Work Text:
1) Throwing Quirk Restrains at Endeavor
Endeavour:... (walking by)
Jeanist: (holding the quirk restrain gloves) .... (looks at Endeavours flames)
Endeavour: (not noticing the eyes on him) ...
Jeanist: YEETTTTTT!!! (pitches them at him hard)
Endeavour: OOOF! (gets hit on the face by them)
everyone around:......
Jeanist:... oh, it didnt work
Endeavour:..... -m- (angryyy)
Jeanist: (slowly picks it up again) hmm.... seems slightly melted....
Katsuki: Um Tsunagu?
Jeanist: YEEET!!!! (pitches it again and runs of)
Katsuki: TSUNAGUUUU!!! (runs with him)
Endeavour: BEST JEANISSSSSTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!
2) Courtroom Moment (after Aizawa's talk)
Aizawa: Katsuki is one of the few students who can I trust to know his own limitations and deal with danger accordingly...
Katsuki: (staring at floor) wut a beautiful floor
Kiri:??
Katsuki:.... Swallow me quick
floor: no can do, buddy
katsuki: FUCK YOU
Everyone: wtffff?
3) Chapter 2 Ending Note
Mitsuki: My son is violent and hitting him is a good idea to solve this and definitely not teaching him violence is an appropriate reaction to frustration.
Tsunagu, shoving Katsuki into his pocket: I'm sorry but someone just called and I have to go right now immediately.
4) Pro-Hero (& Naomasa) Chatroom (Part 1)
Best Jeanist: how the fuck do i correctly kidnap a child
Snipe: Kill their parents and tell the kid that they were actually monsters sent to pretend to be their parents.
Midnight: Candy or ice cream will get most kids on your side, just make sure you let them pick the flavor.
Thirteen: Maintaining a polite and calm demeanor will encourage the child to trust you.
Naomasa: … Kidnappings are usually committed by family members or someone close to the child so if you’re going to frame someone, I’d recommend using that.
Gang Orca: Just claim they’re your kid, fake DNA test results, and absolutely deny what anyone says to the contrary.
Ectoplasm: Not announcing your intentions in a group chat full of pro-heroes is also probably helpful.
Eraserhead: so were just going to ignore the fact that all of us were ready to assist with a crime no questions asked?
Midnight: You say that as if you weren’t just as willing.
Gang Orca: Listen, normally I’m firmly against illegal activity but if it’s bad enough that it got Best Jeanist cursing then I don’t need to ask any questions beyond “do you need me to come help?”
Gang Orca: I’ve never seen him this pissed before so I’m going with whatever he says.
Snipe: Yeah the lack of proper punctuation and capitalization is enough to convince me on it’s own.
5) Pro-Hero (& Naomasa) Chatroom (Part 2)
Hawks: I’ll just throw it out there that I know a few people who know a few vigilantes
Hawks: None of whom need much more than getting pointed in the right direction
Best Jeanist: don’t tempt me.
6) Chapter 5 (Just read the start... No Questions Asked)
Jeanist: (reads the list)
Jeanist:.....
Jeanist: deep breaths, Tsunagu...
Jeanist:....
Jeanist: (looks at the list)
Jeanist: Hawks, u said u knew some vigilantes?
Hawks: Hell ya
Other Pros: TSUNAGU, NO!
7) Chapter 7 (I dont even need to tell you guys... Just read Chapter 7 again... But I'll Highlight the stuff I find funny here)
Jeanist: Shows DA LIST
gang Orca: shit
Hawks: okay i know aizawa already said no vigilantes but hear me out
Snipe: Listen, I’m not saying that this is a case where we oughta take the law into our own hands, I’m just saying that lots of people use guns and anyone could be a sniper.
Snipe: So if they were to be killed or badly injured by a sniper in a hypothetical situation, hell we’d probably never be able to find out who it was.
Eraserhead: (locks himself in the toilet) LET ME DIEEEEEEE
Mic: shouta, plz dont
Eraserhead: IM A FAILLUUREEE
Pros: Eraserhead, NO!
8) Ending Note Chapter 7
Kirishama: Kats! pick your battles.
Katsuki: (picks a LOT of options for fights)
Kirishima: um...pick… pick fewer battles than that.
