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Cas had expected cruel gloating from the Shadow the moment he was pulled into the Empty. Considering how it had savored forcing Cas into promising away his happiness, torture seemed inevitable.
When he had been taken, the transition from life to nothingness had been surprisingly smooth and relatively pain free, at least to his physical body. Cas had felt all of his senses falling away as the essence of the Empty wrapped around him; life and warmth and light and Dean, oh Dean, disappearing until there was nothing.
And now Cas was conscious enough to feel the last glimmers of his one happy moment die away, leaving behind nothing but grief. He should be proud and content, because he had saved Dean and in the end that was worth everything. But still regret crept into the crevices left behind by that evaporated happiness. Maybe he was already asleep in the Empty, left alone to feel the loss for all of eternity. Maybe the Shadow didn’t even need to do anything at all but leave Cas to mourn.
Cas wasn’t sure how long he did, completely immersed in his anguish, before something changed.
The void before him took shape, a low noise that Cas eventually recognized as a long-suffering sigh accompanying the Shadow’s appearance.
“I don’t know why I expected something more satisfying,” it said. “One moment of true happiness, just one, wasted like that.”
“It wasn’t wasted,” Castiel insisted, glad for the distraction from his grief, even though it continued to hollow him out.
“Of course, you would think that,” the Shadow mocked. “I have seen inside you, Castiel. All your greatest hits and deepest regrets. You used to be quite something. You featured in the nightmares of many in here. Glorious, righteous, deadly. But now? You are empty. You measure your worth by only what you can sacrifice. Do you think the Winchesters will make you a shrine? Mourn you even?”
Castiel narrowed his eyes, even as he felt his heart drop. He had to tell himself that it didn’t matter. Proving his worth had nothing to do with it. This wasn’t what he had wanted. Cas was a soldier who had long made peace with the thought of dying for his cause. He would always give his life to keep Dean safe. The Shadow surely knew that.
“What do you want?” he asked tersely.
“Silence, of course,” the Shadow answered promptly. “And the only thing standing between me and my well-deserved, uninterrupted sleep is you.” Castiel smiled bitterly.
“Then I guess neither of us gets what we want,” he said. He didn’t care what kind of torture the Shadow had prepared for him, because there at least was triumph in making the Shadow share in his torment.
“Really? You’re not even going to try to bargain?” the Shadow asked, its voice feigning surprise. “What happened to you blackmailing me into sending you back? What happened to you bargaining away your happiness and life for the Nephilim boy? You don’t care anymore?”
“Are you mocking me?”
“I’m just asking. The great Castiel, the one who defies the cosmic order, all docile and ready to accept his fate? You’re quick to fight for others, but you don’t fight for yourself? My friend, you really are broken.” Cas had no idea what the Shadow was doing.
“You wanted me to suffer,” Cas started and the Shadow nodded enthusiastically. “And now what? Do you just want to let me go?”
“No, of course I won’t just let you go,” it said. “However. What I want most is the loudness to end. To fix what your Nephilim boy broke. So I took a page out of your book and made a deal.”
“What deal?” Instead of answering the Shadow lifted his hand, waving and then the ground broke away from underneath Cas, plunging him into nothingness.
Cas crashed to the hard ground. For a moment the pain was blinding and Cas lay on his back, immobile and unbreathing, the impact like an immobilizing shock keeping his body on pause. But then he took a deep breath and opened his eyes, only to find a starlit sky arching over him.
Cas slowly sat up, trying to orient himself. It didn’t seem possible but he was back on earth. He was alive. How could that be?
Was this part of some deal the Shadow made? But with whom? What were the rules? Surely, Dean hadn’t… Worry pushed away all other thoughts and Cas reached into his pocket for his phone. Or he would have, but his hand just brushed fabric. Frowning, Cas looked down at himself.
His usual clothing seemed to be gone. His feet and legs were bare. The only thing that covered him was a formless sort of tunic that only reached to his mid-thighs and had a long cut down the collar, exposing part of his chest. It was the same color as his trench coat but that was where the similarities ended.
