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He built dreams around crowns of promises in the herd of words that together they weaved. He wore these ambitions like badges of honor, a valor that sustains every mineral in his bones their very reason for living. And Lan Wangji looks at Wei Wuxian with tenderness in his eyes, softly caressing every crevice of his soul while he holds his heart close to him.
Lan Wangji pours the definition of intimacy into loving Wei Wuxian, a love he keeps and gives in ways he knows.
But love is a rough and bumpy road, it is a paradox that relieves the feeling of pleasure along with the bitter after-taste it leaves. A disgusting flaw behind the glorious glowing red strings and sweet promises. Lan Wangji believes in the universe and in Wei Wuxian, their fates have been long sewn together, a promise they locked with the moon’s blessing.
“Are you really leaving?”
Wei Wuxian sighed, he held Lan Wangji’s face, their foreheads pressed against each other. He stares at his eyes, a surge of emotions rushing from his shoulders. He knows this feeling all too well, the familiarity it brings him similar to how a lighthouse guides ships back in safely. He presses a benign kiss on Lan Wangji’s lips, parting before the other had the chance to change his mind, he has to do this unfortunately.
Lan Wangji chases his lips, the kiss was too quick and too chaste. It tasted sweet like freshly harvested strawberries, it’s just too natural and craving for more is his natural response. He stares at him, returning the same intensity of his gazes. He pouts his lips, suddenly feeling a rush of loneliness in his lips.
“Don’t be silly Lan Zhan, it’s just for work. We can always video call, and I’ll update you everytime that I can.” he says giggling, pulling his head away from him to take a better look of his face. How can he have him in his life? He’s too lucky. There’s something really good he did in his past life to deserve this, that’s ridiculous.
“Lan Zhan stop pouting!”
Opposite to what he was told to do, Lan Wangji pouted his lips more followed by his furrowed eyebrows. Wei Wuxian just shakes his head and giggles, squishing both of Lan Wangji’s cheeks with his hands.
“Wei Ying ouch!”
“I love you Lan Zhan” he whispers, letting go of his cheeks and pressing a soft long kiss on his forehead. He smiled at him again, he can never get tired of moments like this. Times where they don’t have to worry about anything and just be in their bubble, but there’s still a reality they have to face.
“I love you too Wei Ying.’’
_______________________________
The first few months of their long distance relationship was tough, they were so used to each other’s warmth that it felt like Antarctica without the other. The breeze was colder and harsher, while the universe felt lonelier. In some time they have adjusted to their new situation, Lan Wangji enjoys long video calls even though it’s Wei Wuxian who does most of the talking.
Whenever they can they’ll have a video call during lunch. Lan Wangji will just listen to him talk about his work and what tasks he’s been given. He looks ecstatic talking about his job, he looks brightest when he speaks of the things he loves and Lan Wangji loves to indulge in it.
“Lan Zhan, you know, I was tasked to do this project and my boss gave me the leader position. Can you believe that?” He says, while picking the food from his lunch box with a chopstick, only pausing when he eats and chews. Typically, Lan Wangji is against talking during a meal but Wei Wuxian is an exemption. “Mn.”
Wei Wuxian just continued his stories and they barely noticed that the time had already passed, he looked at his watch and his lunch was almost done. They talked of many things aside from his work, he asked how things are currently in Gusu, Lan Wangji said that nothing much had happened aside from his uncle’s crazy antics and pestering his brother to get married already. Wei Wuxian giggles at it, Lan Qiren had never expressed a clear hate to him but he’s always been vocal with how he dislikes him and that Wangji could do better, but it’s alright since he’s in a relationship with the nephew not the uncle.
“Poor er-ge being bothered again hahaha! Lan Zhan I have to go now my lunch break is almost done. I’ll call you again later if I can. I miss you already Lan Zhan! I love you bye~”
“Mn. I love you too, Wei Ying.”
The long distance relationship works smoother than they had thought at first, sure they miss each other badly but their communication was there and at that time it was enough. The reassurance of their feelings lies within their communication and Lan Wangji takes an extra step with his words to convey more of his emotions since he isn’t able to do it physically. He talks more in their calls, and when Wei Wuxian is feeling stressed with his projects, he plays him guqin in the call to calm him down and it works like a charm.
