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Zev,
I will only be around for a day or so, but I 'heard' you are also in Kirkwall. If possible, I'd like to see you. It has been a while, emma vhenan.
"So it has," Zevran said to no one in particular. Confusion filled his thoughts as he folded the letter and slipped it into his pocket. Oh, his lover had received his letter concerning his infidelity, the light sarcasm in the first sentence made that clear. What sort of game was Mahariel playing, by pretending everything was fine, then? The entire purpose of sending a letter had been for his benefit, for they both knew how little the Warden enjoyed confrontation.
Let us be honest with ourselves, shall we? Zevran thought darkly. The real reason you did not confront Kadrian is because you are afraid of his reaction. What if he becomes upset? Or even worse, what if he is relieved? To know the one person Zevran Arainai loved with all of his heart had grown bored of him, well, that would be a bit too much, wouldn't it?
One could hardly blame him for taking the coward's way out, right? After all, once Kadrian left him, he would want to return to his life of looking out for only himself. Might as well start early.
Still, Zevran remained in Kirkwall, although to be honest he would have stayed regardless. Something big would be going down soon, he could feel it, and perhaps the Champion wouldn't mind a little assistance from an ex-Crow with experience in dealing with Big Things. With Nuncio dead, there was little hurry to return to Antiva to continue his quest in destroying his former guild from the inside out. Part of him wanted to forget his intentions and leave, if only to avoid confrontation with his lover. Or ex-lover, once Mahariel finally got a hold of him.
I am so sorry amore. But you will understand, I think, in time.
"Ah!" Zevran let out a frustrated growl, raking his hands through his hair. The guest room he had paid for suddenly felt too confining and silent. "I am brooding. Clearly, I need some air or I will go insane."
Although he easily carried enough coin to purchase a room from one of Hightown's more illustrious establishments - not the Blooming Rose, even if the whores weren't bad to look at - Zevran preferred the risqué ruggedness of Lowtown. He thankfully had managed to avoid The Hanged Man, otherwise his brief entanglement with Isabela would have ventured along the edges of awkward. The pirate wench's sharp eye wasn't limited to the sea, and the last thing he wanted was her to realize his intentions toward her had been underhanded even for her tastes. Worse yet would be the blasted pity for falling in love to begin with.
He couldn't regret falling for Kadrian, and the Dalish elf would forever remain in his heart, but their parting was inevitable. Better to happen now while they were still relatively young.
The heady stench of body odor and stale piss reminded Zevran of the shadier parts of his beloved Antiva as he left the inn. There was no real destination in mind, so he allowed his thoughts to drift to the past.
So many years had passed since the defeat of the Archdemon, yet he could remember his first meeting with his Warden as clearly as if it had transpired yesterday. Wide brown eyes full of inexperience and pain, yet possessing a sharp intelligence many easily overlooked due to his ignorance toward humans and city life. Zevran learned only later Mahariel had been born into the Sabre clan, but one of his parents had been of Riviani descent and he had inherited their dark skin and thick hair. Mahariel had been grateful to see another elf, even if he was from the city, and Zevran could not deny he had taken advantage of the kindness and willingness to please bestowed upon him. His mind had still been in 'target' mode, and had only snapped out of that view after their first night together.
Oh, but he could still see the way the light had flickered and died in Mahariel's eyes after telling him their encounter had only been a casual thing, something nice to pass the time. With age and a deeper understanding of his lover, Zevran now fully understood why, where before there had only been confusion and then ultimately frustration when the other elf had taken to completely avoiding him.
He will lose that light in his eyes again, thanks to you. That light which holds his compassion and kindness, and it will all be your fault.
Zevran forcibly pushed those thoughts away. Reminiscing, not brooding. He was not the prickly white-haired elf and he certainly wasn't moody.
Yes, the sweetest moment he shared with his Warden. The earring. At first, Mahariel had rejected the gift because he had seen through Zevran's - and the assassin could admit he had played his hand badly - poor attempt to pass off something precious as just another meaningless trinket. Never had he been so completely frustrated with another person before, least of all not a lover. But when his Warden finally accepted and had Zevran pierce his ear so he could proudly display it for all to see...ah, but that had been a glorious moment. That night they had made slow but passionate love with each other, confessing their feelings in their native tongues. Alistair had complained about being scarred for life the next morning, while Leliana had found the entire exchange romantic and had Kadrian speaking Dalish the rest of the day because she 'loved his accent'. Zevran loved the accent as well, particularly when they were having sex and his lover would let out such a delicious little sound when he hit all the right places.
And you are giving that up. You are an idiot.
Alright, no more thinking about the past.