“What’s going on?” Cas asked into the night. What point was there to sending him back to Earth with an unpractical outfit? Surely… surely this wasn’t the current fashion? For a dreadful moment Cas feared that he had spent decades or even centuries in the Empty only to be released into a world that held nothing Cas cared about. Cas looked up into the sky, studying the stars and found that no… no, some time had passed but not more than a couple of months.
Relief flooded Cas, but it was relatively short-lived. He still had no explanation to why he had been brought back and why he was brought back like this. Besides, he had died right when things were coming to a head with Chuck and just because they removed the threat Billie posed, didn’t mean they were safe. As long as Chuck was there, Sam and Dean would never be free.
Castiel steeled himself. He was back and he was ready to rejoin the fight. Now he just needed to find his way back to the Bunker.
Night had just fallen when Cas crashed back to life and he made the majority of his journey through the landscape and country roads without seeing a single car that he might commandeer or hitch a ride with. The world seemed so at rest around him, peaceful as it hadn’t felt in a while. But maybe that was just because there was life and nature for Cas to appreciate after the Empty.
He followed the road, feeling the uneven pavement under his bare feet. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he had enough of his Grace that it didn’t really hurt. Cas couldn’t quite feel his Grace, but he had been mostly drained for years now, so he wasn’t too worried about it.
He wondered what Dean would say once he showed up at the Bunker. He trusted in their friendship enough to know that Dean wouldn’t turn him away just because he confessed his love. Though he might be angry at him for how it happened. Maybe he’d also be somewhat uncomfortable around him. There was a reason he hadn’t told Dean after all.
Maybe Cas should be uncomfortable. He didn’t want to make Dean uneasy but he also didn’t want to have to leave his side. Cas simply had to trust Dean with the secret he had kept for so long. Being loved by someone was hardly the worst thing that had ever happened to Dean. But humans made things needlessly complicated at times.
Or maybe Cas was making it needlessly complicated himself now, worrying about it as he walked. It had dawned a while ago and he was nearing Lebanon. So far it had been silent, reminding Cas vividly of what had happened just before his death; Chuck erasing Sam and Dean’s friends. The longer he had walked without seeing a single soul, the more he worried that Chuck had continued his work ridding the earth of his creation, but then he heard the sound of an engine of a big vehicle in a field somewhere. So not all was lost.
Eventually, Cas crossed the fields that took him to the edge of the town. From here it would be still a bit of a walk to the Bunker. Maybe he should have kept to the fields, but this was the quickest way. He knew enough about human customs to expect that some might look at him weirdly because he was walking around barefoot. But a potential fashion faux-pas wasn’t something Cas could care about right now.
It was still early morning, after the children had been taken to school, so there weren’t many people around. But there were some. Most didn’t look his way, but he was aware of the few that did look and that either averted their eyes quickly or stared. He greeted some familiar faces with a little nod, though he had never tried to get to know the people in town like Dean had, so he wasn’t interested in staying to talk or explain why he was dressed the way he was.
He was glad that the people of Lebanon seemed to be alright and blissfully oblivious that the end of the world was threatening yet again. So whatever Chuck had been doing, it wasn’t apocalyptic yet.
Cas could have asked someone to let him make a phone call, but now that he was so close, he might as well walk the rest instead of inconveniencing his friends. The ground next to the road wasn’t particularly pleasant to walk on, especially once he took the little street forking off towards the Bunker. But it was alright. He was so close.
Soon he could see the unassuming structure of the Bunker, he could see the stairs leading down. Dry leaves crunched under his feet. Usually, he was the one who did the sweeping out here, when he was bored while Sam and Dean slept or were away on a case without him. Dean apparently hadn’t bothered to clean in a while and Cas tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of the debris poking his soles. When he looked at the bottom of his feet they were dirty and reddened, but the skin wasn’t broken, despite the hours of walking.
