Archive of Our Own

"I hate you."

He knew his words weren't holding the edge and annoyance he wished they would as he steps into the infirmary of the monastery.

As he was standing in the door, eyes skimming the room and as they eventually on Sylvain, it was quite difficult to not let his anger slip away completely.

He knew he'd have to stand his ground. There was no reason he should let the other know about the spike of panic climbing up his throat, when he had seen him collapse in front of him. In all honesty, Sylvain didn't deserve to know - Because he was and had been downright stupid.

With how he smiled weakly when their eyes meet, corner of his lips twisted almost nonchalantly -

Well, Felix got the feeling that Sylvain might figure it out himself anyways. He had always been able to read him easily like that.

"Fe, that's no way to greet your knight in shining armor, is it?"

That earns the ginger a sharp glare, Felix body tensing at the teasing tone. If the other wasn’t injured in bed, he wouldn’t have hesitated to punch him. Instead, he grabbed one of the close-by chairs, pulling it close to the bed Sylvain was laying in, the feet of it scraping on the ground. Felix’ chest was filled with a turmoil of emotions as he sat down, arms immediately crossing and fingers digging into the fabric of his clothes.

Felix’s eyes did not leave Sylvain’s, the cavaliers smile slowly fading away and eyebrows furrowing.
Out of the corner of his eye, Felix could see how Sylvain’s hands tighten on the blanket covering him. Now quite nervous looking, his tongue moves to wet his lips before he opens them to speak again.

This time, however, Sylvain is interrupted.

“A goddamn liar is what you are-”, Felix’s voice was laced in fury now. His mouth was thin-lipped even as his eyes were still blown wide in worry, skimming the other’s body again, glance drawn to his naked and bandaged chest.

Even with the skillfully placed cloth and Mercedes white magic, Felix could still see where Sylvain had been hit by the spell. Beyond the edges of the bandages, he could make out marred and scarred skin.
It made him want to wince. When he remembered the electricity in the air, the flash of lightning coursing Felix’s way, Sylvain rushing in at the last second to throw himself in front of him. 

The memory makes his eyes close in distress, looking away from his friend now.

When Sylvains body had hit the ground after being flung off his mount, it hadn’t taken Felix a split second longer to end the mages life. Rushing to drop next to the other’s body that had fallen into the mud.

It had been hard to breathe, heart racing and it felt as if Felix had been crushed by a thousand tons. He began shaking Sylvain in a desperate attempt to wake him up. The magic blast had easily melted through the cavaliers clothes and armor, Felix able to see the fabric burned against his skin and stuck into the wound. 

He was beginning to feel sick to his stomach when the wound began to glisten with discharge. His hands shaking and clinging desperately to the other’s body, Felix’s ears ringing. Sylvain had barely been breathing and it was as if he could see his heart stuttering and holding on by a thread. The air still felt tingly from the spell, making the hairs at the back of his neck stand up and his skin prickle. 

Felix had been upset and angry and panicked the last time Sylvain had gotten hurt, but this time it was different. This time, there was no answer as Felix shook his friend, no tired smile and open eyes or the audacity to ask Felix if he was fine- 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Sylvain’s muscles were still twitching after the jolt of electricity that had run through his body and Felix wished it wasn’t that and instead was a sign of the ginger waking.

This couldn’t be happening again. Sylvain had promised him to stay, that they wouldn’t simply die without each other. That he wouldn’t be this stupid in irresponsible again-

In that moment and in Felix’s panic, he had hated how long it had taken him to call  a white mage for help.

“Felix-”

It was Sylvain’s voice and his gentle hand carefully touching Felix’ shoulder that pulled him out of the unpleasant memory. He hadn’t realized how he had started to shake and grow even more tense. His heart rate was picking up and making him breathe harder.

“You fucking promised, Sylvain-”, Felix grits through his teeth, voice cracking at the end. “We- You said we- that you wouldn’t-”

The words were leaving Felix and he didn’t know how to explain how angry he was. How to express how upset, worried and terrified he had been. 