> To: Lan Zhan
From: Wei Ying
Lan Zhan, I’ll be going for some drinks with friends! I may not be able to call later, letting
you know now! I love you!
<To: Wei Ying
From: Lan Zhan
Take care, Wei Ying. I love you too.
That was the last text he ever received, the last update, and all that Wangji knew slipped away from his fingertips. It happened in a blink of an eye, and everything he treasured turned into missed calls and unanswered texts.
Sighing, Lan Wangji pours for another shot his pad never felt this lonely, correction he never felt this alone since his mother had passed. The longingness rushing through his nerves like an adrenaline that accompanies you after a long marathon the only difference is that this one doesn’t release dopamine. He stares at the walls of his place, every corner reminding him of his presence, even his own routine freshly reminds of his image. He’s everywhere and he can’t seem to get rid of him, he’s not even willing to.
“Wangji! Where have you been?” he hurriedly ran towards him, weariness evident in his tone. It’s Lan Xichen, his older brother. How fucked can he be looking right now that he had to rush over looking disheveled, not that it bothers him he just doesn’t want to hear any of it. Xichen had never been against him being with a man, but with Wei Ying, his opinions had always stayed neutral. Unlike his uncle who always expressed his dislike to his lover, Xichen had always smiled at him but never clearly said anything. All he had said is he’ll support him as long as it makes him happy. And right now, Wangji is far from happy and nowhere close to fine, he looked like the universe had damned him.
Lan Xichen quickly takes the bottle of vodka before his younger brother could pour himself a shot, he looks at him with weariness. Wangji hadn’t picked up his phone, answered his texts, nor left a voicemail. It almost felt like he disappeared after filing an indefinite sick leave which was quickly approved. Xichen puts the bottle where Wangji cannot reach it and comes to look at him closer, he sways his hair away from his face and sees how swollen Wangji’s eyes have been. He sure looks like he had let himself go, he didn’t stop crying, his eyes water like a waterfall that quietly sobs. It hurts him to see him like this, Wangji had always been secretive about his dilemmas and had never talked about it since he likes to keep things to himself. And right now, he wants to do something, anything that can maybe make his brother feel okay, but he feels helpless.
“Wangji, please talk to me? What happened?” he asks politely while he strokes Wangji’s hair and pays full attention to every twitch of his eyebrows and hiccups from his sobs. He’s been crying non-stop, that's all he knows, he has always been gifted enough to guess at least what goes in Wangji’s head. Call it brother perks since they grew together and had memorized each other’s mannerisms, but right now he skims through his memories but there’s nothing that fits this situation. Wangji only cried twice in his life, 1. When their mother had passed. 2. Right now.
There was only silence between them and the muffled sounds of Wangji’s sobs, Xichen sighs and goes to the kitchen for a glass of water. He hands the water to his brother but he didn’t even raise his head to acknowledge his presence, and ended up placing it atop the glass table.
“Have you talked to Wuxian yet?”
Like a fuse in a firework, Wangji suddenly gave a reaction but it wasn’t something he had expected. Wangji’s cries echoed in the room and grew louder, and Xichen had no other choice than to aid him by rubbing his back.
It was his name again, mentioned in his face and even if he had cried a lot the feeling resides all too deep in him like a bottomless well. He detests the feeling that embraces every skin of his body yet it is also the only thing that makes him feel he’s still here. A few hours of no updates is alright, a few days is worrying, a whole month is alarming, and two years is definitely heart breaking. He doesn’t mind waiting for him, he had always thought that Wei Ying is worth it and he’s willing to do and give him everything, the long distance relationship worked fine, they were communicating and at that time it was enough. The sweet messages are good for a day booster, but when it all stops the feeling becomes all too overwhelming, but it isn’t that bad. It made him self-aware, what truly happened? Did he lack something?
Even though Wangji is willing to wait and dedicate his everything to Wei Wuxian, he’s only human, bound to be exhausted. He wanted to hold on until the very end, be with him and no one else’s but it seemed like fate played them well and now he falls into a misfortune. Holding onto a love that they nurtured is one thing but keeping and holding on to it when there’s nothing left to hold but empty cocoons of past memories is another.
