Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Meeting is

One of the accidents.

The sunshine at the beginning of the summer.

-Otaka Sho 

Transferring to a new college right before his second semester started was never Chuuya’s plan. Change, on its own, is something that makes him squirm, let alone a new campus with new students and a new dorm life he really, desperately wants to pass. No, Chuuya isn’t asocial or antisocial for that matter, but he does prefer solitude over some loud, obnoxious, jerkhead he might have to stay with. 

Yes, he’s being judgmental for no reason. Heck, he doesn’t even know who he might end up sharing the room with. But, here he is, groaning at the mirror at his own, pathetic self.

“You ready?” Ane-san asks him and he smiles politely.

Chuuya loves his older sister. After his parents died, his only support was Ane-san. Although she’s only a few years older than him, her job is the only means of money for both of them. And her job is the poshest and the most luxurious one that Chuuya could ever imagine. No, their survival isn’t a struggle just because they don’t have their parents anymore. Ane-san took up all that struggle and worked hard for both of them and now, now she works in a high tech firm with a superb position and earns a hefty amount of money out of it. That is only one of the many reasons that Chuuya admires her so much. 

So, of course, when her job demands a transfer, Chuuya could not argue. He didn’t want to move away from where they were, but he didn’t say anything. Of course, Chuuya knew that Ane-san knew about it. That’s perhaps mostly why she asks him to stay on the campus.

“You’ll have fun, I promise!” She had said. “You’ll make tons of friends and trust me, they’re going to stay with you for a lifetime.”

… Chuuya begs to differ. But, he doesn’t say it out loud.

Chuuya had been informed that he can shift to his new dorm after the class for the day. Even though he hasn’t changed his major, he still feels this pang of nervousness inside him; what in the world is he going to learn here? Is he scared? Hell no. Chuuya isn’t scared of anything. But, just like any other person, he doesn’t appreciate not being aware of things beforehand.

He sighs. It’s not like he has any other choice. He walks inside the gates of the new campus, not even surprised by how huge it really is. He isn’t new to this one thing, after all. His freshman and sophomore years had gone splendidly back in another college. It hadn’t taken him a long time to complete his general course and hop on to his major. But, that isn’t to say that Chuuya isn’t interested in the subjects he’s being offered in the new school. He had previously chosen Psychology and that isn’t about to change. But, here there are other fascinating subjects like astronomy and literature that really grabs his attention. Being a new student, the credits he had got in the previous school are practically useless, so he still needs to achieve credits in the new college too.

He thinks about the form he had filled. He remembers ticking anything that interests him and makes his work easier. Roughly, he gathers the subjects he had chosen.

1. English literature 
2. Modern Japanese
3. Calculus
4. Astronomy
5. Psychology

Transferring mid-year also means that Chuuya has to work harder than others. It’s exhausting to think about, but it doesn’t scare him off. When Chuuya hustles, he hustles . If that means some late-night coffee sessions till six in the morning or cramming twenty essays in three days, then so be it.

It’s still exhausting to think about.

Chuuya enters the building which is swarmed with students. He checks the timetable he had saved on his phone, which says that he has literature first. After that is Psychology, so he’d have to run straight to the adjacent building (if he isn’t wrong) the moment Lit ends.

He enters the huge, auditorium-like room, not quite expecting anything new. All he sees is a large, clean whiteboard up front, a stage-like space for the professor and a huge hall filled with seats, the highest ones being in the back. There are only a few seats that he sees are filled. As more and more students swarm in, they begin filling further. Chuuya decides not to waste time; he walks up the platform to the extreme back and settles down in one of the seats.

Nobody stares at him and nobody comments. Chuuya is thankful for that. It’s a harsh, yet satisfying truth that you learn as you grow up; nobody cares. 

All Chuuya has for the day is a rough notebook, a few pens and his phone. He has yet to buy the textbooks. He’ll do that during the weekend, he decides. He rummages through his bag and picks out the notebook. It’s a thin book, really, mostly because Chuuya doesn’t expect himself to make elaborate notes or anything. Maybe he’ll just record the lectures on his phone and listen to them like podcasts before the exams.

“That’s my seat,” he hears a voice that makes him look up.

“Excuse me?”

The other guy clicks his tongue in annoyance. “I said that’s my seat. You’re sitting on my seat.”

“Are the seats permanently assigned or something?”

“No.”

“Then sit somewhere else.”

The other guy blinks at him. Chuuya is ready for a fight if he has to. It’s not like he hasn’t dealt with bullies in the past. He’s somewhat proud to say that he has, perhaps, made them cry a lot more than the other way around. So, yeah, he’s ready for anything.

Except that the guy only smirks at him. “You’re quite stubborn, aren’t you?”

“Maybe so,” Chuuya says. “Your point?”

The guy sighs, settling down right beside him. “Perhaps nothing.”

Chuuya, obviously, doesn’t want to sit with this guy. But, it’s not like he can just tell him to move, especially since half of the seats are already filled. He frowns, instead and looks away.

“Are you new here?”

“Do you really recognise every single student on the campus?” Chuuya says without looking at him.

The guy laughs. “Perhaps not. But, I think I’d recognise someone with bright hair as yours if I see them around in the two years I’ve been here.”

Chuuya turns his gaze back at him, ready to talk trash about his hair too. But, he realises that it’s just… plain brown.

The guy raises his brows, the cheeky grin still intact. “Well?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says with a frown. “I transferred.”

“Oh. Why now?”

“You don’t need to know that.”

He laughs. “Fair enough.”

Chuuya crosses his arms and resists the urge to cross his legs over the table. While he hopes that he can seriously forget that obnoxious laugh, the professor enters the room and the class goes silent. 

Chuuya blinks. It actually takes him a few seconds to realise that the man that had just entered is the professor. His hair is simply fascinating. A dual shade of chestnut and dark brown parts his hair, while the chestnut strands cover his eye. His moustache is short and crisp, and he wears a hat that he removes once he stands behind his desk. Turning the microphone clipped on his coat on, he clears his throat and shuffles a few papers stacked on the desk.

“I’m going to hand you all the syllabus. Please read them carefully and attend the lectures accordingly.”

He walks to the first student, but before handing her the stack, he looks directly at the back of the room; right at where Chuuya is sitting. Chuuya groans inwardly, dreading the high school typical introduction he might have to do. But, soon he realises that the gaze had nowhere been directed to him.

“And Dazai-kun, I’d appreciate it if you won’t make aeroplanes out of these sheets,” the professor says. “Printing is expensive when done in such bulk.”

The boy sitting beside Chuuya grins wide. “Okay, sensei.”

Eventually, the papers reach them and it takes a stern glare from Chuuya for the guy to chuckle and actually hand him one of the sheets.

Man, what a jerk. Chuuya hopes to all gods that they don’t have any other common classes; he, for sure, cannot bear that guy.

He looks down at the syllabus and skims through all the topics that are to be covered. There is an awful amount of Shakespearean plays and a few poems by poets he hadn’t even heard of. English literature is fairly new to him. He knows a lot about Japanese literature, especially the poetry side of it. Chuuya, contrary to popular belief, is completely in love with traditional Japanese haiku poetry. But, perhaps learning a few English ones wouldn’t be too bad, he thinks.

Chuuya looks up to find the professor walking near the whiteboard and picking a marker. That’s when he notices that the guy’s hair isn’t just dual; it is of three different shades! The hair right above his neck is a bright white, merging into both chestnut brown as well as dark brown.

“What’s his name?”

“Whose name?” the guy asks, not looking up from the syllabus.

“The professor, duh.” Chuuya rolls his eyes.

“Oh,” the guy finally looks up, “Natsume sensei. Sōseki Natsume.”

“He,” Chuuya pauses, considering whether his next words are offensive or not. But, then he says it anyway, “he looks like a cat.”

The guy shrugs. “He likes cats.”

“Why is his hair like that?”

“People have interests.”

Chuuya sighs. “Out of all the colours...”

“Are you sure that you’re a great judge for that?” The guy raises his brow and tilts his head.

Chuuya frowns, gritting his teeth. “My hair is naturally orange, you fuck!”

“Oh, is it?”

“Yes!” Chuuya huffs and looks away. He decides that day that his biggest regret in life, perhaps, would be to talk to… what was his name again.

“What was your name again?”

“You should have listened more carefully when sensei spoke.”

Chuuya really wants to kill this guy.

The squeaking of the marker stops as the professor turns to face the students. “We’re going to start a rather interesting topic today.”

Chuuya reads the whiteboard and inwardly groans.

Romeo and Juliet

By: Shakespeare

He turns the recorder of his phone on and places it on the table, closing the notebook he had readied. The guy next to him, on the other hand, doesn’t even turn a recorder. No notebooks, just nothing. He simply sits there, gazing at the whiteboard.

The professor, Natsume sensei, looks up and his eyes fall on Chuuya… this time, truly on him.

“You’re new, aren’t you?” He asks and doesn’t wait for a response. “Share the book with Dazai-kun for now.”

Ah, Dazai.

Wait… no, not him!

Chuuya groans and glances at him as he opens the textbook in his hands. When he realises that he isn’t going to keep it down, Chuuya clenches his fist.

“Are you going to share or what?”

“If you ask nicely.”

Chuuya grits his teeth, but the way Natsume sensei is looking at them, he can’t really afford a murder right now. “Can you please share the book with me?”

“I don’t know who you’re talking to,” the guy says. “You didn’t mention any name.”

“Dazai,” Chuuya says, his self-control wearing thin, “ please share the book with me.”

“You should have asked sooner. We’ve wasted so much time.” Dazai grins and places the book on the desk in between.

Yep. Chuuya hates transferring here.

It takes an hour for the class to be over. The next class is Psychology and Chuuya has to run all the way to the next building for it. He picks his bag the moment the class ends and stands up. He picks his phone and moves out of the seats to the stairs.

“You’re in a hurry,” Dazai notes.

“I have my class.”

“Oh, mine’s got a lot of time.”

“Don’t care.”

While Chuuya attempts to walk down, he hears a loud snicker behind him.

“Man, you’re so tiny.”

Chuuya stops briefly. “What?”

“You sure you’re not still in middle school or something?” Dazai laughs.

Chuuya would very well love to stay and beat the crap out of this guy. But, it’s his first day and he really doesn’t want to be late for his class.

So, he ends up screaming “Shut up, you mackerel!” at him as he keeps walking down.

“Mackerel? Really?”

“You look like one.”

“If you say so,” Dazai laughs. “Chibi.”

“Don’t call me that, you fuck!”

“But, you’re so tiny, I can’t help myself,” Dazai says.

As Chuuya is about to exit the doors, Dazai shouts from the back, gaining the entire class’ attention. “You didn’t tell me your name!”

“You don’t need to know!” Chuuya yells back before leaving the room and runs out the halls.

Chuuya reaches the adjacent building huffing and panting. He places his palm against the wall and peeks into the class. He, obviously, doesn’t expect to see an empty room. Heavily breathing, he looks around to see if there are more students nearby. He only catches sight of one student standing in the hall, clutching a book close to his chest.

“You,” Chuuya rasps and immediately gains his attention. “This is the room for Psychology, isn’t it?”

“Y—Yeah,” he says.

“Why aren’t there any students here, then?”

“Uh,” he says, eyeing his watch, “because there’s half an hour more for the class to start. P—probably that’s why.”

“Half an hour?” Chuuya gasps. “Why did I run all the way then?”

The guy lets out a tiny laugh. “It’s all right. I was confused on my first day too.”

Chuuya looks back at the guy. His laugh is nothing like that shitty Dazai’s. There’s no mockery or tease in his voice; he’s just genuinely speaking. Unlike Dazai, this guy has light grey hair, with just one black streak lining it. His bangs are uneven and choppy as if he had cut it himself. What’s more fascinating is his eyes; both a dual shade of purple and yellow. Heterochromia, was it called?

“Are you a student?” Chuuya asks, pointing at the classroom.

“No,” the boy says. “I’m a first-year student. I haven’t started my major yet.”

“What is your major?”

“Zoology,” he says, giving a shy smile.

“Oh,” Chuuya smiles back. “What are you doing here, then?”

“Oh,” his eyes widen and he shows him the book he had been holding, “my roommate forgot his book. So, I thought I might catch him before the class starts and give it to him.”

“Don’t you have a class right now, though?”

“Yeah, I still have fifteen minutes or so,” he waves his hand.

Whoever his roommate is, Chuuya thinks, is lucky to have him. He sighs and sits down on the floor, leaning against the wall. “What am I going to do for half an hour?”

“You could rest in your room for a while,” the boy suggests before settling down beside him.

“I haven’t been given a room yet,” Chuuya says, checking the time on his phone and closing it. “Will get it after the classes today.”

“Oh.”

Chuuya looks up at the building walls, all cracked from the edges. Perhaps it has been standing here for too long. Even something as strong as bricks wear off with time, after all.

“Ah, right,” the boy suddenly exclaims. “I forgot to tell you my name. I’m Nakajima Atsushi.”

“Nakahara Chuuya.”

“We have similar names,” Atsushi smiles and sits more comfortably.

Chuuya laughs. “I guess we do.”

They remain silent, but it isn’t uncomfortable. Chuuya does like the company of this boy. And it is definitely better than that with Dazai.

“Say,” Chuuya says, “how are the dorms like?”

“Small?” Atsushi laughs. “But adequate. The bigger ones are for six students or more, but the one I live in can take up to four.”

“Oh, so you live with three others?”

“No, just two for now,” Atsushi says, looking down. Fumbling with his white shirt, he continues, “I was the newest member a few months ago. My other two roommates lived alone till then.”

“And your roommates are third-years?” Chuuya raises a brow. “Are you even allowed to stay with upperclassmen?”

“One of them is a third-year and the other is a second-year,” Atsushi smiles. “I don’t know about the permit, though. They gave me the room but they also said that I could change if I’m not comfortable living with them.”

“Wow,”

“Yeah.”

“Are you?” Chuuya asks. “Comfortable, I mean.”

“Y—yeah, more or less.”

“More or less?” Chuuya snickers.

Atsushi lets out a laugh of his own. “They’re nice. At least one of them is. The other one just… doesn’t like me that much.”

“Ah, let me guess, the third year?”

“No,” Atsushi laughs. “It’s the second year.”

“Oh, my bad.”

Atsushi laughs and shakes his head. He looks up and his eyes widen. “Oh, there he is. My roommate.”

Chuuya doesn’t look up. He checks the time again, instead, realising that he still has ten minutes or so.

“Dazai-san!” Atsushi yells, waving the book in his hand.

That makes Chuuya jerk his head up so fast that he wouldn’t be surprised if his spine had cracked.

“Dazai?” Chuuya asks before standing up.

“Yeah,” Atsushi says. “He’s my third-year roommate.”

Mouth hanging wide open, he watches as Dazai waves his hand enthusiastically and saunters towards them. Chuuya frowns and keeps his eyes on him. It is then that he notices something white covering Dazai’s hands. As he gets closer and closer, Chuuya realises that those are simply clean, white bandages overlapping his hands almost completely, leaving merely the fingers. They don’t end there. If Chuuya looks more carefully, he’s sure he sees the bandages go further up his arms. He sees the same white covering his neck, perhaps even going further down his thorax. There is something about it that bothers Chuuya. The wrapping looks so meticulous as if done by trained hands. He wonders if a doctor had actually wrapped that on the entirety of his body.

But, perhaps what bothers him is the fact that Dazai had probably done it himself. Why? Because the bandages are so clean that it seems like he had just changed them before he started the classes. Chuuya doesn’t think that there is any doctor that would let him go with that many injuries right after bandaging them.

“Ah, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai says when he reaches inside the building. “What are you doing here?”

“Your book,” Atsushi says, handing him the book he had been holding.

Dazai takes it and blinks. “Oh.”

Atsushi starts walking away. “I’m going to go. My class is about to start.”

“All right, thank you Atsushi-kun.”

“N—no problem,” Atsushi smiles. He briefly waves at Chuuya and begins to leave.

Chuuya smiles and waves. Dazai, on the other hand, stares at him in utter disbelief. His face scrunches up as he frowns at him, pointing his finger with no regard. “What are you doing here?”

Chuuya’s smile falters easily. “I have a class, dummy.”

“You took Psychology?”

“It’s my major.”

Dazai blinks and then groans. “So, I have to share another class with you?”

“I should be asking you that!” Chuuya huffs.

Dazai clicks his tongue in annoyance. Atsushi pauses and looks at both of them. “Wait, you guys have met?”

“Unfortunately,” Chuuya sighs and looks away.

“I wouldn’t call it unfortunate,” Dazai grins. “It’s not every day that you get to see a tiny Chihuahua around here.”

Chuuya, to put it lightly, completely loses it. 

He stomps closer and Dazai doesn’t even move an inch. Pulling the other down by the collar, Chuuya grits his teeth. “Don’t test me, Dazai.”

“Oh? And if I do?” he grins. “Will you bring me down to your level?”

“Perhaps that’s exactly what I’ll do,” Chuuya says, his grip tightening. “Or maybe I’ll bury you down even more. Perhaps then you’ll see the actual difference our levels have.”

Dazai’s smile increases, but he doesn’t say anything. They keep staring at each other, waiting for the next move.

It’s ridiculous, Chuuya knows, the way they are fighting like children. But, how can one blame him, really? Just everything about Dazai rubs him off the wrong way. His obnoxious laugh and his insults are annoying in the worst ways possible. Besides, why is he this tall? Isn’t that abnormal for an average male? Even now, as Chuuya keeps his glare fixed on Dazai, he can see that the guy doesn’t regret anything that he had said. Rather, he is enjoying this.

And that pisses him even more.

“G—guys,” Atsushi says, bringing his hands up, “don’t fight.”

Chuuya doesn’t look at him, but he knows that more students are entering the building for the class. Clicking his tongue in annoyance, he lets the collar go and walks towards the classroom without even sparing a glance.

Atsushi perhaps runs right when he realises that he is terribly late for his class. Chuuya doesn’t know, really. He simply walks all the way to the back of the room and settles down on an empty chair.

He tries to calm himself down. After all that outburst, it takes him a while to breathe. It’s just the first day and he already wants to leave. He exhales; he’ll take it for Ane-san. It isn’t like he’s sacrificing a huge deal, anyway. If he can help in some way, he would.

Chuuya bites his lip, pulling out his rough notebook from his bag. The truth is that he just feels guilty. When his parents died, Ane-san and he were completely alone. Even though they were taken in by his grandparents, soon they were also gone and the two of them were alone again. This time, Ane-san decided to compromise. I’ll work. It’ll be okay. And Chuuya? He could do absolutely nothing. Ane-san worked day and night to be able to afford a good house and proper food. She came back home and cooked delicious meals for them every day. She did the laundry. She cleaned the house. And she paid for everything, even for Chuuya. There was nothing that Chuuya could ever do to help her. Even when he couldn’t, she’d smile at him.

You don’t need to do anything. I’ll do it. It’ll be okay.

She kept saying it like a mantra. She still does.

It’ll all be okay.

Chuuya doesn’t know if the phrase is said so repeatedly to console him or to reassure herself.

All Chuuya knows is that now it is his chance. He can study well in college and graduate with a brilliant degree and earn for both of them. If that means he has to transfer to this new college and deal with an obnoxious guy then so be it. He’ll do it for Ane-san.

It brings a tiny smile to his face and inadvertently calms him down. When he looks up he sees Dazai hovering near his seat. It takes him a moment to realise that he’s sitting down beside him.

“Why are you sitting beside me?”

“There’s no other seat left.”

Chuuya looks around and realises that there are, in fact, no other empty seats. He groans and looks away. It’ll be okay.

“You don’t have the book for Psychology either, do you?” Dazai asks after placing his own book on the table.

“No,”

Dazai hums and opens the book, flipping through the pages to stop at one. Chuuya wonders if Dazai would share his book with him.

He doesn’t, in the end, and Chuuya is pretty sure he cursed him a ton.

Exhausted beyond words, Chuuya goes to the main hall of the campus. The teacher took two hours of class and managed to explain only a single concept and that makes him even more frustrated. His head pounds against the skull as he reaches the hall, talks to a few authoritative figures and finally, finally gets his ID card ready as a room key. He is told the directions to the building where his dorm is and is even accompanied to the gates.

The dorm building is right beside the school building. Chuuya thanks the lady and walks inside the gates, fumbling with his ID. His room is on the second floor and his suitcase and bags are already in front of the stairs with his name on them. He picks them and walks up the stairs, managing only barely to pull his heavy suitcase all the way up. Panting and huffing, he pulls the suitcase like a trolly and walks to the room he had been assigned.

“God, please don’t give me a weird roommate,” Chuuya whispers with his eyes closed. “I’ve already dealt with enough today.”

Letting out a breath, he swipes his ID on the machine on the door and the grip on his suitcase handle tightens when the door unlocks. Slowly, he places his other hand on the handle and opens it.

As the door flings open and stops moving, Chuuya stands on the entry and the bags on his shoulder slips down. The only sound that he hears is of the bags falling with a thud on the floor. The only sight he can see is a horror on its own.

There is a body, vertically standing in the middle of the room, except he isn’t standing at all. There is a rope around his neck which had been fastened hastily to a piece of rail on the ceiling. The boy is hanging soundlessly on it, his toes touching the ground.

The only name that rings in Chuuya’s mind is Dazai .

The boy, to his horror, he realises, is Dazai.

Chuuya gasps and his hand reaches for the door handle as he grips it tightly. “He’s dead!” He screams.

It’s my fault , Chuuya thinks. What if he had killed himself because of their fight? Chuuya breaks into a cold sweat as he keeps staring at Dazai’s body.

It is in an instant, Chuuya would say that Dazai’s head moves and looks up at him. Before Chuuya can even comprehend what had happened, Dazai blinks and grins, waving his hands around. “I’m alive!”

“He’s alive!” Chuuya screams.

Chuuya regrets everything .

Chapter Text

How Admirable!

To see lightning and not think

Life is fleeting.

-Matsuo Basho

There is a numb ache around his throat as Dazai removes the noose. He stretches his back and lets out the deepest of sighs. The ache doesn’t end at his throat, but he opens his eyes and looks at the newcomer in his dorm. It’s the same guy he had seen earlier in two of his classes. The same guy who's almost passable as a girl, that is until he speaks. With bright orange hair falling on his shoulder and even brighter blue eyes, he is impeccably shorter than he should be. But, right now, he stands there with sweat rolling like beads down his forehead, his bags lying on the floor and his hand clutching his shirt near his chest as he breathes heavily, balanced against the door.

“He’s—you’re alive!” he screams and Dazai lifts his brow.

“Dazai-san!” he hears another voice from behind. Atsushi-kun stomps nearer and frowns at him. “I needed that rope for something.”

“Oh,” Dazai smirks. “What for?”

“Project.”

“Oh… well, that’s boring,” Dazai sighs, pulling the rope so it falls.

 He hands the rope to Atsushi who picks it and wraps it around his hand loosely. He turns his gaze towards the boy standing at the door.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Dazai notes as he sees how pale the boy looks.

The boy stares at him in such disbelief that Dazai rethinks about what he had said. “What? I just—I just saw you hang yourself!”

Dazai gazes at the rope and then back at the guy. “Ah, right. That.”

Atsushi waves his hand, explaining things patiently. “It’s not a big deal. We’re all used to it by now.”

The other guy stares at him for a good second before completely losing his composure… not that he had it in the first place, Dazai would say. “How are you so casual about it? He tried to kill himself!”

Atsushi sighs. “Nakahara-san, if I had known beforehand, I would have tried to stop him. But he does this quite a lot. I can’t help but get accustomed to it.”

Dazai grins at that and looks back at the guy Atsushi had called Nakahara-san . He looks at Dazai with such fear that for once he wonders if the sight really must have been that frightening. It isn’t like Dazai had never wondered what it might look like to others; this deep desire within him to simply end everything. Every time he had tried to, he had seen the faces of someone. Someone who looks at him with utter disappointment. Someone who’s the reason Dazai manages to escape death each time.

It keeps reminding him to struggle. If he’s trying to drown, he’d end up struggling for breath. If he’s hanging himself, he’d start to choke. If he’s trying to jump, his heart would leap out of his chest. All because of that one figure in his mind that keeps pulling him back.

That damn Odasaku , Dazai would think. Even dead, he’s trying to save me.

So, the looks of those living around him aren't new to him. But, he wouldn’t be lying if he said that he absolutely hates seeing those expressions.

“Speaking of,” Atsushi-kun says, suddenly filling the silence. “What are you doing here, Nakahara-san?”

Dazai looks at the redhead and a sudden realisation creeps up in his mind. “No,” he says, his face contorting into shock, “you’re not—no!”

The guy frowns. “I don’t like it either!”

Atsushi, on the other hand, gasps. “You’re going to live here?”

The guy, Nakahara, looks away and mumbles, “I suppose.”

“This is great!” Atsushi exclaims.

“How is it great?” Dazai mumbles, earning a glare from Nakahara.

“Maybe I should get them to change my room,” the guy frowns.

“What? No!” Atsushi says, stepping further towards the guy and tugging his sleeves. “It’ll be great here, I promise! Besides, I don’t think they’ll change it now.”

The redhead stares at him for a minute before letting out a tiny chuckle. “You want me to stay?”

“Yes!”

The guy laughs. “Well, maybe then I’ll think about it.”

Dazai likes his laugh. He finds the guy annoying and brash. But, perhaps he’d still admit that his laugh is cute.

… He won’t say it out loud, though.

He looks back at the duo to find Atsushi gushing about the dorm. The redhead’s eyes stay on Atsushi as he listens fondly. Dazai sighs; perhaps they’ll get along well.

“Oh,” Atsushi suddenly says, looking back at Dazai. “Where’s Akutagawa, though?”

Dazai thinks, bringing his fingers near his chin. “Library, if I had to guess.”

“Library?”

“He has been overworking himself again, hasn’t he?” Dazai smiles. “He’s probably at the library doing that research work he was talking about.”

Atsushi looks at him sceptically, narrowing his eyes. Dazai laughs at that. 

It’s this fun thing they do; guessing Akutagawa’s whereabouts. Dazai wins almost every time when it comes to this. There had been certain instances when Atsushi could guess it out, but Dazai certainly finds the competition easier. But, the fact remains that Atsushi still tries to win and Dazai just finds that adorable.

The thing with Akutagawa being the victim is that he is hard to predict, but not completely unpredictable. But, once one makes a certain assumption about him, they’ve lost the guess. Atsushi tends to make that mistake while Dazai doesn’t. He lets his instinct work rather than overthinking about his personality. Besides, out of all the people he knows, Akutagawa might just be someone he sees himself in the most.

The door behind him opens with a tiny creak just as the conversation dies. Akutagawa enters, slow like a cat and closes the door behind him. He removes the glasses perched on top of his nose and finally looks up. Finding out that everybody is staring at him, he lets out a cough.

“Where were you?” Atsushi asks all of a sudden, his eyes wide and eager.

Akutagawa frowns at him, raising a brow.

“Yeah,” Dazai says. “Where were you Akutagawa-kun?”

This makes Akutagawa straighten his posture and sigh. “I was at the library.”

“How?” Atsushi whines, now looking at a proud Dazai.

“I can guess~” Dazai sings before walking towards his bed. 

He pulls out a book from under the covers that he had been reading and places it on the table. Looking back, he sees Akutagawa blinking at the redhead. “Who are you?”

“Our new roommate!” Atsushi exclaims happily.

Akutagawa looks at Atsushi and then at the redhead before walking towards his own bed. The redhead, on the other hand, keeps his eyes on Akutagawa for a moment longer than it is necessary, before turning to face Atsushi. 

“Which one’s going to be mine?” He points his chin towards the beds.

“Ah,” Atsushi looks back and points at the bed above Dazai. “The upper bunk.”

“And who’s going to sleep below mine?”

“Me,” Dazai grins, resting himself on his elbows.

The guy frowns and clicks his tongue in annoyance. Dazai’s grin grows. It’s fun, after all, to annoy the hell out of this guy who reacts to everything so quickly. It’s the same with Kunikida-kun; the ones who get frustrated that easy are more fun to tease.

“Don’t worry,” Atsushi smiles. “I’m going to sleep on the other upper one. Beside yours.”

The guy laughs. “I’ll take that.”

He moves towards the bed, dragging his suitcase and bag behind him. He eyes Dazai for a minute before throwing his bag up on his own bed. Dazai resists an urge to poke him… just for fun. He stands up instead, placing his phone on the table and connecting it to his broken-yet-haphazardly-taped charging cord.

“Akutagawa,” the redhead speaks suddenly, gaining everybody’s attention.

Akutagawa turns to look at him too and the guy grins. “I’m surprised that you didn’t recognise me?”

Akutagawa’s eyes widen just by a fraction. “Do I know you?”

“Well,” the guy sighs, “I should have realised. You did leave during your second year.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Akutagawa says, formal as ever.

The redhead grins wider. “You used to follow me everywhere, all the time,” he places his hands on his waist and lets out a small laugh. “Chuuya senpai this, Chuuya senpai that.”

Dazai’s brows furrow inadvertently and he looks at Akutagawa whose eyes are wide as ever now. “Chuu—ya...”

“Still don’t remember me,” the guy side-eyes him with the grin still intact, “Akutagawa Ryuunosuke?” And Dazai of all people recognises ‘tease’ when he hears it.

Akutagawa, at that, straightens up suddenly and exclaims, “S—senpai!”

The redhead simply lets out a laugh. “Hey, kiddo.”

Dazai’s brows lift and a smile, surprisingly, forms on his lips. Atsushi comes up behind him and whispers in awe. “I’ve never seen Akutagawa like that.”

“Me neither,” Dazai says before grabbing his phone and turning on the camera.

The picture of such a flustered Akutagawa is definitely worth keeping. It’s not every day that you get to see that.

“Senpai?” He hears Akutagawa speak. “I thought your house was nowhere near. Why did you join here, then?”

The guy smiles. “Ane-san got a transfer.”

“Oh,” Akutagawa says as if it explains everything.

“Also,” the guy grins, walking closer and ruffling Akutagawa’s hair into a mess, “call me Chuuya.”

“Chuuya senpai,” Akutagawa says, slowly trying to fix his hair.

“It’s not needed, idiot.”

“Chuuya-san?”

The guy grins before turning back.

“You and Nakahara-san have met before?” Atsushi suddenly asks and Akutagawa gives a curt nod.

“We studied in the same high school,” the redhead says and turns to face Atsushi. “You can call me Chuuya too, you know.”

“Chuuya… san?”

“That works.”

Dazai, who had definitely been waiting for a chance, smirks and chimes in, “Aww, I’ll gladly call you Chuuya too.”

Chuuya snaps his head at him and points a finger. “ You call me Nakahara.”

“I’m honoured, Chibi,” Dazai subtly ignores him. “I’ll make sure to call you Chuuya whenever possible. Okay, Chuuya?”

Chuuya grits his teeth. “No! It’s not okay!”

“Ah,” Dazai sings dramatically, “the sound of such fond, Chuuya~”

“Man, I hate you,”

“Oh, stop,” Dazai grins. “You’re going to make me cry with all the love you’re showering on me, Chuuya~”

“Shut up!” he screams before huffing and turning away.

Dazai snickers as Chuuya climbs onto his own bed and crosses his legs, pulling his phone out with a frown. Dazai walks to Akutagawa and sits down beside him on his bed. He had never imagined Akutagawa as the kind of person to have contact with anyone. Getting to know that he had a friend and that friend happens to be someone Dazai finds so annoying irks him a bit. But, it is also true that he is curious. 

Dazai had always been curious. Meddling into others’ business is something he has been doing since a really young age and he doesn’t regret doing so even now. 

“Akutagawa-kun~” he chimes till he gets his attention.

“Dazai-san,”

“How’s everything? Did I tell you how great you look in those glasses?”

“What do you want, Dazai-san?” Akutagawa sighs, removing his glasses again.

Dazai grins. “Since you and Chibi have met before, why don’t you tell me more about him? I’d love to hear, you know.”

“What about him?”

“Everything.”

Akutagawa glances at Chuuya who’s seemingly unaware of the conversation, engrossed deeply in his phone, and then at the floor. He sighs. “He was a second-year student when I joined the school. I didn’t meet him till the middle of that year, as far as I remember.”

“How did you meet?”

Akutagawa almost smiles at the memory. Almost . “It was during a fight.”

Dazai raises his brow and Akutagawa continues. “Well, senpai was a… delinquent back then. And I had a few bullies. He’d beat them up for me.”

“Him?” Dazai chuckles, pointing at Chuuya.

“Yeah,” Akutagawa says with an indifferent tone. “He might not look like it but he was the strongest in our school.”

“You cannot expect me to believe that, Akutagawa-kun.”

“He studied martial arts.”

“W—what?” Dazai chokes on his own words.

“Black belt.”

Dazai makes the weirdest of faces and looks back at Chuuya… who is biting his nail, sitting crossed leg, grinning over something on his phone. 

“... he fought off bullies for you?”

“Yeah,” Akutagawa places his glasses back on. “That is why he has my respect. He got suspended because of me and there wasn’t an ounce of regret in him.”

Akutagawa doesn’t say anything beyond that, looking back at the books he had opened earlier, a clear sign that he’s done talking. Dazai doesn’t ask anything else, either. 

A delinquent huh? Dazai smiles and walks to his own bed as everybody starts with their goodnights and starts climbing onto their respective beds. This might actually be fun.

Dazai wakes up way before his alarm goes off. The room is dark when he opens his eyes. He rubs them and gazes at the window, which is conveniently placed on the wall between the two bunks at each edge of the room. The curtains are parted, Dazai notes. Perhaps he had forgotten to close them last night. The sun hasn’t completely risen yet. It’s rising slowly and slowly as the sky keeps changing every few minutes. Dazai doesn’t move from his place, with his entire body tucked inside his blanket as he lies on his stomach where only his head is out, resting on the pillow. The sky turns from indigo to burgundy, splitting into shades of orange and yellow and pink. It keeps bursting into colours unimaginable and Dazai sighs. He wishes he could burst into something so beautiful one day.

It is only when the sky turns blue that Dazai shifts under the blanket, pulling his gaze away from the window. Just like any other day, he doesn’t want to get up. He doesn’t want to shower. He doesn’t want to eat. But, eventually, he has to. He sits up on his bed as the sunlight bathes half of his face. Even so, the warmth makes him smile just a bit before he gets off the bed. He pulls the blanket he had used and tries to fold it. 

It isn’t like he doesn’t know how to fold it. He’s an adult, of course, he can fold a blanket. But, there are days when he cannot do the most mundane and simplest of tasks. So, in turn, the blanket he had folded now looks worse than when he had used it. Dazai sighs and tucks it under his pillow. It looks folded now… if not seen carefully.

Stretching himself, he looks at Akutagawa and then at Atsushi. Everything is okay.

Brushing doesn’t take most of his time and he takes a quick shower before preparing coffee for himself. He doesn’t add that much sugar in it, preferring the bitter tinge in it a lot more. He doesn’t make breakfast. Not because he’s lazy… maybe also that, but mostly because he isn’t allowed in their kitchen. Atsushi-kun had officially banned him from doing anything in the kitchen because of the accident . Dazai wouldn’t call in an accident… per se. He just ended up burning the pan, the counter as well as the ceiling. 

Dazai sighs. He could have made a decent omelette if he tried.

When he hears the creaking of bed, he realises that someone must have woken up. He turns around the wall and peeks at the main room to see Chuuya sitting up on the bed, his hair all over the place with drool dripping down his chin.

Gross.

“What are you, the sun?” Chuuya mumbles with a frown as he sees Dazai. “Why the hell are you up so early?”

“Good morning to you too,” Dazai grins instead.

“Yeah, yeah,” Chuuya says before climbing down the bed.

Yawning, he walks towards the wall where Dazai had been standing and blinks. “I didn’t know there were more rooms.”

“There aren’t,” Dazai says before walking back towards the kitchen. “It’s just a tiny kitchen and a bit of resting space. We were thinking of buying a TV to fix here, though. That might make it a… room.”

Chuuya hums and follows him to the kitchen. As Dazai settles down on the couch tucked far towards the edge of the wall, Chuuya pours himself a cup of coffee, adding several spoons of sugar, and settles down beside him.

“Heard you learnt martial arts,” Dazai says, sipping his own, bitter coffee.

“Where did you hear it from?” Chuuya narrows his eyes.

“Sources,”

“Does that source happen to be Akutagawa?”

Dazai grins and Chuuya smirks. “I have learnt martial arts. And that means I can kick your ass any time I want.”

“Are you sure you can reach?”

“Hahh?” Chuuya yells before trying to punch Dazai… who had seen that coming and dodged pretty easily.

“My, my, Chuuya,” Dazai says before getting up. “Spare this innocent, weak boy. I am completely terrified of you~”

The face Chuuya makes is honestly hilarious and Dazai laughs at it. Chuuya huffs and looks away. 

Still snickering, Dazai keeps his mug on the sink and checks the time on his phone. “Oh. I have a class in fifteen minutes.”

Chuuya checks his own phone and mumbles, “me too.” His eyes narrow as he looks at Dazai. “Wait, what class do you have right now?”

“Astronomy.”

“SON OF A—”

Chapter Text

Before the white chrysanthemum

The scissors hesitate

A moment.

-Yosa Buson

It takes Chuuya about a week to get all of his things from his house shifted to the dorm and stuffed inside the common closet they all have to share. And it takes another week for him to settle down and get more comfortable with the new atmosphere. 

He has never parted with Ane-san before, especially with everything that had happened when they were just kids. Ane-san had always kept him at an arm’s length no matter what. So, it is natural that Chuuya would get homesick from time to time.

During those times, he’d call Ane-san and talk with her for hours. They never needed any elaborate topics to talk about. Ane-san would ask about the college and his dorm and if he has made friends yet. Chuuya would talk about his new friend, Atsushi and how he had met Akutagawa again, someone even Ane-san recognises from their time in high school. Then, Chuuya would talk about Dazai. It is mostly just Chuuya ranting about the guy and his annoying grin and how he always teases him and… well, the list is endless. 

It is one of these days when Chuuya realises how much he talks about Dazai when Ane-san ends up laughing during the call.

“Eh?” Chuuya asks at the interruption.

“Nothing,” Ane-san says and Chuuya can feel her smile from miles away. “You talk about this Dazai-kun quite a lot.”

“Yeah, because he’s annoying as hell and I’ve gotta deal with him twenty-four by seven,” Chuuya groans. “Besides, you’re my sister. It’s your duty to listen to me rant about him, so hush and hear me out.”

Really, though, why wouldn’t he talk about him? Dazai still annoys him all the time and he still keeps sitting with him during their classes. Chuuya doesn’t know why Dazai follows him around, pointing at everything and making fun of him whenever possible. It annoys Chuuya so much that he’s pretty sure he had even punched him in the face once. Unfortunately, it had only resulted in Dazai wrapping a new set of bandages around one of his eyes as he continued to grin at him before teasing him yet again.

Even though Dazai pisses him off on a daily basis, something Chuuya can’t help but notice eventually is how quiet Dazai turns in the dorm after school. It’s not like his personality changes drastically when he’s back inside. He still tries to annoy him, either by kicking the bed above him or tugging the longer portion of his hair. But, somehow, Chuuya feels as if Dazai spends most of his time, not by talking, but just… thinking.

It first happens during a sunset. Chuuya happens to be sitting near the window, gazing out at the orange sky. He clicks several pictures to send to Ane-san. He sees Atsushi hovering over Akutagawa, poking him only to have Akutagawa glare at him. Dazai, on the other hand, is sitting beside him, gazing at the same sunset from the window.

“Everything I touch with tenderness, alas,” Dazai whispers, “pricks like a bramble.”

Chuuya realises that he’s perhaps the only one who had heard it. He turns his face slowly to look at Dazai who has the softest of gazes at the window.

“Dazai?”

“Kobayashi Issa,” Dazai says.

“It’s a haiku...”

“It is.”

Chuuya turns to face him more clearly. “Why suddenly?”

“I don’t know,” Dazai smiles. “Just an… epiphany.”

Chuuya no longer looks at the sunset.

The next time it happens is near the same window, but perhaps during a different circumstance and a different night.

Chuuya wakes up, not quite remembering what he had been dreaming of. He turns his body to face the other way. As his eyes begin to close again, he notices a black figure near the window. When he opens his eyes and looks more carefully, he realises that it is Dazai, looking at the dark sky. Chuuya turns his phone on and checks the time.

4:00 a.m.

Chuuya groans. There is a limit when it comes to being a ‘morning person’. Chuuya removes his blanket and climbs down the bed, hoping that he doesn’t wake anyone else up. 

He stands behind Dazai and before he can say anything, Dazai speaks. “It snows violently. I am hugged,” his voice lowers, “and choked.”

Chuuya gazes at the window. There is no snow.

“Dazai?” he says.

“Hashimoto Takako.”

“Hashimoto,” Chuuya repeats. “A haiku.”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Chuuya doesn’t reply.

It is beautiful. Chuuya knows that. He has read this particular poem so many times, he has lost count. Even so, he doesn’t think he can quote it like that with no prompt. He doesn’t think he ever needed to quote that poem. He doesn’t think anybody ever does.

“What are you doing, Dazai?” he asks instead.

“Waiting for the sun to rise.”

“How long have you been sitting here?” Chuuya asks.

“Not long.”

And Chuuya knows a lie when he hears one. Perhaps Dazai realises that which is why he grins, making space for Chuuya to sit.

“It’s way too early, moron,” Chuuya says, yawning against his palm.

“It is,” Dazai says, leaving the space yet vacant.

Chuuya sits down, eventually, looking out the window to find a dark sky. “Do you like watching the sun?”

“Sometimes,” Dazai says. “Sometimes I absolutely hate it.”

“Why so?”

A few seconds pass when Dazai finally speaks. “It rises every day and then sets. Then, it rises again the next day as if that’s its only purpose. To set only to rise,” Dazai sighs. “It’s as if it isn’t exhausting at all to rise up again just to fall back at the end of the day. I hate it. I hate that it has the guts to rise again. I hate that it bears the exhaustion of rising just to keep falling over and over again.”

Chuuya doesn’t know what to say. Dazai doesn’t wait for a response.

But, for the first time, instead of wanting to rant about him, Chuuya wants to understand Dazai.

Chapter Text

Lighting one candle

With another candle--

Spring evening.

-Yosa Buson

Dazai had not been informed of this.

The entire class groans as the professor passes the question papers. Dazai lets out a deep, long, dramatic sigh and looks at Chuuya sitting beside him. Not seeming to waver at the sudden announcement about the test, Chuuya simply sits there waiting for the paper to come to him.

Dazai raises a brow. “Have you studied for it or something?”

“As a matter of fact, I have,” Chuuya says proudly.

“Aww,” Dazai grins, “I thought you were a delinquent.”

That makes Chuuya lose his composure, just for a second. “No, I am not!”

“That’s not what Akutagawa-kun told me.”

Chuuya clears his throat before taking the paper he is handed and passes the stack to Dazai who also picks one and gives it to the student behind him. “I, well, I used to be a delinquent. Now, I’m going to study and get good grades,” Chuuya side-glances Dazai. “Unlike you.”

Dazai laughs and skims through the question paper.

He smirks. “Wanna compete?”

Chuuya grins. “Of course.”

“BUT YOU DIDN’T STUDY AT ALL!” Chuuya screams at Dazai who pretty nicely covers his ears.

“I didn’t.”

“Then,” Chuuya stands up and slams his fist against the table, on Dazai’s answer sheet, “how do you explain this?”

Dazai shrugs and Chuuya slams his fist again. “There is no way in hell that you got more than me in Astronomy! Did you fucking cheat?”

Dazai gasps. “How can you accuse me of that, Chibi-chan? I would never do such a thing.”

Dazai swings his arm over his head, dramatically posing just to make Chuuya more furious. The thing with annoying the little slug is that it’s just so easy to light his fuse. Anything and everything gets a violent reaction out of him and sometimes it’s just funny to see the amount of anger such a tiny body can hold. Mostly, it just makes him laugh and even if it’s just for a while, it makes him a bit happy.

Sometimes, Dazai feels like Chuuya knows that.

… or he’s just too dense.

It’s when the professor yells at them about something in the lines of class decorum that Dazai realises just how loud Chuuya is. The entire class has their eyes on them and a few of them are even recording it. That makes Dazai smile wider.

“Don’t lie to me, you little shit,” Chuuya yells, pointing at him. “Either you cheated or you lied about not studying for it!”

“Chuuya~” Dazai sighs. “I can’t believe that you have so little faith in me. When have I ever lied?”

“YOU LITERALLY DID A FEW MINUTES AGO ABOUT MY MISSING SHOE, YOU FUCK!”

“Ahhh,” Dazai sings, “that was just me teasing you~” he brings his hand to his chest, “It is my love that I’m showing you Chuuya~”

“YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR LOVE UP YOUR OWN PATHETIC—”

They’re kicked out of the class.

… gracefully , Dazai would like to add.

Dazai wholeheartedly blames Chuuya for that. If he weren’t that loud, spewing out curses for everything, they probably wouldn’t have been kicked out. Dazai sighs and leans against the wall. 

He gazes at the ceiling. The same ceiling he has seen innumerable times in the two years he had been there. It is bent like an arc with no door which leads to the open ground outside. Dazai doesn’t dream of hanging himself there. For the first time, he has an urge to paint it. 

It’s a weird thought, he knows. But, the wall is so dull. The red bricks have turned brown, chipping and cracking from everywhere. There is grime sticking in the corners that nobody bothers to clean and the floor tiles are no longer shining under the minimal light that enters the corridor. There are no lights fixed on the ceiling, the only source being the natural light from outside. It all looks so… brown.

And Dazai doesn’t like brown that much. But, he looks down and he can see the brown pants he had been wearing and he’s suddenly aware of the dull colour of his hair. If he curled himself against the walls or the corners, he might merge really well with his surroundings… invisible to the world otherwise.

He forces his gaze away from those walls and looks at Chuuya. Even as he tries to peep inside the classroom from the tiny crack of the door and makes a ridiculous face as he tries to hear the activity inside, he just stands out against the dull walls. His bright, orange hair rages like himself against the brown bricks. His electric eyes bring out so much light that nothing looks somber anymore. Instead of blending in, he stands out from all the dullness that surrounds him.

