Chapter Text
Barriss Offee, the Padawan to Luminara Unduli, has been struggling with intrusive thoughts. They said things like, "You're going to fail your Jedi trial" or "Luminara doesn't actually care about you." The Jedi order was her whole life. Sure, you could say that about most Jedi. But for lots of other Jedi, if they had been born without the force or just never found by the Jedi order, still had families to raise them. But she was found abandoned on a starship cruise liner. Even though she obviously didn't remember the day she was abandoned the Jedi who found her often told the story how by chance he found a baby with Force sensitivity. He told her because he thought it was a cool story. He didn't realize how much it hurt Barriss to hear it. Since in early age Barriss knew that if the Jedi had never found her she would have had no one to take care of her, no one to give her face tattoos.
Some humans think that Milarians are born with the patterns on their faces but they are tattoos. When a Milarian turns 13, they are given to them by their parents. On their home planet, if your face is still blank when older than 13, you are shunned. Everyone on the streets would know that you have no family and are unloved they call them blankfaces. Barriss would occasionally have nightmares about living on the streets on her species' home planet with no tattoos and having people laugh and point at her as they passed by.
When Barriss Offee was a youngling, Luminara would sometimes spend time with her. The Jedi council believes it is important for the alien members of the Jedi order to try and preserve their culture so older alien Jedi would often meet with younglings of the same species to share their culture with them. It meant so much to her that a member of the Jedi council would want to spend time with her.
That is what Luminara had done. She told Barriss about her culture and what the face tattoos meant. And when she was 13, Luminara gave her a face tattoo. Barriss still thought of this as the happiest moment in her life. Even though her family had abandoned her, Luminara cared for her. Barriss still remembered it like it was yesterday. If any member of her race saw Barriss on the streets they would know that she was not alone that she wasn't unloved.
Luminara had later become her master. Barriss was so happy when Luminara had chosen her. Barriss always thought when she became a Jedi she would like to become one exactly like Luminara.
When she became her Padawan, she wanted nothing more than to please her. She would watch Luminara closely to make sure she did everything exactly the same way. She would study and train hard to make sure she passed every test.
She liked to think she and her master had a good relationship. Luminara was respectful and gentle with her. She never got angry she would only occasionally council Barriss when she made a mistake. But she would never yell at her. However, Barriss always felt they weren't as close as she would like. Her master was the most important person in her life. Luminara was her hero the person she most wanted to be like in the galaxy. And secretly something that she has never told anyone before has that she liked to think of Luminara as her mother.
When she met Plo Koon and Ahsoka, master and padawan, she felt jealous of their relationship. They didn't just do training and missions together, they would sometimes hang out together and have fun. Once she even saw Plo give Ahsoka a hug. Luminaria had never given Barriss a hug. While Luminaria was the most important person in Barriss's life, she was not the most important person in Luminara's life.
Barriss had just celebrated her sixteenth birthday which meant that very soon she would have her Jedi trial. It was possible in that just a few months she would actually become a Jedi Knight. She should have been looking forward to her chance become a Jedi Knight and prove she was worthy of being found on that starliner being and brought to Coruscant and receiving her face tattoos, but she is very worried that she will fail.
She had a recurring nightmare. In the dream, she just had failed the Jedi trial to become a Jedi Knight. She was sitting by herself on a bench in an empty room in a state of shock. she can't believe she had failed. She had trained and studied so hard. She refuses to cry. Jedi are supposed to be stoic and face adversity bravely without tears. She plans to apologize to Luminara for failing, to tell her that she'll work extra hard, that she'll train and study every waking moment that next time she takes the Jedi trial she'll pass for sure.
She sees Luminara walk into the room. As Barriss is about to begin her planned apology, Luminara waves her hand to signal silence. "I am sorry, Barris, but soon you will no longer be my Padawan. Since you have failed the Jedi trial I find it unlikely that you will ever be a Jedi Knight, so there is no point in continuing training," said Luminara without emotion.
Tears start to well up behind Barris's eyes as she says, "Please Master give me another chance I know I'll pass the trial if you just give me a second chance," Barriss begs.
"I never needed a second chance and neither did the three other apprentices I had before you. If you need a second chance you don't deserve to be a Jedi. You failed Barriss accept it and move on," said Luminara. This can't be really happening thought Barriss the most important person in her life told her she was never going to accomplish her life goal and that she was a failure. She said it so coldly don't I matter to her at all though Barriss. She felt like her heart has been ripped out of her chest.
