Work Text:
March 6th 2022
The sun illuminates the bedroom. The rays kiss Kun’s skin and face, feeling particularly warm that day. He smiles. He loves waking up this way, lying on his back, the love of his life sleeping peacefully next to him.
He blinks himself awake, looking at the ceiling as he feels familiar movement on the mattress. Lulu loves to greet him in the mornings, get some of the pets that she missed out on while they were asleep. She moves with slow steps from where she sleeps at the foot of the bed, to where she likes to lie down between him and Johnny. The perfect position for them both to give her the attention she desires.
Kun gives her a hug, he scratches behind her ears for a few minutes until she’s satisfied. She puts her head on his arm and closes her eyes. It’s the best place for a morning nap in her books — another thing she likes to do as she waits for Johnny to wake up. Kun is always the first to wake up.
As carefully as he can, without making any commotion or disturbing Lulu, Kun turns his body towards Johnny. Johnny has his back turned towards him, breathing steadily. The sight makes Kun incredibly happy, giddy almost.
After such a long time, Johnny still has the same effect on him as the day he met him. Exciting him, making his heart flutter. Johnny has a way of making him feel warm inside by just existing. Johnny’s caring, and loving, and he managed to do what everyone in Kun’s life had deemed impossible. He took down the walls Kun had built as a kid, and managed to get inside. He did it with ease. He didn’t take any of his bullshit either, and cemented himself in Kun’s life.
Now Kun can’t imagine a life without him.
He reaches out carefully. He runs a finger down Johnny’s spine. He’s soft with his touch as he doesn’t want to wake him up. It doesn’t work as he wants it to, maybe it’s because his touch is too light. It sends shivers down Johnny’s spine, Kun can see the reaction on the skin on his back, goosebumps rolling over.
Johnny hums at the sensation, and at the sound Lulu perks up her head, expecting him to turn around and pet her too.
”Good morning baby,” Johnny says softly. He’s careful when he turns around too, by now he’s used to having Lulu in between them. When Kun sees him he has a smile on his face. He can’t resist but smile back at him.
Lulu shimmies with excitement when she sees Johnny’s open eyes, and even more so as she realizes that he’s about to pet her and show her affection.
“Good morning, love,” Kun says, “Sorry I woke you up.”
“It’s alright. I know you can’t keep your hands off me,” Johnny jokes. Kun watches as Lulu leans into Johnny’s touch, not wanting the contact to break. The same way Kun did the night before.
“Shut up,” he responds, seconding it with a giggle, “You’re corny.”
Johnny’s smile widens.
“You love it.”
“I love you.”
July 24th 2020
“This is Lulu, she’s approximately one year old,” the lady says as she guides him and Johnny towards the last of the kennels in the shelter, “She was found on the highway a few months back, she was malnourished, but we got her back on her feet. She’s really loving. Very friendly, and really good with kids.”
Kun looks down at the dog, feeling Johnny’s hand tighten around his. Lulu is a mixed breed with soft features and incredibly kind eyes. She looks up at him and produces a high-pitched whine. She lifts herself up on her back feet, putting her front paws on the fence of the kennel door.
With his hand still in Johnny’s, Kun kneels down in front of her, and puts his free one in front of her snout.
“Hi Lulu. It’s nice to meet you,” he coos at her. She sniffs him and starts wagging her tail.
They’ve been talking about getting a dog since they moved in together some two years ago. They kept putting it off until they were settled in their apartment, then they were finding jobs, buying a house, getting married. But now all of that is settled and they can finally do this one thing they’ve wanted for so long.
It’s their first trip to an animal shelter, and it’s like destiny. The right moment finally arrived, and it seems like it was meant to be.
Kun falls in love with her the moment she touches his fingers with her nose and starts wagging her tail with even more excitement. None of the dogs they saw in the shelter had the reaction to their presence the way Lulu does.
Kun stands up again, looks at Johnny who’s waiting for the moment with a smile on his face. He doesn’t even need to say anything, Johnny knows exactly what he wants to tell him.
“Yeah, I think she’s the one too,” Johnny agrees.
September 7th 2015
He’s minding his own business when they speak for the first time. He’s in the library, getting started on his first paper for the semester.
It's the time of year when it's just starting to get colder and the air starts smelling crisp in the mornings. Kun loves the smell. It reminds him of first days at school and changes.
The biggest change in his life happens in September too.
“Hey.”
Kun hears a whisper from behind him. He turns around to see someone he’s never spoken to. He’s seen him around campus, it’s kind of difficult to miss him — tall and gorgeous, and charismatic. He knows about him. Johnny the DJ at the university radio that plays pretty decent music, he’d seen his face on the flyers that advertise the station.
He never thought he’d talk to him, as they don’t run in the same circles. Not even similar ones, if he’s honest.
“Hi,” he replies.
Johnny smiles at him.
“Do you have a pen I could borrow?” he asks, still whispering.
It’s simple, but it takes Kun by surprise.
“What?”
“A pen. I’ll give it back,” Johnny tells him, “And I’ll take you out for coffee as thanks.”
Kun hides his embarrassment with a smile, hoping there's not too much blush on his cheeks as a reaction to the Johnny Suh talking to him. He quickly grabs a pen from his bag and hands it to him.
“Here," he says, "And you don’t have to buy me coffee, it’s just a pen.”
Johnny purses his lips for a moment. His eyes explore Kun's face, lingering at his eyes and lips. Then he smiles again and asks, “What if I still want to take you out for coffee?”
It takes Kun a moment to process the question. Johnny Suh wants to go out with him. The person everyone on campus talks about is interested in him.
Unbelievable. He doesn't need another to think of an answer.
“I’d love to get coffee with you.”
December 19th 2015
He's taken aback by the sight when he opens the door. Johnny looks tired, he's fidgety. It takes him a moment before he speaks.
“We need to talk," he says. His tone of voice and facial expression are too serious. It worries Kun.
