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Akaashi fiddled with the buttons on his jacket, doing them up before he changed his mind and undid them. The jacket looked better open, right? He looked too stiff, too formal with it done up. Yes, it was better to leave the buttons undone.
His fingers flexed and he picked up his drink to have something to do with his hands. It wouldn’t do to be fidgeting nervously in such a high class place. It would probably reflect badly on Bokuto and that was the last thing Akaashi wanted to do.
Truly, it was a little bit of an awkward dinner. They hadn’t been anywhere together since their fight last week and Akaashi really didn’t want to be here now. They had since apologized and made up and Bokuto had suggested Akaashi accompany to tonight’s party so as not to have to go without him. Akaashi had agreed, mostly because he could see that Bokuto was trying.
Akaashi wished he could try but he still wasn’t over their fight quite yet. It had been a hard few weeks for him, what with deadlines at work, family issues, and general life stressors. Bokuto had been absent for all of it.
He knew it wasn’t Bokuto’s fault. This was the nature of his job and Akaashi knew that when he started dating him. But that knowledge didn’t make it any easier when he lay awake alone in their bed for months on end, desperately needing some kind of reassurance only to be met with an empty apartment and a lonely bed.
Although, that particular point had come out during their argument and, since then, it hadn’t been much fun sleeping in the bed with Bokuto, either.
He was determined to make it up to him because he knew he’d made Bokuto feel guilty and that wasn’t his intention. He was just tired.
The dinner they had was nice and Akaashi always enjoyed a chance to see Bokuto’s teammates again, namely Hinata, but now he was back to standing alone near the bar while Bokuto discussed something with his coach and trainer.
Akaashi wasn’t asked to stay back but he felt it was best to do so. There were enough people crowded around the table already and he didn’t want to make it worse. He didn’t fit in with this particular crowd of people, didn’t have much to contribute, which is why he was surprised when he was approached by someone he didn’t recognize.
“Evening,” the man greeted easily as he sauntered over to stand beside him. “You’re the famous Akaashi Keiji, right?”
He raised his eyebrow on instinct, a slight defense mechanism against the unfamiliar person recognizing him. “Yes.”
The man smiled and extended a hand forward, letting it hover in between them. “My name is Nakano Soshi. I work for the MSBY club.”
Akaashi nodded slowly as he reached out to shake his hand. “It's a pleasure to meet you, Nakano-san.” The grip was tight and his hand was slightly clammy.
Nakano continued to smile at him but it didn’t look genuine, leaning further toward a smirk rather than a welcoming smile. “Do you normally sit at these things by yourself?”
The question came across like a come on, though if this man knew who he was, he most likely knew of his relation to Bokuto. Akaashi kept his guard up, responding as eloquently as he could. “I am unable to contribute to such an in-depth conversation about volleyball strategy,” he replied as he gestured vaguely to where Bokuto was standing. “I wouldn’t want the coach to think I was eavesdropping on their gameplan.”
Nakano chuckled and leaned an elbow on the bar. “Of course not. Can’t risk those secrets getting out, can we?”
Akaashi hummed in agreement. It’s not like he was stupid enough to reveal any game plans even if he had overheard but he kept those thoughts to himself.
“I have to say, Akaashi, I’m glad I ran into you.” He wasn’t surprised by that; he could tell by the way Nakano carried himself that he had a purpose for coming over here. “I have something I’d like to speak with you about.”
To him? What could someone from Bokuto’s club possibly have to say to him? It felt like he was teetering on the edge of a trap, but he wasn’t sure if he could politely refuse. “Sure?”
Nakano glanced around the room, his eyes catching on the group Bokuto was standing in. Akaashi followed his gaze in time to see Bokuto toss his head back and laugh at something someone said. Akaashi felt the way the lines on his face relaxed as he watched him.
“It’s a bit of a sensitive topic,” Nakano continued slowly, drawing Akaashi’s attention back to him. “Would you mind just stepping over here with me?” He gestured to a quieter corner of the room, away from everyone else.
Akaashi nodded, it’s not like he was doing much standing here alone anyway, and followed him across the floor until they were well tucked away from everyone else. Nakano leaned towards him and they stood a little too close for comfort but Akaashi didn’t want to be rude, so he stayed put.
Nakano stared at him for a minute, like he was calculating something, before he spoke plainly. “I think you should reconsider letting Bokuto-kun come to away games.”
It felt like ice water had been tossed on him; Akaashi froze, staring up at Nakano while trying not to show his shock on his face. “What do you mean?” he asked slowly, trying to keep his voice steady.