For once, Dazai feels so jealous. He feels so jealous of how blinding he is.

And he feels so jealous that he ends up clicking his tongue in annoyance, unknowingly.

“Why are you annoyed?” Chuuya asks, frowning at him.

“You got us kicked out.”

“You made me angry!”

“Not a good excuse.”

“Well, then it’s great that I was never looking for your opinion in the first place.”

Dazai rolls his eyes and looks away.

“Don’t you dare sass me, you Mackerel,” Chuuya snarls. “God, you’re so annoying!”

Dazai frowns. He turns to retort, only to be interrupted by the professor slamming the door open.

“Can you two stop bickering!” he yells. “I kicked you out for a reason!”

They walk in silence along the empty corridors of the second floor. There’s a library near the stairs which explains the pitch silence of the halls. Dazai takes a peek inside.

There are a few students that he can merely count on his fingers. All of them are settled inside in a certain discipline. It bothers Dazai, if he were to be honest, yet he kind of hopes he can go inside and read something.

There’s a tug on his sleeve that makes him turn. Chuuya, who isn’t looking at him, has a tight grip on the blue cloth of his sleeve, Dazai notices.

“I—” Chuuya exhales and finally looks up, “I’m sorry.”

Dazai blinks and Chuuya sighs. “I got us kicked out of the class. Then, I argued with you yet again… for some reason and then we got yelled at again because of me. I’m sorry.”

Dazai blinks yet again. Chuuya doesn’t look at him. Instead, his gaze is fixed on the floor. But, his grip from his sleeve doesn’t move. It makes Dazai smile, which eventually turns into a full-fledged grin.

When Chuuya looks up and sees his face, his hand moves away and he frowns and looks away.

“Let’s go to the library,” Dazai says.

“What? What for?”

“Usually people read in libraries, Chuuya,” Dazai says with a serious look.

“I know that, idiot,” Chuuya says. “What are we going to do in there?”

“Read?” Dazai shrugs.

He doesn’t wait for Chuuya’s reply and enters the room. He walks towards the fiction section, tracing the wooden shelves with his finger. He hears shuffling behind him and chuckles inwardly. He pulls out a random book and hands it to Chuuya who hesitates before taking it. Then, Dazai skims through the shelves to find something he hadn’t read yet and smiles when he sees a particularly new cover. 

When they settle down near a shared table, Chuuya lets out a groan, making Dazai look up. “You look terrible.”

“Well, fuck you too—”

Dazai shushes him and grins. “We’re in a library.”

“You brought me here on purpose, you little fuck,” Chuuya whispers aggressively.

Dazai shrugs, opening his book. That’s when he notices Chuuya bouncing his leg continuously under the table… pretty violently, Dazai might add. For a moment, it’s fine. People do that, heck he does it when he’s anxious. But, then it starts getting on his nerves and he closes his book shut.

The sound alarms Chuuya and he stares at Dazai. Dazai simply raises his brow and Chuuya groans again.

“I overheard the professor saying something about the required credits this semester.”

“And?”

“Well,” Chuuya sighs, “I knew I was less on them and decided to attend all the lectures. And the first thing I do is get myself kicked out of the class.”

Dazai laughs. “You’re such a disappointment.”

“Shut up,” Chuuya groans with his head on the table.

Dazai laughs again and opens his book. He thinks he can read it now since the leg bouncing has stopped. But, it is still distracting to see Chuuya shift his head to the left and then to the right as if he is kneading himself on the table in his misery.

Dazai sighs. “Well, there is an… extra credit opportunity—”

That makes Chuuya lift his head up with wide eyes.

“—worth like five points or so if a student goes to the local Star Party that’s coming up.”

Chuuya’s eyes widen further… if that is possible. “When is it?”

“In two months.”

“Where?”

“I’ll have to check.”

Dazai turns the page on his book to the next chapter. He wants to read. Of course, he does. But, it’s kind of hard to read when you feel two eyes boring your skull in the intensity of a laser beam. Dazai shifts his gaze at Chuuya who is staring at him with eyes wide as ever.

“I’ll take you there,” Dazai ends up saying, making Chuuya grin and open the book Dazai had handed him.

No, Dazai doesn’t know why he had said that. But, perhaps going for it isn’t such a bad idea since he can also bag some extra credits while he’s at it. Besides, he can also annoy Chuuya even more, so he counts it as an overall win.

Dazai finally, finally continues reading the book now. Silence surrounds the room once again as he flips to the next page. The slow sounds of turning pages beside him are the only way Dazai knows that Chuuya is reading as well. 

The book that Dazai is reading is a book he has only heard of but never read. As he dives deeper and deeper into the story, he realises the complexities of it and how detailed the characters are. He can see the different mannerisms and personalities that they show, and he can’t help but wonder if humans really are that complex? 

It is one of the reasons that Dazai had taken Psychology as his major; to be able to understand what makes one a human. To learn the many ways a human can be a human. Is it the body that makes someone a human? No, it must be the mind.

But, what disappoints him the most is that he never got the answer in so many years that he had been studying the subject. There isn’t a paragraph on what a human is that satisfies him. There isn’t a paragraph or so much as a single line that can assure Dazai that he is, too, a human, worthy of human things…

Deeply engrossed in the book, Dazai barely hears the group of students that settle a few seats away from him. It is when one of them speaks that it catches Dazai’s attention.

“Hear me out, hear me out,” the boy whispers to his friend. “So, you remember that guy, right? The one with white hair?”

“Yeah, the newbie.”

“That one,” the guy snickers. “What was his name again, Sushi?”

The other boy laughs soundlessly. “More or less.”

Dazai stops reading the book, but his eyes stay there as he tries to catch more of what they’re saying. He knows that he isn’t imagining the way Chuuya stiffens beside him.

“Okay, so,” the guy starts speaking again, trying his best to not laugh, “I saw him walking near the fountain with that other guy. You know, that broody one?”

“Akutagawa?”

“I think so,” the guy hums. “Anyway, they were walking and talking… well, mostly arguing, but whatever. I was sitting on the fountain wall and when he came closer, I pulled my leg out.” He starts laughing as quietly as possible. “You should’ve seen the way he fell. Directly into the water, dude! It was funny as hell!”

The other guy starts laughing along. “Man, I wish I was there.”

“Yeah,” the guy keeps laughing, randomly turning a page in the book he had been holding. “You should’ve seen the death glare that emo guy was giving me.”

“Poor boy couldn’t protect his boyfriend, after all.” 

Both of them laugh amongst each other for a while, putting fists in their mouths to stop themselves from wheezing for air.

Dazai doesn’t look up. He whispers, “don’t,” instead and sighs inwardly in relief when Chuuya clicks his tongue and looks away. The last thing they need is a suspension because of an unsolicited fight. 

But, that isn’t to say that Dazai doesn’t feel anger boiling inside him. The grip on his book, he realises, had tightened unknowingly and he relaxes his fingers slowly. He knows Atsushi. He knows him too well. He wouldn’t tell this to anyone in hopes of peace. He would keep smiling when they go back as if nothing even occurred. He would say that it’s okay.

But, it is not okay. 

To make matters worse, the boy reveals something as he chats with his friend. Something that makes Chuuya almost stand up in anger if it isn’t for Dazai to pull him down before he can do so. Something that lights Dazai’s fuse terribly.

“The best prank was still the haircut, dude,” he whispers.

“What haircut?”

“I haven’t told you?” the guy wonders out loud and hums. “Well, you know the first week he came in, right? I kind of gave him a haircut.”

“Shit, really?” the guy gasps and then suddenly lowers his voice. “Is that why his hair is like that?”

The other guy laughs and nods his head and they both snicker together. 

The arm on the clock hits six and Dazai stands up. “Let’s go back to our dorm.”

It is a miracle, really, that Dazai didn’t do anything. It is even more of a miracle that Chuuya didn’t throw hands on them immediately… which he had been close to doing,

“Are we going to do nothing about it?” Chuuya asks as they walk to their dorm building. 

The sun is setting behind them slowly and Dazai can feel the anger emanating from the redhead. And the anger is so much that it keeps lighting Dazai even more.

“I didn’t say that,” he says and continues walking.

Chuuya doesn’t say anything else.

When the dorm room opens, the first thing Dazai sees is Atsushi sitting on a chair, drenched from everywhere as Akutagawa continuously rubs his head with a thick towel. He stops when he sees the duo, blinks at them and then continues. Putting his bag down in his bed, Dazai can’t help but notice the tight grip of Atsushi’s hand on Akutagawa’s shirt.

“What happened?” Chuuya asks.

Good , Dazai thinks. He doesn’t want Atsushi to know that they know just yet.

When Akutagawa opens his mouth to speak, he hesitates for a moment. Dazai knows that they’re trying to be subtle, but he notices Atsushi’s grip grow tighter.

“He tripped near the fountain,” Akutagawa chooses to say. “Fell into the water.”

“You should be more careful, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai smiles and Atsushi nods, his face hidden by the towel.

Akutagawa continues to rub his hair and then pulls the towel away. Atsushi isn’t crying, unlike how Dazai had believed him to be. Despite what had happened, Atsushi doesn’t seem even a bit dispirited. 

He grins at them, instead. “Sorry, I’ll go change.”

He thanks Akutagawa who hums a bit before picking his spare clothes and walking to the bathroom joined to the wall. As soon as the door closes, Dazai faces Akutagawa and grins.

“You’re being awfully sweet with Atsushi-kun,” he says.

Akutagawa turns and blinks at him blankly. “What?”

“Drying his head for him and everything,” Dazai smiles. “It’s very unlike you, Akutagawa-kun.”

“That’s not—” Akutagawa’s ears turn pink. “I was just helping.”

Dazai grins again and Akutagawa coughs and turns away. 

“More importantly,” Chuuya says, sitting beside Dazai, “what really happened with Atsushi?”

Akutagawa doesn’t face them, but Dazai can see the way his shoulders tighten. “He tripped.”

“Akutagawa,”

“I’m not lying.”

Chuuya sighs. “Well, yeah, you aren’t lying, I know that. But, you aren’t telling us everything.”

Akutagawa turns this time, but the stoic look on his face doesn’t waver. 

Dazai doesn’t try to get things out of him. He knows that Akutagawa, of all people, would never lie. People call it idealism (by people, he means Kunikida-kun). A belief system they follow till death. Ideals drive people. And everyone has them. There are people that say they don’t have ideals, that they don’t believe in idealism, but somewhere deep down, they follow something wholeheartedly without hesitation. Inadvertently, people are idealistic on their own terms.

Dazai, although, still doesn’t get idealism.

There isn’t one way to do things. He believes that there are several ways that one can use to get things done. Ideals bind people down like chains. There are always going to be situations where one questions their morality. There are always going to be situations where simply choosing to follow one’s ideals isn’t going to solve the problem. For that sole reason, Dazai doesn’t believe in such a system. Dazai doesn’t have a set of ideals. When a situation comes, he chooses to do whatever sounds the best to him. In the end, having heavy sets of ideals and unrealistic expectations over your head sounds like the most cumbersome thing to him. 

But, Dazai realises just the same that this thought doesn’t hold for everybody.

“We know what happened,” he says and Akutagawa’s eyes widen just a bit.

Before Akutaagawa can say anything, Dazai hears the bathroom door open. There is a tiny moan and shuffling of feet which further makes Dazai glance.

“Aku—ta—gawa,” Atsushi says, his hand near his forehead.

Akutagawa and Chuuya turn too. Atsushi looks up and removes his hand slowly. Red fluid trickles down his head, lining his cheek and dripping down his chin. He walks towards them, stumbling over his own feet. Thankfully, Akutagawa catches him in time.

“Jinko!” He guides him towards his bed and makes him sit.

“Gah!” Chuuya moves closer to lift Atsushi’s bangs. “The bleeding is way too much. Do you think the clinic would be open?”

The question isn’t particularly directed to anybody, but Dazai decides to respond. “It should be.”

“I’ll go check,” Chuuya says and without waiting for a reply, dashes out the door.

Dazai kneels and checks the wound for himself. The cut isn’t deep, but it’s prominent. There is a purple tinge around it. That can’t be good. Dazai bites his lip and gets up, walking towards his own bed. 

Under the bed, he has his own set of bandages. Since he wraps a new one almost every day, keeping a few rolls right where he has easy access is expected. He usually prefers not to take a roll during the daytime. Night is the time when it truly is of use, so keeping a stash under his bed is pretty handy. 

He picks out a roll and opens it. Settling back down on the floor, he unbinds the roll and wraps Atsushi’s forehead tightly. It should sustain for a few minutes, at least, Dazai thinks and sighs.

“Atsushi-kun,” he says slowly, “are you feeling okay?”

“I’m—dizzy.”

“That’s probably because of the blood loss. Don’t worry, we’ll take you to the clinic.”

Atsushi doesn’t say anything. He looks down, instead, at his own red hand. Akutagawa swats it away. “Don’t look, idiot!”

“Sorry,”

When Chuuya finally enters the room, panting and huffing, he shows a thumbs-up, unable to speak just yet. They each help Atsushi stand and follow Chuuya down the stairs, towards the clinic.

They enter the room and the nurse immediately makes Atsushi sit on one of the beds. She asks them what had happened and they tell the same thing again; he tripped near the fountain. She nods and places a stool, opening her set of bandages and scissors and checks the wound.

She cleans the wound slowly and checks it with utmost precision. She uses a lot of cotton and antiseptic and somehow makes the blood stop. It is a wondrous feat, really, Dazai thinks, because it is really hard to stop the flow. Wounds are something that cannot be treated without care. And it takes up a lot of training for any pair of nimble hands to become soft towards wounds. It takes effort to care. It takes effort to heal.

And it makes Dazai wonder, how long would it take for people like him just to be able to tend to themselves this gently?

Letting out a breath, Chuuya walks away, towards the window. Akutagawa stays right beside Atsushi and even lets him squeeze his hand. 

It takes time to accept certain things too, doesn’t it? Dazai thinks and chuckles inwardly.

He turns and walks towards the window too, stopping right beside Chuuya.

“I’m going to kill those bastards,” Chuuya mumbles with his eyes fixed somewhere outside.

Dazai looks at him and smiles. “Need a partner?”

Chuuya smirks. “Of course.”

Chapter Text

Burning fallen leaves,

The warm autumn day is

Defined.

-Takahama Kyoshi

“What exactly are we going to do?” 

Chuuya hops over a random stone, following Dazai as he walks towards the Psychology building.

“I haven’t decided yet,” Dazai says, adjusting his bag.

“You said you had a plan!” Chuuya spreads his arm for emphasis. “That’s why I’ve been following you around for a while.”

“Well, my plan was to wing it.”

“We’re absolutely not winging it!”

They don’t wing it, in the end… which is good. Chuuya prefers that way. But, there isn’t a plan in hand yet. Picking fights and taking revenge comes natural to him if he were to admit. During his entire time in high school, he had been a… well, he doesn’t like the word, but a delinquent. He doesn’t even remember the number of students he had beaten up or the number of times he had been suspended in those three years. And yes, he had initially promised himself that he would not be getting in any trouble while he’s in college. But, the thing is that he cannot handle bullies. He doesn’t think bullying someone makes anyone strong. In fact, it is a terrible way of asserting oneself over others. 

So, when he heard that his own friend is being bullied so badly, he can’t help but feel the need to take action. Even though Chuuya hates to admit it, the thought of kicking their asses makes him feel somewhat nostalgic. 

Chuuya sighs as they enter the building. “We don’t even know their names or what classes they attend.”

“I don’t know their names,” Dazai says, placing a finger near his chin, “but I do know one of their classes.”

“Which one?”

“The one who did it.”

Chuuya’s eyes narrow. “How do you know?”

Dazai grins before entering the class. Chuuya groans and follows him. He hates it when Dazai does that; this thing where he builds up suspense for absolutely no reason.

The professor enters right on time and the class starts without any delay. Chuuya scans the entire room, just in case, but doesn’t spot any of the two guys. Sighing, he tries to focus on the lecture.

When the lecture is finally over, Chuuya checks the time. They have another hour for the next class. Dazai takes that as an opportunity and starts walking out of the building to the gate.

“Where are you going?” Chuuya asks as he catches up.

“Computer Science,” is all that Dazai says.

The building for Computer Science is right in front of this building. Neither of them had taken up Computer, but it isn’t like they aren’t allowed to enter the premises. Even so, it feels weird to just waltz inside the gates and walk as if the building is more than familiar to them when it is the opposite that is more fitting. 

But, Dazai walks inside the building with confidence, seemingly with no fear of being caught. Chuuya has no choice but to imitate that.

“Dazai, seriously, what’s the plan?” he whispers aggressively. It’s surprising that Dazai hears it well enough through the commotion. 

It takes just a few seconds for all the students to disappear from the corridor. They had, perhaps, all gone to their respective classes in the building, Chuuya assumes. Through the empty corridor, just one other student walks. No, he isn’t walking; it’s more like he is speed walking. Clutching his bag, he hurries along the way and Chuuya’s eyes widen when he realises that it is the very same guy they had been looking for.

“The plan for now,” Dazai speaks low, “is to trip him.”

Chuuya blinks. “What? That’s all we’re going to do?”

“Nope,” Dazai smirks. “This is just the beginning.”

“Gosh, I’m so sorry!”

Chuuya mentally smacks his own forehead. Dazai, being the pretentious fuck he is, kneels and picks the books up as the guy rubs his head, apologising to him over and over again.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly.

“Yeah,” the guy says, “don’t bother.”

Dazai hands him his books and the guy checks the time. “Shit, I’m late.”

Dazai frowns. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you. Gosh, I feel so guilty.”

“It’s fine,” the guy waves and starts walking away again.

He leaves in a hurry, starting to even run towards his class. Dazai turns and his frown deepens just for a moment. “What an ass.”

“You don’t say,” Chuuya snickers. “What next?”

Dazai brushes his clothes and smiles. “Now, we follow him.”

“This is so stupid,” Chuuya whispers aggressively as they peek through the tiny gap of the door of the classroom.

“You’ll thank me later,” Dazai whispers back with a grin.

“I hardly see that happeni—”

Dazai shushes him. “Look, my plan is working perfectly.”

Frowning, Chuuya asks, “how so?”

Dazai grins at that. “In the lab, there is one single computer that doesn’t give access to all the apps and sites. And the one he’s sitting at is that very same one.”

Chuuya blinks. “How do you know that?”

“Any student is allowed to use the computers if they have an account.”

“And you have an account?”

“No,” Dazai smiles innocently, “I use Ango’s. Sometimes I just use the override on the pen-drive he gave me.”

Chuuya sighs and places his hand on his forehead. “I have so many questions.”

“I don’t have time to answer them, so keep it in.”

Clicking his tongue in annoyance, Chuuya looks back at the room where the guy keeps trying to click something on the screen, but it doesn’t budge. He tries closing the computer and rebooting it, which also doesn’t seem to work. Chuuya doesn’t know what benefit it could possibly give them. He knows for a fact that they look like idiots, peeping inside the classroom to stalk a guy whose computer doesn’t work.

“I have a serious question, Dazai,” Chuuya finally says.

Dazai sighs. “What?”

“How did you know his subject?”

Dazai smirks as if he had been waiting for the question. “The only class that had been going on before our Psychology class was Computer Science. I have the schedules memorised because of Akutagawa-kun and Atsushi-kun’s timetables.”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything. Dazai continues speaking. “Also since he had been near the fountain at the same time Akutagawa-kun and Atsushi-kun were there should mean that he had just gotten out of this building and entered the other gate. After the whole incident, he would have had sufficient time to run all the way up to the library where he knew his friend would be sitting,” his smirk widens. “The only building closest to the main gate is this one.”

Chuuya’s mouth opens and then closes abruptly. That was brilliant.

He clamps his mouth tighter. No matter what happens, he would never say that to Dazai. He shakes his head and looks back at the class. Time is fleeting and they probably have another half an hour or so at the most.

The class gets over quicker than Chuuya had thought and they lean against the wall as the professor completely ignores their presence and leaves the class. 

“Come on,” Dazai says and enters the class without waiting for Chuuya.

Chuuya completely hates it when Dazai does that. It’s as if he expects everybody to simply understand whatever crap is going on in his mind and follow up in no time. It doesn’t work that way and Dazai doesn’t even try to understand that. Even so, it’s not like Chuuya has a choice, so he hurries to catch up with him as Dazai walks towards the guy clicking on his desktop incredulously. 

“Oh, hi,” Dazai says, grabbing the guy’s attention immediately.

“Oh,” the guy says, his eyes wide, “it’s you.”

“Yeah,” Dazai smiles. “I hope you got to your class in time?”

“Barely,” he laughs. “But I managed.”

“Good, good.”

He turns back at his computer and bites his lip. “Can you please work already?”

“Is it not working?” Dazai asks with the most innocent look his face can muster.

It makes Chuuya want to barf and laugh at the same time. Self-control was never Chuuya’s strong point, but he tries his best.

“No,” the guy sighs. “I don’t know why.”

“Can I?” Dazai offers and walks towards the monitor.

His hand barely brushes the monitor but Chuuya notices the tiny pen drive that he fixes on one of the ports. The other guy, although, doesn’t seem to have noticed it. The guy sighs and gets up, letting Dazai sit on his chair.

“I’ve got nothing else to lose,” he says and Dazai laughs.

He goes to the File Manager and clicks on random things. He opens files and folders that Chuuya has never even heard of. Frowning, he keeps looking at the different places Dazai’s mouse goes and scrolls. Chuuya has never really been good at tech-related things, but he knows as much as is required of him. 

“Not a talker?” the guy asks suddenly and Chuuya’s eyes fall on him.

Before Chuuya can speak, Dazai interrupts. “Oh, he speaks alright. When he starts speaking, it doesn’t stop.”

“Hah?” Chuuya says. “You talking about me or your fucking self, fucker?”

Dazai smirks and looks back just for a second. “Told ya.”

The guy snickers and Chuuya looks away. Great. Now, Dazai is a bully’s accomplice and they’re bullying him together. Fucking fantastic.

Dazai clicks on a few more things and then a few pages open up with large amounts of code. He wastes no time and starts typing things on it and entering the code at certain intervals of time. Then, he waits for a few seconds as a new code forms itself below his own and then starts typing again. All in all, it gives Chuuya a headache.

He realises that the other guy probably feels the same when he says that he’s going to drink some water and that he’ll be right back.

The moment he is gone, Chuuya bends closer to Dazai. “Do you actually have a clue of what you’re writing or am I seriously dumb?”

“Chibi-chan,” Dazai says as his typing doesn’t stop, “I have absolutely no idea what I’m writing. Ango-kun taught me this incredible method and I can literally write anything and it’ll still work,” he pauses and clicks enter. “Also, yeah, you are dumb.”

Dodging a punch easily, Dazai snickers and continues typing. “I’m just showing off Chuuya. I opened a random typing medium and started smashing the keyboard. Now, he’ll think I’m doing him a huge favour.”

“Wow,” Chuuya says deadpan as the guy enters the room.

Dazai immediately clicks enter and closes the page. He clicks on an icon that hadn’t been working initially and it opens easily. The guy gasps and moves closer to the computer.

“It worked!” he laughs. “This is great! I just have to log in and save my work.”

Dazai smiles and gets up as the guy replaces him and starts clicking on the screen. Dazai glances back subtly at Chuuya and winks. It makes Chuuya frown and he looks back at the screen as the guy presses save and lets out a deep breath.

“Thank you so much, man,” he says. “I owe you big time.”

“It’s nothing.” Dazai smiles.

“Ah, I forgot to ask,” the guy turns. “What’s your name?”

Dazai smiles wider. “I am Dazai. Osamu Dazai. And this,” he points at Chuuya, “is Chibi-chan.”

This time, Chuuya’s kick hits the target’s ankle perfectly. “Nakahara Chuuya.”

Clutching his leg, the fucker has the audacity to laugh, which makes the guy laugh too. “I am Hitoshi.” he stands up. “Do you code a lot?”

“Sometimes.” Dazai shrugs.

“Well, I’ll tell you a secret,” the guy grins, “I don’t know a thing about them. I thought it’d be fun to take up computers but guess I was wrong.”

Dazai blinks and breaks into a smile. Chuuya’s eyes widen a fraction. He can swear that Dazai had definitely glanced at him for a mere second before turning back to the monitor.

“Maybe you should reconsider your major then,” he says and points at the screen. “If you need anything, opening the file manager would be your best option. You can find anything you want in it as long as your account is saved.”

The guy nods. “Maybe I should reconsider,” he shrugs and smiles. “Thanks anyway. I gotta go, now.”

He picks his bag and walks towards the door, waving at both of them. Dazai rushes to keep up with him and yells, “Well, I’ve got a class. Chibi-chan, don’t you have some work to do here?”

Chuuya stares at him as he saunters away with the guy. His mouth opens and then closes. What in the hell is he supposed to do?

Tech is seriously not his strong point and understanding Dazai’s cryptics is also not something he thinks he’s great at. Chuuya clicks his tongue in annoyance. Why does Dazai feel like he can just understand everything he tries to say? It isn’t like anybody’s stopping him from being straightforward once in a while. Now that he thinks about it, Dazai is never straightforward with anybody. There is always something hidden between his words or phrases. Perhaps he doesn’t like being to the point. Perhaps he likes being a little cryptic in his words. Or perhaps he’s too afraid to say things out the way they are.

Or perhaps Chuuya is thinking too deeply about it.

Even so, Dazai is the one who left him alone in a room to solve things on his own without a clue, so it is his fault.

Wait, a clue?

Chuuya sits down on the chair and thinks back to everything Dazai had spoken before leaving.

Maybe you should reconsider your major then. If you need anything, opening the file manager would be your best option. You can find anything you want in it as long as your account is saved.

Reconsider your major.

Reconsider.

Recon?

Chuuya’s eyes widen and he bangs his hands on the table. “I got it!”

Thankfully, no one is near the classroom and so nobody hears. Chuuya gets it now. Dazai wants him to do a recon while he distracts the guy. In fact, he even gave him a full guide on how to do so.

“You brilliant bastard,” Chuuya mumbles.

But then, another problem arises. Dazai had said that he can have access to anything through the file manager as long as the account is saved. Chuuya is pretty sure that the guy had logged off before leaving.

He bites his lip and looks up at the monitor. The pen drive is still there.

Override, Chuuya grins. Of course.

He opens the file manager and proceeds through all the steps slowly. There is an urge in him to throw his hands back and yell out when he finally gets access to Hitoshi’s account through the pen drive. With an inadvertent smile on his face, he checks through the files on his name and finally gets what he had been searching for. He clicks the pictures of the screen through his phone and quickly closes everything, pulling the pen drive out and shutting the monitor off.

He has two timetables on his phone; one is of Hitoshi and the other is his own. Chuuya checks his watch that says that he has about two minutes till his Astronomy class starts. He rushes out of the gates and reaches the building with barely a minute to spare. Surprisingly, Dazai is waiting outside the building for him, calmly leaning against the wall behind him.

“What are you doing here?” Chuuya rasps and throws the pen drive at him, then immediately balances himself against the wall for support.

“Oh,” Dazai simply says, catching the drive with ease. “I thought you knew by now that we share Astronomy together.”

Chuuya does not have the strength to strangle him right now, so he lets it pass.

“Did you get it?” Dazai grins.

“Yeah.”

“Great,” he says before turning to move towards the class. “I knew you were reliable enough, Chibi.”

Okay, fuck his energy level, Chuuya will definitely kill him.

The class gets over after two hours, which is perfect because according to the timetable Chuuya had taken, Hitoshi has a break for another half an hour. Who is to say that he wouldn’t be near the fountain again? After packing their bags, both Dazai and Chuuya head out of the building. Before he can cross the gates, Chuuya is stopped.

“Hitoshi would be near the fountain right now,” Dazai says.

“I know that, dumbass.”

“Take him to the classroom on the left of where he would be standing,” Dazai says, ignoring Chuuya. “I’ll join you in a while.”

“That’s… oddly specific.”

“Trust me?” Dazai smiles.

It isn’t one of his cocky, know-it-all grins. It looks so genuine as if he really wants Chuuya to trust him this time. Chuuya ends up sighing.

“I’ll wait for ten minutes for you,” he says before walking out the gates.

“More than enough!” Dazai yells.

Chuuya walks to the main building where Hitoshi is supposed to be. Tugging on his bag, he enters the gates and looks around. There aren’t a lot of students around, but the few ones that are there walk around, wanting to meet their friends from other classes. It’s evening, after all, a great time to forget about everything as the sun starts to set. Chuuya loves watching sunsets. Yet, every time he does, he is reminded of Dazai words.

Everything I touch with tenderness, alas, pricks like a bramble.

It makes him think. Dazai makes him think.

Even if he weren’t a Psychology major, Chuuya would still understand the fact that the words people let spill out of their mouths mean something, whether they said it willingly or accidentally. To say something so beautiful yet so sad, must mean something.

Chuuya shakes his head. He cannot think about that right now. He looks at the fountain and finds Hitoshi sitting on the arc as if waiting for someone. Chuuya is about to walk towards him when he notices someone else.

Akutagawa walks in the same direction, perhaps towards the dorms. Akutagawa isn’t the kind of person to sit down and relax and watch the sunset of all things. He’s the kind of guy who goes back to his room straight after his class and reads a book. 

Akutagawa, who initially had been looking down, looks up briefly and sees Hitoshi. He frowns as the guy grins and stands up, blocking his way.

He says something Chuuya cannot hear. He doesn’t expect Akutagawa to back away and he doesn’t. If Chuuya were to guess, he’d say that Akutagawa would ask him to move out of the way, as directly as possible. But, Chuuya also knows that the guy won’t budge.

Running towards him, Chuuya trips over a stone, regains himself and reaches just in time before Hitoshi can do something like push Akutagawa over the fountain.

“What are you doing here?” Hitoshi asks when he sees Chuuya huffing right behind Akutagawa.

Akutagawa turns at that and his eyes widen. “Chuuya-san?”

Chuuya stands up straighter and points at Hitoshi. “Come with me.”

The guy raises his brow. “Where?”

Chuuya rolls his eyes and starts pushing him towards the building surrounding them. “I just want to have a chat.” he looks back at Akutagawa and grins, giving him a reassuring wink.

“But, Chuuya-san—” Akutagawa starts, only to be stopped by Chuuya.

He knows. He knows that Akutagawa would want to stop him from throwing hands on his bullies again. But, Chuuya isn’t going to stop. For his kouhais, he would do it.

“Go back to your room, Akutagawa,” Chuuya says, pushing Hitoshi towards the class Dazai was talking about.

“Where? What?” the guy asks and Chuuya shushes him.

The class is at the corner of the corridor. They keep walking, Hitoshi a little hesitant about it. It only takes a mere second for Chuuya to notice the other guy they had seen in the library, standing a little farther from the fountain. He sees Akutagawa again, but his arm is raised parallel to the ground. That’s when Chuuya notices Atsushi standing right behind his arm, a bandage still looped around his head.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Chuuya says before pushing Hitoshi in the new direction.

The other guy grins and moves closer to the duo, neither of whom back away. Although, Atsushi’s hand holds Akutagawa’s shirt tightly as if he wants to back away. As if he knows something Akutagawa doesn’t. 

Atsushi isn’t actually as cowardly as people believe him to be. Just because he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t mean he has given up. Atsushi is a stubborn kid, Chuuya knows that. There had been times when he had saved Akutagawa and pulled him out of a mess. Chuuya had seen that numerous times. But, right now, even Atsushi looks scared. It makes Chuuya quicken his pace; something is definitely wrong.

Right before Chuuya can reach, Akutagawa grabs Atsushi’s hand and starts leaving, speaking something in the lines of “leave him alone.”

The guy grins and is about to move closer to them, but thankfully Chuuya reaches right on time. Akutagawa and Atsushi stop, and Atsushi lets out a long breath.

Chuuya isn’t great at lip-reading, but he’s dead sure that Atsushi had whispered something to Akutagawa.

He has a knife.

The guy is quick enough to show Chuuya the knife he is holding as if threatening him from making a move. It only makes Chuuya grin.

He is well accustomed to fighting people with weapons, especially something as puny as a knife. It doesn’t take him even a few seconds to move behind the guy, grabbing the knife in the process and placing it at the small of his back. The guy only glances back and Chuuya sees the sheer horror on his face which satisfies him even more.

“Move,” he says and both the guys start moving wherever Chuuya orders them to.

They step on the corridor and Chuuya makes sure that Akutagawa and Atsushi have left. Then, he makes them walk into the empty classroom and keeps the knife pointing at one of them. Where the hell is Dazai? He said he’d be there.

With his patience wearing thin, Chuuya checks his watch. Fifteen minutes have passed and Dazai is nowhere near. It makes Chuuya frown.

“If you’re here to beat us or some shit, then you’re making a mistake,” one of the guys laughs.

Chuuya raises his brow and the guy laughs even more. “Do you really think you can handle the two of us? Have you seen yourself?”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything and rolls his eyes. He’s used to those insults.

“Besides,” Hitoshi says, “if you think you can hurt us with the knife, what makes you think that we won’t go talk to a professor about it? You will be suspended, or worse, removed from the campus.”

Chuuya sighs. “I’m aware of the consequences.” he grins. “The consequences that’ll only occur if you tell anyone about this.”

“What makes you think we won’t?” the guy scoffs. “Nothing will work, you know.”

Chuuya grins wider.

Maybe he doesn’t need to wait for Dazai for this, after all. 

Chapter Text

At dawn

The homeless cat, too

Cries for love.

-Kobayashi Issa

Dazai closes his book on page one hundred and twenty-one. He doesn’t use bookmarks that lot. He’ll stuff anything flat that he finds inside the pages as a mark if it is necessary. Right now, he thinks he can remember the page number, though as he eyes the sunset.

“Sayōnara,” he whispers and nobody hears.

He smiles a bit when he hears rapid footsteps behind him coming closer and closer.

“Ah, you’re back, Chuuya~” he says and shifts his position on the fountain wall, where he had been sitting.

For some reason, Chuuya looks furious. But then, when doesn’t he look furious? He stomps nearer and yanks Dazai’s collar up.

“Where the hell were you?” he snarls. “I was in there waiting alone with two goddamn bullies and you were sitting here reading a book?”

Dazai’s smile doesn’t waver. Perhaps a part of him had expected this reaction from him. “I was right here, watching.”

“That’s what I’m asking, you fuck,” Chuuya grits his teeth. “You said you’d come.”

“Right,” Dazai shrugs. “I lied.”

“What!”

They stare at each other for a long time, Chuuya’s hand tightening around his collar.

“You want to kiss me so bad,” Dazai whispers with a grin.

“I can assure you that I do not.”

Dazai lets out a long and dramatic sigh, “Ah, you wound me Chuuya~”

“Good, die,” Chuuya grits. “Will you answer me now?”

Dazai stands up, brushing his clothes and making sure he picks his book up. “I lied that I’d come there. I was dealing with something else at the time.”

“Dealing with what?”

Dazai grins. “I made sure the other guy shows up there and tries to bully Atsushi-kun. I knew you’d see him and it’ll be two birds with one stone.”

Chuuya clenches his fist. “You realise that I happened to be that stone? Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?”

“You’d panic,” Dazai blinks. “If I said we’d be using Atsushi-kun and Akutagawa-kun as baits, you’d totally freak out.” he sighs and shrugs. “I knew they’d come there at the exact time. To make it go according to the plan, I had to make sure you didn’t know about it. ”

“Dazai,” Chuuya says as if he’s trying his best to control his anger. “You still could have told me something.”

“That would have made things complicated. Besides,” Dazai shrugs, “I lie all the time. How is it any different?”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything for a good minute. His eyes search Dazai for something. Something that even Dazai cannot figure out. When he finally looks away, Dazai doesn’t see hatred or anger in those eyes… just disappointment.

“It is different.”

Chuuya doesn’t speak at all on the way back to their dorm. It makes Dazai squirm from the inside. He isn’t used to Chuuya not speaking at all. He isn’t used to a silent Chuuya. It is out of his expectations and he isn’t quite sure what to do about it. He opens his mouth at times on the way but then ends up closing it.

Suddenly, he doesn’t know what to say.

Eventually, they reach the dorm after what seems like an eternity of silence and enter the room. The first person to run towards them is Atsushi-kun, tears scathing down his red cheeks.

“Chuuya-san, are you okay?” he asks and Dazai finally, finally hears Chuuya speak.

“I’m okay,” he says and lets out a tiny laugh. “Why are you crying?”

“I was so worried,” Atsushi says, wiping his cheeks. “I felt so guilty.”

“What for?”

“I—”

Chuuya moves forward and ruffles his hair as Dazai slowly shuts the door. “Don’t worry about it.” he smiles. “Whenever something happens, you can count on us to handle it. That’s what your senpais are here for.”

Atsushi smiles and wipes the stray tears on his cheeks. Dazai grins and adds, “including Akutagawa,” he glances at Akutagawa who turns away, his ears a tiny tinge of red. Snickering, he looks at Chuuya. “Right, Chibi?”

Chuuya doesn’t tell him not to call him that. He doesn’t scream at him. He doesn’t even frown. He simply looks away and mumbles, “don’t talk to me.”

That makes Dazai’s smile waver. Chuuya walks towards his bed and starts climbing up and Dazai’s smile completely disappears.

“Did you guys fight again?” Atsushi asks and Dazai gives him a look which is the closest he can get to a smile.

“Something like that.”

He walks slowly towards the bed where Chuuya is lying, facing the wall. Dazai sighs and realises that Atsushi had grabbed Akutagawa and went to the kitchen. 

Chuuya would talk to him eventually, right? That’s how it always is, isn’t it? Dazai teases him all the time. He even manages to get Chuuya completely annoyed and infuriated at times. But all Chuuya ever does is scream at him, maybe try to punch him, then it’s all okay. They still walk together. They still sit together in class. They still talk…

It is different.

Dazai bites his lip. Chuuya did say that earlier. He isn’t acting like he usually does and that puts Dazai in an unknown territory.

He climbs up on the ladder to Chuuya’s bed and leans against the bar. “Chuuya?”

No response.

Is he asleep? No, Dazai doesn’t think he’s sleeping.

“Chuuya?” he tries again only to be answered by silence.

He leans further. “Chibi? Hey,” he taps his head lightly, “you there?”

Chuuya shifts a bit only to turn further away. It makes Dazai feel something weird in his chest. Like something hollow right where his heart should be. He doesn’t like that feeling.

“C—Chuuya?” he says, trying his best to hide the despond. “Are you angry at me?”

“You’re a genius, aren’t you?” Chuuya finally says. “I’ll leave it for you to figure.”

Dazai opens his mouth and then closes it just as fast. Chuuya being angry at him isn’t new at all. In fact, about ninety percent of the time in just a day, Chuuya is either pissed at him or trying to punch him. Dazai is used to it by now. He can even predict Chuuya’s moves and intentions and act accordingly.

So then, why does this bother him so much?

“Why are you angry?” he asks slowly.

Chuuya doesn’t yell at him. He sighs instead and doesn’t reply.

Dazai taps his arm. “Chuuya, tell me, why are you angry at me?”

Chuuya doesn’t reply.

“Please?”

When Chuuya doesn’t budge, Dazai sighs and pulls Chuuya’s sleeve to make him turn.

“What?” Chuuya snaps and for the first time, it makes Dazai flinch.

“Please tell me...”

Chuuya gets up, a frown still on his face. When Dazai realises that he has no intention of speaking, he tugs on his sleeve again, making him crawl near the ladder. He keeps pulling him till they’re both down the bed and Chuuya pulls his hand away.

“You cannot think of one reason why I’m angry?” he says.

Dazai blinks. “Is it because I lied?”

When Chuuya doesn’t say anything, Dazai realises that that means he’s right.

“But,” Dazai says, tilting his head, “I lie all the time.”

“It’s not about lying, Dazai,” Chuuya sighs. “It’s about you not trusting me.”

“I trust you,”

“I really don’t think you do,” Chuuya says, his fists clenching. “You think that you’re all high and mighty. That you’re this genius no one can surpass. Well, big news,” his voice increases, “I was the one who cracked your ridiculous code. You cannot even give me the benefit of the doubt, can you?”

Dazai doesn’t try to argue back. Mostly because it isn’t anger that he is feeling at Chuuya’s words. What he feels is something else. A crack? A pain?

Dazai likes to believe that words don’t affect him. What others say or think about him is none of his concern. And other people have a lot of opinions about him. It doesn’t feel particularly good to be identified solely by the title “suicidal” by people who don’t know a thing about him. It isn’t a great feeling to not be acknowledged by people he holds dear to himself. But, it’s okay. It doesn’t bother him.

Then why? Why do the words spoken by some random, furious redhead hurt so much?

Dazai doesn’t know what kind of face he is making. But Chuuya, he looks at him as if he regrets what he had spoken. 

Dazai decides to speak before he can. “I’m sorry.”

Chuuya chokes on his own words before regaining his composure. “W—what?”

“I’m sorry,” Dazai says again, “for making you feel like I don’t trust you. You’re right. We’re both adults and you can manage things just as well. I’m sorry.”

For a few beats, neither of them speak. Clearing his throat, Dazai says low, “I won’t lie again.”

For a moment when Chuuya doesn’t say anything, Dazai almost thinks that he hadn’t heard it. 

That is until he gasps and points at him. “Dazai, I swear to god if that’s a lie—”

Dazai raises his hands and laughs. “No, I swear I’m not lying.”

And he isn’t. He isn’t lying now. 

Dazai knows how much he lies to get his way. His entire life, he had lied his way through most of the things, be it white lies or otherwise. He doesn’t regret them. He hasn’t hurt anybody with his lies before. Even now, he lies to Kunikida-kun all the time, just for fun. And he knows that it doesn’t hurt him in any way, just makes him a little annoyed. 

For the first time, Dazai realises that his words actually have the potential to hurt someone. And it bothers him a bit. He doesn’t particularly like hurting people that much. And Chuuya, Dazai doesn’t want to hurt him. There is a difference between teasing and causing pain and the line between them is so thin. Dazai doesn’t want to cross that. He really doesn’t.

“Just,” he mumbles, looking away, “don’t scare me like that again.”

Chuuya blinks. His lips twist into a smirk. “Scare you like what?”

“No, I—” Dazai sighs. “Nothing.” 

Dazai of all people rarely loses his composure. It does feel weird when it happens and Dazai absolutely hates it. Chuuya, on the other hand, seems to enjoy it.

Tit for tat, huh?

“Aww, did I scare you? Are you actually admitting that you’re scared of me?” Chuuya teases.

That’s not what I was scared of , Dazai wants to say but he doesn’t. 

He lets Chuuya laugh.

After all, Dazai had thought that he’d never hear that again.

And that is a scary thought.

Just as usual, Dazai wakes up before anybody else in the morning. Typically, it is an effort on its own to simply sit up on the bed. Somehow, today, it is easier. The pain that usually resides over his entire body seems to have subsided for a while. Dazai exhales; for the first time, it doesn’t hurt to breathe.

The morning routine goes smoother than he had expected. The room that had been soothingly quiet, turns cheerfully loud the moment the others wake up. It is quite the paradox with Dazai about silence and noise. Sometimes, he really prefers a quiet, slow environment, where he can calm down and breathe. But, there are times when he craves human sounds around him. He craves for these moments when he can feel laughter bubbling inside him that he cannot contain, which isn’t forced. The moments when he can talk to his closest friends without feeling hesitant. When he can hear them laugh and shout around and he no longer feels so lonely.

Besides, with their newest member (can he even call him a new member anymore?) Chuuya, the room can never be silent. It hadn’t taken him even a little while to just fit in. Dazai feels like it’s been forever since he has known the loud, redhead, even though it has just been a few months at the most. Even so, Dazai wouldn’t be lying if he says that he likes the familiarity.

“As a Psychology major, I think I can fairly diagnose you with a condition I have observed for a few months.”

Chuuya raises his brow. “What condition?”

Dazai brings his fingers near his chin as they cross the gates of their Psychology building. He slowly leans towards the shorter boy and whispers. “It’s called being a dick syndrome . I think you need immediate medication, Chuuya.”

It’s breezy outside with chilly winds for the onset of winter. Dazai feels the prickling wind hit his face. Especially since he runs all the way from the gates to their class, followed by a yelling Chuuya. Ah, the fun.

When they reach the class, huffing and panting, Dazai lets Chuuya punch him lightly on the arm before they settle on the last bench, just as usual. Their Psychology professor is usually late by a few minutes, so they wait for her. She enters right by the time Dazai predicts and it feels like a personal victory. 

She teaches as per usual and Dazai gets distracted… as per usual. Doodling in his book is perhaps one of his favourite pastime hobbies. Something that always manages to infuriate Chuuya because how the hell do you get straight As when you’re doing that most of the time?

So, at that commemoration, Dazai decides to draw a tiny, angry pomeranian dog. Not that it personifies anybody…

He doesn’t quite hear what the professor keeps saying. So, it takes him by surprise when she calls his name.

“Yes?” he blinks at her and she laughs along with the class.

“I’m asking a question. Can you please stand up?”

“Yes, I can,” Dazai smiles and stands, definitely receiving a groan from beside him. “Is it possible that you’d repeat your question?”

“Yes,” she says and clears her throat. “Since we’re talking about suicides and suicidal tendencies among people, especially teens, I wanted to know your opinion on it.”

It makes Dazai’s eyes widen. “My opinion?”

“Yes,” she says, waving her hand. “Do you support it or do you not support it? What is your opinion on suicide?”

Dazai opens his mouth but nothing comes out.

Suicide is definitely something he has high opinions about. He talks about it periodically and the attempts are pretty common. But, there is a difference between expressing his views to people who don’t care about it and expressing it to someone who might shun him for them.

“I, well,” Dazai starts, because he has to say something, “I don’t have any elaborate opinions on suicide. But I agree with the fact that it is pretty common nowadays.”

She thinks for a few seconds. “Elaborate.”