Body slumping forward a little, he presses the palms of his hands against his eyes to take a long shuddery breath, "I thought we already talked about this Sylvain- You did. That you wouldn't get yourself killed, you fool -" 

"But we both promised, didn't we? I - I'm still here Felix. More importantly, you are still here. You know just as well as me that a hit like that…", Sylvains voice travels off softly, and his hand reaches out once more to gently rub at Felix arm, thumb brushing over the fabric of his shirt. 

"I know I'm an idiot, but I am not going to let you die right in front of my eyes, Fe. I know I promised I'd get my act together and I did. I spent much longer thinking about it than you’d believe. I know what I want to fight for and what is important to me. You are part of it. You always will be. If this spell had hit you with the type of protection you wear it would have been fatal. You- you wouldn’t be laying here like I do. ", he continues and shifts in his bed, whining in a way that makes Felix's head snap up in worry. 

At this point his anger was all but pushed aside and Felix felt desperation take over, tightly gripping around his heart. His head flooded with ‘what-if’s’, ‘buts’ and other dreadful possibilities. Each one is more painful than the last and eventually makes him slowly shake his head. He knew Sylvain was right, however, that didn’t mean Felix could forgive him so easily.

"You are so stupid-", he says, voice a little raw and breathy. "You think you just get to tell me that? Get to tell me that you're fighting for, what? Friendship? Us? Do you really think you get to tell me that and it would all be okay again? After I thought you were dead-?" 

"I mean… To be fair, I guess I do not expect you to forgive me. I was almost sure you wouldn't even come to see me. I thought you'd be furious and opt to give me the cold shoulder for my foolishness.", Sylvain says with half of a laugh. 

Though, Felix knew it wasn't an honest reply. It was nervous and strained, as if Sylvain didn't quite dare to say what he really thought or wanted to. Felix could hear Sylvain’s fear in it, the fear that he might be right in his assumption. It had always been like this - the older one hiding his feelings behind smiles and excuses and jokes to cover up the words he truly wished to speak.

After all their years being friends, Felix had become an expert in figuring out each little mannerism and tone. 

So it was just natural for him to know that Sylvain was scared about being right. That maybe one day, Felix would simply decide he had been enough of an idiot and was not worth dealing with anymore. That he'd messed up one time too much. 

"I can't believe you.", Felix hisses, heart beating faster now, wondering if he had truly given the ginger the impression he wouldn't stay at his side day and night to make sure he was okay if he had to. Sylvain should know him better than that. "Do you really think I'd just abandon you, mh? Or that I wouldn't care if you were just gone- Damn it, Sylvain. We've been friends for years and you think I'd just throw you aside because I was mad at you for saving my life-?" 

Felix grits his teeth and pushes his hair back. Some of it stuck to the rest of his scalp, still covered in dirt and sweat, leaving his face uncovered. Feeling a little overwhelmed, he clenches and unclenches his hands after, hoping it would help him steady his heart rate. 

"I don't--Fuck, Sylvain I'm not good at this but I care okay? I care a lot. Too much maybe. I need you. I always have. I don't - I don't understand how you could even think-", Felix stops himself, eyes skimming over Sylvain’s expression and he remembers their last conversation like that. 

Without another moment of hesitation, Felix moves in to wrap his arms as tightly as he could around the other's injured body. Sylvain flinches under the sudden pressure and Felix loosens his hold only ever so slightly not wanting to add to the injuries.

 
Even if Felix had not admitted how much he had enjoyed being close before, that didn’t mean he had not relived the way his arms had felt around Sylvain’s body. Embracing the cavalier, knowing he was fine and alive right then and there in Felix arms. Safe. 

"I care about you too, Felix.", Sylvain whispers back, sounding quite small. "I- I thought a lot about what I promised you. About what we promised each other. That we'd die together one day--but the longer I thought about it, the more I knew that I'd give my life for you. Because even if I lived, how could I live with knowing you aren't at my side? Knowing I did nothing to try to save you."

