Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was Clarke’s first day back on an Earth that wasn’t empty, that had her friends and family on it, her first day after having failed humanity and deprived it of a chance at transcendence, and it had been a good day all things considered. She’d found herself wrapped up in hugs and genuine joy and warmth, in her mother’s soft embrace, in Raven’s blistering hugs and Lincoln’s steady hold. And now she was laying on the hard ground, more at peace than she’d been in a long long time. The day as happy as it was, was tinged with a lingering yearning, for the hugs she hadn’t gotten to be wrapped up in, Madi’s, her dad’s, Lexa’s. She resolutely scrunched up her eyes, to stop the tears from spilling over. She couldn’t really bring herself to regret having failed the Test, but a wispy hazy thought had lingered in some bruised corner of her mangled heart, the thought that if she had passed the Test, her soul would have found a way to meld into that of her daughter’s and her… Lexa’s.    She silently sent out an apology to her soul for this final crime she had committed against it, this final sin she would bear on her shoulders, of having deprived herself of the chance of some sort of reunion with Lexa, with Madi, no matter how vague and spiritual and transcendental it had been. Her mind couldn’t handle thinking about any more what-ifs or could-have-beens and her thoughts were soon interrupted by the blissful void of sleep.

The next time Clarke came to herself she was back in the Test realm and for a moment she felt the vice grip of fear squeezing her heart, the fear that everything that had happened from this point onwards was a crazy hallucination her broken grief-stricken mind had conjured up to save her from whatever reality she actually had to return to. The vice around her heart only tightened when she heard a familiar voice call out “Clarke”.

And Clarke couldn’t do this once more, she couldn’t bear seeing Lexa who was not actually Lexa, she couldn’t bear grieving Lexa again because ‘God’ had decided to test her with the cruelest mirage again, she couldn’t- “Klark” the voice called out again and this time, it gave Clarke a pause, the cadence resonated with some part deep within her soul, it wasn’t the proper enunciation of an alien species, it was familiar, hard ‘r’s and soft ‘k’s, she turned around slowly, keeping herself as still as she could. Her eyes met warm green, and Clarke couldn’t choke back the whimper that escaped her. This wasn’t some God wearing Lexa’s face, it was Lexa, Clarke’s soul, heart, every cell in her body recognized it, just as she’d known that it hadn’t been Lexa before, she now knew, without a single shred of doubt that it was Lexa, her Lexa, not some imposter. Whether, it was a dream or a hallucination her body had conjured up drawing up on all the parts of Lexa that were lodged in every cell of Clarke’s body, intertwined with her very essence, she did not care. She would take Lexa in whatever form she could have her; she was a parched traveller in a scorching desert, and if the shimmering mirage of an oasis was all she was going to get, she’d happily crawl to her doom and swallow down sand in exchange for the few seconds of relief she’d get before the image fell apart. Clarke blinked back to awareness and saw Lexa patiently waiting, a gentle smile on her face, her head tilted to the side as if to enquire where exactly had Clarke gone.

Clarke took off in a running sprint and skidded to a halt just before Lexa. She raised both of her hands towards Lexa’s, she could see them visibly trembling. Lexa didn’t disintegrate when Clarke’s fingertips made contact with Lexa’s. And Clarke’s greedy hands were not weighed down by the fears that restrained her heart apparently, because they immediately pressed themselves right up against Lexa’s palms, then encircled her wrists in a loose grip. Lexa just stood there smiling. Once her wrists were firmly in Clarke’s grip, she gently raised both their connected hands into the air and quirked an amused brow at Clarke. And Clarke couldn’t help the laugh, the honest to God giggle, that bubbled out of her. She gripped Lexa’s wrists more firmly and placed her hands onto Clarke’s shoulder and then, once she’d situated Lexa’s hands on her shoulders securely, Clarke carefully placed her own around Lexa’s waist and pulled her closer so forcefully that they collapsed down in a heap. Lexa’s hands immediately left Clarke’s shoulder to cushion the back of Clarke’s head, causing Lexa to come nose to nose with her. They stayed like that for a few seconds, eyes tracing over each other’s faces hungrily. From this close, Clarke could smell Lexa, her woody earthy scent, a scent she’d come to associate with peace, and home, and happiness, with a sun dappled afternoon that had been the last time Clarke had lived, truly lived.