He was like a ticking bomb patiently waiting to explode and this moment is the right time to do it, his emotions just came into a burst from hearing Xichen’s question. How can he talk to him if it seemed like Wei Ying, their memories, and their relationship felt like a fever dream? He knows to himself how bad he wants to talk to him, just an explanation and he’s ready to take him back again. He loves him so much that he’s willing to listen and set aside his selfish reasons and take him back again. It's Wei Ying, he’s different and Wangji is willing to gamble away if the stakes are him having him by his side. But when it’s already him who left without a word, how can he keep forcing himself on him? Wangji didn’t answer Xichen’s question, what should he say that their relationship fell into a steep slope without reason and he might be single again? Or perhaps that maybe Uncle Qiren is right that Wei Ying will eventually leave him since he’s only with him to use him? He’s not even sure what to say, no single news, not even a missed call for him. He just poofed, gone.
“Wangji please can you talk to me?”
Wangji looks at his brother, he’s here, the one who had always been there for him since they were kids. He can’t say it right? Wei Ying has his reasons, he should continue to wait for it even though everything is in a blur, the possibility isn’t even higher than fifty percent but that’s still the half. He shrugs his shoulders as a response completely lost for words to say, he wants to complain about it to Xichen but he can’t find the right words to use.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Finally he said something! Wait-- nothing? He looks like the universe has poured all it’s problems on him and he says not even a single word. Lying is forbidden in their family, but technically he isn't; he just refuses to speak in regards to it.
There must be something going on that’s why his brother had acted like this, he doesn’t even drink alcohol but look at him now crying and drowning himself in it. Xichen can’t just idly sit and accept that his brother is a mess for “nothing”.
“Was it about Wei Wuxian?”
Lan Wangji had raised his head to look at his brother’s face, their faces are very similar to each other aside from his brother having smile marks since he smiles more than he does. They have been called twins by other people, and he really can’t hide anything to him, no?
“Don’t speak of that name.” He warns him while he shortly throws glares at him. He follows it with a sigh and wanders his eyes looking for that bottle he’s been drinking, the bitter taste lingers in his palate along with the burning sensation in his throat. Now he gets why people enjoy drinking because this feeling is unmatched and makes you forget the pain of invisible wounds.
“Wangji…”
“Can you leave me alone for now?”
Xichen shakes his head and snatches the alcohol again before Wangji gets a grip on it, he sighs and puts it further away.
“No. I was worried sick about you and look at you, you’re a mess!” he scolds exasperatedly, on the other hand those words sounded like an off tune bell ringing in his ears. Wangji doesn’t wanna hear Xichen nag to him, he appreciates what he’s doing but he can’t deal with it right now.
“If you’re not leaving my pad, then I’ll just head out.”
Wangji announces nonchalantly and rises from where he’s sitting to grab his keys and slightly fix his hair, combing his hand through it. He didn’t look back to see Xichen’s reaction, he just walked away from the scene.
“Wangji wait! You’re drunk!”
No answer.
_______________________________
“Lan Wangji.” Qiren remarked when his eyes scanned his nephew from head to toe holding an offended gasp to himself. He barely recognized him from his appearance.
He’s wearing a white polo, tight that it’s fabrics hug his skin intimately. He also had rolled the sleeves up to his forearms and left a few buttons unbuttoned. On his side was his brother and slightly nudged his side but he ignored him and took a seat across from his uncle.
Xichen makes a small and awkward laugh in an attempt to thin the thickening air between them. It had been a few years since they had a family dinner like this since Qiren is mostly overseas managing their other business there while Wangji and Xichen remain in mainland to look after their main business here since they are entitled to inherit it and they have to learn how to run the business.
“Uncle, how have you been?” Xichen asks as he takes a seat as well beside his younger brother followed by a light hearted smile. He looked around the restaurant, they had always come here for family dinners and it had become a thing as years passed by.
Qiren on the other hand didn’t fully ignore his nephew’s question but more likely his attention is glued to Wangji who busies himself looking at the menu quietly. He presses his tongue against the roof of his forehead making and clicking sound and following it by clearing his throat, he strokes his beard with his hands and looks at him with much curiosity and judgement.
