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Bakugo can see it coming from a mile away, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to, he just needs to watch and wait. Wait for the right time to intervene, for the right time to make his availability known because if he isn’t careful he could make it worse instead of better.
He watches Kirishima’s smile become forced, there’s something about the tightness in the corners that gives it away. Then his posture becomes tense, he doesn’t express himself with flailing arms or grand gestures, no, he becomes as stiff as a statue. His shoulders sort of hunch and even the way he walks changes. It doesn't have its usual bounce, it's slow and almost as if he has molasses on his shoes. He watches as Kirishima’s interactions with their other classmates dwindle, how he doesn’t laugh as much nor does he involve himself in conversations like he usually does.
Then comes the lack of eating. This is when it starts to get tricky for Bakugo. He hates it when Kirishima skips out on meals, but over the years he's learned that if he tries to force him to eat he will just push Bakugo away. So he waits. He waits even when Kirishima only eats yogurt for breakfast, half a banana for lunch, and goes to sleep for dinner - he waits.
Next comes the oversleeping. Kirishima is more of a morning person than Bakugo so when Bakugo gets up before him, he knows that he’ll be stepping in soon. As days pass, Kirishima is less likely to get up before noon then another day passes and he doesn’t get up at all. He tells his teachers that he doesn’t feel good and when Recovery Girl checks on him, he just says he’s burned out so they let him rest. Bakugo waits and takes notes for him, does his assignments for him, and tells himself he’ll tutor the shit out of Kirishima when he’s in a better space, but for now, he can only do the small things and wait.
It’s day three of Kirishima not leaving his dorm and this is where Bakugo decides it's time to intervene. He grabs a granola bar and a sweatshirt that he slept in to make sure that it smells like him. Kirishima told him he liked the way he smelled once so it couldn't be a bad idea. He knocks on Kirishima’s door then waits. Knowing Kirishima won’t answer.
“I’m coming in.” Bakugo states before turning the handle and pushing through.
“Don’t--!” Kirishima yells as he falls out of his bed, but it’s too late. Bakugo is already closing his door behind him.
Bakugo freezes, staring at Kirishima crouched on the floor. Something is different this time. Something about the wait Kirishima holds his arms against himself, the way he can’t look Bakugo in the eye - he’s trying to hide and while that isn’t completely abnormal, there’s something off. Bakugo can’t figure it out but it doesn’t matter. He’s here to help.
“Get out!” Kirishima cries out and it startles Bakugo.
He sees the tears streaming down Kirishima’s cheeks, the way they dampen the carpet underneath him. He doesn’t move, instead, he simply states, “you need to eat.” Before tossing the granola bar on the floor within Kirishima’s reach.
“I will, thanks. Now leave.” Kirishima says with a strained voice as he stares at the ground.
Bakugo doesn’t move, he can’t. Not when Kirishima is so close and in so much distress, not when he clearly doesn’t need to be left alone any longer than he already has.
“Kirishi--”
“Bakugo! Please just fucking leave!” Kirishima screams this time and Bakugo feels his eyes widen. Kirishima never yells at him and if he does he certainly never means it like this. Like...like he really doesn’t want to be around him. It hurts Bakugo’s right in his chest and twists something in his stomach. He just wanted to help his best friend.
He wants to argue, to say he’s not going anywhere as Kirishima scoots himself as far away from Bakugo as possible. He wants to say that it’s going to be okay and that whatever Kirishima is going through, he’ll be there, but as Kirishima hugs his knees to his chest he realizes that he is the reason Kirishima feels this way.
It stings as he realizes he’s the one who has hurt Kirishima, that he’s the one who made his best friend cry. He doesn’t know why or what specifically lead to this but fuck he wants to apologize, to make it up to Kirishima somehow but he can’t find the words. He's never been good at expressing himself and it doesn't look like Kirishima is willing to wait. He tosses his sweatshirt onto Kirishima’s bed, hating the way his best friend flinches. He wants to do what’s best for him. So he leaves, just as Kirishima asked and it hurts when he hears sniffling as he shuts the door.