Barriss couldn't hold back anymore she burst into tears. She never cried in front of Luminaria before she felt so ashamed. luminara believe Jedi should be stoic that they should try to avoid emotional extremes like crying or getting angry.
Then Luminara did something out of character. She began to laugh cruelly at Barriss. "You're so pathetic. You are crying and you actually think you deserve to be a Jedi," Luminara mocked.
This only made Barris cry harder. Luminara then grabbed her face by her chin. "Your parents were right to abandon you on that starliner. I think they might actually be smarter than the Jedi, they knew the moment you were born what took us 16 years to find out. That you are a failure that you are worthless," Luminara said.
Luminara ran her fingers across Barriss tattoo. The tattoo meant so much to her. When her she looked at it in the mirror she felt joy because it meant someone cared about her.
"I want this tattoo removed. I want everyone to see your blankface," Luminara said cruelly
Usually by that point Barriss woke up. She always told herself it was just a dream that her master would never act like that in real life. She was stoic which could sometimes come off as cold. But she was never cruel.
She started to have anxiety that maybe it wasn't a dream. Maybe it was a vision from the force to tell her she was never going to become a Jedi Knight and that Luminara was going to throw her away.
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Luminara talked to master Plo Koon earlier in the day. He had asked for advice about his Padawan. He was very stressed out about her. She had been his apprentice for two years and it didn't seem like she was getting better she still had the same issues. Luminara told him to choose to see it as a learning experience for both of them that they should trust in the force and try to learn from it.
She didn't tell him she thought what what's going on Ahsoka was his fault. Luminara believed if he spent more time working with her as a teacher instead of trying to be her best friend, Ahsoka would have turned out better. Luminara never thought too much of Pl Koon's style of mentoring, she thought he was much too affectionate and mushy. Sometimes she thinks Master Plo forgets that Ahsoka isn't actually his daughter he is not her father he is her teacher and she is his student. There's the job of the master to teach Padawan what it takes to become a Jedi nothing more nothing less. Sure, it could be tempting to have fun with them. But you are doing them a disservice. Is it more important that they had a little fun when they were a Padawan as opposed to them failing their Jedi trials or worse dying because you failed to help them reach their full potential?
Gentle but firm was how she thought of her style. Be kind to them but keep some distance between the master and the apprentice. She had taught three padawans before Barriss. All three had passed the Jedi trial and are now Jedi knights. Barriss' Jedi trial was coming up later this month. She was positive that Barriss would pass just like her past padawans on her first try.
She considered Barriss an all most the perfect Padawan. She was very intelligent and organized. Her only complaint was that she was sometimes a little too clingy.
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Barriss was alone in her room. She had just woken up from a repeat of her nightmare of her failing the trials. She felt waves of sadness go over her. She now felt that it wasn't a dream but it was a vision. She knew that she was going to fail the trial and lose everything that matters to her. She felt tears behind her eyes. She hated feeling like this. She was a Jedi. She was supposed to be stoic and accept the will of the force. Not break down and cry.
Her master always told her she should avoid emotional extremes like getting angry or crying. But it was so hard the thoughts just kept repeating in her head. She was going to fail the trial she was never going to become a Jedi Knight and Luminaria was going to throw her away. The pain from these thoughts felt almost physical.
She needed be punished for being so weak. Luminara would never punish her she was too gentle. Barriss has felt she needed to punished herself.
She rolled up her long-sleeve to reveal her arm to show the faded scars of three cuts across it. She had done the cuts to herself.
She had done the first one several months ago. She had overslept and missed a training session with her master. Luminara told her she was disappointed in her. Barriss and apologized her master seemed to accept it, but she still felt bad about it for days. It was all she could think about. She eventually decided that she still felt bad because she hadn't been punished properly. So she took a small knife that was part of a jewelry making kit she had stolen from Ahsoka to make a cut across her left arm. Green and red blood spilled on her arm. Even though it hurt, she felt a lot better. All the bad thoughts disappeared as she focused on the cut.
But she was also really ashamed of it. She was worried that people would find out that she was a freak who cut herself when she was upset. She swore to never cut herself again. She was worried that someone would notice something, would somehow sense it or maybe smell the blood. But they never noticed she always wore long sleeves so no one ever saw the cuts. She had broken down two more times and cut herself. she felt right now she was going to relapse again. She took out her knife and made a new cut on her left arm.
