Work Text:
"Christopher Bang? That writer guy?" A voice speaks across a cafe. A voice that perks a set of ears. "I guess his work is okay. Not award worthy but I didn't hate his book."
Chan's shoulders fall in defeat. What did they mean by not award worthy? He won an award for his latest book. He was invited to several bookstores in the area for signings. His publisher is working on finding international businesses to host Chan.
He thought he was doing well..
He sighs and shuts his laptop, swiftly shoving it into his bag. Looks like he isn't sleeping tonight. He needs to edit and revise his 6th draft for the second book in his series. And apparently he needs to learn how to actually fucking write.
This is such a horrible day. First, Jisung accidentally burned his dress shirt while ironing. Then he dropped his breakfast on the sidewalk. Then backhanded his coffee off the table, nearly spilling it all over his notebooks. And now this. Hearing his work isn't good enough.
He drags his feet against the sidewalk as he makes his way to the bus station. His bus doesn't get here for another hour but he didn't want to sit in that cafe anymore.
His shoulders are so heavy. Not from his backpack. But from exhaustion. He hasn't slept in two days and it's cracking him. Normally, he can maybe get a few hours in. But lately he sits and watches the sun rise. His roommates wake up and he knows he needs to work.
"Excuse me.." A small, yet deep voice calls behind Chan. He ignores it at first until the figure steps to his right, leaning in to get a better look at his face. "A-are you.."
"Ah- sorry..I'm not an idol.." Chan bows with a smile.
"Are you Chris Bang?"
Chan's head pops up, his ears instantly turning red. "Y-yes."
The boy smiles and holds up a familiar book. "You're probably busy but I was wondering if you could sign this..If not- I understand and I'll go to the signing next week.."
"Of course! I'd be happy to."
Chan takes the book as well as a pen from the boy's hand. He begins to sign- stopping and looking over to the boy. He's just a bit shorter than Chan. Blond hair, shining brown eyes, and freckles that pepper his cheeks. His eyes pan down and his stomach twists. As the boy picks anxiously at his fingernails, Chan can see a large scar across his wrist. "What's your name?"
"Felix!" He bounces happily- almost as if he doesn't have a reminder of a horrible past on his body. "Lee Felix. I'm so happy to meet you. You're my favorite author. This book seriously saved my life." His smile twitches. "And seeing another Aussie Korean living my dream is really inspiring.."
"Lee...Felix.." He writes a note under his name. The name sounds familiar. "Are you the person who runs the Somewhat Familiar Instagram account?"
"Wha- oh..yeah. Um..I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had to deal with some things."
"Don't worry about it. Life can get in the way of things sometimes." He smiles but feels a pain in his chest. "Are you waiting for the bus?"
"Yeah. It's not here for another hour but I like to get here early to calm my anxiety."
"Oh. We take the same bus." His cheeks warm. Why are they getting warm? Can Felix see his blushing? "So do you write?"
Felix perks up, almost as if his anxiety has disappeared. "Yeah! I went to college for it but dropped out after..uh..yeah stuff happened. I'm nowhere near as talented as you, though."
Cham reaches into his pocket, grabbing his phone. Felix watches him click on Instagram and type in his own account. As if Chan just had it memorized. Chan clicks on the button to message, typing something and sending before Felix can see. "I'd love to read it. I think it'll be refreshing to not read the same thing over and over. Revisions are making me crazy."
"Maybe you should give your biggest fan a sneak peak of your next book." He nudges Chan's side. "Ah-sorry..I'm a bit nervous."
"Maybe. We'll see."
---
Felix flops on his bed and opens his laptop. He can't wait to tell his friends and followers who he met today. His cheeks darken at how handsome Chan is in real life.
As soon as Felix got off the bus, he checked the message from Chan. It was his number and a note saying to send him the document to Felix’s story.
He's so afraid to send it. It's a story he's worked on since..since after his attempt. After his friend suggested he read a certain book. After he fell in love with said book.
Finding inspiration and motivation to continue.
He lets out an excited shriek as he thinks about what happened today. Chan is so nice. He left such a sweet message for Felix in his book.
'Don't worry, you're stronger than your demons, stay safe and message me anytime you're struggling. Never suffer alone.'
It makes him want to send his story. His whole life is in that story. His heart and soul and skin bled for it. Don't be afraid to send it, Felix. Chan is probably waiting for the link.
---
Chan's body cracks as he sits at his desk. He doesn’t want to work. Technically, he is far ahead of his deadline. Self set, of course. His publisher isn't pushy. He can rest. But he knows he probably won't.
He's happy he met a fan. Surprised, actually. Though his face is well photographed often, he's never been recognized outside of an event.
How could someone find Chan of all people inspiring? He writes horror and suspense novels. Well, with one exception. Somewhat Familiar.
It's his only book that, although it contains demons, is actually a psychological thriller. Chan wrote it during a horrible manic episode. He barely remembered writing it. Until it came to revisions.
And once it was published, he learned very quickly that people enjoyed the dark workings of a character's mind. To see their own struggles put into haunting words.