Before her thoughts could veer off into the morose, Clarke blurted out “I’m going to have such a good sex dream today” and Lexa started shaking against her in laughter. “Are you Klark ?”, she questioned between soft huffs of laughter. It took Clarke a moment to answer, she had been floating along in the golden waters of Lexa’s laugh, the parched desert traveller had found not a puddle, but a stream, a stream of life saving cold water. She was convinced that whatever transcendence she had missed out on would have paled in comparison to Lexa’s laugh. “Yes Lexa, I am, it has been so long since you last visited me in my dreams, it’s been so long that I started missing the nightmares”. Lexa’s smile suddenly dimmed and she started moving her hands out from underneath Clarke’s head as if to push herself up, to push herself away from Clarke. Clarke’s arms tightened around Lexa’s waist, “No please, please Lexa, don’t go, please”. Clarke couldn’t ebb the stream of tears that started, couldn’t quiet down the desperate sobs that wracked through her body. “Klark, Klark, listen to me,” Lexa’s voice cut through the black veil of grief that had overtaken all of Clarke’s senses the moment the possibility of losing Lexa, even this dream Lexa had arisen, “I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here, Klark”. Lexa gently lowered herself back onto Clarke and rested her head against Clarke’s shoulders, her hands wrapping around the back of Clarke’s neck. “I’m right here”.

And they stayed like that for a long time. Lexa holding Clarke as she cried herself out.

Once the last of Clarke’s tears had dried, she rasped “I’m sorry I ruined our sex dream”. Lexa gently lifted her head from Clarke’s shoulder, and looked at her with eyes sparkling with amusement, “We can still have a nice dream Klark” “Oh can we? You do it then, Heda” “Ai laik nou Heda nou mou Klark” [I’m not Heda any more Klark] Lexa gently corrected. “I’ve only ever sworn fealty to one Commander, I’ve only ever believed in one Commander, you are and always will be ai Heda, Leksa” Clarke countered, resolute. Lexa grinned at her, “Let us have a nice dream before I end up inevitably losing to Klark kom Skaikru”. Clarke was helpless to not grin back.

Clarke felt the walls of the Test Realm shimmer around her, till they wavered and slowly started falling apart. Suddenly, Clarke and Lexa were in a mud hut. A hut with warm brown walls and a straw roof. Before Clarke could tease Lexa about how a hut constituted Lexa’s idea of a nice dream, a small voice called out, “Nomon, Mama”, followed by the pitter patter of small feet. Clarke turned around just in time to instinctively catch a small child who jumped straight into her arms. “Madi”. Clarke recognized her daughter the moment she jumped into her arms. “Mama” the child parroted back at her, then she suddenly twisted in Clarke’s arms and turned Lexa, extended two demanding arms out at her and commanded “Nomon”. Lexa gently took Madi from Clarke’s frankly still arms and the girl instantly wrapped her legs around Lexa’s waist and buried her face in Lexa’s neck. Before Clarke could even begin to process the scene unfolding in front of her, another figure appeared in the doorway. “Aden” Clarke whispered as if she was only capable of uttering names in this dream. At Clarke’s whisper Madi lifted her head from Lexa’s neck, looked to Aden and inexplicably said “Nomon sandwich, Aden”. But Clarke didn’t have to remain puzzled for too long because as soon as Aden heard Madi’s words, he grinned, making Clarke’s heart pang at the sheer boyishness of it, and stepped behind Lexa and wrapped his arms around Madi’s neck, “Nomon sandwich, Mads”. And then, then Clarke knew exactly why her brain had conjured up this dream, this was her Someday with Lexa, where she got to have a happy ending, to raise children with Lexa and Clarke didn’t even care to understand the extent of her own insanity, for having conjured up such a vivid delusion, because if this is all she was getting of her happy ending, these crumbs in a dream, she’d happily devour them. With that thought she stepped forward to plaster herself to Madi’s back and wrapped her arms around Aden’s shoulders, “Nomon Madi Sandwich” she whispered.
 