Zevran's aimless wandering led him to Kirkwall's Alienage, a small and dingy space overflowing with elves. The city seemed to be constantly surrounded by a veil of clouds, so only beams of sunlight filtered through the dusty cul-de-sac. Midmorning brought about various merchants selling handmade wares or servants handling human merchandise for their masters. Why he ventured into the last place he would ever wish to visit boggled his mind. He held no real kinship with city elves. He had not grown up in an Alienage but a whorehouse and then in Crow establishments. In other cities, he had never deigned to visit their Alienages, and yet he found his feet taking him down the steps, his golden gaze scanning the crowds and possible exits in case of attack.
"M-Mahariel!"
Everything in Zevran froze at his lover's name being cried out from another's lips. His attention immediately snapped to a slender, raven haired Dalish girl and yes, standing at the woman's door was none other than the Hero of Ferelden.
The letter had only arrived this morning, had Kadrian sent it the moment he arrived in port? Unless the warrior had learned some ridiculous teleportation skills, he had to have sent it out via courier early on.
He probably did not want to give me the chance to flee. Well, he would have been half-correct. Damn him, what game is he playing?
A strange squeal erupted from the Dalish woman as she flung her arms around his Warden, who returned the embrace with equal intensity. For someone normally as physically reserved as Mahariel to so easily demonstrate such a public display of affection at best confused Zevran. He forced down the waves of jealousy threatening to claw its way up from his chest; he had no right to be upset after sleeping with Isabela.
But who was that woman? There were rumors about a Dalish woman who traveled with the Champion and the description fit, but what connection did she have with his Warden?
The two began to speak in hushed tones and Zevran melded with the crowds to avoid being seen. Unfortunately, he could not approach close enough to hear the conversation. Soon enough, the two disappeared inside her home, leaving him confused and a little hurt.
Had Kadrian really come to see him, after all?
* * * * *
Kadrian slowly closed his eyes and lowered his head as if bowing in prayer. The contents of the teacup in his hands had long since gone cold. His lips parted, and he let out a small, shaky breath.
"I don't blame you for what happened with the clan." he said. "It wasn't your fault."
Merrill burst into tears. Carefully, he set the cup aside to close the distance between them, taking her tiny hands in his. Unshed tears burned behind his eyes and he ignored the sting, instead offering Merrill a small smile. "You are relieved."
"Yes." she managed to finally utter after a few failed attempts at speech. She wiped fruitlessly at her cheeks, but the tears continued to fall. "I really only wanted to...to save the clan...and Tamlen..."
"I know." With a sigh, he tucked some stray strands of hair behind her pointed ear. "Truth be told, if there had been any way to use the mirror to save Tamlen, I would have done the same. Blood magic isn't inherently evil, and the Wardens do not forbid the practice among their ranks. I'm sorry the clan shunned you, Merrill, but I won't share their hatred. You are still my lethallan."
"Thank you," the tears finally abated, and Merrill flashed him a watery smile. "You have no idea how much that...what that means to me. You were always so different from the others, accepting. Sometimes I wish...well, that's not really important now. I just can't believe it! You're really here, the Hero of Ferelden!"
They shared an awkward but genuine laugh, and Kadrian moved back to his seat. Merrill managed to wipe away her remaining tears, leaving her normally pale face red and puffy.
"You look older." he said, his tone low and warm. "But, I guess we all do. It's been years. I probably look tired and battle-worn."
"Oh no, you look wonderful! I mean, all the girls in the clan thought you and Tamlen were very handsome, but you, um, you've aged really well, I think. I bet you have a wonderful mate, oops! I mean, do they let Grey Wardens get married? I imagine with the darkspawn and moving around so much you wouldn't have time for dating and the like. And I'm rambling again, I'll stop now."
Rather than look offended, Mahariel began to laugh in earnest. "Oh, lethallan, never change. As for lovers..." the laughter stopped and a somber expression replaced his mirth. "I suppose I'm as much of an outcast as you, the clan would never accept who I've decided to be with."
"Oh. A human?"
"A man."
"Oh. Oh." Silence filled the air as she allowed his admission to sink in. "So you and Tamlen...?"
"No, although he was my first love when we were all da'len. I didn't want to put him in an awkward position, so I never said anything, and eventually I was able to move on. No, my first and only lover is...an unorthodox one for me. His name is Zevran Arainai. He is an elf, but not Dalish."
"Zevran...where have I heard that name before?" Cocking her head to the side, Merrill tapped her chin with an index finger. "Oh! I remember! Isabela was talking about him just the other day at The Hanged Man. He stopped through and ended up meeting Hawke, and then he and Isabela went off to...oh." her eyes flickered to Mahariel's carefully blank expression and she gasped. "Oh dear. I could be mistaken? Maybe it was a different Zevran Arainai that went off with Isabela to have sex?"