He lets Johnny into the apartment, feeling a tightening in his chest as he doesn’t know what follows. There is something that comes to his mind, but he has no idea what could justify it. Why would they break up though, they don’t have a reason to. The thought still pokes at him, and he has to ask.
“Are we breaking up now?”
“I hope not,” Johnny answers, which further confuses him. What’s going on, then? Kun cannot think of anything that would make sense to him. Nothing makes sense at that moment.
He takes a seat on the couch next to Johnny who immediately reaches out for his hand. The gesture scares Kun even more. It's intimate, and doesn't suit the tone of voice or his behavior.
"What's going on?"
"I applied for a student exchange program months ago. I found out yesterday that I was accepted."
It explains why he seems tired. It justifies the worries Kun is feeling.
"Where are you going? For how long?"
"Seoul. For a year."
A year is such a long time. So much changes in that time span.
Kun can't pretend that he handles the news well. The first reaction he has to them is fear. The worst things come to mind.
He's had relationships before, and one of them was the worst kinds of relationships. He has a vague idea of how things go. He's done long distance — he was doing long distance as he was starting university. It wasn't a good relationship and the long distance didn't work. As much as Kun tried to make it work, his boyfriend didn't. And then he broke things off with Kun, despite everything Kun did.
Now he's dating Johnny, and everything is different and so much better than any of the relationships Kun's had before. But he's still afraid that long-distance won't work with him either because everything will change.
And Seoul is just so far away.
"When are you leaving?" he asks. He knows that Johnny wouldn't have said anything if he decided not to go. And Kun doesn't want him to miss out on such a wonderful opportunity. Johnny deserves to see the country where his family comes from, he deserves to meet new people and have the experiences. He can't ask him to stay. He can't be selfish.
"At the end of February," Johnny says. He tightens his hand around Kun's and he looks at his face, expecting. Kun has no idea what to say, or what to do. Johnny waits for him for a few more moments. "I don't want us to break up. I love you. We'll make it work, I promise."
The promise makes Kun realize that Johnny has no idea what he's getting into. He has no idea what he's talking about.
But he doesn't have the heart to tell him that. And he doesn't want to lose him without trying to work it out.
"We'll make it work," Kun repeats Johnny's words, even though he has a feeling that the opposite will be true.
August 15th 2018
They had talked about it many times over the years. They know they're on the same page, Kun knows it's either going to happen, or his own plans to do it that are set in place will be completed.
But he doesn't expect it to happen when it does. Johnny manages to surprise him once again.
It's a regular day. Nothing tips Kun off that Johnny is up to something. They're just sitting at the dining room table, making dumplings, something they've done many times in the past. They have the radio playing in the background, soft 80's pop keeping them company while they work.
“I love you so much,” Johnny says out of nowhere. Kun turns to look at him, his attention quickly fixating on the dumpling in Johnny’s hands, on how he’s placing the filling in the middle before he passes it to him to fold. That’s their process.
“I love you too.”
The words are a reflex nowadays. There’s no reason for him to think about it, there hasn’t been for years. His love for Johnny is the most concrete thing in Kun’s life.
Johnny smiles softly at him.
Kun accepts the dumpling Johnny passes him, he dips his finger in the little bowl of water he has prepared and runs it on the edges of the wrapper. He starts to fold it closed, making the crinkles as equal as he can. He places it in the steamer, carefully arranging it next to the ones they already made.
By the time he’s done with it, he turns back towards Johnny, who’s ready with the next dumpling. Only this one isn’t just a wrapper with a dollop of filling in the center. There’s also a ring propped up on it. It’s so freaking cheesy.
Kun's overwhelmed with emotion, unable to untangle them in the moment. All the ups and downs of the last two years are ultimately overshadowed by the love they feel for each other.
Love and happiness is what Kun deciphers.
Kun loves him so much. He loves the way the proposal came too. It's so messy but it's also spontaneous and intimate. It's them.
“I guess I should formally ask now," Johnny says. He clears his throat before he does, but Kun interrupts him.
“You don’t have to,” he says, ready to give his answer. He doesn’t have to think about it at all. “I will marry you.”
September 7th 2016
Even though he knows that he did what at the time felt like the best thing for them both, Kun cannot help but miss Johnny. Now more than ever.
He's sitting in a bar with all of his friends, a get-together they've been planning for weeks. Everyone brought a date, someone they're involved with in one way or another. Even Ten brought someone, despite swearing to never date and always calling it a waste of time. All of them look happy, comfortable with the person next to them.
He used to feel that way too, which is why he's now wondering if he made the right choice. Missing Johnny is hitting him the hardest tonight. It is not just a thought anymore, it's a physical manifestation. He feels a knot tied in his stomach, tightening as the minutes pass. He needs to do something to make that sensation go away.
Part of why he's missing Johnny so much that the knot refuses to disappear is that Kun didn't bring a date. He didn't think to do it. He hasn't thought about dating or about other people as romantic partners, despite the break up. He hasn't seen anyone that sparked his interest. And he can't see himself moving on anytime soon.
Thinking about Johnny is something Kun usually handles pretty well. What's different this time is that he's thinking about him while surrounded by couples, and not in the privacy of his own room, hiding under a duvet. Tonight it gets overwhelming. He needs to take a moment to himself.
The bar is crowded and it feels suffocating. He needs to get out of here. He doesn't feel like he could stay.
He excuses himself, promising that he's okay when Sicheng asks him. He tells his friends to enjoy the night and have a safe trip home and he leaves. Taking the long way home, Kun does his best to calm his emotions. Walks usually help. Tonight not so much. Tonight it turns out to be counterproductive as the long way takes him right past the park where Johnny first told him he loves him.
It's been a few months now that he and Johnny have been broken up, but it still feels new. A raw wound that he'd rather ignore and let heal by itself because he knows that nothing works in aiding the recovery.
He stills when he realizes where his feet have brought him, staring at the exact park bench where he and Johnny shared a kiss that felt so different compared to all their previous ones. He can't move and go home, not in the state that he's in. Maybe swinging by the area was fate playing a trick on him.