Dazai groans inwardly. “Well, see people commit suicides because of some reason. I don’t think anybody would want to kill themselves for fun.” he feels Chuuya’s eyes bore him through and through, but he chooses to ignore that. “So, perhaps what I’m trying to say is that I won’t blame somebody for deciding to kill themselves. There must be something that drives them to do that.”

The class is silent for a few moments. The professor stares at him, blinks once, twice and thrice before speaking. “So, you’re saying that you support suicide?”

“No,” Dazai says, his grip on the edge of the table growing tighter. “I don’t support suicide. It’s a terrible thing to do. But, I won’t blame someone for choosing that.”

“But then, invariably, you’re supporting their decision, aren’t you?”

“No, I am not. It’s just that I don’t see the point of blaming someone after they’ve done such a thing.”

The professor, to say the least, doesn’t seem satisfied. And Dazai doesn’t know how to explain his point of view either. He doesn’t need her to understand, but that doesn’t mean that he’d agree to everything she says either.

“Dazai-kun,” she sighs, “I still feel that a person who commits suicide must have had a different path that he or she could have chosen. Then, why shouldn’t I blame that person for only seeing that as their final choice?”

Dazai opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a much deeper voice. He turns to look down beside him and realises that Chuuya had raised his hand.

“Can I add something?” he asks and the professor nods.

Dazai wants to run away. The last thing he needs is an argument with Chuuya in the middle of the class about suicides of all the topics. But, what Chuuya says makes his eyes go wide.

“I want to speak in support of Dazai’s point,” he says, actively avoiding Dazai's surprised gaze. “I personally feel that he is right.”

The professor sighs. “Elaborate.”

“I think what he’s trying to say is that he agrees to the fact that a person has several more choices than to just kill themselves, but,” he glances briefly at Dazai and then looks away, “nobody really knows what that person was going through. And yeah, neither of us support the decision of suicides, but I think blaming the victim for already doing it is not going to help anybody.”

“Then aren’t you encouraging more people to choose the same path?”

“No,” Chuuya says, standing straighter. “I was coming to that. Instead of blaming the victim, I believe that we must make sure that nobody else feels the way they felt. Because, to be honest, I don’t think the victim would appreciate the disrespect they receive because of their struggles.”

“Chuuya-kun,” the professor sighs, leaning against the table behind her. “Take this as a completely hypothetical situation, but what if one day someone really close to you decides to end their life. Let’s say a friend of yours does. Then, what?”

Dazai looks at Chuuya whose eyes are already on him. It stays only for a second before turning back to the professor. “I’d honour his death. I’d feel,” he further avoids his gaze, “terrible. But, instead of blaming him, I’d blame myself.”

“Why?”

Chuuya smiles. “Because if he were my friend and I couldn’t save him from killing himself, then that makes me an awful friend. It doesn’t make him an awful person.”

In the end, they don’t win the argument against the professor, but she lets them sit, but not before saying, “that is a… great point, but...”

Aren’t all adults like that, though?

Chuuya looks away when they finally settle, gazing at anywhere that’s not Dazai. There’s a warm feeling inside that Dazai cannot point out. It’s a new feeling, but it makes him feel good. 

“Chuuya,” he says, only to be replied with a hesitant hum. Dazai smiles. “Thanks.”

Chuuya looks at him now. “It’s fine.”

“It means a lot.”

Chuuya immediately looks away and mumbles. “It was supposed to mean a lot.”

Dazai laughs and looks out the window to gaze at the first winter drizzle.

It is after his final class for the day that he goes back to the dorm, changes into his uniform and starts walking towards the grocery store right around the corner where he works. It’s a part-time job, really, that he had bagged back when he first started college. Chibi had another class that he groaned at before going, complaining about how Dazai has the entire evening free now. Did Dazai mention his job to him? No, he didn’t. But, did he agree to everything Chuuya had said and grinned at his misery? Yes. Yes, he did.

He feels himself smile at that as he walks behind the cashier and waves at his coworkers. 

“You look happy today, Dazai-kun,” Ranpo-san notices as he unwraps a candy wrapper.

“Do I?” Dazai asks before setting up the cashier.

“Mhmm,” he says, popping the candy in his mouth and leaning against his chair, “did something happen?”

“No,” Dazai says. “It’s just been a good day.”

“Sure,” Ranpo shrugs as if he knows something Dazai doesn’t.

Dazai ignores that. He has known Ranpo-san for many years. He knows that he is exceptionally smart and now that he is out of college, he is even going ahead to pursue a full-time job at the criminology department. He is arrogant and definitely underestimates every situation that he faces, but Dazai cannot help but admire him. After all, Ranpo-san is known for being the only one who could solve every case that the college had given him to investigate during his time as a mere student in his course.

“Dazai, you’re late,” Kunikida-kun behind him sighs, “again.”

Dazai grins at him. “I was really busy, Kunikida-kun,” he raises his finger. “Besides, you should always take a round of your workplace once before entering, so I was doing just that.”

“Oh?” Kunikida-kun asks, placing the boxes he had been holding on the floor, with wide eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, yes,” Dazai continues. “They say it’s good for your health. You should write it down.”

Kunikida-kun immediately picks his notebook out of his pocket and the pen he carries around everywhere and starts writing. Right when he reaches the end of his sentence, Dazai turns away. “It was a lie, though.”

Thankfully, the customers start entering the store when Kunikida-kun rages towards him with murder in his eyes. Dazai only laughs at that. He does enjoy annoying him.

Begrudgingly, Kunikida-kun takes his place at the cashier next to Dazai’s as the people start forming queues. It’s almost like a routine for Dazai now, to pick each item from the cart, scan it and ask for payment. He meets a lot of different types of people during this job. There are the chatty customers who ask questions about everything, make jokes along with Dazai and laugh. There are people who don’t even bat an eye at him while he does the job. There are awkward people who drop their wallets during payment and apologise profusely. There are people who carry tiny babies with them. Dazai always manages to make them laugh by pinching their nose or cheeks. He likes to think that he’s naturally good with children, even though he doesn’t particularly like them that much. 

Dazai gets the privilege to see so many kinds of people and it makes him wonder at times. In the end, they are all humans. But, there are so many things that make them different and unique. He likes watching that. He likes predicting the people he meets.

Swiping another card and handing the bag, he smiles in thanks and the customer leaves. The last person in the queue moves forward and places the trolley beside the counter, his eyes fixed on his phone as he scrolls through it. It doesn’t take Dazai even a second to recognise the orange mess of hair on the short guy standing who doesn’t even look up.

It makes Dazai smile as he slowly picks up everything on the cart. There’s an abnormally large amount of flour and other bakery materials that makes Dazai raise his brow. When he’s almost done with all the items, he leans against the counter.

“That’ll be 44,555 ¥.”

“What!” Chuuya finally looks up from his phone.

Dazai grins at him. “Hey, Chibi.”

Chuuya blinks at him and then takes a curious look around him. “What are you doing here?”

“I work here.”

“Why did I not know that?”

“Because I never told you, dummy.”

“Right,” he says. “That makes sense.”

Dazai laughs and shows him the actual costs on the screen. “Why do you need so many baking materials?”

“Because I’m going to bake.”

“Bake what?”

“I don’t know,” he says, pulling out his own card. Fancy. “Atsushi asked me to teach him how to bake.”

“Ah,” Dazai says and starts typing on the monitor.

While the transaction takes place, Dazai leans against the counter, placing his chin on his hand. “So, Chibi-chan, tell me about your day.”

“What the fuck, Dazai,” Chuuya sighs. “We met like half an hour ago.”

“Half an hour is a pretty long time.”

“It really isn’t.”

“Well,” Dazai leans further. “Tell me about those excruciating thirty minutes without my presence, then.”

Chuuya leans against the counter, mimics his position and smirks. “Let me tell you something, Dazai. Those were the most blissful thirty minutes of my life.”

“You wound me, Chuuya,” Dazai says with a smile still intact on his lips.

“I was aiming for that.”

Before Dazai can say anything, he hears a groan from beside him. “Stop flirting with the customers, Dazai.”

That makes Dazai stand straighter. He blinks at Kunikida-kun who meticulously scans the items on his table. “I’m not flirting.”

“It seems to me that you are very clearly flirting with him,” he says without looking. “Stop annoying strangers.”

“He’s no stranger, Kunikida-kun,” Dazai laughs. “He’s my roommate. I am obligated to annoy him.”

Dazai looks back at Chuuya and grins, who simply mocks his smile. That makes Dazai laugh even more and he picks a bag for the items. He hands it to Chuuya who takes it wordlessly and turns to leave.

“Chibi!” Dazai yells, gaining the entire store’s attention as Chuuya stops on his tracks but doesn’t turn. “Seriously, what are you going to bake?”

“Nothing for you, you embarrassing fuck!” He turns his head slightly enough so Dazai can see his completely red face. He stomps away and leaves the store, leaving a laughing Dazai at the counter. 

Wiping a tear off his eye, Dazai gazes back at the computer and goes back to the main page.

“Not flirting, huh?” he hears a smug voice and invariably, it makes him turn.

Ranpo-san, well, doesn’t work that lot. He hands him the bags most of the time, so he had placed a permanent chair right there surrounded by a permanent stash of sweets.

“Now, I know that romance is perhaps the only department I don’t excel at, but,” he pulls the lollipop out of his mouth, “even I can conclude that you were flirting.”

“I wasn’t flirting,” Dazai says. His face scrunches up. “Why would I flirt with him of all people?”

“You tell me.”

Dazai sighs and looks away. “Ranpo-san, I wasn’t flirting with him. I don’t like him.”

“Oh,” Ranpo says and licks his lollipop again. “Why is that?”

“He’s annoying,” Dazai says and brings his fingers up so he can count. “He’s brash, he’s loud, he’s angry all the time. He’s just a mess.”

Ranpo-san laughs and stands up. “So are you. How does it matter, then?” he stretches and leaves the counter, perhaps already bored of talking about something that isn’t… him.

Dazai wouldn’t take it by heart. He is a mess, he knows that. And Ranpo-san says a lot of things about other people. What he had said isn’t supposed to hurt him anyway. But, somehow, it makes Dazai think. 

“It doesn’t matter, I suppose,” he mumbles, mostly to himself.

They are both a mess, in contrastingly different ways. But, the thing is that Dazai doesn’t hate Chuuya. Sure, in the beginning, he kind of did, but he doesn’t think he can label his emotions as ‘hate’ anymore. As roommates as well as classmates, they’ve come to look out for each others’ backs. Dazai admits that they have a weird relationship, but he also admits that they have a pretty great dynamic. 

Besides, he certainly can never forget the way Chuuya had defended his… unpopular opinion in class. He hadn’t expected him to do that for him at all. He can never forget the light feeling he had felt back then, just a few hours ago. The feeling of being acknowledged. The feeling of being respected. Dazai’s hand moves and rests on his chest. He’s feeling the same warmth he had felt back in the class.

And that feeling is something Dazai hopes he can keep feeling again and again.

Chapter Text

A light

Newly lit - 

First winter drizzle.

-Masaoka Shiki

The door opens with a bang which nearly makes Chuuya drop his phone. He turns back to see who it is, having a slight intuition that it must be Dazai. Turns out, it isn’t him and that only makes Chuuya disappointed at his prediction.

Atsushi enters the room and immediately kneels on the floor, huffing and panting, followed by Akutagawa who leans against the door, trying to catch his breath.

Chuuya really doesn’t want to presume things again, so he gets off his bed and walks towards them.

“I,” Atsushi breathes before Chuuya can say anything, “I win.”

“You cheated,” Akutagawa rasps, “Jinko.”

“I did not!”

Chuuya sighs and scratches his head. “Should I ask ‘what happened’ now or should I wait?”

“Oh, Chuuya-san,” Atsushi says and starts standing, taking the hand Chuuya offers. “We started racing up till the dorm,” he pauses, “for some reason and we couldn’t stop.”

“Oh,” Chuuya mouths and glances at Akutagawa who coughs against his palm. “You okay there?”

“Yes,” he says and tries to stand straighter.

Chuuya tuts at them. “Who told you it was a good idea to race up two flights of stairs? Come on, I’ll get you water.”

“But, before that, there is something important that you need to know,” Atsushi says in a hurry.

“Why do you get to say it?” Akutagawa scrunches his brows.

“Because I won,” Atsushi points his tongue at him.

“By cheating,” Akutagawa coughs and looks away.

“I didn’t cheat!”

Chuuya sighs loud enough for them to stop their quarrel. “If it’s important, don’t you think you should tell me instead of arguing?”

“Ah, yes,” Atsushi says, almost hopping on his toes. “We got to know that Dazai-san has work today, too. On Saturday.”

“So?” Chuuya raises his brow.

“It’s not going according to the plan,” Atsushi whines. “His friends won’t be able to reach before him if they are at the same place, at the same time.”

“Also,” Akutagawa adds, “their working hours are pretty late for Saturdays, to make it worse.”

Chuuya sighs for the third time in mere ten minutes. “Well, then someone has to stall him for a while. At the most, he’ll still be wearing his store uniform. We can’t do anything about it. He cannot demand to look good for a surprise as well.”

“But,” Atsushi whines again, “it’s his birthday.”

“Well, yeah,” Chuuya shrugs. “But, we can’t do anything about it.”

“We planned so much, though,” Atsushi mumbles.

“We really didn’t.”

“You’re going to bake him a cake, Chuuya-san,”

Chuuya loses his composure for just a bit. “You forced me to!”

“Still...”

Chuuya groans and walks back to his bed to pick his phone. He’d have to ask someone to stall Dazai for a while so that he doesn’t end up ruining his own surprise.

No, Chuuya hadn’t been too keen on this plan. Heck, he didn’t even know about Dazai’s birthday until Atsushi had suddenly mentioned it yesterday, causing Chuuya to rush to the grocery store for supplies. Of course, he hadn’t expected to see Dazai working there and nobody had bothered to inform him of it either. So, he did whatever he could. He came up with a lie and brought the ingredients home. Everything was Atsushi’s plan. The surprise, the cake, the decorations. Even so, Chuuya had been the first to speak against the surprise party.

Why? Atsushi had asked.

Because, Chuuya hesitated. Because I don’t think he cares about his birthday. He didn’t even tell us about it once. Maybe he doesn’t want to celebrate it.

Atsushi had tilted his head in an innocent curiosity. Who doesn’t care about their birthday?

Well, Chuuya doesn’t know how to explain the fact that Dazai is… different. He doesn’t know how to explain the fact that someone who craves death just might not be someone who looks forward to the day they were born.

So, he obliges to Atsushi’s plans, only sometimes getting glances from Akutagawa as if he knows too. Well, Chuuya guesses that neither of them has the courage to put a damper on Atsushi’s plans and witness his depressed look, so Chuuya would bake an entire cake if he has to and Akutagawa would decorate the entire room with balloons and confetti if he has to.

In the end, Chuuya realises that he doesn’t have any of Dazai’s friends’ numbers so he asks Atsushi to call one of them. He calls someone named Kunikida and asks him to stall Dazai till they tell him. Chuuya gets a weird feeling that he has heard that name before, but chooses to ignore it. Letting out a sigh and stretching himself, he decides to walk to the kitchen. Perhaps he should start with the cake.

Baking is something Chuuya had learnt himself through recipe books and youtube videos. His sister is a better cook than a baker, a talent that only she could inherit amongst the two of them. Simply said, Chuuya can’t ever remember the concepts of cooking a meal. He knows that he’s better at it than Dazai, but he still can’t cook anything as good as his sister or for that matter Atsushi can. And Atsushi is brilliant at cooking. Something he says he had learnt due to the fact that he had lived alone for several years. He can make complex dishes too, even if they don’t look as presentable as they should, they still taste amazing. Yet, Atsushi prefers making a simple Chazuke of all the dishes he can choose.

But, baking, that’s where Chuuya excels. He can make at least a one-tier cake properly and decorate it nicely. He has made numerous birthday cakes for his sister back when he was just learning to bake. Chuuya had the habit of finding the flaws in his final product, while Ane-san said that it is the best cake she has ever had. That’s all that really mattered for Chuuya to keep learning. 

So, perhaps the fact that he has to bake today doesn’t make him that upset, after all. He’ll make sure that Dazai acknowledges that it is the best cake he has ever had.

He starts working, being only periodically interrupted by Atsushi who asks him questions about the way he mixes the batter or the quantity of products he uses or why he separates the whites and the yolk. Chuuya explains everything patiently. There is always something about Atsushi that calms him down. He enjoys his company quite a lot.

Chuuya places the batter in the cheap microwave that they have when he’s done and sets the timer. 

Exhausted beyond belief, he goes to the main room and sees the walls covered in balloons and trims. He sees Akutagawa and Atsushi sitting together, blowing the balloons and tying them up. Akutagawa, although, accidentally lets go of his balloon before tying and it flies all around the room, only to end up right on top of Akutagawa’s own head. Atsushi, at the sight, bursts into laughter. Chuuya watches as Akutagawa’s shocked face turns softer at him before coughing and hitting him lightly on the arm. “Shut up, Jinko.”

Chuuya snickers and it catches their attention. Atsushi smiles at him and Chuuya walks and sits beside him.

“Ah,” Chuuya says, suddenly remembering. “That reminds me of something. Why does Akutagawa call you Jinko?”

Akutagawa himself doesn’t look at them and Atsushi blushes. “Well, you see, the first day that I arrived here, I was wearing a bag with tiny tiger faces on it. And I’m kind of an enthusiast of them since they teach about them in zoology so much,” he looks back down at the balloon in his hand, “so, he started calling me that.”

“Oh,” Chuuya smirks. “You don’t carry that bag around now, do you?”

“No,” Atsushi laughs. “It’s embarrassing.”

Chuuya laughs along before deciding to check the cake. There’s still a while left for the cake to finish baking, but he watches it turn inside the microwave, as the batter rises slowly. Satisfaction takes Chuuya over and he settles down on the chair and picks out his phone.

Chuuya doesn’t know when he fell asleep, but it’s the continuous beeping of the timer that wakes him up. He blinks his eyes open and checks the time. It’s pretty late in the evening, he notes and walks over to open the microwave. Slowly, he takes the cake out and places it over a plate. Lightly tapping the tin, he makes sure that the cake comes out smoothly. The sweet scent fills the room as the warm, soft cake falls on the plate. 

“It smells so good,” Atsushi says, walking near the table.

“It does, doesn’t it?” Chuuya smiles.

“I can’t wait to try it!”

Chuuya laughs and readies the frosting. Well, he knows that Dazai likes vanilla quite a lot for some reason. Thankfully, vanilla frosting is the easiest to make. The problem, however, is that Chuuya doesn’t really know what to write on the cake. Basic designs are something he’s pretty good at and he does them in a matter of mere minutes. But, his hand hesitates when he has to write a message on it.

“Just write happy birthday Dazai ,” Atsushi shrugs.

Chuuya bites his lip. Who is he kidding? He can’t think of one good message other than a simple birthday wish. Not that Dazai would appreciate it, but yeah.

He ends up writing,

Happy Birthday Dazai! 

There is a knock on the door and Atsushi immediately leaves to attend to it. Chuuya picks the frosting again and rolls it around his hand. Just a message looks so… boring. He shrugs and brings the frosting cone towards the cake, letting his creativity take the wheel.

In the end, his creativity doesn’t do much, but he ends up making tiny crabs all over the cake… well, at least he tries to. Dazai likes crabs, doesn’t he? Then he picks the cake and goes to the main room to the table placed between the beds. He sees the guests who had arrived leaning near the bed stands and talking amongst each other.

Chuuya definitely recognises the raven-haired man who’s slightly taller than him. He had seen him at the store yesterday, handing out bags to Dazai and well, lazing around for most of the part. The woman he’s talking to is Yosano, someone even Chuuya had seen around the college campus quite a bit. 

The sight of the cake gains their attention immediately, especially the raven-haired guy, who looks at the cake as if he’d devour it the second he gets the chance to. Chuuya places the cake slowly on the table and adjusts it.

“You are Chuuya,” the raven-haired guy says as if letting him know of his own name.

“I am.”

“Dazai-kun talks about you quite a lot.”

That makes Chuuya turn to face the guy who simply smiles at him.

“What do you mean ‘talks about me quite a lot’?” 

The guy smiles further. “I think he mentions you in every other sentence. I haven’t counted, though. Don’t have the time to.”

Chuuya blinks and stands up, but then ends up groaning. Anything Dazai would say about him must be terrible. 

“He doesn’t say anything terrible about you,” the guy says, opening a candy wrapper, as if he had read Chuuya’s mind. Chuuya, on the other hand, wonders where in the world he had picked a toffee from.

“What else could he possibly say?” Chuuya asks.

“Why don’t you ask him?”

Chuuya groans again before settling on Dazai’s bed. Honestly, he cannot imagine Dazai talking about Chuuya of all the people. And even if he does, Chuuya doesn’t think he can ever say nice things about him. Wait, it’d be weirder if he talked nice things about him. 

Chuuya sighs and gazes at the window. Is there really anything good about Chuuya that even someone like Dazai could see? Other than the fact that he personally thinks that he’s pretty awesome, Chuuya doesn’t remember any particularly nice gesture that he has done towards Dazai that can make him appreciate him more. 

“Say, Chuuya-san,” Yosano speaks and it takes a moment for Chuuya to realise that she’s sitting beside him. He blinks at her and she continues. “Who is Dazai-kun to you?”

“Who is Dazai to me,” Chuuya repeats and then shrugs. “He’s my roommate.”

“Doesn’t it ever get annoying, though,” she sighs and looks up at the ceiling, “to live with him.”

“He is annoying,” Chuuya agrees.

“Then, why do you bear with him?” Yosano shrugs. “I know we’re friends, but I wouldn’t be able to live with him.”

Chuuya looks away. “Well, he is annoying. But, I think I can bear with him just fine.”

“Why? Doesn’t it get exhausting? He is childish and immature. Plus he lies a lot.”

Chuuya clicks his tongue in annoyance. “He promised that he won’t lie to me.”

 “Who is to say that that isn’t a lie?”

Chuuya’s fists clench inadvertently. “I don’t think he was lying about that.”

Yosano laughs. “Well, he is pretty manipulative like that.”

Chuuya clicks his tongue again, feeling anger seething inside him… for some reason. It’s true that he’s childish and everything, and it’s also true that he lies, but Chuuya doesn’t think that he deserves such disrespect because of that. 

He turns to face her properly and says, “Look, I know he lies a lot, but he means well. He isn’t trying to hurt anyone and I know guilt when I see it. So, I don’t care if he is manipulative or some shit. As long as he knows when to draw a line, I don’t see any problem with it.” He tries to lower his rising voice as much as he can. “And I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop calling him that. How do you even call yourself his friend if you come up to me and talk trash about him on his own birthday, that too?”

Yosano’s face remains neutral for just a second before turning softer. “That’s exactly how he talks about you, Chuuya-san.”

Chuuya’s frown ceases and he looks at her, confused. She smiles at him fondly, something that Chuuya had never expected her to do after all that she had said. “You were wondering, weren’t you? About what Dazai-kun could possibly say about you? Well, what’s a better way of explaining than giving an example?”

She stands up, without waiting for Chuuya’s response. Before walking away, she turns for just a moment. “Dazai-kun has a lot of flaws. But,” she smiles with the same kind of fondness again, this time not directed to Chuuya, “we’re going to stick around with him anyway. That’s all that matters in the end.”

She walks away, towards Atsushi standing near the doorway and this time, she doesn’t turn.

Chuuya is not about to overthink that conversation. It doesn’t make him contemplate every other conversation that he and Dazai have had. Chuuya shakes his head. The thing is that Chuuya doesn’t hate Dazai. Of course, he doesn’t. Words like hate or even loathe are very strong and Chuuya really doesn’t think that someone being simply annoying would make him hate them. That’s the thing, though, he finds Dazai annoying. He teases him mercilessly every day. It’s almost like the only reason he wakes up is to make him angry. And yeah, Chuuya would call him names and curse him. But, even so, Chuuya won’t accept it if anybody else disrespects him.

It’s not just with Dazai. Chuuya is now so much closer to his roommates that if anybody ever says anything at all about Atsushi or Akutagawa, he would beat the crap out of them. 

Is it weird of him to be this overprotective over people he has known for mere months?

The bed dips beside him and Chuuya sees Atsushi settling.

“So, Kunikida-san would bring Dazai-san back in an hour,” he says, bouncing his leg continuously. “Gosh, I’m so excited and yet so nervous.”

Chuuya laughs. “Chill out. This isn’t a stage performance.”

Atsushi lets out a tiny laugh, but it almost sounds sad. “It’s just that I’ve been thinking about what you said. About Dazai-san not liking his birthday,” he looks down. “What if it’s true? Do you think he’ll hate me for doing this?”

Chuuya opens his mouth but ends up hesitating. “Dazai would never hate you for doing so much just for him. Even if he doesn’t like his birthday, I think he’ll be glad that you tried to make the day special for him.”

“You think so?” Atsushi looks up at him with wide eyes. “You’re the only one who knows Dazai-san the most amongst us.”

“I do?” Chuuya raises his brow.

“Of course, you do,” Atsushi laughs. His eyes suddenly widen in excitement. “Ooh ooh, speaking of, what did you get for him?”

“What did I get for him?” Chuuya repeats.

“A gift?”

“I was supposed to get him a gift?” Chuuya asks, feeling like an idiot now.

Atsushi laughs again. “It’s his birthday, Chuuya-san. Birthdays are all about gifts!”

“But, I made him a cake!” Chuuya argues. “And cookies!”

“You made cookies?” Atsushi gasps.

“Yeah,” Chuuya sighs. “It’s getting baked.”

“That’s so sweet of you, Chuuya-san.”

“It’s really not.” Chuuya looks away.

He isn’t being sweet. There are so many people in the room already and two guys with extreme sweet teeth. Obviously, he had to do something about it.

“What did you get him?” Chuuya finally asks.

“A stuffed toy.”

“Oh,” Chuuya laughs. “And Akutagawa?”

“He didn’t tell me, but I think it’s a book.” Atsushi guesses. “You have to get him something, Chuuya-san. I’m sure he’d like it.”

“Ha ha,” Chuuya says. “Dazai wouldn’t care less about my gift. He hates me.”

Atsushi stares at him for a good minute. In the end, he raises his brow and tilts his head. “He doesn’t hate you, though?”

After spending a good forty-five minutes roaming in and out of several shops, Chuuya reaches back to his dorm with a small box in his hand. It’s all wrapped up and topped with a ribbon, with no name card. He might have sighed about thirty-one times the entire way home. Is his gift bad? No, it was expensive as hell and he borrowed a little money from Ane-san as well. So, no, it’s a fucking prize. Does he regret buying it? Well, maybe.

Okay, so maybe he thinks that Dazai might not like it. Maybe he does feel like his money went deep down the drain. But, then there was literally nothing else that he could buy. And it makes sense. His gift is useful. That’s all that should matter.

He opens the door with another sigh and enters the room, almost scaring Atsushi.

“Oh, I thought it was Dazai-san,” he laughs. His eyes fall on the box in Chuuya’s hand. “So, what did you get him?”

Chuuya hides the box behind him. “It’s a secret.”

“Aww, no fair.”

Chuuya laughs and walks to the nearest bed which happens to be Dazai’s. He places the box there and watches as everybody starts gathering around the cake.

“Okay, okay,” Atsushi waves his hands. “Kunikida-san just texted me that they’re walking up the stairs.”

He turns the light off as the room goes silent and dashes towards the table. He looks at Chuuya and signs something. Chuuya understands and picks a candle he had kept nearby, places it on the cake and slowly lights it. After that, he immediately pushes his way through the crowd and goes to the extreme corner at the back. He leans against the wall and waits.

There’s no particular reason for that. He just thinks that Dazai would prefer to be around people he cares about and people who care about him. Chuuya doesn’t really have a place in that. He cannot replace his friends.

Not that he wants to…

“You’re Chuuya-san, aren’t you?” he hears a voice and he looks beside him.

“Yeah,”

“I’m Kenji,” the blond smiles. “Dazai-san talks about you sometimes.”

Chuuya sighs. “So I’ve been told.”

“Why are you waiting here, though?” he asks. “You’re his roommate, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says, crossing his arms, “but, I’m not his friend.”

“Oh,”

It’s a very sudden feeling Chuuya has; this disappointment. He has, himself, never considered Dazai a friend. They fight constantly and Chuuya doesn’t think friends do that. Now, Atsushi is someone he can call a friend. They can have a civil conversation and joke around as well. They don’t argue that much and they don’t fight. None of them gets on each others’ nerves either. It’s the same with Akutagawa. They don’t talk a lot because he knows Akutagawa has certain boundaries that he won’t cross. But, in the end, Chuuya can pull him out of his cocoon so he can socialise and that’s perfectly okay with him. They don’t fight either. But, Dazai? Chuuya and he fight all the time. Sometimes, they don’t even need a reason to do that. No matter how well they work together, be it for school projects or something else, in the end, their relationship cannot be labelled as that of friends.

But, then when Chuuya was asked to imagine a friend he would be most upset over losing, his mind chose Dazai. And no excuse can ever change that.

It’s the creaking of the door that regains Chuuya’s attention. He cannot see what’s going on. Curse his stupid height.

But, he hears shuffling in the front and Dazai’s laugh. “Seriously, Kunikida-kun. It makes me so happy that you came to drop me~”

“Shut up, Dazai.”

Suddenly the light is turned on. All the people around him scream, cheering and singing the birthday wish. 

He doesn’t know what Dazai looks like, but he hears him gasp and it gives him a sense of satisfaction. How often can you surprise someone who can predict everything?

“Oh my,” Dazai gasps and Chuuya hopes that he isn’t imagining the smile that he can hear from there. “You guys… remembered?”

“Of course,” he hears Atsushi who definitely pulls Dazai towards the table.

“This is so sweet!” Dazai laughs. “And everybody is here!”

The crowd laughs at that and it makes Chuuya smile just a bit.

“You guys got me a cake!” Dazai gasps and it makes Chuuya look down.

“We didn’t buy it,” Atsushi says and Chuuya swears he can hear the smugness in it. “One of us baked it.”

“Oh my, really?” Dazai asks and then hums. “I do recognise that writing.”

Nobody speaks as Dazai keeps thinking. There’s no way that Dazai recognises Chuuya’s writing. It can’t be possible.

“Chibi-chan!” Dazai suddenly exclaims and Chuuya almost chokes on his own spit.

The crowd parts on its own as all eyes fall on him… including Dazai’s. Chuuya isn’t sure what he had been expecting, but the way Dazai’s gaze is on him is certainly not what he had been anticipating.

And Chuuya doesn’t know how to explain that look. He really doesn’t. But it’s the kind of face that Chuuya makes when he watches a sunset, laced with so much fondness and happiness that it makes him look down.

“You baked a cake for me?” Dazai asks.

“It’s not a big deal,” Chuuya mumbles.

Dazai laughs. “Is that why you bought so much flour yesterday?”

Chuuya hums and avoids meeting his eyes.

Dazai laughs again. “And look, you made tiny crabs on it.”

Chuuya tchs and looks away. “Whatever.”

“Aww,” Dazai sings. “You care about me so much, Chuuya~”

“I do not! Shut up!” Chuuya yells.

“Such fond~”

Chuuya hears a lot of his friends snicker, especially the ones who he had seen at the grocery store. When Chuuya looks up, he sees Akutagawa standing beside Dazai, carrying a knife, which initially shocks Dazai.

“Why do you always look so morbid, Akutagawa-kun?” Dazai asks, taking the knife from him.

Akutagawa blinks. “I wasn’t trying to.”

Dazai snickers and faces the cake and Chuuya sees the widest of smiles that he pulls up. Chuuya wouldn’t lie, he has never seen him smile like that.

Dazai is suicidal, that’s no news. And Chuuya knows that to even think of ending one’s life, the person must have a terrible sadness that they carry around. Dazai is no exception to that. Even though Chuuya doesn’t understand Dazai completely and he doesn’t think he’s capable of ever doing so, he still knows what he feels. He knows the emptiness. He knows the pain.

Being able to watch someone so sad, smile and laugh openly, kind of feels like a privilege to him.

When Dazai finally blows the candle and cuts the cake, the room cheers for him and he grins so wide, it makes Chuuya smile.

Dazai picks a bit of the cake and offers it to Atsushi beside him whose eyes widen but he leans forward to take it. 

Atsushi closes his eyes and hums as he chews the bread. “This is so good.”

Dazai snickers and offers the next piece to Akutagawa. What Chuuya doesn’t expect is when Dazai looks straight at him, grins and calls him forward. And Chuuya certainly doesn’t expect Kenji to push him forward either.

Dazai smiles and offers him his own cake and Chuuya can’t help but narrow his eyes at him.

“Come on, you made it,” Dazai laughs. “You deserve a taste too.”

Hesitantly, Chuuya takes it and chews the bread. Too sweet .

Dazai laughs and it takes him a moment to realise that he said it out loud. “I’m sure it’s great.”

Chuuya looks away and Dazai clears his throat. “I wouldn’t know till you give it to me, you know?”

Chuuya snaps his head back. “You want me to feed you the cake, now?”

“Isn’t that how birthdays work?” Dazai grins.

Chuuya groans and picks a piece. Dazai smiles and takes it. Chuuya is pretty sure he hears a whoop behind him and he chooses to ignore that.

“This is so good!” Dazai says with wide eyes. “How did I not know my Chibi is so talented?”

“Shut up,” Chuuya huffs. “And stop calling me that!”

He walks towards the bed and sits down, definitely earning a grin from Dazai.

“Nothing for me, huh?” Dazai grins as he sits beside Chuuya.

Chuuya blinks at him and then looks away. He understands what Dazai is referring to, the way Chuuya had lied about the cake yesterday at the store. 

Dazai only laughs and then silence falls between them. The chatter around them doesn’t pierce the silence somehow. But, Dazai’s whispers manage to break it.

“I am lonely sometimes, but I dare say it’s good for me…”

Chuuya looks back and sees Dazai watching his friends. Without prompt, Dazai whispers again, “Louisa May Alcott.”

Chuuya doesn’t need an explanation to understand what he had said. He knows about the book even though he hadn’t personally read it. Little Women. He had seen Ane-san reading it and she had quoted so many of those lines to him. There were so many books that she had read and talked about for hours. And she would talk so much about them that Chuuya never needed to read them to know the story and to understand the quotes.

“All great and precious things are lonely,” Chuuya whispers back and it makes Dazai slowly turn his head. 

Dazai doesn’t look shocked, but Chuuya knows that he hadn’t been expecting it. It makes him look away, but he mumbles, “John Steinbeck.”

After what seems like an eternity, when Chuuya risks a glance at Dazai, all he sees are his soft eyes somewhere distant and his lips twisted to a smile.

The celebration goes so well that it makes Chuuya sort of anxious. He didn’t expect it to go so smoothly. Almost all of Dazai’s friends are amazing. They all talk to Chuuya and it’s just so easy to converse with them. He can laugh with them and smile openly when they click pictures with him. And they hang out with him as if they’ve all known each other forever. 

Chuuya just feels jealous.

Dazai has these amazing friends and it sucks that Chuuya doesn’t. He has never had friends so loyal and loving. But, a part of him is content in being able to hang out with them for one night. It’s better than never meeting them at all.

After clicking tons of selfies with Atsushi on his phone, Chuuya finally walks to Dazai’s bed when they start giving him gifts. Utterly excited about each gift he receives, Dazai opens them right there, surrounded by everyone. And Chuuya watches as each gift unfolds and they’re all awesome. Each present is thoughtful and each one of them makes Dazai smile.

Chuuya’s hand pushes his own gift under the pillow on it’s own. To think that Chuuya would be this nervous about giving him a gift makes him loathe himself. He doesn’t think his gift is as thoughtful and loving as the rest of them are. It’s nothing in comparison to the rest. Isn’t not giving it better, then?

His phone starts ringing abruptly and he looks down.

Ane-san.

He smiles inadvertently and picks the call. The thing is that Chuuya has thought that talking to Ane-san would boost his mood up a bit more. But, the whole reason Ane-san had called had been to ask about the gift and if ‘Dazai-kun’ liked it or not.

“I—I haven’t given it yet.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.”

Even Atsushi had looked at him and he had shaken his head in denial when they were giving gifts. He’s just not ready…

“Well, you should just give it. I’m sure he’ll love it.” Ane-san says.

Chuuya hums because he doesn’t want to argue.

“Anyway, let me talk to Dazai-kun,” Ane-san says excitedly. “I want to wish him.”

“Why?” Chuuya groans.

“Why not?”

Chuuya groans again and looks at Dazai who’s talking to a guy wearing round glasses. Chuuya doesn’t think he knows him. He hadn’t talked to him either.

“Well?” Ane-san asks.

“He’s talking to someone.”

“Then call him.”

“You have no patience, do you?”

“Not really.” Chuuya can even feel her grin from such a distance.

When Chuuya looks up next, he sees Dazai already looking at him. Someone might have told him, Chuuya thinks. He sighs and indicates to him. Dazai grins and sits down beside Chuuya and Chuuya immediately hands him his phone.

Dazai blinks at him for a few seconds before taking the phone and reading the caller ID. He smiles and puts it against his ear. “Oh, Ane-san?”

“She’s my sister, not yours, moron,” Chuuya hisses and Dazai ignores it completely.

He talks with Chuuya’s sister for a while and he gets this weird feeling that they’re talking about him. 

“Yeah,” Dazai says and looks at Chuuya. “Your brother is just so sweet. He made me a cake and cookies and there were these tiny crabs on the cake because he knew I like them so much and—”

“All right, stop!” Chuuya gets up, trying to grab the phone from his hands. 

Dazai evades that pretty easily and grins. “And I’m pretty sure that he has hidden a gift under the pillow for me.”

That causes Chuuya’s eyes to widen. “WHAT?”

“I knew it!” Dazai laughs and Chuuya definitely hears Ane-san laughing at the other end.

Eventually, Dazai says his thanks and hands Chuuya his phone. Chuuya ends the call and glares at Dazai who smiles. “When are you going to give me my gift, then?”

Chuuya looks away and mumbles, “not now.”

“I’ll wait.”

And Dazai does just that. He doesn’t ask about the gift again till every other guest leaves by the curfew. But, when they all do leave, Dazai grins and sits down beside Chuuya who groans. He pulls the box out from the pillow and hands it to Dazai without looking as casually as possible. Dazai takes it and opens it slowly. Chuuya glances at him and sees Dazai’s wide eyes when the wrapper comes completely off.

“You got me a watch,” Dazai says.

Chuuya clears his throat and looks away. “I noticed you didn’t have one and you pester me about the time every single day. So, wear it and stop annoying me every few minutes.”

For a while, Dazai doesn’t say anything. Slowly, a low voice comes. “But, it must have been expensive.”

“Yeah, it was,” Chuuya looks back at him. “So, don’t you dare complain about it.”

Dazai looks at him and blinks. His eyes soften gradually and he smiles. “I love it.”

“Heard you talk about me to your friends,” Chuuya mentions.

“I do.”

“What could you possibly say about me, Dazai?”

“Many things.”

“Like?”

Dazai laughs. “Like how impossibly tiny you are. I asked Kunikida-kun to give me his microscope once.”

Chuuya tries to kick Dazai’s shin but misses it as Dazai lifts his legs up and crosses them on the bed.

“Idiot,” Chuuya mumbles and looks away.

“An idiot you did so much for,” Dazai points out and laughs. “Frenemy.”

“Frenemy?”

“Yeah,” Dazai laughs again. “It’s a special position, reserved for you.”

“I don’t know if I should be grateful or not.”

“You should be.”

“Sure.”

Chuuya was right in the end. They aren’t friends. But, they aren’t enemies either. And for Chuuya, that is enough.

Chapter Text

Autumn is leaving

Tugging each others’ branches

Two pine trees.

-Masaoka Shiki

It isn’t the sunlight that wakes him up today. It is the low shuffling and hushed whispers near the door that brings Dazai back into consciousness. He isn’t the first one to wake up today, he notices. Both Akutagawa and Atsushi’s beds are empty and the sheets are folded neatly. Is he late?

He shifts slightly under the covers so he can see what’s going on near the door. He sees Atsushi and Akutagawa talking, their eyes never meeting and their ears red. It almost makes Dazai snicker.

He remembers last night after his birthday when he had gotten Chuuya’s gift. He had seen Atsushi rush in with the reddest face imaginable, trying his best to cover it with his hands. Atsushi had quickly climbed on top of his own bed and let out the longest of groans.

Atsushi-kun , Dazai had asked, everything okay?

I did it…

Did what?

I kissed him.

What?

I kissed Akutagawa.

WHAT?

… on the cheek.

And?

He hates meeee! Atsushi had said before flopping right on his pillow.

Dazai had also seen Akutagawa enter after a while with a completely red face, placing his book down and readying the bed for his sleep. Atsushi had been asleep by then.

How was the kiss? Chuuya had asked as smugly as possible and Dazai had laughed.

Akutagawa had dropped his phone and then scrambled to pick it back up which made the duo laugh even more.

Ch—Chuuya-san , Akutagawa had mumbled a complaint before going to sleep.

Dazai keeps watching the duo as they whisper awkwardly amongst each other. It’s all pink faces and tiny, hidden smiles in the midst of trying to step closer to each other. Ultimately Akutagawa opens the door after checking his watch and Atsushi smiles. Akutagawa hesitates just for a moment before moving closer and leaving a short peck on Atsushi’s cheek and then closes the door. It leaves Atsushi wide-eyed and blushing to the tips of his ears. His hands come up to cover his entire face.

“How sweet,” Dazai says, making Atsushi snap his head back at him.

“You were awake?”

“Had been for a few minutes.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Atsushi groans, still trying to cover his face.

“Didn’t want to disturb you two,” Dazai laughs and sits up.

Atsushi doesn’t argue with that. He sits down on the bed opposite Dazai’s and lets out an inaudible squeal before getting right up. 

“Please wake Chuuya-san up,” Atsushi says, a tiny smile somewhat evident on his face. “Both of you are late.”

He starts walking towards the kitchen and Dazai’s eyes widen. “Wait, no.”

“Yes.”

“I’m not waking him.”

“Yes, you are,” Atsushi says with more confidence and then shakes his head. “I am not going to take his wrath early in the morning.”

Dazai makes a sound that is somewhere between a whine and a sigh. “He’ll chew my hands off.” 

“He won’t.”

“No, you’re supposed to ask why ?”

Atsushi raises his brow. “Why?”

Dazai grins. “Because he’s Chuuya .”

Atsushi only smiles at him somewhat sympathetically and Dazai perks up. “Get it? I said he’ll chew my hands off because his name is—”

“Chuuya,” Atsushi sighs. “I get it, Dazai-san. Wake him up.”

With that last resort, he walks away to the kitchen and Dazai laughs to himself. God, he’s so funny. He wishes Chuuya were awake to hear that, though. He’ll have to wake him up for that. Dazai sighs. He’s stuck in a paradox.

Hesitantly, if not carefully, he climbs up to Chuuya’s bed and gazes at him drooling all over his pillow. His bright, orange hair flies in every direction possible as he lets out tiny snores with his mouth wide open.

Cute , Dazai thinks and then immediately throws the thought out of the window. He lets himself snicker, though, because it is funny to see Chuuya like that all bundled up like a baby. He pokes his head and Chuuya stirs a bit before snoring again.

“Chibi?” Dazai calls and Chuuya frowns and buries his head deeper into the pillow.

“Wake up, Chibi-chan,” Dazai tries poking him again. “We’re late for class.”

“Don’t wanna...”

“Don’t wanna what?”

“... wake.”

Dazai snickers. “Well, you have to wake up anyway. We have an early class.”

“Fuck class...”

“Well, you can’t do that, Chibi.”

Chuuya clicks his tongue in annoyance and turns the other way. To say that Dazai is shocked is probably an understatement. Usually, Chuuya would throw tantrums, scold whoever wakes him and push them off the bed. Today, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

“Chuuya,” Dazai pulls his sleeve. “Come on. You can come back and sleep after the class.”

“Nooo,”

“Yessss.”

Eventually, he does wake up. He brushes his teeth and takes a long shower before arriving for breakfast. Even though he finishes it quick enough, Dazai can’t help but notice the lag in everything he does. Chuuya isn’t like that. He’s more of a spontaneous person who doesn’t have an ounce of patience in him. He likes things fast and he loathes waiting. But, today he’s a bit different. He’s slow in the most mundane of the jobs that he usually finishes in the blink of an eye. His eyes are still droopy after the shower and he still stumbles over the table as they leave.

“Did you not sleep last night?” Dazai asks him as they walk down the stairs.

Chuuya doesn’t turn and gives him a grunt instead.

… which is not a good sign.

Almost everything about Chuuya is different today. It’s uncharacteristic of him to leave things at a grunt. He has something to say. He always does.

But, right now, he looks too tired to even form a coherent sentence, much less bear with an entire conversation. And Dazai, sort of, feels guilty for forcing him to wake up. 

They walk to the Astronomy building and Dazai pulls Chuuya away from tripping over something or accidentally body slamming another student. Eventually, he moves behind Chuuya and steers him to their class and to their seats. 

“Seriously, Chibi,” Dazai asks as they settle down. “Are you okay?”

Chuuya groans with his head against the table and Dazai sighs. 

Thankfully, Chuuya doesn’t doze off in the middle of the class… he dozes off after the class. Dazai bites his lip and thinks about his next class. It’s Biology, which means that Chuuya must also have some other class. He pokes Chuuya who opens his eyes and blinks.

“What class do you have?”

“Calculus,”

“Great,” Dazai sighs. “Just great.”

He ends up steering Chuuya to the Calculus building who doesn’t complain along the way. When they reach his class, Dazai makes sure Chuuya settles down on his seat and doesn’t immediately go to sleep.

“Chuuya,” Dazai says before leaving, “don’t fall asleep.”

Chuuya shows him a thumbs up and hesitantly, Dazai leaves.

When Dazai reaches out, all he can do is let out a tiny laugh and place his hand on his forehead. “Since when am I the responsible one?”

