Chapter Text
Alice and Cindy had met in seventh grade, they were both thirteen with no friends and had just found each other and, if by chance, they had bonded. As they got older, Cindy rebelled against her parents more than ever before and had started to get into trouble at school. She had started being rude to teachers, sneaking out, going to parties, drinking and smoking. Her parents tried to stop her from seeing Alice, as they blamed her for poisoning their once perfect daughter, but she never did. Until her father left and her mother started drinking again.
Cindy had started to ignore Alice as they entered their freshman year at High School. Cindy had told the counsellor about Alice doing drugs one day and then it had gotten out somehow. Alice had run up to Cindy and grabbed her by the shirt and screamed and cried, begging why she had told them. Cindy was shocked, she didn't know that she would lose her best friend over that. She had instantly regretted it. The next day, Alice’s new ‘friends’ had pushed her and insulted her and called her a snitch and pushed her around the halls. She didn't care that much until she saw Alice laughing at them hitting her, it had hurt her so much but Cindy could tell the laugh was fake. She knew Alice better than Alice thought she did.
Cindy had seen Alice at Camp Nightwing and she immediately wanted to leave. She didn't want to be there, especially not while dating Tommy. She had turned into a perfect girl to distract herself from what was happening at home. She had to be perfect. She had started dressing preppy and covered herself, she had started dating the nicest, most perfect boy at their school, she had perfect grades and never went to parties. She wanted to have the perfect life everybody craved. Little did they know, she craved that perfectness in her life as much if not more than the next person.
Even after everything Alice had done, she still missed her. Little did Cindy know, Alice missed her too. Alice missed everything she and Cindy were. Both of the girls knew they were more than friends but they never quite knew what they were exactly.
‘Sometimes I feel like I just wanna go back to my old ways’
Sometimes, Cindy wanted to be friends with Alice again. She would’ve gone back to the ‘party life’ but she couldn't do that to her family, no matter how much she wanted Alice back in her life. To Cindy, Alice’s life sounded fun and perfect to her, having so many friends and so much fun and having a boyfriend she actually liked.
‘You’re telling me I’m silly, It’s no fun in the old days'
Cindy’s mind keeps telling her that it was not better then and it's because of that her father left, even though she knows it wasn't. She was just overthinking, as usual. But, it was fun in the ‘old days’; She partied with her best friend, got high and it made her feel like she was on top of the world and she was so happy. She had everything she wanted and things she didn't even know that she wanted, like what she had with Alice: They weren't quite lovers, they could never be lovers, but they were so much more than just best friends.
‘I’m such a romantic’
She and Alice always acted like a couple; They would always run up to each other and do that cliche ‘run lift and spin’ hug every time they had been apart for more than an hour, Alice would randomly lay on Cindy when they were sitting down and they would always cuddle at sleepovers but this became an issue when Cindy had started to question if she liked Alice. So she started to push Alice away and move away and not hug her best friend and Alice noticed this but never said anything, until the reunion at Camp Nightwing.
‘I never remember how things really happen’
Cindy could never remember why she said what she did to the counsellor; Her dad had just left and her head was everywhere but thinking properly. She wished that she had never said those things and maybe just maybe, If her father hadn't left as abruptly as he did, Cindy may still have her best friend, the same girl she fell in love with. Cindy was never going to tell anyone, especially Alice, about these feelings but she even messed that up.
Tommy had come round one night and she was so upset. She was crying and wasn’t thinking straight and she told him everything. Literally. She had told him how she never felt an attraction to men, how she felt about Alice, what she used to do at the parties, why her and Ziggy were so distant and what happened with her father. She was just unable to stop herself. He looked very shocked, to say the least. His girlfriend had just said how she doesn’t like men, is in love with her ex best friend, how she used to do drugs at parties, why she argues with her sister so much and her issues with her father; He was extremely taken back. In response, he had told her a few things about himself: How he felt an attraction to women and men but no sexual attraction to anyone, how he wasn’t as perfect as he came off to be and that he used to do the same things at parties too. After the heart to heart, he and Cindy had a talk about their relationship. They had both decided together that they would no longer be in a relationship behind closed doors but would act as if they were together to everyone else, that way Cindy wouldn’t feel like she was betraying Tommy and Tommy wouldn’t feel like he and Cindy had to do things he wasn't comfortable with.