He walks to the bench and takes a seat, running his fingers over the lacquered wood as if it'll somehow bring him back to that moment. He takes in the atmosphere, strangely reminiscent of that night. A few minutes of the white noise of the city interlaced with the hum of the tree leaves in the wind.
It’s a year since they met, he only remembers it now. He wonders if they’d still be together if Johnny was still home. Would they be celebrating tonight?
Johnny wouldn't want him to feel the way he does. The thought pops into his head, a reminder of what he told him when they broke up.
The memories are the only thing that help center him and calm him down — a reminder of what they had, the love he got to feel for the first time.
He hopes he and Johnny will get to make memories some time in the future. He hopes he'll get to love Johnny again, the way Johnny deserves to be loved.
April 3rd 2021
Things in the house are messy. Despite a cleaning schedule that they've been pretty good about keeping, some disorganization has been brought over from the small and hectic apartment downtown to their dream house in the suburbs.
They have been busy, Kun starting a new job, Johnny getting promoted. But that's not really a reason for them to have a mess. With some holidays around the corner, Kun suggests a weekend of spring cleaning. Johnny gives him a pout, then agrees a few moments later, giving into what Kun wants as he usually does. All Kun needs to do is pull some puppy eyes and tilt his head. It's worked since day one.
With a plan of attack made and tacked onto the fridge with a magnet, they tackle spring cleaning one room at a time. They start off with the cleanest rooms — their bedroom and the living room, and they work their way towards the messiest one. The guest room is a nightmare to clean up since they have been using it as storage since the move. It's overflowing with boxes and bags that they still need to go through. In the apartment it was even more hectic, but Kun no longer worries about storage since they moved to the house. They have space for everything here.
It's an interesting experience, it's fun. They make it an event — they order food and put a podcast on. It turns into quality time for them to share, not just cleaning time.
Piece by piece they work through the mess. Kun recognizes most of the boxes, being too familiar with his own bad decisions of the past hidden behind the cardboard. But he inevitably stumbles onto a box he doesn't recognize. A wooden box that's locked and needs a tiny key to be opened. It's not heavy but it doesn't seem empty either, there's some noise when he shakes it.
He didn't know they owned such a box.
"Babe," he calls after Johnny, "I think this is one of yours."
Johnny is sitting on the floor nearby, going through a box of papers and getting rid of everything they no longer need. He turns towards Kun, his eyes widening when he sees what his husband's holding.
"Uh, yeah. It's mine."
Johnny reaches out and frees Kun's hands from it. It's not just the box that's suspicious, Johnny is too.
"What's in it?"
Johnny stills, unsure how to answer.
"It's letters," he ultimately says.
"Letters," Kun repeats with caution in his voice.
"Letters to you. I wrote them while I was in Seoul."
Kun's chest clenches at the reminder of their time apart. It's a year he wishes to forget as it's a time during which he wasn't himself. He was a sad and tired version of who he used to be that only felt longing for someone who was too far away.
"I see," he manages.
"I was going to give them to you when I returned. But things were different and they didn't suit our situation anymore," Johnny explains. He looks at Kun, trying to read him from the expression on his face. "If you want to read them…"
Kun shakes his head. "Not now."
Johnny accepts it.
"I'll keep them just in case. I'll put them in my office."
"If I ever wanna cry, I'll let you know."
Johnny gives him a smile.
"We can cry together."
January 1st 2020
Opening his eyes to an empty bed, the first emotion that Kun feels is disappointment. He hates waking up alone, more so on days like this one.
He runs his hand over the side of the bed Johnny usually occupies, surprised by how cold the spot is. He pouts at the ceiling and closes his eyes. This isn't what he expected to wake up to on his birthday.
He lounges on the bed for a few more minutes, talking himself into getting up. Waking up on his birthday is never easy as there's always a hangover attached to it. They stay up late, celebrating Kun's birthday till the early morning hours. They did that last night too, going a bit too hard that Kun's feeling tired despite sleeping in past noon.
Sleeping in on his birthday has become a bit of a tradition. It's a perk of being born on New Year's Day, it's always a day off for him and his loved ones.
As he pulls the covers off his body, he hears footsteps approaching the bedroom door. He immediately smiles, realizing that Johnny has something planned. That's the only reason why he'd get out of bed without Kun.
He covers himself back up and sits up, waiting for him. Johnny smiles at him as soon as he sees him, carefully walking into the room with a bed tray in his hands. Breakfast in bed for his birthday, a lovely surprise.
"Good morning baby," he coos. Kun's smile widens, a flurry of butterflies in his stomach. Moments like this one make him nervous, his feelings for Johnny catching him off guard even after being married for nine months now.
"Good morning."
"Happy birthday. Again," Johnny says, his voice soft and low. The sound causes shivers down Kun's spine while Johnny leans down, leaving a peck against his lips.
"Thank you. Again."
Kun's not looking at the tray of food that Johnny places in his lap. It might be a bit rude, but he can't tear his eyes off Johnny. He's so beautiful — his eyes shining, his pink lips stretched into a perfect smile. The corners of his lips catch Kun's attention, as they typically do. He has never figured out why.
"You should eat before it gets cold."
Kun doesn't move. He stares at his husband a bit more.
"I love you," he says, as he suddenly feels that he doesn't say it nearly enough. Johnny should know just how much, he'll do his best to show him. He should say it more.
"I love you too,” Johnny replies.
The realization strikes then — this is the happiest Kun’s felt on his birthday so far. And it's all thanks to the man he decided to spend the rest of his life with.
December 31st 2016
It's a few minutes past 9 in the morning on a Saturday and all Kun's trying to do is take advantage of the quiet and eat his toast in peace.
It's the weekend and it's New Year's Eve, so there isn't any construction happening across the street. His neighbors and their noisy kids are away for the extended weekend. This is his chance to take some time and enjoy himself, and the last one for the next few days.