"I doubt it." the smile he sent her way appeared reassuring, but she could see the hurt haunting his brown eyes. "It's alright, I understood he had a promiscuous past and I never told him he had to remain faithful to me."
"Well, that's not really something you should have to say, is it?"
Kadrian's smile merely widened in response. "I've come to see him. I believe there is something wrong, but then I learned the clan had been living here and rumors the Champion of Kirkwall had a Dalish friend living in the Alienage. I had to see if it was anyone I knew. I'm glad I came here first, it is so good to see you again, lethallan."
"I'm glad you did too. But this Zevran person. Do you want me to beat him up for you? I...I don't really know if I'd be very effective, but I'd give it a try!"
Her earnest demeanor brought out a chuckle from Kadrian, but he shook his head. "No. Thank you, though. It's my fault, really. He doesn't know much about Dalish ways, and I've been a poor teacher. I will go speak with him." he finally stood, straightening his clothes. He had forgone wearing his Grey Warden armor for hardened leather, hoping to blend in more with the locals. "Thank you for allowing me in, I promise we'll see each other again before I leave Kirkwall."
Merrill escorted him to the door and they embraced one final time before parting for good. Dusk was settling in, merchants were already packing up their shops to retire for the evening. Not wanting to be caught out at night - even he had heard of Kirkwall's dangerous streets and was in no mood to entertain gangs with his blades - Kadrian picked up the pace, mindful of eyes on his back as he headed toward Hightown and the inn he reserved for the week.
* * * * *
"How long do you intend to sulk in the shadows, Zev?" Kadrian asked. Scars from various battles lined his dark, damp skin as he ventured from the bath to the bedroom. A few more squeezes of the towel in his hair and he let the fabric drape around his shoulders while rummaging for clothes. "You followed me from the Alienage here, and have given me the silent treatment ever since."
"And just how did you know it was me, hmm?" asked the disembodied voice came from the shadows. "I could have been another deadly and gorgeous assassin waiting for the right moment to strike the Hero of Ferelden. I doubt your Dalish eyes are that keen."
"Keen enough." Kadrian slipped on a loose pair of grey cloth pants and nothing more, allowing his long hair to dry against his skin. "Are you staring luridly at me? Should I bend over?"
"Ha!" As if emerging from a dark pool, Zevran exited the shadows, lips tipped up in a slight smile. "It is good to know my humor has rubbed off on you, my dear. To be honest, I was astonished when I received your letter this morning yet saw you in the Alienage. I may have to start tipping the curriers more if they continue to produce such lightning fast results."
Kadrian took the few steps needed to the queen sized bed and sat down. "Save those sovereigns. I sent the letter this morning to be delivered and then went to check up on a rumor that my clan mate had left my clan to live in the city. I learned some distressing things about my people. The Keeper...she is gone now. The clan has finally left, but they have no Keeper nor a First. They may try and be absorbed into another clan. I..." his breath hitched and he lifted a hand to cover his face.
"Amore?" Without thinking of the consequences, Zevran quickly closed the distance between them. His arms wrapped around Kadrian's wide shoulders bringing warmth and comfort. Kadrian rested his head on Zevran's shoulders, his powerful arms snaking around the assassin's waist.
"Forgive me, emma lath. I-I just...Merrill blames herself, but I am really the one to blame. If I had tried harder to convince Tamlen not to go into the ruins where the Eluvian was -"
"Do not do this again, amore." Zevran cut off sharply. He tsked, waving a hand dismissively. "This blaming of yourself for things you had no control over. It is unfortunate, but bad things happen to good people. No one is to blame."
"And us?" Leaning back, he regarded Zevran's startled expression impassively. "The letter you sent me, I am to blame for the way you feel. I have not been around, it is only natural for someone to perhaps fall out of love and want to move on. I never forced you to be exclusive with me, I didn't want you to feel pressured to change your lifestyle...but I should have tried harder to be there for you -"
Zevran held up a hand to stop Kadrian's tirade. "Wait. Wait, wait, you...you believe I am no longer interested in you?"
"Is that not why you sent the letter confessing to sleeping with another? Being tied down to me must have been a terrible burden, and I'm sorry. Dalish believe in lifelong bonds, but I never wanted to push my beliefs onto you. I will always love you Zev." he pulled back still-wet strands of hair behind his ear to reveal the golden hoop earring. "May I still keep this? I haven't taken it off since you've given to me except to clean it."