Nakano looked at him with something very similar to pity on his face. It made Akaashi’s stomach turn. “Come on, Akaashi. Everyone knows what’s going on between you.”
His heart pounded in his chest so violently he thought it might be strong enough to break through his ribs. Everyone knows? Everyone knows what? Did Bokuto tell the entire team about their fight? Surely he wouldn’t talk about something so private and delicate to so many people? “I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
By the way Nakano looked at him, he thought Akaashi was playing dumb instead of being genuinely confused. “Traveling is a great opportunity for him to improve and excel and I really think you’ll be holding him back if you make him stay.”
Make him stay? Is that what Akaashi was doing? That wasn’t what he had meant when he told Bokuto he missed him but maybe he guilted him without even meaning to? Did Bokuto feel like Akaashi was forcing him to stay with him when he really wanted to be traveling? “I haven’t ever said--”
“You don’t want to hold him back in his career, do you?” Nakano raised his eyebrow and took a step closer.
“I--” Akaashi frowned. He was feeling a little bit stifled in this corner, crowded by both how close Nakano was standing and the weight of the words he was speaking. “No. Of course not.” He had never wanted to do that, had always been terrified that would happen once they got together.
“I mean, this is his dream,” Nakano continued to twist the knife. “The one thing he wants most in the world. Asking him to give it up would be pretty selfish, don’t you think?”
He was starting to get angry, now. He didn’t like what Nakano was insinuating. “I have never once said anything of the like to Bokuto-san--”
“Bokuto-san?” Nakano cut him off with a raised eyebrow. “So formal for someone who’s supposed to be close to him.”
Akaashi narrowed his eyes dangerously and his back straightened as he glared at him. When he spoke, his voice was sharp and cutting. “I would ask that you don’t presume to understand anything about Bokuto-san and I’s relationship.”
This is why Akaashi didn’t appreciate Bokuto telling everyone about their personal issues.
“Hey, I meant no disrespect,” Nakano returned firmly in a tone that reeked of disdain. “I’m just saying maybe you should think about what’s best for him instead of you. Continuing to be this selfish is only going to hurt Bo in the long run.”
Akaashi’s mouth fell open at the comment, taken by such surprise at that particular comment that he forgot to keep his composed expression in tact, and he took a step backward. “I don’t think I’d like to continue having this conversation.”
Is that what he’d been doing? Had he hurt Bokuto with his complaining and starting that fight last week? It was the last thing Akaashi ever wanted to do and something thick crawled up his throat at the thought.
Before he could walk away, Nakano wrapped a hand around his arm and kept him in place. “Don’t get angry,” he protested even though the damage was already done. “It’s not me saying this. Have you seen the articles? I want to prepare you for that and maybe have you think a little bit about what you’re doing to him.”
The articles? What was he talking about? They had just felt comfortable enough to make their relationship public and there were already articles about it? Akaashi figured he shouldn’t be surprised but here he was, no longer annoyed at the hand on his arm because he was so stunned.
Nakano glanced at something over Akaashi’s shoulder before his hand dropped and he took a step back. “It was great talking to you, Akaashi,” he said with a polite bow and a plastic smile. “Think about what I said. Hopefully you stick around.”
He barely heard what he said, his mind was too busy working through everything he had just been told. Was their relationship really going to set Bokuto back that much? Was it his fault? Was he being unfair and too demanding?
A warm hand settled on the small of his back and a familiar wave of cologne wafted under his nose. Bokuto was suddenly close to him, staring off after Nakano. Akaashi turned towards him instinctively and tried to smooth out the furrow in his brow.
“Who was that guy?” Bokuto asked as he settled his hands on Akaashi’s hips, the way he does when he gets possessive.
“Nobody,” Akaashi answered quickly, bringing himself out of his mind so as not to worry or irritate Bokuto. “I don’t know him.”
Bokuto rubbed his hand over where Nakano had gripped his arm. Akaashi wondered if he had noticed or if it was just a coincidence. “You looked uncomfortable.”
Shit. Did he? He had thought he had done a good job at maintaining a composed expression but perhaps he was wrong.
“I’m fine, Bokuto-san,” he replied as he leaned into him slightly, the formality in the name feeling heavier on his tongue now that Nakano had called him out. Even if things were a little rocky between them right now, being so close to Bokuto always was enough to offer him a little comfort. “Do you need something?”
Bokuto frowned at him for a moment as his fingers rubbed little circles on Akaashi’s hip. “I came looking for you. Was wondering if you were ready to go.”
He didn’t care, to be perfectly honest. “I’m good whenever you are, love,” he said as he reached up to straighten Bokuto’s tie. It didn’t really need it. “It seems a little early though, doesn’t it?”