The sandwich had lasted for a good 5 minutes before Madi started squirming. “Nomon, Mama promised to teach me swords today and didn’t” Madi tattled as she was being let down from Lexa’s arms. “And why do I have to teach you, Mads, why can’t Nomon”, Clarke playfully countered. Aden remained with his chin resting against Lexa’s shoulder and she was currently using her recently free of Madi arms to tousle his hair affectionately. Clarke felt a wave of pure happiness run through her. “Because Nomon doesn’t do swords Mama, she does candles, and cooking and washing and you do swords and mending and folding” Madi was saying with her arms folded in front of her. Before Clarke could reply, Aden piped up “Let’s go have a bath Madi while Nomon gives Mama a stern scolding”. He picked Madi up and started walking left into what Clarke assumed was the bath with a wink thrown Clarke’s way. With the children gone, Clarke turned to Lexa with a lecherous grin, “So you’re my house wife huh?”. Lexa snorted and said, “I’ve always wondered what I’s be if I wasn’t a warrior, if I wasn’t Heda, would I be a mother”, here she paused and looked at Clarke shyly, “a wife”. Clarke, in what was becoming the running theme of this dream, couldn’t help herself, she wrapped Lexa up in a bone crushing hug. And though she didn’t offer any explanation in return, Clarke knew why her mind had made her the sword bearer. Her biggest regrets all involved not being able to protect the people she loved, so when given an opportunity, her mind had conjured up a reality where she was the protector, capable of protecting her precious family.

Later, once Madi and Aden had returned, all four of them squeezed onto a single narrow cot, with Lexa’s head on Clarke’s shoulder, Madi on Clarke’s other side, between the wall and her Mama and Aden on Lexa’s other side, after having insisted that he was too old to sleep between Clarke and Lexa. And as sleep began to gently subdue Clarke, she knew that any transcendence any God could have offered her would have paled in comparison to the what her own brain had just gifted her.

Chapter Text

When Clarke woke up the next day, it was with a profound sense of loss. She couldn’t shake away the yearning for Lexa and the family she met in her dreams, even as she went about mundane tasks with her friends and family. She yearned for them as she playfully knocked shoulders with Raven while brushing her teeth in the morning and as she stirred a pot of stew for Indra at lunch and as she watched the moon come up at night, secure in her mother’s embrace. The day was filled with various aborted attempts at naps, because Clarke was unable to hold back her frustration when Lexa and the children didn’t appear the moment she closed her eyes. She ached with so deep a yearning for her dream family that even the few minutes of darkness without them was too much for Clarke to bear. By nightfall, Clarke had almost given up and accepted her fate, accepted that the only time she would get to meet her family was for a few hours in a dream. She fell asleep with an ache in her heart.

The next time Clarke became conscious of herself, she was back in the Test Realm with its shimmery purple skies. Clarke waited with baited breath to hear the voice she’d been craving all day, the joy in her heart held in limbo till she got what her soul yearned for. “Hello Clarke”. Clarke whirled around with such speed that she nearly tipped over. The dam of joy burst and Clarke was swept along, she ran straight into Lexa’s arms, hugging her close, lifting her feet off the ground in her enthusiasm.

Lexa was laughing, and Clarke was reminded of her biology lessons. Arrhythmia: Improper beating of the heart, because damn it, her heart was definitely skipping beats. After a few moments of holding Lexa as close as she physically could, Clarke slowly set her down, not releasing her from the circle of her arms. For a few moments, she got lost in Lexa’s eyes. In the beautiful green of rim, in the black center, in the pretty long eyelashes, in all the elements that came together to make Clarke’s heart into mush. Then she slowly took one hand off Lexa’s waist and slowly cupped her face, “We’re definitely having a sex dream today”. Lexa smiled a half smile, one corner of her beautiful perfect lips lifting up, hooking Clarke’s heart right onto itself, “Are we, Klark?”. Her tone was playful, but there was something else in it, a faint longing. “We are Lexa, so you better take us somewhere romantic today”, Clarke declared.

“Take my hand then, Klark” and Clarke did.

This time, Clarke and Lexa were in a meadow, lush green grass as far as the eye could see, dotted with small white flowers intermittently. Clarke laced their fingers together and took another moment to drink Lexa in, the perfect cut of her jaw, the soft curve of her hips, her feet turned inwards and felt herself fall, hard and deep, for Lexa for the umpteenth time. Hard and deep reminds her of exactly what she plans to do today. She used their laced fingers to pull Lexa to her and crash their mouths together. Lexa’s hands automatically come to rest on Clarke’s shoulder and after an initial oomph of surprise, Lexa gave into the kiss easily. It felt like coming home, like drinking water after being thirsty for decades, like contentment and ascension. It felt like the closest Clarke Griffin would ever come to transcendence.

They didn’t separate from each other even as they both lowered themselves onto their knees. Only then did Clarke let go of Lexa’s mouth, resulting in Lexa letting out a whine that Clarke felt between her legs. She slowly cupped the back of Lexa’s head and pushed her backwards onto the grass.