He put this hand on the door, feeling the hum of the warding. He took a second to breathe in and compose himself, then he hammered his balled fist against the metal. Usually he would just go inside, but they had upped the warding some time ago and Cas needed the door to be opened to him from inside. He hoped that someone was home. He did reach up and try to put his hair into order. There was nothing he could do about his bare feet and the odd outfit, but he had shown himself to Dean in worse conditions and states of undress.
Cas felt his stomach summersault the moment the heavy look was turned and the door slowly opened on its loud hinges. And then there was Dean’s face, a frown etched into his features, green eyes wary. Cas was overcome by emotion at seeing Dean again and he couldn’t quite find his voice to greet him. He watched Dean’s eyes widen, pulling the door open further so he could face Cas properly. He looked him up and down, his mouth open when he met Cas’ eyes.
“Cas…?” Dean asked breathlessly. “Is it really you…?”
“Yes,” Cas said, his voice breaking. “The Empty sent me back.”
“Holy shit,” Dean breathed. “It really worked, we didn’t-“ But instead of offering an explanation, Dean suddenly stopped and stared at Cas’ clothing. “What are you wearing?” Cas lifted his arms and looked down at himself.
“Uhm… I don’t know. I was dressed like this when I came back…” When he looked back at Dean, he was still staring. Despite it, Cas felt such profound fondness fill what had been such a deep void inside of him for too long. Dean was here, he was alive, he looked healthy. Cas couldn’t help smiling. “Dean…” Dean startled, but then he looked at Cas again, looking at the smile, then eventually he took a deep breath and let go of the door.
It took only half a step for Dean to pull Cas to him.
“Why do you keep doing this to me, you dick?” Dean asked, but there was no heat behind his words as he held Cas, arms wrapped around him fiercely. Cas relished in it. He hadn’t expected to ever be able to hold Dean again. “You can’t keep throwing your life away like that!”
“I didn’t throw it away,” Cas argued, “I had a way to save you, so I did.” The arms around Cas tightened, but then Dean let him go, clapping Cas’ shoulders, before he pulled his palm over his mouth and chin, looking away. Cas took his moment to look him over again, trying to see past the surface to eventual injuries. But he looked fine, good even. Not at all what Cas had expected of Dean locked into the battle with God himself. Unless…
“Are you… are you alright?” Cas dared to ask. “Are you safe?” Dean dropped his hand and turned fully back to Cas.
“Yeah, Cas. We’re safe. Chuck’s dealt with,” he said casually. Cas couldn’t hide his surprise at that. “The only thing that was left was getting your ass out of the Empty.” He grinned. “And now that worked too!”
“I… I don’t understand,” Cas said. Dean still grinned, then he looked at Cas again, his mouth pressed into a line and his cheeks reddening slightly, before he quickly turned away.
“Well, come in, I’ll fill you in,” Dean said and got into the Bunker. Cas was stunned, but after a beat he followed Dean.
The moment Cas sat down, Dean launched into the retelling of their victory over Chuck. Apparently, Jack absorbed his power, leaving Chuck mostly human, or as human as you could get as a god. He had been tossed into the trunk of the Impala, something Dean had felt very good about. (He got somewhat quiet when retelling why he chose not to kill Chuck, shooting Cas an almost shy look.) Jack and Amara had taken off, to “restore balance”, but Amara had wrestled a promise out of Dean and Sam to keep an eye on Chuck in the meantime. Dean had spent most of his time holed up, trying to find a way to get Cas out of the Empty and in the end it had taken prayers and no small amount of begging for Jack and Amara to make a deal.
“Lots of deals,” Dean muttered, though he didn’t look as displeased as he sounded. If Jack gave up the divine power into Amara’s custody, then she would help him with the Empty. The Empty in turn was in such disarray and so flustered by the noise, that it happily agreed to relinquish its claim on Cas if Amara put everyone in there back to sleep.
“And now here we are,” Dean completed his story. “But I have no idea what’s up with your outfit…”
“Is it that bad?” Cas asked and curiously watched Dean’s face turn red.
“No, uh. Not at all. I mean… it’s nice I guess? Nice… legs.”
