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Dear my sun,
I'm sure you remember when we first met at that park. Under that huge oak tree with the view of the playground. One afternoon, all those years back.
"Hey. Why are you crying?"
Little Soobin looked up to a boy about his age — short black hair, huge doe eyes, a mole near his chin. Head tilted to the side that made him look like a puppy.
"Leave me alone!" He yelled through high-pitched voice, pushing the nosy kid away. Said kid stumbled back from his crouching position, landing on his bum.
I was mean. Because I thought you were just like the kids you were playing with. They're the reason I was crying in the first place, because they ruined the bracelet my mother made for me. I'm sure you remember; you hold the memory dear to your heart.
I thought you'd leave me alone after I lashed out. Turns out your way of doing so is accompanying me in silence. Honestly, it was surprising considering my impression of you. But it was a different kind of surprise — pleasant yet confusing, unexpected yet . . . heart-fluttering. I didn't know the feeling existed even then.
Raising his head to peek if the stranger had left, the shock painted itself across his tear-stained face. For the boy was still there, leaning back on his arms and legs stretched over grass, watching his playmates — Soobin's bullies — from afar.
"Why aren't you with them?" Mumbled him, tone sulky and squinting through his damp lashes.
"I don't want to." Answered him, light and mischievous. Soobin frowned.
"Aren't they your friends?"
The boy smiled; it didn't reach his eyes.
"They used to be."
I didn't understand why you'd turn your back on your own friends. Is it because I didn't have friends then, that I couldn't empathize? Or is it because someone like you did it for someone like me? I couldn't see past my judgment of you; yet, oh so slowly, you plucked each thorn of misconception I could possibly have. Letting me see you in the real light you surround yourself in.
Like the sun. When it comes out in the mornings to start a new day. You came into my life at a time I needed you first.
At a time I didn't know I already needed you.
"You don't even know me." Soobin said, when the boy told he'd rather sit there with him instead of playing his favorite sport.
"Do I need to?" He returned, bemused.
"Mother said to never talk to strangers." Reasoned he. "Even if they're just kids."
The boy huffs, pouting and a dimple popping on his cheek.
"Well, mommy said to never leave people alone when they're crying." He declares, "Even if they're strangers, even if they're adults. ”
Because a company is always better when you feel like the world burdens your shoulders. That's what you taught me. It's why you silently stayed by my side, why you never bothered speaking or prodding me to speak. You were just . . . there. Being a pillar of support despite barely knowing each other.
I can vividly remember the scenery; rays peeking through leaves and coloring you with patches of light, cool breeze passing by and sending your hair fluttering. I can still remember the jokes you said that had me bending over in laughter. (It's not as funny anymore now and if you attempt to say them to me again, I'd smack you straight in the head.) The smile on your face, with whiskers on your cheeks and eyes disappearing to slithers — you looked so beautiful—and I thought it was wrong perceiving you that way because how could a boy hold such beauty? Now I know I was being stupid.
Because you. You were— are so beautiful.
You said your name was Beomgyu. Choi Beomgyu. A pretty name; though I'd never admit it when we were eight.
The heaviness I felt losing a precious bracelet . . . you carried them with me. Made me feel better in ways I didn't know you would pull off. When we agreed to meet in the same place the next day, I was expecting it would be utter bullshit. Only to find you already there waiting for me; with a beaded bracelet you spent the night doing.
I didn't understand what I felt, how you felt; why I'm feeling such, why you're doing this. We only just met, yet you went out of your way to do that for me. Kept asking why, you brushed it; left wondering why, but I liked it.
I didn't know I did.
When you finally told me the reason years after it happened, it's like the dark cloud that loomed over the prolonged and neglected curiosity precipitated. And made way for the sun to shine. The epiphany took a long time, but when it came, everything felt different.
"Do you remember when I made you this bracelet?" Asked Beomgyu, five years later and aged thirteen, on the floor of Soobin's room.
The best friends have been playing video games the entire time when he suddenly brought it up; poking at the still intact bracelet Soobin's wearing on his left wrist.
"Yeah? What about it?" Soobin replies, fingers relentless on his console and eyes glued to the screen. It's one of the games he can't win against Beomgyu. This is his best attempt so far, and he's not letting it pass.
"I realized I haven't told you why." The other said, nostalgic and giggling. "It's funny now that I recall it."
"Can't you tell me still? I might charge you for the overdue curiosity."
Beomgyu hums. "I felt bad for not being able to defend you from my old friends. So I made it hoping it could somehow compensate. It's not as pretty as the one auntie made but I just hoped it'll make you smile a bit.
"You're pretty when you smile."
I lost in the game that time we were thirteen (as if I ever won against you anyway). But it wasn't the only thing I lost in.
My judgment of you had been torn to pieces then; you were my best friend. But you introduced me to an emotion I didn't know I was capable to feel; towards another boy, towards you.
It was stupid, what you said. Because I wasn't smiling when we met. I was crying, and for a while I was embarrassed being a crybaby as a first impression. I stuttered around the words; "But we just met." Remembering how my fingers tremble around my console, and how my throat constricted from a blossoming feeling in my chest.
Caused by you; a boy. Because of you; my best friend.
And every rational thought got knocked out of me when you declared;
"It doesn't mean I didn't know you before then."
How someone like you knew someone like me. An extrovert and an introvert. The center of attention and a wallflower.
We were polar opposites; in one way, in every ways. You were meant to be on the spotlight, while me— I was only meant to watch you bask in it. To see those strokes of light raining on your frame, awestruck by your beauty in its rays. Bright and alluring, warm and blinding.
You were the sunshine. And I, the sunflower attracted to everything you are. You told me my smile was pretty. Clearly, you haven't seen yours. You told me you knew me before we met. I called you a liar for saying so.
I'm a nobody. Why would you know me?
"Because you're not a nobody, Soobin." You answered.
"Remember that day at the park? Before my old friends started bothering you?"
Soobin nods, the day he met Beomgyu is engraved into his memory. Every detail, each movement. From the character on the shirt he wore to the brand of his blue rubber shoes; the food he ate for lunch and how much the ice cream costs. To the names of the bullies that pushed him to the ground and made a tug-of-war out of his bracelet.
"I saw you buy that ice cream with the biggest smile on your face." Reminisced he, wearing a soft gaze that cemented the memory as a foundation for new ones. "And I thought it was so pretty."
Word per word, I remember everything. Because just like you, I hold those memories close to my heart.
"I think I made a promise to myself to buy you every single ice cream when we grow up." Your childish voice rings in my ear every time I recall those moments, repeatedly playing like a spell, enchanting me to a magic that is you.
But it was a joke; you said so, I expected such. And yet up until this day, it was a promise you had kept.
A promise that I broke instead.
Dear my epiphany,
You made me realize a lot of things. Opened my eyes to a world of bright colors and freedom — a world that you belong in. Held my hand and lead the way; pushed me to be true to myself, pulled me down the rabbit hole named you.
