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“it’s a terminal respiratory illness. specifically what, i am still regretfully unsure about. the good news is that we can treat it to extend your life as long as possible.” the green-haired medical professional spoke bluntly with a solemn expression, calling upon the small, undead child who worked alongside him and handing her a list of herbs to gather.
“terminal—but that means…”
“it is most probable that this disease will end your life, tartaglia,” the pharmacist turned to face him, sighing quietly. “i’m very sorry, i will do all i can to help.”
childe thought back to the words spoken by baizhu, tightly clutching a cloth bag filled with herbs and other ingredients and a paper explaining how to treat the disease daily. the medication description was written by qiqi—childe could tell by the grammatical errors and messy handwriting. what even was the point of the treatment? it was not like it was going to cure him; it would only slow the effects of the disease. he would die no matter what. the harbinger found himself smiling despite the situation. it was morbidly funny. one of the fatui’s strongest members, dying not by the hand of an underestimated enemy but instead by a disease overtaking his lungs.
“ajax? is everything alright?”
a voice broke childe from his thoughts and the man quickly hid the objects from bubu pharmacy in the drawer of the counter in front of him. he busied himself in the kitchen of their shared space, making it look like he was cooking something for him and his lover to share. zhongli somehow made his way to him, wrapping his arms around childe and hugging him from behind.
“everything is fine, my love.” it was a lie. he immediately wished he could’ve taken back the lie and told zhongli what was plaguing him, but he wasn’t quite in the mood to break the former archon’s heart. “i’m making dinner. it’s a dish i learned during my travels in mondstadt, radish and veggie soup.”
childe felt zhongli let out a small sigh of relief against his back and he chuckled softly, grabbing a knife from a knife block to chop vegetables for the soup. “what? you glad there’s no seafood?” he hummed in amusement at how quickly zhongli scrambled to find words that wouldn’t offend his lover’s cooking, but childe merely shushed him by turning in his arms to kiss the top of his head.
“it’s okay if you don’t like seafood, darling, i will make the most of our time together and cook all your favorite dishes.” childe turned around once more, continuing to cut up the ingredients for the soup.
“hm? what do you mean by that, dear?” zhongli questioned, his arms still loosely wrapped around the waist of his significant other. the questioned caused childe to tense up for a moment and he silently prayed that zhongli wouldn’t notice.
childe dumped all the ingredients in a large pot of boiling vegetable broth, adding a bit of seasoning and staying silent for what was probably far too long. “nothing, i just want to spoil you as much as possible.”
the former archon seemed satisfied with that answer as he didn’t question childe any further, instead opting for a short hum in acknowledgment. their conversation dwindled, but the silence was comfortable. zhongli watched intently as childe cooked the soup, giving a couple tips to his lover every few minutes. once the dish was finished being prepared, childe poured it from the pot into two bowls, placing a spoon in each of them. he shrugged zhongli’s head off of his shoulder and handed him the bowls, silently asking for him to take them to their small table. as the brunette stepped away, the harbinger found that he desperately missed the feeling of the warmth from his lover’s embrace. he hurriedly cleaned up the counters he cooked on before joining zhongli at the table.
“it looks and smells wonderful, ajax.” zhongli complimented, slipping his slender hands out of his gloves and laying them gently next to his steaming bowl of soup. childe copied his lover’s actions, being much more careless with his gloves before reaching across the table to grab and hold one of zhongli’s hands.
“thank you, darling, i hope it tastes just as nice.”
they ate in comfortable silence after that, which childe appreciated greatly. he so badly needed time to think about the news from earlier that day and what it would mean for the rest of his—now much shorter—life. he was told by baizhu that he had an estimated year left to live, only extended that long by the treatment he would have to keep up with. he pushed the vegetables around in the broth of the soup in front of him, finding that he had lost his appetite pretty quickly.
“beloved—why are you not eating? is something wrong? did i do something? please do tell-“
childe quietly shushed zhongli and plastered on a smile for him. “nothing is wrong, darling, i promise. i’m just not too hungry. i will save the leftovers for if i regain my appetite later.”
zhongli frowned at that, bringing his lover’s hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles gently. childe found himself turning red at the gesture, even though zhongli is always this affectionate. it always seemed to catch the hydro user off-guard. he took a deep breath, appreciating the quiet moment between the two of them, but the breath sent a pain to his chest that seemed to spread throughout his body. he winced at the pain and was grateful that zhongli seemed to not notice.