Lexa lay spent next to her as Clarke basked in the image of Lexa breaking apart on her fingers. As she tried to commit the image of Lexa’s body curving off the ground, the feel of Lexa tightening around her fingers, a distant memory floated through Clarke’s mind. A snatch of an Old World song her dad had made her listen to.

The only heaven I’ll be sent to is when I’m alone with you

Clarke was convinced that this was her transcendence, to have Lexa in her arms again, to get to worship her body again, to love her, body and soul. She was shaken out of her thoughts by a shoulder knocking into her. Lexa was now sitting up beside her, her legs folded, “You looked lost in thought, Klark” Lexa murmured softly as she rested her head carefully on Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke felt some unknown wrinkle in her soul smoothen out at the action. She told Lexa about the Old World song snippet she remembered and how her dad had made her listen to it very enthusiastically. “It’s about me and you” Lexa lifted her head from Clarke’s shoulder at that and looked at her quizzically. “The song” Clarke clarified, “This is my heaven”. Lexa’s eyes suddenly turned shimmery as tears welled up in them. Clarke pressed a kiss to Lexa’s forehead and gently guided her head back onto her shoulder. “I only wish I could remember the whole thing”, she lamented.

After a few moments of peaceful quiet, a song started booming somewhere from the sky.

My lover’s got humour

Clarke was startled at first, before the memories of her dad and his shining eyes, of the cold walls of Ark came flooding in. She took a minute to really start listening.

If the Heavens ever did speak

She’s the last true mouthpiece

Lexa kom Trikru was the last true Commander. The last bit of goodness this godforsaken world had gotten to experience.

The only Heaven I’ll be sent to

Is When I’m alone with you

This was Clarke’s transcendence, along with a sun dappled afternoon long ago. Maybe that’s why she hadn’t felt but the slightest twinge at losing out at the possibility of transcendence. Because she had lived through it once, and she knew nothing any God could ever offer would compare.

My Lover’s the sunlight

And oh, she was. Her radiance was blinding, her warmth comforting and her heat sweltering. She was the light of Clarke’s life. Her bright spot.

Offer me that deathless death

That’s how she’d felt every day since she lost Lexa, first in her bedroom, then in the City of Light. She’d only really started surviving again once Madi came along, but even then, she felt like some part of her, the hopeful part, had died with Lexa

As the last notes of the song faded into the air, Clarke was convinced that the song was written by some Old World prophet who had foreseen her and Lexa, and their story.

Clarke turned to Lexa to share her theory, when something suddenly struck her. “I didn’t remember this song, I barely remembered the snippet I told you about. How can-” She cut herself off, as realization slowly dawned upon her.

“This is not a dream, is it Lexa?”

Chapter Text

“It is, it’s a dream, Klark”, there was a beat of silence when Lexa paused to take in a deep breath as if she had to steel herself for whatever she had to say next, “but I am not”.

Clarke waited for her to continue, but when the silence stretched on, she quietly stretched one hand forward and took Lexa’s palm between both of hers and raised it to her lips before gently intertwining their fingers together. With her free hand, she cupped Lexa’s face and slowly turned her head to face Clarke’s waiting gaze. “Please explain it to me, Lexa. I just want to understand” she murmured; her voice quiet, too afraid to disturb the stillness that had settled over them.

“I couldn’t return to you like the rest of your friends and family, Klark. It had been too long, it was too late for me.” Lexa’s eyes were glittering with unshed tears and for a moment Clarke forget about everything, the entire world, dream and real, and just drank in the sight of those vibrant green eyes, framed by the most perfect eyelashes to ever have existed. Honestly, this one was on Clarke, how could she ever have believed that her mortal mind was capable of creating something so celestial, so ethereal, so transcendent.

After a moment Lexa continued, her voice whisper quiet, “I had rested in uncomfortable peace all this while in the hope that one day our souls would be reunited, we would become one. But when that was no longer a possibility, I couldn’t bear it. So… So I fought, I fought hard. I fought for so long that they gave in”, here she paused to give Clarke a triumphant grin and sent her heart soaring, “they said I couldn’t visit you in the mortal realm because I no longer have a corporeal form to call my own, but I could visit you here, in your dreams. I could visit you as long as I didn’t completely detach from” she paused and her brow furrowed as she tried to think how to explain what she had merged into. “The transcendent realm”, she continued after exactly three beats of silence (not that Clarke was counting). “It comes with a repository of all human knowledge, past, present and future. That’s where I played your song from Klark. I wanted to give you everything I could”.