His friends are coming in the afternoon to help set up for a small party tonight. He wanted to be alone for the holidays, to try to distress as all he's been doing in the last few months has been running on autopilot. But they wouldn't let him.
"We can't let you be sad on your birthday," Hendery had said, as if that justified their insistence to go against his wishes. Kun didn't say anything in response, too tired of fighting to start another one. Besides, he knows Sicheng, and Sicheng will make sure they all give him some space if he says he needs it.
His phone goes off as soon as he swallows the first sip of his coffee. He feels the caffeine enter his bloodstream and wills himself into checking his phone.
DON'T CALL OR ANSWER johnny 💔💔 sits on the caller ID, taking Kun aback. Johnny hasn't called him since they broke up.
He stares in disbelief. Johnny's the last person he expected to hear from.
When Johnny hangs up, he tries another way, texting Kun a plea for him to pick up. He gives it a few minutes before he calls again, minutes during which Kun paces around his living room and thinks of all possible scenarios as to why Johnny would be calling. Is he back yet? Is he coming back soon? Did something happen?
Why is he calling?
Kun realizes that the only way he'll get the answers to those questions is if he answers the call, so he hovers over his phone, waiting for it. His entire body tenses up when the ringtone goes off. He still needs a moment before he takes the phone and accepts the call.
There's silence for a bit, neither of them saying anything. He hears someone speaking in the background then, fast and sharp Korean syllables that he can't decipher. Johnny responds in Korean, Kun's chest tightening when he hears his voice.
Johnny clears his throat before he speaks, starting with a simple "Hey."
"Hi," Kun returns. A bit more silence follows.
"It's past midnight here. It's January first."
"Oh," Kun pauses. "Happy New Year."
"Happy birthday."
"Thank you."
No one says anything again for a handful of seconds, the silence carrying everything they want to say. Everything they missed out on in the last few months, words that in reality are impossible to say. They'll change everything.
"How's Chicago?" Johnny asks when he finally speaks up.
"Cold."
What Kun wants to say is lonely. Since he met Johnny how he views the city changed for him. Johnny gave him meaning, it stopped being just the city where he came to study and became home. It became where Kun wanted to stay. With Johnny. Johnny's gone and he feels empty.
Kun lost himself. He has been feeling sad since Johnny left, feeling like he lost his reason to stay in the city. Feeling like that has led to him making irrational decisions. Like breaking things off with Johnny. As hard as it was when they were doing long-distance, it's not as hard as it's now.
Ten was right, that continues to be true. Annoyingly so.
"It's cold here too. I'm sure it's colder there."
"It might be," Kun agrees. "How are your classes going?"
"Pretty well. The professors are amazing."
"I'm glad."
"How about you?"
"It's okay. I'm pulling through."
"I doubt that. You always ace your exams," Johnny says with a laugh.
Kun hasn't aced an exam since the semester started. He's been unable to focus properly on anything, including studying and writing essays. In the past he wasn't satisfied with anything beneath an A, now he's overjoyed at every B.
"Right."
Johnny pauses once more.
The conversation has been awkward from the start, but with every passing moment it feels worse, more tense. They've never talked this way. It's the time they've spent apart to blame.
Someone calls Johnny in the background, prompting him to say he has to go.
"Have fun tonight."
"Thank you. You too."
'I miss you' and 'I love you' sit on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't say them. He lets Johnny go again.
He's suddenly grateful that his friends insisted on coming over tonight and staying through tomorrow. He can use the distraction.
May 4th 2019
After months of planning, worrying and being on the brink of getting on a flight to Vegas to just get it done, the day has finally come. They're getting married.
His friends told him that he's supposed to be nervous on his big day. Kun has no idea why he would be feeling that way as he's never been as sure about something in his life.
Walking down the aisle hand in hand with Johnny, Kun doesn't have any doubt in his mind that it's what he wants to do. This is what he's supposed to do, he's supposed to promise his forever to the person he loves unconditionally.
He says I do with conviction, looking into Johnny's eyes because even though a marriage is more of a formal thing and the meaningful part is the relationship between them, with his vow he makes a promise of his little eternity.
It's not the first promise Kun's made to him. It's the first one he's made publicly. He means both and he'll make them both come true.
He'll do whatever it takes to make Johnny happy. He'll always have his back.
July 1st 2018
“You’re going to do amazing,” Johnny says. Kun doesn’t believe he will, considering how nervous he is. He really hopes Johnny is right. "They have no idea what's coming."
He's sitting on a bench in front of his new place of work, too nervous to go inside. He arrived twenty minutes early in fear of being late. To kill some time he called Johnny for one last pep talk before he goes in.
Just hearing Johnny's voice was enough to calm him down, putting his nerves under control. His words are an added confidence boost. Kun's becoming more and more ready to go inside with every passing moment.
"I hope you're right," he returns. He looks at the people heading towards the building, feeling time sneak up on him. He'll have to get up and join them in a few, and he can do it, he's sure of it.
They hired him and he's good at what he does. Why would anything bad happen?
"I know I'm right," Johnny says, prompting Kun to smile. "Remember what you told me on my first day?"
Johnny was just as nervous then as Kun is now, asking for the same thing Kun did minutes ago — just to hear his voice and talk about anything but working.
"I remember," Kun confirms.
"Well, whatever happens there doesn't matter because you're irreplaceable to me, and we'll figure everything out together. But I don't see a reason why it wouldn't work out cause you're amazing and smart and capable."
Yeah, that sounds pretty much like what Kun told him then. It warms Kun's heart that Johnny remembers it still, a year and four months later.
"I love you. Thank you."
"I love you too," Johnny responds. "Go kick their asses."
October 11th 2017
When he tells Johnny that he hasn't come out to his parents yet, Kun can see the disappointment in his eyes. He explains his reasons quickly, not wanting to focus on the nasty details of his childhood. Not wanting Johnny to think that it's because of what he wants. It was a choice made out of self-preservation, nothing else.
"I want to do it today," he then says. He feels like the time has come. He has Johnny by his side, and Johnny has a way of making him feel brave. "Come with me to dinner."