I always followed. Because I knew no one else.
For fourteen-year-old me, questioning my sexuality was mental torture. Especially with conservative parents such as mine. I couldn't explore, couldn't vent. Couldn't ask for any advice for fear of being judged.
But you were there. Ready to walk me through it. Even if you were the root of the cause (I didn't want to admit).
"A sexuality crisis?" Beomgyu asked a few weeks after their video game night — the night Soobin questioned himself for the first time. A hesitant nod. Eyes sparkling, he queried, "What made you ask?"
You , he didn't say. Shrugged it off pretending it wasn't. "Is it weird? I don't know why I'm feeling this way."
Beomgyu hummed, dimple popping. Soobin's heart mirroring. "It's not weird, Bin. It's totally valid to feel that way.
"I haven't told you yet but I'm thinking of being bisexual. Do you want to explore with me?"
Who would've known I'll be exploring my sexuality with you. You, the popular boy in middle school; and me, the shy nerd at your tail. I remember when we were talking in the gymnasium — it was mostly you actually, in that basketball uniform during one of your practices, sweaty jersey numbered 03 and a towel around your neck — about who we'd want to take out on a date, and all the girls from the cheerleading team volunteered.
I'm sure you remember. When I took Jisu and you took Ryujin on a double date in that seaside amusement park we frequented. You easily hit it off, both of you being active students; while me and Jisu were awkward it made shivers crawl to my neck.
I thought it was just because our personalities aren't all that compatible, or I was just bad at flirting. But despite being beside her the whole day, I still find myself looking at you more. Watching you talk, hypnotized by your smile, envious at the hand holding yours.
"Hey Soobin." Jisu called once they were left alone, when Ryujin and Beomgyu ran off to the Gyro Drop. Fidgeting from where she's holding on the male's arm.
"Yeah? Do you want anything?" He asks, pulling his gaze away from the bouncy hair of his running best friend to the girl he asked out on a date.
"I don't think this will work." Said her. Very blunt and direct that made Soobin gape in surprise.
Although the sentiment didn't affect him as much as he would've expected. In fact, he felt more . . . relieved? Like an anchor was hoisted up from the sea of emotions in his chest, making way for his ship to sail.
Jisu frantically waves her hands in defense seeing his expression. "I mean, you're cool and handsome and all, but I don't think I'd like to date someone who likes somebody else."
"Huh?"
Funny how it was her who pointed it out. But I was funnier because I hadn't considered the huge possibility.
That I like you? Maybe. That I could be gay? My parents would kill me.
"I don't like anyone." I said. Because it was the fact that I believed in, a fact that was once true. But even back then, it was the lie I always told myself. It was a lie . . . I always lie.
Jisu's snickers turned into a fit of giggles. As if Soobin uttered the funniest joke in existence.
"The way you look at your best friend says otherwise."
I'm sure you remember when you found me standing alone at the exit of the park; dumped by my date and a cup of ice cream in hand. Of course you would; you teased me about it for over a year even if Jisu and I became friends. I remember you telling me you'd walk Ryujin home, and how I felt so envious I ate four more cups until my stomach bloated.
It didn't stop me, however. I think I was even more determined to ascertain I'm straight. With your help, I went on more dates with girls to convince myself I'm cis. Anything otherwise and I'd have my ass handed back to me, or you'd probably find me lying on park benches after I've been homeless.
The girls were pretty, had pleasing personalities on top of it too. You plucked the most beautiful flowers but I was waiting for you to be one of them.
Most had checked out in my list of ideals, a list I made thinking of pretty lashes and pouty lips, of loud laughter and contagious energy; but there was always something missing with them I couldn't pinpoint where. Was it because they weren't you? Was it because I made the list thinking about you?
I remember even considering being asexual aromantic. Didn't knew such orientation exist in the first place but you taught me about those spectrums, for reasons that you've been exploring yourself too. (I envied you in that aspect — having supportive parents allowing you to experience the world, teaching you what you want to know, accepting the mistakes you made. My parents could only wish they were them.)
But I wasn't asexual and I was definitely not aromantic. How I figured it out? I stopped denying my attraction towards you.
Turns out the key was right in front of me all along.
"Have you ever thought about kissing boys?" Asked you, after I voiced out my failed dating attempts. Out in the quiet of your room's balcony, back to the floor and eyes to the sky. Always by my side, because I needed you there. We were sixteen by then.
No, but I thought about kissing you. Was what I didn't say. Kept the silence instead of potentially breaking the friendship I treasure with my whole heart and soul.
Never expecting it will be you to suggest it.
"Well, have you ever thought about kissing me?"
My first kiss went a lot like this;
Back to the floor, eyes to the fringes of your hair. Breath caught in between the pair of your lips. It was a light peck; didn't even last five seconds. (And yes, as shocked as I was, I counted.)
"So?" Beomgyu asked when he pulled away, hovering over Soobin's face and blocking the view of the night sky. It didn't matter anyway; Soobin sees the stars in his eyes.
His mind was haywire; nothing left but the thought of Beomgyu's soft lips, or the pretty face that occupied his vision. Soobin's thoughts went mush; the short peck already sending pulses of electricity in his veins. And before the more rational side of his brain kicks in, he reaches out the back of Beomgyu's head and pulled him in.
Sparks tingle all over his body when their lips meet again; just a press, enough to feel its softness. But the fireworks exploded in his chest when Beomgyu, ever so slightly, parted his lips to graze his teeth over his pair — lightly nibbling, softly tugging, making Soobin gasp.
Kissing his best friend could only be a one-way ticket down two roads; one for a better relationship, the other for a broken friendship. And goddamn, Beomgyu kissed him so good he forgot his problem even existed.
"I think I'm gay."
You took great pride in being my gay awakening, made sure to bring it up every time you can. But as much as the implication that I like you is painfully obvious (I mean, come on , I literally realized I'm a homosexual because of you), you were denser than oil on water.
Either of my fear breaking our friendship because of the kiss, or my yearning for a deeper relationship with you were shattered to dust when you paved a third path. A deeper friendship — best friends who kissed but counted it as platonic. At least, for you it was.
It's dumb! Who even kisses platonically? I wanted to yell it to your prettiness, carve it onto stone, proclaim it to all the lands so they'd know just how you made me feel. But as cowardly as I was— am, I accepted what you bestowed upon me. Was I afraid it'll make things awkward? Maybe.
Or maybe I just didn't want to lose what we had. You are the best thing in my life, Gyu. I'm pretty sure you know that.
In the end, I still did.
Dear my vitamin,
Realizing my feelings for you was the cure to my endless cycle of dating disappointments. An answer to the question of my sexuality; the end of one suffering and the beginning of more. Because as much as I like you and every effect you have on me, it didn't change the fact that I have my insecurities.
It started with the question, why don't you like me?