His words made Felix's chest tighten and it was as if he was suffocating all of the sudden. Sylvain's confession weighed heavily on him and if he could hug him any tighter, he would. 

"And you think I don't feel the same?", Felix eventually speaks, sounding out of breath by the emotion bubbling in his chest alone. "You think I wouldn't care if you were just gone? When I promised you I'd die with you, I meant it. A world without - a world without you in it isn't worth it, okay?" 

There was one thing about hugging that Felix realized he appreciated. It was that in the position they were in, Sylvain wasn't able to see his bright red face, but still could hear his voice that was barely above a whisper.

With their bodies so close, Felix could feel the other’s heart beat quick and heavy - or maybe it was his own. He wasn’t certain.

Finally, Sylvain's uninjured arm wraps around Felix’s waist and his chin rests on the swordsman’s shoulder. 

Even if Felix couldn't see him, he wondered if the ginger’s eyes were closed. How peaceful he might look at the close proximity of them both. He hoped Sylvain enjoyed this as much as he did. 

"I want you at my side.", Felix continued, quietly now. After all, he knew he was being heard, talking almost right into the other's ear. "Until this war is over and longer. Until we are both old and I can barely swing a sword anymore." 

That part seemed to make Sylvain smile, his chest heaving a little with a chuckle that was followed by a strained sound as his scarred tissue was pulled at the quick intake of air.

"You can't just say stuff like that, Fe. ", he mumbles sadly and it causes Felix to pull away, eyebrows furrowed once more. His eyes quickly moved over the others facial features, looking for something specific even if he himself didn’t know what that was. 

"What-" 

"You can't just say that.", Sylvain repeats as he was still trying to figure out which of his words enticed a reaction like that. "You're strong, Fe. Stronger than I'll ever be. You've been through so much and always pushed on. Even without me you'd be just fine-" 

"Be quiet."

The harsh tone in Felix’s voice was enough to interrupt him. His previous annoyance wormed its way into him again but was followed by a strange and upsetting sadness that he couldn't quite explain. Or maybe he could, but didn’t dare to give into that thought just yet. 

"I don't know when you started to think that you were allowed to decide who I'd be fine with and without.", Felix says, eyes sharp now and looking into Sylvain's stunned face. He hated how the other almost looked like a child being scolded. That wouldn't stop him, however.

"I've always been here with you, and you were always here with me. So what does it matter if I'm strong or not, or if you are. Why would that even be relevant to anything?" 

Felix takes a deep breath and pulls the other in again, regretting the harshness of it when Sylvain groans in pain. He needed this, though. Needed this to show Sylvain that he was serious about this. He had the vague feeling that Sylvain needed this too. 

"Do you think I'd want to win this war without you next to me? What does it matter what's at the other end if it's an end without you, Sylvain?" 

Behind Felix’s voice was a desperation: a desperation to make the other understand that he was serious about this. That he wasn’t simply saying this to make Sylvain feel better. Felix had never been and would never be good at showing his feelings or expressing them, but for Sylvain he would try. He wouldn’t outright admit this vulnerability. Though, somehow he had the nagging feeling that maybe he should.

"I don't care what you think of yourself, Sylvain. You aren't just a skirt chasing fool to me, okay? I- I care for you. Always will. So if you aren't there with me why, do you think I could be happy? It's not - it's not easy to lose people and I can't lose you."

With how his voice shook and how he hid his face in the crook of Sylvain's neck the more he talked, it was obvious that saying this was quite hard for Felix. It made him nervous and his palms sweaty. Even though this was Sylvain in his embrace, it was still troubling to expose himself this way.

So when Sylvain merely laughs at it, Felix wants to punch him once again. 

"You know, if I didn't know any better I'd say you are proposing to me right now. So we can be together. Always and no matter what.", Sylvain says with a strange tone, filled with an emotion Felix couldn't quite pinpoint. It made the swordman’s gut twist and turn, heart skipping a beat. 

Now that he thought about it, Sylvain sounded almost hopefully sad. Like he wished it to be true, yet knew it wasn't. 