"I..." The muscles of Zevran's jaw worked, but for moments he could force no words from his lips. His purpose in sending the letter had been mostly defensive. So many years had gone by, Zev had been sure Kadrian would eventually come to his senses and decide to break things off. Sleeping with Isabela had been a way out for his lover. After all, there were so many others out there who would be better for his noble and proud Warden, what use did he have for a whoreson?
Zevran had expected righteous anger, perhaps even relief at finally having an excuse to break things off. Yet all he could see in his Warden's soulful brown eyes was the same love and adoration he had shown all those years ago. There was hurt there, certainly, Kadrian obviously was unhappy about his lover sleeping with another woman, but the core emotions, the root of his feelings had not changed.
"I will always love you."
"I am truly the fool in this escapade, yes?" a sigh burst through his lips and he pulled away from Kadrian to sit on the bed. He buried his face in his hands and through his hair. "Do you see, amore? Once a whore, always a whore. You should give up on this love you have for me. I will only bring you pain."
"Because you tire of being with me?"
"Brasca! Of course not, you foolish man!" he shot up to his feet and began to pace restlessly around the room. "Who could tire of you? But you are the Hero of Ferelden, slayer of Archdemons! You will always have fame and people who adore you. I am sure you have probably wondered of my fidelity, now you know. This is who I am, and that will never change, but that is not the life for someone like you. You deserve pretty girls -"
"Zev, I'm gay -"
"Boys, then."
"I'm also not a pedophile."
Zevran shot him a look that clearly showed he was not in a mood to be humorous. "I think you get my meaning, yes? You will eventually come to your senses and realize the mistake you've made."
"Ah. So you...what, decided to end it before I could?"
Although Kadrian's tone had held no note of accusation, Zevran felt his hackles raising nonetheless. Even if that had been the intention, having it so bluntly put out there rankled him.
"Peace, Zev." he held up his hand to stop Zevran's rebuttal. "I'm not here to fight. I suspected as much when you sent the letter. I wanted to make sure, and that's why I'm here. I dropped everything, because nothing is more important to me than ensuring your happiness...even if that means giving you up for another."
"There is no other."
"I know that. Now."
Then the implications of his Warden's words finally sunk in, and Zevran blinked rapidly a few times. "Wait. Did you...was I played? Kadrian Mahariel, did you just play me?" the thought would have had him laughing in any other scenario; now he simply felt speechless.
Kadrian even had the nerve to look sheepish. "When you first sent the letter, I was mostly confused. But I knew if I went at you too directly you'd dodge and evade me. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not so egotistical to believe you hadn't found another, but the letter you sent gave me the feeling of weary resignation. And if you want the honest truth, I've never suspected you of sleeping around until you told me you had. And yes, I am upset about it. I'm angry and hurt, but I get it."
He stood and in two quick strides his hands were framing Zevran's face. Their gazes met, intense and full of longing from being away for so long. Kadrian leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. "Emma vhenan ma'dar. Ma'arlath. I am yours, Zevran. Until the Calling claims me, I will be here for you. Don't push me away, not for this. What must I do to prove you are all I want or need?"
The room filled with silence, moonlight streaming in through the curtains. They stood in the darkness, Kadrian's eyes closed while Zevran's re-memorized every line, every feature of his lover. The curve of full brown lips, to the slender dark markings of the Dalish vallaslin. The heaviness in his chest lifted, but could not completely vanish. He had deeply hurt his Warden with his infidelity, had planted seeds of doubt and insecurity where there had been none. Even if he had been forgiven, it would take years before their relationship would return to what it had been due to his fear and, even more likely, his age. The Great Zevran Arainai, suffering from mid-life crisis.
Zevran gently settled his hands over Mahariel's, his thumbs brushing along smooth skin. "Nothing, amore." tilting his head up, he brushed their lips together in a whisper of a kiss and pressed closer. "You do not have to do anything at all. Forgive me."
Kadrian's response was to grab Zevran and pull him into a hard, bruising kiss. Years of longing and desire could be felt as their tongues clashed and deft fingers worked frantically at the assassin's leathers. He pressed in relentlessly, his teeth sinking into Zevran's bottom lip even as they broke for air. Both men shuddered at the feel of each other's hands on their heated, sensitive skin.
"I forgive you." Kadrian said. His breaths beat a hard and steady rhythm against Zevran's neck. "But do not ever do that again. Creators, next time, come talk to me like normal people do in a relationship."
They both chuckled lightly, and Zevran began to tug at the waistline of Kadrian's pants. "Duly noted, amore. Now then, let's do something about this." If he was to seek redemption for his actions, might as well start in his field of expertise. Well, his second field, anyway.