He received a head shake. “Nah, it’s actually kinda late. We can go if you want.”
“Don’t decide because of me.” The last thing Akaashi needed was to drag Bokuto away from this meeting because he wanted to go home. “I’m here to support you.”
When Bokuto smiled at him, it made him feel a little better. Rarely had Bokuto ever given him a smile that wasn’t sincere, especially once they became more than friends. Bokuto glanced down at his mouth and leaned forward like he was going to kiss him before pulling back. Akaashi knew it was because Bokuto likely didn’t want to make a big scene in front of his coach and his team, but it still stung.
Bokuto settled for pressing a short kiss to Akaash’s cheek, high on the bone just under his eye, before pulling away to say goodbye to his teammates.
They left quietly and, when they reached the car, the silence continued to stretch between them. Bokuto pulled out of the parking lot and began the drive home. Though he tried to ignore it, Akaashi couldn’t help but think about what Nakano had said to him. He mentioned articles, right? He must mean online articles. It’s not like anyone read the newspaper these days.
Akaashi pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened a new tab so he could type in Bokuto’s name. Thousands of results instantly popped up but he clicked on the first one he saw. It was dated from the day Bokuto posted a picture of them on his social media and once it opened, Akaashi bit his lip as the bold kanji stood out on his screen.
Disappointment among MSBY fans as ace Bokuto Koutarou comes out
His heart pounded in his chest as he reread the words three times to ensure he read it correctly. He was a disappointment, hmm? Well, he supposed that was to be excepted; Bokuto did have quite the fanbase and while it could get a bit overwhelming, Akaashi certainly understood why it existed.
He skimmed through the article, trying not to let his eyes catch on words like disappointing or detrimental or poor decision. He blew past the scathing remarks about himself and his role in Bokuto’s apparent decline in performance and attitude, but let his eyes be drawn to the amount of comments. There were… a lot. He clicked on the button before he really thought it through and skimmed through the top voted ones.
bokuto_12: EW whyyyyyy
Bo-Ko: that’s his bf?? Oof
b0kut0sbaby: he just needs to meet me and he’ll forget all about him ;D :*
bokutofan12: when the best looking guy on the team dates someone way uglier than him >.<
bokuto-simp: who allowed this????
user_6354: his playing has been shit ever since this guy came along can’t wait til they break up so msby can win a game again
msby_fan_06: thought Koutarou would have higher standards tbh
maybe he’s dating someone uglier than his to feed his own ego
There were a few comments that were positive but overall there was a strong negative reaction to news of their relationship. There were a couple shots at Bokuto, which made Akaashi’s blood boil in his veins so much that he wanted to hit something, but there was much more about him. People did not seem to like him.
He had always thought that he and Bokuto were pretty evenly matched, that they each had strengths and weaknesses that complimented each other, but now… He cast a subtle glance at the man beside him, one hand on the wheel as he used the other tug at the collar of his shirt. How could he ever think that when all he did was complain about the fact that Bokuto didn’t spend as much time with him anymore?
He exited out of the article and clicked on another one, shocked to see a collection of photos of the two of them that Akaashi didn’t even know existed. There was one where Akaashi had waited for Bokuto at the gate in the airport when he came home from playing with the national team, a candid shot of them holding hands on a coffee date, a shot of Bokuto pointing to him in the stands. There was even a shot from tonight, moments before they left and Bokuto had kissed his cheek.
Akaashi examined the pictures closely, pulling the phone up to his face. Bokuto was smiling in every single one. Despite not even knowing that pictures were being taken, Bokuto was smiling like he was shooting a cover for a magazine.
Next to him, Akaashi looked… dull. His hair always looked like a mess, his glasses were crooked, there was a tear in his cardigan; it was always something. Even in the photo from tonight when Bokuto’s lips are pressed sweetly to his face, he looked bored.
The comments under there were no nicer than the ones before.
bokkun_69: is he poor or something? Bokuto’s charity case lol
koutarous-angel: this guy has the PRIVILEGE to have a kiss from bo and hes FROWNING?????? wtf is wrong with him
bookootoo: Bo is so cuuuuute! T^T I just wanna hug him
user_45-12: i fucking hate this guy
bokutos.left.kneepad: hell if i knew bokuto was into bored looking twinks i’d have called him up ages ago
BokutoKoutarou_offical1: click here for images of bo where i cropped out the other guy
The other guy. Akaashi almost laughed. That’s what he was starting to feel like. What was it Nakano had said? He was holding Bokuto back? He didn’t mean to but maybe he didn’t see it. And it seemed like these articles thought along the same lines as Nakano.