Why did this idiot always have to think he wasn’t important enough to be cared for? It made Felix scoff and pull away once again, revealing his bright red face to the other.

“What’s so fucking funny?”, Felix says through gritted teeth, glaring into the other’s light brown eyes. “I don’t care what you think about yourself and if I have to tell you a hundred times that you are worth being around and deserve to live. So what if I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Maybe I should-”

Saying the next words was as if Felix was jumping into the freezing water during Fearghus’ coldest winters.

“Maybe I should just propose to you. At least I could make sure you don’t throw yourself in line of fire for every damn spell then-” Felix’ voice was shaking now, sounding breathless and he could swear his heart was jumping out of his chest. “Maybe then you’d finally believe me that you are important and wanted, okay? Fuck, like I could ever even think about having anyone but you next to me for the rest of my life.”

It was odd to see Sylvain stunned into silence after that. Never before did Felix wish for him to say something more than right now. At the same time, though, he couldn’t blame him for keeping quiet just this once. When the silence dragged on, Felix’s mind struggled to find something to say to break it.

Thankfully, Sylvain seemed to be quicker than him when it came to speaking, shifting under Felix gaze a little. With red cheeks, Sylvain’s eyes darted over the room to avoid meeting the other’s again.

“I- Fe…?”,the older asks almost sheepishly, fingers twitching a bit as if he was holding himself back from reaching out. “ I think- You know, don't give a fool like me hope. Makes me wonder if I did die after all-”

“I’m not just- Damn it, Sylvain, I mean it, okay? What do you want me to say? I- don’t make me word it out, okay I don’t think I-I can-”, Felix tried to explain, lips pressed together tightly after as he now too had a hard time keeping eye contact.  “Just- why do you think I don’t want you to throw your life away for me just like that? Don’t- Don’t look like that. You know exactly what I’m saying.”

Sylvain now dares to place one of his still shaking hands on Felix’s shoulder.

“I promise then.”, the ginger says quietly, yet loud enough for Felix to hear. “I promise that I will take better care of myself. For you, b-but for me as well. So we can be together forever. So I can die with you by my side. Long after this war.”

Even with all that happened, Felix believed him this time. Something in his voice was more than just this promise, an invitation for a future that he wished to believe in.

“Fe?” Sylvain asks then, hand slowly traveling down his arm to take Felix’s hand instead, squeezing it gently. “If you truly wish to spend the rest of your life with me… I think I’d like to try something. Can- can you come a little closer?”

With his heart beating quite fast now, Felix does move closer. It takes a moment of hesitation, but he does sit at the edge of the bed, thigh now touching Sylvains hip and even though they had been as close as this many times before it left him with a tingle under his skin and a certain anticipation.

It was strange to think that just a little bit ago, he had been furious with Sylvain.

The hand that had previously held Felix’s own had wandered to his cheek, the fingers still trembling. Unable to hold his own hand still, Felix placed it on top of Sylvain’s leg.

Neither of them said anything now, both leaning in closer to each other and Felix dared to close his eyes just a second before their lips met.

This wasn’t unlike what Felix had imagined it to be.
Sylvains lips were a little chapped and rough but still moved quite skillfully. It was embarrassing to admit, even to himself, but he had wondered how it would feel to kiss the other before. More than just a few times.
Felix didn’t know why it was so easy to simply believe that Sylvain felt the same, especially if neither of them had outright admitted it. After all, this was Sylvain; or maybe it was just because this was Sylvain, that it was so easy to believe and lean into it.

Their kiss did not last long and yet it felt as if it had taken all of Felix’ breath.

When they finally parted far enough to look into each other’s eyes, both of them smiled.

“That’s more like it.”, Sylvain says quietly, a smirk on his lips now and laughing softly, almost in disbelief. “I think after all that, your knight does deserve a kiss. Or maybe two or ten-”

As sweet and beautiful as the moment had been just a second ago, Felix’ smile falls and he once more glares at the other. Once he could, he would most definitely make Sylvain pay for his foolishness.

“Goddess, I hate you.”

“I get the feeling you really don’t.”