He retreats to his dorm, falling on his bed face first, and allows himself to silently cry. It's a mixture of guilt and hopelessness. He doesn’t want to give up on Kirishima, he can’t, it’s not possible for him. Bakugo is not one to give up in any aspect of his life, especially when it comes to Kirishima.
Especially when he loves his best friend with his whole fucking soul.
So he lets himself cry, just for tonight, and promises Kirishima that he will try again tomorrow. He promises he will be better.
It’s the same the next morning, Kirishima doesn’t leave his dorm and Bakugo takes down as many notes for him as possible. He misses the redhead during their sparring matches. No one else can handle Bakugo’s rough punches or frantic kicks, he feels unchallenged, unsatisfied, and painfully heartbroken that he can’t help his best friend.
When lunch comes around he gathers all the notes he's written for Kirishima, stapling them together and tabbing them with sticky notes for each subject. Trying to make it as easy as possible for Kirishima to consume when he's able to. He slips it under the door, preparing to walk away, but finds himself ripping it open after hearing glass shatter against the floor.
He’s met with complete darkness, not one single light is on inside Kirishima’s room and the curtains are drawn tight. The only source of light being the crack at the bottom of the now closed door.
“Kirishima?” Bakugo calls out and he hears shuffling paired with sniffling.
“Fuck,” Kirishima barely whispers, his voice clearly strained from crying.
“Kirishima, are you okay? Are you hurt? I heard something break.” Bakugo tries to remain calm but his heart is pounding like a jackhammer in his chest.
“M’fine, just go,” Kirishima mumbles and it doesn’t sound as convincing as yesterday.
So Bakugo presses on, “let me clean up the glass.” He doesn’t wait for Kirishima’s response when he quickly finds the supply closet, pulling out a broom and a dustpan before returning to his best friend's dorm.
He swallows as his eyes burn from the strain due to the lack of light, “I’m going to turn on the light in your bathroom, okay?”
He hears the bed frame creak, some shuffling before he gets a soft, “mhm.”
He tiptoes to try to avoid any glass he can’t see before flicking the light on in the ensuite bathroom. It’s dim and barely lights up the room but it's enough to find Kirishima’s beloved muscle clock completely shattered on the floor. Bakugo’s heart drops at the destruction. The muscle arms are ripped clean off of the clock body, the clock's face is completely broken, the red frame cracked in multiple places - he bites back a curse as he realizes he wouldn't be able to fix it.
He steadied himself, clearly, Kirishima was feeling a lot worse than Bakugo originally thought. It had never been this bad, at least from what he had seen before. Then he remembered that he was the problem and fuck if he didn’t want to cry right then.
He swallowed, remaining silent as he swept up the broken plastic pieces. Why would Kirishima break this? He loved this clock and would consistently defend that it was indeed manly as fuck and Bakugo was just jealous.
Bakugo stops all his movements, remembering that he always teased Kirishima about this clock. Saying it was dumb and weird and no one in their right mind would purposely buy such a thing. He felt his mouth go dry as guilt settled in his stomach, he was the reason it was broken on the floor.
He shook his head, it isn’t about him, it’s about Kirishima and right now Kirishima’s floor needed to be safe for him to walk on. So he kept sweeping until the broken glass and plastic were completely gone. He wanted to vacuum, just to be 100% positive there wasn’t a chance Kirishima could hurt himself but he decided it could wait. Kirishima probably wouldn’t like such a loud noise right now.
He returned the broom and dustpan after throwing the remains away. It took him a moment to completely let go because he knew just how much Kirishima loved this clock. He tried to get a picture of the brand, hoping he could find a replacement. Of course, it was broken, barely readable but he told himself he would figure it out later.
When he returned his heart sank as he was met with a closed door, he tested the handle to find that it was locked. Another day where Kirishima didn’t eat, didn’t leave his room, and didn’t get the help he needed.