She turned her glittering eyes upon Clarke, full of unshed tears and nervous anticipation. But Clarke didn’t utter a single word, she couldn’t. Her heart was soaring, flying so high she was surprised it hadn’t burst out of her chest. Her soul was finally at peace, still and content. Everything that made Clarke Clarke was floating in a whirlpool of joy. She had Lexa back. Lexa was back.

Some small part of her mind was convinced that she had somehow passed the test and her soul had transcended because how else could this happen? How could she fail and still be given everything?

Lexa’s voice broke her out of her ecstatic musings, “I can go, if you need to think it over”.

Her fingers still entwined with Lexa’s reflexively tightened. “Don’t you dare, don’t you dare!” Clarke met Lexa’s solemn eyes fiercely. “I was ecstatic when I thought this was a creation of my own mind. But now that I know that it’s you, really you, I am”, she grinned wildly, unable to think of a word in any language to adequately convey her joy, “I am finally at peace Lexa, God, I can finally breathe fully, I am never letting you go and I’m never leaving”.

“You have to wake up Klark.”

“Why Lexa, why should I wake up?”

“Because you have friends, family and a life and I want you to live it. Please Clarke, I will not let you forsake it for me.”

She knew Lexa was right, but she couldn’t resist adding, “I would stay asleep forever if it meant having you”.

Lexa smiled, soft and amused, “I know, but I want you to have everything, Klark. Everything.”

Clarke understood. She didn’t like it, but she understood. She inclined her head in silent agreement. Clarke couldn’t ever bring herself to deny Lexa anything she asked for ever again. Especially not when she asked for it so softly, with a warm gaze and a gentle smile on those gorgeous beautiful lips.

She pulled Lexa into her lap, buried her face in her neck and inhaled deeply. She still smelt perfect. Like pine, the warm summer air and vanilla. “Tell me everything”.

They spent the rest of the ‘dream’ talking, talking about how it really was Madi and Aden, how Lexa had pulled them, or rather their essences, with her for that brief period, how that dream was in fact a creation of Clarke’s mind and it wasn’t all Lexa, how this one however was all Lexa, except the activities which Clarke insisted were all her, with a waggle of her brows.

“Klark, I have a question too.”

Clarke waited patiently for Lexa to continue. Her face still buried in Lexa’s neck, hidden beneath a curtain Lexa’s wild hair.

“What is a church?”

Clarke couldn’t contain the laugh that bubbled out of her. She lifted her face from its comfortable resting place to kiss Lexa soundly.

Chapter Text

This time Clarke was prepared for the Test Realm and for Lexa. This conviction lasted her all of two seconds once she actually opened her eyes and saw Lexa, her Lexa, standing in front of her, arms folded behind her as was her habit, a soft look of anticipation in her eyes. Clarke had to take a deep breath to calm her racing heart, which was almost beating out of her chest, as if to jump out into its rightful keeper’s arms. She speed walked the short distance between her and Lexa, and bent down to lift Lexa up from below the knees and spin her in joyful celebration.

Lexa’s hands came to clutch tightly onto each of Clarke’s shoulders as a giggle bubbled out of her. After a couple of spins, Clarke bounced Lexa a little so she could shift her hands to her waist and slowly slid Lexa down. But Lexa didn’t let her feet touch all the way down, instead she wrapped her legs around Clarke’s waist, prompting Clarke to wrap her arms tighter around Lexa. Clarke had absolutely no complaints about this new position.

When she and Lexa were finally face to face, Lexa whispered a quiet “Hello, Klark”.

“Hi, hodnes”, Clarke grinned when a light pink started spreading over Lexa’s cheeks, god she was achingly beautiful.

Lexa tried to unwrap her legs from around Clarke’s waist, but Clarke tightened her grip, refusing to let Lexa down. After a few minutes of this struggle, Lexa huffed in defeat and stopped trying to unwrap her legs. Instead, she buried her face in Clarke’s neck.

“What do you want to do today, niron?” she mumbled into Clarke’s neck. The slight emphasis on niron made Clarke grin goofily.

“You know how you said the alien hive mind has a repository of all human knowledge?”, Lexa hummed a yes into her shoulder and Clarke continued, “does it also include the Ark and people on it and our past selves?”.