‘I guess you’re attractive, or something’
Cindy couldn't remember when she started having feelings for Alice, it just kind of happened. To Cindy, Alice was the most beautiful person she’d ever seen, on the outside she was tough and hard but on the inside she was the kindest and softest person you’d ever meet and that’s how Cindy fell in love with her best friend. She fell very hard for the girl. She was head over heels in love but she couldn’t be, it was forbidden. She hated how this world was to people like her, no one could love who they wanted or how they wanted. Cindy hated that more than she hated herself for her being how different she was.
‘Live in the moment, that’s what they tell me’
Cindy had heard those same words over and over again form so many different people in so many different forms. She had even told herself that sentence so many times, along with saying how she didn’t like Alice and that she would be okay, so she had just figured it was a lie and yes, it was.
‘But whatever happened, to when you would hold me’
Cindy missed how close her and Alice were. She missed all the hugs and the cuddling and even the times she caught Alice looking away, looking embarrassed. She missed their jokes and them being the most cliche people who looked like a couple. She missed the girl who she could cry to and be immediately cheered up. She missed the girl who always brought snacks every time she came round and she missed the girl who knew how to make her little sister happy when she couldn’t. She missed Alice. She still does miss Alice.
‘And hold me, and hold me’
Alice had hidden her feelings since the day she was betrayed by the snitch. Alice always hated hiding. She hated hiding herself, hiding from people and hiding who she was. She had ignored her feelings but there was one feeling she couldn’t hide. She couldn’t hide the feeling of missing Cindy. She missed the sideways looks, the ‘run jump spin’ hugs, the cuddling and every other cliche things they did. Alice missed her best friend. Alice was so confused when she had heard what Cindy had said, she wanted to know what she had done wrong and why her best friend had betrayed her. Even after all of that, Alice still missed Cindy more than anything.
‘Girlfriend, or girl that’s a friend?’
After Tommy had gone crazy and killed Arnie, the two torn apart girls knew they had to get over their grudges and stick together or they’ll both be dead. At first, they were stubborn and had argued but then Alice knew she had taken it too far. She had seen her Cindy Berman again, the Cindy she knew; The girl who seemed so far in her past but was still in her head all of the time. She had made ‘perfect’ Cindy Berman react semi-violently. Cindy had pushed her down and shouted at her. Alice was quite shocked but not that shocked, Cindy would always get aggressive when she was upset and had been pushed to her limits. Alice felt guilty that she had pushed Cindy that far. The Cindy she… well she doesn’t love Cindy, she betrayed her but, Cindy still holds a special place in Alice’s heart and she always will. Friend or not.
‘It’s easy just to pretend’
-Both of the girls had obvious feelings for each other but neither ever realised it. Between the longing stares mistaken for glares after the falling out, the hugs and the being around each other constantly, anyone would have thought they would have realised years ago but no. Alice, The most oblivious girl, still hadn't realised her feelings even now. Cindy knew she was in love with Alice. It hurt Cindy that Alice was oblivious to her feelings. It seemed that Alice was not as oblivious as Cindy thought, after being in the cave with the love of her life. After Cindy seeing Alice’s vulnerable side again after so many years, shocked her. She had missed this side of Alice almost, if not more, than the cocky, outgoing side.
‘That we don't have something real, It’s just how we feel’
Cindy knew her feelings for the other girl were real. Even if they were going to die in that cave with no one knowing what really happened to them, Cindy didn't care. As long as her sister survived, she didn’t care if she was dying.
‘We feel, oh it's just how we feel’
They had felt years of feelings in one night. Being in the cave with Alice had changed her life, finally getting to tell someone how she felt. They were getting out of the cave. They were going to be together after years of pining.