Akaashi’s heart clenched in his chest as a terrifying thought occurred to him. Had Bokuto seen these? Did he read the things people said online? Did he agree with them? God, he hoped not.
He couldn’t stop thinking about it. It consumed his mind enough that he barely realized the car had stopped and they’d made their way up to their apartment. He’d been walking on autopilot but when he finally tuned back into his surroundings, he was in their living room with Bokuto standing in front of him, looking worried.
“‘Kaashi, what’s wrong?” Bokuto stepped forward and opened his arms. “You’re being real quiet tonight.”
Akaashi took a step back, though regretted it once he saw the hurt that flashed over Bokuto’s face. “I’m fine,” he tried to assure, swallowing hard. “I’m rather tired, though. I’m going to change.”
He left without waiting for an answer and avoided looking at Bokuto’s face. He knew that if he looked him in the eye, he would be forced to talk about it, which would result in him snapping and saying something he didn’t mean.
He took his time, avoiding looking at himself in the mirror as he changed his clothes and washed his face. When he returned to the living room, Bokuto was seated on the couch. His knee bounced rapidly and his phone was clutched tightly in his one hand. Akaashi walked past him into the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea.
He immediately felt bad for being so cold to Bokuto when he was simply going through his own issues. He padded back into the living room with the intention of asking Bokuto if he’d like a cup as a way of apology but was instead met with a hard gaze.
“Do you know a Nakamo Soshi?”
Akaashi froze in the middle of the room and fought to keep his expression neutral. “No.”
Bokuto’s eyes narrowed the slightest bit at the lie. He waved his phone lightly. “That’s funny. Got a text from Omi saying he saw you. He wasn’t the one talking to you tonight?”
“I…” Dammit. He had forgotten that Sakusa didn’t particularly like crowds either and was most likely lurking in his own corner of the room. Akaashi should have just gone to stand with him instead. “Yes. He was.”
Bokuto sucked on the inside of his cheek and he nodded. “So, we’re lying to each other, now?”
Akaashi inhaled sharply, taken aback by the hard tone. It wasn’t really a lie he told, it was a little fib. Not the end of the world.
“Talking to journalists is dangerous at things like these, you know.”
Journalist? Akaashi hadn’t spoken to any journalists tonight. Unless… “He told me he was with the club…” he said slowly as an explanation.
Bokuto closed his eyes and Akaashi could nearly feel his disappointment from across the room. “He isn’t. Never met him.”
Well, now he just felt like an idiot. He should have realized that when Bokuto didn’t recognize him but in his defense, he had been a little preoccupied.
“What did he say to you?”
Thinking back on it, he realized that, when Bokuto asked the question, his tone was probably more protective than it was accusatory. As it stood, Akaashi couldn’t help but feel like it was a hidden reprimand for speaking to someone at the gathering.
“When were you going to tell me about the articles?” he asked instead. Bokuto had to have seen them; he was constantly scrolling through social media and meeting with fans. He had to know about them.
Bokuto's eyes widened and Akaashi knew he was aware of exactly what he was talking about. “I wasn’t. Because I knew you’d take it like this.”
Akaashi huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Like what, Bokuto?”
“Like this!” he gestured vaguely to where Akaashi was standing. “There was never even supposed to be any articles!”
“Well, there are.” Akaashi snapped. “You can’t change that. And now everyone sees me as a selfish, disappointing asshole who is single handedly sabotaging your career and happiness.”
It wasn’t like him to be so insecure; Akaashi had always seen how that affected Bokuto and he took active steps to work on any feelings of inadequacy that he himself might come across. But he couldn’t help it now; his inability to understand that being a professional athlete was a more arduous lifestyle than he initially thought was biting him in the ass.
Bokuto looked shocked, apparently not used to Akaashi talking about himself so negatively. “What are you talking about?”
“If you know what articles I’m talking about, then I’m sure you don’t need to ask,” he seethed, becoming more angry the longer he had to think about this. “I’m fully aware of the things people have been saying about me and our relationship.”
Bokuto stood up from the couch and stared at him, his eyes flashing with something like anger or irritation. “What? People have been saying things about you?”
It took all of whatever control he had left not to scream at him. “Yes, but it sounds like you have, as well,” he snapped. “Nakano said--”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, ‘Kaashi. Are you serious?” Bokuto matched his irritation. “You’re gonna listen to that guy, who harassed you all night, over me?”
“I would appreciate it if you’d keep out private arguments to yourself instead of alerting the whole team to any problems we’ve had.” Akaashi was a fairly private person and the idea of the entire volleyball community knowing about their relationship problems made him very uncomfortable.