You kissed me first; it was you who made the move. Yet, why brush it off as if it was a normal thing between best friends? As if no feelings were born, and sacrificed; as if no one was left hanging on the edge of this emotional cliff, the spikes of heartbreak ready to plunge the moment I plummet.
The answer was easy and simple, to my dismay. And it smacked me right in the face.
You were going around kissing someone else.
Soobin stood frozen in the doorway of Beomgyu's humble abode. Eyes wide and staring at his best friend, sharing an intimate kiss with a face he doesn't know. The two were seated on the leather couch; Beomgyu's arm sprawled on the backrest and the boy's hand delicately cupping his cheek.
With each soft stroke of their lips, a little bit of his heart breaks. Soobin watched as they smiled in between, content and sweet; counted the occasional giggles, happy and melodious; breath hitched at the shy licks, craving for more.
"Baby, stop." The boy giggles, playfully pushing him away when Beomgyu was unrelenting. He didn't stop however. Beomgyu only chuckled before moving to press wet kisses on his neck.
They only noticed Soobin when the male tilted his head to the side, tensing at the sight of him on the doorway. Sensing, Beomgyu stopped and looked over, and then in his direction. Beomgyu's eyes widened a fraction before moving away.
"Hey, Soob." He greeted like it was nothing. "Uh, I didn't know you were coming over."
"I um . . ." Shit, why is this so awkward? Even more so because of the fact that they kissed once. He tried searching for an excuse, gulping when it felt like his throat had dried up. Until he remembers the reason. Feigning nonchalance, he shrugs, "I was just going to return the notebook I borrowed."
Someone else namely Kang Taehyun.
Your boyfriend.
I didn't even know you have a boyfriend.
Then came the question, why don't I know? I'm your best friend but why hadn't I notice the signs? The sparkle in your eyes when you check your phone, the skip in your steps when you head to school, the glow that remains on your face for the whole day and the next.
How you speak honey and command flowers, how you resemble the sun and the moon. Maybe because I was too focused on the stars in your eyes and how it brightened my galaxy that I didn't realize the reason behind it's shimmer. Or how I'm entranced by the sound of your voice saying my name; following you like a lost puppy because you're all I know; staring at you because you're all I like to see, that I was blinded by how you looked at the world outside the wall that is me.
Even if you're the cure, you're also the wound.
You're in love, and it's so painfully obvious. Painful, and obvious. Because it's not with me. Wasn't, isn't, wouldn't.
We were sixteen when you first broke my heart. The kiss didn't mean anything if it's with someone you didn't like. Like how it meant nothing to you when it meant everything to me.
And then the next question came, why would you even kiss me?
Was it just a harmful prank to get me to like you? Was it a stupid ploy to expose my existential crisis? Or was it a trophy to brag with your other friends?
Night after night would I think about how you made me feel like a fool. Wishing I was him, wishing you hadn't kissed me, wishing I didn't let you. How I wanted to curse you and scream and punch you and then myself. God, the way you made me bleed without even trying was driving me insane.
I tried, God knows how much I tried getting over it. You hurt me, and I, selfish as I always am, didn't want to forgive you.
And yet it seemed like I didn't have to.
"Soobin?" Beomgyu called, entering the dark room after two knocks.
Said boy didn't even spare a glance, listening to how the door creaked open and close, gaze solely focused on the game on his laptop. "What do you want?" Asked him, voice hoarse and cold from underuse.
There wasn't any response. Soobin thought this is how their friendship ends, because of his sulking and crippling insecurity. Rooted from the affections tucked in the depths of his heart; affections that shouldn't have existed, affections that felt like betrayal towards his long time best friend.
But he only felt a pair of arms snake its way around his neck; cheek resting on his temple, nuzzling on the nest of messy hair.
"Are you mad at me?" Beomgyu asked, soft and low, against his ear. Like it was a secret only meant for Soobin to hear. Soobin didn't answer. "I'm really sorry Bun. There's— there's no excuses, really. I should've told you even before but I just had to be an ass and kept it from you because, well, I didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry."
His heart squeezed hearing the sincerity. "Since when?"
"It's been a little over three weeks." Beomgyu says. "Forgive me? Please? I can't stand you ignoring me. I'll take you to the new ice cream store down the street?"
Boy was Soobin a weak man for ice cream (no, it's the pout). Because the next thing he knows, Beomgyu was already coddling him on his bed, game long forgotten and best friend forgiven. And at the sight of his content smile, while being in Soobin's arms, Soobin knows there's no cure to his crush.
I would have forgiven you even if you didn't apologize; that's how far gone I was already at that point. But you still did. And because of it, I liked you even more. How pathetic I was to pine for you when I could see how happy Taehyun made you feel. And I was happy for you, honestly.
But I wouldn't deny that I made myself happy too by wishing you'd break up. Daydreaming of scenarios where in the end, you come running back into my arms, kissing me senseless until all your heartache bleed into oblivion. On those days, the ice cream tasted even better.
The questions I've conjured all had one answer;
Why don't you like me? Because I'm your best friend.
Why don't I know? Because I'm your best friend.
Why would you even kiss me? Because I'm your best friend.
It was a title I despised because that's all I could ever be, even if I wanted a whole lot more. The bitter aftertaste that clung on my tongue despite the whole savory meal; that huge bump on the road near your house despite the smooth ride all the way home; the pain of getting a one wrong answer that somehow felt worse than getting multiple. All those almosts and could've beens. Slightly less than perfect still counts as imperfect. The 99 is still 1-point short of 100.
I hated it. I like you goddamn it!
'Best friend.' Why did such a phrase existed when—
"You're the best thing in my life, Soobin. Because you're my best friend. And I love you to the ends of the world."
When . . . when . . .
You're the best thing in my life too. I love you a whole lot more.
The privilege of being your best friend, amidst the sea of friends you surround yourself with became something I showed off. You weren't ashamed of me, despite being the boring nerd and timid tree some of them had branded. You'd only raise a brow, shrug your shoulders, and say;
"So what? Doesn't change the fact that he's my best friend."
Because you love me in a way others could only hope for; as something more than a friend, but less than a lover. Because I'm the one you entrust with your deepest, darkest secrets; I know you more than anyone could ever dream of. Because you kissed me like it was meant to be mine; that I was meant to be yours and no one else's.
So fucking selfish for keeping me chained to you. Taking everything I could offer and tucking it in the deepest corner of your drawer. I'm your best friend, and you—
"You're my best friend, Soobin." Beomgyu had whispered on the crown of his head, from where the taller male's resting on his chest, listening to his stable heartbeat. Lazily twirling his strands in his fingers. Despite the size difference, Soobin likes to snuggle in Beomgyu's arms, making himself smaller so Beomgyu could fully embrace him.
"What's with the sudden declaration?" He asked, humming under his breath at the ministrations. Content, and happy. Like a lullaby to sleep.