And now it was the weekend which made it worse because now Kirishima really didn’t have a reason to leave his room.
But that didn’t stop Bakugo. Like fucking hell it would.
He spent the day searching for a clock replacement, asking, more like demanding, his fellow classmates to help him search for a replica. It was harder than he thought since it was sort of an antique and there were very few of them left. There was one being sold on Ebay at a ridiculous amount that Bakugo undoubtedly could not afford. He nearly broke the computer as his last chance to amend slipped from his fingers.
Deku reassures that he’ll continue looking and that they will figure it out, but Bakugo is losing hope even though he snags a granola bar from the kitchen and makes some tea before knocking on his best friend's door.
Of course, he is met with silence, but as he turns the handle he nearly screams for joy when it opens. He doesn’t waste any time pushing through, closing it behind his back. The room is as dark as he left it and for a moment he thinks Kirishima isn’t actually in there until he hears the creak of his bed frame.
“I brought you some tea and water,” Bakugo states before setting it on Kirishima’s bedside table. He glances at the bed, squinting his eyes to make out a lump in the middle. He wants to reach out, to touch him, hold him, but he knows it wouldn’t be what Kirishima needs because he’s the problem after all. So he just puts the granola bar underneath Kirishima’s pillow, knowing his best friend could feel the movement and hear the crinkle of the wrapper.
Before he leaves once again, unsatisfied with the level of care he provided, he whispers just loud enough for Kirishima to hear, “I’m sorry, Ei, but I’m always going to be here.” He waits, just for a second, only to be met with silence before departing once again.
With the mission to replace the muscle clock losing its traction Bakugo ponders what else he could do for Kirishima. He thinks about what he would want in this situation but that just makes things more complicated. He wouldn’t cope this way from the get-go so it’s hard to imagine how someone could cater to his needs and sure it would be so much easier if Kirishima just told him what he needed, but it’s okay. He would figure it out. Somehow.
Todoroki notices Bakugo becoming antsier by the second and offers to take a quick trip to the store, saying he needed soba noodles and Bakugo looked like he could use some fresh air. Begrudgingly, he agreed. He could get Kirishima’s favorite snack while he was at it.
When they arrived at the store Bakugo immediately grabbed two packs of beef jerky, scrunching his nose at the smell before he found the perfect thing for his best friend. It was, what do they call it, a Squishmallow? But it was a shark! A shark, Kirishima’s favorite animal! Bakugo snatched the stuffed animal before marching his way up to the counter. He avoided the cashier's questioning gaze, quickly paying for it before almost leaving Todoroki behind.
Once both boys return to the dorm Bakugo immediately grabs a bottle of water and a granola bar from the kitchen before stomping his way to his best friend’s room. He twists the handle, thankful it’s unlocked, and pushes in.
Darkness, once again, but Bakugo is more than determined to do whatever it takes to make some progress today.
He shifts the Squishmallow underneath his arm, gripping the beef jerky, the water, and the granola bar in his hands. He’s nervous, all of a sudden. Afraid that his efforts will probably still go unrewarded, but it’s okay. He tells himself. It’s okay because it’s for Kirishima and if Kirishima wasn’t ready to accept what Bakugo had to offer it would be okay. He would wake up and try again tomorrow.
He swallows and before he steps any further inside he hears a soft, “Bakugo?”
He stiffens in place, his breathing becoming a little staggered as anxiety swells in his chest. He swallows, “yeah, it’s me. Just came by to drop some stuff off.”
Bakugo hears movement, the familiar creaking of the bed, and all of a sudden he’s being hugged. He feels wetness on his neck as Kirishima nuzzles his face in the crook, his arms tightly holding Bakugo’s waist like he’s afraid he’s going to leave. Bakugo immediately drops everything he was holding to wrap his arms around Kirishima’s shoulders before they start to shake and fuck it's almost unbearable to hear Kirishima cry.
