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You are a monster.
You’re the person parents warn their children about, the monster hiding in their closets. Only someone evil could think of the things you do, the dark thoughts that swirl intrusively in your head so intensely they bring you to tears.
You don’t want to be like this, you don’t want to think of those things, but it’s not as if you were given a choice. They come in flashes, rude interruptions that make your skin crawl. Your heart aching as it battles with the visions in your mind.
It’s been three days since you’ve left your room. The walls close in further with each passing hour, the sounds of your screaming cries drowned out by their soundproof material. You can’t bear to open the door, to allow yourself contact with the heroes you call your friends.
You don’t deserve to be in their presence.
Suddenly, a knock at the door broke the elongated silence. It was soft, as if the person on the other side didn’t want to frighten you. Tony must’ve overridden your “do not disturb” protocol, leaving your room accessible to your friends once more.
“Y/N. C-can I come in?”
It was a voice you’d recognize anywhere. Your favorite voice. The one belonging to a man so kind-natured you often wondered how he could even stand to be in the same room as someone like you.
You didn’t deserve him.
“Y/N. Please just let me see you. I-I’m worried. I need to know you’re okay.”
The slight waver in his voice left your heart in pieces. You shouldn’t have left Bruce in the dark like that, you should’ve at least sent him a feigned text message. He didn’t deserve to worry like this, especially not over you.
For that reason, and that reason only, you got up and opened the door. Bruce stood there, his kind eyes filled with worry as he gazed upon your current state. You looked a mess, you hadn’t slept or showered in days. The evidence found in the dark circles under your reddened eyes, and the same crinkled sweatpants from when he had seen you last.
“Oh honey..” Bruce whispered. His voice was so tender, so sweet, so filled with love that it made your chest ache.
He reached out to touch your face, his actions meant to help you, but instead of accepting his kindness you flinched away. In your mind you didn’t deserve his touch, you didn’t deserve that kind of intimate kindness.
The look of disappointment on his face squeezed your chest to the point where you felt like you couldn’t breathe. He looked so sad to see you like this, his compassion so all-encompassing that somehow it even included someone as unworthy as you.
“I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m so sorry I- '' Bruce ran his hand down in face in frustration at his actions. Sometimes you forgot how low Bruce thought of himself, how wrong his self-image was portrayed in his mind.
You could never be afraid of him.
“You didn’t scare me, it's okay Bruce.”
He looked at you for reassurance, the fear, and sadness still seen in his eyes.
“It's okay,” you whispered once more as if to reinstate your previous statement.
He nodded, a sense of relief washing over his features as he peered behind you and into your room.
“May I come in?” He asked gently, the concern still apparent in his tone.
You knew that if you denied his request he would blame himself, that he would think it was somehow his fault that you weren’t opening up. You couldn’t let him sit around and worry about you anymore. So, you nodded in agreement as you stepped to the side thus allowing him to enter.
You closed the door behind him, the light from the hallway now shielded which left the room enveloped in darkness once more. Bruce turned on the lamp on your bedside table before sitting down on the edge of your unmade bed, just like he always used to do.
Before all of this, you and Bruce were extremely close. You spent your days indulging in sci-fi movie marathons, eating lunch in his lab, and holding each other on long nights. Now, you wouldn’t allow yourself to experience such pleasures.
He patted the seat next to him, his kind eyes and warm disposition making him impossible to resist. You sat down next to him.
“Honey, please tell me what’s going on. I just want you to be okay.”
“And frankly I-I miss you.”
You noticed the way his voice cracked as he ended his statement, the desperation in his words making this experience all the more heart-wrenching. As much as you believed Bruce didn’t deserve to have to associate with you, you also believed he didn’t deserve to feel that way; to feel so helpless.
You gathered the courage to look him in the eye unable to hold back your tears. Bruce hesitated as he reached out to you, afraid that you’d flinch away. Instead, you leaned into his touch which, as if on instinct, caused him to pull you into his embrace. He gently tugged you onto his lap and held you to his chest as you cried into his shirt.
“Let it out, honey. It’s okay.” His words were so gentle, softhearted reassurances which made you sob more furiously as he held you closer.
“I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve you…” You sobbed, repeating the mantra as if it were gospel itself. You felt so guilty for letting him in, for giving yourself the comfort he provided, but holy fuck did you want it. You wanted him so bad that it hurt.