"Nothing, I just felt like I had to remind you." Answered him, "That me having a boyfriend doesn't change anything between us.
"I could have a dozen boyfriends, Bin. But there's only one you. You're the only best friend I'd ever have."
Having an established place in your life made me soar. It was a promise you said, an assurance I needed but never asked for. That I was your constant, always there; the ellipses at the end of sentences, an indication of more; the infinity in numbers, an implication of forever.
And forever it was that you're the cure. It's just that my disease is incurable.
Dear my energy,
You know I'm not a big fan of physical activities. Opting to watch you play despite your numerous invitations, turning down your tempting bribes of ice cream in exchange of doing sport. Staying on the sidelines as your hair bounces with every movement, until your skin glistened under the glow of the sun's rays, until you come back to my side with a contented look on your face. You are so beautiful, I wanted to say it to you everyday.
Only there's a new presence around you, telling you the words I yearn to tell, holding you so close like he'd been doing so for years. In the way that you like, in the way that I used to. And as much as you give me my daily dose of energy, there's nothing more draining than seeing you with him.
I hate how he makes you happy, when I know how to make you even happier. I hate that he takes you out on your ideal dates, when it's us that listed them together. I hate how you look at him with pure love and adoration, when you could've been looking at me.
Fuck, I know I should be happy for you but I can't help wanting to hate the idea of you and him. When it could've been— When it should've been me and you.
"Hey Gyu, the game we ordered last week just arrived. Want to check it—" Soobin said upon stepping foot in Beomgyu's room, carrying a medium-sized box he rushed bringing.
The sight of Beomgyu knocked all words out of his tongue.
"Oh . . ." His best friend had frowned, turning around from where he stood in front of his dresser mirror. Wearing a plain white button-up shirt that's tucked in his slim-fit black pants, paired with gold-framed specs. Looking incredibly good despite the simplicity. "I can't right now, Bin. Hyun's taking me on a date."
"Oh." Soobin lamely said, feeling very stupid for even rushing out. Wearing mismatched shoes just to see Beomgyu immediately. "Well then, have fun."
It was only me and you. Once upon a time in our little world. For the last eight years of knowing each other, it's only been the two of us. Now, it's the two of you and then me. Left behind because I couldn't keep up with your synergy.
Hours of staring at the dull gray ceiling of my room, minutes blurring past and thoughts floating in the air; thinking of everything you are, and what you mean to me . Wondering too much until I couldn't sleep.
Did you enjoy your date? Did he take you to a nice place to eat? Did he bring you to the fun places you wanted to visit? Did he pull you to watch the sunset by the river? Did you two share the ice cream we always bought together? Did he walk you home and told you he had a great time? Did he kiss you all over your face and lastly on the lips? The way I saw both of you did on the couch in your home, the same home that I considered mine too for the last decade?
All those questions that I yearn to find the answer. Or did I? When I knew it'd just hurt?
You seemed to have been doing well since. Haven't contacted me at all, never bothered to visit to tell the story I despise to my core. The insecurities piled on my chest, making my gut twist and heart heavy; missing the very presence of you around me.
I thought you'd leave me behind permanently. But then you came knocking.
"Binnie! I'm coming in!" Your loud voice resounded from outside my chamber. I hated how my heart skipped, wanting to jump out to meet you and be with you again. If you were here, you'd definitely tease me for being such a loser.
The door to Soobin's room creaked open and close; there was shuffling inside the darkness, and then a dip on the mattress. Until Soobin feels the familiar warmth of his best friend resting on his chest, like he was the home Beomgyu would walk to get to.
"What are you doing here?" Soobin mumbles, bitterness underlying in his tone. Although it reeks to the surface of his words, deep down he knows he was craving for this.
Beomgyu responded, languidly drawing circles on Soobin's ribs, tone light and inquiring. "You haven't been replying to my texts, and you haven't returned my calls since yesterday. Is it too bad that I want to see you? We have that video game to play, you know."
Oh.
Remember when you teased me for how dumb I was for sulking? Laughing so much until our stomachs hurt? Until we fell asleep with happy tears in our eyes and breathless grins on our lips? Wrapped in your lavender scent and indulging in your soothing presence. Like all the days back then, when you didn't have someone else doing it with.
Maybe because I thought you'd leave me behind; the irrational part of my brain convincing me that I don't deserve you, that I'm only holding you back. Only to tell me that you might go around and visit other places, but you'd still come back to me. No matter how far gone you'd go, no matter how long the travel time is, you'd always look for me. Rest your head against my chest and trace shapes of any kind, telling me that you're the most comfortable in my presence.
That's when I realized I wanted to run with you instead.
Here I was ready to lock you out, because I felt too bad about myself. But you always had the key, because I trust you so much I'd even betray my own sense of bitter liberty.
What's the use of being free if I didn't have you?
You're my sunshine. You brighten up everything in my life; you gave me energy to function; you became the very reason to try. Saved me from all my demons and banished them from the kingdom you ruled in me.
"See this, Bin?" Asked him, pointing at the ceiling of his room where a bunch of glow-in-the-dark star stickers were put. In a pattern that Soobin had seen before.
"Is that the Sagittarius constellation?" He questioned, and it's as if the artificial stars glowed even more as their visions got accustomed to the darkness. Soobin's heart pounded in anticipation.
"Mhm!" Beomgyu affirmed, reaching out to intertwine his fingers with Soobin's. "Every time before I sleep, it's the view I always see. It always reminds me that I have you."
Soobin's breath hitched, tears pricked his eyes at the sincere words. He's been having a lot of trouble recently, with his insecurities and unrequited feelings, and it seemed like his best friend had noticed — because he always does.
"I don't know what's in your head, and I'm not pushing you to tell me about it." Beomgyu whispers in the serenity of the air, urging for his tears to start falling. "Remember the first time we met? You can cry about it and I'll just be here to anchor you. I'll never leave you alone especially when I know you need someone to be just here.
"In every place I go to, there'll always be space reserved for you. In my wall, in my phone, in my photo albums. Any semblance of you should be around me, because you ground me and you remind me of home.
"And I love you, okay? It'll be fine Soobinie."
I felt worthless, you reminded me how much I mean to you. I felt insecure with my body, you assured me I didn't need to change. I decided to change, you supported me all the way. You catch the slightest change in my tone, the subtle fidgeting of my fingers, the uncontrollable tic of bouncing my legs. You know what goes on in my head, and immediately pull me to our favorite ice cream store. You notice me sad for no reason, and you embrace me wordlessly.
You are everywhere. In all forms, in every ways. Friendship bracelets and long text messages. Anything just to assure me that you're still here, and that you'll never leave me; despite your growing relationship, your rising popularity. You always come back to me.
And fuck myself for ruining it.
"Soobin! Hey, come on in."