Katsuki: (looks dwn at the options in his arms and reluctantly puts one away)
Kirishima: put some battles back. that’s too many
Katsuki: But-
Kirishima: No buts! go rest plz
Katsuki: QmQ
9) KUgo & Tsunagu Talk bout Katsu
Jeanist: So... I wanna adopt Katsuki
Kugo: wait a sec, you havent done that already?
Jeanist: huh?
kugo:.... oh well, he'll say yes
jeanist: really?
kugo: have fun! make sure u tell him bout his awesome uncle
(many weeks later)
jeanist: KUGO! THIS ISNT FUNNY! DONT BRING KATSUKI INTO A BAR!
Kugo: I didnt! He got lost!
Jeanist: YOUR GROUNDED!
Katsuki: me?
Jeanist:No, Kugo
Katsuki:.... (THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMAREEEEEEEEE)
Katsuki:... ok
10) Ninja Phase
Jeanist: So, I wanna pick up ur stuf at ur place
Katsuki: ok
Jeanist: give a list?
Katsuki: Sure.. Oh, tehre are traps that might cut ur finger
Jeanist: O_O.... Why?
Katsuki: Ninja Phase
Jeanist:... elaborate, son
Katsuki: Near Death games... no biggie
Jeanist: How r u alive?
Katsuki: immortal
Jeanist:... (turns on group chat) GUYS!! MY SON HAD A NINJA PHASE
midnight: thats great! there should be cute pictures!
Jeanist: ur reading it wrong, midnight... i meant it as a 'im freaking out rn' mesage
everyone:???
jeanist: he’s referring apparently not to the usual outfits or dramatic scenes played out with friends, but instead to the dodging deadly projectiles and traps side of things
everyone:,....
eairaserhead: u.a teachers... halloween
mic: we dont speak about halloween, Shouta (covers erasrheads mouth)
u.a teacher: oh... halloweeen (shivers in fear)
Jeanist: i am concerned...
Jeanist: anway, he can fly btw
Hawks: He can fly?
everyone: (starts talking bout their theories of Katsuki flying)
Hawks: So if I have my wings an his su[er strrong explosions...
everyone: hawks, NO
katsuki:.... um... tsunagu? theres a chicken out ur window
hawks: PLAY WITH ME
jeanist: NOOOOOOO
11) Thirteen vs Gang orca:
Thirteen: All of us here will also do what we can to support him, but having a proper home life will be very important for Katsuki going forward.
Thirteen: I firmly believe Tsunagu will be an excellent parent for Katsuki.
Thirteen: And no one here is going to say anything to the contrary :)
Gang Orca: Seconded.
Gang Orca: :)
Hawks: I honestly can’t tell which of you is scarier.
Eraserhead: its thirteen
Eraserhead: and im saying that knowing full well i can negate thirteens quirk without being able to do shit against kugo’s.
Present Mic: Yeah, I’m on Shouta’s wavelength here.
Present Mic: I’m just very glad Thirteen is a kind and sweet person that chose to become a hero.
Snipe: Agreed.
12) picking up the boxes
jeanist:..... we;re here
eraserhead;...goodluck
jeanist: (looks at his phone)
Katsuki Bakugou: One box is in the ceiling. Treating the ceiling tiles as a grid with 0,0 being the corner with the desk, move tile 3,4 to the right (oriented towards the door) about an inch. Once it clicks into place, move it towards the window by about half an inch. This unlocks tile 2,6. Move 2,6 upwards by 4.5 inches and it will also lock into place. In the ceiling above that tile which should now be accessible, there’s a rafter. The box is behind the rafter, just out of sight but reachable.
Katsuki Bakugou: The second box requires unscrewing the vent in the closet where there’s a piece of metal taped to the top. It should be weirdly chipped and look like scrap, but it can be used to unlock the third floorboard from the wall under the foot of the desk that’s closest to the door. Just run it alongside the far edge starting from the foot until it catches. Don’t push it down or use force until it catches.