He walks out of the building and then enters the gates of his own subject. He checks the time on his watch and smiles even though he’s terribly late. It actually strikes him when he enters the corridor that he hadn’t checked the time properly and that he’s definitely screwed, so he rushes to get to his class and ends up banging it open. The professor looks at him with visible confusion and then raises his brow.

“And why are you this late, Dazai-kun?” he asks, leaning against the table with a book in hand.

Dazai huffs but then smiles. “Roommate problems.”

“Ah, okay.”

He grins wide at the professor who sighs and faces the board again; a clear sign that he should go take his seat before he changes his mind. And Dazai does that quick enough. He walks to the back and sits down beside his usual partner; Yosano-san.

Yosano smiles at him. “You’ve missed quite a bit of the chapter.”

“I’ll manage.”

“Which roommate?” she whispers, clearly not interested in whatever the professor keeps saying.

Dazai hasn’t met particularly genius people in his life, other than Ranpo-san. He’ll admit that his own friends are somewhat above average in most of the things, be it academics or be it simple street smartness. Yosano is not a genius, either, according to several social norms like grades. But Dazai, personally, believes that she’s no less than a genius. Why? Because she just knows everything. Being a medical student, she knows about human anatomy more than anybody. It doesn’t end at that. Dazai could ask her anything and she’d at least know a bit about it. Most of the time, she doesn’t need to listen to the professor to understand the topics. To be able to understand the functioning of something with no external help sounds tiring and Dazai doesn’t think many people are capable of that.

“Chuuya,” Dazai says, placing his bag aside. “I was helping him get to class.”

Yosano raises a brow. “Why?”

“Well, he was… sleepy.”

Yosano doesn’t say anything to that and looks back at the whiteboard. Dazai decides to finally listen to the professor too, noticing that he’s teaching something about blood groups and antigens and antibodies, etc. Dazai smiles and leans back on his chair. He knows this topic well enough and it’s one of the easiest ones he has ever learnt.

“That’s,” Yosano finally whispers again, “abnormally sweet of you.”

“What is?”

“Helping your roommate to his class.”

Dazai snickers. “Why abnormally?”

Yosano gives him a smug look. “You’re never sweet.”

Dazai gasps as quietly as possible, even bringing his hand to his chest. “I am the definition of sweet, Yosano-sensei. How could you say that?”

“Yeah, right,” Yosano snorts. “Seriously, though, why did you help him? I thought you hated him.”

“I don’t hate him.”

“Oh?”

Dazai shrugs. “I don’t. He would have definitely passed out somewhere if I didn’t help.”

For a long, long time neither of them speak. The class continues as usual and gets over right on time.

It is when the professor leaves the room that Yosano speaks, turning to face Dazai completely. “You care about him.”

Dazai blinks. “Who?”

“Chuuya-san,” Yosano grins. “You care about him so much.”

Dazai raises his brow. “I— what?”

“You aren’t denying it either.”

Dazai scoffs. “There isn’t anything to deny. I mean, I wouldn’t want him to die, if that’s what you’re saying.”

Yosano hums and tilts her head up, seemingly ignoring what Dazai had said. “So you do have a heart, Dazai-kun.”

“You’re a biology student, Yosano,” Dazai smirks. “You should know we all have a heart.”

“Quit being cheeky,” Yosano laughs. “Why wouldn’t you accept the fact that you care about him?”

“Because I don’t.” Dazai shrugs.

Liar , his brain says and Dazai ignores that. Of course, he’s lying. Of course, he cares. But saying it out loud is definitely going to make Yosano think about something else. And Dazai doesn’t want that. Because that is not true.

“Oh, you don’t care at all?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

Yosano hums thoughtfully and looks away. Dazai doesn’t walk away either. He doesn’t have any other classes so he can afford to stay there for a while before returning to an empty room. Besides, Chuuya would be out of his class soon too, so maybe he won’t be alone then.

“Say, Dazai-kun,” Yosano mumbles, her eyes still fixed somewhere out the window. “Just out of curiosity, what is Chuuya-san like?”

“What is he like?” Dazai repeats.

“Yeah,”

Dazai doesn’t think about it and says, “loud.” It’s the first thing that comes to his mind.

Yosano turns to look at him and laughs. “Loud?”

“Yeah,” Dazai snickers. “He screams at everything and his patience is thinner than a piece of paper.”

Yosano laughs. “What else? What is his favourite colour?”

Dazai hums and brings his finger to his chin. He hasn’t asked Chuuya what colour he prefers but he has certainly noticed him favouring a few over the others.

“He likes shades of red and pink,” Dazai says eventually. “You know colours like magenta, burgundy,” he counts it off his fingers, “dark pink, maroon, those shades.”

“Oh,” Yosano leans on the table, comfortably balancing her chin on her hand. “What is his favourite food?”

“He likes grapes, probably,” Dazai snickers. “But that’s based on the fact that he likes wine.” Dazai smiles and looks down at the memory. “I remember that he told me a few weeks ago about how his sister bought wine and let him have it for the first time. He got so drunk that she banned him from ever having it again.”

“Gosh, I feel bad for him.” Yosano laughs along. “Does he have any hobbies?”

“He likes poetry,” Dazai says, playing with the hem of his shirt. “I don’t know if he writes himself or not, but I know that he loves haiku.”

“Is that so?” Yosano asks with a fond smile. “He has a sister?”

They talk for so long that Dazai completely loses track of time. It’s already evening when he finally glances at his watch and his eyes widen. Yosano notices the time too and sighs. “Well, I have a class soon. You?”

“No,” Dazai says and gets up.

Exiting the building, they say their goodbyes and Dazai walks first towards the Calculus building. He does not trust Chuuya to not fall asleep and actually make it to their dorm in one piece. He reaches outside the door and takes a small peep to find the class empty. Chuuya isn’t there either, sleeping on the table or something. Dazai frowns and walks out of the building. Perhaps he went back to the room on time.

“Chuuya-san never came back,” Atsushi shrugs, leaning against his pillow with his book propped open in front of him. “I thought he might have a class till evening.”

Dazai frowns. “But, his class got over hours ago.”

It doesn’t make any sense. Dazai knows that Chuuya doesn’t have any other class left for the day. Where can he possibly go?

“Maybe he’s at the library,” Akutagawa says, trying to look at him from above the frames of his glasses. “I did see him leave his building after Calculus and enter the adjacent one. Perhaps he went to the library.”

Dazai scrunches his nose at that. “Library? Chuuya? To do what?”

“Read?” Akutagawa tries.

Dazai laughs. “Chuuya doesn’t read, Akutagawa-kun.”

Akutagawa shrugs and eyes his books again. Dazai looks at Akutagawa and then at Atsushi above his bed. Is neither of them concerned about Chuuya’s whereabouts? Sighing, Dazai walks back to his own bed and sits down. Where could Chuuya go after his classes? Wasn’t he tired? Shouldn’t he have come back and gotten some sleep? Dazai looks down, dangling his legs at the edge. Where do people go after their classes after the sun sets? Well, Dazai knows that most of them visit their friends, but does Chuuya really have friends other than them here around the campus? Dazai frowns. Does he really have other friends? Why didn’t he say anything about them?

It’s futile, Dazai thinks as he sighs and gets up. “I’m gonna go tell him that it’s late.”

“Oh,” Atsushi smiles. “Are you worried?”

“No,” Dazai says, picking his phone. “Why would I be worried?”

“No reason.” Atsushi shrugs and Dazai swears that he had seen him and Akutagawa share a knowing glance.

Dazai walks through the empty corridor of the building, his footsteps echoing as he takes each step forward. Of course, the corridor is empty. Unlike a certain somebody, everyone else had been smart enough to go back to their dorms after sunset. Dazai groans. He doesn’t even know why he’s doing this.

He knows for a fact that he’s not that big of an asshole to leave Chuuya lying somewhere without a care. And he isn’t sure if he even is in the library. But, if it turns out that he isn’t there, then that would make him worry. Dazai bites his lip and quickens his pace. He remembers how exhausted Chuuya had been in the morning. He wouldn’t be particularly surprised if he finds him lying somewhere, soundly sleeping without any regard of the time or such. 

… Well, then someone would have to bring him back to the dorm, right? 

Dazai opens the library door quietly and peeps in. He doesn’t see any students and slightly panics. He enters the room anyway, deciding to look more carefully for him. The librarian is already packing up, he notices, and decides to ask her. She nods and points near one of the sections and Dazai smiles and thanks her. 

Dazai loves visiting the library. The sweet scent of the old books manages to calm him every time. Dazai had spent a considerable amount of time inside the large room in the few years he had been there, carefully flicking the fragile pages of the hardcover books and tracing his finger over the polished wooden shelves. There is this enthusiasm that he feels every time he sees a new book within his favourite shelves and, even momentarily, he feels content simply sitting down and reading it. Words, he feels, are powerful. But words, he knows, are never enough.

As he reaches closer to one of the shelves, he ends up smiling and sighing in relief when he sees a familiar tuft of orange hair, lying on the table. Chuuya looks ever the same while he dozes, with drool dripping down his chin as he snores lightly. Dazai walks closer and stops to eye the large table, almost hidden with the books that are sprawled about. 

He checks the cover of a book and realises that it’s about finances. But, Chuuya hasn’t taken any subject related to it. There is a book on Psychoanalysis and another about Astrophysics. There’s one on Psychological disorders which is open conveniently at the chapter on Stress-Related Disorders. 

Had Chuuya been trying to multitask through all the subjects in one night?

Dazai kneels and looks at Chuuya who’s sleeping rather peacefully. Dazai opens his mouth, intending to wake him so they can go back to the room, but he cannot come up to say it. It is under the bright lights of the ceiling that Dazai notices the dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in days. Biting his lip, he stands up. He feels sort of guilty for waking him up in the morning and he doesn’t want to do it again. He sighs and looks behind to see the librarian and asks her if the books Chuuya had taken were issued or not. When she says that they are, in fact, issued, Dazai smiles and asks her for a bag to carry the books back.

He closes the books carefully and fills the large bag that she provides. Then he looks down and breathes out a long, deep sigh.

Dazai did not expect Chuuya to be heavy. He’s so tiny, how can he possibly be so heavy? He lets Chuuya’s arms wrap loosely around his neck, with his head resting on his shoulder as Dazai adjusts him on his back. Even though he had haphazardly heaved Chuuya on his back as well as adjusted his hold on the large bag, Chuuya still hadn’t woken up. His eyes open once before closing again as he rests his head on Dazai’s shoulder.

“Comfortable, are we?” Dazai snickers before walking out of the building.

He has to cross the grounds and the gates to reach their dorms and he sighs. He adjusts his grip once again and walks to the gate.

“Oh wow,” he hears behind him and risks a glance.

Yosano grins at him. “This is completely normal, huh?”

Dazai smiles, narrowing his eyes. “He fell asleep in the library. I don’t think he’ll wake up anytime soon, so I’m taking him back before he’s locked inside the room or something.” He raises his brow. “What are you doing here, though?”

“My class just got over,” she says, showing him the book she had been holding. “You know you could just wake him up, right?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

Dazai keeps walking as Yosano tags along. “He’s exhausted. Quite honestly, I think he’s burnt out, you know, with the exams and everything.”

Yosano hums and keeps walking. She bites his lip. “You want help?”

She points at the bag he had been holding and he gives it to her. It lowers his burden by only a little, but it’s okay. They walk out together and finally reach the dorm building. Now, all Dazai has to do is climb up two flights of stairs with Chuuya on his back.  

He tries, of course, but it’s not easy. He starts breathing quite heavily by the time they reach the first floor. Yosano follows him with the bag, not quite finding it difficult herself.

“Dazai,” she says when they pause for a few seconds, “just wake him up. It’s too hard to climb up like this.”

Dazai smiles at her. “It’s just another flight. It’s fine.”

Yosano doesn’t argue. Perhaps because she knows that she won’t win against Dazai and his sheer stubbornness. She sighs in defeat and they walk again. Dazai climbs carefully. He has two reasons for that. One is so Chuuya won’t wake up. Second is so that he won’t lose footing and slip… that’ll be disastrous for both of them.

Ultimately, they reach the second floor and Yosano opens the door by swiping the ID card that he offers. He walks in and sees Akutagawa already asleep and Atsushi placing his textbook down on the bed as he sees the trio enter. His eyes widen when he sees them.

“Dazai-san, is everything okay? What happened to Chuuya-san?”

“He’s fine,” Dazai laughs. “Just asleep.”

He decides to walk to his bed to drop Chuuya, but he’s sure that he sees Atsushi and Yosano glance at each other. Yosano drops the bag near the table and smiles and leaves, closing the door carefully as she goes. Dazai slowly sits down on his own bed and makes sure that Chuuya lies down on the sheets. There’s no way that he can climb over the bunk with him just to reach Chuuya’s own bed. 

Dazai sighs again and stands up, stretching his aching back. He’ll let Chuuya sleep there for tonight, he thinks.

“Where will you sleep?” Atsushi asks.

Dazai points at the upper bunk and Atsushi mouths an oh .

Before going to sleep, Dazai bends and looks at Chuuya. For some reason, it really bothers him that he had overexerted himself in such a manner. Well, he knows that Chuuya had joined the campus late and that he has a lot to cover up. And he has seen Chuuya work, giving his everything without pause or hesitation. He manages to catch up every time with a proud grin. Chuuya tries. He tries way too much, solving all the problems as if they’re his own. Even so, he seems to enjoy it. He might not show it, but he cares about everything so much. He works hard for everything and it is the success that gives him satisfaction.

But, even he needs to breathe sometimes.

There’s nothing that Dazai can say to him that’ll make him stop sometimes and relax. There’s nothing that Dazai can do to help. But, perhaps, he’s willing to do what he can. So, he lays a blanket over him and smiles. “Rest, Chuuya.”

Chapter Text

Night; and once again,

The while I wait for you,

Cold wind turns into rain.

-Masaoka Shiki

Chuuya’s eyes open first to the light entering through the window. He closes his eyes immediately and tries to shield them with his hand. This has never happened before. The window isn’t that tall in their room, so the light never reaches directly to Chuuya’s bed. He opens his eyes slowly and sees that he’s much lower to the window as compared to usual. He looks up and sees that there’s a wooden board hovering above him.

It only takes him a few seconds to realise that he had been sleeping on the lower bunk instead of his usual upper one. More specifically, Dazai’s bed. He slept in Dazai’s bed last night.

But why? 

His memory is blank, if he were honest. He sits up and yawns, only to gaze at the wall beside him. This wall is different from that beside his own bed. While the wall beside Chuuya’s bed is completely plain, this one is almost completely filled with photographs. Few of them are simple polaroids while some are well-developed photographs, covering the dull wall altogether. There aren’t any pictures of landscapes or sunsets or beaches or clouds. But, there are so many pictures of the people Chuuya had seen around in the campus, the people that had seen during Dazai’s birthday.

“Ah, you’re awake,” he hears a voice behind him and turns to look at Dazai settling on the bed.

“Why did I sleep here last night?” Chuuya asks.

“Well,” Dazai shrugs, “you dozed off at the library, so I brought you back. I couldn’t exactly carry you up the bunk, so I slept there instead.”

Chuuya blinks and brings his hand over his head. He was really exhausted, huh?

“Didn’t you try to wake me up or something?” he asks.

Dazai opens his mouth and then closes it. He looks away. “No.”

“No?” Chuuya raises his brow.

“No.”

Chuuya hums and gazes at the wall. “That’s… abnormally sweet of you.”

Dazai looks back and frowns. “That’s what Yosano said.”

“Because it’s true.”

Dazai sighs and smiles. “Well, I happen to be very sweet. I carried you on my back over two flights of stairs. Also, did you know how heavy you are?”

Chuuya feels heat rush up his cheek. “I’m not that heavy!”

“You are. Very heavy.”

“You’re heavy!”

“I’m also tall, you know,” Dazai grins. “It’s justified.”

“It’s not.”

“It is.”

Chuuya huffs and looks away and Dazai laughs. What the hell? Of course, Chuuya isn’t that heavy. Last time he checked, he had weighed as much as he should, given his height. And he knows that he has been keeping it in check, eating a minimal amount of fat and everything. He frowns and looks back at the wall. 

The pictures on it aren’t of people posing for his camera or anything. Most of them are just candid shots as if the subject hadn’t realised when the picture was clicked. Even so, they are all really good, Chuuya notes, captured at the perfect moment. It isn’t easy to get a great shot without alarming the subject, with the perfect angle and lighting. Yet, the pictures do not look like they’ve been taken by the hands of a professional, but rather someone who enjoys the activity.

“What are you searching for?” Dazai asks.

“Nothing,” Chuuya mumbles. “I didn’t know you liked photography.”

“I do,” Dazai grins.

Chuuya hums and lets his eyes fall on the pictures moving to the corner of the wall. “I’ve seen a few of them around campus.”

“That’s because they all study here, Chuuya.”

“I know that, dimwit.” Chuuya sighs. “I’m just trying to recall their names.”

Dazai moves closer to the wall. “Oh?”

Chuuya bites his lip and points at one of the pictures. It is of a guy with golden hair, smiling only mildly at something. He has glasses perched upon his nose and he’s wearing a store uniform. “Kunikida?” Chuuya tries.

Dazai laughs. “Yeah.”

“Ah, the guy who’s tired of your shit,” Chuuya smirks. “I think we’ll get along pretty well.”

“I think so too,” Dazai smiles. “I think you guys can talk about your perfect partner for hours.”

“Of course,” Chuuya laughs. He points at another picture. He definitely recognises this one. “Ranpo?”

“Yeah. Great guess.”

“He finished half of the cake last time,” Chuuya sighs. “I cannot forget him even if I tried.”

“He does have that effect on people.” Dazai laughs.

Chuuya’s eyes fall on another picture. It is of the guy he had seen that day, with round glasses. “Who’s that? I saw him that day but he didn’t talk or anything.”

Dazai blinks at the wall. “Ah, that’s Ango-kun. He’s not a very… people person.”

 “Oh.”

The picture beside that one is of three guys. One of them is Ango. The one in between is Dazai. But the last one beside him isn’t someone Chuuya recognises at all. He doesn’t think he has ever seen him around either. And if he did, he doesn’t remember at all. 

So, he points at the picture and asks, “Who’s that?”

Dazai’s eyes linger on the photo for more than just a few seconds. The tiny sigh that he lets out comes with a stutter. “That’s Oda Sakunosuke. I usually call him Odasaku.” 

“Oh,” Chuuya says, blinking at the wall. “I haven’t seen him around. Is he not on campus?”

“Ah, he hasn’t been here for a while.”

“Did he leave the college?”

Dazai lets out a tiny laugh. “More like he has left the world. It’s been a year.”

It takes Chuuya a few moments to comprehend what he had said. His eyes widen just a fraction before he turns his head slowly to look at Dazai. Dazai doesn’t meet his eyes. His gaze is fixed on the picture and there is only a smile on his lips. But, his smile isn’t the usual one. It isn’t the one that he shows for every single thing, be it remotely good or bad. There is, instead, a sadness in his smile. His eyes aren’t gleaming like they usually do. There is a melancholy in them as they search the photograph for something. Chuuya cannot point the feeling out, whether it is guilt, regret or loneliness.

But, Chuuya of all people recognises the heartbreak of losing a loved one when he sees it.

He looks back at the picture where all three of them are facing the camera. While the rest of them are smiling, Dazai is grinning the widest of grins he can muster, with arms around their shoulders. He looks so happy in it. He looks happier than he did on his birthday. 

It makes Chuuya smile just a bit. “Do you miss him?”

He looks at Dazai whose wide eyes are already on him. It softens as he tilts his head slightly. “Of course, I do. He was my best friend.”

Chuuya smiles and gazes at the wall. “You guys were the golden trio then?”

Dazai laughs. “Yeah, we were inseparable back then.”

Chuuya lets out a breath, not being able to force his gaze away from the picture. It aches to think about losing a friend. He doesn’t think he can ever handle that. For the first time, Chuuya thinks that Dazai might just be the bravest person he has ever met. It’s not easy to keep smiling when it’s really hollow deep within. It’s not easy to move on.

“I wish I could meet him.” Chuuya whispers, resting his face on his tucked knees.

Dazai doesn’t look at him. But, he smiles so softly at the picture when he whispers back, “I wish you could meet him too.”

“Ah,” Dazai says, pointing at one of the pictures with wide eyes and a smile, “do you know who that is?”

Chuuya shifts his gaze to the picture and recognises the familiar orange hair. He squints. “Dazai—”

“His name is Nakahara Chibi,” Dazai grins. “He’s a special, special guy. Wanna know why?”

“Do I?” Chuuya groans.

“Yes, you do,” Dazai clears his throat. “Chibi-chan is the tiniest human being on Earth. He’s probably the eighth wonder of the world.”

The nearest object near Chuuya’s hand is a pillow. Oh well.

He throws it directly at Dazai’s face who falls back on the bed, snickering at him. Removing the pillow only slightly, he looks back at Chuuya with a grin.

“You really have to get on my nerves early in the morning, don’t you?”

“It’s a fun hobby of mine.”

Groaning, Chuuya looks back at his own picture. He isn’t looking at the camera. Heck, he doesn’t even know when Dazai had taken that picture. His eyes are on a book on the table and there’s a frown on his face. His best guess is that they had been in a class when Dazai decided to click it. How did he not even realise it?

No matter, Chuuya looks so grumpy in it, seemingly tired of whatever he had been studying. His hair is a mess, perhaps due to sleeplessness. And he’s pretty sure the dark circles under his eyes are blatantly visible.

Chuuya frowns. “This is such a terrible picture. Why do you have it mounted up there?”

“It’s not a terrible picture.”

Chuuya’s eyes widen. “It isn’t?”

 “No,” Dazai says. “I think it’s pretty nice.”

Chuuya wants to argue, but then he doesn’t say anything. He can think of all kinds of terrible adjectives for himself in the picture, and perhaps nice isn’t something that even passes his mind.

“I mean, yeah the subject is pretty terrible. But, the picture is good.”

… Of course. Chuuya ends up hitting him with a pillow again.

Dazai has the audacity to laugh again and Chuuya huffs and looks away. “Why do you have so many pictures of people?”

Dazai smiles as he sits back up again. “It’s like they say, Chuuya, if you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.”

Chuuya’s gaze stays on Dazai whose own gaze stays on the wall. He looks at them with tender eyes and Chuuya gets it. He gets that the purpose of the pictures is not to get perfect shots. The purpose is to just get the images of the people he cares about where they are themselves. So he can keep the images close to him. So that when he loses them, he’ll still have a piece with him.

Chuuya looks away.

Are you afraid of losing me, then? He thinks.

He sighs as his mind retorts to himself, are you afraid of losing him, though?

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t ask.

The classes for the day end earlier than usual. Chuuya is just honestly relieved. He’s finally getting the rest he deserves. That also means that he’s going to be heavily unproductive today, but eh, who cares? He lies down on his bed and opens his phone, thinking of scrolling through his feed for a while. Perhaps he’ll watch some videos on cute dogs and send them to Dazai. It’s practically a universally known fact now that Dazai absolutely hates dogs. And Chuuya doesn’t really understand that. How can someone hate dogs? Fearing them is something else, but hating them? 

Chuuya sighs. This isn’t the only thing he doesn’t understand about Dazai, after all.

It is when he finally gets a good video that Atsushi enters the dorm in a hurry.

“Chuuya-san!”

“Yeah?” He lifts his head to see Atsushi remove his three layers of coat and scarves.

“Could you call Dazai-san and ask him to bring a few things from the grocery store when his work is done?” Atsushi asks. “My phone is dead.”

Chuuya nods. “Fine. Write them down somewhere.”

Atsushi smiles and picks a paper from the table. For a few minutes, he keeps scribbling on it before walking over to Chuuya’s bed and handing it. “Thank you.”

“It’s alright,” Chuuya smiles and takes the paper.

This is a great benefit to them really, that Dazai works right at a grocery store. They can just let him know what they need and he can bring it as he leaves. It’s a pity, though, that they don’t get a discount because of it or anything, since he’s just a part-time worker. Even so, if it means that Chuuya can sit back and relax instead of grocery shopping, then he’ll happily take it.

The phone rings for a while before Dazai finally picks it. “Yes, Chibi-chan?”

Chuuya groans. He had forgotten about the merciless teasing he also has to endure because of this. “Get some things from the store when your job is done.”

“Things like what?”

“Write it down somewhere,” Chuuya says because he cannot trust the fact that Dazai would read his message if he sends it there. He hears shuffling on the other side for a few seconds and when it stops, Chuuya starts speaking. “We need bread, milk, sugar, tea, the one that Akutagawa likes, by the way, then we need tissues and—”

“Chuuya, give me a second, hold on,” Dazai interrupts and Chuuya hears someone else’s voice at a distance.

For a while, there are sounds of clicking of buttons and Dazai speaks. “Would you like a bag?”

Then he hums and Chuuya hears the ruffling of the large bags that they keep near the counter. It takes a few minutes and Dazai mumbles a thank you to the customer, then his voice comes clearer to Chuuya.

“Yeah, you were saying?”

“What did you write last?”

“Tissues.”

“Alright, we need eggs, flour, chocolate—”

Dazai gasps. “Are you making the cake again?” 

“No, Atsushi asked me to teach him how to bake. So, I chose cookies.” Chuuya shrugs.

“Ah, great,” Dazai says as Chuuya hears shuffling again. “I do miss those cookies.”

“Didn’t say I’m making any for you,” Chuuya smirks.

Dazai laughs. “The last time you said that you ended up making it for me anyway.”

“That was a different situation.”

“Still...”

There’s creaking of a door before it shuts and Chuuya hears sounds that he vaguely recognises as that of boxes.

“What in the world are you doing, Dazai?” he asks.

“Ah,” Dazai says. “I’m in the storeroom. Ranpo-san spilled his milkshake on the floor.”

“How… compelling.”

“Yeah,” Dazai laughs. “Give me a minute.”

Chuuya hums. A smirk forms on its own on his lips. “I didn’t know you were the responsible one there.”

“Well, what can I say, Chibi-chan,” Dazi lets out a dramatic sigh. “The store wouldn’t work without me. I am the backbone of this place.”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says. “They’ll surely go out of business if it weren’t for you.”

“Totally.”

Both of them end up snickering before Chuuya hears shuffling again. 

After that, all he hears are two loud bangs followed by a pitch silence. 

It doesn’t sound like it had been too near, but it was close enough, as far as Chuuya can tell. The sudden silence after that is what makes Chuuya’s heart beat louder against his chest.

“D—Dazai, what was that?”

For a few seconds, Dazai doesn’t speak and Chuuya feels his heart skip a beat. Sweat rolls down his forehead as he tries to hear whatever he can through the phone. Dazai is still there, Chuuya knows that. He can hear his ragged breaths.

It takes a few more seconds for Dazai to finally speak. “I think we’re being robbed.”

“What?”

Dazai’s voice lowers considerably. “I can’t see from here. I’ll have to go nearer.”

“What!” Chuuya screams and it catches Atsushi’s attention from the kitchen. “No. Are you an idiot?”

“I wouldn’t know what’s going on till I go and check.”

“It’s too risky.”

“I know.”

Chuuya hears the creaking of the door again and then comes slow footsteps along the tiled floor. There is no other sound that can assure him of what is going on there. Impatient, Chuuya gets off the bed and climbs down, the piece of paper still crushed in his tight grip. Atsushi walks closer and leans against the headboard of the bed and keeps watching as Chuuya paces across the floor.

It isn’t the fact that Dazai is a moron for taking the risk that is bothering him. It is the lack of information about whatever that’s going on that bothers him. Chuuya knows that the bangs he had heard weren’t probably anything serious. They didn’t sound like gunshots. They sounded more like breaking of the doors as if someone had kicked them open. Even so, the pitch silence in the store, makes Chuuya become uncomfortably aware of his racing heart.

“Dazai?” he tries.

“I’m here,” Dazai whispers. “And I was right. The store’s being robbed.”

“Can you see them?” Chuuya asks, the paper in his palm now almost torn. 

“A little,” Dazai says. “I need to get closer.”

Chuuya sighs. “Where are you right now?”

“At the grocery store. Are you not listening, Chuuya?”

Chuuya has an urge to smack him through the phone. “I meant which aisle are you at, you stupid fuck!”

“Ah,” Dazai pauses. “Milk.”

“Right,” Chuuya says and thinks back to when he had gone there. That means that Dazai is at the right edge of the store, near the frozen goods. 

“Maybe get nearer to the freezers,” Chuuya bites his lip. “I think there’s a better view of the main counter from there.”

“Aww,” Dazai says and Chuuya can feel the grin from there. “I didn’t know you stalked me from there, Chuuya.”

Chuuya sighs and places his fingers on the bridge of his nose. “Dazai, do you really think this is the time for your jokes?”

Chuuya hears low snickers before the tiny footsteps sound again. After a pause, he hears whispers that aren’t directed to him. Something in the lines of, please go right from here and wait inside the storeroom till things settle.

Perhaps he had seen someone there and alarmed them of the situation. That’s good, Chuuya thinks, the civilians in there must be saved.

“Dazai,” Chuuya says. “Should I call the police?”

“Yeah.”

Thankfully Akutagawa enters the room on time and Chuuya waves at him to step closer. Raising a brow, he closes the door and walks towards him. They don’t have a lot of time in hand, so Chuuya simply tells him to dial the police. Akutagawa’s eyes widen, but he opens his phone without hesitation and dials.

“What should I tell them?” he asks as the phone rings.

“Tell them that the grocery store behind the area is being robbed.”

“W—what?” he almost drops the phone before regaining himself.

Atsushi’s eyes widen. “And Dazai-san is in there?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says. He shifts his attention back to the phone. “Dazai, are they armed or something?”

“Yeah,” he whispers. “Guns.”

“Fuck.”

By that time, the station picks the call and Akutagawa starts talking. After he’s done, there is a pause and then he looks at Chuuya. “How many are there?”

Chuuya asks Dazai and puts him on speaker who waits for a few seconds before answering. “About five from where I can see. But, I’m sure that they’ve got at least one more outside the front door.”

Akutagawa nods and continues speaking to them. Dazai suddenly whispers again. “Tell them to enter through the back. The door is unlocked and it leads directly to the storeroom. I didn’t see anyone standing outside that door, so I’m assuming that they don’t know about it.”

“Okay,” Akutagawa says before continuing with the details.

Chuuya sighs. “Dazai, where are you now?”

“Near the fruits.”

Chuuya clicks his tongue in annoyance. “You went closer?”

“Yeah.”

Chuuya groans. He doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like this one bit. The fact that they are armed, makes the situation worse than he had initially thought. “Dazai. Stop. Just—”

“Chuuya,” Dazai sighs. “There were people near the counter when I left. My coworkers are right there. I have to see.”

Chuuya bites his lip and doesn’t say anything. He understands what position Dazai is in right now. If Chuuya had been in his place, he probably would have done the same. But, that isn’t to say that he doesn’t feel nervous about the whole situation. And he doesn’t have the time and he doesn’t care about the fact that Dazai is his annoying roommate that he doesn’t like. This is about his life and Chuuya isn’t insensitive enough to not care about that.

For a few seconds, there is no sound, then there is a rapid shuffling. And after that, comes the loudest bangs Chuuya had ever heard through the call and a loud shriek, and the paper crushed in his hand falls.

“Dazai!” he calls out the same time Atsushi screams his name too.

Chuuya can hear his ragged breathing against the phone. His heart hammers against his ribs and the grip over his phone increases. “Dazai, what happened?”

“They shot a kid,” Dazai whispers.

“What?” Atsushi asks, mostly because Chuuya cannot form words.

“Yeah,” Dazai continues. “But, it’s okay. I don’t see blood.”

Something is… wrong. Dazai’s voice is lower than it had been this whole time. And by low, Chuuya means extremely low. The shuffling sounds he had heard earlier had been quick. Way too quick for someone who’s walking. And now, Dazai’s breath is heavy and fast.

It confirms Chuuya's doubts when Dazai says, “my phone’s about to die. I’ll have to end the call now.”

 “But, Dazai-san—” Atsushi says before he’s interrupted.

“It’s okay. I’ll see you guys later, okay?”

Atsushi looks at Chuuya helplessly and Chuuya sighs. “Fine.”

And he ends the call.

“There’s a gun on his head,” Chuuya mumbles before sitting on the bed.

“Wait, what?”

Chuuya sighs and bends, letting his head rest in his hands. He has a headache. “That’s why he wanted to end the call quickly. The moron ran ahead to save the kid from the bullet.”

Atsushi gasps. “Does that mean—?”

“I don’t know.”

Chuuya doesn’t know. 

And the wait till everything is okay is awfully painful.

It is after hours of refreshing the news on Atsushi’s phone that the news finally comes of the robbery at the grocery store. Atsushi gasps and reads it out for the others as soon as it comes up.

“The police reached there on time. They’re saying that there are no deaths, but three are injured. One is an eight-year-old boy, the other two are adults, both college students.”

Chuuya stands up quickly at that. “No names?”

“No names.”

“Fuck.”

For a while, none of them speaks. Atsushi keeps scrolling in hopes of new information. Akutagawa sighs and walks to his bed. He pulls out his scarf and coat. “Let’s go there.”

It is January; the coldest time of the year. Wearing even three layers of clothing doesn’t feel enough, sometimes. The scarves do little to save one’s neck from the cold. There isn’t any time for grabbing hats or caps, so they run out the gates and rush till they reach the grocery store. There are police cars and fire trucks and ambulances lined across the streets. At the dark hour, after there is no sun in the sky, all the red and blue lights are simply blinding to the eye. There’s so much sound, the sounds of the siren, sounds of people talking on the phone, sounds of reporters, sounds of nurses and police running from one place to another. It’s overwhelming to simply stand there and watch as things unfold in such a haphazard manner. And Chuuya’s anxiety does nothing to help.

The three of them decide to split up to search for Dazai amongst the people. Chuuya hurries without hesitation and enters the area, letting his eyes fall on every person there is, in hopes of spotting a certain brunet. The first recognisable person he sees is Kunikida whose head is being bandaged by a nurse. It isn’t anything serious from where Chuuya sees, but now he knows that Kunikida was one of the college students that was injured. Forcing his gaze away, he keeps walking and sees Ranpo sitting inside one of the vans with a blanket over his shoulder. Of all the people, he looks the least shaken.

Chuuya keeps walking. Taking another turn, he halts beside one of the vans. At a distance, beside a tree, there is another van. The backdoor of the van is open and inside, he can see Dazai sitting with a blanket over his shoulder. His hand is outstretched towards the nurse who’s wrapping a new set of bandages over it. He smiles at her when she asks him something and then answers it. Chuuya cannot hear what they’re saying. He doesn’t care. He lets out the breath that he had been holding for so long. 

He was right. Dazai did get injured after all. The gunshot he had heard over the phone, it did hit him…

As she continues wrapping, Dazai shifts his gaze and it falls on Chuuya. For a moment, Dazai’s eyes widen and he mouths his name before blinking out of his trance. 

And Chuuya runs.

He runs towards Dazai who opens his mouth to speak. “Chuuya, what are you doing her—” before Chuuya pulls him closer. He embraces him, with arms tangled around his neck and his grip tight on Dazai’s shirt. And Dazai freezes. For a moment, he doesn’t do anything before his arms come up to hug him back.

“Moron,” Chuuya mumbles against his shirt and Dazai lets out a tiny laugh.

And Chuuya realises that he is. He is terrified of losing Dazai.

Chapter Text

Loneliness

After the fireworks

Stars’ shooting.

-Masaoka Shiki

“We’re never talking about this again!” Chuuya had screamed at Dazai once they reached home that night.

It was out of the blue, even for Dazai who holds pride in the fact that he can predict Chuuya the best. Back then, his hands gripped Dazai’s shirt and collar so tightly, so desperately as if he had feared something worse. And that was what made Dazai hug him back with the same intensity.

Dazai isn’t afraid of dying and that is no news. Of all the things, it is living that is harder to understand than death for him. And yet, it was when Chuuya embraced him that he realised that he didn’t, in fact, want to die like that. He had seen the way Atsushi had cried when he and Akutagawa finally arrived there. He had seen the way Akutagawa had sighed in relief. The faces of panic and fear of losing someone like him made him feel like he could just cry right there on Chuuya’s shoulder. Even after several seconds and minutes had passed, Chuuya’s hold never slacked. That alone made Dazai’s mind repeat it again and again.

Not yet. Not yet.

Dazai gets periodic messages from Kunikida who swears he doesn’t care about him. He asks about his injuries and Dazai feels warm inside. Yosano, from her own sources, gets to know and texts him about it. It had all happened quite a few days ago and yet it is the topic of gossip amongst the campus. Even the professors come up to ask Dazai if he’s okay. He smiles at them most of the time.

Of course, he’s not okay. Even Dazai had been scared that day and he doesn’t even want to think of what might have happened if he hadn’t gone to the storeroom on time. 

He shakes his head at that. It’s okay. He’ll forget about it eventually.

Yosano sends him another text and he blinks at his phone. It’s a picture of a puppy. Apparently, her parents bought one and she’ll get to meet him the next time she goes there.

Isn’t he adorable??? She writes and Dazai frowns.

… sure.

Ahaha I know you hate them.

I do. I really do.

Well, dazai you’re a weirdo

Yeah yeah, I've heard that quite a bit.

Just a bit?

He ends up snickering and sends her an emoticon to end the conversation. He clicks on the picture, though, and sends it to Chuuya. He likes dogs, doesn’t he?

He’s the living contradiction of Dazai, after all. Everything about the two of them is drastically different. Chuuya says that sometimes, about how different they are and that he doesn’t understand that. Again, Dazai has different opinions on that as well. He doesn’t not understand it. He sees their differences. Granted, sometimes he doesn’t get Chuuya’s intentions and opinions on several factors. The differences in them are balanced across a seesaw at two extremes. Like how Dazai is a morning person and Chuuya is a total night owl. Like how Chuuya cries over dogs (and demands that he hadn’t cried) while Dazai obsesses over cats. And the list doesn’t end there. Their preferences over a lot of things like beverages, food, colours, people, all differ in various degrees. Heck, even their heights differ drastically. Dazai snickers at that. Chuuya would probably try to punch him if he said that. 

But, the thing is that they’re not all that different. There are a few things that both of them have similar opinions about. Like how much they both care about their kouhais. How much they crave to just fit in. How much they fear being left alone…

“What are you thinking?” Dazai hears someone speak and snaps his head back at the voice.

He sees Chuuya’s head dangling from the bunk, his bright hair falling down with gravity as he looks at him upside down. His expression changes almost immediately and he snickers.

“Aww, did I scare you?”

“No,” Dazai says, looking away. “Just didn’t expect that.”

Chuuya laughs and pulls his head back before climbing down the ladder. “What are you being so emo about?”

“Emo? Me?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says before settling down on his bed. “You’ve been staring at the wall for the past fifteen minutes with a weird face.”

“I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“You mostly.”

Chuuya raises his brow. “Me?”

“Yeah,” Dazai grins. “About how scared you were two nights back when—”

“Oh, shut up,” Chuuya says before swinging a pillow at him.

Dazai is used to that. He catches it with ease and laughs.

Chuuya groans and turns away. “I wasn’t scared.”

“If you say so.” Dazai laughs. He perks up and looks at Chuuya. “Ooh ooh, I sent you something. Where’s your phone?”

Chuuya looks back at him and frowns. “Is it something weird?”

“No,” Dazai laughs. “I would never send anything weird.”

“Understatement of the year,” Chuuya says before standing up. 

He stretches his hand over his bed and tries to grab his phone, standing on his toes. It makes Dazai snicker but he turns away. When Chuuya finally gets hold of his phone, he opens it and sits back down. Dazai watches as he clicks something and scrolls. He expects him to smile or even say something, but a shocked look is perhaps not something he had anticipated.

Chuuya’s eyes widen and he scrolls on his phone a lot more… aggressively. “What?”

Dazai looks at him with a raised brow and Chuuya doesn’t look back. He keeps scrolling for a while before gasping.

“What happened?” Dazai asks because he cannot just wait for Chuuya to get over his shock and tell him.

“I,” Chuuya clicks on something and places his phone near his ear. “I have like twelve missed calls from Ane-san.”

Dazai blinks as Chuuya clicks his tongue and removes his phone. “And now she’s not picking.”

“Maybe she called you by accident,” Dazai shrugs.

“Twelve times?” Chuuya asks, exasperated as he taps on his phone again.

After a few rings, he removes the phone again. Dazai bites his lip. “Chuuya, you’re panicking.”

“Of course, I’m panicking!” Chuuya yells. “What if something happened?”

Dazai opens his mouth but hesitantly closes it. Hearing the commotion, Atsushi and Akutagawa walk out of the kitchen, seemingly unsure of what happened. Chuuya keeps trying to contact his sister, but each time she doesn’t pick, he becomes more frustrated and his panic keeps increasing. 

Dazai has seen this many times; Chuuya’s panicked state. He is the kind of person who panics before thinking about the situation. He lets his anxiety take charge each time and it always, always leaves him disoriented. But, Dazai also knows how well Chuuya manages to handle the situation nonetheless. And Chuuya doesn’t need a reason to be anxious. It can be because of a mere test or one of Dazai’s plans he desperately doesn’t want to follow. A lot of things make him worry, but he grins through most of them and manages to get out of a particularly sticky situation by himself.

But, this is about his sister.

And it isn’t like Dazai can say anything about it to make him feel a bit more relaxed. Not when Chuuya is panicking so bad.

“She never calls just like that,” Chuuya mumbles, trying to call her again for the fourth time. “Especially if she needed to call me so many times then it must be an emergency. Why did I not hear my phone? Was it on silent? How did I not realise? I—”

“You were sleeping, Chuuya,” Dazai says.

“Still!”

Dazai sighs as Chuuya removes the phone once again. Dazai glances at Akutagawa and Atsushi who seem to have caught on. Akutagawa pulls his own phone out and dials a number. He waits with it near his ear as it rings for a few minutes. But, then he frowns and pulls the phone away.

“Gin isn’t picking up either.”

… And that doesn’t help Chuuya’s anxieties one bit.

Dazai senses that almost immediately, the look of someone who is about to jump to the worst of the conclusions to exist. 

“Chuuya,” he says quickly. “Let’s do one thing. Instead of calling her again and again, let’s wait for her to call you back.”

“But—”

“Let’s just wait for a few minutes.”

Chuuya opens his mouth to argue but ends up sighing in defeat. Clutching his phone near himself, he looks down, tapping his feet against the bed, waiting.

Dazai isn’t good at this. He isn’t good at reassuring people. He isn’t good with people and emotions in general. He doesn’t know what to do in this situation. He knows that Atsushi is better at these things, far more than perhaps anybody in the room, but even he seems to be at a loss for words. 

“Chuuya,” Dazai says anyway. “Breathe. It’ll be okay.”

Chuuya hums and keeps his gaze down. They have to speak something. Anything. Silence is not a friend to someone who overthinks. Silence doesn’t allow them to think straight. It creates delusions that are often heavily tangent from reality. It makes the person suffer from inside and they keep suffocating till they get an answer. 

But before Dazai decides to say anything, Chuuya’s phone rings. It catches his attention immediately as Chuuya frantically opens his phone and attends the call.

“Ane-san?”

Dazai cannot hear what the person on the other end is speaking, but he knows that it is a female voice.

“Gin?” Chuuya asks and it gains Akutagawa’s attention. “Were you the one who called me earlier?”

There is a pause after which Chuuya speaks. “Why through Ane-san’s phone?”

It takes another moment of pause as the room is filled with a sense of ominous silence. Chuuya’s grip over his phone tightens as he asks low, “What kind of emergency?”

The suspense makes Dazai hold his breath. He watches how Chuuya’s eyes widen a bit and he hums. And Dazai knows that he isn’t imagining the tremble in his voice. “W—which hospital?”

Dazai glances at Atsushi who gives him a quick look as well. A sudden emergency and hospital. It doesn’t take a genius to know that it doesn’t sound very good. And it doesn’t take a particularly long time for Dazai to guess that a lot of factors perhaps lead to a road accident. 

And Dazai hates it when he’s right, sometimes.

When the call ends, Chuuya abandons his phone over the bed and brings his hand up to his head. He closes his eyes tightly and keeps rubbing his forehead, sighing and letting his head sink further.

“Chuuya-san...” Atsushi asks.

“Accident,” Chuuya says. “Car crash. She, uh, usually has work on some Saturdays. And on the way,” he sighs and bends even more. “I have a headache.”

Dazai bites his lip. “Atsushi-kun, bring some water.”

Atsushi nods and rushes to the kitchen immediately and brings back a glass of water that he hands to Chuuya. Chuuya takes it and smiles at him before gulping it down entirely. Akutagawa walks down the bed near them too, without saying anything.

“Gin,” Chuuya says, looking up, “she said her phone’s dead. That’s why she called from Ane-san’s phone. She’s at the hospital right now.”

Akutagawa nods at that and looks down. “Which hospital?”

“The one near her office. It’s hours away from here. I think I’ll have to take a bus.”

Dazai frowns. With the condition he is in, would it be okay for him to travel alone by bus? Perhaps not. The kind of mindset he has right now makes him vulnerable. And who is to say that his anxiety wouldn’t grow worse on the bus with no one to reassure him. What if he has a panic attack in there with no one to help? Dazai groans inwardly. He doesn’t want to let Chuuya go alone.

Akutagawa, thankfully, speaks up about it. “Chuuya-san, I don’t think you should go alone.”

Chuuya looks up again but doesn’t speak. Akutagawa continues. “I’ll feel better if you’d have company. I can drive you there.”

“Drive?”

“I have my license. And my house is nearby. I can drive us till the hospital.”

Chuuya sighs. “No. It’s too far. I can’t ask you of that.”

“But, I’m willing to help.”

“It’s hours away, Akutagawa. It’s okay, I’ll manage.”

Atsushi moves forward and immediately speaks up. “Chuuya-san, I think he’s right. It’s a day off anyway, I’ll come along.”

And before Chuuya can argue about it, Dazai decides to speak, clapping his hands together. “Great. Let’s all go together.”

“But—”

“You can’t fight me out of this one, Chuuya,” Dazai smiles.