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After talking to Master Plo about Ahsoka, Jedi Master Luminara Unduli felt it was time to check on her own Padawan. She pressed the button to open the door her padawan's room and sees her with a knife over her arm with blood streaming down it.
Luminara rushed forward and took the knife from her. Did Barriss make an attempt on her life? Why did Barriss do this to herself? Luminara thought she is such a good student. Through the force, Luminara felt waves of anxiety and shame come from Barriss.
This is so bad thought Barriss. This is just like my nightmares. My Master must be so ashamed of me. Barriss wished that she could just die right there. She felt tears welling up behind her eyes and she felt like she couldn't breathe.
Luminara felt shocked. Nothing like this has ever happened with any of her other apprentices. But in her head she told herself she was a Jedi she needed to remain calm. "Barriss why did you do this to yourself?" Luminara tried to ask in her usual calm voice but her voice shook a little and it came out a little louder than she wanted.
Barriss burst into tears and started hyperventilating. She hadn't even failed the Jedi trials and Luminara had already seen her at her worst. Not only did she know she was a failure but knew she was a freak who cut herself when she was upset.
Luminara had never seen Barriss cry before.
Barriss tried to say something, to apologize to Luminara, but she couldn't get it out through the crying and the heavy breathing. In between sobs she started to make a wheezing noise.
"I'm so," she stopped in the middle of a sentence to make a wheezing noise, "sorry" she wheezed again.
"Master I," but she wasn't able to keep talking.
Luminara couldn't believe what was happening, her Padawan was falling apart. She needed a way to calm Barriss down. She had seen parents hug their children to calm them down when they were upset. Luminara decided to give it a try. Luminara hadn't hugged anyone in years and she wasn't sure if she was doing it right. But her Padawan still seemed to calm down slightly. Her crying wasn't quite as loud.
Barriss felt her Masters arm's wrap around her. She had wanted Luminara to hug her for years and couldn't believe it was finally happening. This was the last thing she expected. She had expected Luminara to yell at her or make fun of her. Barriss enjoyed the feeling of the hug. She was starting to feel very touch starved since no one had touched her at all since Ahsoka hugged her goodbye two months ago when she left for a mission with Pol Koon. Barriss felt herself calming down.
Luminara released her Padawan from her hug but kept her hands on Barriss shoulders. She looked into her padawan's eyes, red from all the crying and Luminara saw fear in them.
Luminara told herself she needed to come up with a plan of what to do next. She decided the first course of action will be just stop the bleeding on her padawans arm.
"Barriss I want you to stay still while I get the first aid kit don't move," Luminara told her.
Barriss then sat perfectly still when luminara left the room. Luminara came back a second later with the first aid kit. First, she wiped up the blood and she put disinfectant on the cut then put the bandage over it. Barriss started to say something. But Luminara spoke first,"Barriss we'll talk in the morning. Right now, I want you to take a shower and put on your sleeping clothes and come to my room with me." Luminara was afraid if she left her Padawan alone in her room she might try to hurt herself again. Even though she toke her knife away Barriss she might have another one hidden, or she could try to jump out of a window, or take a speeder and intentionally crash it. With so many ways to kill yourself unfortunately Luminara feels a little sick thinking about it. She hoped that if kept her Padawan in her room she would be able to keep an eye on her and if she was in bed with her she'll be able to sense if she woke up in the night so Barriss wouldn't be able to hurt yourself again.
Barriss did as she was told. She enjoyed the shower. It made her a lot calmer. She walked with Luminara to her master's room. She assumed her master wanted her to sleep in her room with her.
Sometimes In bad nights when she had a bad nightmare Barriss wanted to ask master if she could sleep in her room with her master. Being around Luminara always made her feel safe. But she never did ask she thought that it would look pathetic for a teenager to want to sleep in their master's room. She also didn't want to admit that she had nightmares. Most of the Jedi were lucid dreamers she felt bad she was never able to master that skill.
When they had gotten to the room, Luminara changed into her sleeping clothes as well. Barriss was about to lay on the couch in the room when Luminara said, "No Padawan you can sleep on the bed with me there's enough room." said Luminara. Luminara decided she didn't want to confront Barriss right away. She was tired from a long day and Barriss seemed to fragile right now to talk about it. Luminara plans to talk with her Padawan about what happened in the morning.