‘How we feel’
Alice had told Cindy to go so she could grab the book but Cindy was terrified something was going to happen to her. She couldn’t leave without saying a proper goodbye, just in case. She walked up to Alice and grabbed her hand so she wouldn’t go before Cindy had the chance to say anything. Alice looked confused but also like she knew what was going to happen. Without saying another word, Cindy grabbed Alice’s cheek and did what she had always wished. She kissed her. Cindy Berman had just kissed Alice Hart. Despite the threat of death looming over their heads, they didn’t rush it. They had kissed like they had all the time in the world. When they parted, Cindy had whispered a gentle “Be safe, I’ll see you soon” before giving Alice a soft smile and exiting the cave with the help of Ziggy.
‘I’m feeling something, I'm feeling something’
Alice couldn’t explain her feelings after Cindy had kissed her, And she kissed back. She had kissed Cindy motherfucking Berman. And they had both enjoyed it. Alice had fallen in love with Cindy; She didn't know how, but she did and she fell fucking hard. She had liked Cindy in a different way from her other friends for a long time. At first, she took that as friendship and then anger but she had just now realised, before she was likely to die, that what she was feeling was love. Real and true love. Alice was scared now. She wanted to be with Cindy for real. She wanted to make it out of the camp alive to be with Cindy for the rest of her days. She didn’t want to die anymore. When she was younger, she had wanted to die. She wouldn't have run from Tommy, she would have embraced it and let it happen, she even went as far as to try herself at 15. She had overdosed so no one would ask questions. Not that they would anyway. She had never told anyone what she had told Cindy. She took off her bracelets and showed Cindy the scars under them. She had never done that with anyone. She trusted Cindy with all of her heart. She hoped that she wouldn't come to regret that decision if she survives this horrific night.
‘I’m feeling something right, I’m feeling something right’
Cindy was shocked when Alice held the back of her neck and returned the passion within the kiss. She was shocked that Alice had returned her feelings. She was mostly shocked about Alice’s words afterwards. Alice had whispered a soft ‘I love you Cindy Berman’ and Cindy froze before telling her to ‘be safe’ and that she’ll see the other girl soon as if it were a promise they would be okay. Of course they would be okay, that had to be.
‘I’m feeling something right, I’m feeling something right’
Both of the girls had been shocked by the feelings of the other girl. Cindy had never expected her feelings to be reciprocated and Alice had never expected her complicated feelings to be love. They were just happy they had found each other again. Yes, the feelings had differed but that didn’t matter. They were back together. Cindy and Alice, Berman and Hart, The two girls who had made teachers want to quit, The two girls hopelessly in love.
‘I wanna be the one you think about at night’
Alice had just left the cave and Cindy was relieved, for a second. She had seen Tommy coming up behind Alice but it was too late. Cindy had shouted at Alice to move but Tommy had already hit her. As Ziggy locked him in the storage cupboard, she ran to Alice and dropped on the floor to hold her. She begged her to stay awake as she quietly sobbed, She had only just got Alice back. She didn't want to lose her again. She clutched onto her dying lover in her last moments, letting out a harsh sob as she took her last breath. Cindy had whispered a quiet ‘i love you’ to the now-dead Alice. She knew she couldn’t mourn for long though. Her ex-boyfriend was still coming for her and Ziggy. She knew Alice would want her to live, even if she couldn't
‘And I wanna be the one you put up a fight for’
Cindy was not going to let Alice’s sacrifice be in vain. She was going to put up a fight even if it killed her, then at least she’d be with her love. She was finding Sarah Feir’s fucking body and ending this. She put up a fight for Alice. She had decapitated Tommy and had run from the other killers, but it wasn't enough.
‘And you know that I adore you, that even when you’re bored’
Both girls had adored each other before they even knew they could love another girl, that it was allowed and that it was normal. When they were younger, they had spent every waking moment together and mistook that feeling of love for friendship when it was always more than that. As they grew older, Alice had mistook that adoration for jealousy and anger and Cindy had mistook it for guilt. But it was love. It always had been and always would be.
‘I’d buy you anything and everything I can't afford.’
Cindy had felt like a failure. She couldn’t give Ziggy enough time to find the body. She had let Alice die, she had let Ziggy die, She had died and so had Tommy. She had failed. In her last moments, she had reached out to her also dying sister to hold her hand, at least, but neither could reach. She had taken her final breath thinking about the love of her life and what could have been.