And Dazai’s glad that he doesn’t fight. Quite honestly, he’s just relieved. Something makes him want to keep Chuuya at an arm’s length. Something makes him want to look back at him again and again just to make sure that he’s there, as if he’d break if Dazai isn’t careful enough.

And Dazai doesn’t know what this newfound feeling is.

Tugging on their coats and scarves, they enter Akutagawa’s car. It is snowing outside, Dazai notes, and the cold just keeps increasing every day. It’s warmer inside the car, but somehow not warm enough. Even so, Dazai decides to take the backseat, with Chuuya while Atsushi takes up the front beside Akutagawa who starts driving. Chuuya had sent him the location which is assumed to be about two hours away. So they settle down comfortably for the long ride, but Dazai can’t help but glance at Chuuya from time to time who looks out the window.

For a moment, Dazai thinks that he’s looking at the snow, but then immediately realises that he isn’t. He doesn’t even want to look at it.

Dazai turns his head away and looks out his own window. He doesn’t watch the snow, either.

An hour passes easily. Nobody has anything to say. There are only the subtle glances that Atsushi gives periodically through the rear mirror that gets no attention. Chuuya doesn’t speak and he doesn’t stray his eyes away from the window.

“Akutagawa,” Atsushi says eventually. “Did you take your medicine today?”

Akutagawa’s eyes widen just a bit. “No. I think I finished it yesterday.”

“You’ll have to buy more then.”

“Yeah.”

Akutagawa bites his lip and looks out the window searching for something. When he finally spots a pharmacy, he stops the car and turns. “Chuuya-san, is it okay if I make a quick stop here?”

Chuuya looks back for the first time in a while and smiles. “Of course.”

“Sorry,” Akutagawa says before opening his door. “It’ll just take a few minutes.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Atsushi joins him as they walk across the road to reach the pharmacy on the other side of the bend. Dazai sighs and looks at Chuuya who faces the window again. There are so many things that are going on inside his head and Dazai can feel it. It must be a mess in there, filled with emotions and feelings he has no control over. Dazai knows that it must be painful. It doesn’t surprise him to the least that Chuuya prefers to close himself off for a while. It doesn’t surprise him that he isn’t talking or looking at him. But, what makes Dazai’s eyes widen is when he sees a tear roll down Chuuya’s cheek slowly.

It is soundless and Dazai is sure that he wouldn’t have noticed if he weren’t already looking. He groans inwardly. He really doesn’t know what to do.

So he does what Chuuya did for him days back.

He places his hand on Chuuya’s head and turns it slowly, pulling the boy closer to him. He brings both of his hands to hold him against himself.

Chuuya freezes in his hold. “Dazai…?” He tries to pull away, perhaps confused about what is happening. 

“I won’t look,” Dazai whispers and gently wills Chuuya’s head to rest on his shoulder.

Chuuya doesn’t squirm out of his grasp. He doesn’t hit him or push him away. He doesn’t complain. Instead, he brings his own hands up and grips Dazai’s shirt in his tight fists.

“I—” Chuuya says, burying his head in the crook of Dazai’s neck. “First the whole thing with the store happened. And now this. I—” his grip tightens considerably and Dazai can feel the warm drops of tears that drench his cloth, “my heart can only take so much...”

It makes Dazai’s eyes widen and his hold on Chuuya’s back increases. For some reason, Dazai wants to pull him closer. Closer than he already is. He hadn’t expected Chuuya to say that.

“I can’t,” Chuuya says again. “I can’t lose her. She’s my only family. I don’t think I’ll be able to live without her.”

And Dazai is left speechless. He wants to speak. He wants to reassure Chuuya. He wants to comfort him. But, what could he possibly say? After all, you cannot pour water from an empty cup. 

Dazai lets out a tiny sigh. He has to say something…

“Chuuya,” he says, hating his voice for betraying him at the time of need. “I—I cannot promise anything. I can’t say that she’ll be perfectly fine when we get there. And I promised that I won’t lie to you,” he lowers his voice, unsure of the words he’ll say next. “But, I can promise that I’ll be right there while you go through it. We all will be.”

He feels Chuuya tense up against him and Dazai lets his hand run through his hair. “So, for now, if you want to cry it out, then do it, Chuuya.” 

And Chuuya does. He sobs and cries, clutching Dazai’s shirt tightly as he lets it out, drenching his clothes. And Dazai lets him, holding him close as he watches the reflection of Atsushi and Akutagawa settling down in front of the pharmacy as they delay walking in on them just for a little while.

When Dazai’s eyes flutter open, the first thing he realises is that the car is moving. He squints through the light and sees Akutagawa driving just as before and Atsushi checking something on his phone. He feels a heavy weight on his shoulder as he lifts his head up and sees orange tufts of hair in his vision. He realises that Chuuya had been resting his head on Dazai’s shoulder. A little glance confirms the fact that he’s in a deep sleep.

“Ah, you’re awake,” Atsushi says, smiling through the mirror. “We’ll reach in another hour. You should get some more rest till then.”

“When did I sleep?” Dazai asks and then clears his throat at the rough voice.

“You guys were sleeping when we entered the car. So, it’s probably been about fifteen minutes.” Atsushi shrugs.

Dazai hums and looks down at Chuuya. The stray tears from before are still lingering near his eyelid and Dazai has an urge to wipe them. 

“Get some sleep, Dazai-san,” Atsushi smiles. “Even you have eyebags nowadays. You need rest too.”

Dazai looks in the mirror. For the first time, he realises that he does, in fact, have dark rings under his eyes. They’re ugly and they make him look weak. He smiles at Atsushi, though and looks back at Chuuya, mostly because he doesn’t want to look at his own pathetic self right now.

Looking at Chuuya calms him a bit. It often does, as far as Dazai has noticed. Usually, it is his energy and passion that makes Dazai smile. Exhaustion isn’t a limit for Chuuya. It doesn’t stop him from laughing. It doesn’t stop him from scolding Dazai and running around the campus to catch him. It makes Dazai laugh at times too. It feels like a race against the world, sometimes, when they run around the fountain as the breeze hits them on the face. Even when Chuuya manages to catch him, he doesn’t do anything. He lightly punches him on the arm and calls him an idiot before throwing his head back and laughing. And when he’s particularly angry, he yells at him and huffs, pouting and frowning at everything he does. All Dazai can imagine at that time is a bright, orange pomeranian yelling at him. It’s an adorable thought, he knows, but then he keeps reminding himself that he doesn’t like dogs.

Seeing Chuuya cry doesn’t calm him. It makes him feel disappointed. He hates watching him like that. But, he does like watching Chuuya rest. He does like watching Chuuya take care of himself. 

And so he smiles at him and rests his own head over Chuuya’s.

Closing his eyes, Dazai lets his sleep guide him, hoping that he dreams of snow and tangerine.

The next time his eyes open is when he hears Atsushi waking him. Dazai lifts his head to look at him who had opened the car door. Atsushi smiles and points outside. “We’ve reached.”

Dazai looks down beside him and slowly nudges Chuuya.

“Chuuya?” he tries to tap his head. “We’re here.”

Chuuya lifts his head slowly and blinks at Dazai before comprehending what he had said. As soon as they get out of the car, Chuuya rushes towards the building, not waiting for the rest of them. Dazai groans, knowing that he won’t be able to stop him, and hurries to keep up. Chuuya doesn’t wait at the reception for too long. He simply asks for the room number for his sister and runs out the hall to search the corridor. Dazai runs towards the reception and picks the form that they’re supposed to fill as visitors and assures the confused receptionist that Chuuya’s with him. But, before he can start filling, Atsushi rushes and takes it.

“I’ll fill it. Go.”

Dazai doesn’t argue with him and turns out the hall. The receptionist had said that the patient is in room A103. He realises that the room is at the end of the first corridor and so walks faster to keep up. Dazai doesn’t know when he abandons walking and starts running, and he realises that when he finally reaches the end and sees Chuuya. Huffing and panting, he balances himself against the wall and looks at Chuuya for explanation.

“She’s inside,” he says. “They’ll tell us when we can enter.”

“Right,” Dazai rasps and walks towards him.

Tentatively, he places his hand on his shoulder. “Sit down for a while, then.”

Chuuya doesn’t look at him, but he walks with him nonetheless and sits on one of the chairs connected to the wall. Dazai sits down beside him. He glances at Chuuya who looks down at the tiles, his eyes and nose red.

“Did the doctor say anything about how long we’ve gotta wait?” Dazai asks slowly.

“No.”

Dazai hums and looks up at the ceiling. Everything around them is so white.

People say that black is the saddest colour. Perhaps because it is dark and perhaps because it is the additive of every other colour to exist. But, to Dazai white seems like the most depressing colour. White is the only remaining sharp crayon amidst the blunt crayons of different colours which are used so spontaneously. White is the paper that is never rather used while vibrant colours of other papers are available for the same creation. And now, white are the walls of the hospital they are sitting in. The beds, the gloves, the coats; everything is white. It isn’t the unadorned look that makes white such a sad colour, but it is, in fact, the emptiness of it. 

It is the absence of other shades which makes white so gloomy, so tiring and so dull. 

Dazai sighs. The thought makes him sadder than he already is. He looks at Chuuya who doesn’t meet his eyes. He sniffs, though, and rubs his nose with the back of his hand, looking down at the same, old, plain tile.

Dazai bites his lip. What can he say now to cheer him just a bit?

Suddenly, he smiles and faces Chuuya. “Hey, Chuuya? Do you remember that I had sent you something before we came here?”

Chuuya slowly turns his head. “Yeah...”

“Open it.”

He doesn’t frown or scream at him for joking around at such a crucial moment. Chuuya blinks instead and picks his phone out of his pocket. He opens it and clicks on something. After scrolling to Dazai’s number, he opens his chat and lets out a tiny laugh.

It makes Dazai smile wider. “It’s Yosano’s new puppy.”

“He’s so adorable,” Chuuya sniffs. “I’m gonna cry.”

“Haven’t you cried enough for today?” Dazai laughs. “Don’t cry for a dog, at least.”

“I didn’t cry,” Chuuya whispers, smiling at his phone.

And Dazai can’t help but smile back. “No, you didn’t.”

Dazai doesn’t quite know what had prompted him, but he ends up scooting closer to Chuuya, opening his own phone and showing him all the pictures of animals he can find. He starts with the pets his friends own and like to show off by sending him a number of pictures.

It starts with Poe-san.

“Is that a raccoon?” Chuuya asks, letting his face rest over Dazai’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Dazai says, showing him a particular photo of Ranpo-san playing with him. “His name is Karl.”

“I didn’t know Ranpo was a pet person.”

“Ah, Karl isn’t his,” Dazai smiles. “It’s his boyfriend’s; Poe-san.”

“Oh,” Chuuya blinks. “Well, I definitely didn't know he was a relationship kind of person.”

Dazai laughs. “Turns out he is.”

The next one on the list is their manager, Fukuzawa-san.

“That’s our store manager,” Dazai explains as he clicks a picture that Ranpo-san had sent him a few weeks ago. “He loves cats.”

Chuuya snickers at the picture where Fukuzawa-san is smiling slightly at the cat on top of his head. “That’s just cute.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Dazai smiles.

Then, Dazai opens his chats with Kenji-kun. The image he opens manages to make Chuuya’s eyes widen. “Is that— is that a cow?”

Dazai snickers. “Yeah. Kenji-kun’s family lives near a farm. That’s his own cow,” Dazai smiles at the memory. “He’s quite fond of her.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Yeah.”

Dazai realises that he doesn’t have any other images and hums. “Who else?”

“What about your gallery?” Chuuya asks. 

“My gallery?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya smirks just a bit. “Or is there something scandalous in there that you don’t want to show?”

Dazai laughs. “Oh, please. Scandalous? Me? No way.”

“Is that so?”

Dazai grins at him and opens the gallery on his phone. It’s true. He doesn’t really have anything to hide in it. He likes photography and the storage of his phone is more or less filled by his hand on it. He scrolls to the top and clicks on one of the images.

Particularly, it is of Akutagawa with a black cat on his lap as he sits cross-legged on the grass floor. There is only a tiny smile on his face as he looks at the cat, his hand near its chin.

“Aww,” Chuuya says. “So he does know how to smile.”

“It’s a rare occasion that we all savour,” Dazai snickers.

He swipes to the next picture that is of himself. Specifically speaking, it is of Dazai who is lying on the grass with about five cats over him. He’s grinning in the picture with closed eyes. Dazai remembers that day all too well. He had been pretty happy back then.

“That’s… a lot of cats,” Chuuya says.

“Yeah,” Dazai laughs. “Someone sneaked in a bunch of them during our first year. The guards were kind enough to ignore it.”

“And you had the time of your life?”

“I had the time of my life.”

“What if they had been dogs instead?” Chuuya side-glances him.

“I would have picked my suitcase and left the campus forever.”

Chuuya laughs. “Why are you so dramatic?”

“I’m always dramatic, Chibi.”

And eventually, Chuuya falls asleep again on Dazai’s shoulder. That’s good, Dazai thinks. He needs some rest. Tucking a piece of Chuuya’s hair behind his ear, Dazai smiles at him as his eyes soften. He does look rather cute when he sleeps.

“Wow,” Dazai hears a voice that makes him look up. Atsushi smiles before sitting beside him, handing him a small cup of coffee.

Dazai had been wondering where the duo had been. Seems like they were doing a coffee run. Dazai thanks Atsushi for the coffee and he smiles back in return

“You’ve really softened up for Chuuya-san, haven’t you?”

Dazai blinks. “What?”

Atsushi laughs. “You’ve got a crush, haven’t you?”

Dazai blows over the coffee and pauses. “Crush on whom?” He decides to take a sip out of it, assuming that it is a bit cooler now.

“Crush on Chuuya-san,” Atsushi says.

And Dazai ends up spitting the entire coffee out of his mouth back into the cup. “What?”

 Atsushi laughs again. “I knew it! You have a crush on Chuuya-san.”

“I—” Dazai looks at Atsushi and then at Chuuya and then back at him. “I don’t have a crush on him. What are you saying?”

Atsushi smiles at him and then looks away in a certain tease. “Oh, I’ve had enough crushes to know that this one is too. You can’t admit it because you used to hate him, right?”

“That’s not—what?” Dazai chokes on his own words. “I don’t like him that way. I—why would I have a crush on him?”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Dazai hesitates. He doesn’t know how to answer that. “I don’t know. I—don’t. I don’t have a crush on him.”

Atsushi smiles. “Alright. If you say so.”

Dazai sighs and looks away. “I really don’t.”

“Okay,” Atsushi says before standing up. He sighs. “Dazai san, I read this somewhere and you probably need to hear it.”

Dazai looks back at him and blinks. 

Atsushi smiles. “If someone makes you feel,” his eyes soften as he tilts his head, “let them.”

He doesn’t wait for Dazai to respond. Instead, he turns and walks down the corridor, leaving Dazai’s mouth open with no words to speak.

Dazai scoffs. “I don’t have a crush. Why would I have a crush?” He pouts and looks away at one of the room doors. “I won’t have a crush on Chibi. I’m waiting for a beautiful woman who’d gladly do double suicide with me. Not,” he looks down at Chuuya and ends up hesitating.

“Well, he’s not ugly,” Dazai mumbles. “But no!” he huffs and turns away.

He doesn’t see Chuuya that way. Of course, he doesn’t. Chuuya is, well, he’s his roommate. Perhaps even his friend. But, nothing more than that. Just because Dazai enjoys his company doesn’t mean that his feelings are in any way romantic.

Besides, it’s kind of difficult to imagine Chuuya as a boyfriend. He’s loud and obnoxious and practically lashes out every minor thing. He isn’t warm and compassionate. He isn’t soft-spoken or sweet. Most of the time, he is yelling and running behind Dazai for some or the other reason.

It is, although, true that Chuuya has a kind heart. He does care. A lot. He does scold Atsushi for reaching back after running through the rain. But, Chuuya forces him to sit down as he brings a towel to dry his hair, periodically yelling about how he could catch a cold. He does scold Akutagawa when he stays up at night studying for a test the next day and doesn’t go to bed till Akutagawa sighs in defeat and gets ready for sleep. And Dazai has lost count of the number of times Chuuya has scolded him.

But, now that he thinks about it, Chuuya hasn’t screamed at him only for being annoying. There have been times when Chuuya had pulled him away from the window as he tried to jump. After that, he’d scold him, call him dumb names and tell him to never do it again. Chuuya had once scolded him for breaking the microwave for trying to cook an omelette. But, it hadn’t been because Dazai was dumb enough to break an expensive appliance. Chuuya had, instead, screamed at him for burning his hand and almost electrocuting himself in the process. He had even helped Dazai wrap a bandage around his hand, all the while calling him a stupid fuck for taking such a stupid risk.

And of course, Dazai remembers the incident at the store. Chuuya had scolded him for going too near… because he cared.

Dazai supposes that if Chuuya were somebody’s boyfriend, he’d perhaps aggressively take care of them. It makes him laugh as he looks back at a drooling Chuuya on his shoulder.

Perhaps he can see Chuuya being a nice partner.

It doesn’t take a lot of time for the doctor to walk out of the room and ask for Chuuya. Dazai nudges him awake and Chuuya, a bit confused at first, lifts his head and recognises the doctor. He stands up to walk towards him. They talk for a while before he smiles and tells Chuuya that he can go and see her and that she’ll be released soon enough in a few weeks.

That’s good , Dazai thinks. That means that her injuries aren’t that serious. Chuuya thanks the doctor and glances at Dazai who smiles. There is only a tiny smile of acknowledgement that he gives back before pushing the door open and entering.

And Dazai sighs in relief before slumping in the chair. He lets his eyes close just for a while, feeling much lighter than before now.

“Where’s Chuuya-san?” Dazai hears a voice and opens his eyes.

Atsushi sits down beside him, followed by Akutagawa who places his phone inside his pocket.

Dazai smiles. “The doctor said she’s okay. Chuuya’s in there.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Atsushi says.

“Where were you guys, though?” Dazai asks, making sure that the tease is blatantly audible along.

Atsushi’s cheeks turn a little red. “Ah, we were talking to Gin-chan. She had an early class, so Akutagawa was sending her off.”

“Oh,” Dazai says. “I’ve never met her.”

“Maybe next time.”

“Yeah.”

Dazai looks back at the room door. He’ll be honest, he is curious about what is happening inside. Is Chuuya’s sister really okay? Did he see her? Is he better now? Dazai sighs. He cannot barge in just to ease his own anxieties.

But, like some god, the doctor walks towards them and asks about their relationship with the patient. Atsushi tells him that they’re friends and that they’re there for moral support. The doctor smiles at that.

“That is great. One of you can enter the room if you’d like.”

“We can?” Atsushi asks with wide eyes.

“Yes, one,” he says, adjusting his glasses. He smiles. “I think your friend would like some company. An accident ought to be traumatic for him.”

He’s right , Dazai thinks. Perhaps sending Atsushi inside would be the best option, since they get along so well. Besides, Atsushi has a rather calming presence.

Something that Dazai definitely doesn’t expect is when both Atsushi and Akutagawa look at him with gleaming eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Dazai asks.

Atsushi grins. “You should go in.”

“Wait, what?” Dazai says, sitting straighter. “Why me?”

When Atsushi hesitates, Akutagawa takes over. “You’re the only one that can cheer him up.”

“What? Since when?”

“Since always,” Atsushi says. “I’ll get too awkward if I go in and Akutagawa doesn’t talk. You’re perfect for it.”

“I,” Dazai turns to face them. “Wait, I possibly cannot be perfect for this.”

“Yes, you are,” Atsushi smiles and Akutagawa nods behind him.

Dazai pauses and squints. “You two are up to something.”

Atsushi shakes his head suspiciously fast and Akutagawa raises his brows. “We aren’t up to anything.”

“And I really don’t believe you,” Dazai smiles.

Atsushi glances at Akutagawa for a brief moment before groaning. “Dazai-san, just go. We both think he’d appreciate it if you went.”

Dazai sighs and frowns.

And Atsushi really won’t take no as an answer.

No less than five minutes later, Dazai is being pushed inside the room. He argues against it, of course, but Atsushi just might be the most stubborn person he has ever met. Add that with the next stubborn person, Akutagawa, they are simply unstoppable. Dazai groans and looks at the room where Chuuya is staring at him from beside the bed and his sister is peering from behind.

Dazai smiles. “I was forced in.”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything. It is his sister who speaks up. “Oh come in, come in.”

Dazai keeps the smile intact and slowly moves. He really is intruding, isn’t he?

“Sorry,” he says because he does feel bad. “I can leave if you’d like.”

“Don’t,” Chuuya mumbles.

He doesn’t look at Dazai and he doesn’t see his surprised look. Regaining himself, Dazai moves to the other side of the bed. 

Chuuya’s sister, or Ane-san like he calls, has the same flowing, orange hair. They even look similar to each other, except that she smiles a lot more than Chuuya. But even her smile has that childish mischief in it, just like Chuuya’s. Although, unlike him, her eyes almost match her hair; bright scarlet.

All in all, she’s beautiful, Dazai thinks.

“You must be Dazai-kun,” she says.

Dazai grins. “I’m surprised you recognised me.”

Ane-san laughs. “Of course. Chuuya talks about you quite a lot.”

Dazai perks up and looks at Chuuya who avoids his gaze. “Aww, you talk about me?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says, now looking at him with crossed arms. “About how annoying you are.”

Dazai places his hand near his chest and smiles. “I’m so touched, Chuuya.”

Chuuya rolls his eyes and looks away.

Somehow, it feels really good. The fact that Chuuya talks about him sometimes makes him weirdly content. And he talks about him so much that Ane-san could recognise him just by a glance. A selfish part of him hopes that the talks about him aren’t all that bad.

“Oh,” Ane-san suddenly says and looks at Dazai. “I heard about the robbery in that store near your campus. You work there, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

Something inside Dazai feels warm then. Even though she is bedridden with injuries over her arms and head, she still cares enough about something that happened quite back in contrast.

“I’m fine,” Dazai says, waving his hand. “The police arrived on time, so everything went well.”

Ane-san frowns. “You were in there?”

“Yeah,” Dazai laughs and shows her his arm. Even though his entire body is practically covered in bandages, the ones near his injury look different, a bit yellow and a bit red due to the medicine. He ought to redress it when they reach back.

“Oh, dear,” Ane-san gasps. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” Dazai grins. “Thanks to your brother.”

Chuuya turns to face him. “Wait, me?”

“Yeah,” Dazai laughs. “You helped me call the cops and everything. And, of course, you kept periodically scolding me for going nearer.”

Chuuya clicks his tongue and looks down. “Yeah, because you were being dumb.”

Dazai laughs again. It still feels nice that he cares. He looks down at Ane-san who is smiling at him. It is a smile laced with fondness as if she’s truly happy that Dazai is okay. And he really doesn’t think he deserves that.

Ane-san looks at Chuuya. “Can you bring me a cup of coffee?”

Chuuya blinks at her and then raises his brow. “Are you sure you’re allowed?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she waves her hand. “I asked.”

Chuuya looks at her suspiciously but then complies. He sighs and looks at Dazai. “You want any?”

Dazai blinks and smiles. “Yeah, but I can get for both, instead.”

“It’s fine.”

Chuuya gets up and walks towards the door, shoving his hands inside his coat pocket. Dazai doesn’t try to stop him, mostly because he feels like Ane-san sent him out on purpose.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Dazai sighs as Ane-san gazes at the door.

Her head turns slowly to look at him and she smiles. “He didn’t take it well, did he?”

It takes him a second to comprehend but he smiles. “No, he didn’t.”

“I see,” she says and looks down. “Did he cry?”

“He did,” Dazai snickers. “But, I didn’t tell you that.”

“Okay,” she laughs.

For a few seconds, none of them speaks. Ane-san’s eyes stay on the bedsheet over her torso. But, eventually, she looks up and smiles again. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For taking care of him,” she laughs. “I know it’s hard. He’s a handful.”

Dazai’s eyes widen for a moment. Before he can open his mouth, she continues, “I know what kind of a guy he is. He’s loud and angry most of the time,” she looks back at him and smiles wider. “But, thank you for sticking around with him anyway.”

And Dazai doesn’t know what to say to that. He looks down and hums. What can he say to her, after all?

Ane-san leans against the headrest, letting herself sit more comfortably and looks up. “Chuuya sounds happy nowadays.”

It makes Dazai look up at her and she smiles at the ceiling. “I’m so proud of him for making such good friends after such a long time.”

“You’re saying as if he has never had friends before,” Dazai chuckles.

Ane-san’s smile doesn’t waver. “He hasn’t.”

“What?”

“The ones he called friends back in high school didn’t really seem like they were,” she sighs. “All they ever did was use him. And when Chuuya needed them the most, they walked away.” She looks down this time, letting out a tiny laugh. A laugh that just sounds sad. “And Chuuya is unbelievably loyal. He always has been. And I’m not against it or anything. Loyalty is a good trait. But,” she bites her lip, “sometimes, he’s just too loyal. And so stubborn too. He’s never tried to change himself even after letting people walk all over him for so long.”

She looks at Dazai and chuckles. “But, I am a bit selfish, you know. I just really wanted him to have good friends who would care about him. Because after a certain point, I think he just stopped trying to make friends. I think he forgot what friendship is like. He has been alone for the most part of his life and in the end, no matter what I do, I can never be his friend. I cannot take that position.” And she gives him the fondest smile he had ever seen as her cheeks glow red with happiness. “You have no idea how glad I am that he has got friends like you now. I’m glad that he has people he can count on, even when he’s down and vulnerable. Thank you for that, Dazai-kun.”

Dazai’s eyes stay on her as her gaze lingers. He wants to say something. Something to assure her. Something in the lines of yes, we care about him so much . He cannot come to say it, though. Is it his ego? Well, perhaps. But, the thing is that Dazai realises for the first time that there is so much that he doesn’t know about Chuuya. He sees him every day and talks with him and shares three classes. And Dazai is proud of the fact that he knows about Chuuya quite a lot at a point that he can predict so much about him. And a part of him perhaps knew that Chuuya is loyal to the core. He has seen him self-sacrifice for the sake of others numerous times. His actions, his beliefs, his responses, everything is genuine.

It takes a liar to know a liar, after all.

But, Chuuya doesn’t lie. Not about things that mean something to others. And Dazai has seen that so much. Yet, a part of him is somehow surprised at hearing all of that. He realises the kind of loneliness Chuuya must have in his heart. A kind of loneliness that contradicts Dazai’s in every manner. A kind of loneliness that Dazai hasn’t experienced.

Perhaps that’s why it seems like Chuuya could just break if he isn’t careful enough. Perhaps that’s why he has this urge to keep him close to himself at all times…

It is when the door opens slowly that Dazai realises that he hasn’t replied yet. So, before Chuuya can reach nearer and hear him, Dazai looks down with a smile and whispers, “I’ll take care of him.”

And he doesn’t regret promising that. He watches as Ane-san smiles the widest at him and as Chuuya enters with two cups of coffee, ready with a frown about how he had to make the coffee on his own.

Dazai laughs and takes his own cup and takes a slow sip. It’s the right amount of bitter and sweet. Just the way he likes.  

Chapter Text

Let’s go out

To see the snow view

Where we slip

And fall.

-Matsuo Basho

Chuuya doesn’t do well with cold.

It isn’t that he hates winters. On the contrary, he loves watching the snowfall and he has always enjoyed playing in the huge sheets of snow since childhood. But, each time he does go out and play around, he always manages to catch a cold. Ane-san would cover him with layers and layers of clothing till he himself quite resembled the snowman he’d build, but it never really worked.

So, he can’t help but feel a little pissed when he suddenly remembers that he has to do grocery shopping while he had been so comfortably tucked inside his double blanket over a really fluffy pillow. He lets out the longest of groans early in the morning.

February is about to end and Chuuya can hardly believe that. It feels as if it were only yesterday that he had joined the college and had a heart attack when he had seen Dazai’s futile suicide attempt. It has, in fact, only been about two weeks since Ane-san’s accident. She has been discharged, but she still doesn’t go to her office. It’ll take a while for her to be able to work on her own again.

Chuuya gets up and checks his phone. It’s pretty early for him to wake up, especially on Saturday. The rest of his roommates are still fast asleep, including Dazai, which is honestly a surprise.

Chuuya has, perhaps, never woken up before Dazai… ever. Whenever Chuuya wakes up, Dazai is just already awake, smiling and grinning at everything and teasing him before he can even comprehend things. 

Slowly, he walks down the ladder of his bed and looks at Dazai who seems like he has no intention of waking anytime soon. He almost looks innocent, sleeping with his blanket quite up till his nose. And Chuuya can’t help but smile just a bit before stretching and walking to the kitchen.

His worst nightmares come true when he opens the refrigerator and finds out that they are, in fact, out of food. A trip to the grocery store becomes necessary and Chuuya hates that. It’s his turn to go shopping and he cannot even thrust the job over Dazai’s hands because he doesn’t have a shift today. Sometimes Chuuya forgets that Dazai is only a part-time worker.

So, he lets out yet another angsty groan and goes to the bathroom to freshen up. He doesn’t take that long to brush and shower, mostly because he cannot stand the cold. He walks out and grabs his sweater and coat. He’ll manage with just that for now, he thinks. It’s just a shopping trip, it isn’t like he’ll be outside for too long anyway.

He moves to the table between their beds and grabs a paper and a pen, scribbling down the fact that he’s out for groceries and that he’ll be back in a while. Plugging in Dazai’s phone on his broken charger, he shakes his head, because otherwise, Dazai would trouble him the entire day for his phone for something or the other if his own phone is as good as dead.

Chuuya walks to the door and slowly exits, closing the door as soundlessly as possible. 

It is when he reaches outside the gates that he realises that he had forgotten his scarf. Cursing himself, he keeps walking. It’s alright, he’ll get this over with quickly.

He enters the grocery store and it gets a bit warmer. A bit.

It’s a little weird to enter the store and not see Dazai grinning at him from the counter and waving enthusiastically, gaining everybody else’s attention. Today, at the counter, Chuuya notices Kunikida and Ranpo are working. He walks towards the aisles, ignoring the hushed whisper Ranpo gives to Kunikida after seeing him.

First, Chuuya visits the dairy section. Well, milk isn’t the only thing they’re out of, so he picks other things like butter and yoghurt. Then, Chuuya thinks they ought to get some fruits. Mostly, he thinks that, at least, Akutagawa must have more fruits. His weight and eating patterns give Chuuya major anxiety attacks. Then, he picks more frozen items. Having fried snacks during winter ought to cheer any of them up. 

Before leaving, his eyes wander to the canned goods section and he feels himself walk over there. He doesn’t usually buy anything canned. But, he notices that there are canned crabs and he raises his brow and picks it. It does look fresh and the price is pretty reasonable. Atsushi might be able to make something out of it, he thinks and picks two of them and places them in his trolley.

After getting a few more items on his list, he drags his trolley to the counter. The one handled by Kunikida is filled and the one handled by Ranpo is practically empty, so he moves there.

Ranpo flashes a smile at him before picking the items from the cart. 

Chuuya smirks instead. “I didn’t know you worked.”

“Well, your boyfriend doesn’t have a shift today, so the manager gave me no choice,” Ranpo laughs before scanning each item.

“Dazai?” Chuuya raises his brow and makes a weird face. “He isn’t my boyfriend.”

“He might as well be,” Ranpo says, chewing on something Chuuya guesses as candy.

He doesn’t pay heed to his words. Dazai did say that Ranpo often says whatever comes to his mind without regard. So, it isn’t like any of what he said matters.

That is until he smirks at one of the items in Chuuya’s cart. “Canned crab, huh? Dazai-kun’s favourite, isn’t it?”

Chuuya shrugs. “He does have a weird obsession with crabs.”

Ranpo hums and continues scanning, the smile not intending to leave his lips. So what? What if Chuuya’s buying crabs for him? It looks fresh and what’s wrong with trying it once in a while? Besides, it isn’t like he’s buying it just for Dazai. Perhaps it is an added advantage that he happens to like crabs so much. At least, he won’t fret around and whine like the drama queen he is about dinner.

“Ah, Yosano!” Ranpo exclaims suddenly, waving at someone who had entered the store.

Chuuya looks behind himself at Yosano who grins and walks towards them. She looks at Chuuya and smiles. “Ah, Chuuya-san. How’s your sister, now?”

Chuuya blinks at her for a few seconds and her eyes widen. “Your sister, she uh, she got in an accident, right?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya says, suddenly realising that he had been staring. “Yeah, she’s okay now. I’m just surprised you knew.”

“Dazai-kun told me,” Yosano says, walking over to the counter and entering the premises as if she is more than welcome. “He seemed pretty worried too.”

“Oh,” Chuuya shifts his gaze away.

Yosano picks something off the carts behind Ranpo and turns it around to check the price. Then, she fishes out money and places it on the counter.

“I’m keeping the change,” Ranpo says and Yosano laughs.

“Sure.”

Chuuya’s items get scanned right on time and he finishes the payment. Ranpo picks a bag from behind and shoves all the items inside, handing it to Chuuya with a grin. Chuuya thanks him and turns to leave.

“Mind if I join?” Yosano asks and Chuuya smiles.

He doesn’t mind the company.

“Man, it’s cold today,” Yosano says, placing her hands inside her coat pocket and letting her body shudder.

“Yeah,” Chuuya agrees, missing his scarf dearly. “I can’t wait for spring.”

“True,” Yosano laughs. “Not that I mind the snow, though.”

Chuuya smiles. “Yeah. I do rather enjoy the snow.”

Yosano hums and pulls the collar of her coat up, covering her cheeks as much as she can. She ends up snickering as they pass the closing library near the benches while turning the road. “Dazai-kun must be excited over so much snow.”

“He likes winters?” Chuuya asks.

Dazai had never really told him what his favourite season is and Chuuya has never really bothered to ask either. Perhaps he can handle the cold better than Chuuya can. It isn’t like Chuuya cannot handle the cold at all, but having a few more layers to cover himself is certainly better than plunging into the snow impulsively. The thing is that he cannot really imagine Dazai having to completely cover himself with hundreds of layers like Chuuya has to. But, the thought of a freezing Dazai in an oversized jacket and scarf lining the tip of his nose is simply hilarious. He’d look adorable like that, though.

Chuuya shakes his head. Dazai is not adorable. He’s a sociopath is what he is, that social misfit.

“Ah,” Yosano smiles at the thought. “Dazai-kun absolutely loves winters. Albeit the fact that the cold barely bothers him, he’d never share his jacket with anyone who might actually need it. He takes full advantage of that by throwing snow at others and watching them suffer in the cold.”

See, sociopath.

“Can’t say I’m surprised,” Chuuya mumbles.

Yosano laughs. “He only ever shares with ‘beautiful women who’d potentially do double suicide with him.’ Not that he has found any who were actually willing to.”

“With good reason,” Chuuya snickers.

Yosano laughs along and they fall into a comfortable silence. It doesn’t bother him; the silence. But, it makes him contemplate a lot of things. One of them just happens to be Dazai. Chuuya is perhaps guilty of the fact that he thinks about this quite often. And it isn’t that Dazai is a particularly interesting topic for him to ponder upon. But, there are certain things about him that bother him. There are certain aspects of him that make Chuuya pause just to stare at him. There are certain things that he says that often leaves Chuuya without a word to render.

And perhaps the part that bothers him the most is how much Dazai is fascinated by the concept of death.

Chuuya bites his lip. Yosano has known Dazai for a longer time than Chuuya has. Does she think about it too? Does it make her anxious to think that one day Dazai could just be gone without even telling anyone and there is nothing that she can do about it? Does she feel the need to hold on to Dazai just so he doesn’t disappear?

“Can,” Chuuya starts, clearing his throat, “can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Chuuya looks at her, stopping in his tracks. “Why doesn’t Dazai want to live?”

Yosano stops walking and looks back at him. She isn’t shocked to hear it. She isn’t surprised. She opens her mouth as if she knew one day Chuuya would ask, but then closes it and sighs. She still doesn’t know how to reply.

She walks towards him and looks down. “Dazai-kun… is different.”

Chuuya knows that. Dazai is blatantly obvious about it at all times.

“It’s just that,” Yosano hesitates. “Nobody truly knows why he wants to do this. He has been like this from the day we met. He never really explained why he feels this way. And I suppose no one bothered to ask.” She looks up at Chuuya and smiles and it’s just so sad. “I’m also guilty of never asking. I feel like if I had asked then I could have done something, perhaps even tried to change the way he thinks. But, now it’s just too late to ask. It’s too late to acknowledge.” She bites her lip. Looking away, she whispers, “And I think he knows that. He knows that all too well.”

Chuuya lets out a breath and looks down, unable to answer. He doesn’t know what this ache in his heart is. And he doesn’t know if it is because he regrets asking or if it is because he hates the response he got. 

“It bothers me too, Chuuya-san,” Yosano says eventually, glancing at him. “It bothers me too much.”

“And?” Chuuya whispers.

Yosano smiles and looks away again. “And it pains me that there is nothing that I or anyone can do about it.”

Chuuya enters his dorm building with a heaviness in his heart and head. And the cold does nothing to help. The duo don’t talk till they reach the dorms before smiling and waving goodbye. Chuuya sighs and climbs the final set of stairs and moves towards his room.

He picks his ID from his pocket and swipes it against the door handle. He leans against the door and it opens with a click as he enters the room. Perhaps he’d wear another sweater and make a cup of coffee for himself. He needs a little more warmth after the whole conversation.

The door opens to the loudest call of his name ever as a pair of hands grab the bags in his hand and throw them away. The same pair grabs his arm and pulls him outside the dorm and runs towards the stairs.

It takes Chuuya a few seconds to comprehend the fact that he’s being pulled by Dazai down the stairs, followed closely by Atsushi and Akutagawa who are rushing to keep up.

“What?” Chuuya asks.

Did something happen? Chuuya swears he cannot handle more than what has already happened in the span of a few months.

When they reach down the stairs, Dazai stops and huffs, letting his other hand rest against the wall. He looks back at Chuuya with the widest grin he can muster. “It’s snowing!”

Before Chuuya can argue that he needs more layers and maybe a scarf for himself, Dazai pulls him again to enter the ankle-deep sheets of snow lined over the common ground.

“Dazai, wait...”

“Come on!” Dazai grins. “Let’s make a snowman!”

Chuuya wants to scold him. The snow is terribly cold against his legs and the falling flakes resting on his face are freezing against his skin. But, Dazai is smiling so much that his cheeks are red. The tip of his nose is red but it doesn’t seem to matter to him. He’s happy. So happy.

And after all that Chuuya had heard about him, the last thing he wants to do is take that happiness away.

So, he complies with it. 

They decide to make their own snowmen in different regions. It isn’t a competition, but all of them have different ideas and they all want to make one. So, Chuuya chooses one corner of the ground and settles down on the snow. He watches as Akutagawa argues that he doesn’t do well with cold and that he doesn’t want to make a snowman. Atsushi grabs his hand and walks to his own corner.

Then stay with me.

Chuuya smiles just a bit before looking at the snow in front of him. He doesn’t have gloves. Great.

He scoops up a handful of snow and shapes it. His hands are freezing, but a part of him wants to continue if he were honest. He doesn’t want to ruin the moment and he wants to stay there for a while.

So, he picks more snow and places it over the other, cumulating them into a proper shape. He keeps doing just that in a proper rhythm. It doesn’t take particularly long for him to form the body. He starts rolling the snow to form the head now.

“Ooh, you should place a hat over his head,” Chuuya hears a voice he definitely recognises as that of Dazai. He turns to glance at him standing with his hands deep in his pocket.

Chuuya raises his brow and Dazai grins. “He looks so much like you,” his grin widens. “And you like fancy hats, don’t you?”

It’s a reflex for Chuuya at this point, to pick anything he finds near him and chuck it at Dazai. This time, it happens to be the snow.

Dazai turns just in time and dodges the attack easily. He laughs and saunters away towards a tree. Chuuya frowns and stands up, brushing his cold pants.

Dazai moves to stand below the snow-covered tree and opens his phone. The smile still on his face, he clicks on something and waits. Eventually, his smile falters and his eyes widen. 

“No,” he gasps.

Chuuya raises his brow and keeps his gaze fixed. Did something happen?

Dazai curses his phone and keeps mumbling something that Chuuya only vaguely catches.

“Shit,” Dazai curses again. “I don’t open it for two weeks and I already miss Zhongli’s banner? I collected so many fates for him!”

Chuuya feels his heart calm down. It’s just about his stupid video game. He sighs and looks down. Dazai has really ought to stop being dramatic about everything. Chuuya thinks of turning and moving back to his unfinished snowman, but then he watches as Dazai frowns and looks at the tree in front of him.

This has to take an interesting turn , Chuuya thinks and feels himself smirk.

And it does.

Dazai lifts his leg and gives the tree a brutal kick, letting out his very momentary frustration over losing a certain character on it. But, the snow collected all over the branches reacts to the agitation and ends up falling all over his head. Dazai stands still right there, blinking at what had happened, his frown completely gone.

And self-control was never Chuuya’s best trait.

He laughs. And it isn’t a short-lived one. He feels more laughter bubble up behind one and then another and it doesn’t stop. He throws his head back and clutches his stomach, losing his footing for just a moment before fixing it again. Dazai’s face is too priceless and he just cannot stop finding it hilarious.

When Chuuya finally opens his eyes, wiping a tear from under one of them, he notices that Dazai is moving towards him in a rush. In fact, he is already so much closer to him than before. And it takes him a moment to figure out how Dazai’s leg hits his own and he pushes him down over the snow. Chuuya yelps and falls over the soft snow on his back. In the attempt of grabbing something, he ends up pulling Dazai down with him.

Chuuya can’t stop laughing even after that and Dazai ends up picking the snow beside them and throwing it over Chuuya’s head. Chuuya curses with the smile still on his face and picks the snow to throw at Dazai and it hits right at the target’s head.

Dazai shakes his head and the snow spills from his head right over Chuuya again. Dazai laughs. “How dare you?” and pins Chuuya’s arms to the snow. “How dare you laugh at me, Chuuya~?”

Chuuya laughs again and opens his eyes at Dazai’s face hovering over his own. The smile is still lingering on his lips as he huffs and cold steam wafts out of his mouth. Dazai’s eyes stay over Chuuya’s and don’t move. Chuuya breathes heavily too, his eyes not moving an inch either. Eventually, their breath aligns but neither of them budges.

And Chuuya does not know why.

Dazai’s cheeks are pink and his nose is red. His soft, brown hair falls downwards, pulled by gravity. And his brown eyes glow golden with the light that reflects off the snow. He isn’t asking Chuuya for anything. He isn’t asking why Chuuya isn’t looking away. All he does is look . As if he has never seen him before. As if just watching him would answer something that is lingering in his mind. 

With all the commotion, strands of Chuuya’s hair stick to his skin and block a part of his eye. He wants to remove it. But his hands are pinned. And a part of him doesn’t want to voice his thoughts. 

As if on cue, one of Dazai’s hands moves away from his own. But, before Chuuya can move his hand, Dazai’s hand comes to brush the hair away from his skin. His touch is soft against his face as he gently tucks the hair behind his ear. And his eyes still don’t move. Neither do Chuuya’s.

Chuuya’s cheeks feel warmer than ever and he knows how red they must be by now. Dazai’s hand lingers against his skin for just a little while more than it is necessary before it moves away and Dazai’s body moves with it to fall over the snow right beside Chuuya.

Chuuya feels his cheeks heat up more and more and he turns his head to the other side. His heart is beating against his ribs with a speed unimaginable. He has never felt this way before around Dazai. He has never felt so warm and giddy near him. And he knows that it isn’t the excitement because of the tease or because of the fact that they had been throwing handfuls of snow at each other constantly. That had stopped long ago. This is something else. Something that just won’t let his heart calm down and persuades his mind to feel fuzzy. 

Dazai teases him a lot. And Chuuya is fairly used to that. But, right now, it had been something completely different. They were laughing and smiling. They were having fun. And then when it had stopped, they were gazing at each other as if looking at the night sky. And Dazai’s eyes had been laced with so much fondness. His smile had been so cute with his red cheeks. The way he played around had been so adorable.

And Dazai… he is so beautiful.

Chuuya feels his mind go blank. What even are these thoughts that are swarming all of a sudden? Gathering enough courage, he turns his head slowly to look at Dazai whose head also turns to face him. 

He is. He is so beautiful. 

Their gaze stays again like before. Dazai doesn’t budge and his eyes only blink a few times before settling on Chuuya again.

And Chuuya wants to say something. Anything.

But, it is the ring of his phone that pulls them out of their trance. Chuuya sits up and fishes the phone out of his pocket. He clicks the button and places it near his ear. He groans and ends the call.

“Stupid telemarketers,” he mumbles before placing the phone back inside his pocket.

He notices that Dazai is sitting up too, crossing his legs over the snow. Chuuya looks down and sees the snow sticking to his clothes. The warmth that had been flooding inside him suddenly vanishes at the absence of the source and now he feels colder than he already had been.

And colder is perhaps an understatement. Chuuya is freezing and he can feel himself shiver at the incoming snowfall.

“Jeez, it’s cold.”

“It is February, Chuuya. It’s supposed to be cold.”

Chuuya clicks his tongue. “I know that, fucker. It’s too cold and you just had to drag me out of our home before I could pick a coat or something.”

Dazai laughs and leans against his arms. “Sorry.”

“You don’t even mean it, asshole,” Chuuya sniffles before looking away and Dazai laughs again. “I’m totally blaming you if I catch a cold.”

Chuuya looks past his view and watches more students near the snow. They all have huge jackets and scarves lining their necks and Chuuya groans. He misses his scarf dearly.

It is when he feels a new weight against his shoulder that he turns to look at Dazai who is on his knees, closer to Chuuya. Dazai pulls his own coat over Chuuya and tugs on it to fix it.

He smiles and whispers, “don’t catch a cold, Chuuya,” before standing up and brushing his clothes.

And sitting with his body buried deep inside Dazai’s coat that feels extremely oversized on him, Chuuya feels his heart race again, and this time he knows that his heart has really, really fucked up.