Katsuki Bakugou: Once that’s done, the floorboard comes up to revel a small space with three wooden rods running along the bottom. From the wall outwards, push the first rod towards the window by 2 inches, the second should be left alone, and the third should be pulled towards the door by an inch. Once that’s done, the board doorwards of the foot of the bed will be unlocked and the second box is in there.
jeanist:..... wtf am i reading?
earasehead: wut up? need help?
jeanist: yes plz (shows the messages)
eraserhead;.... well shit
(they spend 3 hours trying to figure out the thing without hurting themselves while the bakugou couple standing at the ground floor, confused of why theyre taking so long)
12) Tsunagu & Deku
Jeanist: a kid
eraserhead:..not a normal kid
jeanist: whos kid?
eraserhead: izuku midoriya...
eraserhead: YEETSSSSS
jeanist: hey kid
deku: is kacchan ok?
jeanist: uhh yeah?
deku:... good... u hurt him, i kill u
jeanist: ok....
deku: and i'll have all my friends help make u suffer and hide ur body
jeanist:.... O_O.... (eraser why did u run without teling me???)
meanwhile;
eraserhead: (creating a shrine fror jeanist) RIP, Tsunagu
13) After Katsuki nearly hurts himself with his quirk
Tsunagu: go rest kid
katsuki:... but im not tried
tsunagu: yes u r... please...?
katsuki:... ok dad
(once katsuki is away)
tsunagu: tell me u have a plan to kill her cuz i wanna go kill rn
eraserhead: we all wanna kill her
pro-heros: no questions asked
eraserhead: but i have a plan
pro-heroes: awww
eraserhead: a GREAT plan (crazed smile)
everyone: yay
katsuki:???
14) 1-A Chatroom (part 1)
jirou: guys, check tv
everyone in 1-a: (checks out tv)
yaoyarozu:... his mom?
uraraka: wtf is going on?
ashido:.... i dunno? where blasty?
kaminari:??? jeanist taking blasty? why?
sero: ?? why???
Bakusquad: *mental breakdown
ashido: waitwaitwait a sec! wtf? wut is she saying? SHE SAYING HE WANTS TO BE A HERO?? AHHHH
iida: guys... wuts going on? (still cant find a tv)
yaoyarozu: bakus mom is a bitch
ashido: SHE SAID HE WANTS TO JOIN THEM WILLINGLY???
todoroki: being dragged in BY THE NECK doesnt seem willingly tho
uraraka: WTF?? OFC HE DIDNT!
kaminari: wiat, wheres blasty? is he wacthing?
bakusquad: *2nd mental breakdown
todoroki: guys... mido aint picking up his phone....
dekusquad: *mental breakdown
kiri: GUYS!! BLASTYS OK! he says wanna meet later
bakusquad: *sighs in relief
uraraka: SHE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT BOUT ME!
Iida: calm down plz
yaoyarozu: i wannna sue these assholes, WHERE IS THEIR CONTACT nUMBERR?????
iida: CALM DOWN PLZZZZ
katsuki: (staring at all the messages) wtf....
deku: hey guys! im ok!
dekusquad: *sighs in relief'
everyone: sooo?>
deku: cant tell ya
deku: but kacchans fine
everyone: *sighs in relief
Baku:.... guys, i swear.. stop freaking out
everyone: BAKUGOU!!!!
baku: maybe not call me taht
everyone:,... oh right.. KATSUKIIII
baku: O////O W-Wiat! STOP!!!
Tsunagu: virtual hugs have been piling onto him.. how cute
15) Bathroom
Todo:... calm down
Baku: ok... thanks.... oh.. i know bout ur dad
Todo:.. oh
Baku: if it makes u feel better.. jeanist threw my quirk restrain gloves at him in the face
Todo:... oh?
Baku: twice
Todo: u made my day
16) Stage Moments
baku: ALL HAIL DA AWESOME ME, MOTHERFUCKERSSSS
everyone: DAMNNN HES O COOLL
baku: so wuts the questions?
random dude: uhh... so...
