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“You have got to be kidding me.”
The plan originally was for Akutagawa and Chuuya to go out for dinner. It had taken a lot of planning to make sure both of their schedules were free (and convincing Akutagawa was a challenge on it’s own). After doing all of this, of course the shitty mackerel had to ruin it.
~;~
Atsushi almost cries. What were the chances?! There were two huge problems, the first being Chuuya and Dazai. Atsushi has to go through the suffering, the torture of having to experience their arguments(?) . Atsushi debates daily whether Soukoku is arguing or just sexually deprived of each other. It’s honestly very hard to tell.
The second problem is that Akutagawa is also here which will just add fuel to the fire of Soukoku’s bickering. He regrets going with Dazai to dinner. What possessed him to make this decision?!
Atsushi realizes quickly that while he was deep in thought, Dazai has already made the situation worse because he drags (literally) Chuuya over to the snug booth. Akutagawa follows along, unable to leave his senpai, and extremely excited to see his former senpai here. Atsushi almost facepalms. Everyone here are absolute idiots.
~;~
“ Chuuya~, what are you doing here? I almost couldn’t see you! You should be grateful Akutagawa-kun was with you or else I would have missed you!”
“ You bastard--”
“ At least now that you’re here, we can make this a double date!” Chuuya shrieks.
But suddenly a “Jinko” echoes throughout the restaurant. All eyes shift to Akutagawa who is intensely staring at Atsushi. Atsushi gulps. If looks could kill, he would have died at least three times. Atsushi sheepishly smiles.
“A-Ah, hi, Akutagawa...and Chuuya-san.” Akutagawa finally decides that he’s done staring (Why put Atsushi through this intense fear?) and gracefully sits down, his hands in his lap.
“D-Dazai-san!” Akutagawa suddenly starts after two moments of silence. Atsushi almost jumps to his corner of the booth. “I-I hope you're having a good day!” He declares, hoping for a response, maybe even some approval. Dazai shrugs.
“I guess it’s going alright,” Dazai says, nonchalantly before turning to Chuuya. “Of course, it was all ruined when I saw this stupid chibi’s face!”
Atsushi narrows his eyes in confusion. ‘ Weren’t you the one who invited him to our table?! ” He resists the urge to bang his head against the table , and instead turns to Akutagawa. He’s hoping to be able to make conversation because he isn’t sure how long he can take Soukoku’s banter.
“Uh, so how’s your day going, Akutagawa?” Rashoumon is out in an instant, and is pointed against his throat. Chuuya and Dazai don’t bother stopping their argument, more like, they don’t seem to have even noticed the violence on the opposite side of the table.
“O-Oi! I wasn’t even going to attack you! It was just a question!” Atsushi desperately defends, waving his hands all about. Akutagawa gives him a suspicious look before hesitantly calling back Rashoumon. Atsushi is suddenly dead set on getting him and Akutagawa out of there as soon as possible.
Maybe he could try..talking sense into him? Yeah, no that’s definitely not possible. As powerful as Akutagawa is, he lacks common sense (as shown by his obsession towards Dazai). Atsushi quickly gives up all of his plans.
“Chuuya, why haven’t you become my dog yet?”
“ What is that supposed to mean?! ”
“Aren’t dogs supposed to live with their owners?” Dazai pouts.
“I’d rather die than live with you.”
“ Oh! Really?!” Dazai quickly puts his hands together and closes his eyes shut. “Chuuya, please commit a double suicide with me! ” Dazai’s head hits the wall behind him. Atsushi’s almost surprised at how thick Dazai’s skull must be to not have broken, let alone be knocked out because he quickly recovers.
“Hat rack, that wasn’t very nice of you! Dogs aren’t supposed to disobey their owners! Now, roll over!” Dazai commands, pointing a finger at a dumbfounded Chuuya.
“ DID YOU JUST COMMAND ME, YOU MOTHERFUCKER--” Atsushi quickly covers his ears in hopes that the sound, and his suffering would be drowned out. What’s even worse, Akutagawa is looking at the two with awe, and then back at Atsushi as if saying he wants to be like them. Atsushi almost cries for the second time that evening.
~;~
The waiter comes over to their table with a smile.
“Would you like to start with any drinks?” She blushes when Dazai smiles at her. Atsushi cringes knowing what he’s about to witness.
“You’re such a beautiful lady. Would you care to assist me in a double suicide--”
~;~
A new waiter is called immediately. Dazai pouts as Chuuya punches him senselessly after pulling...whatever that was.
“W-Would you like to start with any drinks?” Chuuya shoves Dazai into the seat, hopefully to prevent the other from even speaking.
“Yes--” Atsushi sighs hopelessly as Chuuya says the long name of some fancy wine. How does he even pronounce it?! Whatever it is, Chuuya also orders for Dazai, which is a bit surprising since he has the other pinned against the seat about to kill him.
Atsushi orders an orange juice and get’s called a kid by Akutagawa who orders apple juice?! How were they any different?! Their drinks quickly arrive, and the waiter leaves before Dazai opens his mouth. Atsushi is relieved the waiter has a bit of common sense.
Chuuya sips some of the wine from the glass before falling onto Dazai’s lap?! What was going on?! The moment Atsushi sees Dazai’s evil grin, he knows that this was all a premeditated plan. Of course Dazai drugged Chuuya’s drink.
~;~
“C-Chuuya-san, are you alright?!” Chuuya groans as he struggles to open his eyes. He wishes he didn’t open them because the first thing he sees is a bandaged idiot with his lips puckered out?!
“ Oi, what’re you doing?!” Chuuya shrieks, jerking his head up. Atsushi groans for what seems like the one hundredth time tonight. They both bonk foreheads, and moan in pain. What were they expecting to happen?!
Atsushi turns to Akutagawa. He hadn’t even heard the other speak since he ordered his apple juice. Atsushi’s eyes widen when he notices that Akutagawa looks amused and entertained. ‘Does he think this is funny?! This is torture ! What is wrong with these people?! ’
Atsushi almost faints when he realizes they still haven’t ordered their food yet, and their night is going to go on for much longer.