Johnny agrees, wrapping him in his arms. Somehow he understands, he reads right through him. It's an ability no one else in the world has.
When they arrive at the restaurant, he introduces Johnny as his friend, which technically isn't a lie. He waits for a better moment to tell his parents what he's been hiding since his teens, feeling his hand sweat around Johnny's. Johnny sits beside him and doesn't let go, giving his hand an occasional squeeze, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand. Calming him, being understanding. Being a blessing, as he's always been.
It's good that they're in public, he tells himself. The restaurant isn't quite busy and his parents hate causing scenes. It somehow makes the moment come faster. He imagined he'd have to wait until much later, until his parents got comfortable. They seem to be loosening up slowly, getting to know his friend. But he can't wait that long, he decides, it'll be too long until the moment comes. What is he even waiting for when he knows that they won't accept it?
Like a band-aid. He just goes for it, blurting out the words as soon as the waitress walks away with their orders jotted down on the pad.
He's thought about their reaction too many times. About what they'd say and how they'd say it, the harsh words he'd have to learn to live with.
He never would've guessed that they wouldn't say anything to him.
His father gets up and leaves. His mother follows him out. Their reaction seems too familiar, reminding him of what happened when he was in high school and his aunt came out to the family. Dismissal, disapproval. The entire family disowned her. It only makes sense that it'll happen to him too.
He's staring at the table, too ashamed to meet Johnny's eyes.
"Kunnie?" Johnny asks. Kun shakes his head. He can't. He needs a few minutes. "I'll be right back, okay."
"Okay," he whispers in response.
Johnny slips his hand away, and Kun's too afraid to look up. He can't believe he showed Johnny this side before he told him more about his upbringing. He must be confused.
Kun doesn't feel any relief. He knows what's going to happen next — his parents call relatives, cousins either reach out or block him on social media. He gets iced out by the people he grew up around. Just like his family did when his aunt came out to them.
The only consolation he receives is from knowing that no one yelled at him. There was no scene. He got off more easily than when he got a B on his math test in high school. More easily than he expected, for sure.
"We'll get the food and go for a ride after," Johnny tells him after he comes back, sitting down opposite of him so Kun has no choice but to face him. "Are you okay?"
He inspects every inch of Johnny's face, the worry leaving him in awe. It's the worst moment for him to realize it, but as his perspective changes so does his view on the relationship between him and Johnny. He realizes how much more serious it is as he sees that Johnny cares about him in a way no one in Kun's life ever has.
"Yeah. I am. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."
"It could've been worse, you're right."
"A part of me hoped they'd give me a chance to talk to them. But I don't think that's going to happen."
Johnny nods, then promises Kun the entire world.
"You have me, you'll always have me."
Always. It's such a heavy word.
Kun will always be grateful. He'll always hope that they'll get an always together.
July 4th 2016
“I thought you loved him,” Ten says.
“You’re not being helpful,” Sicheng responds to him.
Kun rolls his eyes at them both.
He knew that when he told his friends what happened between him and Johnny, the response wouldn't be the greatest. That’s why he tried to word it carefully, though there are only so many ways to say that he ended things with the person he's in love with. It's also why he chose to do it while out in public. It’s less possible for Ten to scold him if they’re in public. It's also less possible for Ten to scold him while he's in a good mood because it's his favorite holiday. The second campest holiday, as he likes to say.
He was waiting for the right moment too, counting down the minutes until they were near the park they walk by on the way back to Kun’s. But the moment presented itself in the market, while they were walking through the cereal aisle as a shortcut to the freezer section. On their way to get Sicheng ice cream they ended up next to the Cookie Crisp cereal that Johnny loves. Everything reminds him of Johnny now. He saw the boxes, panicked, and blurted it out.
“I did,” he says to answer Ten’s question. But the past tense doesn’t feel correct. It’s not true. “I do. I love him. But a year is too much for me. I’m already struggling with it and it’s just been a few weeks.”
“It won’t get easier from this point on,” Ten warns, “Because you love him. And now you don’t even have the minimal contact or the promise that he’ll get back to you. I feel like you’re self sabotaging.”
Kun's afraid to admit it, but Ten turns out to be right. Kun realizes it quickly after.
It’s easier for two weeks that are scheduled for a month after the break up. Exams are rolling in and all Kun does is study for weeks on end, but then he gets a break. He gets to explore parts of the city he hasn’t seen before and do things he hasn’t, and it feels okay while he does that.
Chicago loses the appeal quickly after that and missing Johnny becomes the status quo.
Kun starts thinking a lot about what Ten said, wondering if he’s done anything else to make himself unhappy. It becomes clear to him soon enough that he’s done quite a lot over the years and most of it is impossible to take back or fix.
He prays he'll be able to fix things with Johnny.
November 22nd 2015
The night they hold hands in public for the first time, Kun's emotions go berserk.
Their relationship isn't new. They've been together for two months, but most of it has been in apartments and libraries, the odd coffee date in between. Evenings spent on the couch, Kun's head resting on Johnny's chest as they watch a movie. Waking up face to face after a few hours of sleep, gulping hot coffee in a rush so they wouldn't be late to class.
Their feelings remain mostly between them. But it changes that night, when they meet each other's friends for the first time.
Johnny was the one that invited him to a party his friends are having. It was his idea and Kun was delighted to be invited out like that.
Johnny came to pick him up and walked with him all the way to the party, fingers in between Kun's. Johnny seems happy, he seems confident with his head held high. Some of the students they walk past recognize him, they take note of Kun. It feels surreal, it's like he's dating a celebrity. In a way he is — only when they're on campus.
Kun can feel his heartbeat in his throat from the moment Johnny rings him to let him know he's waiting outside. It beats faster when they start holding hands, and when classmates see them. It reaches a crescendo when they get to the party and Johnny starts introducing him to his friends.
"This is Kun, my boyfriend."
"And this is my boyfriend Kun."
