Work Text:
"Any last words?"
"No matter what anyone says, I hate all the monkeys. But it's not like I detested anyone from the college. It's just that in a world like this I can't laugh from my heart at all."
"Suguru."
"At least curse me a little at the very end…"
[8 days later]
"I'm so angry at you, you know. We were so good. Why'd you have to become this insane? You were supposed to be the reliable one out of us two, the one who's serious, the one who keeps me in check. Who's gonna keep me in check now, huh? I don't think there's anyone who will be able to. Or who will want to. Not the way you wanted to, and I want that way. I want someone to tug on the back of my shirt when I'm being too disrespectful. I want someone to tie my blindfold and then slide their hands on the sides of my neck. I want someone to play with my fingers and then kiss every single one of them. Fuck, Suguru, I don't want someone, I want you. Who else would kiss the hands of a murderer?"
[23 days later]
"Now I'm angry at myself. I could've done something, anything to prevent all this from happening. I should've talked to you more, I should've convinced you to change your mind. Not for the good of humanity or whatever, we didn't care about that, why would we. For me. I know I would never win an argument with you, you were the smarter one. But you were also the loving one. Your love was the softest thing in my life, everything is so rough now. Was it not soft enough to spare me the horror of killing you? I should've loved you more. Maybe then you'd abandon your ideals only to be with me. I'm gonna blame myself for the rest of my life. Together, we were the strongest, but on my own I am the weakest."
[31 days later]
"Do you know it's been a month since you left me? The loneliest month. I miss you so much, I have to do everything alone now. I'm back to the times from before I met you. The whole fucking world rests on my shoulders and I don't even have the right to crumble underneath it. I know I won't crumble but this awareness makes me so tired, so irritated. I wish someone would take this responsibility away. Oh, sorry, I'm probably boring you, you've heard it already. Quite a few times, huh? I wish I could whine about that to you again. You were the only one who understood, you didn't have to say anything. Just like you do now. But you did respond. You held me in your arms, you rubbed my ear with your thumb, you intertwined your fingers with mine. And that was enough, you know? That was enough to make me think that my life isn't only a burden. That even if it is, I will carry it, because you carry it with me."
[67 days later]
"No one gets me the way you did. Sure, I'm funny, I'm fucking hilarious, I'm confident, but that doesn't mean I'm always okay. People treat me like something that is a given. They act like I exist to save them from troubles. They assume I'll always pull through because there isn't anything that could ever defeat me. And I hate that they're right, that all of this is true. I do exist to protect and there is nothing and no one stronger than me. I despise that. To make this a bit more bearable, I play with people. And they let me because they know they can't stop me. You always stopped me, Suguru. You were never afraid to give me a hard time because you knew how to make me flustered, how to make me silent. I was so happy when you did that. It felt really good not to be the one in power sometimes."
[121 days later]
"Wow, I haven't been here for a while. Were you lonely? I hope you were. Because I am, all the time. I try to fill the void you left with other people. I teach. The kids are so funny, you'd love them. I nag the higher-ups. They aren't funny, you'd hate them. I do too, actually. They really, really want to use me but they know they can't because I could destroy them with a snap of my fingers. That gives me a lot of satisfaction. I imagine you'd laugh now, you know I hate authority. They make everything so much worse. Their stupid fucking customs. I hate traditions. No, scratch that. There is, there was one I always loved. Do you remember how every year on my birthday you baked mochi for me? And each time they were a different flavor. I remember the last ones you made for me were green matcha with strawberries. Amazing. It's a pity you won't bake me any this year."
[201 days later]
"I'm not doing great, Suguru. I'm so overwhelmed with everything and— Fuck, I wish you were here. If I cursed you properly maybe I'd at least get to feel your presence through some other entity. But I never think ahead, do I? There's so much shit I have to deal with to keep the world running, to keep everyone safe. Curses are getting stronger because of me and young sorcerers get killed by them. In a way, they get killed by me. Ha, if all people who died by my hand go to one place then I guess you have quite a lot of company. Sorry, not a good joke. Suguru… Can't you come back somehow? I need you here with me. I wish I told you that more often. Maybe leaving wouldn't be so easy for you, then."
[312 days later]
"There are new kids at Jujutsu Tech. One of them, Yuji, became Sukuna's vessel, can you believe that? An ordinary kid. A good kid. The higher-ups instantly wanted to kill him when they found out but I stopped them. He's just a boy. Once he eats all fingers he will have to die anyway, but at least he'll get to live before that. He's so innocent, he's one of those people I truly want to protect. He even made friends with Megumi, isn't that an achievement. They hang out with another first-year, Nobara. Three musketeers, full of enthusiasm, full of potential. They remind me of us and Shoko, shit makes me nostalgic. Do you know that when I get to see Shoko we leave place for you? Because you always walked in the middle. It breaks my heart that in the end Megumi and Nobara will do that too. I'll do everything to postpone this moment. Fuck, Suguru. I wish someone postponed this moment for me as well."
[389 days later]
"It's been over a year now. I feel guilty that I don't think about you everyday anymore. You fucked up but you were always so important to me. I loved— I love you so much. If I wanted to, I could pretend we're in a long-distance relationship. I mean, there will come a point where I'll finally get to see you again. Maybe someone will send me on the other side the same way I did you. Well, good luck to them. I think I'm gonna thank them for that, you know. I'm starting to forget you. I can't feel your fingers in my hair when I close my eyes. Hell, I can barely remember your face. It angers me. I don't have the right to forget the person I killed, especially if it's you. I don't deserve that. Oh, Suguru. I'd give away everything to hear your voice once again."
October 31, Shibuya
"Yo, Satoru!"
"I really did give away everything…
and it's not even you."