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It was late. Way too late for someone to be knocking at her door. Sol opened her eyes and stared at the wall of her room, releasing a sigh, and then got out of bed with some effort. Her body ached, it told her to get back into the comfort of her bed and surrender to sleep again but the knocking was insistent.
She opened the door and was met with Jiwan. The girl was still wearing her pajamas and looked as if she had run there.
“Are you okay? What happened?” Sol asked, her eyes reflecting the worry she was feeling. It wasn’t uncommon for Jiwan to show up unexpectedly but it usually was when she had drunk too much and Bitna or someone else brought her there at her request.
“I’m okay, I just…” Jiwan looked down at her feet, unable to meet Sol’s eyes.
“Come in, it’s cold outside,” Sol moved to the side and let Jiwan walk past her towards the couch.
Jiwan sat down and covered her face with her hands. Sol’s instincts told her to try to comfort her immediately so she put a hand on the other girl’s back and moved it up and down to soothe her.
“Did something happen?”
“I’ve just… been thinking,” Jiwan removed her hands but kept looking in front of her. Sol’s hands were like fire on her back and if she met her eyes then she didn’t know what she would do.
“Okay…” Sol’s tone was soft, as it always was, especially when it came to Jiwan.
“About what happened the other day, the other night,” Jiwan turned her face towards Sol, her eyes closed, as if she was processing what to say next.
“You don’t have to say anything, you know I would never force you to do anything you’re not ready to,” Sol was quick to try and reassure her. “And I know it takes time, it wasn’t easy for me either. Sometimes it still isn’t.”
Jiwan opened her eyes. They were red, as if she had been crying or spent the whole night awake. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“But… you look so okay. And confident.”
“I just got used to it, I guess. It’s like once it clicked what it was that I was feeling, I could finally deal with it. Process it better, instead of denying it.”
Jiwan looked down at her hands. They felt terribly empty without Sol’s intertwined with them, so she took the taller girl’s hands that were resting on her knees and played with her fingers. Sol always made her feel better, safe, and her touch never failed to make her feel warm inside.
“I’m nervous. Everything feels so new and it’s so confusing.”
“I understand,” Sol whispered. “You should take as much time as you need,” Sol smiled at her reassuringly. “And you can talk to me if you want. I’ll listen to you and help in any way I can.”
“You’re so good to me,” Jiwan smiled too, her eyes teary.
“You’re good to me, too. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but hearing you scream my name every morning is the highlight of my day, even if I don’t show it too much.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Jiwan released a breath and leaned closer, hugging the other girl and resting her head on her chest. Sol’s hands started caressing her hair and Jiwan played with the hem of her shirt. After a few moments, she spoke.
“When did you realise?”
Sol hummed, she was falling asleep again. “What?”
“How did you realise you… liked girls?” Jiwan looked up at her.
“I don’t think there was a specific moment, it was more a series of signs, I guess.” Sol tightened her arms around Jiwan’s body. “At school, after P.E. class, I always got very ashamed when girls started to get changed so I would just turn the other way. That was the first sign. Then, I could never picture myself dating a guy, but at the time I just thought I was not meant for relationships, or that I hadn’t met the right one yet. I also always found myself more captivated by the female form when looking at art…”
“So, you’ve known it since high-school. Why didn’t you tell me?” Jiwan ran the tips of her fingers along Sol’s arms, seeing the way she left goosebumps as she moved.
“I was scared. Of you not wanting to be near me anymore. Of finding new friends and leaving me behind. Somehow, dealing with it with you by my side was better than not having you, even if I couldn’t tell you.”
Jiwan sighed. Sol knew she felt burdened, she had been there before, felt how scary it was to suddenly have all of those confusing feelings going around in your head.
“I just want to feel okay, I want to feel free to… love. However I want. Whoever I want.”
Sol stopped her hand movements and took Jiwan’s arms so she would sit up a bit, looking into her eyes. “I do too. All I can promise you is that you will never have to worry about losing me, and that it gets easier with time. The feeling of wrongness starts to fade away, the worry disappears, and you start to see it differently. You start to see it as it is, just… love, attraction, feelings.”