“Yes, Klark”.

“Then I have a plan Lexa, how can I take us where I want us to go?”

“You just have to hold onto me and think hard about wherever you want us to go, Klark”

“Ok, so I already have step one down”, Clarke pumped her fist in the air, making Lexa clutch harder onto Clarke to keep herself from sliding down. Clarke quickly brought her hand down and wrapped it around Lexa once again. “Don’t worry baby, I won’t let you fall, what are these muscles for, after all?”, Clarke smirked at Lexa. Lexa lifted her head from Clarke’s shoulder to meet her eyes and lifted an eyebrow, “What muscles, Klark?”, she questioned, her eyes shining brightly in her eyes. Clarke gasped in mock offence and began to bend over at the waist, as if she was about to throw Lexa down. Lexa’s arms and legs tightened in response and a deep laugh burst out of Clarke’s chest, straight from her heart. She straightened up after a minute, the last vestiges of her laugh still escaping her lips. She stared into Lexa’s eyes as she took a deep breath and schooled her features. Then she closed her eyes and thought hard of the thing, the place and the person she so dearly wanted.

The next time Clarke opened her eyes, she was hit with a burst of artificially cool air with a metallic twang and gray walls. They were in the Ark. It worked. Clarke panicked at the lack of Lexa beside her though. Clarke wasn’t sure her heart could handle losing Lexa even momentarily.

A voice interrupted her increasingly frantic thoughts,

“And what are you frowning about, troublemaker?”

Clarke felt her heart stop for a minute before it started up again. “Dad”, she whispered as Jake Griffin’s face appeared above her. But he seemed a lot bigger than when she last saw him, a few lifetimes ago. It was when she saw her own arms that had instinctively reached out for the warmth, safety and comfort of her father that she realized that it was her who was tinier. “Hi pumpkin, you woke up just in time to meet a new friend”, her father murmured as he lifted her into his arms. “I’ve been assigned babysitting duty today”, her father continued.

Somewhere, in some dark and dusty corner of her mind, she had feared that she had exaggerated the kindness of her dad’s presence, the warmth of his embrace, that she wasn’t remembering him correctly. The moment she was in his arms though, that dusty corner was all at once expunged of its painful thoughts, if anything time had diminished her memory of the kindness in his blue eyes, the happiness she felt in his arms and the absolute love emanating from him in her presence.

Jake’s voice interrupted her, “And here’s your new friend Clarke, what’s your name sweetie?”. Clarke twisted around in her father’s arms to meet familiar green eyes on a face far younger and tinier than the one she knew. For the second time in this ‘dream’, Clarke’s heart had stopped beating, unable to process the sheer wave of emotion arising in it.

It was a tiny baby Lexa, with chubby cheeks and a soft round belly, and tiny legs and perfect miniature palms. Clarke Griffin was about to die in her father’s arms, taken out by the prettiest girl she ever saw, even as a toddler. She had no regrets though, what a way to go.

Suddenly Clarke understood what had happened. Her desire for Lexa to meet her father, even if only in a dream had intermingled with her omnipresent desire to have had a lifetime with Lexa, to produce this miracle, this heaven that Clarke never ever wanted to leave.

Clarke was broken out of her ecstatic musings by Lexa’s squeaky toddler voice replying, “Wexa”. Yup, it was official, Clarke’s heart wasn’t going to survive this.

Clarke’s father set her down as he playfully teased Lexa, “Lexa, hmmm, sounds awfully close to T-Rexa, are you a dinosaur maybe?”.

Their eyes met for a split second and Clarke could see the emotions shining in Lexa’s eyes, letting her know that this was still her Lexa, before she apparently decided to completely embrace her toddler self and stuck a tongue out at Jake, saying “No, you’re a dinosaur”. Jake laughed, before garbling out an “I am, and I’m going to get you” as he began to take exaggerated steps towards Lexa with his hands held up in the air to imitate claws.

Clarke ran in between her father and Lexa and parked herself in front of Lexa in a wide stance, “I’m a brave knight and I’ll protect you from this evil dinosaur, Wexa”. She felt Lexa wrap her tiny hands around her from behind.

Jake let out an ‘evil’ laugh before feinting charging at them.