And no, it doesn’t get any better. Near Dazai’s own snowman which is short as fuck, topped with a hat that he claims isn’t personifying anyone, Chuuya settles down over the soft snow again. This time, it is the scarf.

Dazai, from god knows where, brings a scarf and gently loops it around Chuuya’s neck. The wool is cold as if Dazai had pulled it out of the snowman he had decorated. But, Chuuya feels warm. Too warm. His cheeks turn redder and redder as he looks away. And it doesn’t end there.

Dazai pulls his gloves off and makes Chuuya wear them, claiming that his hands are blue from the cold.

“What about you?” Chuuya asks as Dazai settles down beside him.

He simply smiles. “The cold doesn’t bother me the way it does you.”

Chuuya doesn’t argue and ends up looking away. The black gloves covering his hands are so huge that they keep hanging low after his fingers end. They’re almost the double of Chuuya’s own hands. 

But, they’re warm and suddenly the cold doesn’t bother him so much.

“You know,” Dazai says, his voice low as if he only wants Chuuya to hear, “when one is that sad, one can get to love the sunset.”

Chuuya looks at him and it doesn’t surprise him like it used to. “Who?”

“Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,” Dazai whispers.

“I thought you didn’t like sunsets.”

“I suppose,” Dazai says, “I’ve come to realise that perhaps it had always been beautiful. And I hate myself for never noticing.”

“The sunset?”

Dazai smiles. “A lot of things.”

And Chuuya feels something fluttering inside his chest. He feels like his heart might just swell to burst.

He really has it bad, doesn’t he?

Chapter Text

What a strange thing!

To be alive

Beneath cherry blossoms.

-Kobayashi Issa

Dazai is screwed.

The number of groans he had let out in mere ten minutes of lying on the bed is insurmountable. It’s Sunday and he has nothing to do. And that is perhaps the worst part. So, he’s lying on the bed, face deep under the pillow questioning his own existence.

Well, that part isn’t particularly new to him, he’d say. But, the thing is that he cannot stop thinking about the events of yesterday and it keeps giving him a new sense of existential crisis.

He has a crush on Chuuya.

Even admitting it sounds so strange. Although, he feels like this feeling isn’t that new. Perhaps he did always find Chuuya endearing and he did care about the boy. But, labelling it suddenly with something so immature and hopeless makes Dazai’s cheeks go unimaginably warm.

And out of all the people, it just had to be Chuuya.

Dazai groans again. What is he even going to do about it? He has had crushes before and, of course, he has dated beautiful women in the past. He isn’t surprised by the fact that this time it was a boy. Sexuality crisis is something he had solved a long time back. And Dazai is charming. He is an amazing boyfriend and he knows that. There isn’t a single person he had dated who wouldn’t fall for his charms and there isn’t a single one who ended up hating him. 

But, the thing with Chuuya is that they’re not really on good terms. Albeit the fact that Dazai knows that they both care for the other, he also knows that Chuuya remains pissed at him for some or the other reason. And Dazai doesn’t want to stop teasing him or anything because he simply loves annoying Chuuya. But, a selfish part of him wishes that Chuuya would just feel a bit about him the way he feels.

And Chuuya has seen almost every side of Dazai, especially all the things that make Dazai unlovable and unworthy of love. Chuuya has seen the worst part in him. And there are people out there, good people whom Chuuya could love and be loved equally in return. Dazai can never be that. He cannot love. He’s neither worthy of it nor capable. The world might be cruel, but there will always be someone out there who can give more to Chuuya than Dazai can.

And that thought is just really sad.

The door opens quietly and then closes, and Dazai can hear footsteps towards him. The bed dips slightly and Dazai turns his face to look at who it is.

“Are you okay, Dazai-san?” Atsushi asks with a worried look.

Dazai groans again and tries to sit up, balancing himself with his arms. His hair is a mess, he knows, but he cannot be bothered to fix it right now.

“I hate it when you’re right, sometimes, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai sighs.

Atsushi blinks at him and then raises a brow. “I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I’m a little concerned. You’re really red too. Are you okay?”

Dazai shakes his head. Dammit, why is he red now?

Before he can cook up a lie or argue that he’s not red, the door opens again and this time, Chuuya enters with a huge bag in his arms. And by huge, Dazai means huge . Chuuya has both of his arms hugging the said bag, which hides most of him and he bounces on his leg so he can close the door with the other.

“Hi,” Atsushi waves from the bed.

Chuuya looks at him and smiles. “Hiiii!”

And Dazai loses it.

He feels his cheeks go warm again and his heart starts ramming against his ribs. That had been the most adorable ‘hi’ that Dazai has perhaps ever, ever heard and he wants to kill Chuuya and end his own life with him too. With his face practically looking like a tomato, Dazai does the wise thing… he looks away.

Atsushi spares him a subtle glance and then looks at Chuuya and then back at Dazai. His lips twist to a knowing smile. “Oh.”

Dazai hates it when Atsushi does this. He hates it when Atsushi is right and he ends up being an oblivious fuck. Adding to the list of things Dazai hates is how observational Chuuya can be sometimes.

“Are you okay?” he asks with a hint of worry in his tone… which doesn’t help Dazai in the slightest. He raises his brow and smirks a bit.“Did you catch a cold or something, Mr ‘the cold doesn’t bother me' ?”

Dazai, of course, has a collection of snide remarks he could very well use. But, the situation is such that he can think of literally nothing. He ends up looking back at Chuuya and smiling. “I’m fine.”

Chuuya, clearly surprised that Dazai had chosen a seemingly normal answer for the first time, shrugs nonchalantly and walks to the kitchen, carrying the big bag in his arms with him. 

“Didn’t you get the groceries yesterday, though?” Atsushi asks before Chuuya can leave the room.

Chuuya peeks from the wall and blinks. “Yeah, I did. But, I forgot a few things, so I went again.” he grins with his eyes wide. “I bought pasta. I’ll make it with white sauce.”

Atsushi smiles wide. “Okay! Thank you!”

Chuuya smiles again before leaving.

Dazai bites his lip and sighs, hoping that Chuuya won’t hear. “Atsushi-kun?”

Atsushi looks at him and hums. “Hmm?”

“Has Chuuya always been this cute?”

Atsushi snickers. “Yeah.”

“I’m really stupid, aren’t I?” Dazai sighs again.

“Stupidly in love?” Atsushi tries, the smile still on his lips.

“No.”

“Stupidly in denial?”

“Maybe.”

It definitely does not help when Chuuya laughs about something from the kitchen, perhaps about something on his phone. Dazai ends up standing straight and then gazes at the window.

“That’s it,” he says, walking towards the sill. “I’m going to kill myself.”

“Dazai-san...” Atsushi sighs before standing up.

Dazai opens the window and places his leg on the sill, attempting to climb it so he can let himself fall peacefully. He hears Atsushi call Chuuya but ignores it. He has to do this. Dazai has to end his life. It’s easier than suffering like this. It’s easier than admitting it to Chuuya.

Before Dazai can lift his other leg, he feels a hand tugging his sleeve. He turns back to see Chuuya looking at him… clearly unamused.

“Stop,” he says before yanking Dazai’s arm away from the window and letting him fall on his bed. He points his finger at Dazai. “I began making exactly four servings of pasta. You can do that after you fucking finish what I cooked. If you’re that bored then go do something else.”

Chuuya looks away and stomps towards the kitchen. 

“I’m sure he doesn’t mean that,” Atsushi says, trying to assure Dazai.

But, Dazai doesn’t need it. He smiles and looks down instead. It is such a tsundere way of aggressively telling that he cares about Dazai. Not that he is surprised, but it makes him feel warm from inside. Somehow, it feels like Dazai might just be a little worthy of living. And it feels so good to know that Chuuya cares, that he is afraid of losing him.

After all, Dazai had noticed the tiny red in Chuuya’s ears when he left even though he had tried so hard to hide it.

And Dazai can’t help but wonder if Chuuya might feel the same about him just a bit. 

He does not. Chuuya does not feel the same about Dazai and he is pretty sure of that.

Well, the events had mostly been Dazai’s fault, but still. It doesn’t bother him.

It hadn’t bothered him when he had picked Chuuya’s phone and held it high so Chuuya won’t be able to reach even if he jumped, and when Dazai had laughed and returned it to him, Chuuya had been pissed.

It definitely hadn’t bothered him when Dazai said something nice like, “have a great day!” and Chuuya responded with an aggressive, “don’t tell me what to do!” right after the said event.

Yeah. Chuuya doesn’t like him. 

But, the thing is that for Dazai, this is enough. It really isn’t, but he likes to think that he’s content. They aren’t on the best terms but they’re not on the worst either. As long as Dazai can turn and see Chuuya right there, he’s satisfied.

Their relationship, Dazai believes, is balanced between a scale and the way it keeps moving scares him. It is so close to tipping to either side and each side can have consequences beyond his control. He cannot risk falling on either side which is why the middle exists. Every time the arm moves, Dazai has to make sure it comes back to the middle; the comfort zone. The place where everything is okay and where they aren’t at a risk of falling apart.

When both sides seem to have terrible outcomes, Dazai can’t help but feel content with staying hidden in the middle, in the neutral, in the safe spot.

It is after about two weeks when Dazai is working his shift when it happens.

He’s in a good mood today, unlike usual. His classes are over and he doesn’t have a lot of homework to finish for the day. His coworkers are in an equally jolly mood, with Kunikida-kun being less strict and Ranpo-san being lively about a book he had read.

It’s all good.

And it gets better when Dazai spots Chuuya entering the store just a few minutes before his shift ends. With the start of spring, everybody has resorted to wearing half-sleeved clothing with less covering, but Chuuya still prefers wearing a shirt with arms covering his skin. It makes Dazai chuckle from the inside, thinking of how much the cold affects him. 

Chuuya gives Dazai a glance before walking towards the aisles and Dazai gives back a smile.

“Ah, isn’t that your roommate?” Ranpo-san says, leaning against his chair with a grin. “Chuuya, was it?”

“Yeah,”

“Cool,” he says, glancing at Chuuya over the counter. “Don’t you think he visits the store a lot more nowadays?”

Dazai looks at him and blinks. “I haven’t particularly noticed,” he shrugs. “We do need a lot of groceries, though.”

Ranpo-san doesn’t look back. “Perhaps,” he shrugs and smiles. “Or perhaps he just wants to see you.”

Dazai almost chokes on his own spit. “I hardly think that that could be the reason.”

“Why not?”

“We live in the same room, Ranpo-san,” Dazai tries to gain his composure back, hoping to all the gods that he isn’t red. “Besides, why would he want to see me?”

Ranpo-san finally looks back and smiles, and this time it isn’t filled with tease. “What makes you think that he doesn’t miss your company like you miss his?”

Dazai opens his mouth but hesitates. “I—I don’t miss his company.”

Ranpo-san laughs. “Sure, Dazai-kun.”

Dazai groans and looks away. He’s lying his way out of this one too and he knows that. Even Ranpo-san knows that. Is he really that obvious?

Does that mean that Ranpo-san knows about his crush?

Dazai groans again. Who is he kidding? This is Ranpo-san we’re talking about. He perhaps knew about it before he had even met Chuuya. That makes zero sense, but Dazai doesn’t care.

“How long?” Dazai whispers, hoping that only Ranpo would hear.

Ranpo-san smiles. “It’s been a while.”

Dazai sighs and looks up, momentarily glad to see a customer walk up to his counter. He smiles at her and she smiles back, placing her cart beside the table. Dazai starts picking the items and scanning them as per usual, letting his gaze fall on the computer at intervals. He glances up only for a second but ends up noticing a familiar redhead near one of the aisles, talking to someone.

Dazai lets his eyes stay on him and moves his head just a bit to catch a glimpse of whoever he is talking to. He realises soon enough that Chuuya is talking to a lady… a beautiful woman with long, dark hair and equally dark eyes. Her smile is mesmerising and her laugh is adorable. And Chuuya, he’s also smiling so wide. He seems to be enjoying their talk quite a lot. Dazai watches how the girl says something and Chuuya smiles and nods in return. She fishes out her phone and gives it to him and he takes it and starts typing something. Is he giving his number to her?

A lot of things go around Dazai’s mind. Emotions and feelings he hates swirl around his head, blocking everything else.

The spinning world he had been high on for so long, comes to a screeching halt.

He just feels so sad, all of a sudden. The thought that Chuuya can very well get a crush, fall in love and be with someone else hurts more than Dazai had expected it to. The fact that one day the balance that Dazai is trying so hard to preserve could topple over and Dazai wouldn’t be able to move it even a hair. One day, they’ll drift apart. One day Chuuya would leave him and walk away and it won’t bother him when it would completely break Dazai.

And the beginning of all that is so near.

Chuuya is talking to a girl he seems to be interested in. And she is so beautiful too. Dazai isn’t beautiful. Dazai’s laugh isn’t that sweet and the scars that line his entire body make him so much uglier than he already is. He is dull while Chuuya is like a light. Such brightness can only be tainted if he is around Dazai. And Dazai doesn’t want that. Even if the light makes him look away, he still wants to keep watching and the last thing he wants to do is be the reason that light fades away.

The sound of the clearing of throat makes Dazai blink back to reality. He slowly turns his head to face Ranpo beside him who points at Dazai’s hand. He turns back and realises that he had been standing there for god knows how long, holding one of the items for scanning while the customer had been waiting.

She isn’t angry, though and smiles. Dazai’s eyes widen and he quickens his work. “I am so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she says, waving her hand just a bit and looking away.

After completing the payments and handing her the bag, he apologises again before she picks them and leaves.

Dazai lets his head fall over the table and groans at his misery. “I hate myself.”

Ranpo-san laughs. “You really have it that bad, huh?”

“Humour based on my pain,” Dazai mumbles. “Feels great.”

Ranpo laughs again and leans against his chair. “Do you know why it’s bothering you so much?”

“Because it’s hopeless and makes me feel stupid?” Dazai tries, lifting his head just a bit.

“No,” Ranpo says and smiles. “Because you really want to replace that woman. And do you know what you can do to end your suffering?”

“I don’t like where this is going...”

“Confess!”

“No!”

“Are you sick or something?” Chuuya says the moment he reaches the counter with his trolley.

Dazai looks up at him as Chuuya tries his best to hide the worry etched on his face. He has to say something. Something funny, perhaps. Something snide or sarcastic. But, there is nothing that comes to his mind at the moment.

Dazai smiles instead and starts picking out the items from the cart. “I’m fine.”

If Chuuya’s eyes had widened, Dazai chose to ignore it. If he had felt Ranpo’s smirk from behind him, he chose to ignore it. He tries to finish the job quicker since his shift is almost about to end too. Maybe he can walk back home with Chuuya.

There are about five items left in the cart and Dazai tries to hurry to finish it. But, what makes him stop is when he sees the same woman he had seen before re-entering the store again and walking towards Chuuya. She had left the store a while ago and Dazai had hoped she wouldn’t return. But, she smiles and walks to Chuuya and tugs on his sleeve to grab his attention.

And Dazai cannot move. This time, he is aware that he is frozen in place, glaring daggers at the woman. This time, even the minimal amount of touch she gives to Chuuya and the proximity they’re standing in annoys Dazai. The way she smiles and shyly asks something and Chuuya smiles in return and patiently explains things to her makes Dazai feel hollow.

He drops the scanner in hand on the table and just leaves.

He can’t handle it. He thought he could, but the truth is that he just can’t. He moves to the storeroom behind the place and closes the door, simply letting himself sit on the cold tile of the floor. 

Jealousy is a human emotion.

It is normal and okay to have. But, that doesn’t mean that Dazai doesn’t loathe himself for having it take control of him so much. He hates being jealous, especially when he knows he doesn’t deserve the things he craves so much. He doesn’t deserve that kind of patience. He doesn’t deserve that kind of love. And yet, he feels annoyed at a girl who did nothing to hurt him; who isn’t even aware that Dazai feels so much for Chuuya. It isn’t her fault. It isn’t Chuuya’s fault. Who’s fault is it then that Dazai feels so miserable?

He is not about to cry about this. Of course, he’s not. He isn’t a middle schooler with a crush. But, that isn’t to say that he doesn’t feel like killing himself at that moment. Perhaps this is why he feels like ending things most of the time, the feeling that he’s worthless and doesn’t deserve anything. The fact that he’s lonely and nothing can ever fill that emptiness in his heart. 

And when Chuuya had entered his life with such a bang, he had been becoming happier. He had been starting to cope with things he never had before. And now, everything seems to go back to the way it was. Everything is breaking again, relapsing into the worst part of Dazai he had hoped to escape from.

The silence around him is deafening and he hates it. He just feels so fucking lonely.

“There you are,” he hears a voice suddenly which makes him look up.

Ranpo-san enters the room with a smile and closes the door. It is very unlike him, Dazai supposes, to follow him during his bad time just because he is worried.

“Your chibi won’t stop asking where you suddenly went,” Ranpo explains as if he had read Dazai’s mind. He settles down beside him slowly and crosses his legs. “ Where’s Dazai? Is he okay? Is he not well? Do you think he’ll be okay? Jeez,” he laughs. “He’s really worried.”

Dazai looks down, unable to respond.

“She left the store, by the way,” Ranpo continues, not expecting Dazai to reply. “Chuuya waited for you for a while, but then he left too. He didn’t want to be a bother.”

Dazai keeps his eyes down. He feels so guilty now and everything he had been feeling for so long becomes worse.

“Also, he mentioned that the woman was Akutagawa’s little sister,” Ranpo shrugs. “Gin, I think.”

Dazai’s eyes widen at that. Gin? As in Gin, who is still in high school? As in Gin, who had called Chuuya when his sister met with an accident?

“What?” Dazai asks and Ranpo’s smile widens.

“They’re not dating, idiot,” he says. “She was probably asking about her brother or something.”

Dazai blinks at him and opens his mouth. He closes it abruptly and then opens it again, before hesitantly closing it again. He probably looks like a confused goldfish at this point.

“I don’t think he has gone too far, you know. Plus your shift is over,” Ranpo says, slowly standing up. He smiles. “Walk with him,” before turning and walking to the door.

“Chuuya!” Dazai screams when he finally, finally spots him turning the road.

At the sudden noise, Chuuya pauses and turns back slowly. His eyes widen when he sees Dazai.

“Dazai? What?” he says as Dazai rushes towards him and stops in front of him to breathe.

“I—my shift just got over,” Dazai pants and smiles.

Chuuya stares at him for a few seconds. Eventually, he blinks. “I thought… I thought you got sick or something.”

“No, I was fine.”

“Why did you leave all of a sudden, then?”

It isn't a suspicion, Dazai knows. Chuuya just sounds… genuinely concerned.

“Ah, I,” Dazai had not thought this through, “I, well, you see...”

“Dazai, if you lie to me, I swear I’ll kill you,” Chuuya sighs. “You promised you won’t.”

Dazai pauses and then closes his mouth. He opens it again hesitantly, “I’m not going to lie.”

Chuuya raises his brow and Dazai clears his throat. “I saw something. I saw something I didn’t want to see and I didn’t like, so I went inside to uh, settle things down?” it comes out more like a question. He doesn’t quite know how to explain the myriad of emotions he has been feeling nowadays.

“What did you see?” Chuuya asks and Dazai sighs in relief. Thank fuck he’s at least a bit oblivious.

“Just something,” Dazai smiles. “But, I’m okay now.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Chuuya doesn’t seem to have bought it and he is aware of that. Even so, Dazai tilts his head and smiles. “Want to walk home together?”

“I think Akutagawa liked the pasta a bit too much,” Chuuya snickers. “It’s weird that Atsushi is developing a sweet tooth and Akutagawa is liking spicy things when it always has been the other way around.”

“Influence, huh?” Dazai smiles. “They’re adorable.”

“Yeah.”

They walk in silence across the road and Dazai resists the urge to periodically look at Chuuya. He does glance at him sometimes but then ends up looking away. The silence isn’t uncomfortable. It isn’t awkward. The presence is enough for both of them. 

“Dazai?” Chuuya asks as they turn the alley and enter a wider lane. “Isn’t White Day coming up?”

Dazai’s eyes widen and he clears his throat. “Yeah.”

Chuuya smirks. “Do you think Akutagawa and Atsushi might plan something for each other?”

Dazai sighs in… relief? He lets out a laugh. “I’d be more surprised if they remembered.”

“True.” Chuuya snickers. “I kind of want to see if you get any chocolates this year.”

Dazai grins. “I bet I’ll get more than you.”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see,” Chuuya says. “Besides, I don’t think...”

Dazai turns to look at Chuuya when he stops speaking. He sees Chuuya facing up with a smile on his face. That’s when Dazai notices the tiny, pink petals of peach blossom falling over them with the breeze. It is slow and rhythmic, the way they float and calmly settle over Chuuya’s hair, tingling his skin and sticking to his shirt. It’s almost as if they had purposefully chosen Chuuya’s skin to brush across and his own flying hair to tangle around. And Dazai is so glad that they did. 

Because Chuuya smiles and laughs as the petals increase in number and his eyes flutter close at the wind, letting himself bask in it in a certain content. He is so happy right in the midst of a peach sky and the fact that he’s standing there in the middle of the street without a care for the world doesn’t bother him. A tiny smile creeps up on Dazai’s lips as he watches him. Chuuya is an awful lot like spring; the way he blooms like a peach flower after a long thaw.

And Dazai doesn’t like spring. He likes winters and snowfall.

Today, it is surprising that he finds spring so beautiful.

And that’s the thing. Dazai has always hated surprises and that’s why he tries to predict things beforehand. But Chuuya, he’s filled with surprises. And Dazai, for the first time, loves those tiny surprises.

“I love spring,” Chuuya whispers without opening his eyes.

Dazai smiles. “Me too...”

Chapter Text

Summer night --

Even the stars

Are whispering to each other

-Kobayashi Issa

March fourteenth comes more like a loud proclamation than a lovey-dovey reminder.

Everybody is excited to receive chocolates from each other. Chuuya isn’t the least excited. Why? Because firstly, he doesn’t care about the day and is ready to reject anyone who gives him chocolates. Secondly, he isn’t quite ready to watch Dazai get proposals he might actually accept.

The moron might readily accept one, won’t he? As long as he finds the woman beautiful and ‘suicidal’, he might accept her proposal and request his absurd plea for a double suicide. Of course, it annoys Chuuya that he is so one minded, but what annoys him more is the fact that he has a crush on the same one minded idiot.

He hates admitting it. He absolutely hates it.

And this really has been the worst month of realisation he can ever even think of. 

He stands over the bed, staring at the boxes of chocolates he had bought yesterday, laid on the sheets. He sighs. It had been a stupid decision, he thinks, to go out and actually get these. He had initially decided that he’ll give chocolates to Atsushi, Akutagawa and Dazai… platonically. But, now that he thinks about it, his new ‘feelings’ for Dazai makes him more hesitant to actually give the chocolates even if it is supposed to convey his very platonic feelings.

Ugh. He feels weird just to think about all this.

What makes it even weirder is the fact that he has never had a crush before. He has never seen anyone that way. He has never felt butterflies fluttering in his stomach just by looking at someone. He has never felt the need to keep someone so close to him and he has never felt so terrified of losing someone. So, he doesn’t really know what to do now that he does feel them. He’s confused and nothing that Dazai ever does really helps him. He is fairly new to this feeling and he doesn’t even know whether to hate it or to like it. 

He likes the giddy feeling he gets around Dazai if he were honest. He likes the fact that he doesn’t feel lonely when he’s around him. He likes that he’s more happy and expressive with him and that he no longer hesitates to laugh openly around him. And there are things that Dazai does that really warms his heart; things like knowing exactly when to stop his jokes and making sure that Chuuya is okay. The fact that Dazai cares about him enough to look out for him and embrace him tightly when he’s on the verge of breaking makes Chuuya feel so good. 

But, what Chuuya doesn’t like is when he is reminded that Dazai would perhaps never see him the way that he does. That he will always joke around and tease him and that’s all. He only laughs with Chuuya because it is entertaining, not because he likes him. Why would he anyway?

Chuuya sighs again. He hates this. He had been fine for about eighteen years without getting a nonsense crush and now that he does have it, he ended up choosing Dazai of all people. He hates this. He hates his pathetic heart even more.

“Are you okay, Chuuya-san?” comes a voice and Chuuya lifts his head to see Atsushi peeking from the kitchen.

“Not really,” Chuuya sighs.

Atsushi slowly walks towards him and pauses beside him to glance at the bed.

He blinks and then gasps. “You bought chocolates for someone!”

“I—It’s not like that,” Chuuya argues and looks away.

“Ooh, who is it for?” Atsushi smiles and narrows his eyes in the smuggest way possible. “Want me to guess?”

“I hardly think you’ll be able to,” Chuuya mumbles.

Atsushi hums and speaks before even spending time to actually think about it. “It’s Dazai-san, isn’t it?”

Chuuya ends up choking on his own spit. He snaps his head back at Atsushi whose smile increases. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

Chuuya blinks at him, quite aware of the red that’s creeping up his neck. “Why do—what? How? Why do—Why do you know that?”

Atsushi snickers and shrugs. “You’re not very subtle about it.”

“I’m not subtle about it...” Chuuya repeats. “I—what?”

“I think I’ve broken you,” Atsushi says, trying his best to hide the laughs bubbling up inside him.

Chuuya blinks at him and then looks down. He has been trying his best to hide the fact that he sees Dazai in such a different light now. So far, he has been even denying it to himself before his feelings just took the wheel. And of course, he had been thinking that he was doing a pretty good job at hiding it.

“I’m that obvious?” Chuuya ends up asking.

“You’re kind of obvious to anyone but Dazai-san,” Atsushi says.

“I don’t know if I should be pissed at myself or just really relieved.”

Atsushi laughs. His gaze falls on the chocolates. “You bought him so many!”

“No,” Chuuya sighs. “Two are for you and Akutagawa.”

Atsushi looks back at him and then his smile widens. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

Chuuya pauses his pacing for a moment and stops near the bed, nodding at Atsushi who picks a Toblerone pack. Chuuya knows that it is his favourite, after all. Atsushi smiles and thanks him and Chuuya can’t help but smile back. 

But then, it hits him again. He is morally doomed at the moment and the usual courage he has at all times seems to melt into a puddle. Explains the sweating, he supposes. 

“What are you so panicky about?” Atsushi snickers.

“Atsushi,” Chuuya sighs. “I’m in a dilemma. Don’t laugh.”

Atsushi laughs again but brings his palm up in hopes of hiding it. “It’s just a crush, though.”

“It’s not… a crush,” Chuuya says, lowering his voice as if he’s unsure of it himself.

He isn’t unsure. Of course, he isn’t. He’s damn sure that this is a crush, but he’d rather burn himself alive than actually admit it out loud. It just sounds so… cheesy and gross, the word crush. What is he, a middle schooler? Ugh.

“Oh, please,” Atsushi says. “You can admit that it very well is, Chuuya-san.”

Chuuya groans. “Look, I hate calling it that, okay? It’s not a crush.”

“Then, what is it?”

“It is, uh, it’s um,” Chuuya hesitates, trying to find the appropriate words. “It’s—”

“Adoration?”

“Okay, ew?”

Atsushi laughs. “Attachment?”

“...no.”

“Affection?”

“No!”

“Admiration?”

“What are you, a dictionary? This is so alphabetical,” Chuuya groans, subtly trying not to reply to that.

Atsushi hums. “Then, how about fondness?”

“No!”

“Okay, then lo—”

He’s interrupted, thankfully, by the opening of the door. For a moment, Chuuya feels his heart leap out, but then it calms down comfortably when he realises that it is Akutagawa and not Dazai.

“—ve,” Atsushi finishes anyway, glancing at Akutagawa and then back at Chuuya. “Love?”

Chuuya turns redder than his hair as Akutagawa lifts his brow at him before slowly closing the door.

“I didn’t hear anything,” he mumbles before walking to his bed.

Atsushi huffs and rushes towards him. “Yes, you did! Help me out!”

Akutagawa pauses, glancing at Atsushi and then at Chuuya.

Atsushi doesn’t wait and points at Chuuya. “Make him admit that he has a crush!”

Akutagawa blinks at the comment and then just stares at Chuuya.

“It isn’t!” Chuuya argues, feeling himself get redder by the minute.

“Is too,” Atsushi says and points at the chocolates on the bed now. “See, he bought chocolates too!”

Akutagawa glances at the chocolates and then looks back at Chuuya with an indifferent expression.

“It isn’t like that! I bought it for everyone!” Chuuya says.

“But you admitted a while ago that you did buy special chocolates for—”

“No, I did not!”

“You did!”

“Didn’t happen.”

“Did too.”

“Nope.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, stop,” Akutagawa finally speaks, sighing and placing his bag on the bed. 

Both of them stop speaking and Akutagawa simply faces Chuuya. “It’s for Dazai-san, right?”

Chuuya blinks at him before frowning. “Why? Why do you know that?”

Akutagawa shrugs and Atsushi grins. “Told ya. Everybody knows~”

Chuuya groans again and it is the angstiest one so far. Akutagawa waits till it is all over and then coughs. “Why won’t you admit it?”

“Because—just no.” Chuuya huffs and crosses his arms.

“It’s not such a bad thing,” Akutagawa shrugs. “And it’s not like you don’t have a chance with him.”

“Easy for you to say,” Chuuya mumbles. “You’ve already got a boyfriend.”

Akutagawa’s cheeks turn just a little red before he sighs. “That’s because one of us took the initiative to actually confess.”

Chuuya can’t argue with that. He remembers how hard it had been for Atsushi to confess and yet he did it. But, see, Chuuya isn’t that brave.

Okay, no. Chuuya is brave. He’s brave enough to handle bullies and kids bulkier and three times taller than him. He’s brave enough to fight with weapons like knives. He’s brave enough to argue with his sister.

He’s definitely not brave enough to confess.

“I know that confessing is hard,” Akutagawa continues as if he had read his mind. “But, I suppose admitting that it is a crush is a good start.”

“It’s not a crush,” Chuuya argues again. 

“Then?” Akutagawa raises his brow. “Do you not like him?” 

“It’s not that!” Chuuya screams and then looks away. “I just happen to find him...” 

The door interrupts the conversation again and this time, it is Dazai. But, before he can enter the room with his stupidly wide grin, he stumbles over the doorway and loses his balance, although, preventing a fall right on time.

Chuuya looks at him and a tiny smile forms itself on his lips.  “...cute.”

He immediately clamps his mouth shut, thanking every god to exist that Dazai hadn’t heard. But, guess who did hear?

Atsushi’s mouth opens wide even as he keeps smiling and then he brings his palms near it as he tries being dramatic. Akutagawa looks away and coughs, hiding his smile with his wrist.

Dazai closes the door and stops to blink at them. He looks at Chuuya. “We have a class.”

“Y—yeah,” Chuuya says and curses himself for stuttering.

“Okay,” Dazai says before moving to the kitchen. “We’re late, though.”

Chuuya looks at his watch and his eyes widen. They only have a few minutes till their Astronomy class. He hurries to his bed and picks his bag, stuffing the chocolate hastily and throwing one of the boxes towards Akutagawa who manages to catch it albeit being a little surprised. 

Dazai walks out of the kitchen with his bag and moves to the door, leaving it open for Chuuya.

“I didn’t say that,” Chuuya whispers aggressively before heading to the door.

“You did!” Atsushi exclaims.

“No, I did not!” he whispers again as he reaches the door.

“Did too!”

“No,” he says before slamming the door shut, invariably making Atsushi’s hysterical laughs fade away.

“I’m totally going to get more chocolates than you,” Dazai smirks.

“Oh yeah?” Chuuya retorts. “We’ll see.”

Dazai laughs. They walk comfortably towards their class. A few minutes here and there is okay, Chuuya thinks, to reach their class. The walk is peaceful, after all, and Chuuya is selfish enough to slow it down. Weirdly, it seems as if Dazai has slowed down considerably too as if he doesn’t want to go for class anytime soon.

“Would you accept any chocolate, if you get it?” Dazai asks low and Chuuya almost feels as if he is hesitating to even ask.

He lets his gaze move away. “Not really.”

“Why not?”

Chuuya doesn’t look back. “I—I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”

For a few seconds, none of them speaks. Chuuya hopes that it remains that way, but then ends up groaning internally when he feels Dazai smirk.

“Have you ever accepted any chocolate you’ve gotten?” Dazai sighs. “Or have you never gotten a chocolate before?”

“Hah?” Chuuya finally faces him. “Of course, I’ve got chocolates!”

“And you never accepted any?”

“I took them.”

“...but?”

Chuuya sighs and looks down. “I didn’t date them or anything.”

Chuuya keeps walking but pauses and turns back. That’s when he realises that Dazai had stopped walking. He has an ‘almost’- smile on his face and he’s staring at Chuuya.

“What?”

“You’ve never dated anyone before?”

Chuuya blinks and frowns. “S—so what?”

It’s an amazing feat really, the way Dazai can show his shock and also simultaneously adorn it with a smile. “Oh my, you’ve never, ever dated anyone in your life?”

Chuuya clicks his tongue in annoyance and turns to walk to the class. Dazai rushes to catch up but keeps his gaze at him.

“Why?” Dazai asks now.

“Why? What do you mean why ?”

“Why haven’t you dated anyone?”

Chuuya looks away. “Because I didn’t want to.”

Dazai hums. He doesn’t ask anything else.

Every other student talks about White Day. If it isn’t about chocolates, then it is about their crushes or their guesses on who would get the most. All in all, it annoys Chuuya and makes him frustrated. The fact that he himself has a box that is getting more and more awkward to give doesn’t really help.

Every time he does think of finally giving it, they are either interrupted or Dazai is called by a random girl who shyly asks him to meet her outside the class. And Chuuya just knows that Dazai is getting tons of chocolates.

They’re all idiots , he thinks, to like Dazai . But, then he remembers that he’s one of those idiots and ends up groaning at his misery.

But, each time Dazai returns with a smile on his face and Chuuya asks him if he had said yes at all, he’d smile more. “No. I didn’t.”

That isn’t to say that Chuuya doesn’t get any chocolates. He does. In fact, he gets more than he had imagined or hoped for. He smiles at them and apologises for not accepting it, but then he takes the chocolates for courtesy sake. 

Each time, he can feel the nervousness in those girls as they give him the box shyly. Yet, they have the courage to actually call him and express their feelings. In the end, when he rejects them, they only smile, saying that they didn’t have their hopes up in the first place. The only reason that they had, to give the chocolates, however, was that they’d regret holding it in otherwise.

And Chuuya adds another dilemma to his list.

He’ll regret it. He knows he will. He knows that if he keeps these thoughts in for too long, it’ll only be him who would suffer.

But, a part of him still tugs him away from confessing. A part of him tells him that he’d regret it if he does confess. Everything will shatter; the acknowledgement, the playfulness, the care, it’ll all turn into this awkward phase where Dazai would want nothing to do with him and Chuuya won’t be able to do anything to fix it.

Chuuya sighs and enters the Literature building, the final class for the day. The sun is about to set, he notices through the window as he settles down on his regular seat. He shoves his bag under his desk and leans against the chair for a better view. 

Chuuya loves watching the sunset and it is something he has probably said a lot of times. He likes the colours in the sky as they change in a span of only minutes with each dip of the sun. He likes the way all the stars appear before the sun can even fully vanish and the moon is ready to glimmer instead. He finds it calming, just to watch as it slowly moves down and disappears before you know it.

He doesn’t realise when Dazai settles down beside him. He realises it when a hand moves to his desk, goes inside the open bag and fishes out a box of chocolates.

Not any box of chocolates; the box of chocolates.

“Chuuya,” Dazai gasps. “You got chocolates for someone!”

Chuuya stops functioning for just a second before realising the situation. His cheeks warm up and he tries to grab the box from Dazai’s hands. But, curse his stupid height and Dazai’s long arms.

“I can’t believe my Chibi has a crush on someone,” Dazai says, now standing up.

Chuuya stands up with him and exclaims, “No I don’t!” but he blushes too furiously for Dazai to believe. 

Chuuya tries to jump and grab the box but fails again and again as Dazai moves just in time.

“Give it back!” Chuuya says but Dazai only grins.

“No way, let me read the name first.”

This is bad

Dazai stops and glances at the little note Chuuya just had to stick over it. Mostly it was so that he can differentiate between the three boxes, but now he regrets that completely.

“Wait, that’s me,” Dazai says, squinting to read it again as if he doesn’t believe his own eyes. “That’s my name.”

Chuuya stops and sits back down on his chair, actively avoiding all the eyes on him. Dazai blinks at the box and then looks at him. He walks back and sits on his own chair, his eyes still on Chuuya.

Then, his lips twist to a grin. “Aww, does the little Chibikko have a crush on me?”

“What?” Chuuya snaps his head. “No! Why the fuck would I—”

“Why the chocolate then?”

“I bought one for everyone,” Chuuya sighs, hoping that he isn’t too red. “I already gave Akutagawa and Atsushi each.”

“Oh,” Dazai says, looking back at the box, his grin now nowhere to be seen.

“Besides,” Chuuya says, looking away, trying his best to change the topic, “I thought you wouldn’t get any, so I got one. Sorry for being considerate.” 

“... you thought I wouldn’t get any?”

Chuuya rolls his eyes. “Well, clearly I was wrong.”

Dazai hums and places the box on the table. He picks his own bag and rummages through it. “Well, I got you chocolates too.”

Chuuya snaps his head back. “W—what?”

Dazai laughs and picks out a box from his bag and holds it out for Chuuya to take. “I might have thought that you wouldn’t get any either.”

Chuuya blinks at him once, twice and thrice. Slowly, he takes the box and looks at it. It’s a small box, with about six chocolates. But, Chuuya knows that they are a bit expensive. He would know, they are his favourite ones, after all. And he doesn’t know why Dazai knows that.

He looks away. “You were wrong, though.”

“Oh,” Dazai smirks. “How many did you get?”

“Five.”

Dazai’s eyes widen and he smiles. “I win!”

“What? Why?”

“I got eight.”

“Eight?” Chuuya exclaims.

“Including yours.”

“That doesn’t count!”

Dazai only smiles. “Yes, it does.”

When Chuuya reaches the dorm, the sun has almost completely set. On the way, Dazai mentions that he needs to visit the store for a few minutes, claiming that he has to get some things and rushes out of the gates. Chuuya heads back and as soon as he enters the room, he walks directly to the nearest bed and crashes.

The nearest bed happens to be Akutagawa’s… with the person leaning against the headrest, reading a book. He doesn’t seem to mind Chuuya’s sudden fall, but that isn’t to say that he isn’t surprised.

“Are you okay?” he asks and Chuuya replies with a groan.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Akutagawa sighs, but continues reading his book.

Chuuya buries his head deep inside the covers. “I hate Dazai.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I hate him.”

Akutagawa sighs and flips a page, unnerved by anything that Chuuya says or does.

A few moments pass in silence, the only sound being that of Akutagawa turning the pages. Chuuya doesn’t try to move from his position. If he could just sleep right there…

Akutagawa sighs ultimately. “At this point, I don’t even think it’s about Dazai-san anymore.”

That gains Chuuya’s attention. He lifts his head slowly and sits up, looking at Akutagawa. “What?”

Akutagawa closes his book and removes his glasses. “I just feel like the fact that you chose Dazai-san isn’t your biggest problem?”

“I’m so confused.”

Akutagawa pauses for a moment and then looks at the window. Then, he speaks. “Why does it bother you so much?”

Chuuya understands the question, but he doesn’t quite know how to answer it. “I—I don’t know. Isn’t it kind of embarrassing? To like someone I was on bad terms with about like a month ago.” He sighs. “Who am I kidding? We’re still on bad terms.”

“I don’t think that’s what’s bothering you. I don’t think this is about Dazai-san at all.”

“Then, what is it about?”

“Perhaps yourself.”

Chuuya blinks. “What?”

Akutagawa places his book beside him and adjusts his seating. “I just feel like you think that you don’t deserve him or something. You don’t think that you have a chance with him because you think you’re not good enough.”

Chuuya opens his mouth and then closes it. He opens it again but is a bit hesitant. “You really went straight to the point, huh?”

Akutagawa shrugs. “Am I wrong?”

“Well,” Chuuya says and sighs, looking away, “no.”

Akutagawa doesn’t say anything. He hums and waits for Chuuya to collect himself.

“I don’t hate myself,” Chuuya says. He looks down, letting himself open up just a bit. “But, there are times when I feel like I don't deserve a lot of things. And I—I’ve never even had friends before. It makes me feel like I already don’t deserve a lot of what I’ve gotten this year.”

Akutagawa listens patiently and then gazes back at the window. “Do you know who else thinks that about themselves?”

“Who?”

“Dazai-san.”

Chuuya doesn’t argue with that. He looks at Akutagawa, not knowing what to say.

Akutagawa continues for him. “Dazai-san might not say it out loud, but even in his jokes, I feel like he does express that he feels worthless periodically. He acts like he is the best because he feels like he is the worst.”

And it’s true. Chuuya knows how Dazai sees himself and there have been a lot of times when Chuuya had felt this urge to smack some sense into him. He wishes he could change the way Dazai sees himself. He wishes Dazai can see himself through Chuuya’s eyes sometimes just to realise how much he is valued.

“It’s frustrating, isn’t it?” Akutagawa says, looking down. “Isn’t it frustrating to watch someone you care about hold themselves at such a low position?”

“It is.”

“Can I be very honest with you?” Akutagawa asks.

Chuuya knows that Akutagawa would say that it’s frustrating to watch him say these things too. That it’s frustrating to see Chuuya act so dismissive about his own feelings. But, he nods. 

“I think Dazai-san likes you a lot.”

“W—what?”

“I think he holds you in a really high regard,” Akutagawa says, ignoring Chuuya’s shocked look. “I think he’ll live if you ask him to.”

“You think—?” Chuuya says but doesn’t come to finish it.

“Yeah, I think so,” Akutagawa looks at him and smiles just a bit. A bit.

“You’ve really softened up since you’ve started dating Atsushi.”

“I have what?”

“Yeah,” Chuuya laughs. “I’ve known you since high school. You were never like this.”

Akutagawa blinks at him. He coughs and looks away, trying to hide the reddening of his cheeks. “Is that a good thing?”

“I think it’s a great thing.”

When Chuuya wakes up after a ‘quick’ nap, it isn’t because of his alarm or because he’s satisfied with his sleep. But, rather, it is because of Dazai’s continuous poking on his cheek.

And having a crush does not mean that Chuuya won’t get annoyed by Dazai's antics.

“What do you want?” Chuuya asks without opening his eyes.

Dazai’s poking stops. Chuuya waits for a reply, but it only comes after he realises that Dazai’s hair is tickling his skin.

“Wake up Chuuya~” Dazai whispers near his ear.

“No.”

“Come on.”

“No.”

After a few seconds of silence, Dazai sighs and moves a little away from him. Chuuya is thankful for that through and through.

“Seems like you’ve forgotten my promise.”

“What promise?”

“Remember how pathetically in need of credits you were this semester?”

Chuuya clicks his tongue as he feels Dazai grinning. “Get to the point, Dazai.”

“Well, I told you about the Star Festival and promised I’d take you there, didn’t I?”

“Umm, yeah,” Chuuya says, suddenly remembering their conversation in the library months ago.

“It’s tonight,” Dazai says and pokes Chuuya once again. “Get up. I got us coupons and everything. It opens in about three hours and the place is about three hours away from here.”

He climbs down the ladder after that and Chuuya finally opens his eyes. He had completely forgotten about it. He sits up and looks at Dazai who readies a bag near his own bed.

“But, I don’t have a telescope right now,” Chuuya says.

Dazai looks up and blinks. “Well, I don’t have one either,” he shrugs. “Didn’t you bring it with you?”

“No,” Chuuya says, climbing down the ladder. “Telescopes are only required for the semester after the summer break. So, I thought I’d bring it after the vacation.”

Dazai turns to face him. “Now what?”

It hadn’t taken a lot of persuading for Akutagawa to give the keys to his truck. When Chuuya had explained about the Star Festival, Akutagawa had glanced between him and Dazai and then pulled the keys out of his bag and given it to them without a doubt.

Chuuya suspects an ulterior motive but then lets it pass.

The plan is simple. They’ll pick the truck, drive to Chuuya’s place which is the same way as the Festival, grab his telescope and then drive to the location. Dazai claims that he knows a good spot beyond the stalls where they can see the stars clearly. But, Chuuya insists that they visit the stalls and try their hand at writing wishes too. Dazai shrugs but then demands that they need to reach the venue on time to be able to spot the particular constellations they’re supposed to look for.

It all revolves around a particularly popular lore around which the Festival is based on. Chuuya has heard several versions of it, but his favourite is the one Ane-san had told him while fixing his yukata before they had left for the Festival back when he was barely in elementary school. It was a story of two star-crossed lovers who had been forcefully separated, only to meet once each year by crossing the ends of the sky. It’s a beautiful and yet heartbreaking story if one thinks about it. 

But, in the end, it isn’t the story that Chuuya finds so attractive about the Festival, rather, it is the custom and festivities that follow which brings a sense of nostalgia in him.

Today, neither Chuuya nor Dazai has a yukata to wear, so they manage by the casual wear that they have. After picking the truck from Akutagawa’s place and saying hi to Gin, Chuuya drives to his own house which is about two hours away from there. 

Dazai does grin and asks if he can drive and Chuuya definitely smacks him upside his head. “You’ll drive us straight to heaven is what you’ll do.”

“Bold of you to assume that we’ll go to heaven.”

“That does make sense,” Chuuya shrugs before turning the alley. “My mistake.”

His sister adores Dazai more than anyone.

Chuuya realised it back in the hospital but now is when he can actually confirm it. His sister, who wasn’t expecting them to arrive, invites Dazai in before Chuuya and gushes about something or the other and how happy she is that they are going to the Tanabata Festival, etc.

Chuuya isn’t jealous. That’s not what is bothering him. The fact that she could very well find out about Chuuya’s so-called ‘crush’ on Dazai and tease him forever is what haunts him. So, he and Dazai pick the telescope as quickly as possible and mount it up the truck. They say their goodbyes to Ane-san and Chuuya immediately starts the vehicle, hoping that he isn’t being too obvious.