Much to his surprise (not really), it was Taehyun who opened the front door of Beomgyu's house. Casually dressed as if he'd been living in the space, moving comfortably inside Soobin's second home. Something uncomfortable settles in his gut, yet he ignores the feeling. He has no other place to go, might as well tolerate the boyfriend's presence.
"Babe, Soobin's here!" Taehyun yells, heading to the kitchen where Soobin presumes Beomgyu is. Once again ignoring the ache in his chest at how the boy is so familiar in the place.
Beomgyu rushes out from the kitchen, immediately spotting the bags in Soobin's arms. His face dropped knowing just what it meant.
"Oh, Binnie . . ." He said, wrapping his arms around the taller male. And then he started crumbling.
Just like how I always come to you. Because you remind me of home too. Even when—
Yeah. I'm sure you remember when I got kicked out of my house. When I came out to my parents and told them I've been identifying as gay since we were fifteen. Funny how I expected the reaction that I even packed two whole bags beforehand. It still hurts though, the confirmation.
They blamed you for it, I remember every word they said against you. They assumed it's because of you influencing your own gender identity towards me; or how you're such a flirt that you seduced me into homosexuality; or even as absurd as committing sinful acts together. I never detailed what it meant, but I'm sure you understood.
Because when my parents came to your door, wanting you to return me, you gave them a look I never saw you wear. Pure anger and . . . protectiveness.
"We wouldn't be having this conversation if only you accepted who he is!" You yelled, standing in the doorframe of your house facing my parents as I hide at the wall behind you. "I'm not giving back Soobin, not when you're so homophobic you even called him a slut."
"You have no right, Beomgyu. Soobin is our son." His parents had said, locking eyes with him. "Come on, baby. Let's go home."
Soobin knows there's something dangerous underlying their sweet tones; a hint that they wouldn't let this go easily. Especially since they are strictly conservative and religious, the incident with his sister is already intolerable. He hid farther behind the wall.
Beomgyu turned to him, his eyes softening at the sight of his distraught. With a softer tone, he asked, "Do you want to go back, Bun?"
He turned to his parents, mind clouding with fear and he shakes his head no.
"That's his answer. Now please, Mr and Mrs Choi, leave or I'll make my father raise a lawsuit against you."
You opened the cage and set my wings in flight. After that day, you claimed it your duty to protect me against them. The lawsuit wasn't an empty threat, both you and my parents know it. And as guilty as I was for running away, it felt so freeing being out of the closet. Not making up excuses just so you could stay the night, not hiding those flags under my bed.
And hell may swallow the earth but I— I can't thank you enough for everything you did for me. You're my reason, Gyu. I started being confident in my own skin, stepping out of my comfort zone, trying things I never dared. You powered up my batteries like the way you sparked electricity throughout my veins. And I never knew I'd like venturing in your wild, carefree world.
Never knew I'd get tired of it too. And I think I just made a mistake.
Dear my dream,
Chasing you had been something I endured. For years that I liked you, I grew accustomed to the fact that I'll always be running; despite no signs of reaching you, despite it being exhausting. Maybe that was the thrill of the chase. And that there's someone who shared the same pace.
Hey, that rhymed! Who would've known the days burying my head in literature books would reap something fruitful, and in a letter to you, that is.
As the nightmares disappear, the dreams of having you became all the more clearer. And harder. And convincing myself I could achieve that dream seemed more absurd. You two are so happy together, I could see it; the whole school could see it.
You once hated bringing it up, but as you came to love yourself more, you started accepting that you weren't meant to be.
Remember when Taehyun broke up with you? Right on the day of our seniors' prom. I wanted to punch him so bad, ruining the supposed best night of your high school life. You're prom king. Yet you were at the backstage crying your heart out because of him. I was fucking seething.
"He— He broke up with me . . ." Beomgyu sobbed, clutching on the lapels of Soobin's tuxedo as the taller hugged him comfortingly. The crown on his head lightly tilting from his hunched position.
Soobin's heart sank hearing Beomgyu so heartbroken, almost clouding his growing anger towards the boy who caused this. But he didn't want to act so abruptly, wanting to rationalize the situation even if he hated their relationship. Beomgyu loves the guy, and Soobin could insult and curse him on another day. Right now, his best friend needs him.
"Did he tell you why?"
Beomgyu sniffled, pressing closer on Soobin's chest. "He said he fell out of love from me. I— I don't know. Did I do something wrong? He said I didn't. I asked him why, and— and he said his feelings just started depleting for no reason at all! And I'm so confused—" Soobin shushed him by hugging him tighter, noticing his shoulders trembling from crying.
He didn't understand. How could anyone fall out of love from Beomgyu?
"Since when did his feelings dis— disappear? Was everything he said the last week all just empty words and lies? Why would he lie to me? He promised he would tell me everything— but— but why? Soobin, I don't understand—"
I didn't understand why either. And as much as I wanted to storm out and confront your ex, maybe punch him in the process too, I only held you closer. I loved you, and watching you break down made me feel a lot helpless. Maybe if you chose me then—
Even if I experienced a lot more heartaches from pining over you, it doesn't compare to the hurt you felt. (Or at least, that's what I assume anyway.) A requited love breaking is more painful than my one-sided yearning. All I wanted that night was to somehow make you feel better. I could do anything stupid just to crack that smile on your face, any lame joke just so I can hear your laughter again. It's ridiculous because until now, I could remember how beautiful you looked even when you're crying. What am I writing now . . . haha I guess I suddenly missed you.
I'm sure you remember that night. Of course you do; you had it in your calendar, your photo albums. You hold that memory in the safest corner of your heart, like all the other ones that involved me.
"You know what, I'm not letting him ruin your night." Was what I said, as if something in me snapped and every courage I had buried in the depths of my chest surged to the surface. Was it my heart strings? Maybe. My feelings? Most definitely. I needed to stop being a coward if I want to be with you.
And I do. God knows how much I do.
"Where are we going?" Asked Beomgyu, as Soobin pulled him out of the school auditorium. The music is still blaring from the closed doors, but it's muffled enough to hear their own nervous and shaky breaths. Beomgyu had calmed down enough, much to his relief, yet the dried tear streaks on his cheeks serve as a reminder of his loss.
Soobin wants to replace that loss with something he had been longing to give. And this night seemed the right opportunity for it.
He's well aware of what he's doing; confessing right on the night they broke up, when Beomgyu is so vulnerable and emotion-drunk, probably dizzy from all the crying. He wouldn't be mad when his heart is so tender and the rejection would be softer. Even if he knows that Beomgyu is the nicest person in the world, Soobin wanted to make sure that despite taking the risk of jumping down that cliff, there'll be a chance his heart won't be completely shattered when he landed. He doesn't think he can handle a full-blown rejection right in his face.
Beomgyu is hurting; and if Soobin has to sacrifice the pieces of his own broken heart to fix his, he'd gladly do so.