“I haven’t told anybody anything!” Bokuto retorted as he tossed his phone onto the side table. “Do you really think I would do that?”
“There are pictures of us everywhere,” Akaashi huffed, “of personal moments--”
Bokuto scoffed. “I’m famous, Akaashi. I don’t know what to tell you. People are going to take pictures of me.”
“Oh, yes,” he replied scathingly. “How could I forget you’re a fucking celebrity now, a professional athlete on a volleyball team, a sport nobody watches unless it’s the Olympics.” That was a bit of a low blow -- it wasn’t Bokuto’s fault the sport wasn’t incredibly popular and Akaashi knew they sometimes struggled with funding because of that. He barrelled on, ignoring Bokuto’s offended expression. “But it’s not about the stupid pictures. Nakano-san knew we were having issues. Everyone who reads those articles think that this is a bad idea, that we’re a bad idea--”
Bokuto interrupted him with a snort. “Okay, right, so, let’s believe some random people on the internet and some dumbass journalist over your own fucking boyfriend.” Bokuto narrowed his eyes. “I thought you were fucking smart, Akaashi.”
His hands clenched into fists. “Just because they’re random people doesn’t mean they aren’t able to make some valid points.”
“Valid? About something they know nothing about?” Bokuto quirked a brow and looked at him incredulously, like Akaashi had just made the most asinine suggestion in the world. “They’re all just vultures, ‘Kaashi. You know this. You would never let some random online opinion affect the way you edit manga so why is this such a big deal?”
“These are the people who support you,” he snapped, “much more than I do. You shouldn’t talk about them so negatively.” The comments continued to pass behind his eyes. Maybe Bokuto should DM one of the accounts that vowed to be a better partner than Akaashi was.
“These are random people on the internet,” Bokuto exploded as he threw his hands up in the air, pausing after each word like Akaashi was having trouble hearing. “Why are you so upset about these useless comments?”
“You’re not listening, Bokuto!” His yell stopped any argument Bokuto was ready to throw forward, giving Akaashi a chance to continue. “They’re right. And I can’t…” He sighed heavily, lifting up his glasses to rub at the bridge of his nose. “I don’t think we should do this anymore. We can’t… I can’t… Maybe it’s better if we just…”
“What?” Bokuto snapped as he took a step towards him. Akaashi was unsure if he meant to come across as intimidating but he did. “Better if we what?”
“Better if we break up.” The words escaped him in a strangled whisper, like his throat was doing everything in its power to stop him from saying it.
Bokuto’s back straightened and his mouth dropped open, clearly not expecting that. It was so silent in the room you could hear a pin drop. Akaashi had to look away from the expression on Bokuto’s face; he looked like Akaashi had slapped him.
“You want to break up?”
“I don’t want to,” Akaashi protested, huffing out a frustrated sigh. “I just think it would be better.”
“For who?”
“For you!” Akaashi snapped. “All I’m doing is standing in your way and making your life ten times more difficult with my complaining and my selfishness.”
“Akaashi. That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said in your life.” Bokuto sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair, combing out half the gel he spent hours putting into it earlier this evening. “You’re being totally ridiculous. Like, I don’t even know what you want me to say to that.”
He stiffened at the insult. He was simply trying to do what was best to help Bokuto be as successful as he could and ensure he didn’t do anything to fuck it up. “Well, if that’s how you feel,” he snapped, narrowing his eyes before turning away, “then you should have no problem breaking up.”
“By that logic, then yeah, I guess I don’t.”
Despite it being his idea, a sharp lump formed in Akaashi’s throat and he swallowed painfully. Never in his life did he think he would hear Bokuto say something like that.
He turned on his heel and stalked back into the kitchen, ignoring Bokuto’s yell of “Come on, ‘Kaashi, don’t be like that!” He ignored him and busied himself with taking the whistling kettle off the stove. He was no longer interested in having a cup of tea and ended up pouring the boiling water down the sink.
So that was it. Years of pining and love thrown down the drain along with his tea.
As he dried the kettle and put it away, he found his mind wandering to where he could stay for the night. He didn’t feel all that comfortable sleeping in the same apartment as Bokuto when they were so angry with each other and no longer a couple.
Every option he came up with was someone that had a connection to Bokuto. Kuroo and Kenma’s place was out of the question; Akaashi was not dealing with explaining their argument to Kuroo, which he was undoubtedly ask about. Osamu would text Atsumu about it and Akaashi didn’t need anyone else from MSBY to know their business from a third party. He supposed he could reach out to Konoha but even then, he would probably ask him questions about what was going on with Bokuto…
Ugh. Looks like he’d have to turn to his parents. They never asked too many questions about Bokuto… which was a separate problem but maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about it soon.