"I'm Kun's boyfriend, nice to meet you."
"Does my boyfriend talk a lot about me?"
"Have you met my boyfriend Kun yet?"
Johnny's friends smirk at them, making Kun blush. It feels so natural, even though Kun's been someone's boyfriend before, he's never been introduced to someone as such. He's had relationships, but none of them open like this one. With how things were going, Kun didn't think they'd get to this point as quickly. But he finds himself enjoying Johnny's possessiveness. Thanks to it, they don't get to talk about what they are and what they want to become.
They haven't had the conversation, Kun was expecting them to do soon. But this is better. This is less nerve-wracking. It's a confirmation of what he already thought without the uncomfortable talking in circles until they get frustrated and straight out say it.
Johnny makes the right move by doing it this way.
June 29th 2016
The feeling of guilt settles into Kun's chest as soon as he hears Johnny's voice.
Johnny has no idea what follows. He calls as he usually does, asks the same questions as he usually does. He wants to know about Kun's day, to ask what their friends are up to and to just talk to Kun like they usually do. He wants Kun to be his boyfriend and give him some normalcy. He wants to be the best boyfriend he can be with how far from home he is.
And all the while he talks, Kun knows what he's about to do — he's about to betray his trust.
The lump that forms in his throat stops him from speaking for a moment. It gives him away.
"Baby? You're still here?" Johnny asks.
Kun gulps, a hand clasping his chest as a way to steady himself. But his voice still shakes when he replies.
"Yeah. Yes. Sorry."
His tone is enough for Johnny to realize something is wrong.
"Are you okay?" he asks, the worry in his voice making Kun feel guiltier.
What he's about to do is going behind his back. He acted like everything was fine until yesterday. Today he broke down, unable to do it anymore.
The distance is killing him. He feels empty without Johnny, like a part of him is missing.
He can't keep feeling that way. This is the only solution he figured out. It's the only way for him to stop feeling so horrible all the time.
"No. I'm not," Kun responds, his voice growing shakier as tears pool in his eyes.
"Talk to me."
So he does. He talks about how he's been feeling and breaks Johnny's heart.
A part of you can't be missing if that part isn't yours anymore.
Johnny tells him he's sorry and he hangs up.
Kun feels worse than he did before.
He never stops missing him.
January 9th 2018
The music softly playing in the background while Kun unpacks comes from a playlist that he and Johnny have been compiling for as long as they’ve been together. A mixture of 60s, 70s and 80s songs that they’re particularly fond of. Kun finds himself drawn to this playlist quite often. It’s their special thing, full of love and sentiment. It seems simple but to him it’s significant. It's a testament of everything they've been through.
Tonight he couldn’t fall asleep so he made his way downstairs, the feeling of excitement still bubbling inside him. He walked to the kitchen, feet touching cold, unfamiliar floor boards, the excitement growing. This is his and Johnny’s house, the first thing that’s completely, equally theirs.
There’s so much work to do to make it ready and completely livable. But they have a bedroom that’s good to go, a fully functioning bathroom and two chairs next to the kitchen island. They have everything they need for the next few weeks while everything else comes together.
The giddiness is great, but it’s too much for him to handle. He needs to do something with it. Unpacking the kitchen and organizing it a bit seemed like the only logical step.
He turned on the fancy under cabinet lights, ran a hand over the granite countertops and started imagining the space. Organizing the cabinets in his head. It all became so much more exciting then. They’re making a home and this is where they’ll get to make a family.
More excitement brews inside him as he undoes the flaps of his second box of utensils, setting them one piece at a time into the drawers on each side of the gas stove. It’s already starting to feel like home to him.
“I love this song,” he hears Johnny’s voice over Stevie Nicks’, startling him. He jumps a bit, breaking into a smile right after. Johnny notices him, “I didn’t mean to scare you, babe," he says.
“It’s not you entirely. I’m still getting used to the house."
Johnny nods, accepting it. He closes the space between them slowly and observes what Kun’s doing before speaking.
“You should’ve woken me up. I wanna help.”
“You have work in the morning.”
“So do you,” Johnny reminds him. He takes a few more steps and stops behind him, then leans down and wraps his arms around his waist. Kun leans into Johnny’s body, needing more physical contact. It feels warm and irresistible.
“I plan on faking a cough.”
“Then I should stay at home and take care of you.”
“Maybe you should,” Kun agrees, smiling.
In the background, Fleetwood Mac’s Dreams bleeds into Joni Mitchell’s California. Another song Kun knows Johnny loves.
“Dance with me,” Johnny suggests.
“Now?”
“I don’t know the next time we’ll get a chance to dance in the kitchen lights in the middle of the night. We should take this chance to cross one romantic movie cliché off the list.”
“I didn’t know you had a list.”
“Well, now you know.” He can hear the smile in Johnny’s voice.
Dancing in the middle of the night in the kitchen lights. What a lovely cliché to cross off the list.
“Let’s cross it off then.”
Johnny takes his hand when he turns around and Kun lets him take the lead.
They walk over to the empty space that separates the kitchen from what’s soon to be a dining room. They sway softly from one side to the other, barely following the rhythm.
Kun feels it in that moment, it’s as clear as a day. Happiness. Something only Johnny’s been able to make him feel.
It’s the best feeling to mark the beginning of a new phase in their lives. The happily ever after phase.
December 19th 2018
Kun’s been able to see it in Johnny for the last week. It’s in the smallest of movements, in his concerned looks towards the monthly calendar on the fridge, the important dates filled in. His finger lingers over the 24th, the day his family comes to town.
Seeing how concerned he is made Kun even more determined to do everything that’s in his power to pull out a miracle and make it the best Christmas dinner that Johnny’s family has ever seen. He’s been using his lunch breaks for planning the entire week, preparing a list of songs, meals to prepare, DVDs to buy. He has a plan for it all, not leaving a stone unturned. He’s ready with an answer to everything, a potential solution to any problem that might arise.
He’ll be there with an answer to whatever might happen.