“you seem tired, beloved,” zhongli commented, letting go of childe’s hand and standing up from the table. “go and draw a bath. i will put away your leftovers and join you soon.”
childe smiled and thanked him before pushing his chair back from the table and standing. he made his way to the rather large bathroom in their shared apartment, cracking the door shut behind him and using his vision to fill the large basin of the bath. once the water was deep enough—and the correct temperature—childe stripped himself of his clothes and stepped in the water, fully relaxing in the familiar feeling. zhongli joined him only a few minutes later, knocking quietly at the door before stepping inside and smiling fondly at his lover before joining him in the tub.
—
childe was a couple months into his treatment when he fainted suddenly for the first time. he and zhongli were walking around the markets of liyue, the latter chatting lively about his work and hu tao’s recent antics. childe felt like he hadn’t been breathing well enough the whole day, but couldn’t find the heart to cancel his plans with zhongli during their only shared day off. eventually, the lack of air caught up to him. black dots danced around his vision and he didn’t even realize he was falling until he saw zhongli frantically swing his arm and felt the ground rise up beneath him to catch his body. childe faintly heard his lover calling out his name before he completely blacked out.
he awoke in his and zhongli’s bed, his head pounding and his chest aching. he wasn’t sure whether to be thankful or alarmed that the former archon hadn’t taken him to bubu pharmacy. he was determined to not let zhongli find out about his illness and how close he was to eternal rest. the harbinger heard a small gasp from next to him and suddenly felt strong arms wrap around his limp body tightly, pulling him close.
“fuck—you’re okay, oh archons, you’re okay.” zhongli muttered to himself, pressing soft kisses to childe’s shoulder as the man slowly came back to consciousness. the ginger laughed quietly, turning his head to capture zhongli’s lips in a loving kiss, bringing his hand up to run his fingers through the brunette’s hair gently.
“you didn’t think you could get rid of me that easily, did you, darling?” his words stung him, being reminded of his fast approaching expiration date. “i’m not going anywhere, zhongli.”
zhongli sighed deeply, laying his head against childe’s chest. “i know, i was just worried. please don’t overexert yourself like that, my dear, if you weren’t feeling well you should’ve said something.”
childe frowned at that, filled with guilt at the thought that zhongli has no idea what is going on and why childe had been so unwell. “zhongli, i…” he took a deep breath. he was going to tell him. he deserved to know what was going on.
“yes?”
“never mind.”
—
after having done it for over half a year, childe grew accustomed to the hypnotizing sound of the grinding of the pestle against the mortar as he ground and mixed the herbs that aided in his treatment. he didn’t know why he was doing this anymore. what’s the point of him being alive when he would die soon anyways? childe had recently been showing more signs of sickness. he was more pale, had a nasty cough, and was fainting more and more frequently. zhongli was worried about him, but childe came up with excuses that he hoped were believable enough.
he wrapped up the ground herbs in a teabag and dipped it into a ceramic teacup filled with hot water. he steeped the herbal tea for a few minutes before taking a small sip of it, making a face at the bitter taste of the tea. he took one more sip before sighing and dumping the rest of the tea. there was no point in treating it anymore. it was only slowing the inevitable. he tossed the rest of the herbs in the garbage and leaned against the kitchen counter, praying to every archon that the disease would just take him right then and there. there was no point to living anymore. he should just end his own life if the illness wouldn’t do it fast enough. he had nothing else to live for—
“i’m home, my dear! how are you feeling?”
oh. childe’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his lover entering the apartment. he smiled, wiping his eyes of the tears he just realized had gathered in them. of course, he did have one thing left to live for.
“zhongli!” childe borderline sprinted to the funeral parlor consultant, tackling him in a hug and sending them both tumbling to the ground. “you’re home, i missed you.” the harbinger’s voice was raspy due to the cough he developed.
“i was only gone for the day, ajax, i saw you this morning.” zhongli chuckled softly, cupping the other’s man’s cheeks and pressing their lips together chastely. the ginger pouted, which prompted zhongli’s next words; “of course, i missed you as well. now, are you feeling better? i bought some herbal tea from bubu pharmacy on my way home, i hope it helps ease your cough.”
childe inwardly cursed at the thought of drinking more tea, but he put aside his complaints. this tea would be made by zhongli, so he was sure it would be amazing. “thank you, darling. i’m going to lay down for a bit, could you bring it to me?” zhongli nodded to the question and childe thanked him before heading off to their bedroom and collapsing on the soft silk sheets.
at some point, childe must’ve drifted off to sleep because he was awoken by his lover gently shaking him. zhongli helped him sit up and gently placed a teacup to his lips, tilting it upwards to guide childe to drink it. the tea was sweet-tasting and warmed his aching throat nicely, much better than the herbal tea he had been making himself daily for months. within a few minutes, the tea was gone.
