Archive of Our Own

Just thinking about your frictionless relationship with Cad makes you smile. You know that he doesn’t really get the way other people fall in love, or lust depending on who it is, and sometimes that makes you sad. But not sad in a way that you’d want him to change - Gods no. You love him for the way he is, and you know he loves you for the way you are. It doesn’t stop you from thinking about another life, another place, though.

That’s mostly irrelevant. You’ll be the first to admit, when you first found Cad and he joined your merry band of adventurers, you’d harbored a rather large crush on him. That, originally, started your kindness campaign toward him. Selfish, yes, but you don’t regret it. It has made you the closest friend you’re sure you’ll have in your entire life. He’d kept mostly to himself before you reached out to him, being nicer and nicer until… Well, until he started to return the favors.

That’s what makes you two work so well together. Everyone else is resistant, honestly, to the way you want to be nice to them. You know they have their reasons, so you don’t push. Eventually they are kind to you and, though you don’t do it just so that others will be nice to you, it’s a warming feeling to know that you have some impact on the people you travel with.

Caduceus is the one that goes out of his way the most for you, though. He’s the one that will prepare your meal in the way that you prefer, but Caleb hates, and adjusts Caleb’s accordingly. He’s the one that will listen to you and Jester fawn over Oskar, even though he’s not interested in the romantic or sexual aspects of Tusk Love. He’s the one that will hear you having a nightmare and wrap his large, warm body around yours to comfort you in the middle of the night. He is your best friend, and you’re his. (After the Wildmother, of course. You’d never get between them. It’s so clear how fond he is of her, and how fond she is of him.)

But all of these things, the history the two of you share and how close you are compared to the rest of the Mighty Nein, are the reason Caduceus comes to you late at night, tears wetting the fur on his face. It’s late, and you were asleep, but your door is open to anyone in the Might Nein. Cad knows this, which is why you’re surprised that he is knocking.

“Caddy,” You reach for his hand and guide him into your room, “What’s wrong?” He doesn’t say anything, opting instead to drape himself over you in a warm, strong hug. You feel his breathing stutter and then pick back up, a telltale sign he’s been crying for some time. Your stomach drops like a stone, “Hey, let’s sit down on the bed, okay? And then we can talk if you want or we can just sit.” He lets you lead him to the bed, but as soon as he’s at, he curls up with his back towards you and shields himself as much as possible with his arms. It’s like he’s afraid of you, sobs returning to jostle his body on your bed.

You let him have his space, stepping back but reminding him that you’re here - for him, in the room, for the long haul. You can’t let Caduceus think he’s alone in whatever he’s going through, because he’s not. He’s not alone, never, not with you around. Your heart breaks as he whimpers and rolls over, reaching a hand out for you. There’s no hesitation in your mind when you crawl into bed and let Cad fold himself around you, holding you so tightly that you’re afraid that he’ll break. “Caddy, I need you to calm down,” You wrap your arms around his middle, scratching lightly at the fur on his back to try and comfort him.

“Am I broken?”

“What?”

“Am I broken?” And then he says your name, pleading and so filled with sorrow, that it chokes you up for a second. “I think I might be broken.”

“Caduceus Clay, you are not broken,” You whisper, voice shaking as you pull him impossibly closer, eyes cresting with tears as you look, unseeing, at the wall over his shoulder. He’s buried his face in the crook where your neck meets your jaw. “I don’t know why you would think that, but I know you are not.”

He sniffles. “Beau said…” But he cuts himself off, jaw snapping shut with an audible sound as he squeezes his arms around your waist. You can feel his hands shaking as they clench in your sleep clothes.

“Beau says a lot of shit,” You turn your head to nuzzle your nose against the back of his large ear, hoping to bring some sort of comfort to him. Whatever she said to him has gotten him more worked up than anything you’ve ever seen, “She says a lot of shit and sometimes she doesn’t mean it, and sometimes she doesn’t really get what she’s saying. She’s an empire kid, Caddy, they’re sheltered and unsure and kind of… Well, they’re assholes. Beau is not immune to Empire Kid Asshole Syndrome, just like Caleb isn’t.” He shudders, a fresh round of tears wetting your neck and the fur on his face. “Cad… Caddy, come on, what did she say?”

“We were in Jester’s room,” He begins, voice calm but small, “And she was talking about Tusk Love again. Nott asked a question - about, I don’t know, I think our first time, but I don’t… I’ve never…” You press a kiss against his fur when he begins to work himself up again. He sucks in a shaking breath, “And I told them, and the Beau asked why and… There’s not a reason, I don’t suppose.”

“There doesn’t have to be a reason,” You whisper, “But if you want a reason, the reason is that this is how you’ve chosen to live.”

Caduceus continues like he doesn’t hear you, “She said that there’s no point to having friends, to being so close to you, if nothing will come from it. She said that life is about love and sex and finding someone to share it all with. She said that I was leading you on. That you’re in love with me.”

You whine low in your throat and push on Cad’s shoulders so he’s looking at you. You want him to not only listen to what you’re about to say, but hear it. He looks so sad, ears pulled back and eyes glassy. “I am not in love with you, Caduceus Clay. I love you. There is a difference. Once, yes, I thought that I might have been able to fall in love with you, but I know how you feel. What you feel is real, do you understand?” You pause for him to respond, but he just looks at you. “You do not need love and sex to live life, okay? And love - you have so much of it. I love you. The Mighty Nein loves you. The Wildmother loves you. You have so much love in your life, and if that is enough for you then that’s enough for you. Nobody has any say in what you want from life except you.”

“Am I hurting you? By not being able to fall in love with you?”

“No,” You say firmly, “Your worth is not measured by your ability or desire to fall in love.” Cad shifts on the bed, and you pull him closer, settling your forehead against his, “I’ll talk to Beau in the morning, okay? She will apologize to you - either this is a misunderstanding, or she was being intentionally malicious, but there will be an apology.”

His eyes slip closed, and the sigh that follows shakes as it leaves his body. Some of the tension melts away and you let one of your hands move up his body - making sure he knows you’re aiming for his face - until your thumb can rub soft circles in his cheek. “Do you believe me?” You ask, voice soft as he begins to come down.

“What?”

“Do you believe that you’re not broken? That you just are who you are? That it’s okay?” You press your nose against his for a brief second. Just a moment of comforting intimacy, but you don’t press it. “Do you believe what I said?”

“I’m not sure,” He stutters a little bit, frown tugging slightly at his lips, “I think that I could come to believe it because you wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Never,” You promise in a strong voice, despite whispering to him, “I would never lie to you. I’m not lying to you.” You shift a little, twisting your legs with his long and lithe ones, “Let’s get some rest tonight, and I’ll set Beau straight in the morning, okay?” You know he’s already tipping off toward sleep, his body warming and becoming pliant in your arms. Caduceus only hums and nods, one of his ears twitching as your breath hits it when you chuckle. Tomorrow, you’ll bring your wrath down upon Beau - lightly, because you’re almost positive she didn’t mean what she said and probably phrased it horribly wrong. Tomorrow, you’ll set it straight with the rest of the Mighty Nein, too - that not wanting romantic love, or sexual things, does not make someone broken. You’ll educate them and, if you get any pushback, you’ll make sure they know that if Cad walks, you walk.

You’re sure he feels the same way.