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Deep inside the mansion, Gon brings Neferpitou to Kite. Quiet and dark, he has hope. He knows that Kite is still alive. He’s alive. He knows this. Everything will be okay in the end. Gon waits. He waits in silence for Neferpitou to do something, anything, just so they can bring Kite back. He doesn’t expect for them to turn around and ask, ”Your name. What did you say your name was?”
Perplexed, he replies. “Gon. Gon Freecss.”
“Gon, you listened to my request. So, I will be honest with you.” Neferpitou pauses, “He is already dead.”
A quiet shadow envelopes Gon as soon as he hears this. “What?” In his disbelief, he just stares at Kite, or what remains of his body. “Dead?” He gasps as he watches Kite’s body fall in front of him, at the same time his whole world crumbles down in a blink of an eye.
Neferpitou continues to speak, and tries to explain what had happened. Everything Gon hears is muddled, as if he were drowning in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean. He can’t breathe, and he can’t hear. Dead? How can Kite be dead? How can that be possible? That can't be true, right? It shouldn't be. It can’t be.
Everything is quiet.
Tears. Tears ceaselessly stream down his face. “His soul is no longer here. There is no way to heal him.” Neferpitou explains, almost like a whisper in the dark. They turn around to face Gon, face void of any emotion, “I’m sorry.” Gon falls to his knees and he’s drowning. He can’t do anything anymore. Gon can only stare at Kite’s unmoving body, unable to do anything.
“Kite… Kite is… dead.” Gon can no longer hear anything except for his own breathing as his memories of Kite rush back to him incessantly.
Gon feels himself shake. He's alone. He's all alone and there's no one to blame, but himself. “If I… If I hadn’t gone with him… Kite wouldn’t have died.” It's true. If he weren't such a brat, if he would’ve just left, this wouldn't have happened. “It was my—it was my fault. It was because I tagged along… It was really my fault. It’s my fault that Kite is…”
A part of Gon knows it's him. He was in the wrong. He was nothing but a selfish kid. But another part of him—another part of him denies this, anger swallowing him up. “No! It isn’t my fault! Pitou’s the one who killed him! Not me!”
“But it was me—it was me…” Gon’s breath hitches, “I killed Kite. It’s my fault…”
"No! It’s Pitou’s fault! ” It is a voice. A voice that sounds a lot like him, screaming in his head.
“But it’s really my fault.”
Gon remembers what he said to Killua, reassuring him that Kite is okay. Looking back, it seems as though he was trying to reassure himself and no one else. “Kite is alive! He wouldn’t ever let that thing beat him!” He denied Kite's death at the very beginning, denied the very idea that someone as strong as Kite had been murdered and it's all his fault. The walls are closing in on him, and he has no escape from this truth. “Kite is dead.” He repeats this over, and over, and over again as if to let the thought imprint on his mind. The more he repeats this ugly truth, the more his voice grows raw by the second.
“Someone help him! Kite is—Kite is… I can’t get him back to normal. Kite is gone… It's my fault. Someone help him—”
He grows restless. He knows it's not his fault. But, how could it be? It's all Pitou's fault. The chimera ant killed Kite for sport. For no reason at all. It wasn't his fault at all. It was Pitou’s fault!
“No! No! No! No! No!”
But, deep inside him, he knows that it is his fault. “But, but, but, but, but—” and what's worse was, he let it happen. He could've done something. If he were much stronger at that time, maybe he could've helped Kite. Maybe, he could've saved him; maybe, he could’ve lent a hand to Kite and he was able to dodge the attack, defeating Neferpitou right there and then.
Whatever Gon thought, whatever Gon said, none of it happened. This is his reality. At that time, he was not strong enough and he caused it. He was at fault. He— “Doctor Blythe.”
After what felt like hours, Gon’s empty eyes leave the ground as he finally lifts his head. “W-what? Pitou’s going to help?”
He watches silently for Dr. Blythe to emerge.
“Oh, it’s true… Kite being dead was a lie. Pitou will heal him.”
That's right. It was impossible for Kite to die. After all, he's Kite. He’s strong. So, he will wait for Pitou to heal him. They will heal him. They promised. But, to Gon's disappointment, he sees nothing of the sort. Instead, he sees Doctor Blythe tend Neferpitou’s broken arm. “Huh? Why is it healing Pitou’s arm? Turn Kite back to normal." He's so desperate. He wants this nightmare to stop. Please, make it stop. "Please. After you finish what you’re doing.” Heal Kite—goes unheard.