“We should’ve gone with the smaller tree. We don’t have enough ornaments for this one,” Johnny remarks as he steps back and looks at their tree for the first time since they finished decorating.
He’s right.
In the past they only got the tiniest of trees, so they didn’t really have enough ornaments for any tree that’s normal size. Kun already bought a few boxes for this one, and was proud of his trip to the flea market that provided a whole box of antique ones for a bargain price.
But there’s nothing to panic about here. There’s more than enough time to remedy the situation.
“I’ll pick up some on my way home from work tomorrow.”
“I’ll do it.”
“Nonsense. I have more time for this. You have that big presentation, and you also need to rest.”
“You spoil me,” Johnny says.
“My baby deserves everything he wants.”
“Aww. Baby,” Johnny coos, approaching Kun. “I’m so sorry for stressing out over this. I want it to be perfect,” he says, leaning down to rest his head on Kun’s shoulder as he embraces him. “It’s our first Christmas hosting and it needs to be perfect.”
“It will be. I promise. I know what I’m doing. I do this for a living, basically.”
“Basically,” Johnny repeats, smiling.
“Yes. And I made a plan, okay. I have to pick up groceries tomorrow, stock up the pantry and the freezer. I have to do that tomorrow before it becomes over crowded everywhere. We’ll meal prep a bit this weekend and it’ll all be ready. I have it figured out. I got you.”
Johnny pulls him in close. He can feel him smile, it's in his voice when he speaks again.
“You got me. Just like you promised you would.”
“I’ll always keep that promise.”
June 12th 2017
Kun can’t believe they’ve become one of those people.
When they first started dating, they made fun of the type of people they are now — couples that are all lovey-dovey in public, sharing so much PDA it’s uncomfortable. But ever since they got back together Kun has been unable to stop himself. He wants to touch and kiss Johnny as much as he possibly can. It’s like he’s making up for lost time.
So here they are. Kun’s pushing the shopping cart with one hand and holding onto Johnny’s with his other hand. Johnny’s the one that’s grabbing whatever he needs from the shelves, performing a complicated dance around him so they won’t have to let go.
“Are you getting cereal?” Johnny asks as they enter the aisle.
“Yes. Two boxes of Cookie Crunch, please.”
“You don’t like it though. I’m the only one who eats it.”
“No, I hate it. But you like them” Kun says, “You’re the only one who eats cereal, always with milk. And it’s running low. So two boxes, please.”
“Babe,” Johnny fakes a pout at him, big puppy eyes making Kun melt. “You buy cereal for me?”
“Of course I do, babe.”
Johnny's pout deepens. He blinks innocently at him. Kun's ready to buy him the entire store.
“That’s so sweet. You’re the sweetest.”
Johnny takes a step closer and leans down to leave a lingering kiss on Kun’s lips. Kun tiptoes for a moment, chasing after it. Shamelessly, though they are in public. He hates when people do what he’s doing, usually. Now he doesn’t care. He deserves the kiss — he needs it. He missed out on so many.
Kun’s trying his hardest to make up for what he did. To fix what he couldn’t back then.
He promised Johnny that he would.
“You’re sweeter,” Kun replies, breaking into a smile.
What he wants to say is ‘I love you’ but it feels too soon. They just started again and Johnny had months to fall out of love before he came back. Just because his feelings didn’t change, doesn’t mean that he gets to spring them onto Johnny.
He’ll wait for Johnny to say those words.
For however long it takes.
October 20th 2015
“And how’s the sex?” Ten asks.
He has him figuratively cornered, sitting opposite of him in the coffee shop and refusing to look down at his notes. They're here to work on a project, they're not here to gossip. With Ten it never remains as the thing it's supposed to be.
“I'm not answering that.”
Telling Ten that he started seeing someone, today of all days, turns out to be a mistake. Ten has no filter about these things, he always prods for details that Kun would rather not give. Kun would mind if he wasn't used to the behavior. But at this point he and Ten have shared some really dark secrets between them, this is both expected and pretty normal. Ten's his best friend. And this is nothing compared to what they've talked about in the past.
Kun would just prefer it if they didn't do it now when they're supposed to be studying and working on a project.
“Oh, come on. You’ve been seeing this guy for weeks now and you refuse to tell me anything about him. Just this one thing and I’ll shut up," Ten insists. Kun knows very well the game that he's playing.
“But will you really shut up?” he challenges him.
“I always do.”
Bullshit.
“You never do.”
At that, Ten exhales dramatically, placing his elbows on the table in between them and leaning over it a bit.
“Fine. I’ll speak a bit less," he offers. That's much more plausible than saying he'll shut up. "Just that one question.”
“What was it again?”
“How’s the sex?" Ten asks again.
It's not that Kun doesn't want to answer the question, he in fact loves gossiping with Ten about their love lives and the men they've recently met. It's just that it's different for Kun this time around. This isn't a thing like it was with all his previous things. He's not in a casual relationship and it's not what he's focusing on.
It's so much more than Kun's experienced in the past.
“It’s great," he says, hoping it'll satisfy Ten's curiosity. But he knows better than to think it will.
“It won’t hurt you to add some details about it, you know. Like how big is he?”
Kun tries to hide the smile showing up on his face by faking a pout. It's funny that Ten thinks he'll get an answer to it. There's no way that it's going to happen.
“Where’s Sicheng when I need him most?”
“Getting laid, unlike me. So spill.”
“I’m not gonna answer that, Ten. It’s not about the physical, anyway," Kun says, giving an answer that gives too much away. It's not like relationships in the past. This one didn't start because of a hookup, and while the sex is mind blowing, Kun barely focuses on it. He focuses on the conversations and the time spent together, and most of all on how Johnny is with him. Who he is with Johnny by his side.
“Oh," Ten whispers. He looks at Kun with wonderment, so Kun finds himself tempted to explain. To try to find words for feelings that he struggles to understand. Some of his feelings are too intense for him to talk about. So he talks about it generically, keeping the details for himself.