(imma skip a bunch of interviews featuring badass katsuki & awestruck viewers)
tsunagu: (comes on stage with a grin)
baku: he my dad! my fav dad
tsunagu: :))
everyone: awww
random dude: so, when did u first meet?
baku: so i was a kid
tsunagu:???
baku: dubass who asked jeanist if he can kill with his hair
everyone: wtfffff
baku: then i asked for his aitograph
everyone:...... O_o (r we just gonna forget the fact the first thing he asked is about killing someone with their own hair?)
baku: i even still have it
everyone: aww (completely forgot it)
baku: QwQ (mission accomplished!)
tsunagu:... y did u even ask me that?
baku: tell ya later, promise
16) Pro-heros (& Naomasa )Chatroom (part 2 or is it 3..? not keeping count)
mic: just wanna say something
everyone:???
mic: THANK YO FOR TELLUNG HIM TO NIX THE SWORDSSSS (bows down to Tsunagu)
teachers of ua: THANK YOU
hawks: but why not? swords r cool af
everyone: which is why u can never play with katsuki without parent suppervision!
hawks: try me mfs!
katsuki: hey dad! the chicken from last time is wanting to play swords with me! imma go, ok?
Jeanist: HAWKS, NO
hawks: HAWKS YESSSSSS
17) Meeting kiri
Jeanist:....
kiri: hi, im-
Jeanist: (strips him of his clothes & burns them right there)
Jeanist: BURNNNNNNN
kiri: (literally in his underwear) uhhhhh
katsu: (gives his jacket) told ya to nix those clothes...
kiri: those were my fav tho...
gang orca: JEANIST NO
jeanist: JEANIST YESSSS
news reporter: breaking news, No 4 Pro Hero, Best Jeanist commiting Arson in his own building... He says the murder of Mix-matched Crocks is an act of God that must be approved of...
snipe: (wearing mix-matched crocks) aww man....
18) Channel 7 (we dont talk about CHannel 7 much guys...)
mitsuki: my son GAYYY
everyone: GASPPPP
katsu: FUCK YEAH I AMM
everyone: *claps
mitsuki:... HES A BULLY
everyone: GASPPPPP
katsu:... i am.....
everyone:.... oh no....
tsunagu: dont cry son!
deku: FUCK U LADY!! AHHHHHHHH (attempts genocide)
civilians: u not gonna stop him
pro heros: nah... she deserves it
deku: HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME! U MADE HIM LIKE THAT! FUCK U!
everyone: gassppppp
mitsuki:.....
katsu: QwQ Zuku!
18) Sleepover
Deku: YAY
Katsu: YAY *yawns
Deku: SLEEP SLEEP
Katsu: SLEEP SLEEP
Jeanist: omg... u dont have to announce ur sleeping time to the world
bkdk: SLEEP SLEEPPPP
Jeanist:... regretts... I have a few....
19) Going into Court
Katsu: FUCK MY EYES
Deku:.. how can i fuck ur eyes?
Tsunagu: no talking about fucking u 2
bkdk: yes dad
hawks: MOVVVEE BITCH! GET OUT DA WAY, BITCH!
katsu;: CHicken!
hawks: hey hatchling!
tsunagu: omg no....
20) 1-A Chatroom (Part 2)
Katsu: hey guys
everyone: hey
Katsu: going into court now
Katsu: wish me luck!
everyone: good luck
uraraka: if it doesnt go well, i can help u hide teh bodies
everyone: yay!
katsu: teh fact u all r accepting this is kinda concerning..
everyone: *grinning
katsu: god i love u idiots :))
22) In Court
Tsunagu: gtg
Katsu: ok....
Tsunagu:.... :( (hugs)
Katsu: (sees his mom) (freaks out)
kiri:!!!!
aizawa: (hugs him) its ok, katsu
katsu: (hides in his scarf)
tsunagu:... boo....
aizawa: hehe
Katsu: :)
23) The Immortal Bakugou Katsuki
Katsu: I got trapped in a cave when i was 7
Katsu: Nearly drowned btw.. pretty sick
Katsu: oh and I did a few traps in an abandoned house, tripwries and shit
Katsu: All self taught, u know... no shitty intructors! best years of my lifee
Katsu: oh and i built my own metal boots
Katsu: and drew my hero costume details
Katsu: oh and theres this one time, me and izuku went to a villain hideout
Katsu: and thats how my childhood was like
everyone:.... ur childhoood?
katsu: yep! worse shit happened in highschool
everyone: HOW R U aLIVE??
Jeanist: (grabs Katsu, tosses him into a blanket, rolls him up, tosses him in a trunk of his car, drives off to a safe house, tossing him into a nice room, locking every single lock and pad before reentering the court and screaming) HES GROUNDED FOR 10 YEARS!!!
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