“You promise?” Jiwan’s eyes were filled with tears threatening to fall. Her hand looked for Sol’s and held it tightly.
“I promise.”
-x-
A few weeks later, things were getting busy with an upcoming exhibition. Everyone was running around trying to finish their pieces on time, spending whole nights awake, running on caffeine and adrenaline.
Sol huffed and took off her gloves. She closed her eyes for a moment and stretched her back. It was late at night and she was tired, way too tired. She stood up and started to put her things away, she then grabbed her backpack and turned off the studio’s lights. The exhibition was in two days and her piece was now ready, as perfect as she could get it to be.
She hated staying late but she also found some kind of pleasure in knowing that her tiredness was worth it. She walked towards her locker and put some things inside it, then turned to leave the building.
She wasn’t expecting to find Jiwan outside, smiling as bright as ever, holding two bags full of food.
“What are you doing here? It’s late.”
“I know, but you need to eat.”
“Were you waiting for me?” Sol walked towards her and Jiwan immediately held her arm like she always did.
“I went to buy some materials, took them home, worked on it a bit, then went to buy food and came here. I saw you were still working and I didn’t want to disturb you so I just stayed outside for a bit.”
“You didn’t have to. You’ve been working hard too, you should sleep.”
“It’s not a bother. I like hanging out with you.”
They slowly made their way to Sol’s apartment. Luckily, it wasn’t too far away and soon enough they were sitting on the floor of her living-room, already changed into more comfortable clothes.
The food was good. Jiwan always knew what to get for Sol depending on her mood and even if she always stole half of it, Sol could never get angry at her.
They ate in silence, exchanging glances and giggles as they watched their favourite show together. The tiredness washed away, their muscles relaxed and they felt as if they could finally enjoy some downtime after weeks of stress and work.
They threw the empty containers away and washed the dishes. Sol stretched her back and finished putting everything away. “We should sleep now, it’s late.”
“Yeah.” Jiwan looked down at the hand Sol had offered her and took it. Sol led them to the bathroom and they brushed their teeth together, then made their way to Sol’s room.
Jiwan laid down first and got under the covers, waiting for Sol to turn off the lights and get into bed so she could cuddle up to her like she always did. She got her best night’s sleep in her arms.
“Are you okay? Do you want another blanket?” Sol asked as she opened her arms for Jiwan.
“No, it’s perfect like this,” Jiwan breathed in Sol’s scent, her citrusy perfume, the soft smell from her clean shirt.
“Okay. Good night.” Sol left a sleepy kiss on the crown of the other girl’s head and closed her eyes, sleep finally catching up to her.
Jiwan was frozen there, she felt safe and warm but she didn’t want to sleep yet. Not when there was something she wanted to say.
“Sol…” she whispered in case she was asleep. “Are you awake?”
“Hm.”
“I remember,” Jiwan confessed.
“What?” Sol still had her eyes closed.
“I remember that night… after the games, when you took me to bed.”
“Oh,” Sol slowly looked down at Jiwan but the other girl wasn’t looking at her.
“I remember telling you you are my favourite person, I also remember asking you to only like me, I remember how my heart soared when you implied you might like me too, and I remember how fast your heart beat against your chest.”
Sol didn’t answer. Jiwan whispered again, a smile on her lips. “I can feel it now, too.”
“Um-”
“And I remember the kiss.”
Sol stopped squirming and looked at her, a confused expression on her face.
“I know I shouldn’t have done it then but everything in my body was screaming for you. And I was stupid cause I was drunk and you were upset and I should have waited.”
Sol’s whole world came crashing down then. She really thought Jiwan had forgotten the kiss they had shared. It had just been a swift press of lips but it had still made her heart stop and start and dance and soar and break all at the same time. Jiwan had pressed her lips against hers for a second and then fell asleep, leaving Sol’s mind a mess all night.