They had played for a long time before Jake sat them down for a snack. They had held hands the entire time. Watching Lexa taste Ark food for the first time had been hilarious. The faces she’d pulled made Clarke giggle uncontrollably, while Jake just shook his head at their antics

And now, Jake was putting them down for a nap, in the same bed, as both of them had vehemently insisted upon. Beside her Lexa’s eyes were already shut, her little hand slack in Clarke’s grip. As her dad was tucking the blanket around her, she whispered, “Hey dad, I’m going to marry Wexa”. Her dad’s face appeared above her, blue eyes shining with amusement and love. “Are you, baby?”. She nodded her little head vigorously. Jake chuckled, “I can’t wait for the wedding then. She’s rather wonderful”. Clarke felt a deep sense of peace as her father kissed her forehead.

And she lay there, holding onto Lexa with one hand, and onto her dad, who was sitting in a rocking chair beside her bed, with the other, she decided that the Judge had been right. Transcendence was not for her. Her last thought before sleep consumed her was that she would never be worthy of transcendence, because given a choice, she would choose love over transcendence every time.

Chapter Text

Clarke woke up with tears of frustration leaking out of the corner of her eyes, sliding down over her cheeks, down her chin, into the creases of her neck. When she sat up her head felt heavy, much like her heart. This was the sixth day in a row that Lexa had been missing. The absence after months of Lexa-filled dreams had been jarring on the first day and heartbreaking by the third. Today, Clarke felt completely crushed. She had wracked her brain about anything she might have done that made Lexa want to stay away, gone over each of their interactions minutely, over and over again and come up empty-handed. Lexa had been as happy, playful and loving the last time she’d seen her as she had been the first time she’d seen her. Clarke was now inclined to believe that the Judges had somehow decided that she’d had enough happiness and had snatched Lexa away from her, cruelly and without warning. They had perhaps seen that that Clarke could never regret forsaking Transcendence as long as she got to have Lexa, and occasionally Madi and Aden, and had decided to punish her to make her regret it.

She silently stalked through the camp, fists balled at her sides, tear tracks clearly visible on her cheeks, shrugging off every attempt to halt her and every friendly hand on her shoulder. In the end, they let her go and no one followed her out of the camp. They had all borne witness to her devastation and frustration for the past week, how she had wilted a little bit more each day. Most of them had been dubious about her assertions that her Lexa had returned to her in her dreams, simply choosing to believe that this was her mind’s way of giving Clarke the happy ending she’d been robbed off, except Raven who had declared that since she fell onto Earth in a makeshift pod, she disbelieved nothing and Indra who was convinced that Lexa was exceptional enough to defy even Alien species. But regardless, most of them had been happy for her, Clarke had started looking happy again, had started laughing again, and no matter what they personally believed of her dreams, they didn’t begrudge her that. These past few days they had witnessed Clarke cracking little by little, crumbling each day. Abby had even privately consulted Indra to see if there were any safe hallucinogens for Clarke to take that would let her dream once again.

Clarke sat in the middle of a shallow stream with her pants sopping wet. Her throat was scratchy, making it difficult to swallow. Clarke had just finished screaming herself hoarse. She’d screamed for Lexa, for her little family, she’d cursed the Judges, and eventually she’d devolved into incoherent yelling. Now she was completely spent, feeling nothing but the gentle push of the water currents against her body. She had to mourn Lexa for a second time. She was not sure she would survive this. She’d learned of broken heart syndrome in her biology lessons on the Ark, such a surge of stress hormones that it triggered heart-failure. She’d been practically living on stress hormones for most of her time on Earth, she was sure, but this, this might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Just as she was about to start yelling again, she heard someone call out.

“Klark”

She stood up and whirled around, eyes wide. It was impossibly, inexplicably Lexa, standing at the banks of the stream, her eyes soft, her form soft and glowing with happiness. Clarke’s mind was racing with possibilities. Maybe she’d fallen asleep in the stream and was about to drown any minute, she couldn’t bring herself to care. She refused to take her eyes off Lexa or move a single muscle, fearful that if she so much as breathed too hard, the image of Lexa would waver, lost to her forever, once again. She would stand here immobile for a century with whisp of Lexa rather than move and have to live without her.

Seeing Clarke refusing to move, Lexa slowly began to wade into the water. When she was in front of her and Clarke still refused to move, she gently took Clarke’s hands in both of her own and squeezed them. Clarke seemed to sputter back to life. She wrenched her hands out of Lexa’s and instead cupped her face. After several aborted attempts to speak, she settled on breathing out an awed, “Lexa”. Clarke could see Lexa’s eyes running over her face, clocking the red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Klark”, she whispered, regret and pain threaded into each word.