So much so that he decided to pause writing his next horror novel to work on a sequel. His readers deserve to know what happened to the main character. It's not that the book ended in a cliff hanger or had a deus ex machina right at the last second before ending. He would never.
But he didn't give a happy ending. He gave a realistic one, showing that sometimes...sometimes people still suffer even if they've found the right people in life. Sometimes you're still exhausted all day. And just want to fucking sleep. But the demons wait for you to sleep to pounce.
Chan looks at his hands. He didn't realize how shaky they were. Maybe he should eat some real food. Coffee, cigarettes, and half a bagel aren't enough.
He stands with a groan. It might be another night of crying, wishing pain relievers worked for him. Another night of holding his wrist, wondering if breaking it would hurt less.
"You look like shit." Jisung greets Chan as he walks into the kitchen.
"You're beautiful, too." Chan slides behind him to open the cabinet, pulling out two granola bars.
"Chan..you're not sleeping again…"
The words make Chan jump. "I am. Just- these past two nights I've been working."
"You work all day. You need to sleep. It's not healthy to stay up so much. You're paling and you look like someone punched you in the eyes."
"I'll be fine. This should be my last draft before I send it to the editor."
"And then what? You go back to working on Black Water? You need to fucking rest, hyung. I'm worried about you. So is Changbin. "
"Don't be."
Chan doesn't allow Jisung to say anything else before he walks back down the hall. There's nothing to worry about. He's gone longer without sleep and still made deadlines.
His head perks up as his phone dings. It's a message on Instagram. From Felix. It seems the boy really did send him a link to a document. Though Chan is a bit sad the boy didn't text him instead..
Maybe he should lay down for a bit. Relax and read a new story. He loads the document, shoving half a granola bar in his mouth.
'Must be Forgotten'
'The sun may have shone against Yongbok's face but that doesn't mean he was welcomed by the warmth. No–instead he felt weight on his chest as his skin burned. He was stuck out in this hell with nowhere to run. It blistered and threatened– no, not threatened–promised to kill.
As Yongbok began to accept his death. Alone in this desert. Alone with his thoughts. He smiled.
This may not have been the ending he wanted. But it was the ending he deserved.'
Chan reads on with intrigue. What an interesting idea. Not something he'd ever be able to think of. Right off the bat, he wonders if there is a deeper meaning. If he will learn all about a stranger simply through his words. Just like how Chan hopes his own stories do for others.
'...But as his eyes fluttered, something kept him awake. Kept him standing. Kept him alive.
No. He thought to himself. This isn't right. He deserved this punishment. No mortal should ever have to deal with his burden again. It's unjust. It's cruel to let him live.
Whoever or whatever is keeping him alive mustn't know his past. They mustn't know how disgusting, vile, monstrous Yongbok truly is.
"Yongbok–" A familiar voice cried. But Yongbok refused to look. He refused to meet eyes with his former lover. "–I still love you."'
Chan's chest aches as he reads. He didn't think he would relate to someone dying in the desert.
His body jumps and he curses as his door is opened. Jisung pokes his head in, signing at the sight of Chan still being awake.
"Am I getting you breakfast or are you actually going to sleep?" Jisung asks with a hint of annoyance.
"Breakfast?" Chan furrows his brow as he turns to the window. The sun is peering through the curtains. "I wasn't even trying to stay awake this time…"
"So why did you?" He pushes in and sits on the bed, watching Chan rub his eyes for an absurd amount of time.
"I was reading. I met a fan and found out he writes. Asked him to send it to me and holy shit..he is so much better than me."
Jisung nods. He's still annoyed but he's glad Chan met a fan and can read something new. The repetition was starting to make the boy go mad. "Take a nap. I'll bring you some food. Bin and I are going out so you'll be home alone most of the day."
"Mm."
---
[Chris Bang Official]: your writing is so amazing..I forgot how to sleep because I was so glued to the story
[Somewhat Familiar IG]: ..really..? Like..you actually enjoyed it?
[Chris Bang Official]: I want more 😅 it's very relatable and I'm ngl..I'd love to talk about it more with you. If it's not..weird for you..maybe we could talk about it at my place?
[Somewhat Familiar IG]: wait what like..um..yeah absolutely
Chan smiles as he gives Felix his address. He needs to know more about the story. But he also needs to know more about its author.
He wants to hear the raw emotions. He wants his chest ripped open from it. Because as much as he's excited about Felix and his story...He needs to hear how disgusting, vile, and monstrous he himself is.
If he's right about the true meaning behind the main character's emotions.
Chan groans as he hops out of bed, dragging his feet down the fall. He absolutely needs coffee if he's going to survive the day.
He can't stop thinking about the story. Every word was filled with chest crushing pain.
'If you had sinned as Yongbok did, you'd want to burn alongside him. You'd want to make sure the earth was rid of your ungrateful, filthy soul.'
"Chan?" Jisung pushes his arm. "What's up? You're spacing out."
"Just..thinking about Felix’s story…" Chan yawns, pouring a generous amount of coffee into his travel mug. He isn't going anywhere, he just wanted the extra coffee in one sitting. "He's so..amazing.."