“Oh, thank you,” Cas answered, taken aback by the compliment, though not as flustered about it as Dean was. That was unusual. Dean and Cas looked at each other, with Dean rubbing the back of his neck. “Thank you… for saving me.”
“I didn’t really do anything,” Dean admitted, his expression darkening with regret and guilt. “I wish it could have been me.”
“But you wanted me back enough to try,” Cas said. When Dean scoffed, Cas reached out to put his hand on Dean’s. “Dean. This means everything to me.” Dean looked from the hand covering his, up to Cas. Cas wasn’t sure how to read Dean’s expression. Maybe the touch had been too much. Cas withdrew his hand slowly, uncomfortably aware of how Dean stared, watching his every move. When Cas dropped his hand on his thigh, Dean’s eyes inevitably went there too, widening slightly as he took in Cas’ knees. Cas followed Dean’s line of sight, studying them as well. He had never paid them any mind because they were usually covered and ordinary looking. Or maybe not, because Dean was clearly staring.
He caught himself after a while, before his eyes snapped back up to Cas.
“Uh. Yeah…,” he said, distractedly, but then he seemed to pause and eventually he frowned. “No. No, Cas. You’ve got to start expecting more from me. I know I’ve let you down a lot, but of course I was going to look for you. Or did you doubt it? Because you seemed to be very convinced that I was a good man.”
“You are,” Cas insisted. “But there are limits to what you can do. And the Empty is a place where I never want you to go.” Dean opened his mouth, surely to argue. “You were in prison for six weeks and you hated that kind of nothing enough to make a deal with Billie. Death was preferable than an empty prison cell. But the Empty is worse than that. It truly is nothing.”
“Yeah, Cas, I get that. I’m not trying to… I don’t know, trash talk myself.”
“Yes, please don’t.” Cas huffed. Despite his serious expression, Dean had to start laughing at that. Cas frowned. “What?”
“I just never got it. I thought you were just being kind whenever you gave me pep talks or forgave me for my shortcomings,” Dean said, still smiling now, but it was a soft smile, the kind of disarming smile that made Cas lose his frown too. “I never thought that you had a crush on me.”
“I don’t have a crush on you,” Cas said, offended.
“Oh?” Dean asked with a teasing smile and Cas realized with a start that Dean was giving Cas’ feelings space to be spoken again.
“No,” Cas said resolutely. “I’m way beyond that. I am in love with you, Dean.” Dean did blush again, but he also smiled, seeming pleased. “You don’t seem to be upset with me about it.”
“I was upset, because you chose to turn your love confession into a death sentence, Cas. I was upset because I was the kind of shitty friend who didn’t even know.”
“I’m not too bad at keeping secrets,” Cas told him and Dean lifted his hand.
“There! You’re doing it again. You always defend me, even to myself!” Cas shrugged helplessly. “I had half a year to work through guilt and being convinced that you were wrong. That I’m not the kind of man you think I man, the kind of man you deserve.” Dean rolled his chair closer, his knee bumping in Cas’. Cas almost shied away, taken aback by the intensity in Dean’s expression. “Cas… losing you almost killed me. I was ready to throw everything away to get you back. And now that you are back, I don’t want you to leave me again. I want to have you. I want you to have me.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, giving it a squeeze. Cas stared at him, studying the earnest expression.
“What…?” Cas managed to ask. “Dean…” Cas understood what Dean was saying, he could see the gentle, somewhat shy smile, he could feel Dean’s fingers around his, but somehow he couldn’t wrap his head around it.
“I want to give you happiness, Cas. You deserve it. And I don’t know what exactly that happiness looks like… what it is that you thought you can’t have.”
“I… just to be by your side, to have you love me in return,” Cas told him, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Maybe… go on a date? That’s what humans do, right?”
“It’s… yeah sure,” Dean said, chuckling. He lifted his free hand and put it on the side of Cas’ face. “I’m not very good at relationships, but I think we’ll do alright.” Castiel smiled too, happy to be able to look his fill of Dean’s beloved face. Dean winked at him, then he started leaning in. Cas felt a nervous but excited flutter in his stomach.