He stays silent, letting Kirishima cry into his neck while he rubs soft circles on his back. He’s not sure what else he’s supposed to do, he didn’t expect this especially since he was the cause of Kirishima’s distress. However, as always, he waits.
“Sorry,” Kirishima mumbles against his neck, but doesn’t let go.
“Don’t be,” Bakugo immediately says, holding him tighter, closer.
Kirishima sniffles, his weight shifts from foot to foot before he speaks, and shit he sounds so goddamn sad, “I fucked up.”
Before the words are out his shoulders are shaking again and his breathing becomes rapid and then Bakugo is dropping to the floor with him in his arms as he becomes dead weight.
He slumps against Bakugo’s chest as he cries so hard it makes Bakugo’s eyes burn, but he chokes it back because this isn’t about him. He just holds Kirishima as close as he possibly can. He pulls him into his lap, cradling him as he cries into his neck. He vaguely registers what Kirishima said and it feels wrong for him to say he's fucked up. It's not his fault, none of this is.
“It’s okay, whatever happened, it’s okay, Kirishima. Like I said, I’m always going to be here.” Bakugo reassures, trying to not cringe at his own words. They don’t sound like him, he almost never sounds like himself when he talks to Kirishima and it’s weird, foreign, but he doesn’t hate it. He just doesn’t understand why.
Sort of.
That’s for a different day.
Kirishima clutches the front of Bakugo’s shirt, pulling it tightly as he cries into Bakugo’s neck.
“Tell me what I can do,” Bakugo says as he runs his fingers up and down Kirishima’s arm, “I’ll do anything, anythi--”
Kirishima halts his crying, flinching his arm away from Bakugo’s touch causing Bakugo to freeze. He doesn't know why he feels like he's just made a mistake. It’s dark, so dark he can’t really see but he can feel--he definitely felt something that wasn’t there before. He knew Kirishima’s skin, being his best friend and sparring partner and locker room neighbor made him all too familiar with each ridge, blemish, and scar. There was barely any secrecy between them so he knew, he knew that what he felt just now was new and fresh.
Kirishima then tries to crawl out of his arms, but Bakugo tightens his hold, pressing him against his chest as he feels Kirishima start to tremble. He can hear the shortness of breath, the way he gasps for air as he cries.
“Kirishima, listen to me,” Bakugo says with a surprisingly even voice considering there’s a large lump in his throat, “listen”, he emphasizes with a firmer tone as Kirishima attempts to break away from him, “it’s okay, Kirishima. It’s okay, alright?”
“No, it’s not!” Kirishima yells and Bakugo winces from him being so close to his ear, “it’s not! I didn’t want-I didn’t, it’s been so long and I don’t--I don’t know why! I’m so fucking pissed Kats. I didn’t want you, of all people, to know, not you. I didn’t want you to see,” he paused, hiccuping, trying to catch his breath, “I didn’t want-didn't want you to know how broken I am.”
On instinct alone, Bakugo moves quickly, lifting Kirishima as he comes to his feet before hauling his ass to his bed. He lays him down, gently, before tossing his sweatshirt over Kirishima, grabbing the squishmallow and shoving it into Kirishima’s arms before spooning his best friend. He waits a moment as Kirishima rushes to put on the sweatshirt, if Bakugo had the time he would absolutely scream at how cute that is. Instead, he waits until Kirishima settles so he can pull a blanket over them before wrapping his arm around his torso, pulling him as close as possible.
He makes sure his mouth is right at Kirishima’s ear, his heart racing in his chest as he speaks, “you know I don’t say shit I don’t mean so don’t for a fucking second think I’m about to bullshit you.” He pauses, taking a breath as he’s met with sniffling, “there is nothing wrong with you. Do you hear me? Nothing. You are not broken. You are not worthless, you are not weak, even if your evil ass brain tells you otherwise.” He nearly growls the last bit, pausing to regain his composure before he continues, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you besides your fashion choices but that’s for a different day.”