"I assume that's the fan?"
Chan hums, chucking an ice cube in his coffee. "He's coming over to talk about it more."
Jisung blinks. Chan invited someone over? The recluse that barely even speaks to his only two friends? "Oh-well, I hope you have fun."
---
'Yongbok sobbed. There was nothing else he could do. He watched the fire grow. It engulfed him. The smoke burned his lungs as an evil parting gift. The flames crackled around him as if laughing at his misfortune, at his mistakes.
He should have never loved Minho..'
Chan's eyes sting. This story keeps punching him in the gut more and more. Felix sits to his left, anxiously playing with his sleeves.
"I don't know how you do it..you're so amazing.." Chan whispers.
"Thanks.." Felix chews on his bottom lip. "It's a really..um..personal story.."
"Oh-" Chan feels his mouth twitching in a smile. Despite how grim the story is. "I understand."
"I just..how could anyone look at me and see anything but a disgusting creature? No one deserves to know me. I don't deserve to know anyone after I hurt Minho.."
Chan's stomach twists. Is Minho a real person? Is Felix Yongbok? So Chan was right..
"You're not disgusting and you're worthy of love. We can't help who we love."
Felix’s head pops up, revealing tears in his now red eyes. "But- I-I..hurt him. I made him cry. I made him leave..forever..I didn't think he'd-I just..I wanted my own life to end..not..not his.."
Chan's breathing picks up as he pieces Felix’s words together. "You can't blame yourself for the decisions of others. I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love. If I could hug Seungmin one more time I would. If..I could tell him I loved him before it was too late.."
"Chris..it's not the same as a family member..or a friend.."
"He was my fiancé." Chan flinches. He hasn't talked about Seungmin since the accident. The accident that wasn't much of an accident..He repressed the memories for so long..until he wrote Somewhat Familiar. Until he broke down and poured his feelings, his pain into a story he thought no one would read. "They did everything they could. But he was gone. I was alone to wonder why I even loved anyone."
Tears stain Felix’s cheeks. He shakily attempts to dry his face, only for more to fall. "You.."
"I was slipping back into old habits. Reminding myself how dirty I was for loving another man. Staining washcloths red until I could finally sleep at night. Wishing that I could tell him that he wasn't broken for loving me..I-I wanted it to stop. The thoughts contradicted each other and I was losing my mind."
"It's not fair…" Felix’s shoulders tremble as he sobs. "Why do we have to suffer.."
"We don't." Chan reaches over, softly taking Felix’s hand. "We accept ourselves."
"We accept that we killed people for being so-so.." He pauses. Chan isn't a monster. He isn't disgusting...but Felix is.. "there's nothing wrong with you.."
Chan smiles and cups Felix’s cheek, gently wiping his tears away. "There's nothing wrong with you, either." He stares into his eyes, trying to ignore his own reflection in them. "You're beautiful, talented, loveable, cute as a fucking button.."
Felix is caught off guard a bit, his lips parting in surprise. "What…"
"Full of positive energy and a smile that lights up the world. I would love to see that same smile you gave me at the bus stop."
"Chris..but..I'm bad.."
"No you're not." He tilts his head and sighs. "Can I try to make you feel better?"
Felix nods, barely remembering how to speak. He flutters his eyes closed as Chan leans closer. His body trembles from the feeling of lips pressing against his own.
He tries to keep himself from crying. But the touch from another man after so long is almost too much to handle. Tears stream down once more. But Chan continues to kiss him, softly but with enough force to make both of them shiver.
Chan's throat tightens but he doesn't want to let off. He wants to feel something again. He wants to make Felix, despite barely knowing him, feel something again.
Even if it's just the spark of a kiss.
'Yongbok opened his eyes and peered around the room. This wasn't right. He should be dead. Minho was dead. Why is he alive? To suffer with his loneliness?
It didn't make sense. He watched himself die. There was no chance of living through such excruciating pain.
But here he was. Alone.
The only memories left over of the events prior lay limp against the floor. His lover's body, unmoving and covered in red. Hands bound behind his back to keep from fighting. Why did Yongbok have to live to see this? Why couldn't they have lived their eternal hell together?
If Yongbok could turn back time, he would. Back to when he was a child. Before he met Minho. Before he knew he would destroy so many lives.
He may have survived the fire. But nothing would stop him from digging his dagger deep into his chest. Nothing, no one deserved to see him alive.
And he must meet with Minho again. Even if it's in the afterlife.'
Felix digs his nails into Chan's shoulders, internally begging to feel something again. Forget the fact that he's kissing his idol. He's overwhelmed by the feeling of intimacy alone.
"Please.." Felix screws his eyes tighter, burying into Chan's shoulders. "Let me feel something."
Chan wraps his arms around Felix’s torso and carries him to his room. He may not truly know Felix. But he hopes the two of them can find feeling in their souls once more.
'And so Yongbok laid, hand in bloody hand, with his lover. His eyes flickered as the sweet, cold kiss of death rested him. Allowed the two poor souls to finally be in peace.'