“I like who I am when I am with him. I like how he makes me feel. He respects me, he appreciates me. I’m afraid he might be the one.”
Ten smiles at him softly, not even a crumb of mischief on his face. Serious Ten is a rare thing, but it's a sight to see.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of," he tells him.
Kun doesn't see it that way. He sees Johnny and their happiness as something that can so easily be taken away.
“I might ruin it and lose him forever.”
“You might," Ten nods, "You might not. A plane might crash into the university tomorrow and we all might die and never see each other again," he adds. The disturbing scene he describes puts things in a better context. "You can’t be thinking like that. If we go with ‘might happen’ no one would do anything.”
If anything happened then Johnny wouldn't know how Kun feels. That suddenly becomes Kun's biggest fear.
“I think I love him.”
“Then tell him that. And please offer something more juicy next time. This was a bit depressing," Ten jokes. “I mean, I’m happy for you. But still.”
“Am I supposed to apologize for not having anything juicy enough for you?”
“No, of course not. You know exactly what you’re supposed to do.”
He does. He should tell Johnny that he loves him.
Soon he will.
April 28th 2022
“I think I’m finally ready," Johnny announces. It's the first thing he says as soon as he walks through the door after work.
Kun is in the living room, lounging on the couch with a book in hand and Lulu sleeping next to him. He would be confused by Johnny's sudden outburst, but it's nothing new. Johnny likes to announce things like that whenever he gets overly excited. And Kun hates to stifle that excitement so bluntly, but he really needs some context here.
“What are you ready for, love?” he asks when Johnny finally enters the living room.
It's not only in his voice and how he states it right away, it's in the smile on his face and the shine in his eyes.
Johnny pauses, looks at him when he gives his answer.
“Kids. I’m ready to have kids, I think.”
Kun has to put the book down and process the information.
They've spoken about it in the past, never coming to a decision but leaving it as an option for when they'd feel more ready. Kun's answer was always the same in their past conversations on the subject — I'm ready when you are.
While a surprise, Johnny's declaration is also something completely expected. The timing of it is the only thing that Kun now needs to figure out. Cause Johnny from a month ago had something completely different to say than that he's ready.
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
“Just this kid that I met at work. It was bring your kid to work day, today," Johnny explains. He walks towards him and plops himself down on the couch and leans down to rest his head on Kun's shoulder. “I want a human child next. I want to show them so much love and make them happy."
That's what Kun wants too.
“Then let’s look into how to do that tomorrow.”
Kun tilts his head and rests his head against Johnny's.
The family he's always wanted is becoming complete.
May 6th 2017
Johnny’s been back to Chicago for a week now. Kun’s known this also for a week because Johnny posted about it on Instagram and Kun has notifications on, like the fool he is.
For said week, Kun’s been pondering what to do. He knows what he wants to do, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He’s never asked anyone to get back together with him. Just like he never broke up with someone before Johnny. Johnny gets all his firsts.
He takes advantage of the first fuck it, I’m doing it moment and dial Johnny’s number, crossing his fingers that he didn’t change it since the last time they spoke. A lot can happen in a few months.
“Kun?”
He feels relieved that Johnny answers. But he's not sure how to bring it up from this point on. It's probably best not to do it over the phone. He should ask to meet.
If it doesn't work out, at least he'll get to see him one last time.
“Yeah, it's me. Hi.”
“Hi," Johnny returns with a quiet and flat voice.
He's not happy to hear from him, Kun realizes. In turn, Kun's not happy that he doesn't have a way to break the ice.
“You’re back," he attempts, only for it not to work at all.
“I am.”
The coldness continues. Kun realizes that he can't postpone any longer, they're both uncomfortable and he should just ask so he can get his answer.
“I want to talk to you about something. Can we meet?”
Johnny's quiet for a few moments. Kun's heart starts beating incredibly fast as he waits for Johnny's response. The more time passes, the less hopeful Kun feels.
“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“I understand," Kun says, ignoring the sinking feeling in his chest. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry. About what, exactly?"
Everything. From the beginning to end.
But Kun doesn't have enough time to list all of it.
“About the breakup. And about not being fair to you. You loved me better than I loved you." he says. When he hears that Johnny doesn't respond, he continues his apology. “I shouldn’t have run away. I was stuck thinking about how hard it was for me, but I didn’t think about how hard it must’ve been for you. I should’ve done better, I should’ve had your back. I wish I did.”
“Will you do better now?" Johnny asks him then. With just five words Kun's life changes.
“I will.”
He stills, waiting for Johnny's response. He's suddenly overly hopeful, overly excited.
“Do you still live in the same apartment?”
Holy shit.
“I do.”
“I’ll be there in an hour,” Johnny says and hangs up.
Kun spends that hour in nervous pacing and cleaning around his apartment. He tries to take a seat on the couch and wait it out, but he grows restless after a few seconds and starts moving again. He makes coffee and does his laundry, and though he’s moving as slowly as his body allows him, the anticipation tingles down his spine. He does the dishes, paces some more.
Then the hour is over. Johnny isn't there.
Every following minute is torture for Kun, an overwhelming cycle of wondering if he'll show up or not.
He's about to give up hope when there's finally a knock on his door.
"I love you, still. But I can't agree to doing this again if I know that you won't talk to me about your feelings. I can't start every day in fear that you might suddenly leave me again."
Johnny stands in the doorway, refusing to move.
"I don't want to leave you ever again. I promise you, I won't. The breakup was the biggest mistake I've ever made," Kun admits, his voice breaking. "I love you so much. All I've done since you left is miss you. I made it worse for the both of us, I'm so sorry about that. I know that I can't take it back, but if you forgive me, if you let me in your life again, I promise you that I won't ever do what I did. I promise you to love you properly, to show you how I feel every day. I promise I will never let you down again."
It's only then that Johnny walks into the apartment and with that walks back into Kun's life.
It's only then that the Johnny shaped hole in Kun's chest starts to close and he starts feeling okay again.