When he made his way into the bedroom, Bokuto was in the bathroom, showering. He could hear the rush of the water and pulled out a travel bag, hoping he could pack a few things up and leave before Bokuto finished.
He could come by tomorrow when Bokuto was at practice and grab more of his things. For now, all he really needed was a new outfit, his laptop, and maybe a couple of his notebooks for work . He already knew he’d throw himself into his work tomorrow to keep his mind off his disaster of a life.
Where the hell was his notebook, anyway? Maybe he left it back in the kitchen. He trudged back out of the room and headed towards the small table they managed to squeeze into their kitchen. Akaashi spotted the black notebook easily but his eyes were drawn to the corkboard hanging on the wall above it.
He looked over the multiple papers they’d pinned there. On the calendar, Kuroo’s birthday was circled three times in red because Bokuto insisted he didn’t want to forget it. There were notes tacked on, reminding Bokuto to take his medication and that Akaashi had left him dinner in the fridge, or letting Akaashi know that Bokuto would be home late and not to wait up for him. There was a scrap of newspaper from the one single time Bokuto had managed to beat Akaashi in their Saturday morning Sudoku game.
He smiled sadly, tracing his fingers over the messy scrawl of numbers. Truthfully, he hadn’t been very concentrated on filling out the boxes, his attention instead drawn to the way Bokuto’s giant frame was hunched over the table and muttering intently to himself about the puzzle. Akaashi hadn’t been able to tear his eyes away. Losing was worth it.
He nearly pulled off the game and took it with him but ultimately decided not to. It would be fairly pathetic if he fell asleep tonight crying into an old page from a newspaper. He scooped up his notebook and headed back to their room
When he arrived, he froze in the doorway. A dripping wet Bokuto, one towel tied loosely around his waist and another in his hand as he dried his hair, was staring down at his bag on the bed. His eyes were wide as he glanced between Akaashi and the full travel bag sitting on the bed. “What the hell are you doing?”
Akaashi raised an eyebrow. He brushed past him, stuffed the notebook in, and threw the bag over his shoulder. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to share a bed as exes.”
“Exes?!” Bokuto repeated in a tone that could only be described as a screech. “Wait, you were serious about that?!”
Irritation flared and he narrowed his eyes. “Why the fuck would I joke about something like this?” he spit out as he pushed past Bokuto and out of the room.
“Dammit, Akaashi, wait!”
Akaashi ignored him and stalked towards the door. The longer he stayed here, the harder it was going to be to leave.
“Keiji, please, wait!”
Dammit. He was so close. He paused as his hand hovered over the doorknob and turned around once he heard the pounding footsteps come to a stop behind him. He was faced with a Bokuto who was still shirtless and who’s hair was still dripping wet but he had replaced his towel with a pair of sweatpants.
“Don’t go.” He immediately started pleading in pure Bokuto fashion: jumping right in without any preamble. “Please, don’t go. We can figure this out.”
“I’ve already figured it out.” He’d had a lot of time to think about this, actually, had been ruminating over it for weeks and then even more after their fight.
“Yeah but you figured it out without me,” Bokuto protested with wide, sad eyes. “I thought we were supposed to be a team.”
It was a cruel point to bring up. Akaashi bit his lip and looked away towards the door. Maybe he’d feel less guilty if he just left.
“Can you please just talk to me first,” Bokuto pleaded, like he could sense Akaashi was a second away from leaving. “I can’t-- I don’t want you to go.”
He pressed his teeth harder into his lip, enough that he nearly broke the skin. “Bokuto--”
“I’m ready to beg you, Keiji.” Bokuto took a step forward and his hands twitched but he still stood a couple paces away. “I’ll do it, don’t think I won’t. Please, don’t go.”
“I don’t want to,” he admitted softly because the pain on Bokuto’s face and the pain in his heart was too much to lie about. “But I can’t see a solution. I can’t ask you to be anything less than yourself but I just…” he sighed. “I don’t want to do this anymore, Bokuto. I can’t go on feeling this sad.”
Bokuto looked like he was on the verge of tears, always easily upset whenever Akaashi was upset. “Are you really that unhappy?”
Akaashi’s hands rose and he twisted his fingers together in front of him. Bokuto was always someone who made him feel better, who he could count on, who was at his side no matter what. Recently, he hadn’t felt that. He’d felt like an afterthought, someone who just took up space and made everything difficult. “Yes.”
It wasn’t until he said the word that he truly realized just how unhappy he’d been these past few months. He did his best to push it away and pretend nothing bothered him because he didn’t want Bokuto to worry, but apparently it had only built up inside him.
