Work Text:
Donut: I’m Franklin Donut from popular webseries Red vs Blue!
Locus: And I don’t want to be here.
Donut: Today we’re talking about introducing your partner to your family!
Locus: Your moms are here?
Donut: No, silly! This is a practice run! So, Sarge—
Sarge: *grumbly sarge noises*
Donut: You remember Locus?
Sarge: Of course!
Donut: He’s my partner now!
Sarge: By partner do you mean like… work partners? Partners in crime? Lab partners? …Boyfriend..?
Locus: Boyfriend sounds juvenile. We’ve traveled to dozens of planets and faced danger… and disco together. I would like your blessing to continue to stay by each other’s side.
Donut: *quietly* Oh my gosh Sam, that was so beautiful!
Sarge: What? Travel? Disco? When did that happen?
Donut: I— I was gone for months.
Sarge: Hmm…
Donut: After all the gods and time travel stuff? I said goodbye to you and everyone else at the hospital.
*cut to Lopez in a different location*
Lopez: [editor’s note: Sarge was crying about how much he missed Donut for weeks. Then he started pretending Donut was still around. It looks like he’s still in denial. What a sad, strange little man]
*back to previous scene*
Sarge: No, I’m pretty sure you were with us. You were at the wedding.
Donut: Yeah, we came back for the wedding… after traveling for months.
Sarge: Locus just got here today though.
Donut: Wh— *turns to Locus* Have you been invisible this whole time?
Locus: Not the whole time. *mumbles* Most of the time.
Sarge: You mean to say he’s been living with us here since the wedding?
Donut: Yes indeedy.
Sarge: Well that explains why Grif kept saying the base was haunted.
Donut: Ohhhh. Yeah, that makes sense now.
Locus: That isn’t what we’re here to talk about. *to Sarge* Do I have your blessing?
Sarge: Uhhh… Granted, soldier.
*cut to Donut close to the camera with Locus and Sarge facing each other in the background*
Donut: *to the camera* With any luck, your family will like them; hopefully not more than they like you, but also not so much that they want your partner for themselves!
Sarge: Well, Locus, if things don’t work out between you two, don’t feel like you need to stay away. Or if you need a new partner, I think I’ve got a couple more adventures left in me.
Donut: If something uncomfortable like that does happen, it’s important to communicate boundaries to those involved. Preferably by taking them aside later rather than calling them out publicly.
Sarge: I am okay with being a backup plan!
Locus: *backs away slowly then goes invisible*
*cut to next scene, Donut and Locus are with Grif and Simmons*
Donut: I’m an only child, but some people also have siblings to introduce. Like, Grif who has a sister! Grif! Simmons! How did meeting the in-laws go for you?
Grif: The fuck are you talking about? He already knew Sister. You know that.
Donut: Well yeah, but what about the parents?
*couple beats of silence*
Simmons: shiiiittttt I knew we forgot something!
Grif: Fuck, I haven’t even seen Mom since before— Fuck! She’s living in a trailer park now! I gotta go see her.
Simmons: Surprise visit?
Grif: Yeah. Man, I hope she’s doing alright.
Donut: What about your parents, Simmons?
Simmons: Oh, I’m dead to them, so no worries there.
Locus: That’s… unfortunate.
*sound of a ship landing and a person’s footsteps clunking down the ramp*
Caboose: *runs on screen* Guys, I’m back from visiting home and guess what I brought??
*sound of many footsteps*
Woman: *offscreen* Michael, mi ángel, are these your friends? It’s so nice to meet you all, I’ve heard so much about you all.
Caboose: Only nine of my sisters could come, but that is ok because otherwise we would not have enough couches.
*all sisters and Caboose’s mom will be offscreen*
Sister 1: Couches? We’re sleeping comfy tonight!
Simmons: We don’t have nine couches.
Grif: I wish we did.
Sister 2: That’s ok. Most places don’t have enough furniture so we’re used to sleeping on the floor when we travel. *quickly* Nose goes!
*chorus of several “not it”s including from Caboose*
Grif: Caboose, you live here. You have a bed.
Caboose: Still not it.
Sister 3: Fuck! Why do I always get last?
Sister 4: Probably because you’re slower than Michael.
Sister 3: Hey! *beat* That’s not true!
Sister 5: Prove it and catch me, weebasaurus!
Sister 3: Mom, Ronnie’s being a fucking bitch!
Sister 5: You kiss your kids with that mouth?
Caboose’s mom: ¡Cállate! No tattling. Act your age, all of you, or your character will be killed off first in our next campaign.
Sister 3: Puta.
Sister 5: Loser.
Caboose: Our family has fun.
Sister 6: Yeah, well we’ll go ahead and make ourselves at home. C’mon Mama, I’ve got your chair.
Caboose’s mom: I can wheel myself, Maria.
Sister 7: Oh she just figured you were tired—
6&7: —from carrying this whole fucking family!
Sister 8: HEYOH
Sister 1: It’s funny ‘cause she gave birth to all of us.
Sister 3: Yeah, I got that. I’m not stupid, Stupid.
Sister 1: …I don’t like you.
Sister 9: Is it too late to leave?
Simmons: So this is what having siblings is like.
Grif: I mean this is just like me and Kai. Except times twenty.
Caboose’s mom: Last one to the blue base is a… ehh… Christina, help me out.
Sister 8: Toilet plunger!
Caboose’s mom: 3 2 1 go!
Sister 2: No fair, Mom, you got a head start!
Sister 9: So much for act your age.
*stampede noises*
Grif: Wash and Tucker are in for a surprise.
Caboose: I wish they could’ve met Church. I think he would’ve liked my family. But not as much as he liked me.
Simmons: Oh yeah. I’m sure Church would’ve LOVED a stampede of Cabooses.
Caboose: Yeah, I think so too.
Donut: Welllll Locus and I are heading to Earth tonight so that’s some extra sleeping space for your family!
Locus: Don’t you think tonight is a little too soon?
Donut: Aw, don’t worry! They’ll love you! They might put you to work, though. I hope you don’t mind helping with chores?
Locus: As long as I don’t have to deal with geese.
Donut: Alright! You are going to have to deal with a cock though so I hope you’re prepared for that!
Simmons: *mutters* Jesus. Get a room.
Grif: Hm. What do you think Simmons? You ready to meet my mom?
Simmons: Ready as I’ll ever be. I hope she likes me.
Grif: She’s not that hard to impress. Just talk about some nerd stuff and she’ll think I married a genius.
Simmons: Well I don’t want to misrepresent myself either—
Grif: Don’t overthink it, man. Just be you. But yeah, that’s four more sleeping places. Five if Kai wants to tag along.
Caboose: Oh, I hope she stays. She is the best at sleepovers.
Donut: Well, I think this morning has been very educational. What do you think Locus?
*shouting from a distance*
Wash: Who the hell are these people??
Tucker: Did I die? Am I in heaven?
Locus: I think I’m glad you’re an only child.
*end*