They arrived at the gazebo outside, an area for couples who wanted some privacy. Decorated with golden lights that resembled fireflies, littered with petals like leaves in autumn, a sweet tune playing like the breeze of wind. Soobin gingerly pulled him inside, before letting him go to offer his hand.
"May I have this dance?"
He looked lost, confused by his actions. Soobin couldn't blame him. He's been hiding his feelings all too well this whole time, that not even his best friend, the boy he lives with, has a single clue.
With a gentle smile, he said again, "Let me make you forget your heartbreak even for just one night, Gyu. Right now, let me be the one to protect you."
The rejection had already settled in my bones as I await your answer. It was dreadful. My heart was quaking in anxiety. I remember my hand trembling with nerves, the sweat building up across my back. I almost ran away from how scared I was of your response.
But what I remember the most is how the smallest, most genuine smile graced your face; shared with me like it's one of the secrets only I could know. And then the touch of your hand, the warmth of your body, the sound of your voice.
And just like that, I fell for you even more.
The two best friends danced a slow waltz; Beomgyu's arms on Soobin's shoulder, Soobin's hands on Beomgyu's hips. The soft classical tune harmonizing with their heart beats.
Beomgyu was staring, Soobin could feel his gaze boring into him. Yet he refuses to look back, afraid that his emotions would spill out of his mouth the moment he sees the love of his life. Though his reddened ears gave everything away.
"Soobin?"
Like magic, he turned his head. His name so entrancing on Beomgyu's tongue. And his breath hitched. Beomgyu looks so beautiful under the golden glow, glistening eyes looking up at him, lips parted around a question he couldn't ask. Soobin knows what it is.
"Beomgyu, I—"
They stopped dancing.
"I like you."
Was what I wish I said. I thought I could, but it seemed like I was more cowardly than I first assumed.
Was I ready? Yes. Were you ready? No. And thinking about my feelings when you're so vulnerable like this caused me so much guilt. How could I take advantage of you just like that? How can I even claim to protect you when my first thought is protecting myself from you?
So I held my tongue. And instead;
"I'm always here for you."
Soobin continued, "You're my best friend, Gyu. And I hate seeing you like this when you deserve all kinds of happiness. It's fine to just cry it out for now, I know you love him a lot. But someday, you'll be strong enough to accept that maybe you just weren't meant to be; that maybe there's a reason why you didn't work out. We're eighteen; we're about to go to college. There'll be a lot of new opportunities for us, Gyu.
"Besides, you have me. You'll always have me."
Beomgyu smiled then, the confusion disappearing from his face as his grin widen. The crown on his head sparkling under the lights as he pull Soobin down for a hug.
"For a moment there, I thought you would confess." Said he, chuckling at his own teasing joke, hoping to lighten up the mood. Oblivious to the way Soobin's heart skipped and dropped. It's fine, Soobin thinks, it'll be fine. "But thank you Bin. It means a lot to me. At least, I still have you."
You still have me.
Moving on was definitely hard. He was your first boyfriend, and you've been together for more than a year. Most of your high school moments, he's right there beside you. The tons of pictures on your walls, mementos in your drawer; he filled you with memories of first times and late nights. I remember you telling me all your adventures; cutting classes on the roof, skateboarding at midnight, sneaking out a bottle of wine and getting drunk in your room, trying out a cigarette and kissing in between. You were already lively, yet with Taehyun, it tripled. No matter how much I hate admitting it, you two looked perfect together; your energies matched, your personalities are compatible — a match made in heaven, most had said. So it came as a huge surprise when you weren't all over each other at our graduation.
Miserable, that's how you looked. You barely came out of the house, or even picked up your phone. The spark died in your eyes as if you lost all reason to glow. You cry in your sleep and thrash and scream; and my heart slowly broke seeing you lose yourself. I remember your parents' concerned faces, and your brother's anger; I remember Taehyun's visit that turned into a disaster.
And to think that I was wishing for you to break up . . . How mean of me. But if losing him meant that you would be like this, I'd rather be the only one brokenhearted. At least, I've been coping better.
It affected me too, you know. You're my sun and my energy, and seeing you dim made my world dark. I tried my best to comfort you, staying in your room more times than in mine. But even I couldn't occupy the void he left behind.
"Soobin?"
Said boy turned to the meek voice that called his name, seeing his best friend peeking in between the gaps of his door. Soobin immediately stood from his place in front of the computer, leaving his application form unfinished in favor to attend to Beomgyu.
"Hey, what's up?" Soobin said softly, brushing the fringes of Beomgyu's bangs aside and tucking it behind his ear. "Trouble sleeping again? You can stay in here—"
"No, that's not it." He cut off with a shake of his head. The shorter male hesitantly reached for his hand, and Soobin's heart jumped at the action. How it fit so perfectly in his bigger hands will always have him in awe. "I uh, I wrote something and I was wondering if you can criticize it for me?"
He didn't need to ask, both of them knew that. And the next thing Soobin knew, he's already reading pieces of Beomgyu's lyrics as he listened to the soft strums of his guitar. Feeling every bit of emotion he poured in each line, how beautifully painful his words were as he describes his recent break up and the whole roller coaster ride of his isolation. Soobin realizes that's how Beomgyu had been coping, with a hobby he'd been developing since he was twelve, locked in his overly tidy room and drunk in his own feelings.
Maybe he's been doing better than he thought. Because when Soobin told his verdict, he was blessed by the smile he had missed seeing.
The smile you gave me that time told me that you're starting to heal. And I've never been so happy seeing the shimmer back in your eyes and the glow back in your cheeks. And then everything was fast-paced from then on. You getting back on your track, and me following you.
I'm sure you remember when we moved out of the house and into my sister's new apartment near the university we enrolled in. You were so excited in experiencing living away from your parents, and I couldn't deny that it was thrilling. (I mean, I was already doing that for months already.) My sister had been welcoming, saying that I should've just lived with her before, but her old house is too far from school and I didn't want to be away from you.
That's when everything started falling into place. Both of us getting into the courses we wanted, maneuvering into university life together. Sharing way too early breakfasts, and hanging out in the plaza at night. Talking about our dreams under the stars that littered the sky.
I could only stare at you then. Listening to your rants about that one snob professor, the new friend named Huening Kai that you clicked with so easily, a band organization you wanted to join. Gone were the scars of your past, and you look so pretty with the light of the moon.
Because while you were chasing your dreams, I was still chasing you.
Dear my happiness,
I like you. And I finally had the guts to say it.
It wasn't anything grand like I wanted. In fact, it was the stupidest scenario ever.
You brought me to one of those university parties you were invited to; wearing a plain black shirt tucked in your favorite skinny jeans — one of your simpler fits that looked so unbelievably good. You had your hair colored ash gray, silver accessories adorning your ears and neck; of all the years I've known you, I can probably have a whole magazine worth of your different styles.