The tears in his eyes welled up fast and he looked away to try and hide them. He could hear Bokuto’s breath catch, so he assumed that he didn’t succeed. Just as well. He swiped his fingers under his eyes to try and stem the flow. It was useless.
When Bokuto spoke, he was quieter than Akaashi had ever heard him. “You love me, though, right, Keiji?”
Despite everything he had said, his heart broke at the question, upset that Bokuto felt the need to even ask. His hand clenched on the door handle. “You know that I do.”
He nodded, his chest heaving a relieved sigh and Akaashi almost went to him, to try and assure him that of course he did. “Why do you love me?”
It was the easiest and most complicated question in the world. “Bokuto, we don’t have time for me to go through that.”
“Just indulge me, please. For a second.”
He was staring at him so earnestly that Akaashi couldn't find it in him to walk away. If it were anyone else, it would simply be a beg for a compliment but from Bokuto, he knew it was more than that. He knew there was a reason he was asking. He noticed the way that Bokuto relaxed a little more when his hand fell away from the handle.
“You have an inexplicable way of bringing joy to the world. Anyone who meets you instantly falls in love with you; I was just the lucky person you chose. You’re strong and talented and can do absolutely anything you put your mind to.” His voice was starting to wobble but he continued on.
“You work so hard and put everything before yourself. You leave a piece of your heart on the court every time you step onto it but…” He inhaled a shaky breath. “Recently it’s felt like when you leave a piece of yourself on the court, you’re taking a piece away from me. I know I’m probably being selfish but it hurts to feel like I’m losing you to something else you love.”
He was still crying but there was no point in brushing the tears away anymore. There was nothing he could do to stop them and Bokuto had already seen it.
“There is not a single thing I don’t love about you, Kou,” he sniffed, “from the way you laugh, to the way you hold me, to the way you look for the best in every situation, to the way you’ve grown throughout every challenge you’ve had to face.” He looked down, not strong enough to see what kind of expression was on Bokuto’s face. “Does that answer your question?”
There was so much more he wanted to say but in his frazzled state of mind he couldn't find the words. Love in general was beyond explanation, beyond comprehension for the limitations of human language, but he tried.
“What the fuck did that asshole say to you?”
The aggression in the question drew his attention back up and he was startled to see such an angry expression on Bokuto’s face. “He-- nothing that wasn’t true. I just want you to have everything. Everything you want, everything that makes you happy.”
Bokuto exhaled heavily. “I know you’re angry with me right now but can I please hold you? I feel like I’m going to die over here.”
Akaashi opened his mouth to argue and insist he wasn’t angry with Bokuto and, once he realized that, any notion of leaving completely left his mind. His bag hit the floor and he walked the few steps in front of him to reach Bokuto, who pulled him into a hug as soon as he was close enough.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled once he finally got his bearings and hugged Bokuto back as he cried into his neck. “I don’t mean to be difficult or frustrating but I just want the world for you and I’m realizing that I can’t give that to you and you’d be better off without me--”
He cut himself off with a low “oof” as Bokuto’s arms tightened around him, squeezing the air out of his chest.
“Keiji, you’re talking crazy,” he mumbled into his shoulder. “I have everything I’ve ever wanted right here.”
It hurt to swallow and Akaashi shook his head against Bokuto’s neck. “You don’t have to say that. I’m not saying I have to be the most important thing in your life--”
“But you are!” Bokuto protested sharply, and he pushed Akaashi away from him so he could look him in the eye. He unwound his arms from around him so that he could cup Akaashi’s face in his hands. “They want me to travel the world but they don’t understand. I have my entire world with me every day. With you.”
God but he was a sobbing mess. After months of feeling ignored and lonely, to hear Bokuto say something like that and with such conviction in his voice...he could barely handle it.
“Did you know that I love you?” Akaashi whispered, giving him the best smile he could with tears still running down his face.
The smile Bokuto returned with was brighter. “I might’ve heard that,” he teased before wrapping him in another hug.
“I’m sorry,” Akaashi apologized again because he couldn't think of anything else to do, starting to feel guilty that he had all but yelled at Bokuto and was now looking for so much comfort from him. “I don’t mean to rely on you so much but—”
“Oh, god, don’t apologize for that!” Bokuto shook his head vehemently. “I want you to rely on me! It’s my sole purpose for existing, to be there for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been doing a very good job of it recently.”
Akaashi wanted to kiss him. “No, Kou,” he looked at him to ensure Bokuto could see how serious he was being. “This is on me. I know it’s not your fault.”
