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"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken." - C.S. Lewis
Usually, love is falling. Love is at a moment's notice, all at once, unforeseen.
Usually.
For those unlucky souls who walk into love, who acknowledge their feelings like a flower slowly blooming in the spring, well, they have it much harder. They don't just wake up one day and know that they accidentally fell.
No, they woke up each day knowing they were slowly falling and accepting their fate, willingly continuing on this path.
Montgomery knew he wanted Leonard the first time they bumped into each other in their shared bathroom, sitting on the counter after a long diplomatic party and sharing a bottle of bourbon.
It was a gentle feeling in the back of his mind, not pressing or demanding of any sort.
And there were many more encounters in their shared bathroom, and then one night Leonard came bursting into Scotty's room ready to blow the roof off.
And then it was like they were roommates, that they were friends who came into each other's quarters unannounced, usually offering some kind of bottle of alcohol.
They were drinking buddies as well because no one could keep up with their high tolerance except each other. And on their off nights(which was hardly ever, considering their jobs) they would get definitely more than tipsy and Leonard would get tired and maybe fall asleep on his shoulder.
And Scotty was definitely not sober, but he did remember the warm feeling of the doctor's head on his shoulder and the flutter in his heart that forced a grin as he wrapped an arm around Leonard, relishing the feeling.
He was aware, as he helped Leonard to his quarters, that there was something there, something stirring in his soul.
He liked the doctor's company a lot.
It only grew from there. And in the coming months, he began worshipping any stolen attention, any perfect private moments, the sweet honeysuckle laughter he provoked, and those perfect and very rare grins.
He looked forward to bringing Leonard coffee every morning on his way to the bridge. He didn't have to do this, there were yeomans everywhere, but Leonard specifically said that he didn't like replicated coffee and Scotty had a coffee maker in his office.
Scotty walked up to the bridge daily and the medbay was (more or less) on his way, so he always brought Leonard coffee, black with two splendas.
And he never grew tired of the way Leonard thanked him, praised him for taking the time to bring him coffee.
Leonard, of course, repaid him by bringing him meals down to Engineering when he couldn't pull himself away from his work.
And that's how their 'dinners in engineering' tradition started. It usually consisted of Leonard chiding him for not taking care of himself and then Montgomery asking how many cups of coffee he had today, which shut him up pretty good.
All of these little things, these minuscule trivial things, these little rituals and traditions, they all built up to be overwhelming.
They revealed the truth, a thousand memories and many months of this unbearable wanting, that Montgomery was in love with Leonard.
But the doctor despised love, cursed it like black poison and judged everyone who shoved it in his face.
Leonard was a romantic.
It was seen in his gestures, in his posture, in shadows in the eyes, in the warmth of his hands. He had once been a lover, and he loved with all of his heart.
His heart had been torn out and shattered, crushed under the weight of his past and now he was a lover scorned.
And his heart ached, Montgomery knew. His heart throbbed when he saw others so happy, as he'd once been.
Montgomery had come to accept that Leonard would never love him.
He thinks of all that makes Leonard wonderful. There is so much. But Montgomery perhaps likes his eyes the most.
So gorgeous, so many secrets. They can't contain his glee, his joy, even when he's grimacing. They can't contain his sadness, even when he tries to brush it off. They're like portals to the soul, perfect crystal windows that Montgomery can get lost in so easily.
He gets lost right now as he lays on the biobed, staring up at the doctor as he talks about his condition.
He knows it's bad.
The flowers wrapping around his ribs are signs enough.
Montgomery wheezes, letting another flower spill from his mouth into the bucket. The blood dribbles down his lips and he stares at the beautiful white flower, stained with his blood. White lilies.
"Montgomery, did you hear me?"
The doctor's voice roused him from his reverie.
"You need surgery, right now or you're going to die. It's only going to get worse."
Montgomery shook his head and rasped out a broken, "No."
"No? No? What do you mean no? Montgomery, this is your life we're talking about! You're going to die, you stubborn ass!"
Better than hurting you, Len. Better than hurting you more.
Leonard grasped both of his shoulders firmly.
"You're getting the surgery, this isn't negotiable. You're-you're getting the surgery, it's what's best if you're not going to confess! I'm your doctor, dammit! And you're not going to die because of some...some stupid disease!"
His demeanor softened and his eyes glistened with unshed emotions.
"Don't throw your life away for some person, some heartache. The Enterprise needs you...god...dammit!"
He cursed, turning away from Montgomery and resting his head in his hands.
"Leonard...Ah'm not getting that surgery."
"Your pride is going to be the death of you," Leonard looked up from his hands, his eyes misty.
"No," The engineer shook his head. "My love will be the death of me."
"To hell with love! It's not love if it kills you, you idiot! It's not...is love really worth dying for?"
Montgomery didn't answer that. They both knew what he thought.
"Well, it doesn't matter what you want. I'm your doctor and I'm not letting you die for this person. You're too valuable to lose. I'm not going to let you die."
Montgomery shook his head again. "Mah...choice."
"No! No, no, no! Shut up, Romeo, just-just stop!" Leonard turned to him again, their faces only a few inches apart.
Montgomery noticed Leonard's nose twitching, a sign that signaled tears were on their way.
The doctor sniffed, growing suddenly very quiet.
"I can't lose my best friend..."
Montgomery's heart twisted at that horrible word. Friend.
"Monty pl-please reconsider..."
The doctor's voice was quiet and his eyes were pricked with tears. His eyes were wide and glassy and Montgomery just wanted to hold him close and brush those premature tears away.
"Don't let some stupid crush take your life..."
The tears were slipping down that beautiful face, cold as they slithered past his nose and down his chin, staining Montgomery's shirt.
Montgomery just wanted to brush them away, just wanted to hold Leonard close and tell him that everything was going to be alright.
I love you so much I can't breathe was becoming a very literal real prospect.
I love you so much, Len. I love you so much it hurts but I cannae seem to stop.
Montgomery let his hand cup Leonard's face, his thumb rubbing gentle circles into his cheek.
Surprisingly, Leonard leaned into the touch, closing his eyes as the tears slipped down his face.
Montgomery drew in a broken breath.
There were no words, only an icy silence.
Leonard closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Monty's, breathing out.
The hand that wasn't cupping Leonard's face searched for Leonard's hand, mindlessly, and Leonard let their fingers intertwine.
Montgomery coughed again, blood staining his lips.
And then it was all gone.
Because he suddenly knew.
He suddenly knew that Leonard loved him very much.
And the flowers were gone, and he breathed deeply, overwhelmingly overjoyed that he could breathe again.
Leonard picked this up, and he opened his eyes, looking into Montgomery's eyes and knowing.
The doctor broke into a watery grin. He chuckled softly and the engineer joined him.
"Ah love ye so much," Montgomery said breathlessly and Leonard nodded.
"I know."
They laid together for a long time on the biobed, cuddled up in each other's arms. The silence between them was warm and saying so much without saying anything at all.
It was in this warm silence that Leonard suddenly said,
"Who in the hell likes white lilies anyway?"
Montgomery laughed so hard, they both nearly fell off the biobed.