I remember the excitement on your face attending our first party together, the awed stares thrown at you, the bitterness of the first drink we took. We were in your element of fun, dancing around each other and sharing drunken giggles at those people attempting to flirt with us. Everything was new to me, but being beside you made me enjoy the night.
And as embarrassing as it was, but I just couldn't help liking you even more. Seeing the red and blue lights coloring your face, pretty lips curled in a wide smile, reeking of vodka and some mix I couldn't remember the name. I wanted to kiss you when we won that beer pong game, or when we were pushed into the pool by Kai (that little shit already knew my crush because he claims he's smart like that, when truth is, he blackmailed me into telling). How I craved for the touch of your lips since the first time.
Was it the alcohol? Likely. Was it the yearning? Most definitely.
My tolerance is shit and I could only handle so much alcohol. I didn't know what I was doing or what the hell I was saying when you're dragging me back to our apartment. But it came rushing into my hungover brain the next morning.
"Gyu, I want to tell you something." Soobin mumbles, hiccupping in between as he walk on his wobbly feet, Beomgyu tucked under his arm and supporting him. Despite being slightly older and taller, Beomgyu had always been stronger; inside and out.
His best friend chuckles at his drunken state, and Soobin swears he's in ecstasy; blurring vision focusing on Beomgyu's pretty face. "Shut up and just walk, Bin. You're heavy."
Both of them are drunk. And his clouded mind had urged him anyway. Fuck whatever happens tomorrow when he's sober. He's jumping the chance now when they'll most likely forget everything, when his consciousness couldn't scream at him to stop.
"I like you."
I swore I would never get wasted like that again. And I hoped you're too drunk to even comprehend what it meant. But of course, it wasn't the case. Because when you sat across me that morning, sleepy eyes glinting with mirth and hair a bird's nest, I already knew what you were going to say.
"So, you have a crush on me, huh?"
Soobin choked, okay maybe that wasn't what I was expecting . Or maybe he was too hungover to notice the lilt in Beomgyu's tone, his words only meant to tease. But Soobin has had enough of hiding.
"I do. I like you Gyu." Said he, boldly. Beomgyu froze in his place on the other side of the counter. "I like you more than a best friend should."
His heart pounded against his ribs when ever so slowly, a blush rose to Beomgyu's cheeks, coloring him pink to the tips of his ears. Unable to hide his fluster. He's so cute and Soobin wants to die.
"Oh."
It definitely wasn't one of the expected responses. And I almost laughed seeing your face if only I wasn't in the same state. It felt freeing finally saying it, and the days that followed were definitely worth the anxiety.
The awkward silence during breakfast, silent walks to the university, inching closer on the couch, shy glances over dinner. I couldn't help but flinch every time my skin brushes against yours. Idle chatter over lunch, hesitant hand holding on the way home, cuddling in front of a movie— God, my heart was about to burst from joy. We'd been doing this since we were kids. And I was afraid my confession would mess this up for me.
But out in the quiet of our apartment's balcony, back to the floor and eyes to the sky, you gave me an answer I'd been wanting to hear.
"I like you, Soobin."
He continued, "Maybe I had been feeling this way for a while, I don't know. And I'm not saying this now just because you confessed but . . ."
Soobin turned his head to face him, seeing Beomgyu already looking at him with fear in his misty orbs. He reached out, wiping the lone tear that escaped.
"But?"
"I liked you before too. When I first kissed you in this exact same scenario." Beomgyu admitted, gulping when Soobin's touch stiffened. "And I wanted to confess too, but I was clouded by fear. You're my best friend, Soobin. And I honestly don't know what I'd be without you. If we dated and it turned out to be a mistake, there's a big chance we won't go back the way we used to.
"And— And I'd prefer burying my feelings if it means I don't get to lose you, or what we have. And I moved on, with Taehyun and I loved him so much and after we broke up, a new fear was unlocked. I'm happy with you and our set-up like this and there's no doubt you'd treat me well if we're in a relationship but what if— what if . . . one day, your feelings disappear too? What if one day you woke up and you didn't love me anymore? I don't think I can handle that, Bin, especially if it's from you."
The answer he got is in the form of Soobin's lips, pressing softly against his pair, a silent reassurance to the boy he's been in love with since forever.
"Trust me, it won't happen. I've liked you for as long as I remember, been in love with you every single day. I doubt anything could make my feelings disappear, Beom."
I'm sorry for everything.
Dear my love,
I love the feeling of waking up next to you, alarm blaring as it reminds us of our 7am classes. Me pulling you up and you pulling me down, the tug-of-war with the blanket, until I eventually gave in to your gravity and we miss our first class.
I love walking in the kitchen to the sight of you sleeping on the counter, waiting for your coffee to brew and bread to toast. Drool on your chin and hair unkempt, looking so peaceful despite running late.
I love heading out of my classroom and seeing you in front of my lecture hall, dressed like you were going on a runway and capturing everyone's attention as you smile at me. Leaving people gaping as you held my hand.
Mornings spent in serenity, nights spent in thrill. Our lives were so fast-paced it carried the adrenaline to the next day. Sneaking in between library shelves to kiss, drinking beer in broad daylight in the middle of the field, riding your motorcycle at full speed down the highway. Every day was fun with you.
And for years I've been chasing you, now I held the dream so close to my chest. You were finally mine, and I've never been so happy. The wait had been long and painful, and now that you're here, I—
Fireworks sparked in the sky as some family celebrated at the park where they first met. Beomgyu and Soobin visited the place on one of their dates, reminiscing precious memories and reliving their experiences; the spot where Soobin sat crying, the position when he pushed Beomgyu away.
The afternoon had settled when orange hues painted the sky. And the two of them had been staring at the clouds above, empty ice cream cups in the small space between, hearing the happy chatter of strangers and upbeat music echoing joy in the atmosphere.
Soobin was watching Beomgyu watching the sky, gaze holding every bit of affection he had built in all those pining years. Fondness blooming in his chest at the pretty smile and excited titters Beomgyu exclaims. He's so beautiful like this, carefree and happy; and unknowingly, Soobin drops the question he wanted to ask.
As if it was a subconscious instinct, an urge that dwelled just under the surface, something he was certain he wanted.
"Will you be my boyfriend?"
You gave me the sweetest 'yes'. Hugged me like you didn't want to let go. Kissed me like you've been waiting for years. Practically screamed it to everyone that passed by. And you looked so happy. I was too! That time, I was the happiest man on earth.
And for a moment, I believed that's how it'll always be.
Our relationship was perfect. You know everything about me and I know everything about you. We worked out our little differences, communicated our thoughts and feelings. We were so open with each other that—
That . . . that . . .
I got tired of it.
Afraid I was doing the very thing I promised you not to do, I hid it from you. Pretended I like going to the bar every weekend, lied about the motorcycle ride I felt like vomiting in, showed you I was interested in all those thrilling sports you want to do.