The Festival, according to Dazai, is about an hour away. They don’t have a map on. Chuuya, trusting Dazai and his memory, keeps driving in hopes of reaching soon. And it’s fine too; he can already see people walking with their kimono and yukata, perhaps towards the shrine or towards the stalls. 

After a few minutes more than an hour, Chuuya finally spots the crowd and the huge banners that cover the road. He drives till the end and parks it right beside a large, grassy area. Making sure that everything is locked and the engine is turned off, Chuuya places the key in his pocket and he and Dazai walk towards the mass of people. 

It’s all too nostalgic. The banners, the lanterns, the shops; all remind Chuuya of the day when he was so tiny he had to hold Ane-san’s hand at all times. And Ane-san would never let him go. They’d walk around and she would buy him candied apples to eat. They’d play games and try winning, even though Chuuya had never actually won. He knows that they are rigged, but back then his innocence was such that he would pout and look away but wouldn’t question the game. His sister would then buy him other toys and he’d be happier again. 

Then, there was the wish. He’d always pick the red paper and write for his parents. Ane-san never picked the red ones. She always picked white. Chuuya still wonders what she had wished back then. But, like a tradition, they wouldn’t tell each other what they had written so as to not jinx it. But, a part of Chuuya always knew that Ane-san knew exactly what he had written back then.

Dazai nudges Chuuya who suddenly realises that he had been staring at a bamboo tree. He looks at Dazai who smiles.

“Let’s make a wish.”

Chuuya doesn’t know which colour to pick. He stares at each piece of paper lined on the table of the shop, knowing what each colour represents. He knows that red is for gratuity, more specifically towards one’s ancestor or parents. Red is the colour of determination. Blue is for courtesy and self-improvement. It is the colour of tranquillity and trust. Yellow is for friendship and good relationships. It is for prosperity and long-lasting human relations. White is for determination and responsibility. It is the colour for relaxation and making resolutions. And finally purple is for skills and academics, to improve one’s brainpower.

All of them are suited for particular wishes, depending on person to person. Chuuya isn’t sure at this point what he wants to wish for. 

But, he knows that he does favour one of the papers over the others. Moving his hand on instinct, he picks a yellow paper and heads to a bamboo tree.

Dazai has also picked a yellow sheet, Chuuya notices. Chuuya picks his marker and writes the wish he had thought of on his own paper. The moment he had picked the particular paper, he knew what he wanted to write. He has never picked a yellow sheet when he was a kid. Now, he has a wish only the yellow paper can fulfil.

He finishes writing his wish and reads it again and again. A smile forms on his lips inadvertently and he doesn’t stop it from increasing. He feels warmth in his heart, feeling happiness at getting the opportunity to write his wish. A wish he hadn’t ever thought of asking since childhood. A wish he had never banked on or hoped for. A wish he is so, so proud of.

He ties it slowly on a bamboo stem amongst several other sheets. His eyes move up to see Dazai tying his own on the opposite side. Their eyes meet and Dazai gives him a smile. Chuuya rolls his eyes but smiles back nonetheless.

He moves back to see his paper merging with the other wishes. But, it stands out to him in a way. He smiles at his writing and closes the cap of his marker.

I wish to make my friends happier than they’ve made me.

He looks up to see Dazai smiling at his own paper. Chuuya wonders what he had wished for. A part of him, although, knows that Dazai had probably written the same thing.

“Do you think we can spot the two stars from here?” Chuuya asks as they pick the telescope and walk barefooted on the grass.

“Yeah,” Dazai says. “I don’t think we even need the telescope.”

Chuuya frowns. “Well, I’m gonna use it anyway.”

Dazai laughs. “Sure.”

They mount the telescope on the stable part of the ground. Dazai walks back to the truck as Chuuya sets it up. He returns with arms filled with snacks and sweets, laying them on the ground and grinning at Chuuya.

Chuuya looks up, blinks and then sighs. So, that’s why he went to the store earlier. 

After everything is set up, Dazai settles down on the grass and balances himself on his arms. Chuuya looks through the lens and starts adjusting the dial to get a clearer view. His target is to find the two stars - Altair and Vega. According to the story, they are the representation of the two lovers. Both the stars are only visible today and Chuuya hopes that he can spot them. He knows which constellation he’s looking for. One end of the said constellation must have Altair and if he goes a little higher, he can spot Vega. He keeps adjusting the various dials and searches for the constellation, remembering everything he had studied about it. 

Chuuya finds star hunting quite relaxing and he has been doing it since high school before he had learnt about Astronomy. He finds the night sky more enthralling than the morning, after all.

When he finally spots the constellation, he smiles. He rotates the dial to sharpen the view and searches for Altair. Once the constellation is spotted, searching for the particular stars becomes easier. It’s like looking at a map. If you know which path to follow, it isn’t difficult to find your destination.

“I see it!” Chuuya exclaims, still looking at the star through the eyepiece. “I found Altair and Vega.”

“Oh?” Comes Dazai’s reply. “What is it like?”

“It’s amazing,” Chuuya says, smiling. He removes his eyes and looks at Dazai.

And Dazai, he’s already looking at him. Chuuya would say that his gaze is filled with fondness if he weren’t dead sure that the darkness was playing tricks on his eyes.

“Don’t you want to see?” Chuuya clears his throat and asks.

Dazai smiles. “I’m good.”

Chuuya is glad that it is dark around them. Otherwise, he is pretty sure the reddening of his cheeks would have been blatantly visible. It should be illegal, Chuuya thinks, to be that sweet and cute. He shakes his head and looks back through his telescope, hoping that Dazai won’t notice.

Chuuya searches for more constellations and stars that he can actually name. He only remembers bits from his textbook at this point, being aware of the most popular sets of constellations that he doubts he can see from there. He bites his lip and keeps looking. There has to be something he can find.

A hand tugs on his sleeve and Chuuya turns to find Dazai frowning at him. Chuuya raises his brow and Dazai looks away.

“Come here,” he says, pulling Chuuya away from the telescope.

“Dazai, what are you—?” Chuuya yelps.

Dazai lies down on the grass and pulls Chuuya into lying down beside him. He lets go of his sleeve and looks up at the sky, smiling. “It looks better this way.”

Chuuya turns and lies on his back and looks at the velvet sky. And now, he really sees it. He sees the dark sky look not so dark anymore. The stars, all glimmering in different colours, stand out against the black curtain. And it is the clusters and clusters of about a myriad of stars that makes the sky look more heavenly. 

It’s beautiful, Chuuya thinks.

And Dazai is right. It does look better like this, without a lens to focus on a single star. It is the collection that makes it so beautiful.

“I can’t give you the sunset,” Dazai whispers, “but I can give you the night.”

Chuuya turns his head to look at him. “Who?”

“Erin McCarthy.”

Chuuya doesn’t shift his gaze away. For a while, he lets himself bask at the moment. He lets himself feel everything he has been trying to deny. He lets his heart beat louder and he lets it calm down. And it is just so overwhelming and it makes him feel so warm.

“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night,” Chuuya whispers back.

This time, it is Dazai who slowly turns his head to look at him.

Chuuya looks back at the sky. “Sarah Williams.”

And when Chuuya finally looks back, he hopes that he isn’t imagining the smile that is forming on Dazai’s lips as his eyes soften only and only for him.

“They’re so beautiful,” Dazai says looking at the sky, his voice considerably low.

It’s enough for Chuuya to hear. The noises behind them from the stall are muffled and all that is truly around them is silence.

“They are,” Chuuya agrees.

“I wish,” Dazai starts, “I could be something that beautiful.”

Chuuya doesn’t look at him. He knows this feeling. He knows how Dazai really sees himself. And it makes him terribly sad that he cannot tell him how beautiful he really is. How can he say it too? What would it sound like?

Chuuya bites his lip. He has to say something. He cannot let Dazai think that forever.

Hesitantly, he opens his mouth. “Do you know how the Earth or humans were formed?”

“Are you going to teach me biology right now?”

“No, fucking answer the question, dammit.”

Dazai laughs. “I’ll say no.”

Chuuya doesn’t look at him. “There were explosions amongst the stars. They collided with each other to form other celestial bodies, to form the Earth. And they formed everything that flows in our blood.” Inadvertently, a smile forms on Chuuya’s lips. “It took something so beautiful to break and turn to dust just to create us.” He looks at Dazai. “Doesn’t that make us kind of better than the stars?”

Dazai looks at him in such a shock that it makes Chuuya feel a sense of satisfaction. It makes Chuuya want to keep going.

He looks back at the sky. “And you already know about things like magnesium and iron and everything that is in our blood, right? You cannot artificially produce them or something. The only source for that is the cosmic explosions. We’re all so unique and it sucks that you don’t find that more fascinating than the stars.”

He looks back at Dazai to see him smiling. His eyes are soft and this time, Chuuya lets himself believe that they are laced with fondness. “Thanks, Chibi.”

Chuuya only smiles a bit and turns back to face the sky. Dazai too shifts his gaze. And all they do is lie in silence without caring about when all the people behind them decide to go home or when the clock hits twelve.

And if Dazai ignores the way their pinkies slowly intertwine together and stay like that for what seems like forever, then Chuuya too decides to ignore it just for the night.

Chapter Text

Not knowing why

I feel attached to this world,

Where we come only to die.

-Natsume Soseki

“Have fun!”

“Fuck you,”

Dazai laughs at a groaning Chuuya who really doesn’t want to go for calculus. He has to go, though and there’s nothing that Dazai or well, anyone for that matter, can do about it. So, Chuuya walks to his building as slowly as possible and Dazai laughs and turns for his own subject - Biology.

Dazai does like biology. He likes studying about humans and other creatures. He likes learning about the complex mechanisms of the body. What he particularly enjoys learning each time is how all the different functionings inside the body fit together and work coordinately, taking care of each and every minute detail delicately just so a person could so much as breathe. And there is so much more than just an organ’s working that helps an individual to survive. There are cells and DNA and genes. And everything in them combines to run the body like a well-oiled machine with minimal defaults in them. 

Dazai loves learning these little things, yet he never took biology as his major. Heck, he didn’t even think of choosing something within that field, even though he is thoroughly interested in genetics and biotechnology. He had ended up choosing Psychology even after that. 

Why? Because he has some questions and he really wants some answers.

Dazai enters the class and immediately walks to sit beside Yosano. She looks at him and smiles and Dazai smiles back. 

They fall into an easy conversation, without really thinking beforehand of what to talk about. At the moment, they can speak whatever arrives in their mind and the other simply listens. It’s always been like that and Dazai loves it. He loves the fact that he can talk so openly and freely with Yosano who isn’t judgy to the slightest. And she is perhaps the only person other than Chuuya who can retort back to Dazai’s teasing with the same (if not more) intensity.

When the professor enters, the class goes silent and the duo is forced to stop talking too. She starts teaching pretty much as soon as she enters and Dazai opens his book on the table. The things she says are something he is fairly aware of. He has read about them a ton and he thinks he can afford to be distracted just for a little while. 

He looks to the window beside him and lets his eyes rest outside.

The thing with biology is that even the professor is aware of how much Dazai knows about the subject. Most of the time, she doesn’t bother letting him know that he isn’t concentrating. But, Dazai thinks that perhaps why she doesn’t point it out really is because she doesn’t care. Well, nobody really does, anyway.

He sighs and relaxes, watching a tree standing alone lining the road. There are, of course, other trees beside it, but they aren’t peach blossoms. The one that stands alone is the brightest pink and its own pink petals fall off slowly as the tree sways with the wind. The petals dance around, floating with the current before gently landing on the concrete pavement. Dazai has a sudden urge to go and stand beneath the cherry blossom. He, kind of, wants to pull Chuuya out of his class and drag him along with him. 

“Thought you didn’t like spring,” Yosano says, her eyes on the board.

“Maybe I do like spring,” Dazai mumbles without looking at her.

“Really?” she snickers. “Since when?”

“A few days ago.”

“Interesting.”

When the class gets over and the teacher leaves, the students remain in the room, just like usual. Dazai, somehow, still cannot get his eyes off the window and Yosano isn’t dumb enough to not notice.

“Dazai-kun, are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Dazai feels her eyes boring through his skull and he smiles. After all, he hasn’t felt so ‘okay’ since a pretty long time.

“You’re in love.”

Dazai’s eyes widen and he turns his head slowly to face a smiling Yosano. “What?”

“You’re so in love,” she says again, her smile so wide that it’s visible how much her cheeks might be hurting. “I never knew you were capable of that.”

“I—what? No. I’m not.”

“You are!”

“No.”

“Is it Chuuya-san?”

“...no.”

“You hesitated!”

“I did not.”

Yosano places her palm on her mouth dramatically. “You’re in love with Chuuya-san. How surprising.”

Dazai sighs and looks away. Arguing with Yosano is a fruitless endeavour. Even so, admitting it is far worse of a defeat than continuing his denial. And Yosano does not give up. That is perhaps the worst part.

“Aw, come on, Dazai,” she says, grinning at him. “Admit it.”

“No.”

“You lo~ve him.”

“No, I don’t. Stop.”

“You’re smitten.”

“Ugh.”

“You’re head over heels for him.”

“N—just no.”

Yosano laughs. “Are you really that embarrassed by your feelings?”

Dazai doesn’t say anything.

Is he? Is he embarrassed?

He had never thought of that possibility. Even though Chuuya and he never really had a great first impression, they always fought (and still do), pranked each other and practically announced to the world how much they didn’t like each other, Dazai had perhaps never thought he’d be embarrassed by his feelings.

Catching feelings for someone is normal. It is okay to feel and it is okay to fall in love. But, it does hurt when it isn’t reciprocated. And Dazai has never had problems with crushes before and he’d shamelessly accept all of that. He isn’t embarrassed about having feelings.

So then why is he so much in denial when it comes to Chuuya?

Does he find Chuuya embarrassing? Well, yeah, sometimes, but now that he thinks about it, it’s kind of cute when he does things like screaming in public to catch attention. The question still lingers though; is he embarrassed by Chuuya?

Dazai bites his lip. He’ll loathe himself if the answer turns out to be a yes .

Yosano clears her throat beside him and he turns his head to look at her. She grins and points her chin at the door.

Dazai looks past the door at the main ground. He spots the familiar tuft of orange hair over the adorably shorter boy. He’s talking to someone, Dazai notices. It takes him only a few seconds to realise that it’s Atsushi, whose back is facing him. Dazai watches as Chuuya laughs over something and throws his head back. He watches as he talks with the smile still on his face, with cheeks red and eyes glowing.

And Dazai feels a smile creeping on his own lips.

“You’re in love,” Yosano whispers.

Dazai’s smile widens. “I guess I am.”

Dazai hates being alone sometimes. Of course, there are times when he feels at incredible peace when he’s alone with silence curtaining him from everywhere. During those times, he enjoys reading books with coffee in hand. He enjoys playing video games on his phone or even sleeping in if he is feeling particularly lazy that day, with his headphones on.

But, there are times when he is terrified of being alone. There are times when the same tranquil silence haunts him. When he feels like his room is just as empty as his heart and it’s all too suffocating. And he hates that feeling. He hates fear. But, somehow, he feels like that’s all he is most of his life; afraid.

Today is, perhaps, one of those days. It is one of those days when he feels like holding on to someone even if it’s just for a little while. He is alone in his room and he hates it.

Dazai curls within himself, bringing his knees closer to his chest and resting his head on them. His bed feels awfully cold as if the winter hasn’t passed even when March is about to end. He misses his roommates even though they’re just gone for their classes. They’ll come back soon enough. Chuuya could enter the room any minute now.

But the wait is simply a torture.

The phone buzzes beside him and Dazai picks it to see a new message.

Ok so its real??? You really do like him??

Dazai sighs. It’s Yosano. The entire way to his dorm, all she had done was talk about Chuuya and how she’s still in shock that Dazai actually admitted it. It seems like that conversation was just not enough.

It makes Dazai snicker and he decides to text back.

Yeah?

Ahsjhishshshshsiasddufbudbbdhbhdbdnsokkskssk

Are you okay?

I am just so overwhelmed!

Why?

YOURE IN LOVE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BIG THAT IS??

Dazai laughs. Why is it such a big deal?

…

??

You’ve never been in love.

Dazai bites his lip. He knows that. He knows that he has never loved. He never thought he was capable of it.

He still doesn’t…

You there? Yosano texts.

Yeah.

DAZAIIII

YESSS

YOUVE MADE ME SO PROUD!

THANKYOU

YES!

Dazai feels another set of laughter bubble up in his chest. Even if it’s just for a moment, he likes not being alone. Yosano’s texts come again in spontaneous bursts, most of them being key smashes and Dazai feels lighter, somehow. Is this what it feels like to open up to a friend? So then, how great would he feel if he confessed?

Dazai shakes his head. He won’t do that. He is selfish, but perhaps not that selfish.

He sighs and continues to text with Yosano. He tells her everything, how he had realised and how he was in denial. Now that he had broken down just a piece of the wall he had built up, it feels easier to let it just crumble where he stands. It feels easier to keep going. It feels easier to talk.

And Yosano is patient and supportive. Dazai feels thankful to have her as his friend. Perhaps, he thinks, it isn’t so hard to open up, after all.

He hears the creaking of the door which makes him look up. He feels his stomach flip when he realises that it is Chuuya who had opened the door. But then, the smile that Dazai had seen earlier on his face isn’t there anymore.

He looks back down on his phone as Chuuya closes the door.

Ttyl

Why??

Laterrrr

Chuuya is back, huh?

… yeah.

Before Dazai can close his phone, he feels the bed dip. When he does close his phone, he realises that Chuuya is lying face down on his bed, his groans muffled by the sheets.

“I take it, it was a bad day?” Dazai asks.

Chuuya groans louder which makes him snicker.

“What class did you have?”

“Calculus.”

Dazai blinks. He ends up laughing. “Why did you take calculus? You should have taken Algebra or something,” he shrugs and smirks, “like me.”

“I know!” Chuuya says before lifting his head. “I know, okay? I made a mistake!”

He looks at Dazai and then tilts his head to the other side before letting himself lie on his stomach. “I’m going to fail this year.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah.”

“What did they teach today?”

For a few seconds, Chuuya doesn’t speak. When he does speak, it comes like a hushed mumble.

“What?” Dazai asks.

“Integration!” Chuuya yells. “Don’t you dare laugh at me, you mackerel. I suck at integration and I know that it’s easy otherwise.”

Dazai brings his hand to his mouth in an attempt to stop his laughter. It doesn’t work and Chuuya huffs and looks away again. 

“This sucks,” Chuuya groans.

Dazai ultimately stops laughing and looks at him. “Why? You’ll do it eventually.”

“Will I?”

“Yeah, why not?”

Chuuya sighs, still not looking back at him. “I don’t want a low percentage because of one subject. I’m awesome in all the other ones.”

Dazai blinks and looks down. He feels his cheeks heat up. “Then, you’ll be awesome at Calculus too in due time.”

Chuuya doesn’t turn his head. For a few seconds, Dazai dreads his reaction, wondering if he had morally screwed up.

Then comes a tiny “thanks, Dazai,” and Dazai’s ramming heart slows down comfortably.

He smiles, now having more confidence to keep going. “I think you just need to relax a bit. You know, loosen yourself up.”

Chuuya turns his head, still lying on the sheets. “How?”

Dazai smirks.

“How the hell did you get two whole bottles of wine?” Chuuya gasps, reading the label of the bottle Dazai had casually handed him.

Dazai had hidden those bottles weeks ago in the kitchen. It isn’t just the RA that might come to check their dorm at any given time that he has to hide them from, he also has to hide them from Akutagawa. He is a bit… alcohol repulsed in his own way. And because Akutagawa is dating, even Atsushi isn’t aware of it.

“I snuck it in a few days back,” Dazai shrugs. “You’re not allowed to tell anyone.”

Chuuya hums and looks at the bottle with gleaming eyes. 

Dazai hadn’t bought it particularly for Chuuya because he knows that it is Chuuya’s favourite. Of course, not. But, he is willing to share it if he can calm Chuuya down just a bit.

“Wanna have a glass?” Dazai asks and Chuuya snaps his head back at him with wide, eager eyes.

It makes Dazai snicker. “It almost seems like you found gold or something.”

“I haven’t had it in years,” Chuuya pouts. “Ane-san has forbidden it since the incident.”

Dazai picks two glasses from the counter as Chuuya settles on one of the chairs. He places one near Chuuya’s end and one near his own. Then, he walks back to the counter to pick his phone. 

Without looking back, Dazai sighs. “You’re still not allowed to have too much. We have an early class tomorrow and the last thing either of us needs is you being,” he turns and the final words come out of his mouth slowly and hesitantly, “drunk. ”

Dazai stares at Chuuya for a good minute with his mouth still left open. The same Chuuya who stares back at him while placing the bottle on the table. Correction, while placing an empty bottle back on the table.

“Did you just,” Dazai starts when he finally finds his voice, “did you just down an entire bottle of wine?”

Chuuya keeps his eyes fixed on Dazai and blinks twice. “...no?”

Dazai looks at the bottle and then at Chuuya and then back at the bottle. Unable to form coherent words, his mouth closes on its own.

Ultimately, he walks to the table and settles on his chair and opens his mouth. “Chuuya, how much is your tolerance for alcohol?”

For a few seconds, Chuuya doesn’t say anything. The response then comes as a question. “High?”

Chuuya does not have a high tolerance for alcohol.

In fact, it is so low that he visibly becomes drunk in mere seconds. With eyes droopy and hair a mess, he keeps his head on the table, his words becoming slurry by the minute.

Dazai places his hands on his forehead and stares at him. “Why did you drink so much?”

“You told me to loosen up!” Chuuya yells, seemingly with no control over his voice either anymore.

“So the first thing you do is gulp down an entire bottle?”

“Yeah?”

“Chuuya, no.”

Chuuya lifts his head just a bit and shakes it. “What’s so bad about it?” His words come out more or less incoherent, but Dazai understands at least a bit. “It’s not like—it’s not like I drink every day.”

“Well, no,” Dazai sighs. “But, one bottle is still too much.”

“Noooo,” Chuuya says and laughs. “I can handle it.”

“Can you?”

“Totally.”

Dazai sighs again. This is a disaster. His intention wasn’t to get Chuuya drunk. All he had in mind was to get him to drink just a bit to lighten up his spirits. What he had not expected was that Chuuya would straight up chug the whole thing in a single go. What he had also not expected was that he would have such a low tolerance for it. He definitely regrets this. He completely, utterly regrets it.

“Dazai-san, are you in he—CHUUYA-SAN, WHAT’S WRONG?”

Dazai lifts his head to see Atsushi leaning against the wall, looking at Chuuya with wide eyes.

“Hey, Atsushiiii!” Chuuya slurs out. He squints to look at him. “You’ve grown taller in just a day.”

Atsushi blinks and then glares at Dazai. Dazai sighs. “He hasn’t grown taller. You’re just sitting on the chair while he’s standing.”

Chuuya gasps. “Oh! No wonder!”

“Dazai-san, what did you do?” Atsushi asks, still glaring.

“I didn’t do anything,” Dazai groans. “He just—he drank it while I was looking away.”

“Drank what?”

“Wine.”

“WHERE DID YOU GET THE WINE FROM?”

Dazai waves his hands hastily. “Shhhh, Akutagawa might wake up.”

“He’s going to kick you out of the room, Dazai-san,” Atsushi sighs, glancing at Chuuya.

“... he won’t.”

Atsushi keeps his eyes on Chuuya who places his head back on the table. 

Atsushi bites his lip. “We’ve gotta do something about this.”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out, Atsushi-kun.”

“Maybe throwing away the other bottle is a good start?” Atsushi shrugs.

Chuuya gasps and lifts his head. “There’s another bottle!”

Dazai immediately picks the bottle off the table and lifts it away before Chuuya can seize it.

“None for you,” Dazai says as Chuuya tries to grab it. Thank god Dazai is taller and has a longer arm. He doesn’t even need to stand up to create distance between them.

“But, I want it.”

“You’re still not going to get it.”

Chuuya whines and keeps trying to catch it, all in vain.

“I suppose you can handle things, then?” Atsushi asks.

Dazai snaps his head at him and sees him grinning. “Why are you? What? Why are you smiling while I’m stuck in such a dilemma.”

Atsushi snickers. “No reason. You two are just so cute.”

Dazai feels his cheeks heat up and he sighs. “Shut up.”

“No, really,” Atsushi says. “I don’t approve of the whole wine thing but don’t you think Chuuya-san is kind of adorable like this?”

“He’s always adorable.”

It is followed by pitch silence.

Shit. He said it out loud.

Slowly, Dazai looks back at Chuuya who had paused his attempt to grab the bottle off his hand. He keeps looking at Dazai with curious eyes.

Suddenly he pouts and looks away. “I am not adorable.”

He is so cute, Dazai thinks. He just really wants to kill himself at the moment. He cannot handle so much and he feels like his heart might just swell to burst.

“By any chance,” Dazai says, turning to look at Atsushi, “do you think he might forget about these events by tomorrow?”

“Maybe?” Atsushi shrugs, still smiling wide. “How much alcohol did he have?”

“... an entire bottle.”

“WHAT?”

In the end, Atsushi, a man of his words, does leave things in Dazai’s hands. All he does is tell him not to give Chuuya any more alcohol and somehow get him to bed without making a noise. Then, he bids farewell and goes to sleep.

And Dazai is stuck again with a very, very drunk Chuuya and a bottle of wine that the former is still trying his very best to grab.

“I’m not going to give it, Chuuya,” Dazai sighs.

“Please?”

“No, you’re already terribly drunk.”

“Pleaaaase?”

“No.”

“Dazaiiii.”

“Still no.”

“Dazaiiiiiiiiiiiii.”

“No.”

“...Osamu?”

Dazai’s eyes widen and he feels himself stop breathing for a minute. Did he just call him by his given name? He keeps staring at Chuuya and his bright, blue eyes which are now half-lidded due to his drunken state. He feels a blush creep up on his neck and feels unexplainably warm. He feels so warm, he’s afraid he might start sweating soon enough. And his heart just rams against his ribs. The same heart, that had been aching so long, now aches even more, with intensity so huge, he fears it might rip out of his chest. 

And Chuuya, he tilts his head, with the same look sustained in his eyes. “Please? Osamu?”

Why?

Why the fuck did Dazai hand him the other bottle so silently?

What is wrong with him?

With his head buried deep within his arms, Dazai remains seated at his place, loathing every part of him. Atsushi had given him one job. One job! Do not let Chuuya have even a drop of alcohol anymore. And what did Dazai do?

He directly handed him the bottle, no questions asked.

But… he called him Osamu.

Dazai groans again. He lifts his head to see the other bottle empty and Chuuya who has heavily mellowed down, quite contrary to usual.

“How stressed were you, man?” Dazai asks and gets no reply.

Instead, Chuuya looks up at him for a good minute. Ultimately, he opens his mouth to speak. “Sometimes,” he slurs, “sometimes, I feel like you have a lot to say. But, you just don’t. For some reason.”

Dazai doesn’t say anything. Chuuya is too drunk to function. He’s probably just letting words roll down his tongue at this point.

“I feel like you want to—like you want to say something. But, you always—hesitate. You don’t—you never say things directly.” He places his head back on the table and tilts to look at him. “What is it that you want to say so desperately, but just can’t?”

Dazai’s eyes widen. None of those words could ever come out of somebody’s mouth without meaning anything. And none of what Chuuya had asked is something anybody has ever noticed or Dazai had expected anybody to ask. Naturally, he doesn’t know how to respond.

“I—what are you talking about?” Dazai tries to deflect the conversation. “I think you’re just tired. You should get some sleep.”

Chuuya frowns. “There it is again! You never say anything directly,” he whines and Dazai hopes to all the gods that Akutagawa doesn’t hear it. “If you have something to say then just say it.”

“I have nothing to say.”

“And I think I told you not to lie to me.”

Dazai sighs. He did promise that. But, the things that he desperately wants to say aren’t something he can. 

“Dazai,” Chuuya says, his eyes lingering over Dazai’s own, “what’s your favourite flower?”

The question catches him off guard for a second. Where did it come from? Hadn’t he initially asked a separate question?

Wait, are they really separate?

Chuuya keeps his gaze fixed, waiting with so much patience. It’s like he wants to know everything that is bothering Dazai. As if he is willing to solve it for him. 

And Dazai knows that of all people, Chuuya just might be the only one who can solve it.

Talk to me, he is saying. If not directly, then tell me your own way. But, please tell me.

Dazai sighs and smiles. He thinks back to that day when they walked back home together from the store. It is just that one moment that gives him so much peace to think about and it makes him smile even more.

“Peach flower,” he whispers.

“Peach flower,” Chuuya repeats. 

He looks away and Dazai hopes that he isn’t imagining the blush that is dusted over his cheeks.

Dazai takes a deep breath and stands up. He walks over to Chuuya’s side, picks the empty bottle and throws it away in the dustbin. He comes back to Chuuya resting his head on the table, mumbling incoherent words to himself.

“Come on,” Dazai says, grabbing Chuuya’s arm. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Why?” Chuuya asks but stands up with Dazai’s support nonetheless.

“Because you need rest,” Dazai sighs.

He steers Chuuya towards the exit and they start walking. Chuuya doesn’t fight or fidget out of his grasp. He keeps walking, stumbling at times only to have Dazai hold him so he doesn’t fall. All in all, Dazai doesn’t know if he’s pissed at himself for creating such a situation or absolutely delighted to be able to be so close to Chuuya without getting kicked.

When they reach the bedroom, Dazai notes that Akutagawa and Atsushi, both are asleep. That’s good, he thinks. He steers Chuuya towards his own bed and gets him to lie down.

“Is this my bed?” Chuuya asks, looking carefully at the covers.

“No, it’s mine,” Dazai says, picking his blanket. “Sleep here for tonight.”

“Okay.”

And Chuuya just blacks out, falling directly over the pillow with his face down. Dazai blinks and ends up snickering. 

He pulls the blanket over him and moves near the pillow. Slowly, he adjusts Chuuya’s position and gently handles his head. He’d end up suffocating himself otherwise. Dazai kneels near the bed and watches him with soft eyes, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear.

A part of him wishes to take care of Chuuya forever. But, he cannot succumb to that. The fact that he has a crush on him itself is already too much to handle. He cannot afford to think of wanting more. But, that’s just how it is. That’s just how it always is.

Even wasted, Dazai still finds Chuuya adorable. He still feels something fluttering in his stomach. He still feels love.

Dazai has seen Chuuya at his absolute worst. He has seen him break into pieces in front of him. He has seen him at his most vulnerable times. Yet, all he can feel is adoration. All that comes to his mind is to be able to be with Chuuya, to help him and to make him happy. So, just for a little while, he lets his selfish mind be content in seeing Chuuya laugh around, even though he had to be drunk to actually have that happen.

But, that isn’t to say that a part of him hopes that Chuuya could ever feel the same about him.

That night, Dazai goes to sleep on Chuuya’s bunk, smiling like a middle-schooler with a crush. But, he lets himself smile. He isn’t embarrassed by Chuuya. Not even a bit. 

Without having drunk even a single glass of alcohol that night, Dazai, strangely, feels euphoric nonetheless.

Chapter Text

“Shall we die together?”

You whispered to me

At the night of firefly.

-Suzuki Masajo

Chuuya hasn’t woken up with a hangover in years.

Thanks to his Ane-san mostly, he hasn’t had alcohol in such a long time. But, when he did, suddenly it had been too much to handle. 

With head pounding and screaming against his skull, Chuuya wakes up to another morning, wondering why he is again in Dazai’s bed. Unlike last time, today, it makes him go completely red to even think about the fact that he had slept on the same sheets that Dazai had slept in. Does that mean Dazai slept in his?

Shaking his head, he looks beside him, hoping that his headache would miraculously vanish. It isn’t like Chuuya had been expecting anything different. The wall beside him is the same as how he had seen it last, except that it has more pictures on it now. He likes looking at them simply because of how candid they are. He supposes he hasn’t really looked at all of those pictures in a while.

Because in the end, Chuuya’s eyes fall on the same picture that he always looks at, be it while he passes by the bed or sits down to talk to Dazai. The same picture with Dazai and his two best friends, happily grinning at the camera.

The picture always manages to make him feel something inside. He cannot put a finger on it if he were honest, but he recognises its presence. Every time he looks at the photo, Chuuya feels this pang in his heart, this weird feeling of longing that he cannot explain. He really wishes the three of them were more… permanent.

“Oh, you’re awake,” comes a voice and Chuuya feels like he is having a major déjà vu.

He sees Dazai walk out of the kitchen and smile at him. Suddenly, he glances at the kitchen and then looks back at Chuuya with wide eyes. “Shit, you’re awake!”

“Good morning to you too,” Chuuya sighs.

Dazai rushes and kneels beside the bed. With a hushed tone, he starts talking. “Do you remember anything from last night?”

“I remember chugging down a bottle of wine,” Chuuya shrugs. “That’s all.”

“Actually, you chugged two bottles of wine,” Dazai says in the same low tone, periodically glancing at the kitchen.

“What?” Chuuya yells and Dazai waves his hands to shush him. His voice only ends up lowering a bit. “Why did you let me have so much alcohol?”

Dazai doesn’t look at him, his eyes fixed on the kitchen. “I—I tried to stop you, but it didn’t work.” He finally looks back and lowers his voice even further. “We have bigger problems right now. No matter what happens, you cannot let Akutagawa-kun know that you had alcohol.”

Chuuya raises his brow. He knows that Akutagawa despises alcohol. The only time he entertained it was during Dazai’s birthday a long time back. If he gets to know that Chuuya had, not one, but two entire bottles of wine and literally blacked out due to it, he’d be pissed.

“Fine.”

Dazai smiles. “Great!” He looks down and checks the time on his watch. “Oh, we have class.”

Chuuya groans. He’s too hungover to attend classes. Well, it’s not like he has any other choice.

Dazai stands up and walks towards the kitchen. Midway, he stops and looks back, lowering his voice once again. “Also, Atsushi-kun thinks you had only one bottle,” he grins. “So, help me out, will you?”

“Huh?”

“Thankssss,” Dazai says before leaving. “I’m counting on you!”

Literature class is a bliss, usually. All Chuuya has to do is sit and listen to the teacher read out the play. It’s easier when he reads it later, so it’s not like he has to particularly do anything during the class. The best part about literature is that Chuuya is already aware of a lot of books because of Ane-san. He knows the characters and he knows their stories without reading a single page. The important quotes are something he has heard tons of times. Most of the time, it is in the middle of absolutely anything when Dazai stands next to him and whispers the words. 

It is filled with secrecy. The hushed words are something so reserved for Chuuya, he wonders if Dazai ever says those things to anyone else at all. A part of him hopes that he doesn’t. A part of him hopes that there is at least something about Dazai that is only Chuuya’s to have. Something that no one else has access to. Something Chuuya and only Chuuya can keep close to himself.

And the unexpectedness about it has almost completely vanished by now. Each time Dazai says something, Chuuya knows how to respond. Chuuya just knows what he can say to make him smile.

He really hopes that his own words are something that Dazai holds dear too.

On the way back to his dorm after a good two-hour class, Chuuya feels his phone ring. He fishes it out of his pocket and smiles. 

Ane-san.

He accepts the call and places the phone near his ear. “Hello?”

“Chuuya!”

“Yes!”

“How are you?”

“I’m great. You? How’s your leg?”

Ane-san laughs. “Oh, my leg is perfect now. I even went to the office a week ago.”

“That’s great.” Chuuya smiles.

He feels his shoulders relax more. Worrying isn’t new to him and he’s fairly used to that. But, even so, once in a while when he hears good things, he can’t help but feel content. And he had been worried for a while about his sister’s well being. It is a relief really, to know that she is okay now.

“What else?” Ane-san says. “How are your studies going?”

Chuuya sighs. “Okay, I guess. Everything except calculus is going pretty good.”

Ane-san laughs. “It’s alright. I’m sure you’ll do it.”

“Yeah, I hope so.”

Chuuya exits the gates of the college and enters those of his dorm building, walking past a group of students outside. He is in a hurry, he knows. All of his roommates are back in his room and he absolutely loves spending time with them.

“Ooh,” Ane-san says, “how was your White Day? Get any chocolates?”

Chuuya pauses his walk. “Y—yeah. I did.”

For a few seconds, Ane-san doesn’t speak. Chuuya can’t come to move a hair.

The thing is that Chuuya is terrible at lying. He doesn’t particularly lie a lot, but when he does, it ends up being really lousy. And the worst part is that Ane-san always, always sees through it each time. That is perhaps why Chuuya cannot even budge from his spot. He knows that he has some explaining to do.

“Chuuya,” Ane-san finally speaks, her grin audible to Chuuya from miles away, “is there something you want to tell me?”

Chuuya closes his eyes. He did see that coming, even though he had hoped that she would let it pass or simply wouldn’t notice.

“Why do you say so?” he tries anyway.

“You hesitated when I asked about chocolates.”

“So?”

“So,” she sighs. “Is there something that’s bothering you?”

“...no.”

“I totally believe you.”

“Ane-san,” Chuuya sighs.

He can’t get out of it, now. He’s already trapped. And his sister is pretty good at persuading too. Chuuya accepts defeat. If there’s anything he knows about his sister he has known for his entire life, it is that there is no way you can win against her in an argument.

“Chuuya,” she says, “I won’t force you to speak.”

What?

“What?”

“You’re an adult now and I understand that you’d have things you’d rather not share,” she continues. “But, if something is bothering you, you can always talk to me.” She sighs. “You have a terrible habit of not taking help anyway, so as your sister I should remind you again and again that sometimes it’s okay to ask for help.”

Chuuya looks down, unable to answer. Of course, there are things that are bothering him. He is in such an unknown territory and he doesn’t know what to do. It’s easy for people around him to hear him out and say that he should man up and face his feelings and be brave enough to confess. It’s too easy to give advice. It isn’t easy to act on it. It’s confusing, this muddle of emotions that keep making his heart race and make his stomach do weird things at all times. And the worst part is that everyone around him seems to know exactly what that feeling is and how to deal with it. They are far more experienced than Chuuya and it bothers him a bit. He doesn’t hate feeling, but he hates being confused.

“I—Ane-san,” Chuuya says, remaining rooted on the spot. “There is something bothering me.”

For a few seconds, Ane-san doesn’t speak. But then when her voice finally comes, Chuuya swears he hears her smile. “Tell me.”

“Okay, first of all, I am so happy!” Ane-san exclaims when Chuuya is done talking. “Second of all, it’s easy to get out of it. Just confess.”

Chuuya sighs. He supposes he did expect that. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because they’re close to me,” Chuuya says. “I’ll ruin our bond.”

Ane-san laughs. “That’s how it always is with crushes. You always feel like you don’t deserve the other. That confessing would make things worse,” her voice lowers soothingly, “but it isn’t true. It’s never true.”

“Then?”

“Look,” she says, sighing, “I don’t know who this person is. And I get that you don’t want to tell me their name, that’s okay. But, I’m pretty sure that they’re a human.”

“Pretty sure?” Chuuya raises his brow. “You think I’ll choose an animal instead?”

“It’s your first time, you never know,” she laughs. “But, more seriously, every human likes being told that they are loved.”

Chuuya’s eyes widen a fraction and he looks down.

“If rejection is what you fear, then I understand your decision to not tell them,” Chuuya feels her smile. “But, if it is about regret, then I think you’ll hold more of it if you don’t ever tell them.”

“But—”

“I’d suggest that you think about it a bit rather than follow what I tell you to,” she says. “It’s your decision, in the end. But,” she laughs, “there isn’t a single human in the world, Chuuya, who would hate another person for telling them they are loved.”

The door opens with a creak as Chuuya enters his room. Ane-san is still on the phone and they had changed the topic ages ago. She had realised almost immediately when Chuuya did not wish to speak more about his ‘crush’ and started asking other things about his roommates. Chuuya is thankful for that. 

He closes the door and moves in towards the beds. The other three are right there, talking amongst each other and laughing. Chuuya settles down beside Dazai on his bed and continues talking to his sister, feeling comfort seethe into him. Dazai raises his brow at him but Chuuya doesn’t reply. Eventually, Dazai ends up grinning as if he has realised who he was talking with.

It’s perfect timing, really, when Ane-san asks, “So, where’s Dazai-kun? Haven’t heard about him from you in a while.”

“Dazai?” Chuuya says and looks at Dazai beside him who smiles. Without breaking eye contact, he says, “No, I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“I’m right here!”

Ane-san laughs from the other end and Chuuya groans. “What is with you two? Why do you get along so well?”

“It’s fate, Chuuya,” she laughs.

The sun is setting when Dazai finally hands him back his phone. It’s beautiful, the orange sky with its shades of pink and red lining the sun. Chuuya pulls his gaze away and takes the phone, checking the time and then placing it on the table. He looks up to see Dazai gazing at the window.

He looks back at Chuuya and smiles. “Wanna watch the sunset with me?”

Hatching the window open, Chuuya and Dazai take their respective places on the window sill. Even though it's fitting, Chuuya is glad that their room has enough space below the window just to sit and look outside. And the view is perfect, really. It’s a lovely sight, to watch the sun dip slowly behind the buildings that do little to cover it. The sky looks so empty and yet so full simply because of the various shades that seem to glow whilst lining the clouds. It’s beautiful and it manages to calm Chuuya down considerably.

He sighs and lets his shoulder relax. For a while, just for a while, he wants to forget about everything that troubles him. He wants to bask in the presence of the golden light in hopes of seeing the sky light up even after the sun sets when it is only the moon that shines.

“There are times,” Dazai whispers beside him, “when I’m convinced I am unfit for any human relationship.”

Chuuya’s eyes widen. He is used to this, he really is. But, there are certain things that Dazai says that makes him stop and think. Chuuya turns his head slowly to look at him. Dazai doesn’t meet his gaze. Instead, it lies simply over the sky outside. The usual smile that accompanies his wistfulness, isn’t there today.

“Franz Kafka,” Dazai says without prompt as if he knows what Chuuya wants to ask.

But, this isn’t what Chuuya had wanted to ask. “Why?”

“I don’t understand humans.”

Chuuya blinks. “You’re a human, aren’t you?”

Dazai’s lips twist into a tiny smile. “I wish, more than anything, that I were.”

“What makes you think that you’re not?”

“I don’t know,” Dazai sighs, his eyes not moving an inch away from the view outside. “I feel different from humans. Humans and their desires and emotions.”

Chuuya frowns. “Are you saying that you’re emotionless?”

“I don’t know.”

“What else do humans have and you don’t?” Chuuya further asks, his frown deepening even more.

“A desire to live...” Dazai whispers.

“And you desire to die?”

Chuuya doesn’t know why he asks that. It’s absurd to ask a suicidal person if they wish to die. What is the point of asking it when it is obvious that he does, in fact, wish to kill himself if he can? The reason, however, lies behind the fact that Chuuya dearly hopes that once, just once, Dazai would say that he doesn’t really want to die.

The answer, albeit not being the one Chuuya had hoped for, still manages to surprise him. 

“I desire peace,” Dazai says. “And what’s more peaceful than death?”

“Living?” Chuuya tries.

“Is it?”

Chuuya closes his mouth. Is it? Is living really more peaceful than death? Chuuya wouldn’t know. He hasn’t experienced death in any shape, way or form. How can he determine which is better and which isn’t without undergoing both the phenomena? But, the thing with experiencing both is that he doesn’t get the option to choose. Nobody does. Once death comes, there is no way to choose life again. What, in the end, is more peaceful then?

It is the hesitance that makes Chuuya choke on his own words, but he speaks nonetheless. “It’s true that existence is more of a survival at this point. There are going to be moments when you feel like death is a better option. But,” he looks away, lowering his voice, “I don’t think it is.”

“Why is that?”

Chuuya sighs, letting himself talk rather than think too much into it. “Because if you desire peace then death is not going to give you that. The truth is that you don’t want to die.” He bites his lip. “You want to live. It’s a constant fight inside of you; one demanding peace and one demanding death. I—I think that’s why the line between them looks so blurred sometimes.”

For a few seconds, neither of them speaks. Chuuya feels his heart race. Has he ruined everything? Has he broken Dazai more than he already was?

But then, a tiny voice comes up, “Will living give me peace?” and Chuuya really hopes that he isn’t imagining the little amount of expectancy in it.

“Living in the right way might,” Chuuya decides to say.

“What is the right way?” 

Chuuya looks further away, not quite ready to meet Dazai hopeful gaze just yet. “I—I don’t know. Maybe calling yourself a human is a good start.”

“What makes you think I am a human?”

“Many things.”

“Enlighten me,” Dazai smiles.

Chuuya turns to look at Dazai who patiently waits. He is smiling. But, his gaze is such that it feels like he isn’t expecting an answer. As if he isn’t anticipating anything positive.

And Chuuya desperately wants to prove him wrong. So, he starts speaking whatever comes to his mind. “You’re a human because you have a body like one. You have a mind and a soul. You have a conscience and you can talk.” He looks back to the window. “But far above all that, you are capable of love.”

For the first time, Dazai hesitates. “I—I am capable of love?”

“Yeah, you are,” Chuuya lets himself smile just a bit, feeling more comfortable to keep talking. “You love Atsushi and Akutagawa like they're your own brothers. You look out for them and you take care of them,” he looks back at Dazai. “You love your friends, like Ranpo, Kunikida, Ango. You love the friend you lost; Oda. You love learning new things,” he snickers, “even though you’re lazy as hell. You love photography,” Chuuya points at the bed behind them, “and the pictures stacked over your bed are proof of how much you love your friends and just how afraid you are of losing them.” He lets his hand fall back. “You love quoting literature. You love crabs and everything revolving around them. You love writing stories. You just—” he sighs, “you love so many things. Isn’t that what makes us all humans? The capability to love?”

Chuuya keeps his eyes fixed on Dazai whose gaze keeps searching for something in Chuuya’s own eyes. His eyes are wide, clearly in shock. But, Chuuya really doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

Eventually, Dazai looks down and whispers, “It’s hard to love.”

“And yet you do it.”

“It’s hard to live.”

“It is.”