He feels a small smile tug at his lips as Kirishima lets out a small snort, “you are Eijiro Kirishima, Red fucking Riot and you’re a badass hero with the friendliest, most wholesome personality I have ever fucking witnessed and for some reason you’re my best friend so naturally that makes me the luckiest man alive.” He swallows, feeling the lump form in his throat again, “which is why I owe you an apology.” He feels Kirishima stiffen but remain silent, he presses forward even though he’s starting to lose confidence in his words, “I’m sorry, Kirishima. I’m so sorry for being such a shitty ass friend to you. I know I’m not the best, hell I’m the absolute worst at being a good friend, I mean I have a pretty telling track record but whatever. Anyway, I’m sorry, for saying shit I don’t mean. For teasing you about shit you like, for making fun of you for having that fucking clock--”
Bakugo stops as Kirishima turns to face him, he can’t see but he does feel the Squishmallow between them and the faint huff of Kirishima's breath, “you think I'm upset with you?” Kirishima asks and his voice is so soft and so unsure.
Bakugo feels his eyebrows pinch, knowing Kirishima can’t see, “uh, yes?” And suddenly he hears Kirishima laugh. It’s not like any of his other laughs, no it’s not light or airy, boisterous or unrestrained, no it’s...unsettling. It's raw and forced. Did he say something wrong?
“Ka-Bakugo, I-”
“You can call me Katsuki.”
He can hear Kirishima swallow before taking a deep breath, “Katsuki,” he pauses and somehow Bakugo knows he's blushing, “I wasn’t mad at you. Not at all.”
“What? Really?" He rushes out, immediately following up with, "Your clock...I thought--"
"Just a moment of weakness on my part. Nothing to do with you I swear."
Bakugo chews on the inside of his cheek, a little confused, "Then...what is it?”
He can feel Kirishima squirm, the bed dipping as his legs fidget, “okay, I’ll tell you but before I do I want you to know that I am usually in way more control and that it’s been years since something like this has happened.”
“I trust you, Kirish-”
“Eijiro.”
Bakugo allows himself to smile in the dark, “I trust you, Eijiro. I’m not going to judge you, I’m just...fuck. I’m just really worried about you.”
“I know...and I’m sorry,” he sighs, “can you...can you turn on the light?”
Bakugo shifts, reaching over to the lamp to pull the string to light up the room before turning back to Kirishima. His heart sinks at the sight of his best friend, he looks so tired, so drained. His eyes, usually full of life and energy, sunshine are dull, and distant with dark circles underneath. His hair is oily, sticking out in even more disheveled spikes and his skin looks almost grey against the muted red.
He waits, he always waits, even though his mind is screaming at the sight of Kirishima wearing one of his hoodies.
Kirishima glances down at the Squishmallow, his eyebrows pinching before a smile tugs at his lips. He turns it over, scanning the face before a real smile breaks out and Bakugo hadn’t realized how much he missed the sight of those sharp teeth.
“You got this for me?” Kirishima asks and Bakugo wants to cry at how big his smile is.
“Well yeah, thought you could use some company.” Bakugo smirks as Kirishima clutches it close to his chest, squeezing it tight before relaxing.
"How embarrassed were you to buy it?" He asked, and oh how Bakugo wanted to bathe in his playful tone.
"I wasn't," he lied, knowing Kirishima wouldn't believe him.
Kirishima shook his head, smiling sweetly, "thank you..."
He wanted to tell him that wasn't necessary, he didn't need to thank him for doing the bare minimum, but as he watches Kirishima’s smile fall he remains silent, mentally preparing himself for what's to come.