“I should have waited then… cause I should’ve done it right. I want to do it right.” Jiwan lifted her head and looked into Sol’s eyes. The same eyes she had seen for almost every single day since they became friends in middle school. The same eyes that encouraged her when she was feeling down. The same eyes that she had spent so much time looking at she could draw them from memory. The same eyes that were staring into her own now, full of fear and yearning and hope.
Jiwan searched for Sol’s hand and brought it to her lips, kissing her knuckles softly.
“So, if you let me, I would like to kiss you now. Cause I’m dying to feel your lips with the whole of me, and to not wake up wondering whether I just dreamt it while my head hurts because of a stupid hangover.”
Jiwan’s eyes were dark and shiny and overflowing with hope and sincerity, and Sol had always been weak for her. So she just tightened her hold on her hand and nodded almost imperceptibly. She felt as if she were floating, as if she was losing touch with reality and slipping into Jiwan’s world.
Jiwan brought her other hand up and touched Sol’s eyebrow, then her cheek and chin. “Pretty,” she mumbled, almost as if she didn’t know she was saying it out loud.
Sol was dying in anticipation, her hands felt sweaty and a warmth started to spread from the places where the smaller girl was touching her all the way to her toes. Jiwan’s lips were soft, softer than she remembered them. This kiss was longer and it made her head spin at a speed it never had before. Sol pressed her free hand against Jiwan’s waist and brought her impossibly closer, her other one still holding the other’s hand.
Jiwan’s breath tickled against her lips and cheeks when they broke the kiss. A soft giggle escaped both their mouths and it was so damn hard to stay apart when they had already tasted the stars with each other.
Sol used her arms to push herself off the bed and switch their positions. She looked down at Jiwan, her perfect hair framing her beautiful face, the way her eyes dodged hers as if she was embarrassed, the way her lips parted waiting for Sol to kiss her again.
Sol got closer, her forehead touching Jiwan’s, her breath caressing her lips. “I don’t think I can ever stop myself from kissing you now.”
“Good thing you don’t have to.”
Sol met her eyes and nuzzled her nose with hers before crashing her lips against hers again with a newfound vigour. She felt Jiwan part her lips and match her movements and the kiss went on and on and on and on. It felt feverish and perfect and neither of them knew before that moment how much a kiss could make you feel when it was with the right person.
-x-
Sol woke up first. It didn’t take long for the memories of the night before to come to her. A hand instinctively touched her own lips, as if the tips of her fingers could somehow retrace where Jiwan’s had been and emulate the feeling. She looked down at the other girl’s sleeping form, all tiny and cuddled against her side as she always did when they shared a bed, and smiled to herself. She probably only got a few hours of sleep but she wasn’t tired at all, she felt light and happy and excited for the future.
She caressed Jiwan’s soft hair and watched her stir until she opened her eyes. Sol smiled at her and hugged her closer to her body, giggling in her ear, and Jiwan was sure that was what heaven felt like. She let a laugh out too, it was impossible not to when she felt so content.
“Good morning,” Sol whispered against her ear, sending shivers down Jiwan’s neck all the way to her back.
“Good morning,” Jiwan said back, creating some distance between them so she could look at her. “Did you sleep well?”
“Best sleep of my life,” Sol smiled.
Jiwan leaned down, hesitated for a moment and then kissed Sol good morning. She had secretly hoped for this for so long but was always quick to push those feelings down. To now feel free to kiss her whenever she wanted felt like discovering you have superpowers. “I’ll never get tired of this,” she confessed.
“Me neither.” Sol pushed Jiwan down against the mattress and left soft and quick kisses on her lips, her cheeks, her closed eyes, her jaw and neck. “We should probably eat something, though.”
“No,” Jiwan whined. “Let’s just stay here all day.” She crossed her arms behind Sol’s neck and brought her closer to kiss her again.
“I’d love to but I’m hungry and it’s late already.” Sol got out of bed and offered her hand to Jiwan. “Come on, sleepyhead, I’ll cook you some breakfast.”
“Waffles?” Jiwan took it and sprang to her feet, tiptoeing to peck Sol’s lips for the nth time.
“Whatever you want,” Sol smiled as the other girl hurried out of the room and into the kitchen.