“Uncle I heard the business in states is going to-”
“Wangji.”
Xichen was again ignored, sighing he knew this dinner might not end up quietly or smoothly at most. Lan Qiren is very how do he say it without making it sound bad. Well it’s bad anyways, he’s very traditional to say it lightly. He believed in the family’s doctrine and has taught the siblings about it and they must follow it since it was made by their ancestors, but as the modern day progresses some things are left inevitable. Not in this case though.
“I’m ready to order.”
“Lan Wangji, don’t ignore me,”
“...Uncle” they exchanged a few looks at each other, while Qiren analyzed him more. He can’t fathom what had happened to his nephew. This isn’t the Wangji he had raised.
“I am very disappointed with you, Wangji.”
Lan Wangji just looked at him and didn’t say anything, he doesn’t talk back to elders and it’s one of the things Qiren had taught them when they were still young. He only sighed and looked around before he signals to the waiter that he’s ready to order.
The next few things from ordering a meal and waiting for it to be served went awfully silent. No one had dared to talk, Xichen wanted to ask his uncle about his recent activities but the atmosphere is too thick to insert it so he sits quietly observing the both of them.
No talking during a meal. The time where they eat is normally quiet and it’s nothing to be shocked about so they eat quilt without making any noises aside from the sound of silver gliding on the ceramics when they use it to pick the food. Alas! The dinner had ended but Qiren wasn't done yet.
He lets out a long sigh and wipes his lips with a napkin, “Why did you do this to yourself Wangji?”
“Just wanted to.”
‘Wanted to’ those words made Qiren lose his patience and if this were any cartoon his head had probably been red and smoking, but right now he looks like it. He slams his hand on the table and glares at Wangji.
“Wanted to? WANTED TO?” He barely raises his voice and right now is one of those unfortunate moments, his tone hints at an underlying mockery yet overpowered by his anger. He sighs and takes his eyes elsewhere, still cannot believe what foolish reason his nephew had for.
“Is this because of Wei Wuxian? That man was never a great influence on you!”
Wangji’s ears pierced with the name his uncle had just said, his calm gazes slowly crawled to his uncle, glaring at him like his tongue just tasted something so bitter. Lan Qiren just smirks at his nephew and chuckles with the way he reacted.
“So it’s really because of that whore?”
“Do not mention his name on the table.”
Lan Qiren gasps unbelievably, he can’t decipher if he meant not to bad mouth that boy toy of his or he simply doesn’t wanna hear his name.
“Why? Because it’s true? You’re ruining your life for some cheap man, Wangji, you're better than this.”
Lan Wangji just scoffs and ignores what his uncle had just said, he doesn’t like to hear badmouthing Wei Ying despite how many years had passed already. His fists were clenched under the table, he knows his uncle doesn’t approve of Wei Ying but he never thought he'd hear him say it right in front of him. Always bragging about discipline and decency but right now he doesn’t have one.
“Ahaha, c’mon now let’s not ruin the night.” Xichen interferes with a light chuckle, the mood has not been good since they had arrived and been spoiled a while ago but he can still prevent things from going completely sour right?
“Ruin the night? I think Wangji had ruined it a long ago when he dated that boy ans decided to ruin his life.” Qiren remarks looking at his nephew with disappointment, he’s sure he had raised them well and Wangji had always been so obedient and what he looked for when asked for a good child model, but he doesn't even recognize him anymore.
Those tattoos on his arms, one that looked like a sleeve on his right and with a dragon that wrapped on his left arm. Also a neck tattoo that is easily visible to anyone and a chest piece that peeks from his unbuttoned polo. His ears pierced with different silver earring, and a smug look written all over his face. He still has his calm and serene demeanor but Qiren cannot fathom what Wangji had done and he sees these pieces as dirt on his nephew's skin. It’s not even a big deal, but Qiren is a little (emphasis on little) too traditional.
“I’m going to go now.” Wangji had announced leaving right away before his uncle could’ve said something. He doesn’t want to come to this dinner in the first place so why does he have to put up with all of the nasty things he had to say.
He did for himself and no one else. Maybe what Wei Wuxian did was a trigger but his decisions in the present doesn’t concern anyone from the past anymore.