But before they could kiss, the door to the Bunker was thrown open.
“We’re back!” Cas didn’t quite want to miss this kiss, but that was Jack’s voice. Dean huffed in annoyance, but rolled his chair away, reluctantly letting go of Cas. Cas got up, watching Jack walk down the stairs, holding bags, Sam in tow.
Jack dropped the bags the moment he saw Cas.
“Cas!” Jack shouted and hurried over to hug him. “It worked! I wasn’t sure if Amara would do it, or if the Empty would uphold its end of the bargain!” Jack grinned widely. “But I’m glad!” He took a step back and looked him up and down, pretty much how Dean had, just without the blush. Now it was Sam’s turn to put down the bags on the table and grin at him, his expression fond and warm.
“Nice outfit,” he said, then he engulfed Cas in one of his tight hugs. Cas couldn’t find words, filled to the brim with happiness.
“I told Amara that Cas needed some better outfit,” Jack said, “to entice Dean.”
“What?” Dean asked, sounding scandalized. Sam snorted in amusement.
“Did it work?” he wanted to know.
“What the fuck, Sam.”
“I thought maybe he’d be back in a cowboy outfit,” Jack said, turning to Dean, almost looking apologetic. “I don’t think the Empty understood how much you like cowboys.” Dean shook his head incredulously, but Cas found this rather amusing.
“Did it work though?” Sam asked again. Dean grumbled, then he took Cas’ hand in his and pulled him out of the library, flipping Sam off. Cas looked over his shoulder, seeing Sam laugh.
“Thank you, Jack,” he said genuinely, but then Dean gave his hand an insistent tug and he turned around to properly follow Dean. Dean took him into his room, slamming the door after Cas. Usually that was a sign that Dean’ was annoyed, but the heated look he sent Cas now seemed to tell a different story.
“So…” Cas started, curious about the outfit, but Dean clearly wasn’t interested in discussing it. He put his hands on Cas’ face and pulled him in to finish what he started earlier. Cas smiled into the kiss.
“And you guarantee that I’ll never have to deal with him again?”
Amara rolled her eyes. The Shadow, taking the form of her brother just to be as annoying as it possibly could, was lounging on God’s throne. They were meeting in Heaven, a place Amara didn’t particularly like. Earth was clearly her brother’s superior creation. And she would prefer to get back there, because she couldn’t trust that Dean wouldn’t go abduct her brother and return him to the trunk of his car if it took too long.
“Did you pull the plug?” the Shadow asked.
“No. He still has his Grace. But just barely any. He’ll go where Dean goes once it’s their time. If you don’t come barging in and demanding that Castiel goes to you, you’ll have seen the last of him,” Amara said. The Shadow nodded, smiling sardonically. “If you upheld your end.”
“I did. I sent him back in a nice little outfit surely to catch Dean’s attention.”
“Did you think about the cleavage?” Amara asked, gesturing towards her own chest. “I remember when we had this link between us that he was very interested in this area.” The Shadow rolled its eyes and a spark of annoyance went through Amara because that’s the kind of face she hated her brother make.
“Yes, yes. Cleavage, bare legs. I got it. I’m not sure it’ll work,” the Shadow said, waving his hand dismissively. “But it’s not like I care. He’s your problem now.” With that the Empty collapsed in on itself an while it satisfied some part of Amara to see the form of her brother turn into black goo, she still wrinkled her nose. She heaved a sigh, then transported herself back to her brother, who was still fuming because the angel Amara had resurrected to edit his writing hadn’t given him a particular favorable feedback. But at least the damage he could do by making Dean die on stupid hunts in his revenge writing was minimal. And Metatron had promised to make sure nothing too bad would be released to the loyal fans of the series, so she had to trust that (not that she particularly cared.)
Now, Amara wanted to enjoy some well written fiction for a change, preferably at the pool side. She might be the goddess of all for the time being, but she felt she did deserve a break now.
She hoped that for at least a little while, Dean and Cas would focus on themselves and stay out of trouble.