Kirishima takes a deep breath before exhaling slowly and Bakugo vaguely remembers to breathe, “sometimes...I get in my head and at first, it feels like I have a choice. That I can handle it and it’ll go away,” he shifts, fiddling with the tag on the shark's seam, “but then...then sometimes I can’t get out and before I know it I’m in too deep and I can’t stop thinking about places where I fall short. Like...like last week I got a C on our math test and I feel like I should be happy about that but I actually felt really disappointed,” he frowns, “I don’t know why I just...I don’t know I just want to be great at something. It feels like everything about me is so average, mediocre. My quirk is average, hell, Tetsu is basically my twin so what’s so unique about that y’know?”
He bits his bottom lip as it starts to wobble, taking a few breaths before continuing, “and my grades are average even when it feels like I put above-average effort and when I look around at our class I can’t help but feel like I’m just...I’m the extra in a sea of main characters and it hurts.” Fat, crocodile tears stream down his cheeks as his eyes shift to Bakugo’s then back to the tag on the Squishmallow, “and I just get caught up in my own insecurities, my own jealousy and I feel so guilty for feeling this way because I love my classmates, I love how successful and amazing everyone is I just...I just don’t always feel like I’m a part of that. That I’m more of a cheerleader instead of an active player and--and sometimes it hurts so much that it stops hurting and I can’t feel anything and all I can hear is how painful it is to be me and--and then I do this.”
He’s trembling as he pulls up the hoodie sleeve to reveal red slashes on his bicep, the ones Bakugo accidentally ran his hands over earlier, “and when I do this for a split second I feel like I’m here, that I am worthy of something because I can feel pain. I don’t know...it sounds so dumb when I say it out loud but I don’t know how else to describe it.” He sniffles, pulling the hoodies sleeve down, returning back to the Squishmallow, “and then when I realize what I’ve done I feel so guilty and stupid and crazy because who does this shit? Definitely not a hero.”
He sniffs, pulling his gaze to meet Bakugo’s and Bakugo can see how hard it is for him to do that simple task, “I just, I wanted you to believe in the Kirishima I showed you. The one who’s strong and confident and believes in himself. Not this one.” He grimaces, wiping away some of the tears, “not the one who’s scared, who doubts everything--it isn’t manly at all.”
Bakugo nearly pulls a muscle as he rushes to say, “you’re not alone, Eijiro.” Kirishima stares at him and Bakugo strains himself to not crumble underneath those hopeful eyes, “I’m scared too. I get insecure just like you do and I will kill you if you repeat that.” His smile mirror Kirishima's, “I hide for the same reasons you do but not in the same way. I’m mean because it makes it harder for people to get close, for them to see just how fucking weak I am. So, I get it. I do, I really fucking do and I get that being close to me is terrifying because I’m the same way with you.”
He swallows, his throat hurts from the strain of his muscles, "you know what's manly?" He laughs, disbelieving in his own words, "being able to understand and regulate your own emotions. To...to be vulnerable, to say I'm here and fucking mean it. I can't do that yet, but I will, one day." Clearing his throat he continues, "That's what I see when I look at you, even when you're weak you are still so strong." He chews on his cheek as Kirishima watches him with wide eyes, like he can't believe what he's hearing, "I've never said this to you, or anyone really, but out of every one of these assholes here you're the one I look up to the most." He swallows as Kirishima's eyes widen even more, "and I don't think I'm the only one. I think the whole class does. You've got so much to be proud of, Eijiro."
He pauses, wiggling his nose to keep the tears at bay, “I see you, you know. I see you suffering and I know it’s a vulnerable spot to be in and you have every right to push me away because I know I’m not the best at emotions and shit, but…” he swallows, making sure his eyes stay on Kirishima, making sure he can see how serious he is, “I’m here, I mean it, I will always be here. This-us, ” He points between their chests, “it’s safe. Okay? It's safe and I know I'm not the best but you can relax with me, you don't have to hide or pretend to be strong. Alright?”
This time when Kirishima starts crying Bakugo pulls him as close as possible with the Squishmallow between them. He runs his fingers through oily locks, fingers trace shapeless patterns on his back and he waits.
He will always wait.