He gently pulled away slightly, as he brought both his hands up to your hold your face. You could see the absolute heartbreak in his expression, his eyes glossy with tears as he looked upon you with complete devastation.
“W-what do you mean you don’t deserve me?” There was a sense of shock to his words. It was as if he didn’t want to believe that was really what you had said.
“I-I’m a monster, Bruce. You’re too good to be here with me. I-I..” He tenderly touched his forehead with your own, his thumbs gently wiping away the onslaught of tears as they ran down your cheeks.
“Please don’t say that about yourself, Angel. Please, please don’t.”
“But, it’s true,” you whispered, your words broken with devastating resignation.
“Nononono, honey no. It’s not true. Please believe me when I tell you it isn’t true.” At this point, it was as if he was begging, desperate to relieve you from a pain he knew all too well.
“I c-can’t Bruce, I can’t”
The tears in his eyes now threatened to spill over, which made the guilt in your chest only grow heavier. It was taking effort for him to continue speaking without crying, as his breaths became quicker and more uneven.
“You remember what you told me after that one really bad mission last fall?”
You nodded in response before reaching up to wipe the tears from his face. He smiled weakly, allowing himself a moment to compose his emotions.
“You told me that monsters don’t feel remorse. That they do awful things because they genuinely want to do them. The fact that I was so upset proved that I wasn’t a monster.”
It took everything he had to keep from crying, but he kept going, ignoring the tears stinging his eyes.
“Honey, you changed my life that day. I owe you the world. So, please don’t tell me you don’t deserve this….”
“Please don’t make me let you go.”
He reached up to plant a kiss on your forehead before you allowed yourself to fully collapse into his embrace once more. He held you close, pressing kisses to your hairline as he ran his large, gentle hand up and down your arm.
“Please stay.” You whispered, the struggle to resist him and his kindness becoming too much to bear.
“I’m right here darling, I’m not going anywhere.”
He kept your body pressed against his as he maneuvered under the covers, allowing you to lay your head against his chest before he draped the soft blankets over you both. You stayed like that for a while, the silence broken only by that of Bruce’s cooed reassurances and your now steady breathing.
“I missed this; holding you.” He whispered, his voice gruff from crying, but still just as calming as ever.
‘I missed you too Bruce I-I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry honey, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” He soothed, attempting to take some of the guilty weight off of your tired shoulders.
“May I ask why you feel this way?” Bruce asked. “Did something bad happen? Are you hurt I-”
“No no no, it’s okay nothing bad happened.” You reassured as you took his larger hand into your own.
“It’s just my mind, it-it makes me see things I don’t want to see. It’s so sudden and so terrifying, but I can’t help it.....”
Bruce listened attentively to your explanation, his eyebrows furrowed in both concentration and concern as he attempted to figure out what was going on. You had expected him to leave you, for him to find you disgusting and never speak to you again, but instead, he stayed. He clung to you tightly absent of judgment.
Suddenly, as you finished your explanation it was as if a lightbulb went off in Bruce’s mind. “Honey, do you know what intrusive thoughts are?”
“Yeah, but I thought they were just an occasional thing.”
“For most people yes, but for some with immense anxiety or OCD they can be consistent and more disturbing. They are completely out of their control, and do not imply that they are sinister in any way. In fact, it often implies the opposite; that they fear hurting others. You’re not a monster darling, you’re just someone whose mind doesn’t treat them very nicely.”
At the sound of Bruce’s explanation, it was as if the weight of the world had been lifted off your shoulders.
“So, I’m not a monster.”
“No honey you’re not and you never could be.”
You sat up and gave Bruce the biggest hug. He was all you had wanted during that time you isolated yourself, but now you felt as though you were actually worthy of having him there.
“Thank you. Thank you so much.”
“Don’t thank me, Angel. We’re gonna get you some help. You don’t deserve to feel this way about yourself.”
You planted a soft kiss on his cheek.
“And neither do you.”
He smiled softly, relishing in your perception of him as he gently pulled you back down to the mattress.
“Promise me you won't do this again. That you won’t shut me out.” Bruce’s eyes stared at you intently desperate for you to give your word.
“I promise.”
You snuggled up into his side once more, your sleepy eyes beginning to close under the weight of your exhaustion as the sound of Bruce’s heartbeat lulled you into a state of peace.
“Get some sleep sweetheart. Give your mind a rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Goodnight Bruce.” You softly muttered as you felt his soft lips press to your hairline once more.
“Goodnight honey, sleep well.”