“Why should I keep living?” Dazai doesn’t meet Chuuya’s eyes.

And Chuuya doesn’t hesitate to speak this time. “Because the people you love, love you back just the same.”

It makes Dazai look up in an instant. He frowns, though. “How do you know that?”

“I just do.” Chuuya smiles. “Trust me for once.”

Dazai’s gaze lingers just for a while before he turns to look back at the window.

Chuuya feels like he isn’t convinced. So, he tilts his head and keeps his smile. “Please?”

Dazai doesn’t look back, but he smiles. “Okay.”

“I have pictures of you too,” Dazai says, gazing at the sky as the sun finally vanishes completely, “in that collection of mine.”

“Are you afraid of losing me, then?” Chuuya snickers.

Dazai smiles and whispers, “Terrified.”

Their gaze over each other stays for what seems like an eternity, before the ringing of a phone breaks it. Chuuya feels somewhat nostalgic, thinking back to the day of the snow. He looks away as Dazai blinks out of his stupor.

“That’s my phone,” he says as it continues to ring. “I’ll be right back.”

Chuuya nods and Dazai gets up to walk towards the kitchen where his phone had been ringing from.

Chuuya looks back to the window and feels his face heat up tremendously. It takes him a while to collect himself and realise the entire conversation that had taken place just a few moments ago. Had he said too much? Or was it not enough? Wait, were his words even right? Would they help at all?

He stands up, mostly because he is panicking and sitting isn’t going to help him in the slightest. Chuuya is not good at dealing with the bouts of existential crisis he gets after his short conversations with Dazai. There are so many different feelings that are roaming in his mind, cumulating it into this muddle of confusion and helplessness that he doesn’t know a way out of. He lets his head rest over his arms that he had balanced against the window sill, sighing at his pathetic state.

He hears footsteps beside him which stops with the sounds of faint coughs.

“This sucks,” Chuuya groans.

“Why is that?” Akutagawa’s voice comes.

Chuuya lifts his head and keeps his eyes outside the window, now at the stars that line the sky. He sighs. “What do I do?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

Chuuya sighs again. “Why does it sound so easy to just confess, but then when you actually think of doing it, it sounds so… painful?”

“I think keeping it to yourself ought to be more painful.”

“It is.”

“Then, just say it.”

Chuuya laughs and keeps his eyes on the window. It is pretty sad that for his entire life Chuuya had the notion that he is the bravest. That there is nothing that can ever faze him. He supposes a walking, brunet mummy with an obnoxious grin wasn’t what he had expected that could crumble his facade so easily.

“You know how Dazai-san only takes pictures of things he loves, right?” Akutagawa mumbles.

Chuuya looks at him and blinks. “Yeah?”

Akutagawa shifts his gaze towards Dazai’s bed and Chuuya’s eyes automatically follow. At first, he doesn’t quite realise what Akutagawa is trying to show, but then he looks, really looks. There are more pictures on it than when he had first seen it. He knows that most of them are of his friends, but what finally comes to his notice is the number of pictures that have his own face, sometimes facing the camera and sometimes otherwise. His eyes widen. How had Chuuya not noticed his picture on every corner of the wall? How had he not noticed how there is orange everywhere on the blank wall? How could it all slip so easily under his eyes?

His mouth opens and he lets out nothing but a breath.

Is Dazai truly terrified of losing him? As much as Chuuya is terrified of losing Dazai?

A yelp makes Chuuya look up as he notices Dazai stumbling out of the kitchen. He notices two hands behind him as if they pushed him out of the room. It doesn’t take a lot of time for Chuuya to realise that it’s Atsushi behind him who looks at Akutagawa and calls him hurriedly. Akutagawa’s eyes widen by a fraction and he walks towards the kitchen, soon enough being dragged away by Atsushi who gives Dazai a final push and a grin before disappearing.

Dazai looks at Chuuya with nothing to say. His cheeks are red, for some reason which makes Chuuya look away.

He can’t take it anymore. He really can’t. He doesn’t mind being called selfish, but he has to do something. And every good thing comes with a cost, after all. Chuuya can handle that. At least, he can try to.

“Dazai,” 

“Chuuya,”

Chuuya pauses. They had spoken at the exact same time. It makes Dazai snicker a bit and Chuuya sighs.

“Go ahead,” Dazai says, still smiling just a bit.

There is impatience in him, though, in the way he keeps tapping his feet on the floor and his fingers play among each other, and Chuuya can feel it. Is there something that he really wants to say? It must be important then.

“No, it’s fine,” Chuuya says, losing his initial confidence by the minute. “It’s not that, uh, it’s not—”

“Important?” Dazai tries.

“It’s not not important, I guess,” Chuuya says. He can’t do it, in the end. He’s not brave enough. He sighs. “But, it’s fine. You, uh, you were saying?”

Dazai blinks. “Okay, uh,” he looks down, his impatience blatantly visible now. “Well, mine is very important.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Chuuya says and looks away.

“Okay,” Dazai says and shuffles his feet on the floor. 

Chuuya doesn’t meet his gaze. He really cannot handle his feelings right now. 

It takes him a minute to realise that the shuffling had stopped. Instead, now there are sounds of rapid pacing directed towards him. It makes him turn his head.

He sees Dazai walking closer to him. He expects him to stop and finally speak, but he doesn’t. He keeps moving. Something makes Chuuya stay rooted to the floor, though, not wanting to shift away even though Dazai is now close, close, closer to him.

“Dazai—?” he says, but is interrupted.

More specifically, he is interrupted by two hands flying towards his cheeks and a pair of lips touching his own. For a second, Chuuya doesn’t realise what is going on. But, when he does, his eyes widen considerably.

He is being kissed. By Dazai. 

That thought alone makes his brain go haywire and he feels his cheeks go so red, that he’s afraid he’ll end up burning.

It doesn’t even last for long when Dazai moves away only slightly, letting their noses still touch.

Dazai’s eyes open and he clears his throat. “That, uh, yeah. That’s pretty much it.”

Chuuya looks up and realises how red Dazai’s own cheeks are. Suddenly, an unexpected thought floats in his mind. He is nervous too. Dazai is nervous too. It isn’t all overwhelming just for Chuuya. Dazai has feelings too and Chuuya hates himself for never seeing how he had also been coping with it.

“You, uh,” Dazai says without meeting his eyes. He clears his throat again. “What did you want to say earlier?”

“Pretty much the same thing,” Chuuya says. He looks down and mumbles the last bit, “Wasn’t planning on the kiss, though.”

For a few seconds, neither of them speaks. Chuuya looks up hesitantly to see Dazai staring at him.

Eventually, he blinks out of his trance and smirks. “So, you don’t want me to kiss you?”

“I didn’t say that!” Chuuya yells, a little too loud for his own likings. He sighs. “Stop putting words into my mouth.”

“Oh, I can put a lot of things in your mouth.” Dazai grins, letting himself move even more closer.

“Gross, Dazai,” Chuuya frowns. “You’re so gross.”

“What do you want me to do then?” Dazai laughs.

“Kiss me.”

And Dazai does just that.

It is easy. It is so easy to just melt into one another at the moment. It seems as if time has stopped moving. As if the stars are shining brighter just for them under the moonlight. And the kiss is so soft and sweet that it makes Chuuya’s heart feel inexpressibly weak. Chuuya has never done this before, but somehow it feels familiar. The feeling is so close to him and the familiarity it holds just because it is Dazai is something that makes him feel warm. Dazai has to bend to reach him, but he isn’t complaining. Even though Chuuya is a terrible kisser, he isn’t complaining. He just wants to stay there just like Chuuya does, hoping that this never ends.

Their hands meet and their fingers intertwine on their own. Dazai’s hand squeezes Chuuya’s hand firmly as if he had been waiting for an eternity to hold it. And Chuuya of all people understands it. After all, he knows just how much it had killed him that he couldn’t do this before, that he couldn’t hold Dazai close to him like this. Like he could keep holding on to him as much as he wants to.

When they move away, Chuuya is quite unable to open his eyes yet. Their faces don’t move away and their noses still touch.

“Thus, with a kiss, I die,” Dazai whispers.

“Don’t quote Shakespeare.”

Dazai grins. “Do double suicide with me?”

Chuuya’s eyes open. “How about you live with me instead?”

Dazai laughs. He moves closer and kisses Chuuya and mumbles with a smile against his lips, “I’d like that. I’d really like that.”

Chapter Text

Love between us is

Speech and breath.

Loving you

Is a long river running.

-Sonia Sanchez

“Pancakes are always better with maple syrup,” Atsushi huffs from the counter before flipping the pancake on the pan he holds.

“They taste better with honey,” Akutagawa argues, pouring an unhealthy amount of honey on his plate.

Atsushi groans. “You’re drowning your pancakes!”

“I’ll drown you if you don’t shut up already.”

Dazai sighs and lets out a snicker. The morning is just as usual, starting with Atsushi and Akutagawa’s ‘loving’ arguments and perhaps ending with them pouting and kissing each other goodbye nonetheless. It’s sweet, really and Dazai loves eavesdropping.

Atsushi picks a plate and places the pancakes on it, walking towards Dazai and placing it in front of him. Dazai smiles but slides it over to the empty seat.

When Atsushi raises his brow, Dazai smiles. “Chuuya has early class.”

“He hasn’t woken up yet, has he?”

“No, but he’d have to rush when he does.”

Atsushi blinks at him and glances at Akutagawa. Then he looks back at Dazai and smirks. “How sweet of you, Dazai-san.”

“I am pretty sweet, aren’t I?” Dazai snickers and opens his phone.

When Chuuya does wake up, he creates a chaos… just like usual.

“I am late, I am late, I am late, I am late,” he chants while picking his bag and hurriedly setting his hair as appropriately as possible. He reaches the dining table and screams, “I am late!”

“Want me to pack your breakfast?” Atsushi asks from the counter.

“Yes, please!” Chuuya says before leaving the kitchen for something else.

Dazai can’t help but laugh at that and Atsushi only smiles and sighs, shaking his head but picking a tiffin nonetheless.

Chuuya has this terrible habit of not hearing his alarm go off. When he sleeps, he sleeps like a king, without really being bothered about the noises or lights around him. That’s probably why he drools so much.

It’s completely unlike Dazai too, who tends to be a light sleeper. Even the slightest shuffling of feet or the light taps of the switch being turned on or off wakes him up. He doesn’t know why he cannot completely shut his mind like Chuuya can. A part of him remains awake for some reason and it’s hard to point it out. And it isn’t that Dazai doesn’t like sleeping. Of course, he does. But, somehow he cannot sleep fully even if he tries. He doesn’t think he has ever slept completely in his life.

Chuuya isn’t like that. He gets his complete sleep and he doesn’t care what happens outside. It’s more like what happens outside his sleep doesn’t really matter.

Even so, today, Chuuya looks exceptionally tired. Quite contrary to what he’s truly like, it seems more as if he hadn’t slept last night. His eyes are still drowsy and his movements are slow even if he’s trying to be as quick as possible for his class.

When Atsushi hands him his packed breakfast, he takes it and hugs him. Shocked, Atsushi hugs him back hesitantly.

“You’re awesome,” Chuuya says. “See ya!”

Chuuya waves to all of them and rushes out the door.

Atsushi brings his hand up but blinks. “That was Chuuya-san, right?”

Akutagawa sighs and stands up, picking his plate and walking towards the sink. “I think he’s too tired to remember his actual personality.”

“An ideal tsundere, after all,” Atsushi laughs before picking his own plate and walking to the table.

Dazai laughs. But, a part of him remains worried.

“But why?” Dazai whines.

“No means no, Dazai,” Kunikida says as they cross the gates.

“But—”

Kunikida stops walking and sighs. “You know that Fridays are the busiest days, Dazai. You can take a day off tomorrow, but not today.”

Dazai groans. “I’m tired, though.”

“Not my problem.”

Dazai groans again as they continue walking but doesn’t argue. It isn’t the first time that he had begged for a holiday from work but had gotten none. Even though Kunikida is an easy prey to lies and pranks, no one can ever win against him when it comes to efficiency. It sucks for Dazai who is perhaps as efficient as a sloth at this point. 

“Why do you need a leave anyway?” Kunikida asks.

“I’m tired.”

“Stop lying.”

“Ugh fine,” Dazai sighs. “I wanted to stay in with my roommates for an evening I guess.”

Kunikida pauses to blink at him. “Oh. That’s… well, not as unproductive as I imagined, I suppose.”

Dazai grins. “So, does that mean…?”

“No.”

“Aw, come on!”

“No. You can have your family night tomorrow.”

Dazai stops just for a second. A tiny smile forms its way on his lips.

“What?” Kunikida asks, turning to face him.

Dazai grins and shakes his head before joining him. ‘A family night’ doesn’t sound so bad, after all.

The class is in an uproar as usual when Dazai enters. He lets his eyes gaze at the back of the room and grins as he spots the familiar orange tuft of hair. He’s glad he shares Psychology with Chuuya. A little familiarity is good, he thinks. Before Chuuya had joined the college, he had to sit alone in a corner. He always had other classmates who’d come and talk to him, but they weren’t friends. He cannot be casual with them, he cannot open up to them. But, somehow, it is so easy to talk to Chuuya. It is so easy to simply sit with him and breathe, something he hadn’t done in such a long time. It isn’t suffocating anymore and he doesn’t feel the need to let his guard up each time he talks.

And Chuuya is perhaps the only person who could ram through Dazai’s walls and he’d still be okay with that. 

Dazai walks towards their seat and sits beside Chuuya who has his head on the table.

“Tired?” Dazai asks as he removes his bag and hangs it over the chair.

Chuuya groans, turning his head to face him. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Why?”

“No reason.”

Dazai hums. Chuuya lifts his head and yawns, letting his hand slip through his hair and messing it more than it already had been. Dazai watches as he stretches and rubs his eyes, looking more and more exhausted by the minute. It’s cute, somehow and yet concerning.

Suddenly, Dazai gets an idea that he is, well, quite proud of. He grins. “I have a super awesome way to make you more energetic.”

Chuuya looks at him and blinks. “What way?”

Dazai smirks and Chuuya narrows his eyes. “I feel like I shouldn’t trust you.”

“Oh, you should always trust me, Chibi.”

Chuuya scoffs. “As if,”

Dazai doesn’t say anything else. With a smile, he moves closer and brings his hand up to Chuuya’s cheek.

“Dazai, what are you—?”

Before he can finish his sentence, Dazai closes the gap between them. The kiss is awkward and haste, but Dazai doesn’t mind. It still makes him giddy to think that he can very well kiss him and nothing will happen. Chuuya isn’t going anywhere. He won’t leave him.

When he pulls away, Chuuya’s eyes are wide and his face is completely red. Dazai smiles. “You awake now?”

“W—what?”

Dazai laughs and then laughs even more when he sees Chuuya become redder than he is. He pushes Dazai away and opens his mouth to scold him. When no words come out, he makes a strained noise before huffing and looking away.

“Aww, are you embarrassed?” Dazai asks.

“Shut up, bastard! A warning would have been nice.”

Dazai laughs at that, ignoring a random student’s excited screams of, “Dazai finally found his suicide partner, you guys!”

“You are so, so—” Chuuya starts, not meeting his eyes.

“Charming?” Dazai tries.

“No!” Chuuya yells, now finally facing him. “You’re so agh!”

“Hot?”

“Obnoxious!”

“Is that so?” Dazai asks, resting his chin on his palm and smiling.

“Yes!” Chuuya says, crossing his arms. “You’re an embarrassment!”

“Oh,” Dazai smirks. “I won’t kiss you then. If you’re that embarrassed, that is.”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything, without meeting his gaze. The class goes silent when the teacher enters and Dazai starts rummaging through his bag for his book.

It is when the teacher starts speaking that Chuuya mumbles from his desk, “I didn’t say that...”

And Dazai can’t help but smile at that.

Chuuya is more awake now, thanks to Dazai. They walk out of their class to head back towards their dorms. Chuuya hasn’t talked to him since the class and quite honestly, it only makes Dazai anxious. Did he do something? Well, he always does something , but he cannot think of anything that can offend him at the moment. Yes, he had kissed him abruptly in front of the whole class and embarrassed him at that… oh.

Dazai mentally smacks himself. Chuuya has never dated anyone ever and isn’t used to these things. He isn’t used to physical acts of affection. He isn’t used to having someone he can hold hands with and go on dates with. What if Dazai is going too fast? Does his impulsive act scare him?

And Chuuya isn’t facing him. His gaze is on the other side, at the buildings perhaps. Had Dazai morally screwed up on the very first day itself? The silence irks Dazai. It makes him so uncomfortable to see Chuuya like this, without talking or screaming at him about something. 

So, he stops walking. “Chuuya?”

When Chuuya realises that Dazai has stopped, he turns. “Yeah?”

“Are,” Dazai sighs, feeling his impatience take over, “are you mad at me?”

Chuuya blinks for a few seconds. “Huh?”

“Um,” Dazai says, not liking how timid he sounds even a bit, “I feel like you’re, uh, angry? At me? Did I,” he sighs and looks down, “did I screw up?”

He glances at Chuuya whose eyes widen. What happens next manages to surprise Dazai a lot more than he had expected.

Chuuya laughs. It starts with a snicker and then turns to a full-fledged laugh as he snorts and covers his mouth.

“You’re such an idiot, Dazai,” he says, shaking his head and turning to walk towards the gate.

Confused, Dazai stands there and blinks at nothing. Regaining his composure, he hurries to catch up with him.

“So, you’re not mad?”

“Obviously not, you moron.”

“Oh,” Dazai says, feeling his cheeks heat up.

Chuuya’s snickers and keeps walking. Eventually, he stops laughing and looks away. “Why are you so anxious?”

“I’m not.”

“Shut up, I can recognise paranoia anywhere.”

Dazai sighs. “I don’t know.”

For a while, nobody speaks. The tension in the air is so thick that it is tangible and Dazai only grows impatient by the minute. He still doesn’t say anything, not quite sure what he wants to convey.

“Dazai,” Chuuya ultimately says, his gaze at the horizon in front of them. “I know that you’re more experienced at this and I’m not. And I know that puts you in an awkward situation.” His gaze lowers as if he is hesitant himself. “Even though I don’t know most of the things, I know that I’m not clueless about it.” He looks up at Dazai and smiles in an almost-tease, “So, stop being so cautious about everything around me.”

Dazai’s eyes widen just a fraction and he cannot come to blink.

Chuuya clicks his tongue and looks away, “just fucking be yourself or something, you dumb shit. That’s more than enough for me.” The last of what he says comes out as a mumble. “I don’t care for anything else.”

He keeps walking, not waiting for Dazai to catch up. But, it is the red creeping on his neck that makes Dazai smile.

“You coming?” he asks.

Dazai smiles and nods, rushing to walk with him. He feels himself sigh in relief. Something about Chuuya’s words is awfully comforting and he gains a new sense of confidence now.

“Go on a date with me?” he asks, making Chuuya snap his head at him.

“Date?”

“Yeah.”

He thinks for a while before smirking. “You’re paying, though.”

Dazai laughs. “Okay.”

The excitement makes Dazai work more efficiently for Kunikida’s tastes. After his shift is over, Dazai has a date and the thought makes him overwhelmingly happy. The smile never ceases to leave his face and he’s okay with that. The fact that he can smile more openly and genuinely now makes him feel happier than he is. 

When another customer leaves and Dazai smiles a thank you at them, he hears a snicker behind him. Turning his head, he looks at Ranpo who rests his legs up on the counter.

“Good day so far?”

“Yeah,” Dazai laughs.

“I see,” Ranpo-san says, focusing back on the little wrapper of the candy he had been trying to open.

Dazai very well understands that look. The way he grins and side-eyes Dazai is something he has seen all too much. No one can ever keep a secret from Ranpo-san. It is the rule of nature. At this point, Dazai wouldn’t be surprised if Ranpo can write entire five hundred page novels on each of his friends. The surprising factor, however, could be if he’d actually put any effort in doing so.

So, yes, Dazai knows what he means. It very blatantly conveys that Ranpo knows exactly why Dazai is happy. It makes him laugh, though, as he shakes his head and looks back at the counter.

What surprises Dazai is when Chuuya enters the store immediately after the ‘subtle’ conversation. It seems more as if he had been pushed inside the store based on how he stumbles over the entrance and glares at someone outside the gate.

“Ah, fate,” Ranpo mumbles from his place.

Dazai sighs and waits for Chuuya to regain his composure and walk to the counter with slow steps. He doesn’t meet Dazai’s eyes, but the blush on his cheeks is evident.

When he finally does look up at Dazai, he’s standing near the counter with hands deep in his pockets.

“I thought it was Atsushi-kun’s turn for shopping today,” Dazai says, resting his chin on his hand over the table.

“It is.”

“Where is he then?”

Chuuya sighs and nods his head towards the huge glass windows. Dazai turns and looks outside to see Atsushi showing a thumbs-up and then scurrying behind the bend. 

“Ah, I see,” Dazai snickers.

“Fucker didn’t even give me the list,” Chuuya groans. He starts walking towards the aisles. “I’m just gonna go buy… whatever.”

“Okay,” Dazai laughs, watching him sigh and turn the path.

When Chuuya is well gone out of his sight, Dazai turns to face Kunikida beside him who keeps scanning a customer’s items and typing on the computer methodically.

With eager eyes, Dazai keeps looking at him, making him sigh eventually. “What do you want, Dazai?”

“Is there a chance you’ll let me leave before my shift ends today?”

“No.”

“Please?”

Kunikida sighs again. “Dazai, we already had a talk earlier today.”

“But that was before I had a date,” Dazai whines. “Kunikida-kun, it’s for love.”

Kunikida clicks his tongue in annoyance. “I don’t care if it’s for love or not. You’re not going anywhere before your shift ends.”

“Kunikida-kun, how mean~”

“Yeah, how mean, Kunikida,” Ranpo sides with him.

At that Kunikida gets flustered. “It’s not like I don’t respect that you have a date! We’re just really short on staff today. You can go for your date on weekends.”

“But, all the good places are packed on weekends,” Dazai argues. “I wanna take him somewhere I can actually afford because my paycheck is, for unknown reasons, very less,” he sighs and shrugs.

Kunikida scowls at that. “That unknown reason is your own absence, you absolute idiot.”

“The reasons will, unfortunately, remain unknown,” Dazai says, pointing his finger up. 

Kunikida sighs. “You can have your date after your shift.”

Dazai groans. “Fineee.”

He waits for another customer to come up to his counter and begins to scan their items. It’s fine. He cannot walk home with Chuuya tonight, but it’s fine. They literally live together, he can stay for a few more hours till he can see him again. What he’s particularly confused about is the date. Where would Chuuya actually prefer to go? 

Dazai sighs. Knowing Chuuya and his rich background, he’d much prefer something fancy. And fancy is way out of Dazai’s budget. He’ll have to think of something both of them can compromise upon. 

Perhaps a movie would be nice? But then there aren’t any particularly great movies rolling nowadays. A dinner at a restaurant sounds costly, but something he can still manage. He bites his lip. What else can both of them enjoy together?

Putting all the items in a bag, Dazai hands it to the customer and smiles as they leave. 

“Kunikida-kun?” he asks, turning at the blond who frowns.

“What now?”

“What does an ‘ideal’ date look like to you?”

Kunikida’s eyes widen and he turns to face Dazai. He pauses for a moment and thinks. “Perhaps a nice evening with everything planned beforehand.”

Dazai snickers. “But what is the plan?”

“Depends.”

“Depends?”

“It depends on who it is,” he shrugs. “I’ll pick something that both I and my partner might enjoy.”

Dazai frowns. “How do you know what your partner would prefer?”

Kunikida sighs. “I would ask them, you dumb idiot.”

“Where do you want to go for the date?” Dazai asks while scanning the items in Chuuya’s cart.

“What?” he exclaims.

“Where do you want to go?”

He blinks for a few seconds and looks away, mumbling low, “anywhere is fine.”

Dazai snickers, moving to type something on the computer. “You’ll have to be more specific because at this rate I’ll just put on a movie on the tv and order a pizza to make it a date.”

“I’d like that.”

That makes Dazai look at him. “What?”

“It sounds nice,” Chuuya shrugs.

“It does?”

“Does it not?”

Dazai blinks at him twice before he ends up snickering. “Yeah, it does.”

Chuuya smiles just a bit before looking down at his phone. He scrolls for a while and his eyes widen.

“Oh, they’ve sent the schedule for next semester,” he mumbles. “That was fast.”

“Oh?” Dazai raises his brow, picking another item from the cart.

“Yeah,” Chuuya sighs. “The vacations start from June twentieth.”

“Till?”

“September.”

“Great!” Dazai grins.

Chuuya frowns at his phone. “Are we allowed to go home then?”

“Yeah, of course.”

At that, he smiles. “I’ll text Ane-san then.”

Summer breaks are well anticipated by students every year. It’s very much needed too. After months of hectic days of a class that can range from anywhere between one to about three hours, a vacation is well required by everyone, including the teachers. Dazai does enjoy the vacations when he can finally breathe. Other than the fact that he barely studies anyway, vacations mean that he can relax more and laze around doing nothing. 

But, the thing with summer break is that everybody goes back to their homes for the entirety of two months. It’s a great time really for their families who hope to see their kids after such a long time and it is a great deal of excitement for everyone. Vacations aren’t exciting for Dazai in that sense. He has no home to go to.

“What about you?” Chuuya asks, his eyes on his phone, perhaps letting his sister know. “You’ll go back to your place?”

Dazai doesn’t look up from the computer screen. “No.”

That makes Chuuya look up. “Why not?”

“I don’t go anywhere during vacations.”

Chuuya raises his brow in confusion. “Why?”

Dazai smiles. “I don’t have anywhere to go to.”

For a few seconds, he doesn’t speak. Dazai had expected that, if he were honest. However, he doesn’t quite know how to explain his situation.

“W—what about your family?”

“Don’t have one.”

“What?”

Dazai smiles and faces him. “I don’t have a family.”

He looks back at the screen, continuing to scan the items. He knows Chuuya is staring at him. He knows he owes an explanation. But, he hopes to all gods that Chuuya doesn’t force him to speak about them too much.

And he sighs in relief when Chuuya doesn’t ask about them. Instead, he asks, “where did you live before college?”

“Ah, I lived with Kunikida-kun most of the time,” Dazai says, glancing at Kunikida at the counter beside him.

Kunikida sighs and looks at Chuuya. “It has been a nightmare.”

“I understand,” Chuuya says.

Dazai scowls at that. “Hey, you live with me!”

“I never said it hadn’t been a nightmare for me.”

“You wound me, Chibi.”

“Stop calling me that, you douche!”

Dazai snickers and faces the computer again. He hears shuffling on the other side and the tension in the air is almost visible.

“So, uh,” Chuuya asks, clearing his throat, “you’ll be alone for two months?”

Dazai’s fingers pause for just a second before he resumes typing. He’s alone each year for these two months of holidays, but suddenly he realises that his roommates won’t be there. Chuuya won’t be there. He’ll be alone. Really alone. The sigh he lets out comes with a stutter.

Somehow those two months sound more… excruciating now.

“Yeah,” he replies nonetheless.

“And you’re okay with that?”

Dazai looks at him. The question had been unexpected. Nobody ever really asks if a person is okay with their own decision. And Dazai, who has taken some seriously regrettable decisions in his life, has never been asked that either. It’s always either Dazai, you’re dumb for choosing that or Why would you do that? But, it’s never I support your decision, but are you really okay with it too?

It’s overwhelming in a way for Dazai and it is a question he had never prepared an answer for. It makes him smile, though. It is somehow always Chuuya who surprises him at every turn.

“I will be,” he says.

“And what if you aren’t?”

“I’ll try to be.”

“Two months is a long time,” he frowns.

“It is.”

For a while, Chuuya doesn’t speak. Dazai sets the items, finishing the payment and asking Ranpo to hand a bag. He looks at the things and starts placing the heaviest items in the bag. Perhaps one bag won’t be enough for it, he thinks.

“You could, uh,” Chuuya starts and looks away. “You could come to my place instead?”

Dazai looks up and sees Chuuya trying to avoid his gaze, blushing to the tip of his ears. It’s a simple invitation really, but it means so much. After all that, Chuuya isn’t asking suspicious questions about his family or what happened to them. He just doesn’t want Dazai to be alone, regardless of the reason. And Dazai wants to accept the invitation more than anything.

But, he smiles. “I would have said yes, Chibi, but I can’t.”

“What? Why?” Chuuya looks up.

“I’m under the college custody,” he says, resuming the packing. “Since I don’t have parents, they cannot give permission for me to go to someone else’s place for such a long time. They’ll be held responsible if something happens.” he sighs. “So, legally, I cannot do that.”

“That, wow,” Chuuya says. “That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

Chuuya looks down. “Maybe I can—”

“Don’t,” Dazai says. “You should go.”

“What?”

Dazai smiles. “You were gonna say that you can stay instead, right? Don’t stay. I think you should go.”

Chuuya blinks at him for a few seconds. He clicks his tongue and looks away. “It’s creepy when you do that.”

Dazai laughs. He lifts the bag and keeps it on the counter, readying another bag for the remaining items.

“Seriously, though,” he says. “You should go. After everything that happened with Ane-san, I’m sure she’s excited to see you.” he looks up and smiles. “She’s your only family, right? Don’t upset her.”

Chuuya opens his mouth to argue, but then hesitantly closes it, looking away. Dazai packs the final bag and places it on the counter. Chuuya picks them slowly and steadies them on his hold.

He sighs. “When is your shift going to be over?”

“Eight.”

“Mm, ‘kay,” he mumbles and turns. “See ya.”

“Bye.”

It is when Chuuya is completely out of his line of vision that Dazai groans the loudest and slides over his counter. He has roughly about a month till their vacations start and after that, he’ll be left alone in his room with nothing to do. And no one can really underestimate the amount of laziness that Dazai carries on a daily basis, but this time he doesn’t really want to stay in and do nothing. He wants to be surrounded by his roommates. He wants to wake up and hear the utensils clinking in the kitchen. He wants to be greeted with an excited good morning and an equally mundane nod from his kouhais. He wants to see Chuuya sitting right beside him, kicking him for teasing him again.

He just doesn’t want to be alone.

“Why did I tell him to leave when I wanted him to stay?” He mumbles, with his face glued to the table.

“That sounds so dramatic, Dazai,” Ranpo says. “I think you can lead in a soap opera pretty well.”

“My life is like a soap opera at this point.”

“That’s depressing.”

“I just—ugh!” Dazai says, lifting his face and looking at Ranpo. “I don’t want him to go.”

“Then stop him.”

“I can’t,” he sighs. “I want to stop him so desperately, but I can’t. Ugh, something is wrong with me.”

“Definitely,” Ranpo laughs.

Dazai turns to look at Kunikida. Ranpo is well, not a great person for advice, but if Dazai knows anything about his friends, it is that Kunikida always has a solution.

But, then, all Kunikida does is sigh. “You’re asking the wrong person, Dazai.”

Dazai frowns and looks down. Kunikida sighs again. “But, if it’s any worth, I think it’s good to feel that way. I guess it just means that you’re capable of simple human emotions like missing someone.”

Dazai’s frown deepens and he groans as dramatically as possible. “But, it makes me feel miserable.”

Kunikida turns to face him. “Doesn’t that mean that you care about the boy? Dazai, look, I’m not going to lecture you about this—”

“...You totally are.”

“—But,” he glares at him for a second before continuing, “not all things that make you feel bad have to necessarily be bad. Sometimes, even all the negative emotions come from something good.” He adjusts his glasses and leans against the counter comfortably. “Feelings like sadness, jealousy, they all seem so bad from the outside. But, the truth is that they all root from the fact that you care.” He smiles at him just a bit, pointing his finger up. “And an ideal human must be capable of love and care. So, if the fact that he’s not going to be there with you for the next two months makes you feel so miserable, then he must just be that special to you. And that is always a good thing.”

For a few moments, Dazai doesn’t speak. Then, suddenly, he gasps. “Who are you and what have you done to our dearest Kunikida-kun?”

“Shut the hell up and do your work!”

Dazai laughs. “Thanks, Kunikida-kun. It was helpful.”

“I’m always helpful, idiot,” Kunikida says before turning towards his own counter. “And you’ve successfully wasted five minutes of my time, so I’ll be getting back to my work. And you should too.”

Ranpo snickers behind him and leans against his chair. “Aww, he loves you.”

“I know,” Dazai smiles.

Exhausted beyond words, Dazai lets his feet guide him back home. It’s dark outside, but he has company. He lets out a sigh, each of his steps slower than the last. It isn’t like he doesn’t want to go back. Of course, he does. But, he’s tired after his work and he isn’t even sure how much longer he can hold himself on his feet.

So, he doesn’t talk on the way, both him and Kunikida being quite content with the silence. Both of them are aware of how tired the other is and both of them know how desperately they just want to reach home. 

Kunikida accompanies him to the gates and then parts ways to go to his own dorm building. Dazai waves him goodbye and enters the building, dreading the stairs. 

Even though he’s sure that it had taken him about an hour, eventually, he reaches his room. Sighing, he swipes his ID and opens the door. He enters and closes it behind him, letting his gaze fall over the room. It’s practically empty and that is surprising. He looks up at the bunk and notices Chuuya’s (tiny) body lying facing the wall. He must be asleep, Dazai thinks and drops his bag on a chair.

“Oh, it’s you,” he hears a voice and suddenly tenses.

Dazai looks up to see Chuuya sitting up and blinking at him.

“I thought you were asleep,” Dazai says, willing his heart to calm down.

“Oh,” Chuuya says, picking his phone. “I wasn’t. I was just… scrolling.”

“Right.”

A smirk forms on Chuuya’s lips. “Did I scare you?”

“No,” Dazai scoffs and walks towards the bed. 

Chuuya, being the absolute shit he is, lets his torso hang from the bed, grinning at Dazai with his face upside down. “I totally scared you.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Admit it, you fuck.”

Dazai sighs. “I hope you fall off the bed.”

“I won’t.”

“I hope you do.”

“Evading the situation, I see,” Chuuya says, the grin still evident on his face.

Since when did Dazai fall prey to Chuuya’s teasing? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? 

“I’m not evading,” Dazai smiles. “I’m being considerate.”

“How so?”

Dazai’s smile widens. “What if I do admit that I was scared? That would probably mean that I find you scary.”

“Yeah?”

“Ah, you know that I only find dogs so terrifying,” Dazai says. “So, are you finally accepting that your face is as terrifying as that of a dog?”

Chuuya narrows his eyes to squint. “Wait...”

Dazai laughs and leans against the wood. “Maybe I should buy you a dog collar so you’d be tame enough to not scare me.”

“How,” Chuuya sighs and closes his eyes momentarily, “how the fuck do you manage to revert every bullshit I spew out from my mouth right back at me?”

“It’s an art.”

“You shouldn’t be proud of that, bastard.”

“I am, though,” Dazai smiles.

“Ugh, whatever,” Chuuya says, defeated and hoists himself back up.

Slowly, he moves towards the ladder and starts climbing down. Dazai sighs and settles on the bed, letting himself rest over his arms.

“You’re tired,” Chuuya notes.

“A bit, yeah.”

“Get some sleep, then.”

Dazai blinks. “What about our date, then?”

Chuuya clicks his tongue and folds his arms. “We can do that sometime else if you want.”

Dazai keeps looking at him and then lets his gaze fall down. He is exhausted and he does want to sit back and do nothing. But, he also wants to enjoy a date with him. It’s Saturday tomorrow, he could always sleep in…

“We could watch a movie,” Dazai says. “It’ll be relaxing enough for me.”

“And food?”

“Pizza,” Dazai grins.

They settle down on the couch, rummaging through a box of cheap DVDs that Akutagawa had been kind enough to bring. The tv that they had all contributed to buying is small but enough.

“I didn’t know Akutagawa liked Disney,” Chuuya mumbles, picking one of the boxes.

“He doesn’t,” Dazai laughs. “But, you can imagine what dating Atsushi-kun would be like.”

“True.” Chuuya sighs. “Well, which one should we watch?”

“Snow White?” Dazai grins.

Chuuya blinks at him twice and sighs again. “No.”

“You choose, then.”

He hums and randomly picks one. “How about Inside Out?”

“Isn’t that Pixar?”

“Whatever,” Chuuya says, flipping the case and looking at the back of it. “I haven’t seen it yet.”

“Me neither, but I’ve heard it’s sad.”

Chuuya scoffs. “As if that bothers me.”

Dazai scoffs in return. “Yeah, me too.”

Dazai has seen tons of sad films and the amount of books he has read that has his favourite characters dying at every chapter is insurmountable. He has dealt with these things so many times that he’s somewhat numb to it. And sadness or depression isn’t a new concept to him. If someone like him can handle bouts of depressive episodes every day, then how hard can it be to handle a children’s film about some childish fiction?

“Alright, then,” Chuuya says, standing up. “Let’s watch it.”

“Okay,” Dazai says, shoving the box away. “We can prove that it isn’t as emotional as people say it is!”

“Yeah! Let’s watch the hell out of it!”

“Yeah!”

“Why Inside Out though?” Dazai asks when they finally settle down and relax on the couch.

“We’re psychology students, aren’t we?” Chuuya grins.

“Ah, of course.”

Chuuya clicks something on the remote and they wait for the movie to play. The couch they had decided to sit back in isn’t that big and it isn’t that both of them are sitting at their respective ends. But, there is distance between them. It doesn’t bother Dazai… per se, but he does want to sit just a bit closer. Maybe he can scoot a little sometime in between.

The movie starts playing and Dazai relaxes more against the soft couch, knowing that he doesn’t need to move at all for a while. He had already asked (pleaded) Atsushi to pick their pizza from the gate when it arrives while he comes back from his class. He complained but eventually agreed. Chuuya had definitely called him a monster for that.

He doesn’t mind being a monster as long as he can be lazy.

The beginning of the movie looks pretty good. Nothing bad has happened and everyone seems nice and happy. But, that’s how it always is. The calm before the chaos. Dazai waits, though. He wants to see just what about this movie had made people cry so much.

When Atsushi arrives with the pizza boxes in hand, Dazai grins at him and Chuuya apologises. Atsushi glances between them and then at the tv before placing the boxes on the table and grinning. “Date night?”

“Yeah,” Dazai says.

“Are you sure this movie is good for a… date?” Atsushi asks, his eyes still on the tv.

Chuuya and Dazai exchange glances and Chuuya finally opens his mouth to speak. “Because it’s sad?”

“Very.”

“It’s not gonna bother us, though,” Dazai says, more confident than ever, opening the box. “Trust me, we’ll be unfazed by the end of it.”

Atsushi laughs. “Sure.” he walks towards the main room. “I’ll go annoy Akutagawa meanwhile. You guys enjoy!”

“Thanks!”

Chuuya picks a slice from the box and settles back comfortably. “Is it really that sad?”

“It can’t be. I’m sure they’re all exaggerating.”

Chuuya hums and bites his slice, eyes shifting back over the screen. Dazai picks a slice and nibbles at one end. Chuuya had shifted a bit closer to him to be able to reach the box more easily. Dazai won’t say that he had kept the box a bit far on purpose. 

But, with one hand holding his slice, he slowly picks his other hand up and yawns. Well, more like pretends to yawn. Then, he slowly places his arm down over Chuuya’s shoulder as subtly as possible. 

Which doesn’t turn out to be subtle at all in the end. Chuuya definitely notices and he definitely glances at Dazai who looks away, focusing on his half-eaten pizza slice. When he looks back, Chuuya’s eyes are back on the screen, but there is a tiny smile on his lips and Dazai just happens to catch him roll his eyes.

Smiling, Dazai looks at the screen too, intending to sit through the entire movie without shedding a single tear.

It cannot possibly be that sad.

It is sad.

It is devastatingly sad.

It is all fun and dandy till the pink elephant dies. And the worst part is that neither of them had expected such a scene.

“Wait,” Chuuya says, his eyes widening by the minute. “He’ll get out of there, right?”

“I mean, he has to.”

He doesn’t. He doesn’t get out of the ditch and starts fading away. And Dazai feels his heart clench.

“No,” Chuuya whispers.

“He was so… nice?” Dazai says, feeling his throat close in.

He has read so many books, how can this affect him to such lengths? There’s no way he can cry about that. Chuuya will tease him forever if he cries now.

But, then he glances at Chuuya just a bit to see his eyes well up. Dazai watches as he tries his best to not let the tears fall. And when they do, Dazai picks the remote and clicks the pause button.

Both of them look at each other to find the other crying. Their eyes widen and they snap their heads away to opposite sides. 

Dazai sniffs and wipes his cheeks. It’s surprising on its own that such a movie is making him cry, but what also surprises him is that he’s not the only one.

“I’m not crying!” Chuuya demands before Dazai can say anything. “I just had something in my eye.”

“Yeah,” Dazai says, rubbing his own eyes. “Yeah, me too.”

When the movie finally finishes and the end card rolls, silence ensues around them. The pizza box is empty and their cheeks are stained with stray tears. Suddenly, Dazai realises that people were certainly not exaggerating when they said that this will make them cry. He hates that he did break down in the end, but then he’s glad that so did Chuuya.

“We didn’t cry,” Chuuya mumbles.

“Of course.”

“No one needs to know.”

“Yeah.”

They let out their sighs and Dazai turns the tv off. Leaning against the couch, he glances at Chuuya who picks his phone.

His eyes widen. “It’s two a.m.”

“Oh?”

“The other two must be asleep by now.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Chuuya hums and places his phone back on the table. Dazai lets his gaze stay on him, comfortably watching his messy hair fly in all directions. It suits him somehow; haphazardness suits him. It is when he has chaos sparkling in his eyes and grin that he looks much more beautiful. He’s so much more beautiful than Dazai.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Chuuya asks when he catches Dazai looking at him.

“I want to kiss you,” Dazai smiles.

Chuuya’s eyes widen and he squeaks. “What?”

“Can I kiss you?”

They’re already sitting so close and Dazai doesn’t mind moving closer. And Chuuya, he isn’t backing away either.

He sighs instead. “Asking about it makes it more awkward, idiot.”

“Is that a no, then?”

“What? No.”

“No?”

“I mean, yes!”

“Yes to my first question or—?” Dazai grins wider.

“Just fucking kiss me already, bastard!”

Dazai snickers and moves closer to close the gap between them. Chuuya’s lips are rough and calloused against his, but the kiss is so soft. He doesn’t think he can ever get used to this feeling. This feeling like he could just melt into fluid over this sugary, fluffy thing he can feel in his stomach and heart. He brings his hand up and lets his fingers tangle around Chuuya’s hair. It’s soft and silky against his skin and he immediately realises that he loves playing with it. A sudden idea passes his mind and Dazai moves to break the kiss.

Their faces still stay close, with noses touching and eyes closed.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after that,” Chuuya mumbles and it makes Dazai snicker.

The smile still lingers on his lips when he asks, “Chuuya?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I braid your hair?”

“Absolutely not.”

Dazai opens his eyes and frowns. “Aww, let me be a bit romantic.”

“You’ll ruin my hair,” Chuuya simply says, opening his eyes just to squint at him.

“Please?”

“No.”

“I promise you’ll look great.”

“I’m not dumb enough to trust your promises.”

“Please?”

“No.”

Eventually, Chuuya agrees. These are perhaps the only times when Dazai is actually proud of his manipulative skills. Without a brush in hand, he moves his fingers through Chuuya’s hair who remains with his back turned at him and his phone open in his hand. 

There are knots in his hair at some places, but they are easy to open. Chuuya’s hair, he realises, is wavy as the strands easily twine around his finger. He wonders if it really is naturally orange. But, it doesn’t take him a lot of time to realise that the roots are the same, bright orange, so there’s no way it isn’t natural. It’s fascinating, though, for someone who knows how rare that is.

Dazai’s hair isn’t like that. It’s brown; perhaps the most common colour to exist. It’s the same with their eyes. Dark brown against bright blue. They’re so different in so many terms. Dazai isn’t bothered by the fact that everything about them contradicts each other. What bothers him is that it is these differences that make him feel like he doesn’t deserve Chuuya. How can someone so sad and dull like Dazai ever deserve someone so bright and cheerful as Chuuya?

He shakes his head and parts Chuuya’s hair. He cannot let his weird, morbid thoughts ruin the moment. Not right now.

He intertwines the hair and starts the braiding. It doesn’t take him a particularly long time to realise how much he sucks at it. And Chuuya’s hair isn’t that long, so it takes about two to three for him to twist it, at the most, for it to end.

“I need a hair tie,” Dazai says.

“Oh,” Chuuya mumbles and looks down, pulling something out of his wrist. “Here.”

“You just randomly carry that around?”

Chuuya clears his throat. “You never know when you need it.”

Dazai snickers and takes it, slowly tying the tiny braid he could somehow form on his hair. When the tie is tight and secure, he taps on Chuuya’s shoulder, making him turn to face him.

And yeah, Dazai is terrible at braiding.

“You look… amazing,” Dazai says, pursing his lips to avoid laughing.

Chuuya looks at him unamused. “Oh, shut it. You’re not even trying to hide your lie.”

Dazai ends up laughing anyway and Chuuya rolls his eyes.

“Wanna see for yourself?” Dazai asks.

“Do I?”

“Yes, you do.”

“Dazai, this is awful.”

“Nooo,” Dazai smiles. “I think you look cute.”

“No, I look like a fucking middle school girl,” he sighs.

The bathroom mirror is big enough to show Chuuya’s face. Dazai stands behind him, admiring his creation, trying to convince him why it looks good.

“No, you look great.”

“I really don’t.”

Dazai smiles and loosely crosses his arms around Chuuya’s neck, bending to kiss him on the cheek. “Yes, you do.”

Chuuya groans and looks away, no longer trying to argue about it. And Dazai definitely counts that as a win.

When they finally decide to go to sleep, Dazai pulls him and leaves another tiny kiss on his lips.

Chuuya groans. “You kiss me way too much.”

“I like kissing you,” Dazai smiles. “Are you complaining?”

“Well, no,” Chuuya says, rolling his eyes.

Dazai grins at that and leans against the bed. “Don’t open your hair?”

“Hah? Of course, I’m gonna—”