“go back to sleep, beloved, i hope you feel better soon.”
—
three and a half months later, childe awoke in the middle of the night to an empty bed. he felt uneasy, so he stood from the comfortable sheets and wandered around the dark apartment until he caught a glimpse of the balcony door being open. slowly stepping out onto the balcony, the harbinger was greeted by zhongli staring off into the tranquil night, barely even noticing the new presence that joined him.
“what are you doing up this late, darling?” childe spoke softly, not liking the way that talking strained his lungs and forced him to take a few deep breaths. “are you thinking about something?”
zhongli hummed a soft ‘yes’ but provided no other context behind what his thoughts were. a slightly uneasy silence fell over the two of them before the former archon spoke up once more. “i am thinking about guizhong.”
childe recognized the name, and he found himself being overcome by a strong sense of melancholy as he remembered when zhongli first told him about the woman and her fate. he said nothing, placing his hand on zhongli’s shoulder as a nonverbal urge for him to elaborate.
“please don’t get the wrong idea, ajax, i love you more than anyone in this world, but sometimes i wonder how my life would’ve been different if she had lived as long as she should’ve.” zhongli spoke quietly, his voice breaking towards the end. childe realized then that the man was crying. he gently cupped his significant other’s cheeks and wiped his eyes with his thumbs.
“i know you loved her, darling, and even though we never met, i know she loved you just as much.” childe didn’t feel jealous in the slightest, only sympathy for both zhongli and his past lover, who suffered a tragic fate when she was only about childe’s current age. “i am so sorry these thoughts still plague you.”
zhongli placed his hand on top of one of childe’s, his warm golden eyes staring into piercing blue ones. “please, ajax, please don’t leave me.” he blinked away more tears that threatened to fall. “you deserve a long, happy life. it’s selfish of me to ask you—to ask whoever your fate is in the palms of—this but… please don’t die, not yet.”
childe leaned forward, pressing his face into zhongli’s shoulder. he was silent for a long while, thinking about his lover’s words. he couldn’t keep his illness hidden from him any longer. zhongli deserved to know—he should’ve known from the very beginning. now it was far too late, childe felt as if he already had one foot in the grave. all the strong feelings the harbinger experienced in that moment reminded him of when he fell into the abyss at the age of fourteen. hopeless, helpless, and absolutely terrified.
“i need to tell you something,” childe paused, trying to gauge zhongli’s reaction. the former archon said nothing, so he continued. “zhongli i’m… i’m sick. i’m really really sick. it’s an unknown terminal respiratory illness.”
zhongli pushed childe away from him, the expression on his face reading only as pure horror. an uncomfortable silence fell between them for far too long. childe reached out to zhongli but the former archon backed away.
“how long have you known?”
childe didn’t speak for a few beats. “eleven months.”
“and you didn’t tell me?” zhongli sounded hurt, betrayed, even heartbroken.
“i couldn’t—i didn’t want to hurt you, i was afraid—“ childe took a deep breath. “i’m sorry.”
zhongli was getting angry. he was pacing on the balcony, but said nothing to childe for too long. when he finally spoke, his voice was calm and steady, “i’m leaving. i’ll be back in the morning.”
—
it took three days for zhongli to return to the apartment, but the crippling feeling of guilt was enough to make him return. he was regretful for leaving in the first place, especially with the state childe was in. when he arrived, he found the door unlocked. he slowly opened it and stepped inside. the apartment was eerily quiet, and the first face—faces—he saw was not childe.
baizhu and hu tao slowly stepped out of childe and zhongli’s bedroom, looking solemn and muttering quietly to each other. when they caught sight of zhongli, they stared directly at the ground and said nothing.
“he… he’s okay, right?” zhongli’s voice sounded quiet and pitiful.
“mr. zhongli…” hu tao spoke, crossing her arms, “mortal lives are quite fragile…”
“he’s okay, right?”
baizhu and hu tao both stayed quiet, looking at each other before looking back at zhongli and shaking their heads in unison. zhongli fell to his knees right there, sobbing loudly in the quiet apartment.
childe was overtaken by the illness, losing his very final battle peacefully while asleep.