Until I got so busy that I physically couldn't have the time. And you understood. Because of course you would, you're the sweetest person I've ever known. You'd give me the space even if I didn't ask. And I took advantage of that time to— to—
The time away from you gave me the freedom that I once had. I missed the silence of my bedroom at weekends, without the throbbing hungover for the next morning. I missed the walks we'd take at nights and just gazing out at the stars. I missed just sitting inside and reading my favorite books. But it's the life that's so different from the one you choose to have.
That was the root of it.
"Bun there's this new—"
"I'm busy, Beomgyu."
"Binnie, my friends invited me to—"
"I have a manuscript I need to finish proofreading."
"Soobin, can you come with me—"
"I'm tired, Gyu. Let me sleep."
I started shutting you out, closed off from the wild world you pulled me in. All I wanted now was peace, and you weren't the person who has that. You're overflowing with energy, and it sucked mine. You're the bright sun on a hot day, and I couldn't stand the heat. You're the dream that was out of reach, and I understood why.
Being with you felt like a chore, tolerating your antics became a routine, telling you I love you felt like a lie.
As irrational as it was, that's just how I started to feel. Craving for the freedom you once granted, the short moment of peace between surges of the storm. Because when I didn't have you, I felt like I had all the time in the world to stare at you.
And now that I do, it felt like my life always flashes by my eyes and I couldn't breathe. Couldn't catch my breath after chasing you, barely grabbing onto you as you revved the vehicle faster. Even our kisses felt rushed and—
Of course you'd notice that. And of course I knew you'd confront me.
I knew I was slowly drifting. But what surprised me is that seeing those tears in your eyes didn't hurt me. Like the way it used to.
"Do you still love me?" Beomgyu asked, his voice trembling as he stands on the doorway of Soobin's room. Hands balled into fists and nails digging into his palms.
Soobin didn't move from his bed, only looking up at him through his glasses. "Of course I do, Gyu." He says easily, the lie familiar on his lips. "You know I love you."
"Do I?" Replied he, voice cracking around a suppressed sob. "It felt like your drifting away from me. What did I do wrong? What did I do that made you change your mind—"
"You didn't do anything—"
"Bullshit!" Beomgyu yelled, his tears freefalling. "If everything is fine then why don't you love me anymore? Why are you touching me as if you're scared I'd break? Why are you— why are you lying to me— since when were you lying to me?" He fell to his knees, weakened by the sobs racking his body as he looked up at Soobin. "You promised— And I know I'm difficult to handle sometimes but you could've told me and I could've changed!
"Did you really think I wouldn't notice anything when I know you the best?" At Soobin's silence, he said. "Please, Binnie, talk to me please. Please don't shut me out—"
"If I tell you what I need, will you give it to me?"
"Yes! Anything just so you won't break up with me."
I asked you for space. For a few days, maybe weeks. And despite your reluctance, you gave it to me. And I was grateful. How bittersweet it was to have that semblance of peace again. No one to be insecure over, nothing to think about. I hate how being away from you made me happy, truly.
You still texted me, knocked at my door to offer me food, bought me gallons of ice cream from our favorite store. I appreciated the — I ignored all of it.
It felt like I was building my own identity again. I'd only refer to myself as your best friend, or as your boyfriend for as long as we could both remember. Stuck in that cycle, without ever drifting off, trying so hard to keep up with your pace. When . . . I didn't have to. I can't believe I'd feel this empty even if I reached the finish line.
A month had passed. You stopped your ministrations by the third week of no responses. I hardly see you anymore, despite your room being just across the hall. I started leaving early to walk to university, and sometimes I'd hear the rev of your motorcycle passing by. Taking longer routes to have a clearer head, refreshing my mornings with the breeze instead of coffee. Leisurely taking my time after classes for another stroll, and then watching the sky darken by myself.
My thoughts of you slowly faded, and suddenly, the 'I don't love you' wasn't a lie anymore. I like the peace I found without you. Maybe I liked it too much that the next time I saw you, for the first time in weeks, I wasn't affected by your magic.
"Was it fun?" You asked me then, your eyes dull and your voice soulless. Like Taehyun all over again, except this time, it's much worse. Because I'm the cause.
"Did you like it when I'm not around? You finally had the space I 'deprived' you of. Will you come back to me now?"
Soobin didn't answer. And the implication is so obvious in Beomgyu's misty eyes.
"You won't, wouldn't you?" He chuckles, lacking the humor in them despite finding the situation utterly funny. "You fell out of love with me, and I hate myself for still being so in love with you . . . Bin, what could I have done?"
Nothing. Something.
Can you blame me? I've been locked up in my fantasy for so long. But I can't say I could blame you either. It wasn't your fault I liked you and chose to pine for years. And it's my fault that I only realized this when I finally had you.
And now you're suffering, right in front of me, because of me. I wouldn't deny the guilt I felt and how much I wanted to hug you. But I can't.
Because I know the words you'd say next.
"How could you? Fixing my heart just to break it even more. Giving me the world just so you could take it back. Telling me you've been in love with me for years only to leave me behind. Is this an elaborate plan to get back at me? For outing your sexuality, provoking your parents when they kicked you out, not noticing your feelings as I flex my ex. Is that it?
"You're making me say it, aren't you?"
Soobin nodded. And with finality, with the utmost sincerity, he said, "I love you. I mean it."
Beomgyu cried even more, fat tears rolling down his cheeks to his chin, dropping to the carpeted floor. "You don't. And I hate you."
They say time heals all wounds. But what would heal if there aren't wounds in the first place? And in its place — the one you were in at a significant period of time — lays a void big enough to make me feel empty. I wanted you—
It's a void I wholeheartedly welcomed in my embrace.
I couldn't deny that I was worried about you after that. Especially when I woke up the next day to news that you moved out. When my sister asked why, I just told her we broke up. You broke up with me, but it's you who was hurt more. I wounded you beyond reason, and I'll forever be accountable for the ruined friendship of 14 years, and a relationship of 2.
You told me your worst fear, and I manifested it into reality.
Not only did I lose you as a boyfriend, I lost you as a best friend too. We could never go back to the way we were after what I did. I can only hope I could . I miss you. Really, I do. But maybe if I swallow the feeling hard enough, I'd learn how to live with it.
Besides, I heard from Kai you're doing so much better than half-a-year ago, when I broke your heart for the last time. He told me all those times you'd get shitfaced drunk, drowning yourself in the heartache. How you were screaming in your sleep from every nightmare you had of me leaving. I do see you sometimes in university; the bags under your eyes are darker, you're paler and thinner, and there's dark clouds looming over you. Can't believe I still found you pretty .
I also heard someone's courting you. Choi Yeonjun was the name, I think. I hope you'll be happy again. Honestly. I'm sorry . I wish it hurt but it didn't.
This'll be the last letter I'm writing. I love you, Gyu . I hope we can be friends again. I still have the bracelet, I still go to that ice cream place. What am I saying . . .