“I could still be better. And I want to be better for you.” Bokuto gave him a sad smile as he swiped at more of his tears. “You know I hate it when you cry.”
“I’m usually better at keeping it together,” Akaashi replied, catching Bokuto’s hand in his own. “I’m a little embarrassed at just how much I’ve broken down.”
Bokuto smiled at him. “Don’t be. I was crying in the shower.”
He couldn’t stop the laugh from bubbling out of his mouth as he patted Bokuto’s still bare shoulders gently. “But I could be better, too. I’ll try to tell you the next time I’m feeling like this.”
Bokuto smiled and pressed a kiss on his nose. “That’s good to hear, ‘Kaashi, but my plan is to make sure I don’t make you feel like that again.”
It wasn’t Bokuto’s fault -- a lot of this stemmed from Akaashi’s newly found insecurity -- but he simply wrapped his arms around him again and buried his face back in his neck.
Bokuto ran one hand down his back, rubbing soothingly as he held him close, closer than Akaashi could remember being for a long time. It almost made him want to cry again because he had missed it more than even he realized. He held back, figuring there had been enough drama for tonight.
“Were you really gonna break up with me?” Bokuto mumbled into his ear before pulling away from him to bend down and pick up Akaashi’s bag. He rummaged through it briefly and frowned when he actually found it full.
“I thought it would be better,” Akaashi admitted as he let Bokuto pull him back into the apartment, feeling the way Bokuto’s hand tightened in his when he confirmed that yes, he had been ready to break up.
He remained quiet as Bokuto threw his bag into the corner of their living room, deciding not to berate him for being so messy. “I’d be a disaster without you, Keiji,” he replied as he turned back to look at him. “I’m not strong enough to go on without you.”
“Yes, you are,” he protested even as his heart swelled in his chest and something warm settled in his stomach. “You are the strongest person I know.”
Bokuto perked up easily. “If you really believe that, then let me be strong enough to handle this, what people say and report doesn’t matter to me.” He paused. “Unless they’re writing something bad about you. Then I’m gonna get involved.”
Akaashi shook his head; leave it to Bokuto to be so unconcerned about himself. “I’m sure you will.”
Bokuto pulled him towards their bedroom but stopped short, his face twisting into an upset expression.
“What is it?” Akaashi asked, trying to keep the wariness out of his voice.
“Um…” Bokuto rubbed at the back of his neck. “Well… coach asked me if I could review our last game before practice tomorrow…”
He knew why he was so hesitant to explain, thinking that Akaashi was going to get upset because Bokuto was choosing volleyball over him again.
Akaashi nodded. He couldn’t blame him for thinking that way but he longer felt like he was being pushed to the side. “Can I watch it with you?”
It must have been a while since he last asked that because Bokuto’s eyes completely lit up and nodded enthusiastically before hauling him over to the couch. Akaashi curled up on the end and swung his legs over Bokuto’s lap.
“I’m glad you waited,” Bokuto mumbled as he ran his hands over his knees as he turned on the television and started the game. “I really didn’t wanna run after you in a towel.”
“That would have been funny,” Akaashi admitted, unable to stop his laughter at that particular mental image. “Your dedication is admirable, Koutarou.”
“I think it’s a good hallmark of being a good boyfriend,” Bokuto responded with a grin. “If you’d be willing to run naked through the streets for your partner, that must mean you love each other.”
Akaashi raised an eyebrow. “I feel like there are other hallmarks you could use before this one,” he replied before gesturing to the screen. “Aren’t you supposed to be watching this?”
Bokuto jumped lightly before turning his attention back to the screen. “Oh! Right.”
Akaashi shook his head as they settled back into silence, only offering the occasional comment about Bokuto’s play. About halfway through the game, a spectator near the sidelines caught Akaashi’s attention. He squinted lightly to try and see better before he recognized the journalist as Nakano.
He felt a tiny flare of irritation once he recognized him but that was it. If he or another journalist spoke to Akaashi again, he would be sure to bring it up with Bokuto before he let it upset him so much.
He wondered if Bokuto had noticed Nakano, as well, because he turned to look at him and asked “Hey Keiji? Now will you tell me what that Nakano guy said to you?”
Akaashi laughed and reached forward to settle a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” he mumbled softly as he fiddled with a damp end of Bokuto’s hair. “I know he was wrong.”
BREAKING: Professional volleyball player, Bokuto Koutarou, suspended three games for allegedly attacking journalist Nakano Soshi from Monthly Volleyball Magazine. He was quoted saying he would be “enjoying his well-deserved time off with his perfect, beautiful boyfriend” as he rests and relaxes before the upcoming season.