as if his blood had been laced with lead, pulling every one of his limbs down. As if he was moving through a fog.
Sometimes, it felt like a miracle that nobody had noticed anything was up. He felt like it was written on his face, as if there was a neon sign right above his head. Yet every time he walked through the doors of the 126, he was greeted the way he always was. Paul and Marjan would make a bad joke at the Probie’s expense, and Probie would scramble for some kind of retort but come up empty. Judd would shake his head and look at TK knowingly. TK would smile and laugh and play along, and it almost felt normal. But the smiles felt strained, and the laughs sounded forced, and playing along was just that. Playing.
His dad had pulled him aside earlier that day. It had felt like someone was clenching his heart, because TK knew where this was going. He knew. Yet to his surprise, his dad had smiled. He’d smiled and said how proud he was of TK for adjusting to their new life so well, and for being sober for six months. TK felt the bulge burn in his pocket, and he wasn’t sure whether he’d wanted to laugh, cry, scream or punch something. Probably all of them. His dad had squeezed his neck, and whilst this usually comforted him more than he was willing to admit, all it did now was tighten the wrench on his heart even more. You’re lying to him, his thoughts went. You’re sober, but you don’t want to be. Isn’t that just as bad? TK still couldn’t believe he’d gotten out of that meeting in one piece.
It wasn’t that he wanted to get high, necessarily. He just wanted whatever this was to stop. He didn’t care whether it would make him feel that rush of euphoria only drugs could, or whether it would numb him beyond rational thought. He didn’t care what it would do to him, if his head would just shut up. He didn’t even care that he didn’t care. Because of years of therapy and a stint in rehab he knew that these were the worst kinds of cravings, the hardest to resist. So why would he?
Carlos had looked so peaceful when TK had gotten up the previous morning to get to his shift. So calm, so carefree. TK couldn’t bear to wake his boyfriend as he’d looked at the sleeping man’s face. He had never seen a face quite so beautiful. He could always look like this if you weren’t around, his thoughts went. Why are you here?
TK knew that he shouldn’t give in to bad thoughts. He knew that they weren’t reflective of the truth, that if he were thinking rationally he would laugh at them and not give them a second thought. He knew it, but he didn’t feel it.
The skies had opened, and by now TK was well and truly soaked. He was cold and he was shivering, but he couldn’t stand the thought of going home. His father would be there, and the mere idea of forcing out some fake optimism made TKs skin crawl. He couldn’t muster it, and his dad would notice, and that would lead to talking, and he most definitely didn’t want to talk. So, face down to the pavement, onwards he went.
Would it be so bad to break his sobriety? Just this one time, just for now. He just needed a break, and the pills would give him exactly that. Would it truly be a step backwards if it helped him in the long haul?
TK, that’s absolute bullshit and you know it.
You still want it though.
TK clenched his teeth so hard he thought he was going to break some, but it didn’t help. None of this was going to help. He had been here before, and he knew exactly how this usually ended. There was only one thing he wanted, and he wanted it bad. So bad only a miracle could stop him.
Maybe TK knew a miracle, though.
Everything inside him told him to run. To cut his losses, accept the inevitable, and just disappear into the rain. What do you think this will do, huh? Do you think he wants this? You’re a burden, and he will tell you as much. Why would you even try? His shaky fingers found a doorbell and pushed.
It was as if an alarm went off in his head. A sound louder than a mist horn, drowning out every other thought he was capable of. TK felt like he couldn’t breathe, and the noise was almost physically hurting him from inside. He could feel his heart, was acutely aware of the too rapid beating. Coming here had been a mistake. There was no way he could do this. Dropping his hand from the doorbell, he took a tiny step back.
‘TK?’
There stood Carlos, a confused look in those expressive eyes. Staring back was all he could do not to fall apart.
‘Hi.’
His voice sounded pathetic, even to his own ears. It was barely more than a whimper, and he cringed at what Carlos must think of him now. Way to ruin his day, TK. Carlos was clearly perfectly content with a nice quiet time at home, and here you come to mess it all up. Can’t you ever do anything right? You should just turn around and take those pi-
His thoughts were abruptly interrupted as strong arms snaked their way around his back, pulling him out of the rain. They were warm, and so was Carlos’ chest, and it was a shocking contrast with the rain from mere moments ago. TK just stood there, frozen. It felt like his brain had short-circuited.
What are you doing?! Do you have any idea how manipulative that is? Showing up all cold and wet, sounding like you are going to cry. Of course he’s going to comfort you, because unlike you, Carlos is actually a good person. And what are you doing? Manipulating him into caring. You are disgusting, terrible…
Wet.
Just like that, his brain was back in business, and TK started resisting Carlos’ hold. ‘I’m getting water all over your clothes. I am so sorry, I-‘
‘Hey.’
‘I shouldn’t even be here, it was an accident and it shouldn’t have happen-‘
‘TK, look at me.’
‘I’m so sorry, I’ll leave straight away. You’re getting all wet and that is my fault and I shouldn’t even be here and I just-‘
‘TK!’
Carlos’ hands cupped TKs face, forcing him to look up at the other man. Carlos was radiating pure, unadulterated concern. ‘What’s wrong, my love?’
TK stopped resisting. TK stopped doing much of anything. He tried to look away, but Carlos wouldn’t let him. His hands dropped from Carlos’ arms to his shirt and stayed there. He tried to take a deep breath, but found that he couldn’t. The mist horn was louder than it had ever been before.