Barriss lay down on the bed. Luminara laid next to her turned off the light and pull the blankets over them. Barriss fell asleep before Luminara. Luminara looked at her Padawan sleeping. She looked so peaceful. It was hard to believe that she had recently been sobbing, hyperventilating and cutting herself.
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Barriss woke up she felt more rested than she had in a long time. She felt comfortable and safe. She didn't want to open her eyes and face another awful day. But the bright lights in the room forced her to open her eyes.
Barriss looked up to see Luminara sitting up on the bed still on her sleep clothes looking down at her.
Luminara put her hand on Barriss shoulder.
"Barriss we should talk about what happened," said Luminara gently. Barriss felt dread in the pit of her stomach. Through the force Luminara sensed Barriss' emotions.
"Padawan if you're honest with me I promise I won't get mad," said Luminara gently.
"Okay, master," said Barriss nervously as she sat up on the bed.
"Barriss, when you cut your self last night was that a suicide attempt?" asked Luminara, part of her didn't want to ask but she knew she had to know.
"No, master," answered Barriss.
"Then why'd you do it, Barriss?" asked Luminara gently as she grabbed both of Barriss hands.
" I'm so sorry, Master. You must be so ashamed of me, " said Barriss.
" I'm not, I promise. I only want to know what happened," said Luminara.
Barriss got silent and there was an awkward pause. She really didn't want to tell Luminara why she did it.
"Barriss, please," said Luminara, looking deeply into her padawans eyes. Barriss still didn't want to tell her but felt she had no choice her master had asked her directly twice.
"I cut myself because the pain from cut makes my stress go away. Does that make sense?" she said very softly.
"But, Barriss, what could be stressing you out? You're such a gifted student," still not understanding.
"But I'm not, master. I think, I know I'm going to fail the Jedi trials. I'm not good enough. My parents were right to abandon me. I don't deserve to be a Jedi I don't deserve to be your Padawan. I don't deserve my face tattoos."
"Barriss you can't mean that!" said Luminara with her eyes full of pity.
" Master, it's just I put 100% into everything and I still make mistakes. Every night I have nightmares that I failed the trials and you don't want to be my master anymore," explained Barriss.
"But I would never," then Luminara thought about the last part Barriss and said, "Wait, how can you have nightmares if you're a lucid dreamer?" Barriss looked guilty. She had lied to Luminara about learning how to become a lucid dreamer.
Luminara knew just by looking at Barriss that she had lied to her. She remembered when she spend time with her as a youngling, Barriss had tried to copy everything she did. Barriss even claimed she had the same favorite food as Luminara so she had decided to share her lunch with Barriss. Barriss looked like she was having hard time eating the spicy food. It was obvious to Luminara that Barriss was struggling to eat. Barriss didn't want Luminara to know she didn't like the same foods. Barriss irrationally thought maybe if they didn't like the same for a food Luminara wouldn't want to spend time with her anymore. Luminara could easily tell she wasn't enjoying the food and then jokingly asked her if she could sure it was their favorite food.
Luminara had thought it very funny. It was her favorite story to tell about her Padawan. She would often tell to other Jedi Masters. She had assumed Barriss had outgrown the trait of lying to her to please or avoid conflict. Apparently, she had not.
"Barriss, why would you lie to me about something like that?" asked Luminara.
As Barriss thought about it, she realized she lied to her master quite often. Sometimes to make her master proud of her but usually to avoid conflict with her. Their relationship was the most important thing in her life, but she constantly worried about it being so fragile that an argument or even a small disagreement could destroy it. So she tried very hard to avoid conflict even if that meant lying occasionally. She hoped if did this their relationship would be closer. More like the relationship between Ahsoka and Pol Koon. She felt like she was walking on eggshells.
Luminara thought of a way she should be able to understand what her Padawan was feeling. "Barriss, I will use the force to go in to your mind. I will be able feel what you feel. Let me use the forced to enter your mind." Barriss didn't want that. Luminara would be able to see all of her thoughts every secret and every embarrassing memory. But she could not bring herself to say no to her master.
"Alright, master," she said meekly. Luminara then put her hands on Barriss head and pulled her in closer.
"Trust in the force, padawan," Luminara said. Barriss then felt her master's presence enter her mind.