“Where were you, I… I don’t know, I thought I’d lost you forever again”

“I’m sorry Klark” she whispered once again, before a brilliant radiant smile took over her face, “I was not lost to you Klark, instead I was returning to you, forever. I was fighting for our someday”. She placed her hands over Clarke’s on her face, “Our Someday begins today, Klark”

Clarke spluttered for several minutes again, before settling on a choked “What”

“Each time I returned to the Transcendent realm from your dreams, I would have a hard time merging back, my soul is linked to yours Klark, and it does not like being away from you. It just kept getting harder each time. And because all the souls are merged, my discomfort caused them discomfort. Finally, the Judges approached me and decreed that I could not visit you any longer as it was detaching me from the realm and causing them personal discomfort. I refused to obey. I told them if they thought I was discomfiting them now, she should see what I would do if I was not allowed to see you anymore”. She grinned a strategist’s grin, a grin so reminiscent of a Lexa a long ago in a war tent, a grin that reminded her of how woefully inadequate the Ark’s understanding of war leaders had been.

“I refused to merge quietly and detached as much as I could, Klark. It is as if one of your limbs had suddenly gained autonomy and decided to wrench itself away from your body. They had to give in. They let me detach myself completely and told me that I could keep my corporeal form and memories, but that I could never return. I think its because memories you, of us, are so tightly woven with my soul that they wouldn't have been able to take it away without shattering my soul, which would have hurt them as well. And the condition for never returning is probablt to ensure that I've lost my transcendence forever”, she rolled her eyes, “as if I care about transcendence.” Clarke couldn’t help the little peal of disbelieving joy that broke out of her. Lexa’s grin softened into a gentle smile.

“You must understand that I didn’t simply abandon my natiblidas”. Clarke nodded, the idea was as unfathomable to her as it was to Lexa. Lexa continued, “Most of them had merged completely and they were content, I couldn’t steal that from them. But I fought for Madi and Aden, their souls had begun detaching slightly as well”

Clarke whipped her head around wildly, when she spotted no trace of Madi or Aden, she concluded that that was one victory Lexa hadn’t been able to get. Her joy dimmed a little, but the grief was considerably lighter to bear because she had Lexa, strong,stoic Lexa, to bear it with her. She turned to face Lexa and slowly rested her forehead against Lexa’s, her hands were still cupping her face, and whispered, “It’s ok, getting to see them again was more than I could ever have hoped for. I have you now”

Lexa frantically shook her head, “No Klark, I got them!” she practically yelled in sheer joy. Clarke’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I had already gotten too many victories, so they couldn’t simply concede Madi and Aden to me, but the threat of me refusing to detach fully and causing them annoyance forever was imminent. I would have already been in agony without you, and I couldn’t leave without them, so I would just stay and cause them daily annoyance. They finally gave in and decided that Madi and Aden could leave, but only with their essence intact, not their corporeal form or memories like me and that I would be punished for my transgressions with pain.”

Clarke’s brow furrowed further in displeasure, but Lexa shook her head and forcibly detached one of Clarke’s hands from her face to guide them to her stomach. “The pain of childbirth, twice over”. Clarke’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She continued to gape for several minutes. Lexa giggled softly, “I think they were just glad to be rid of me at that point”

“You’re pregnant?”

“Essentially, yes”

“With Madi and Aden?”

“With their essences, they may not turn out exactly like they were before”, Lexa’s grip tightened over Clarke’s hand on her stomach

“With Madi and Aden?” Clarke stubbornly insisted.

Lexa shook her head and gave in with a smile, “Yes, with Madi and Aden”

Clarke had learnt about Broken Heart syndrome but not about the Heart Orgasm Syndrome she was sure she was currently experiencing. Perhaps, it was a rare syndrome that only occurred when one’s long dead soulmate came back to life, after fighting against a godlike alien species, pregnant with their children.

Clarke pulled Lexa into a deep kiss, which broke just as Lexa was beginning to reciprocate enthusiastically. “Wait, did I hurt you when I slammed into you just now? Shit, are the babies ok?”

Lexa rolled her eyes. And lifted a hand to the back of Clarke’s neck to pull her back in, for a kiss.

Clarke’s last thought before she lost herself, to the kiss and to Lexa, was that she’d forsaken transcendence, found a happy ending and in the process learnt that transcendence was overrated, and living, not just surviving, could never be.

The End