‘I’m so sorry,’ TK whispered. His vision became blurry, and it took blinking to realize there were tears. ‘I’m so sorry.’
It was as if now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. The words were tumbling over themselves to try and leave his mouth as TK kept apologizing, over and over. In that moment he felt like he might never stop. Carlos put his arms around him, and this time he didn’t resist. He pressed himself into Carlos, trying to minimize the distance between them as much as possible whilst holding on as tight as he could. As he whispered his apologies into Carlos’ neck, Carlos whispered right back. TK couldn’t make his words out at all, it might as well have been Spanish. Maybe it was.
He sniffed into Carlos’ shirt, and was very aware of the gross spots he was leaving there. He tried to pull his head away, which was immediately answered by a firm but safe hand on the back of his head, keeping him tucked right where he was. So Carlos and TK stood there, and they stood there. They stood there for what felt like forever, and until TK felt like he had no tears left to cry for the rest of his life.
It was cold in the house, and the rain hadn’t helped, so TK couldn’t suppress the shudder going through him. Carlos pulled back from him slightly, and TK immediately regretted everything. His panic must have shown on his face as Carlos smiled at him reassuringly.
‘How about we get you out of these wet clothes, hm? That’ll be much better.’
TK let himself be pulled over to the couch, and he gingerly helped Carlos as he peeled back the wet layers of clothing. He absentmindedly noticed that there was a hamper full of clothes on the floor, and that Carlos had probably been busy folding his clean laundry when TK had showed up. He tried not to be bothered by his own intrusion, and failed spectacularly.
It didn’t take long for his clothes to be in a messy pile discarded on the floor, and for TK to be dressed in a faded Austin PD hoodie and some sweatpants. He had to admit that this was a lot warmer, and as Carlos pulled him into him on the couch, TK sighed contentedly.
TK savoured the warmth, trying to get his mind in order. He wished they could stay like this, exactly like this, forever. But of course he knew that was impossible.
‘Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?’
Carlos’ voice was calm, as if this was any other conversation. He pressed a kiss to the top of TKs head, and TK closed his eyes. Silence stretched between the two of them. It was a comfortable silence, but TK knew he was the one who had to break it. He wasn’t entirely sure how, though.
He hadn’t even noticed he was picking at his own skin until Carlos enclosed his hand with his and stopped him from making himself bleed. Carlos’ other hand was tracing lazy patterns on TKs back, somehow being just right.
TK looked at his jeans on the floor, and saw the familiar bump in his pocket. He took a deep breath, pulled away from Carlos’ hand gently, and formed a fist around the strip of pills. The edges were sharp, and he felt it dig into his skin as he held on tightly. Then, he placed the drugs in Carlos’ hands.
The house was quiet apart from the rain outside, their breathing, and the soft rattle of the pills in the strip as Carlos looked at them. TK didn’t dare look up at Carlos, because he knew what he’d see there. Hurt. Maybe disappointment. Maybe betrayal. Probably both. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle all that, and he braced himself for whatever would be coming.
Instead, he heard the strip clatter to the ground, and felt Carlos’ second hand on his back. ‘I’m proud of you.’
TKs mind was spinning. Had he understood that correctly? What could Carlos possibly mean by that? Carlos must have misunderstood what TK was trying to tell him, that was the only way.
‘I’m proud of you,’ Carlos repeated, a determined edge to his voice. Despite himself, TK pushed himself up to look into his boyfriend’s eyes.
‘Why?’ was all he could ask. ‘I was going to take those pills.’
‘You didn’t, though.’
‘I wanted to.’
‘But you didn’t.’
‘I have never needed anything as much before as that.’
‘And yet you’re here.’
TK looked into Carlos’ face, trying to find even the slightest hint that the other man was lying, but he came up empty. Stunned into silence, he laid his head back on Carlos’ chest. Carlos’ hands resumed what they were doing on TKs back, and TK involuntarily snuggled closer.
‘I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through,’ Carlos said, his voice low and steady. TK felt that if he could just hold on to that voice, hold it tight to his heart, then maybe he could get the chaos to quieten down. ‘All I know is that you’re here, and that was you. That was all you.’
The words hung between them, and TK turned them over in his mind, wrapping them around himself like a blanket. The wind horn had long since stopped. Whilst his heart still felt heavy, and the thoughts and the void were still there, he felt something else battling for dominance, and for now it seemed to be winning. For the first time in way too long, he felt some semblance of peace.
‘I love you,’ TK muttered. Those words weren’t enough, not by far, to express how he felt about Carlos. But right now, those words were all he had.
‘I love you too,’ Carlos returned.
TK knew this wasn’t over. Just because he’d decided not to take a pill didn’t mean he was suddenly better. He still felt the heaviness and the intrusive thoughts lying dormant, waiting to pounce. He knew he was going to have to do something about it. He’d have to tell his dad, who would freak out the way only parents can. That would mean more therapy, more supervision, more everything. But that was a worry for another day.
Right now, all he had to think about was the steady rise and fall of Carlos’ chest beneath him, and the sound of rain on the windows. He closed his eyes, shutting out the world.
Things were going to be rough, but he would deal with it. They would deal with it. And TK knew, somewhere deep within his bones, that he was going to be okay.