Gon waits. He waits, and waits, and waits for Doctor Blythe to finish, hoping that Pitou would command it and help Kite, heal him from the puppet he had become. Maybe, the mangled body right in front of him was just sleeping. Maybe, Kite fell into a deep slumber. Or, maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was an illusion of some sorts and the real Kite was trapped somewhere, but safe. He must be safe, he has to be.
When Doctor Blythe vanishes, Gon waits as his tears continue to descend. He waits. Pitou opens their mouth, but Gon hears nothing. As they speak, he only catches a few words, "I'm sorry" and "Kill".
Gon doesn't understand. "You must… kill me? You aren't going to heal him?" He asks in a small voice, staring at the figure in front of him as he feels his insides shake in an uproar, in anger. "Then, you really aren't going to heal Kite…?" He wishes that Pitou were lying but, the way they stood already showed that they were being serious.
Something grows inside Gon. This anger that he never dared to touch, this pain that he never dared to gaze into. It grows and grows, until it devours his very being. An unimaginable darkness devours him. He has to do something about this. It's all his fault after all. It's his fault Kite got killed. It's his fault. He was a selfish brat that came along, looking for adventure. But, it ends up leading him to this point of no return.
Nothing mattered anymore.
"I don't care if this is the end…" He says, as he changes into something he is not. The boy that he once was, is gone. He's nothing but an empty shell consumed with pain, grief and anger. He can't do anything anymore to save Kite. But, maybe this will do it. Maybe, he can throw everything away. Maybe, this is the answer. "So, I'll use everything."
Gon screams at the top of his lungs.
He's gone.
He's nothing but a silhouette that looked nothing like the person he once was, swinging a fist, bloodied from countless punches, downward on the skull of an already-broken Pitou for the final, finishing blow.
"Kite… I finished the job, the way you taught me to. So—" please, come back . Gon shakes at the sight of Pitou's disfigured body before him.
He did this. And, he feels nothing except for the pain growing tirelessly in his body. Even though he had done this, there is no satisfaction in his heart. There is nothing at all.
"Gon, is that you?" A soft voice, too familiar for him to ignore, calls out his name. Gon never thought he'd hear that voice again. He's glad he did, before he fades into nothingness. Before he falls into a bottomless pit.
He turns around, tears streaming down his face. "Killua…" he whispers.
The boy—Killua, he shouldn't be here. Why is he here? It isn’t safe. Did he—? Did Killua see what he had done? Would Killua still call him his friend? Gon stares down at his hands, blood-stained and bruised. He can't feel anything anymore. He only knows that Killua shouldn't be here. It's dangerous, if Killua were gone, too—Gon wouldn't know what to do if that were to happen. He can't imagine it. He has to do something. He has to keep Killua safe.
His anxiety is at its peak, almost not realizing the shadow looming behind him. He can't feel anything anymore. Not even when he finds his right arm severed and Killua pushing him away from Pitou's soulless body. But, the moment Gon feels Killua's hands on his skin, the deathly coldness that he has been feeling fades into a familiar warmth—Killua's warmth.
He watches Killua's eyes widen in fear, in horror and in such sadness. Gon's angry at himself. He remembers that he had said hurtful things to Killua a while back. He wants to make it right. He has to make it right. But, it seems that he's running out of time. Maybe, he can protect Killua instead. Maybe, that will be enough, even though he knows. He knows it isn’t.
Both Gon and Killua had planned so many adventures in the future. Gon promised, but he's breaking all of them. He had to. It's his fault, anyway. He has to do this. There is no other way. No other way at all. He doesn't have enough time to apologize. Gon has to do something. Has to keep him safe. So he whispers, only loud enough for Killua to hear, "It's okay," he pauses, memorizing every single detail of Killua's face. His best friend and the most precious human being in his life. If Killua's face is the last thing that he sees before dying, then that's okay. That's enough for him. "It doesn't hurt. I'm not trying to be tough. I'm kind of… happy. I finally got to be the same as Kite was then."
"Gon…"
“I feel like I've been redeemed."
He leaps high in the air, with an intent so strong, it’s the only thing in his mind. He has to finish this once and for all. He has to do it. He has no choice. This is the only way to set things right.
He screams with all the anger, all the pain, all the sadness he can muster. "You can have my right arm.” He says, staring straight into Neferpitou’s mutilated body. He starts,
“First comes rock."
"Gon—”
"It's time for you to sleep." Gon pauses, "Rock. Paper."
"Gon!" When Killua calls him one last time, Gon can’t help but look back. But, it’s too late. At least in the end, Killua is the last person he sees before he fades away.
You don't have to worry, Killua. I'm sorry, I broke my promise. I'm sorry I hurt you from before. I'm sorry. But, I have to go. I—